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My LDR is in limbo. What should I do?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Flirting, Health, Long distance, Online dating, Sex, Social Media, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 February 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 22 February 2017)
A female India age 26-29, *arriorprincess writes:

I'm writing this to gain clarity and ask for help on a seemingly complex situation that I find myself in.

Last February I met a guy through common friends during a little party. We never really talked much. But a week later he contacted me on facebook saying he couldn't forget me and then we started talking and kind of dating.

We met just once before he left for England. He is Indian but now lives in UK. He was home for a few weeks when we met. When he was leaving he said he'll have a hard time calling me as he is a doctor and stays very busy. I understood and said we will make it work.

It was fine the first month. He was sweet and would call once everyday even if he had 24 hour on calls. Slowly he started ignoring my calls and would never reply to my texts. When I confronted him he would say he would call often or reply but that never happened. Slowly it so happened that we would talk once in 4 days. This is after he had ignored my text or call for 4 days straight. I'm someone who hates confrontation and I rather talk peacefully to solve issues. But after having asked for what is wrong multiple times I just stopped asking, talking, messaging and let nothing happen. The result: he never cared about the relationship dying. Never asked why I wasn't talking. After some 20 days had gone by I realized nothing was ever going to happen and I was wasting my time on someone incapable of normal communication. I wrote him a long mail telling him how me hurt me by constantly ignoring me and not participating in the relationship at all and I wanted to break up.

The moment he received that mail he called and apologized and said he needed more time because he was preparing for an important exam. Now this exam was due in another 2 months. I was so upset and angry I asked him to reconnect after he was done with his exam. As expected nothing happened.

After a month, he called me one night when he was really drunk and told me he had kissed someone but immediately regretted it and missed me and that's why he called. He kept saying he loved me and talked to me for 2 hours. It was the first time I heard him genuinely express his feelings and melted and even forgave him. I called him the next day and asked about the relationship, he again said he had to study and had no time.

The moment I tried to leave by saying its fine and focus on your exam, he started talking again mainly because he missed the video sex and wanted to see me naked again. Even though the conversation ended nicely. I again did not hear from him for another 2 weeks. I was facing a medical issue so thought I'd seek his help. Again he talked nicely. But never called back to ask about my health. After waiting another week I texted him to break up realising my emotional needs will always remain unfilled. He never responded!

After he was done with his exam he calls me again, after another month has passed. Even though I talk to him I feel terribly disconnected because of his long absence. I text him the next day to express how i feel. Again no reply. A week later I ask him to call me. He again ignored it. This time I was raging.... I had tolerated this crappy behavior far too long. I sent another text message saying I'm done and don't want him to call again. He called back immediately. Again he said he would call everyday no matter how busy he gets. Again he never called despite saying he will. This time my patience ran out in 2 days. I told him I don't want to be with him. Finally he called the next day and we started talking again. Then he again went to the same old behavior. I was so tired of this cycle that I didn't say a word. I felt crazy. It was like nothing I could possibly say to him would work. I decided to leave without saying a word. He called back 10 days later saying he had failed that important exam. I sympathised and texted him again asking how he was. After this point there was nothing really left to say. Neither did he call me nor did I say anything. I had gotten so distant I never felt like saying anything. Again after a while I wrote to him saying I wanted to end it and be someone else. Again no reply.

After 2 weeks he drunk dials me. But I never call him back as I used to earlier.

2 months later again he calls me on Christmas. We kind of get back. And I start calling again. And the behavior repeats. Instead of waiting this time I confronted him within a day. Again he says we will able to call only once in 3 or 4 days because he still has to study for his upcoming exams. At this point I lose it and refuse to get into the long distance relationship again because it already has been way too straining and painful. I told him I will call only when I admission into a graduate program in UK (I had been planning to go to UK for phd anyways) and then we'll consider getting back. Even though he says he understands and will call me the next day that never happens.

I really don't know what I should do in this situation anymore. There are days I feel love for this guy and there are days I cry uncontrollably becuase the way he treated him. Completely ignoring my needs and always thinking about his career.

Whenever he comes he tells me he'll marry me but his behavior doesn't reflect any of that. The relationship has been in this state of limbo for the last one year.

There are days I feel confident I took the right decision not to go for the long-distance relationship and then there are days I feel weak desperately hope to get back. Please help!

Also, this guy is a scorpio and displays their classic narcissistic tendencies!

View related questions: christmas, drunk, facebook, his ex, long distance, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (22 February 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntThanks for the feedback, I am glad you are feeling strong. Keep up the good work, you will find someone who will respect you.

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A female reader, warriorprincess India +, writes (22 February 2017):

warriorprincess is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks Aunty Honesty, Cindy Cares and Honeypie!

I really needed to hear this despite knowing the obvious.

I will never contact that guy ever again. I have decided that.

Thanks a lot for all the advice. Really appreciate it :)

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (21 February 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou need to get out their and meet guys your own age who live in your own country. All this guy wants is some video sex. He does nothing else for you. He doesn't even try to show you he cares. I don't get why you would allow another human to treat you like this. You need to get more confidence and self esteem and see that you cannot allow him to treat you like a call girl. Keep him blocked, don't tell him your new number and don't contact him if you are going to the UK.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 February 2017):

Honeypie agony auntYes, OP it is time.

Not to toughen up, but to put yourself first. And if YOU want a GOOD and healthy relationship HE isn't it. On paper, he might be "perfect" for you, but you know better.

Like Auntie Cindy mentioned, he let you down at LEAST 12 times. Enough is enough, right?

You can't CHANGE this guy, only how you react.

Don't let ONE guy hold you back from having the life you want.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (16 February 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Oh yes , it is high time to toughen up. I understand that when one is in love ( or infatuated.. ) toughening up us difficult but, to quote the anon female reader :Hunny are you for real ?!

I counted the times that you mention " And then he did it again .. " " And then he let me down again .. " : 12.

He let you down ( at least ) TWELVE times !

At this point , taking him back, in fact just accepting to speak with him again is not patience, is pure masochism .

And holding on to the hope that things may change is not optimism, is a stubborn streak which luckily will be helpful to you in pursuing your goals, like getting your PhD and establishing a brilliant career. But in relationships, eh no : if it does not work it does not work, and you've gotta be quick to cut your losses and get rid of dead weights....

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A female reader, warriorprincess India +, writes (16 February 2017):

warriorprincess is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you HoneyPie! Those videos cracked me up!

You're right I know what is going on! The thing is he comes back at a time when my anger has cooled off and I kind of take him in. That's my fault. I have blocked him already. Even my number is changed. I'm probably in that phase where I just can't accept it's over. Mainly he will never break up and keep coming back. I feel the burden of the break up and feel responsible! Anyways it's time I toughen up! Thanks you tons for your comment.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 February 2017):

Honeypie agony auntOP, you already know what's going on.

This is a guy who LOVES to waste OTHER people's time for his own gain. And he has been wasting YOUR time for the last year. ONLY really doing a "little" effort when you bring it up but quickly goes back to HIS focus - himself and HIS career.

And I think you know this. He PROMISES marriage, but.... he does nothing to back it up and like SO many other women you are holding out HOPE that HE is sincere. And while you DO that... GOOD men that could have been a MUCH better match for you aren't getting in your path because you are still focused on this "fantasy relationship" that is quite ONE sided - YOU do all the work, he puts in the MINIMUM effort - just enough... to keep you hanging on.

I have said this MANY times before - WORDS and PROMISES are cheap. ANYONE can say:" I want to marry you!" - the only time those words are worth a darned... is when it's BACKED up by action. Be it a REAL proposal with a ring, asking father's permission or whatever else is expected in YOUr culture.

DO yourself a favor and watch these two videos from Matthew Hussey relationship expert - because he makes SO much sense.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxuE6IOCKIA

And

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euPx9iieoiw&t=382s

His notion of the MPI guy fits YOUR guy to a T.

Wishing you the best.

(and OP, I'd BLOCK and delete all contact info and see what else is out there. He is NOT the only guy for you).

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2017):

Hunny are you for real? Wise up! This guy is never ever going to change and you don't mean much to him at all! Sounds about the video sex and you being naked as and when he wants that! You aren't in a relationship- long distance or any kind! Kick his sorry ass to the kerb and find someone decent! This is no relationship! A whole year? Are you serious? No!

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