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My late "husband's" son wants to marry me

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 August 2015) 5 Answers - (Newest, 3 August 2015)
A female South Africa age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I am a 35 year old Indian divorcee. I married my Indian husband in 2000 when I was just 20 years old but divorced him after just three months of marriage. I was still a virgin when I began divorce proceedings. I sued for divorce because of my husband's drinking and abuse.

During consultations with my attorney, 50 year old Ndlovu, a Black,I got the feeling that he was attracted to me. He told me that his wife was sickly and could not satisfy his sexual needs.

When my divorce was finalised Ndlovu and I spent a night together when we had sex. It was my first experience of having sex and Ndlovu told me that he had not had sex with his wife for over a year.

I enjoyed the sex as did Ndlovu but was worried about his wife when Ndlovu asked me if we could continue to have sex.

He told me that his wife would not mind. I was sceptical and Ndlovu introduced me to wife who agreed that her husband and I could continue our relationship.

Ndlovu and I continued our affair with Ndlovu having sex with me every night. We loved each other very much.

Ndlovu's wife died in 2001 and since then Ndlovu and I have been living as husband and wife although we did not get married and do not have any children.

In December 2014 Ndlovu died. I was heartbroken. Ndlovu had treated like his queen.

Ndlovu's son and only child from his wife, Trevor, who is 36 and not married comforted me.

We were together in the same house. Just like his father, Trevor was very caring.

A month ago I was surprised when Trevor told he loves me and wants to marry me. I was surprised. I told him that I was his father's wife for nearly fifteen years. Trevor said that he knew but he still wants to marry me. I like Trevor, not on rebound, but as friend and would consider his proposal if there are no problems.

Should I marry Trevor?

Athma

View related questions: affair, divorce, heartbroken, still a virgin

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (3 August 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntI'm not sure of the accuracy of this wikipedia page, but it would suggest that you cannot marry the direct descendent of an ex-spouse: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_in_South_Africa

"The spouses must be over 18 to form a valid marriage, except that a girl over 15 may marry under the Marriage Act with the consent of her parents. A person may not marry his or her direct ancestor or descendant, sibling, uncle or aunt, niece or nephew, or the ancestor or descendant of an ex-spouse."

So the question actually is, can you legally marry Trevor? And the answer would probably need to be addressed to a legal authority on marriage.

I'm guessing that this wouldn't be considered a union that can be legalized through marriage.

Sorry for your loss.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (2 August 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntSomehow.... when genitals are involved... all common sense goes out the window.... and we (people like you) ask questions like this....

Frankly, if you want this young guy to be your "everlovin'" then go for it, and never look back....

HE will like it; YOU will like it... and life will go on...

Good luck...

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (2 August 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI have to question you line of thinking here. Since when is it a good idea to marry one's stepson?

I don't know if it's a cultural thing and that is why I don't get it, but to me it just seems weird.

Can you not take care of yourself, is that why you are looking for another man to do that? Or don't you WANT to be on your own?

I agree, you mention NOTHING about how YOU feel about this "stepson" - so to me it seems like you feel somehow obligated to maybe marry him?

All in all it doesn't make much sense, except perhaps that Trevor is actually a better match (age and otherwise) than his father was?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2015):

To put it simple. No! You told us only that he loves you, not that you love him. Your memory of your late husband should be one of respect. Considering marrying his son is very odd. Could it be that you've inherited what he wants? That his father left you the things he didn't get? Perhaps it is cultural; but there are many things you should consider.

The marriage sounds like a marriage of convenience, and a tribute to your ego. One man to the next is far too convenient. In short succession, and void of any attempt to find love outside of a closed-circle. Maybe it's time you venture outside of your inner-circle; and pursue love where it is available, yet not connected to you through marriage, or business. I find it strange a young man would ask his step-mother to marry him. You should too!

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (2 August 2015):

janniepeg agony auntNdlovu had Trevor when he was 13/14? That's hard to believe. Was he the step dad and his late wife was much older? If they are biological then I would find it hard to sleep with Trevor. Even if they are not there would still be memories lingering since you are in the same house. The only problem I see is if the extended family is involved. They would talk and spread rumours because relations like these are still frowned upon.

Unlike his parents who started life early, Trevor is a guy who has lived at home and had been single all that time. I would doubt that he loves you but rather it's convenient that you are there and he doesn't have to go outside and date, do the right thing. You should not marry if you like him just as a friend. Being a divorced Indian doesn't mean you have to settle for awkward arrangements. I would rather be single than deal with that Trevor.

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