A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband came home the other day saying he had a "surprise" for me. It turned out to be a penthouse letters magazine. Ordinarily it wouldn't bother me but he came up with it to "help" me and my suffering libido. My libido is suffering because of side effects from a medication both my doctors insist I take. He's witnessed me actively asking my doctors for help with the problem and supposedly the doctors are working on it via blood tests and plans to add another medication. However, the doctors keep insisting I stay on the medication that is making me feel such debilitating fatigue because they don't want to be liable if I stop the medication. We've discussed trying the penthouse letters thing and I was ok with it because my husband is not really showing signs that he's a porn addict like a former boyfriend of mine. I've always suspected that there might be a fun use for porn if a couple does it together. My problem was, with this event, was this: He claimed that it was a "surprise" for "me". I believed it up until the point when he kept asking me to switch to another letter because the letter I had been reading was not turning HIM on. He had me switch like crazy...really fast and frequently...then we popped in the dvd it came with and he kept asking me to fast forward to "better" parts. My brain felt like it was in a pinball machine. Then, when he was sufficiently turned on, he said, "Let's go." And he kept saying, "That turned you on didn't it...you like lesbians, don'tcha" I realized that it wasn't, in fact, for me. I mean, he may have intended it to be for me and us, but the truth is, whenever I began to read something that might have been a possible turn on for me, he frantically asked me to switch to something else. Has anyone else had any luck experimenting with porn when each person has differing tastes? See, my husband gets turned OFF unless he's using porn of his preference. I think, I might be a little less picky but I have a feeling the porn I like, if we ever try it, might be what turns him off. I have told him much much later how it didn't feel like his "surprise" was as much for ME as it was for him. I tried to keep the conversation light and get him to see the humor in it, which I think he did. It's the differing tastes in porn I'm not sure how to deal with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe help I seek outside my usual doctors seem to say the same thing. I went to the hospital once, telling them nothing of my other doctors wishes. I did an experiment. I guess that is sort of unfair to the new doctor at the hospital but I wanted him to act unbiasedly. He prescribed pretty much the same medication minus the Concerta, which was actually one of the medications which helped me deal with her side effects of the seroquel. Concerta worked at first, but for some reason, not any more. I asked my pharmacist what could be going on. In addition to menopausal symptoms she also suggested that I might be going though a vitamin deficiency. I have to say, I started to take some vitamins, B6 especially...along with, E, D, B100, B12, omega 3, glucosamine chondroitin, multiple, and others and I gotta say, at least NOW I don't feel so extremely unhealthy that I consider going to the ER. Before the vitamins, I swear, it felt like I was near death sometimes....and I'm not as hypochondriac as some people. It used to hurt to just breathe. My fatigue used to be so bad that I considered adult diapers. I'm not kidding. So NOW, I've gotten my well being to the point that I can EXIST, and feel ok. I can watch tv. That's about it. NOW, what is next that I need to do health-wise, so that I can do some extras. It's very very very hard for my husband to understand especially since, even though it feels like I'm repeating myself, I'm not telling him the extent of just how bad I feel. All it would do is freak him out or make him angry, thinking perhaps that I'm being over-dramatic. Too often, when I or someone else in his family is sick, he will end up in the hospital, either b/c of a fall, or because of something that seems almost like self-harm. I've touched on the subject of self harm with him, talking about someone else...not him...and he quietly listened. He listened to what I had learned via research and he said something like, "That's interesting...It helps me understand why some people I know do that kind of stuff." I don't want to be too direct on the subject of self harm with him because I get the sense he feels a lot of shame surrounding the subject. Yet I know for a fact he does it. He tried to reopen a surgery scar once but denied it when I told him I notice that the once-healed scar is now bleeding again. It is a very sensitive topic and I don't want to freak him out or reinforce shame.
A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (7 March 2011):
 I think you need a second opinion. Go to a completely new set of doctors for a new opinion and new options. There is never only one answer.
Have they offered you a libido increasing drug of your own?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everybody for your input. There are things here I needed to hear. Also, I hear people mention lube a lot which demonstrates that I neglected to mention that he's not wanting traditional sex. He can't get off that way and he also says he can't get off via masturbation. He needs me to help him get off orally and manually. The biggest problem is how long he takes to climax. My body can't last that long because of pain and fatigue. He'll act like he understands very very well and he'll be very considerate, but I guess it builds up in him as tension or something. And also, unfortunately, my doctor is telling me I have to be on these medications permanently. I can't seem to find a doctor who will listen to me either. They all insist I need a mood stabilizer and they insist on the one I'm currently on because it's the only one that helps me sleep. The doctors have experimented on me for well over ten years and I guess this is the best I can hope for. My husband and I share the same doctors and we openly express all these problems but I don't see the doctors doing anything to lower his libido since they can't raise mine. I guess that's simply not done. Does anyone know if doctors artificially lower someone's libido if it's too high?
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female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (4 March 2011):
 First of all, do not fake an orgasm. That's one of the worst things a woman can do to her man. I don't care how many women do it, it's still bad. He may start to think you like something that you really don't because you "get off" to it. Then what do you do later on when you really don't like it?Secondly, the porn thing was more for him. You can tell by how you wrote his reactions to the letters and such. It may have been for you in the beginning, but it became about him. I would suggest that you ask him to watch what you like. If he gets turned off by it, then tell him you would prefer to watch it separately and find a different way for you to get aroused with him. If you enjoy the act of sex, you could always try just having sex with him and then getting off by yourself when you're really horny and know you will climax if he's not there. I'm not experienced in this libido altering medication field, so I hope this helps somewhat.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): the problem isn't that you have different tastes in porn. The problem is that your husband doesn't care about your feelings or needs, and is only trying to get what he wants.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): Your husband is very selfish. I believe you wrote another post here recently didnt you, saying that your doctors insist you stay on meds for your health but the side effect is low libido and your husband knows damn well that you need these meds, but is being frustrated cos of your low libido and pressuring you to have sex.I'm sorry but that post combined with this latest one, makes me really disgusted at your husband. I think your husband is very selfish and has no concern for you. Sure he has sexual desires, but I think that your health is more important than his sexual needs. People do not die from sexual frustration. People do die from not taking meds. Of course he's not asking you to go off the meds (I sincerely hope he doesn't ever ask you to do that) but the point is that some things are just more important to a marriage than having his sexual needs fulfilled by you. It's not like he has no outlets at all - he can jerk off by himself to relieve his needs without pressuring you to do something you can't. But he insists that you meet his needs when you're unable to. Now he's pretending to bring in marital aids to "help" you. Bullshit. He has total disregard for your feelings and medical needs yet again. if he really was trying to "help" you, he wouldn't be so focused and insisting only on what he wants while completely ignoring what you want and more importantly what you NEED to have your sexual needs fulfilled.To repeat: yes he has sexual frustrations since your meds have reduced your libido. No one is denying that. But again, your health is more important. Anbd he's a big boy, he can give himself sexual relief rather than pressuring you to meet his needs for him when you are simply unable to. If he was wanting to have sex with you for the emotional connection, he would be having concern for what turns you on. But it's clear he has no interest in increasing your libido for your own enjoyment and your own emotional well being. He's not interested in your sex life to maintain any emotional connection with you. He's only interested that you meet his sexual needs for him. He seems to think that being married means that you owe him sex. I think you should really speak up about this. You've been trying and trying to placate him and he's just getting worse about it. He's treating you with disrespect because he places his sexual desires above your health. Sooner or later, if this continues, you will feel resentment and anger build up in you. (or worse, you will sacrifice your health and go off your meds just so you can meet his demands for sex)...And then you really won't want to even try to have sex with him. Address this now before it gets to that stage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): Not to sound cruel, but 90% of the time girls fake orgasms, so until the medication wears off, just fake your interest in sex.. Guys with low libido's just cant have sex because they cant get hard, but opposed to you not getting wet (which is why they invented lube), you could just pretend to be interested once in a while until your off the meds
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female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (3 March 2011):
I would suggest another route. Obviously, your hubby isn't suffereing from a lack of libido, so you should focus on something that turns YOU on, even if you may have to do it by yourself.
I'm not sure exactly what kind of porn you are in to, but you might enjoy the movie "Kama Sutra, a Tale of Love". It's romantic, it's very sexual, and it uses sex methods available to you, as they are the methods of the Kama Sutra. It's also more tasteful than the lesbian porn your husband might be in to. That movie turns me on, so I suggest you pop it in to watch with your hubby, and when the tingles hit, jump him. Maybe grab yourself a Kama Sutra box to make it more exciting.
Here's a link to order one
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=kama+sutra+kit
Best of luck!
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