A
female
age
26-29,
PreciousNY
writes:I have been married for 5 1/2 years when I discovered my husband was watching a lot of porn. It started when I woke up one night and saw my husband walking to the bathroom with our lap top. He said he had to go to the bathroom but then put the computer down and went to bed. So I was alittle confused, but ignored it. The following night I came home from work and found it odd that the phone was in the computer room and he had not yet started dinner when he's been home for about 45 minutes. I checked the history on the computer and saw that he just watched a porn video called, "Drunk bitch gets fucked." That's when I realized that every night when he got home before me, he would call me to see where I was so he knew how much time he had to watch the videos. I laced into him and asked why he has to sneak it around and asked him not to do it. He denied watching it all. The next night I came home and was very curious so I went into the internet options to see what he has been watching. I discovered that he has been staying up til atleast 2 am watching porn. I was devastated and when I confronted him he told me he did because I told him he couldn't. I cried and he apologized and said he would never do it again. The next day I went to work and was very noticeably depressed. A friend asked what happened and to my regret I told her. She proceeded to tell me that it was no big deal and he was watching it to masturbate. I lost it and fell deeper into a depression. I was in shock because I have a very healthy sexual appetite and we watched it together so I couldn't understand why he would do it behind my back and feel the need to masturbate when he has unlimited access to me. I also didn't understand why he was watching it by himself late at night when I was always willing to watch with him. I went home and again asked him if he was masturbating and he seemed shocked and said he wasn't because there was no need for him to do it because I'm always willing. He again apologized and said he would never go on the computer again to look at porn. We had VHS porn videos that we watched and the tape was left in the VCR. I started to notice that the VCR was turned on after I kept turning it off. So I checked the display and noticed that it was not where we left it. I didn't say anything yet. One morning I went in the shower and when I came out I noticed that the VCR remote was moved from where it was when I hopped in the shower. So my suspicion was right again. He had been watching the videos every morning when I was in the shower. This time I reamed him and told him that if he has a porn addiction I am not willing to stand by him. He said he wasn't addicted and was just curious. Again he apologized and swore that nothing like this would happen again. He then took all the tapes and threw them out in a dumpster. Then after that he started watching the porn they show on HBO late at night. I woke up one night and saw him shut the cable box, raise the volume on the TV and shut the TV so it wouldn't look suspicious with the volume all the way down. I again told him to stop already. I don't understand why he would do this to me??? I am always willing and when I can't do anything for a few days every month I take care of his needs, dress up for him, take photos of myself, so what is his deal??? I am a 4'10 95 lb. blonde very attractive girl. He has made me feel so ugly and disgusting and totally betrayed. It has been quite some time now and I haven't caught him watching any porn, but I just have a gut feeling that this isn't over. Why do men do this? Does it mean that my husband doesn't like me? Does it mean that my husband wishes I was the porn stars on the videos? Can someone please help me understand why and come to terms with this? I've even asked him how he would feel if I were sneaking around watching big cocks dot com behind his back. He said it would bother him, but not to the extent his watching has bothered me. I've read a lot of forums and heard a lot of men and women say that it is no big deal but why can I not find peace with this? Why can't I accept it? He means the world to me and I just want to feel that I am all he wants and desires. Why is that too much for a woman to ask for. Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008): I have to admit I normally would not turn to the internet with this type of issue but I have. I found my husband is totally into porn. I was on the internet and all these pop ups kept coming up to porn sites. The one that actually caught me off the guard the most was that he had actually been to a site with local girls and had saved some of their pictures. We have not been intimate in a LONG time. I have a very healthy desire for him. But because I have put on weight the last few months he "resents" me. His excused when I inquired about the porn on the computer was "i don't know what you are talking about and those sites just pop up. " okay well I wasn't born yesterday AND you would have had to visit them for them to just "pop up" excuse for no desire for me is that I remind him about it at times. Okay sorry but i thought in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer? but I suppose men think differently. I was repulsed and disgusted when i saw these things that and to find out they were saved on the computer?! Teen agers at that. SICK! His excuse? THose girls really are not teens and these are staged. Sure...born yesterday isn't in my vocab. Sorry. I am angry, hurt, upset and just don't know what to do. Of course because I found this stuff I am a "Nosey bitch". I have a sick feeling this is just the cake topper. He said I knew that he watched porn before i met him because he is in the navy and they take it underway. Whatever. Ever heard of taking pictures of your WIFE along to masturbate to? Why do all men think this woman they are watching are gonna pop into the living room and be all over them? NO CHANCE....and besides I have to agree with the response earlier, those woman are nasty. Whoever would resort to that type of lifestyle is beyond me. Don't get me wrong it just isn't for me. I can't imagine making a living in porn. What happens when you do meet that man/woman of your dreams? You have been with everyone in the book whether it is an "art" or not. Besides I don't know bout ya'll but I thought that making love and intimacy was something special between a couple, whether they are married or not. It is a special closeness that only they can feel united the w/the love of your life as one. There is no greater feeling. I don't understand why men just don't understand that? and if it is nothing to be ashamed of or they are not trying to hide it than why do you put it in "specially marked folders?" and why don't you freely watch it when we are around? I mean if you are not hiding anything right? Sorry ya'll but I just feel this sort of thing is gross and I am not into it. That is why I married my husband to feel that bond with him. Nobody can make me feel the way he does. EVen though it hurts right now that things like this are happening. I hate to say it is the beginning of the end but if he doesn't see the profound affect it has on me than how can we get past it?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): I have the exact same issue. I caught my husband masterbating to internet porn on his cell phone! And I am a 25 year old, 5'4", 95lb brunet. We have been married only for a year and a half, and we have a baby girl. I managed to keep my trim look.
When I first caught him, I had a panic attack, which is very unlike me. Then he admitted to doing it often. He has naked pics of me on his phone, and he chooses to watch the porn. I'm devistated. I looked to find answers to why I feel so crappy about it, and I saw a theropists quote to one couple, making a very good point. Sure, it part of his sexuality, and he is accustomed to it being a private thing, but marriage is the giving up of ones self to his/ her partner completly, and sexuality should be shared. It may not be cheating in the traditional sence, but it has a very similar effect. I don't know about you, but I certainly feel cheated on! And here we are, using the internet productively;)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): There is a difference between "porn addiction," and "just curious". The sad thing is is that most "curious seekers" if not careful, will lead to an addiction. Porn addiction is like any other addiction......it kills, maims and destroys a relationship or marriage. It seems the more they look, the more they want to look, and the more they have to look.Sad addiction to boot!
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A
female
reader, PreciousNY +, writes (28 April 2008):
PreciousNY is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just feel that if I want to be with him 7 nights a week and he only gives me 5 nights because the other 2 nights he's getting off on porn, that's leaving me high and dry isn't it? Why would I feel inadequate when he watches it with me....atleast then I know that I'm getting him off, and he's not doing it alone. I think alot of men fail to realize what this type of behavior does to a woman in every way possible. Especially if she is pregnant or has had children already. As I've heard a man say once, "The real badge of a woman is stretch marks." Men lack compassion and common sense in this area. How would you all feel if your women were staying up late watching hot men of all sizes.....not very good right. You would all start to question if you are satisfying your women. This is the same thing for a woman and then some. I also agree with the female readers....most men who watch porn do NOT realize that these women are air brushed, fake and wide open enough for a tractor trailer to drive through and full of nasty diseases. Is that really what you all want and loath for? How can any man wish to fantasize about that. If a man knows how hurtful this is to their women they should just stop! No one needs to get off on porn to live. Although I think I did just realize that I had no right to tell him what he can or cannot do with himself as long as it stays solo. And I've also pretty much forbade him to watch it again and it's been a while and I don't think he has, but I am now afraid that he may come to resent me for it later. We were high school sweethearts and neither one of us has ever been with anyone else, so does anyone for see this to become an issue if it hasn't already?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): How painful to know your husband is doing this. I would feel exactly the same, in fact it would be the end of my marriage I think. I know for a fact my husband adores my body and doesnt need these books,he said he did all that when he was young. I cant understand why older men need it, they are pathetic. If they are not intelligent enough to realise all these women are airbrushed and false (and if they prefer that to a real woman) they are not worth being with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): all the guys (and some ignorant girls) will say that the fact the husband looks at porn doesnt mean he is not happy with our body or wants something else...but thats rubbish...
If it was our bodies they desired most the women in porn would have stretch marks and show the ravages of motherhood like 99% of us real married women..but they rarely do...so I dont believe a thing they say...I know you say you dont ave hose signs now....so imagine how much worse you will feel if you have kids with this guy and he still looks at porn...men who watch porn have no idea what a real womans body should look like.....their too brainwashed by barbie and her silicone twins
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A
male
reader, eddie  + ♥, writes (27 April 2008):
 If he is actually sneaking off to see porn as much as you say, and your opinion could be slightly jaded, then he may have some sort of addiction. If he is not giving you sex, the it may be an issue. Did you say in your original post he was leaving you high and dry?
This does not have to be about you. You are focused on making it a "you" issue. When you watched porn with him, why didn't you feel inadequate then? It was the same porn stars with great bodies doing whatever they were doing. What gave you the sense of control when you watched it with him?
When a man masturbates it can be to some of the most unlikely characters so don't fret about it. Perhaps he masturbates too much, watches porn too much etc. That is not an indication of what he feels for you though. Masturbation is not a great alternative to a real partner. IF he chooses masturbation over being with you, maybe he has other issues but it's not because you're not like the porn women.
I don't think porn, in moderation, is that bad. Some people don't know the limits though. What ever you do, you can't be the masturbation police, unless he's not pleasuring you.
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A
female
reader, sarahhh +, writes (27 April 2008):
He sounds like he is addicted to porn. There's one thing to get off, but sneaking it in when you're in the shower?! Sounds like it is taking over. If you like to watch it with him, but he's also sneaking around with it, it shows he knows what he's doing isn't normal.
I always hear that it doesn't reflect on the woman, if her partner feels he needs porn, it's not connected to her. I don't really know the truth since I am not a guy, but that's what they say.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): When a man masturbates to porn, or just watches it, does it have anything to do with their wives/girlfriends? Does it mean that they are not satisfied, or wish you looked like them? NO, it just means that men like variety and like to look at naked women. That's all. I think he does have a slight addiction though, and you're right it probably is not over with. But he is ashamed of it too, so he will be more sly about it. Just try to forget it until (if) you catch him again. You may have inforced his thinking that it was ok to look at porn because you watched it with him. I watched it w/ my husband a few times, and afterward started finding that he had been watching it alone. Yes, it bothered me. I told him to stop, he said he would but he didn't. Not completely. Men are just that way when it comes to porn. I think they feel like they need to see it at least sometimes. I have learned that I freaked out a little too much the last time I found pics. of naked women that he had viewed online. I did just have a baby via c-section and was bed ridden when he was doing it. So it hurt a lot. But I feel stupid now because of the extreme way I reacted. I screamed at him & hit him. It is just a natural thing.
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A
female
reader, PreciousNY +, writes (27 April 2008):
PreciousNY is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEddie, I am relating this to me because it has to be about me doesn't it? Ever since this happened neither one of us has looked at porn and I never watched it behind his back....we were always together. How can it be none of my business if he can be so selfish as to please himself and leave me hanging high and dry? I have actually never written in before, this would be my first time. Why shouldn't I feel slighted if he would rather masturbate to the fake porn stars than be with his own wife. You say not to attach myself to those people, but the same way it is only natural for a man to get turned on by all females, it is only natural for women to feel they cannot compete with the girls in these videos that their husbands are getting off on. When a man masturbates to porn, or just watches it, does it have anything to do with their wives/girlfriends? Does it mean that they are not satisfied, or wish you looked like them?
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A
male
reader, eddie + ♥, writes (27 April 2008):
You're trying to relate this to you. If your sex life is great and you're enjoying each other, this should really be such a big deal. You even watch porn yourself. As for masturbation, that is none of your business. You can not and must not try to control this aspect of his life. Unless it is a huge issue where he is spending way too much time masturbating and none with you, why do you feel slighted.
The reason it's called masturbation is because it's done alone, by the person who is pleasuring them self. I think you've written in about this before. Do not try and attach yourself to the women in the films. You are not those people. If your account of the situation is accurate, it sounds like he may be a little too much into porn and you may be a little bit too much of a detective.
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