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My last relationship was an open relationship but my reputation in my small town is ruining my chances in my current relationship with an amazing girl

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Dating, Family, Three is a crowd, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 June 2014) 6 Answers - (Newest, 13 June 2014)
A male Canada age 26-29, *heisworthit writes:

My last relationship was an open relationship, we had one night a week that was open to other, we tried swinging, and had more then one threesome, it started out fun and exciting but quickly turned bad.

Living in a small town people know your business and you can labels you don't want real fast. I was young / stupid and since ending that relationship really understand what a relationship should be like.

I've been talking / texting and occasional hanging out with a girl and she is amazing ! 100% opposite of my ex and just a really sweet, innocent girl. She is younger then me, she is only 19 but we have so much fun when we are together. The only issue is her family hates me. He father is a church minster and has heard rumors about my past relationship and thinks I just want to sleep with his daughter. She has even confessed that as much as she likes me she is afraid of a relationship because she thinks I want the same type of relationship I had in the past.

My biggest regret is my last relationship. I understand now that when you love someone that is the only person you should be having sex with and to have a good relationship there isn't any room for others in the bedroom.

So. Kw I need to convince not only h but her father / family that I'm not that guy. That I really like her and would NEVER want her to do something she was not 100% comfortable doing. But how do I kill small town labels and break free of my last.

View related questions: my ex, swinging, text, threesome

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2014):

I agree with Brown Wolf and female anonymous.

Go straight to the fear - her father - and ask for his advice, but make sure that you are totally sincere about wanting to change, and that you're not just doing it ONLY for the sake of reputation/vanity about that.

Also, as female anonymous writes, it takes time and patience.

The one thing I would add, though, is to possibly think of doing something really 'big' for a charity, something that will possibly get published in the local papers - it could be anything that will help to change your reputation and show that you have really 'turned around' - it could even be something involving sex education and doing public talks to young adults - say in youth groups or something - or raising money for Aids or something like this - to raise awareness about the dangers - moral, emotional, physical, of becoming involved in open relationships/porn/swinging and how it doesn't make you a man to do these things, it just makes you lose out at the end of the day? Okay, maybe I'm being a bit extreme here, but you see my point? Either do something like that, or just talk to the father and take his advice but 'lie low' with it, if you know what I mean.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (13 June 2014):

Ciar agony auntTalk is cheap so words won't convince them of anything. Your actions over time are what matters and as far as this girl and her family are concerned not enough of it has passed since your last relationship.

Her father is concerned about far more than you just wanting his daughter for sex. He's seen a lot more of life than you have and has heard all about people returning to old habits years down the line. He also knows that right now you're infatuated with her and that one day the novelty will wear off. Even if you always love her, you will not always be as concerned with impressing her as you are now. He's picturing her developing an interest in your old lifestyle in a bid to compete with your far more seasoned ex. He's imagining her raising your kids at home alone while you resume sowing your wild oats. He's concerned with their friends and neighbours seeing her ni a new light because of her association with you. He's thinking farther into the future than you are.

Ask yourself this; what is it about you that would give her father or anyone else reason to think differently? I don't mean that as a judgment, but to see things from their perspective for a moment.

You can't rush this. Be the person you want them to think you are and let time do the rest.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (13 June 2014):

Anonymous 123 agony auntI don't really know what to say...you're clearly repenting your choices but you cant undo your past in any way. Most girls would be skeptical of being with a guy whose reputation precedes him and this girl and her family are no different either.

You can try talking to her and telling her that you've changed your ways for good and have learnt your lesson now. Maybe she can give you one chance and see how it goes?

If not, there's not much you can do, unfortunately, because there's no mercy in small towns- people love to gossip and your reputation becomes very hard to shake off a bad reputation.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (13 June 2014):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntYou're learning that lesson, that it takes but a moment to screw up one's reputation.... then a life-time of trying to shake off that reputation....

About the only thing you can do - under your circumstances - is abide this girl's Father and family... and see if you can do ENOUGH contrition to get in to any of their good graces.... It might just happen that you can (and do!).

Elsewise, about all you can do is "start over".... and hope that, somewhere "out there" is yet another great girl who will hang with you.... and who is not in such judgemental surroundings...

Good luck.... AND, keep your activities and morals so far on the up-and-up that there can never (again) be any questions....

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada + , writes (13 June 2014):

BrownWolf agony aunt

Since her father is a minister, take him aside and speak to him. Explain to him your faults and regrets. If he wishes to pray for your forgiveness, then let it be so. Show him you are manning up to your faults. Start there and see where it goes.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2014):

Time and patience. Labels stick with you for years. You need to prove to HER, that's all. When you've proved to her (by moving things VERY slowly and not doing anything suspicious), she'll be more inclined to back you up with her family.

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