A
female
age
51-59,
*ariaTrent
writes:My LDR boyfriend of 1.5 yrs allegedly forgot my birthday (*actually, I think he remembered 2 days before but decided to be cheap and blow it off). When I didn't speak to him for 2 days, he still didn't try to make it up to me, so I asked him to write me a poem. He declined and said he doesn't write poems for anyone. However, he spent all 3 nights of this holiday weekend with me on the phone for several hours each night and e-mailed me throughout each day. On the other hand, he also cancelled coming to my state to help me move into my new apartment, which was his idea to do. He said he can't afford it. He has only visited me once -- Five times I traveled to him at MY expense, but he was able to afford paying cash for a new car he didn't need and is now trying to sell; put in a new driveway, and put in a new patio.His birthday is in a few days. Should I blow it off or at least send him a card?
View related questions:
cheap, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lucky786  +, writes (4 September 2012):
 I wouldn't send him a card. You reap what you sow.
A
female
reader, Romanilove +, writes (4 September 2012):
Do not send him a card. I would cease all contact without a single explanation. This guy sounds like he is unworthy of your time.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (4 September 2012):
 What are you doing with this guy?
To me, this doesn't sound like a relationship at all. In 1.5 years you've been together only half a dozen times and his attitude generally shows he sees you as a friend more than someone who he is trying to build a future with.
While the birthday thing comes and goes (some guys are into it, some guys aren't) to me, I think the more important question is, what's in this relationship for you? Is this really want you want out of a boyfriend? Someone you see a few times a year with? Someone you share an occasional phone call with and e-mail? He sounds more like a facebook friend than someone I would consider a boyfriend or even lover.
In regards to your original question, I think a big part of relationships is being able to turn the other cheek -- especially if you've been hurt. Treat him on his birthday the way you want to be treated and chances are, if he is worthy and respects you, he'll return the favor in future.
However, I honestly think you have much bigger questions that I think you should take time to sort over before calling this guy a true "boyfriend".
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 September 2012):
 Honestly, I WOULD sent him a card, because that is the kinda person I AM. However, I would take a GOOD long hard look at this relationship and see if it's actually worth staying in.
...............................
A
female
reader, MariaTrent +, writes (4 September 2012):
MariaTrent is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe live 767 miles apart. We went to high school together and met on FB last year. We were always both "loner" personalities (*I've a small circle of friends, but often do things by myself. He's the same way).
When we 1st began dating, he initiated looking into his job market in my area but his specialized job is only available where he lives and in Illinois. I said I'd only move where he is if he offers to pay 1/2 of my moving expenses and it's contingent on me finishing school down here first. He said that would be like an engagement and he needs more time for that. He did offer for us to live together, which puzzles me.
He respects that I won't sleep with him before marriage and doesn't pressure me about it, nor even try, which I do like. He told me not to worry about it. He voluntarily makes his whereabouts known to me (without me asking). He initiates 99.9% of the phone calls and complains that I never call him. In the begining, he said he was drowning in my e-mails, so I cut WAY back on them and I do wait for his response before I send any more. Sometimes I don't send any e-mails and he will initiate. We are both chess buffs, so we play a lot of online chess games, usu. 2-3 times a week (*approx. 2-3 hrs. per game).
When I do travel to see him, if I fly in, he travels 1.25 hours to pick me up at the airport. I do stay at his house (*like I said, he doesn't try to have sex with me). He takes vacation time off from his job to be with me. If I drove up, he will work on my car (*even took the door apart to fix the window and lock). He called my mechanic and scolded them for putting 2 quarts too much in my engine. He does try to do things for me, but it bothers me VERY MUCH that he blew off my birthday and that he doesn't make more of an effort to visit me. Instead, he asks, "When are you coming up again?" His excuse is he can't afford it and that his 2 elderly cats are chronically ill and require daily treatments and he doesn't like to board them (neither do they like it).
We get along very well and he often initiates telling me he misses me. Sometimes I think he genuinely cares for me, but other times I seriously wonder if he cares for me at all, and I've told him this more than once. Last May, I asked him what he was getting out of this relationship since he wasn't getting any sex. He said, "friendship," so I said that we should just break up and he should just find someone locally. For the first time ever, he yelled at me, "Did it ever occur to you that you're WRONG??!!" I'm totally lost in trying to figure him out.
...............................
A
female
reader, MariaTrent +, writes (3 September 2012):
MariaTrent is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, he has a good job and owns a house in a ritzy area. He also owns a corvette, a Honda Accord, and a Regal, which he appears to have paid cash for a few months ago.
I was just thinking about how my past 2 boyfriends didn't even give give gifts to their mothers for their birthdays or Mother's Day, and I chided them about that until they did. My current guy's mom died 20 yrs ago and his father died when he was 7. He grew up as an only child since his 3 older siblings were out of high school when he was 7. He said he's never had any luck with women and he's never been close to anyone before. He might be clueless about social etiquette, esp. with girlfriends. I'm not trying to make excuses -- just grabbing at straws trying to understand WHY. He panics whenever I begin to break up with him, which frankly I try to do at least once a month...[SIGH] He still hangs on and says I give up too easily. He's extremely rough around the edges. I'm MAD and frustrated and very hurt, and I've expressed to him that he made me feel very unimportant to him, not very special, and he surprised that him spending time with me isn't enough.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 September 2012):
 He's no boyfriend honey... I would not only blow off his birthday but I'd blow off the boyfriend too..
a man in love moves heaven and earth for the woman he loves... he gives up his pleasures to make yours come true.
I was in an LDR for a year... he gave up his entire life and moved down here to be with me.... lost his job and everything.
Your guy can't even be bothered to come visit you???
how far apart are you?
we were two hours apart and were together 3 nights a week most weekends once we committed to our relationship.
Sounds to me like you are doing all the relationship boat rowing in the relationship... what happens when you don't contact him or go see him or make the plans?
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (3 September 2012):
 Does he have a job right now?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2012): At least send him a card??
What for?
Did he think about a least sent you a card??
Actions means more than words. Dump that jerk.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 September 2012):
 Nice boyfriend?
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship??...apart from a lot of dissapointments, cheapskate treatment and confusing behaviour???
Talking on the phone DOES NOT constitute commitment or love.
I wouldn't send him anything...maybe instructions to jump off a cliff...but birthday card???...Nope!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2012): ugh what are you doing with him??!!! blow it off. and if he kicks up a stink about it - so what? how hippocritical would it be on his part?!! he sounds like a cheapskate and is getting you to make the effort, whilst he's perfectly happy to get along without you. Get him to make the effort, and if he doesnt?? well, it wont be your loss for sure :)
...............................
|
