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My LDR boyfriend is letting a girl interfere in our relationship and I don't know what to do about it

Tagged as: Friends, Long distance, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 August 2015) 9 Answers - (Newest, 2 September 2015)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

So, my LDR boyfriend just started attending a new college and immediately made acquaintances with this girl. She's in a few of his classes and is working at the campus radio station. She's pretty annoying and not so bright, which we've both acknowledged early on. Anyway, I just want to know if I'm acting irrationally or now. She's been giving me weird vibes in my opinion, as if she wants to date him. No, people might say that that's just insecurities or unhealthy jealousy talking, but hear me out first.

Firstly, I'm really not the jealous type, even with this being a LDR. But she's been doing some strange tings and other things that are becoming an inconvenience on my part, which my boyfriend is somewhat at fault for entertaining the girl anyway.

The first incident happened with just my boyfriend. He noticed that she sat near him in class after having added him on Facebook, and without talking to him, she started drawing something from one of his favorite shows, quite obviously to get his attention and get him to ask about it. When my boyfriend told me this, it seemed a bit strange but I shrugged it off. My little stepsister used to do stuff like this, so I just figured she was just desperate top make friends. No judging.

The second incident is what really made me not like her. My boyfriend and I are on our separate campuses around the same time, so we tend to Skype each other in between classes, although just voice calls since I'm usually on the move. In this situation, he was sitting in the hall outside of his class, waiting for class to start, and then the girl came up and sat near him. Mind you, we're in the middle of talking. We keep talking and suddenly I hear my boyfriend stop and start talking to her. Through listening, I was able to figure out that she was showing pictures of a break-up text she got from her boyfriend. I should add that they really don't talk. Anyway, she goes on talking about how he broke up with her over text and said that they didn't connect. Now, I definitely blame my boyfriend partially for entertaining her and allowing someone he didn't even really know to interrupt our conversation with such a thing. I think this is part of what started her constantly hanging off of him. Even though she fully acknowledged that we were in the middle of a call and that I could hear everything she was saying, she kept on talking, repeating how she was crying all night over the break up and such, just saying anything to get a reaction out of him.

The third incident is one where we were skyping again. We were having mic troubles and despite knowing that were were trying to get in a call, she just hung around him and kept talking to him while were were trying to fix things. Even when we finally got them fixed, she kept trying to talk to him. It took him saying (after me prompting him) that he was going to talk to me and catch up with her later for her to give us some privacy.

Now, I know my boyfriend is a big part of the issue. I've told him that him allowing her to hang off of him is inconveniencing to us and he thinks that being endlessly sweet to people is going to solve things but I think it's just making her more attached to him.

Anyway. I just want to know firstly that I'm not crazy for being uncomfortable with her. And secondly I'd like to know what I should do about this situation.

View related questions: a break, broke up, facebook, jealous, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2015):

Op, I just wanted to add to my previous thing (something I thought I added,but forgot).

This is how it all started. He really didn't like her too etc., he thought she was too "desperate", we joked about her even, but at some point (she was persistent apparently...something he forgot to mention in much detail...),so at some point it managed to flatter his ego enough to lead to other things.

That's why I said "it is just the start"..your story felt very similar to mine.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2015):

OP again.

That's not really realistic for my situation and I still don't see how you came to that conclusion with the information given, since I mentioned nothing about sex or my boyfriend taking interest in the girl. But okay. I appreciate the effort.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (1 September 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntOP: I wasn't trying to be patronizing.... just realistic.

Please be sure to submit an update, later in the semester...

Good luck....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2015):

OP again.

Well, the main reason I didn't appreciate the advice is because even if he was being "humorous", as I've said, it was not helpful especially since I'm here for genuine advice.

Another thing to add is that as far as "sexual appetite goes" I'm much more like a "guy" than my boyfriend is. Trust me.

To address what CindyCares said, I can admit that he does like attention. He can admit that too, haha. But personally I believe that this has more to do with him not wanting to be mean. As I've mentioned before, the girl does a radio show with him as a part of their community service hours required by their uni (and they've only known each other for about two weeks). During this time though, and mostly through the radio show, she's mentioned that she's been diagnosed with several things like social anxiety and depression, she talked about getting bullied all through middle and high school, and then there was the mentioning of her break up. On top of that, she's pretty young and acts immaturely, behaving a lot like my little step sister. (I should add that I'm 21 and my bf is 22) Personally, I don't care about her sob stories since a lot of it sounds made it when she says it, but my boyfriend is a totally different person than I am. He's had a suicide in his family and has struggled with depression himself so I think he's trying to be careful, especially since technically he still has to see her every other day during the week.

Anyway, my point is that I'd think it was just him liking attention if he didn't already express that she was annoying and made him uncomfortable (even when I was still in the "trying to be nice about it" phase at the beginning). Normally, if he has someone around that he just likes the attention/friendship of despite them being annoying in my opinion, he'll reassure me that they're not so bad. He tends to think people are less annoying than I find them. However, no one's ever reached the point of even HIM saying that they were annoying.

Like Honeypie warned me of (haha) I'm not making a big deal out of this, since I trust him. We're LDR but we've been LDR for 3 years now and we don't live THAT far apart. I still see him quite often. He lives in the state right next to mine. On top of the fact that he's just not that type of guy, that's why none of this "availability" stuff is setting off any alarm bells for me. I just think it's not helpful to assume that every 18-20 something year old male mentioned on here is horny and out of control. It takes away from the issue I'm trying to ask advice for (since I never asked if my boyfriend is trying to cheat or something).

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2015):

Ufff, it is only but the start...

I won't accuse you in any fury or anything as I saw none, though I can see why SO's advice bothered you. He is right though (up to a point). You and I are girls, we don't see sex from the same perspective as guys do.

For example: an ex of mine thought that he passed up a lot of "opportunities" for me too (i.e. that meant furtive glances or just friendly chats by girls.

That to him was "advances").

Meanwhile, guys asking me straight out for my number/sex was apparently the equivalent of a girl looking at him across the room. You get the point...

They see sex in everything, they think about sex a lot and to suggest that your bf is that clueless about her actual advances (because that IS what they are) is putting him in the "stupid" category.

And I am sure that he is NOT. He made it to college, he should understand basic relationships. This girl is already pulling at heartstrings (with HER break-up) AND indicating that she is REALLY available at the same time. Available to him that is. She is also trying to exclude you. He can't be that clueless. I believe that's what Sage was trying to say?

Do not ignore. If LD has worked till now but it now does NOT work/ you feel threatened there is a reason. Have a talk-maybe now is the time for you NOT to speak and ASK him where he sees you 2 in 5 years' time?

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (1 September 2015):

CindyCares agony auntI would not want you to unleash on me the same fury you unleashed on poor Uncle Sageoldguy ( who, anyway, I'd bet, was just being humorous )... so I hasten to precise that I believe that your bf is not a cheter, is not cheating on you and he does not want to cheat on you with this girl in future.

BUT, either he is the most desperate case of socially cluelessness I have ever heard about, or, he is, consciously or subconsciously, flattered by the attention ( which is only human ) and does not find it that annoyong at all,- in fact, it feels sort of good probably.

IOtherwise, OP... come on, what does "not being assertive" got to do with normal ,general, I'd say universal maybe... communication patterns ?

It's not mean, it's not rude, and it does not take a lot of courage , when you are being interrupted during a phone conversation,, to put your hand up, palm out , and mouth " In a minute please... " Or just SAYING " sorry dude ( or dudess ) I am talking to my gf, do you mind..... ? "

I mean, ... unless they have a bad case of social anxiety , everybody knows rhar and everybody can do that, in fact everybody DOES that.

Everybody but your bf ?.... Mmmh.

Let me specify again that I do not accuse him of wanting to cheat or being disloyal or anything, at most I am accusing him of being ... a bit of a male peacock who, whether he realizes it or not , is lapping up the attention . So, what I am saying is, ok, when you talk to him do not make a big deal of this, because it's not- at the same tme though do not cut him too much slack and do not justify him with a " poot lamb, .. he has trouble beng firm... " . And do not waste too much breath on trying to " explain him how you feel about this "... there's very little to explain, and very little to feel. It's simple and clear-cut ! when you are on the phone with your SO, you do not LET people interrupt, unless it's obviously an emergency ( or unless you are that kind of lovebirds whose phone call always last one hour and more :) which case it's normal that other people may want / need to put a word in edgewise ).

He can't do that ? ( hand up, palm out, mouth " not now, I am busy " or similar body language ? )

... I bet he can ! ( unless , again, he has some worrisome mental health issue ... ), he just needs to try HARDER.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2015):

OP here. Thanks for the advice, Honeypie. The day'd not over yet, but I do plan on talking to him more about the situation so he can understand how I feel about this better. Obviously I trust that nothing would happen between them. He's been this way with several of his friends more but it bothered me less because his friends easily got the hint when they were interrupting. This girl, however, can't seem to take the hint and my boyfriend's kind of bad at being assertive at times.

On that note, Sageoldguy, I don't see that as an issue. Not sure why you assume all guys can't resist sex from just anyone. (?) Your advice wasn't helpful at all and comes off as you being patronizing. I haven't given any information to suggest that my boyfriend is a cheater or the cheating type so it would be helpful if you didn't imply such things with no base. Either that, or just don't give any advice.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (1 September 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntShe's available for sex; you aren't. Do you see what the REAL ISSUE is, here??????

Good luck...

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 September 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI would tell your BF that it annoys you and that it IS his job to set boundaries for others including this girl.

I mean WHO starts a conversation when someone is on the phone? (or Skyping, but basically the same thing, you are having a conversation with someone else). All he NEEDS to do is say, hey mind not interrupting I'm on the phone? or MOVE away.

I would however NOT make a big deal out of this.

You Bf might have some difficulty telling people to "not do" something - like interrupt a conversation. Mostly I'd guess because he doesn't want to be rude or mean. However, telling someone:" Hey, I'm on the phone or busy" IS NOT mean or rude. IT IS however rude to interrupt.

So I would JUST point that out to him and see if he "man up" about it or not.

She seems to have latched on to him because he seems like a nice guy. I don't think she is really looking to be his friend though... her behavior is a little too Captain Obvious !!

I wouldn't however "step in" and DO something. He is a BIG boy and needs to handle this kind of stuff. Also... IF he allows her to interrupt a conversation with you, I'd tell him - gotta go talk to you later. Because a person can't really talk to a person over the phone and one next to him, so he will have to choose.. won't he?

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