A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi PeopleI am married but separated and live alone.My wife and I continue to be friends and I spend a lot of time with her and our 2 girls. Sometimes we share vacations. We go back a long way and I cannot imagine not having her in my life.6 years ago I met a woman, we became very close, she was in same predicament as myself, married but unhappily.We started seeing each other and sharing a lot of time.I became close with her and started thinking about a long term relationship.Was spending less time with my wife and more with her when her husband was at work.She was breaking frequently, seemed confused and found it hard to accept I was seeing my wife regularly. She hated it when we went on vacation and wished it was her.After some time I could see she was becoming increasingly miserable but she told me she loved me a lot.I also loved her and treasured our special times.We were compatible on many levels.Almost 6 years passed and my mother came from overseas. This meant I could not see her for 3 months.In the 3 months my wife and mother and daughters and myself were going away to places in Canada and she saw the pictures. This was almost 1 year ago.She then sent an e-mail to say she had enough, couldn't cope with the situation anymore and ended it.I called her a week after and she didn't pick up, I left a message asking if we could be friends.She didn't respond and the year has passed with zero contact from her.My birthday came and went as did Xmas and the New Year.I am finding hard to get my head around the fact that there has been absolutely no contact.I really believed we could be friends, we both discussed this before and said whatever happens we will always be friends.It means she was not telling the truth.I cant deny I miss her but I cannot change my situation, she wanted more, I could not deliver.But I miss her a lot and think of her all the time.I would love for us to be friends.I did giver her a ring to signify eternal friendship.She loved it.Any advice from you people please.Thanks.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (25 October 2015):
 You "sound" like an extremely self-centered guy who is incapable of understanding love and relationships....
Do you suppose that YOU would be happy with "you"... if you and your "girlfriend" were to trade places??????
Good luck....
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 October 2015):
 I think you need to make a decision and stick with it.
Sounds to me that you and your wife are still a couple even though you like to think the relationship has "almost" got to the point of you really separating, emotionally.
Living in a different residence does not constitute a finished relationship in all instances. Some couples choose to live in separate residences but are definitely still in a committed relationship with each other.
If the marriage is stale then you work on fixing it and rejuvenating the marriage or you end the marriage and start afresh and go on the lookout for a new partner.
Then you give 100% to the new relationship.Once your commitment is really serious then you also introduce the person to your friends and your family. without reservations.
Why did your lady friend not be considered suitable to introduce to your mother? Does your mother think you and your wife are still "together???"
Are you scared of your mother? Have you not told your mother that your marriage has some difficulties?
You kept your lady friend away and made her feel like a dirty secret.
I don't think your wife wants you to move on.
Do you want to move on?
If you want to move on then it's time the divorce was finalised and time you behaved like a single man with a family rather than the image you have now which is a married man in a relationship with his wife but where the man would like to have the ability to dabble on the side and meander through life with a nice good looking woman and a dream of something that you feel is lacking in your life.
Just dabbling on the side with a woman who is already married is hardly a start afresh relationship since the lady is still married, to someone else.
Not for a moment do I blame your lady friend from moving on. It was not a case of IF she would run, the real issue was - When would she give up on you?
Since she was being disrespected by you hiding her away while your mother visited and putting her on the side while you holidayed in Canada with your wife and family.
Make a decision to either make your marriage work or to separate emotionally as a prelude to starting your life afresh as a divorced man = with a woman who is not in a an existing relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2015): I am thinking exactly as Honeypie.You want your cake and eat it. It just doesn't work that way.My advice, you are better off with your wife. go back to her and leave this other woman alone.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 October 2015):
 You became close to this woman and was considering long term, but you could not even introduce her to your mother, instead placing your ex wife front and centre of your life.
And you say she was not telling the truth about being friends, hey, just a tip but friends introduce friends to the people important in their lives, like mothers and children, you did not do this so you were the first to renege on the "always remaining friends" commitment.
She wants more than the left over bits of your life which is all you are prepared to give her, so she walked.
I am glad she recognised the situation was never going to improve and did the best thing for her, you still can't deliver so, until YOU are ready to change you just have to accept the prospect of anything long term for you is next to nothing.
You made your choices, now live with them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2015): I personally wouldn't want a relationship with anybody who spent so much time with their ex wife and I don't think many people would. I'd be a little upset if I couldn't see somebody for three months because their mother came to visit and would prefer to be introduced to them.
I'm sorry I think you should move on from this, although it hurts and you miss her, not many people would be understanding of the situation.
It's great that you are on good terms with your ex as you have children though but there's no need to see her as much as you do. Try and put yourself in her shoes, would you ok if she spent so much time with an ex, went on holidays you weren't included in and never being allowed to meet her mother?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 October 2015):
 One thing is thinking "we can always be friends" another thing is living it.
I think you both have SO much unfinished business that you are not able to give a partner very much of yourself and your time - so (IMHO) it's like wanting your cake and eating it too.
You have STAYED married (even with a separation) for at LEAST 6 years, because it is CONVENIENT for you. And SHE? Well, she was married too. So really at some point in time it would fizzle out because it WASN'T a "real" relationship. It was a "good time" partnership. You BOTH were holding on to your marriages (you maybe more than her) but having this "secret" life on the side with each other.
A "ring to signify eternal friendship" sounds great, but meant nothing.
I think you are fooling yourself if you think any woman would settle for being your dirty secret, that your mother can't even know about. And really who wants to "date" a guy who still "plays" family with his wife? Who wants to be the 3rd wheel in their own relationship?
I'm sorry, that is not what you wanted to hear, but that is how I see it.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (24 October 2015):
It’s finished. Perhaps she had feelings for you and couldn’t settle for friendship so has made a clean break. Either way I think that if she’s not been in contact for that long, she doesn’t want to hear from you anymore and I really do think you should now leave her alone. How you live your life is up to you but I’m afraid a lot of people will be unhappy about the extent of your closeness with your ex-wife. It’s brilliant that you can still get on especially if you have children together, but that doesn’t mean you have to spend so much time together. A lot of people would at least question whether you are really over your ex-wife or whether they are a second best. I think this woman had doubts for a long time, so as I said I think you should now leave her alone and accept the fact that things haven’t worked out. I’m afraid if you can’t put some distance between you and your ex, this mightn’t be the last time something like this happens to you.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2015): Really? You are confused here? She isn't contacting you because she has had enough of your nonsense- going on vacation with your wife....three months no contact because your mother is over while you play happy families with your wife and kids- really? You are being incredibly insensitive and selfish, leave the girl alone. Carry on with your dipping in and out of what suits you, when it suits you with your wife and future relationships - its a nonsense way of carrying on and she has evidently had enough- good for her!
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