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My husband's porn watching has put me in a deep depression, someone help me understand why?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Pornography, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 April 2008) 109 Answers - (Newest, 5 October 2013)
A female United States age 30-35, *reciousNY writes:

I have been married for 5 1/2 years when I discovered my husband was watching a lot of porn. It started when I woke up one night and saw my husband walking to the bathroom with our lap top. He said he had to go to the bathroom but then put the computer down and went to bed. So I was alittle confused, but ignored it. The following night I came home from work and found it odd that the phone was in the computer room and he had not yet started dinner when he's been home for about 45 minutes. I checked the history on the computer and saw that he just watched a porn video called, "Drunk bitch gets fucked." That's when I realized that every night when he got home before me, he would call me to see where I was so he knew how much time he had to watch the videos.

I laced into him and asked why he has to sneak it around and asked him not to do it. He denied watching it all. The next night I came home and was very curious so I went into the internet options to see what he has been watching. I discovered that he has been staying up til atleast 2 am watching porn. I was devastated and when I confronted him he told me he did because I told him he couldn't. I cried and he apologized and said he would never do it again. The next day I went to work and was very noticeably depressed.

A friend asked what happened and to my regret I told her. She proceeded to tell me that it was no big deal and he was watching it to masturbate. I lost it and fell deeper into a depression. I was in shock because I have a very healthy sexual appetite and we watched it together so I couldn't understand why he would do it behind my back and feel the need to masturbate when he has unlimited access to me.

I also didn't understand why he was watching it by himself late at night when I was always willing to watch with him. I went home and again asked him if he was masturbating and he seemed shocked and said he wasn't because there was no need for him to do it because I'm always willing. He again apologized and said he would never go on the computer again to look at porn. We had VHS porn videos that we watched and the tape was left in the VCR.

I started to notice that the VCR was turned on after I kept turning it off. So I checked the display and noticed that it was not where we left it. I didn't say anything yet. One morning I went in the shower and when I came out I noticed that the VCR remote was moved from where it was when I hopped in the shower. So my suspicion was right again. He had been watching the videos every morning when I was in the shower.

This time I reamed him and told him that if he has a porn addiction I am not willing to stand by him. He said he wasn't addicted and was just curious. Again he apologized and swore that nothing like this would happen again. He then took all the tapes and threw them out in a dumpster. Then after that he started watching the porn they show on HBO late at night. I woke up one night and saw him shut the cable box, raise the volume on the TV and shut the TV so it wouldn't look suspicious with the volume all the way down.

I again told him to stop already. I don't understand why he would do this to me??? I am always willing and when I can't do anything for a few days every month I take care of his needs, dress up for him, take photos of myself, so what is his deal??? I am a 4'10 95 lb. blonde very attractive girl. He has made me feel so ugly and disgusting and totally betrayed.

It has been quite some time now and I haven't caught him watching any porn, but I just have a gut feeling that this isn't over.

Why do men do this? Does it mean that my husband doesn't like me? Does it mean that my husband wishes I was the porn stars on the videos?

Can someone please help me understand why and come to terms with this? I've even asked him how he would feel if I were sneaking around watching big cocks dot com behind his back. He said it would bother him, but not to the extent his watching has bothered me.

I've read a lot of forums and heard a lot of men and women say that it is no big deal but why can I not find peace with this? Why can't I accept it?

He means the world to me and I just want to feel that I am all he wants and desires. Why is that too much for a woman to ask for. Please help.

View related questions: depressed, porn, the internet

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A male reader, Stoney1215 United States +, writes (5 October 2013):

I know im a bit late but i wanted to add my view.

First if you feel it is wrong or cheating or what ever if your husband watched porn ask yourself why you feel this was. Do you have a problem with porn or your husband getting turned on by it and masturbating to it ? If it is just the porn you have to make a decision to live with it or leave him. If it is him getting turned maybe understanding what is really happening will help.

All men masturbate. It does not matter if we have regular sex or not. To be honest most of the time it really has nothing to do with sex at all. Usually it is just the need to release. That is why it usually only takes a couple minutes. Since men are visual we would rather watch porn that use our imagination. It allows us to easily visualize or sexual fantasies. Not the women , our fantasies. And lets face it most women would surely say no if her husband asked her do the things we fantasize about.

As for the cheating thing. How could watching something on tv possibly be cheating ? How could fantasizing possibly be cheating ? If it is then there is not a person who has not cheated. Erotic novels , peoples sexiest man , the beefcake calendar of firemen , most women pop stars . We all fantasize from these things.

Men watch porn. Men masturbate. It is just reality. You either ignore it , accept it , or dont get involved with men.

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A female reader, Dnp100181 United States +, writes (10 April 2013):

I know this was over a year ago but I am kind of going through same thing. I am 7 months pregnant and about a month and a half ago my phone broke so I was using my husbands phone which we have been together for about 6 years but only have been married for 2 months but anyway I was using his phone and found a ton of downloaded porn from pornhub I was totally devastated I felt like I caught him cheating on me my heart started pounding and I couldn't breath I checked in to it a little more and looked at his history for 4 years he has been doing this sometimes 3 times a day and we were only having sex like maybe once every 2 months and we have watched them together a few times but I never knew he was in to it like this I'm so hurt plus like I said I'm pregnant and finding this I feel like its my fault that something is wrong with me. It also hurts me that when I used to go to bed when I had to be up early for work and begged him to go to bed with me he wouldn't and now I know why. I don't know what part hurts me the most about this he told me he would stop and I haven't seen it on his phone since but there's ways to hide it plus he's a truck driver and is gone Monday comes home Tuesday afternoon and Thursday till Friday so I don't know what to believe I'm a mess I'm so depressed and I feel alone I have completely changed with him I'm not happy no more I'm so obsessed about checking on him and picturing him sitting there masturbating thinking things I don't bond with my unborn baby girl no more I want to just be ok because I love this man like I have never loved anyone before but I'm scared and don't want to let that wall down I built to protect my heart

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012):

(one more time) Pornography is horrible. It’s destroying marriages, families our country and eventually the entire world. It’s adultery in your mind ~ living in your head instead of reality. It’s repugnant that a man would claim that it’s fine to watch two others (or more) jeopardize their health by having illicit sex, but they are too afraid to subjects themselves to disease and debasement *or* furthermore they think it’s perfectly fine. If they can’t watch it in front of their grandmother, mother, wife or daughter they shouldn’t be watching it all. Listen, debasing woman will eventually lose it’s luster. Then they will move to same sex (which is already happening) then they will move to children and eventually bestiality. Pornography is destroying the hearts of men that will be part of the end of civilization as we know it. Men are supposed to protect women and children. Sodom & Gomorrah wasn’t destroyed because the men were sodomizing each other; it says it was destroyed because of the cries of the children. No little girl grows up and says she hopes she marries a man that would rather masturbate to pornography than have a sexually relationship with her. Any man that justifies this is not even worthy of being called a man. Men take responsibility ~ adolescent children behave selfishly and only consider their own selfish desires despite others and are generally reprimanded for it. Furthermore, my question is this - why do these individuals ever get married or take on a girlfriend ? They can masturbate all day long to pornography without a care in the world if they never committed themselves to a relationship with a woman (?) I purpose that their sick behavior isn’t as exciting to them unless they are lying, hiding and potentially hurting another … and more specifically a woman. I dare say these men deep down enjoy abusing woman. If they aren’t doing it physically, they are doing it mentally. It’s a sad state of affairs that the majority of men in our civilization are participating in this … that only tells me how close we are to when the SHTF. Justify your porn use fellas ~ make sure you also place your heads between your legs and kiss your sorry back ends good-bye.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012):

Well, we have been married 2 1/2 years. I had a feeling early on that he was watching porn/masterbating, but our sex life was okay. About a year ago the sex pretty much stopped. i realized that I was not getting the attention that he was giving me. He has been unemployed since right after we got married. Not unitl 3 weeks ago, did I realize how addicted he is to porn or his "member." I took my laptop to my office, I turned off the data on his cell phone. He keeps saying it is my "member" and I can do what I want. We had an awesome night last night and this morning he was in a rage. Yelling and screaming at 6:00 a.m. I had no clue what was going on. He kept saying yes, you do. Not until he said something about the lock i put on the television. he said you just want to control everything. Well, I want him to get over this addiction and get back to reality. It is almost like he is living in a fantasy world. Excuse me, I am paying the bills and i will put a lock on whatever i want. I am so done with this marriage, I really am. I feel terrible about myself, I don't trust the man that I once loved. Done, I say, I am done. thanks for letting me vent and also read everyones stories. Yep, I can't compete with a porn star and I don't want to. I'd rather be alone than feel terrible all the time adn wonder that is he thinking.

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A female reader, girlnextd00r Canada +, writes (6 August 2012):

At the beginning of our relationship, I found out that on a vacation my boyfriend had inquired about hookers with the intention to have one for his birthday that night.... Well, he's also addicted to porn, my daughter saw naked women on his laptop screen and I flipped out on him, but she's seen it again since then (he denies it). Well, now he constantly claims to have to use the bathroom, to look at porn on his phone. I can relate to women feeling self conscious, considering cosmetic surgery etc as I have too... But what have I done instead right away? I've posted risque pictures of myself on a site/forum he frequents, and plan to keep doing so. It's so far boosting my confidence (face is not in pictures). Men love to look at other men's wives, girl friends, fiances... but they do not want anyone looking at their significant other. I step up to the plate and play ball instead of backing down. I'm a bit smug, and it pisses him off.... But hell, if he's not happy with what he has at home, millions of other men would treat you like a queen ;)

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A female reader, damn him New Zealand +, writes (10 July 2012):

7months married...4 times caught on internet...no regular normal healthy sex life...totally and utterly distoyed as i find photos of his ex in our fkn bedroom (only 80 of them) and the seperate one in his top drawer.internet saved images of XXXL woman...my nightmares have well and truely come true....thanks prince fkn charming

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012):

Here's the thing; You husband wants to be free of the pressure of impressing you.

It's really simple.

Even though you're feeling LEFT OUT of what he's doing on the sly, he isn't doing it on the sly because he wants to leave you out, it's because he want to orgasm freely without needing to impress anyone.

I know it seems like men just want to have sex with whatever moves, but this isn't so, as a matter of fact; most men wouldn't have the balls to have sex with ANY of the women they watch in porn, those women (while attractive or uninhibited) are not relationship material or even realistic sexual material.

Most of us are too afraid of catching a disease to even have sex with a partially slutty girl, no matter how much better at sex she may be than a non-slutty one.

At the same time porn gives us guys an outlet to pretend we can feel uninhibited ourselves, when in fact the reason we need porn at all is because we've set the standards of our sexual practices higher than our turn-on ratio allows for.

Alot of times the reason my own wife doesn't turn me on is because she expects to maintain a routine of sorts, based entirely on her own needs or feelings that has nothing whatsoever to do with me, so my own situation is a bit more hard to cope with than your mate's.

You need to simply explain to your man that you aren't going to think there is anything wrong with him, no matter what strange stuff he wants to watch, and you're not going to think that he's looking to enact what is purely fantasy just because he is watching it.

If he thought you weren't taking it too seriously (because he isn't), then he would easily share it all with you, especially if you can show interest in his member when it isn't completely erect.

That is what probably is at the base or root of the entire issue.

Men feel that it is easier to turn themselves on when alone, with no one judging them, for the same reason they don't want to pee standing next to someone else and will go in a stall and close the door.

Simply put: Embarrassment.

The man is embarrassed, and you are harassing him.

If you change your tactics, and accept his man-member for all it's forms, big or small, and show him how much you enjoy watching it go from one state to the other, and explain to him that you think it's so sexy to watch him enjoy himself, and can truly not put stock in what he is watching anymore than to get a kick out of what he's getting a kick out of; then there is hope for your marriage.

If you keep assuming that his attempts to get around you to enjoy himself aren't your fault, then you are dooming your relationship.

Men don't just need constant access to sex, they also need understanding about things that women don't usually go out of their way to care about.

Men are optic, women are audio, men watch, women listen, so if you're not hearing from him what you want to hear, give him what he wants to see and listen after that, he will counter in kind.

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A male reader, manwithaplan United States +, writes (4 July 2012):

You sound kind of controlling as well as many other women of the world-and this guy you're dating sounds like a complete dumbass. Most men watch porn. Women hate it because they can't control it. It's easy to get your feelings hurt when you want to control aspects of someones life(even though in this case the boyfriend sounds like a tool). Maybe the reason men look up porn so much in relationships is because it's a control thing-on top of being a total horn dog. It's the only thing they can take charge of. You hear it all the time, "girlfriend snoops, girlfriend finds out things she doesn't want to", "girlfriend checks boyfriend's phone when he's not around". Trust is a two way street here ladies. Bottom line, the reason he's looking up porn is because he's sick of what he's getting in the bedroom. It has nothing to do with your looks. It all has to do with what he's had before. Men look up porn because it's new and different every time. I hope I haven't hurt too many feelings, but it's the truth. You sound like a good girl with a horny sex-driven boyfriend. Lose him or lose your mind. You choose, because he's not losing the porn.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2012):

Some men will really say everything to excuse and defend their porn. They will invalidate women’s feelings, turn the problem as being the woman (SHE is insecure, SHE has self-esteem issues), they will say that when women identify porn as being the problem, there must in fact be something else and that porn is just a scapegoat. Sorry but no. For all these women, myself included, porn is the problem. Eliminate the porn and the problem is gone. I am tired of men (and some women preaching to other women with a sense of superiority because they get male-approval for accepting porn) pointing the finger elsewhere and making women doubt themselves, and telling women that they have to accept something that is so damaging to their dignity. A lot of what is seen in porn has to do with humiliating and degrading women. And no, there is no other way to interpret it. A lot of porn is misogynist and portrays a grotesque caricature of women’s sexuality. It is perfectly normal for a woman to feel repulsed by this. And when your partner consumes these kinds of images enthusiastically, you begin to feel repulsed by him. You begin to think he does not respect women, thus does not respect you. Anyway, that’s what I think. And I eventually stop loving my partner the more my resentment and contempt grew. I decided to leave him, even if we had a house and a child together. And no, there was no other problem in our relationship. If it was not for internet porn, I am sure we would still be together.

Men say that women have to accept their porn use, that we have no choice, that all men do it and that we can’t control them. First of all, it is not a question of control, it is a question of respect for the other’s feelings. Will I accuse my partner of controlling me because he does not agree with me sleeping with other men? Secondly, no, women do not have to accept it, they have a choice. To leave! Most divorces are initiated by women, and internet porn is a major cause of divorce nowadays. Women do not have to tolerate continuous assaults to their dignity. Women will end up alone? So be it. But guess what, there will be men at the other end who will also end up alone, simple question of mathematics. Better be alone than with someone who makes you feel like shit.

Women, you do not have to tolerate this, if your partner refuses to stop a behaviour that justifiably hurts you, that means he does not care about you and does not deserve your love. A lot of men seem not to care about women; their porn use proves it. It is time women care less about them and more about themselves. They will try to make us change the way we feel, but it is not possible; your feelings will not go away because what we feel is right, we can not deny or ignore our feelings. Porn is unhealthy and misogynist. Free yourself from it and gain back your self-respect. Leave him now because you will be at the same place in a few years and more depressed while if you leave now you will feel better in a few years, you can’t regret leaving someone who does not care about you.

I have no regrets. And I have a friend who is in the process of leaving her husband for the exact same reasons and she will come live with me for some time. Turn to other women for support, we are many confronting this situation. You are not alone and you are right for feeling this way, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Women must not capitulate to the sex industry woman-hating propaganda. Love yourself first and do what you have to do to prove it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012):

"To the woman whose therapist told her "Porn is unhealthy within a marriage" and "70% of women in porn have been molested," well sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your therapist is an idiot and you should get another one ASAP."

WOW. Let's for the moment presume that therapists are indeed spreading this information, how exactly did you come to the conclusion that this stat is, as you say, "Bullshit?"

First of all, you don't have to go to a therapist to find out about what is happening behind the scenes of pornography. Just go flip through the book of some of porn's most famous and biggest advocates, such as Jenna Jameson and Linda Lovelace. Jameson confesses to have been molested as a child, a little older as being raped by a partner, and still even a little later--gang raped and left for dead. Jamenson recounts story after story, fact after fact about the horrors of the industry. She informs you most women's entry into porn is through Gonzo. She also states that the contract agreements these girls sign are extremely unfair. She doesn't seem to like the industry, but somehow still defends it's 'right' to be there.

The famous and infamous Linda Lovelace was boasting publicly that she loved sex and making movies during the sensation of Inside Deep Throat. Yet, when she was finally able to escape from her husband, the producer, she then confesses the true story about her involvement--forcibly raped and beaten into participating in these, still, ever popular films. Where is this choice everyone is claiming she had and obviously choosing? where, exactly, do you expect these women go? She didn't have money because she was forced to work for free. Apparently, a rapist's 'free speech' is more important than her humanity. She was also molested...

The actress, Sasha Grey, never claims she was molested. However, she does confess that no one could deny that most women in porn have had it rough and been sexually abused.

You're going to believe what you want because, honestly, you apparently like watching women with a sexually abuse history being raped. Men acknowledging what men are really getting their rocks off too is probably a really uncomfortable feeling, so the good old ego comes to the day with good ol' denial mechanisms.

Men like you seem to only want to hear 1 confession from porn actresses, "I want more!" What happens off the set, well, then they must be lying, unless those actresses are smiling and advocating your right to degrade them...then they're worthy of your time to take note and reaffirm the notion, "This is what some women obviously want."

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2012):

You're not wrong to be concerned. Like it or not everyone out there porn destroys faith, trust, respect, shall I go on? Once you make a commitment to someone then that means that person only. You don't subject yourself to others of the opposite sex. Do unto others as you would like done unto you. How would you like it if the only way your partner got turned on was by looking at the opposite sex instead of coming to you? How would you like it if it didn't take thinking of you to get them turned on but to watch someone else? You end up being left overs they can't get over the internet. Sucks once you look at it that way huh?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012):

haha oh god...

Here is a news flash for all of you women still in the dark. Ready? Here goes...

EVERY MAN ON EARTH WATCHES PORN.

We like variety, and it has nothing to do with you.

If your man would rather watch porn than have sex with you, however, that's a different issue. That would indicate to me that there is something else (i.e. non-sexual) that is wrong in your relationship!

To the woman whose therapist told her "Porn is unhealthy within a marriage" and "70% of women in porn have been molested," well sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your therapist is an idiot and you should get another one ASAP.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012):

hi there

i read through all the answers some are excellent answers but i have the real answer for you all.. they will never stop watching porn. i lived with this for 15 years. i first caught him when i logged on to my computer 15 years ago and a weird name lanceivegot appeared onscreen. i thought id been hacked but then my boyfriend of 2 weeks at the time said it was him when he's been staying one night when i was at work and he woz just having a bit of fun.. i thought nothing more about it. then a few weeks later i had a bad car accident and wos in hospital for a short time. i came home and boyfriend came to look after me. i woke early one morning about 5.30am he wasnt in bed so i got up and went down stairs and caught him masterbating while watching a couple on webcam. i was gutted because i really trusted this man. anyway i threw him out. so then started the promises of i wont do it again etc so we got back together. needless to say it never stopped he just became more secretive what he didnt know was i had installed a spy program on my computer to see what activity there was. thats when i realised just how much he was watching and how often he was sneaking up at night to do this. he'd even watched once while we were at a friends house round the corner having drinks one evening after he offered to pop home and get some c'd's. thats when i realised there was a real problem and confronted him and offered to help him. some of the excuses he gave were amazing to say the least. ranging from he thought he was small compared to other men to he liked watching swingers and loads more. anyway now he new the computers in the house were monitered it seemed to stop. but im not that trusting so i knew he must be finding some other way and indeed he was with c'd's that i found one day hidden in an old cd case.. believe me they get very very sneaky.. the best is yet to come.. after a few years of what i though were relativly good. i found no porn or anything. so i think i lulled myself into a false sence of him not watching it anymore we watched together etc and stupidly i thought this was enough. then one weekend i wanted him to clear out our old shed so of he went to do it and was loading all the junk into the back of his van. i went out and saw on top of sum old junk an old nokia mobile phone. i said whos is the phone he said i dunno it was in the shed ive just chucked it in the junk. i knew then whos it was so i said have you found the charger for it cos il have it. anyway next day when he was at work i went a bought a charger for it and no doubt you can guess what all the internet history was.. worst though was all the calls he had been making to chat lines etc so i could imagine what he'd been doing. then i remembered all the mobiles he had ever had and all the spam messages he used to get from chat lines which he would blame on his mates etc obviously they logged the numbers that called them and sent them spamming texts that why he had bought the sneaky phone.. i realised then that he had been doing this ever since we met.. he was still denying it though for weeks but then did admit that he had bought the phone and had done all what id said but had stopped a year or so earlier as he felt that it was becoming a problem and he was starting to feel seedy. you wernt joking with that mate... sure enough the dates on the phone coroborated that. all along the way i have tried my best to help this man ive watched porn with him done the dressing up fantasy bit. but there comes a time when you feel that your banging your head on a brick wall.. we've managed a few more years now where ive found nothing then a few weeks ago i woke at 2am he wasnt in bed so i got up when i got to the top of the stairs i saw the telly suddenly get switched off. so i shouted what ya doing his answer was he couldnt sleep.. i just said so you wernt watching the adult channels then.. he says no so i just said well if i come down now and check they will still be locked off the sky with the parental controls then will they and then he had to admit that yes he was watching.. that was when i realised that id had enough what once was a wonderful relationship was now nothing i didnt need this affecting my life anymore. obviously this was the reason id never found anything over the last few years no cd's magazines etc cos he had just been using the adult channels on the sky tv early in the morning when he was getting up early for work.. anyway he has now moved out i hope him and his hand will be very happy together. so my advice is just to get rid... believe me all the feelings of worthlessness etc will disapear as soon as you do. i wish i'd never took him back the first time i ever caught him so dont waste 15 years like me trying to help them because you can't...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012):

I disagree with some of the answers here. My husband has been looking at porn for the 20 years that we have been married. After we got a computer, it got worse. Over the years, he became withdrawn, silent, lives for the day, is numb on everything, doesn't have a care in the world, never concerned about a problem, can show no empathy towards anything about me, we have slept in separate beds for years now, but the worst thing is he can't keep an erection -- not since I was 42. I am now 58. So go on and enjoy your porn, but remember for most people; it will eventually turn your weiner into a weenie!

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A female reader, stashapc United States +, writes (15 February 2012):

I can definitely relate to the women who have been hurt by their partners who watch pornography and lie about it - REPEATEDLY. For any woman or man here who enjoys porn, good for you. Not everyone does. If this is something that a couple can enjoy together and alone as supplemental, good for you, too. But when a person is confronted, lies, promises to never do it again and breaks their promise - serves them right when their wives or girlfriends can no longer trust or love them. If you cannot keep your promises to your significant other you don't deserve their love, appreciation or trust. You are a user and manipulator and only care about what you can get away with and not the emotions or well-being about your spouse. The topic of facing reality is brought up in this comment thread again and again. Here's another dose of reality. Liars deserve what they get. Why is that a difficult concept? If you remain selfish enough to hide, deceive and not give a spits worth of thought to how you partner feels, being a "man" with "needs" and being "visual creatures" (hey, I'm an artist and a majority of my work deals with visuals, and I'm a woman) you are making up excuses to not take responsibility for your actions. Ladies, do not feel like you are ugly and worthless because of selfish cowardly behavior. Remember, we have a long way to go. C'mon, it's only been since 1920 when women have been given the right to vote. Men have been brought up to treat women like second or third rate citizens for a while now, whether they are aware of it or not. This has been going on for centuries. Love makes it difficult to break away from those who treat us unfairly, but if we don't stick up for ourselves the pattern will never change. If a person wants to be left alone to play with themselves - leave them to it. Let them enjoy their "ideal" life of emotionless, un-interactive media - alone. When it's all a person is left with they may grow up and want more and actually know how to nurture a relatioship. For the record, I have nothing against masturbation. That is an individual's right to their own bodies. Not to mention a way to learn about what feels good to us. However I am against people who lie and when confronted deny, or worse yet, turn it against the partner who has confronted them. That is not ok.

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A female reader, cloudninE_120 United States +, writes (17 March 2011):

I have no answer, I was seeking help here. My husband is also addicted and am i wrong for feeling

; fat, unattractive, inadequate? he'd rather have a bj than anything but I've recently have given up on that until he reciprocates, that will never happen for its always been about his pleasure. he told me this morn he doesn't desire to be in me. I confronted him later that he surely didn't mean my mouth. he's been sleeping ever since. I'd like to expand on the oral for a moment, he has conquered me by teaching me how to

"deep throat" until i spit blood ... you see it doesn't matter to these men as long as they are satisfied it seems,,, deeply concerned about the other women in my seat

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011):

i can relate to this, my husband and i have been married for almost a year. i first started noticing him watching porn on his phone when i would use it id check it out of curiousity, he had been downloading videos of porn almost everynight he'd go to work. i confronted him he denied it, he said it wasn't him it was his friends. so i asked him not to let his friends lookk that up on his phone. so later i decided to do away with the internet on our phones. we moved into our own place then had internet on our laptop. i go to school every morning and i come home check the web history and damnit he looks at it at 6 in the morning i confront him agian, denies it again and says its not him. seriously who else is here to watch it when im not home. it has got me so depressed like i wouldnt care but why hide it from me why deny everything, we have a great sex life. but since this happens on a regular basis now its got me feeling so depressed and disrespected i dont know what to do. i dont feel like im pretty or skinny enough for him...i dont know what to do.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011):

With all due respect to all the ladies and their heart felt dilema. I will try to answer why men have such porn issue. First all let's all agree that men are visual creatures by nature. Yes? Yes we are. Men like porn as women like shoes - iit's a billion dollar industry.That said, the real issue is and real question is where is the heart of your man. As long as you have your man's heart and soul the rest is a cupcake.If he masturbates- let him. Ask any sexologist and they'll tell you it's healthy for a man to do so because it's keep him sexually primed, and his organs functional, and prevents him from impotency. Would you prefer him impotent and no sex. Learn to include him ,share porn with him, include it in your sex, dress up for him, sexualize him, basically do your thing and the rest will follow.The core issue off all previous comments have to do with insecurities that women have. If throughout your lives you've depended on your looks and that has gotten you far and now it doesn't, if you self validation has come from him and others, if you married or are with him for his looks,money,etc without real love then pain awaits you and porn is just another issue of many. Some of you said you'd leave your man- come on man, then you don't love your man. Before you contemplate do get professional counseling help and you'll realize the porn problem is the just the mear surface of your many issues that have nothing to do with him. When you go shopping for shoes or chocolate remember that porn is sweet for men too - so let him be and don't mother him by nagging. I know this to be true because I share porn with my wife for four years and though it was a issue at first this has strengthen our relationship.

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A female reader, lilmama1204 United States +, writes (24 October 2010):

I know what your feeling, i went through the same thing only for him to tell me that i would never understand, he calls it art, some kind of art. i hurts me really bad that he really doesn't understand how much it hurts me. he said that he removed it off of his laptop, i think that he just moved it to his external drive. just to day i found it on his phone again. i'm just so tiered of all the lies. the only thing that concerns me is we have 3 daughters and if they happen to want to look at his phone what would think?? their dads a pervert. it makes me sick. here the funny thing he doesn't know i know its happening again. how do i put myself this again, confronting him. wheres the trust? he is always so secretive with his stuff. what should I do?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010):

I am so sorry all of you are going through this.

The best advice I can give you is to try to help them as long as they want help. If they say they want help, but they don't act like it, it's time to leave. This is an addiction and it can last forever if your husband isn't commited to making a change.

I have lived what quite a few of the stories have described over my 17 year, yes 17 year, marriage.

I am a 38 year old mother of 4. I have been fortunate enough to stay at home with my kids, but without much of a partner. I am fit and attractive and I also have a husband addicted to porn, and even more addicted to phone sex. I found out one week before our wedding and when I confronted him, I heard the "I'm so sorry" and the "I'm so relieved to not have to hide this anymore, I'll never do it again". I would hear these words many more times in the years to come.

We tried therapy, I tried things that just weren't me, and even tried the phone sex and watching porn with him-all of which just cheepened our relationship. There were short moments in the marriage when things were great and seemed to be turning around-we have a child for each one of those times, only for him to fall back into it. Each set back for him would cause an even deeper hurt for me, knowing I had forgiven his behavior only to be devastated again.

I know some of you have financial situations with children that can prevent you from just up and leaving, but have a plan and stick to it. Give yourself a timeframe that you are willing to cope with his addiction, as long as you feel he is improving. At the end of that timeframe, if he ever has any setbacks, you need to leave. This is crucial for your own sanity. It is so easy to let their improvements cloud your judgement when they fall back into the old behavior. If you aren't careful, this addiction will consume your life as much as theirs, only you are the one left feeling unloved, unwanted, hopeless, with all of the emotional wounds. Trust me, I know.

I hope this will help some of you realize that it has absolutely nothing to do with you, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it without your husband wanting to change.

I decided several years ago that I am finished with him and his problem. I have closed the door on this relationship and we really don't even talk anymore. Yes, I am still married to him but after waiting for my youngest 2 children to start school, I am going back to college to get my degree. I will then be completely capable of living free of him and all of his painful baggage.

Good luck to everyone of you. Be strong and remember that you are wonderful, lovable, amazing women...it's your husband that is flawed.

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A female reader, whiskeydream United States +, writes (18 October 2010):

whiskeydream agony auntI have been going though the same.. I have been married for 3 years and since we said I do he has been looking at porn everyday..Everytime he has free time at work and on his way home., and when he acts like he has to go to the bathroom. Even when he thinks I am asleep. He has girls talking to him all the time.. He goes to so many sites I lost count. It got so bad I even talked to his mom about it. He has made me feel like crap. When we sit together on the couch to watch tv he's watching porn or looking at nude pictures.. I am 5' 5" and I am about 145lbs.. I am a mother of 3. I am a stay at home mom. Which doesn't help when I feel lonely. The when he comes home he runs to the bathroom and makes me feel like dirt. I have tried to talk to him and he blows up. I have tried so many. Times that there r times I want to take his phone and smash it. But he would get a new one the next day. He tells me its all in my head, and that I am just a jealous person. And I need to get over it. I have no clue what to do I feel so down and out.. I don't even like to look at myself. I cry at night, cuz there are so many times I try to b with him and he just moans like its a job. What do I do and how can I fix our marrage?

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A female reader, Asian Wife United States +, writes (24 September 2010):

I have the same problem. We had a long distance relationship before we got married he is in military when i met him. I've waited a year to meet him and finally He came to see me and we had a great sex that you could imagine and since that day i knew that he is the one i wanna be with,and he came again to marry me with those sweet words and promises that he wont hurt me. Now im married to him in year and i found out that he is watching porn alot specially after we had a fight,at first i tried to talk to him about it and let him know that i didnt like it and im willing to watch porn with him and he dont need to hide it from me,ofcourse he denied it! and make up some excuses and trying to avoid to discuss it. I caught him again the second time on his computer, and its killing me so bad! he had hernia and he went to the doctor to fix it but they didn't fix it well, he's dealing with pain, and sometimes we cant even have sex because of pain and erection problem. And i caught him again!! i talked to him and tell him to stop watching beacuse it ruin me and my self-confidence i told him i feel like i can't give him satisfaction i feel like useless and not good in bed i feel im the reason why he can't have erection.im the one who's always asking him if he wanna make love and it shouldnt be that way i even walk naked in front of him and try to seduce him and do everything that i dont used to do just to please him and to prove him that he dont need to watch porn cuz im always there for him, i am depressed about this i feel unattractive,i feel fat, i even talk to myself in the mirror asking what's wrong with me? Im asian 5'3 in height brown skin im not that fat! i weight 119 lbs,

black hair brown eyes! im always game to make love with him and try new things! but its seems like he enjoyed more watching porn than have sex with me! i don't deserve all these pain! i love him to death! but he's hurting me so bad by doing that and he doesnt even care! he swore not watch it again! but i kept caughting him! what should i do?? im so BETRAYED! and depressed about this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2010):

My husband and I have been married for 6 years now. I first found out about his porn addiction when we had only been married a month or so. I've tried everything-making myself more pleasurable with outfits and offering to video tape our sex and making a calendar for him. I've tried putting a password on our computer at his and our counselor's advice although this really bothered me because I don't want to be his mom. I've tried taking him to counseling. I've tried to just get over it. Nothing works. The only thing that's changing is his more inventive ways of hiding it. There's two things that bother me the most. Of course, the feelings that come with it, am I ugly, what's wrong with me?, why am I not enough-why is our family not enough for him to stop. I regret saying that when I was young, before I met him, I had a meth addiction. I nearly died from it-THAT'S a powerful addiction. I stopped though, cold turkey and never turned to it again when he gave me a reason. My reason was him. Do I still want to do it? yeah sure, of course-some days more than others. Then I think of him and my two beautiful babies and it's just not worth it. I would never hurt my family like that-BETRAY them like that. Why am I not enough for him to stop? I've told him I would walk through it with him, he just had to tell me and we could beat it together. Still it happens, still I find it. Which brings me to my second thing that bothers me, probably the most. I can't handle the lies. I told him when we met there were some deal breakers for me, I told him, don't ever cheat on me, don't ever hit me, and don't ever lie to me. I've had a very rough past, my childhood has left scars so deep that I thought I couldn't ever be happy. I thought he was my knight, that he came in to rescue me and make sure I never had to hurt like that again or be alone. The lies!!!! He can look me dead in the face and just lie to me. He even sometimes make me feel guilty for not trusting him and for asking in the first place. Then I find out-EVERY TIME that I was right and that he had sat there and yelled at me and made me feel awful when all along he was just lying straight to my face. If he can do that, if he can lie to me THAT convincingly about this how am I supposed to believe anything he's said? How am I supposed to believe that he didn't cheat on me with those girls? I just don't know what to do. All I know is that he's making me feel the same way as I used to, and that's dangerous. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I want to be happy. I want to trust my husband and know he loves me without a shadow of a doubt. I want my babies to grow up in a loving, happy home. I want my husband and I want that feeling I used to have when I looked at him to come back. However, I don't see how I can possibly have all of those things anymore. I'm depressed, I'm losing weight-down to 110 now, I'm getting sick all the time. I can't keep doing this, I need to be able to believe in love again. I need someone who thinks they're lucky to have me and would do anything to keep me. ANYTHING. I want to feel beautiful again. I need most of all to be the mother my kids deserve. I can't be that when I'm devoting every once of energy into making it through this marriage. My kids didn't do anything wrong. I also don't know how I could honestly look my daughter in the eyes when she grows up and tell her not to settle, to follow her heart until she finds a love that's one in a million when I'm doing anything but that. I want my kids to believe in happy endings, and I want to believe in them too. They deserve it, and so do I.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010):

i have been married for a couple years now. but i feel like my marriage is about to end. due to my husband looking at porn. i know its sad to say this, but im so depressed because of this. i have tried talking to him, but all he does is promise he wont and then turns around and i catch him again. he does it whenever he gets the chance. on his phone, computer, tv. i have cried my eyes out begging him to stop but he says its my own insecurities that make me feel this way. so i even went to therepy. and you know what she said? she said all that im feeling is normal. porn is very unhealthy, esp in a marriage. she told me that i should bring my husband in for a couples therepy. but he refuses. so thats why im stuck. he even did this when i was pregnant! so you can imagine how that made me feel. but he doesnt care. he used to make me feel beautiful, like i was the only woman he looked at. our sex was amazing! but then he started looking at porn and when i get in bed with him, thats all i think about. i dont even care if im satisfied in bed anymore, i just want him to be pleased so he wont look at pron. i even do things i dont normally do just so he will be pleased. i have tried everything, even dressing up for him, and i even let him video tape it and me do sexy things. nothing pleases him. tahts why i think he isnt attracted to me anymore. i thought marriage was about that one person! not all these internet girls. i cant compete with an airbrushed blonde, or a kinky asain. i cant do half of the things they do, and im actually proud i cant. my therepist also told me, that 70% of the girls who are in pornos were sexually molested when they were little. so thinking about of this disguests me. i just wish my husband would open his eyes and care that all of this is hurting me! i feel ugly, fat and just depressed. but i guess if he really loved me and cared he would see how this effects me any stop. if anyone has any advice for me, please please please please feel free to help me. and dont say that i just need ot get used to it. because i have tried and there is no helping a feeling that you can get rid of.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010):

I completely understand your feelings and hurt. So many people will say, "oh its just porn, stop freaking out."

But really, not every relationship is the same. Never allow people to tell you you shouldn't feel a certain way. It definitely sounds like an addiction. Besides, if he has lied, gone out of his way to hide it, and cannot stop, he needs help. I've been doing a little research on this and most of the time an addiction like this could stem from feelings of inadequacy. Most of the time its not at all about you, how you look etc. But as a woman in your situation, I can't help but feel awful and unwanted.

He needs to want help. I wish you the best of luck.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (8 September 2010):

Miamine agony auntRee, please copy your post and send it in as a question to the front board. The aunts will be able to help you with your own situation which is different from many of the stories that are written here.

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A female reader, ree United Kingdom +, writes (8 September 2010):

me and my husband been together since we was 15years from school, were now 25.

we been sexualy active since we were 18, we wanted to wait until it was the right time, we have been very happy, we had a boy in 2007. we talked about every thing, never keep seceret fro each other. all loved up we were, until january

hes been acting very different, i first thought maybe because we just found ot that i am almost 3months pregnant with our second baby.

He stays up till very late, doesnt want to come to bed, stays in the living room or goes to the bathroom with his i phone alot, i asked him what was wrong, why he wouldnt spend time with us, he said he thinks i need to spend some alone time with our son and some alone time befor the new baby comes.

one night i woke up to see him in bed but looking at his phone, thinking its nothing, i came close to give him a cuddle and saw that he was watching porn on his phone. i got up nand he looked really suprised and said that he couldnt sleep and that it was one off and he will never do it again.

some nights i prentend i'm sleeping and watch him, he will sometime go to the bathroom, sometimes sits on the bedroom floor and just looks at his phone.

since then i check the history on his phone and almost evry night hes watching porn. A few month after he called me rachel or miss steele in his sleep, i asked him, he kept laughing and ignoring me, calling me stupid and that i am sad, i eventually had the corage google rachel steele on the laptop to find out that she is a famous porn star, i questioned him and again his answers were that he could sleep so he was watching her. it made and stil makes me cry when i think about it. i felt disgusted to be carring his child.

one day i came home from work to find him in a very angry mood. i asked what was wrong and he asid that his phone keeps switching off when hes on the internet. i felt sooo happy no more porn. i went to bed early that night i suddenly feel movement in the bed, i jumped up thing it my 3year old who must have had a nightmare, only to find him wanking over rachel steele, i ran out of the bed crying and into the kitchen and self harmed my self, he did not come after me until he had finished to ask me to give him a drink, when i asked him why he replied that i'm a baby machine, and rachel swollows and takes all the shit that comes her way, literally.

i have been self harming since and he has not even noticed. i had a baby girl in july this year, he had stopped for about a week when she was born and has started it again, this time he is sitting in our bed watching her while i am awake telling me and showing me to do this shit. i have warned him that our 4.5 year of marriage will be over if he doesnt stop. he just doest care. after 10 years together and with 2 childeren, what should i do. please help me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010):

I've been married for almost 3 monthas now, and in our first month of marriage I notice that my husband was acting wierd, like everytime I came back home from somewhere the computer was on and he was away (like he heard me parking the car and stop whatever he was doing). Then I kind of got suspicius and started looking at the internet history when he was not around, for my surprise I saw numerous pornography sites visits and I just didnt understand but never asked him about. One day we came back from a christian meeting and i went to sleep, but before that I got all pretty put a nice outfit and kissed him good night holping that he would follow me and we would end up having sex. Instead, he went to his game room and was there for some time, I could not go to sleep but I was still in bed, he came to check if I was sleeping and that was a red alert to me. he went to the leaving room where the computer is at and i follow him without him notice, I caught him looking at diffent porns at the same time and masturbating, and i was completly in shock. He "came" and he got up and I was still looking at him cause I just couldnt move. He tried to behave like nothing was wrong then I asked him if that was the reason why he never go to sleep with me, it was awful, we had a huge fight and i didnt speak to him for 2 days. He swore he will never look it again, but guees what i once in a while find?

he looked again. What hurts me the most is that we are so young and he was my first man, I never had anybody else, I have a great sexual drive, Im always up to sex. And in just the first month of marriage I had to deal with this?!!

I feel just like some of you, ugly, gross, low self-steem, depresed and paranoid. I dont think he will actually stop altough I know hes trying. I'm afraid that one day I'm gonna end up leaving him cause I don't want the rest of my life to be miserable like this 3 last months has beeing. I never thought I would go through stuff like that, specially cause we are christians n thats not suppose to happen. I love him greatly, but I dont know for how long though. he broke my heart deeply and I lost faith and trust on him, I dont know if I can deal with this, its way too painful.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010):

Hello,

I've been married for almost five years. I've always suspected my husband was watching porn but not until recently did I actually catch him in the act of masturbating several times. He laughed and thinks it is a joke. He told me he does it because I dont satisfy him, because Im too dry, Im not exciting in bed, etc... However,he doesn't realize that Im hurting inside becasue I have alot on my plate. I work full time, we have a 3 year old son and I pretty much have to try to pay all of our bills while he tried to help sometimes and sometimes he doesn't. What am I to do?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010):

I just could not stop crying as I read this. The only reason I am writing this is that I just need to say that out, at least to some one. We have been married for 3.5 years. 2 months after we got married our sexual activity just came to an end. I just could not judge why that happened. That is after 1 whole year I accidentally opened up his facebook account and realized that all. He had written ALL THAT I EXPECT FROM HIM to some one else. He had all those filthy videos linked there too. I was so so so shocked, but I was sure that this would go. but it did not. I next discovered his, yahoo account, his another facebook account, and then skype account too. I lost my daughter who was born at 7 months preterm, and I now have a felling that my husband is not worth having a daughter. We have NO sex life at all. And I want him to know that he fucked my whole life, without even realizing. I am not happy inside, and I have gotten so used to of pretending that I am happy that I have messed up my true self. Inside I do still love him, but at the same time I hate him so much that I some times want to stab him, and see him in pain.. I don't deserve this, as I am extremely honest in my relationship. when ever he is away, and I get to see his laptop unintentionally I always view the History, (which is now deleted), I cry all night as he is really cold. I fear the fact that 1 day I would end up leaving him, just because of this. I still love him, but I am sure the love is diminishing. I wish he gets to read this.. Just for once.. I have spoken to him several times about this but he has a denial approach. They day when I went into labor, that night I was away from him, and I was soo sooo soooo much obsessed with this habit of him, that I kept dreaming that he was either over some chat room or watching porn.. I think I need counseling and he needs a doctor to get him out of the addiction!! For the ones who get to read this just pray for me, as all I want is peace in my life.

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A male reader, Cerberus_Raphael United Kingdom +, writes (16 August 2010):

Cerberus_Raphael agony auntYou are all right. None of you deserve the emotional torture this has put you through. I keep reading these things I find that more and more of you are describing someone who is addicted. So find some help for his addiction. I'm sure your husband wants to stop hurting you like this. If you tell him that this is killing you inside, I'm sure he will try to find the will to stop doing whatever it is he's doing.

I hope that helps.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010):

After reading all the responses, I have a feeling you don't feel any better about the situation then I do. I have been with my husband for over 3 years and we got married 8 months ago. We have a great sex life, at least I believe we do, I'm always there for him and he fulfills my every need and I tell him so BUT he continues to sneak around with his porn. At first I caught him chatting and I asked him not to do that, he found another way through Twitter and tho I believe he is not able to have live conversations, his postings are personal and feel to me as if he thinks they are. I don't know what to do....I can't live this way, I moved myself and children across the states to be with him, leaving family and friends behind to start a life with him. His new attempt to deceive me through Twitter has made me so depressed. I have actually sought out counseling to do with my feelings and try to be OK with the whole thing because I love him so much. But recently I figured out who he was on Twitter and a few of his comments to one of the porns bitches was very hurtful...he thinks of her when we're together...I can't get that out of my head now. I'm not sleeping, have lost weight and am truly in depression. I was in a bad marriage for 26 years and pretended everything was okay for long time...I guess I will have to do that again because I don't think it's going to change and I'm in no position to leave him financially, nor do I want to - it will break my heart and soul. I'm hoping that someone out there that reads this will have an answer/solution for all of us that suffer from this. I am not crazy, it's not right, I'm a wonderful loving wife and I don't deserve this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010):

I'm sorry to read that most of the women on here feel ugly or fat when they catch their significant other watching porn. I feel unappreciated when I see the 'youporn.com' in the browser history, but I still know that my husband loves me very much and still cant keep his hands off of me. I would rather he just fantasize about different women than actually cheat. Watching porn is NOT cheating. There is nothing emotional attached to it. (Or physical for that matter!!)

I am a hypocrite if I say i have never fantasized about someone else while having sex with my husband, or when using my vibrator. It's the same thing and I think you should cut him a little slack. I at least let my hubby jerk it in the shower in the mornings. You're beautiful, all of you, don't think for one second that you're man doesn't want you. He DOES. :)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010):

I am sorry to hear about your pain and suffering because of a man's lack of control over his lust for women. Please read what I have to say and then judge, some of the things stated may at first seem biased but I mean no disrespect, I only seek to spread an understanding, that all of you may find the answer to this growing epidemic of testosterone-fueled madness.

Whether your husband admits it or not, his problem with pornography is what it is, an addiction so you must treat it as such. He will not surrender his lust so easily, he will make promises and have every intention of keeping it but he will fail. Just as an addict would fail at resisting his/her craving for drugs. If your husband is a good man, he will try and try hard but if left alone, he will almost surely fail. It may seem drastic but you must not give him the time to do it, you are his wife so be there for him so he may overcome this and in return, he should be there for you too. It is important that you do not give in to your pain or sadness, when his addiction leaves, so to will your suffering. You may try to use his drive to your advantage, go for walks together, make him see you again as he did when you first fell in love. Lust is not an eternal drive, it will not last forever. Make him see another side of sex, the more sensual, romantic side of it and slowly things may change.

I see many of the women affected by this start hating themselves but this is not because of you. Every single one of you is a perfect woman, clearly devoted, clearly loving and therefore, deeply wounded by his unnatural want for a voyeuristic satisfaction. People will tell you that masturbation is natural and even healthy! Masturbation is natural, it CAN be healthy but when done to pornography, it is truly a thing to be feared. Pornography is not natural, there is nothing beautiful about it. All of it is visceral, carnal and tragic. Your husband may make any number of excuses for himself, he may tell you that it is normal, simply because the whole world's populace of men do it, does not make it right, it does not justify the malevolence of it. Look upon the pain it has wrought upon wives, sometimes even entire families, there is nothing healthy about it.

You must remember that each one of you is more beautiful than any female form in a pornographic video in one way or another. Most of you in your relationships are like monkeys on a tree. Your mate has fallen and he will try to grasp you, do not let him pull you down, instead, take his hand and pull him up. You must be the stronger one.

I hope I have given some of you some sort of assistance with your pain. Good luck in your marriage.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010):

i have been married to my husband for 4 yrs now and i recently found out that for the past 3 yrs he has been watching porn online and behind my back, i trusted him and he always said how he couldn't understand why men did that and how it was a bad thing and the whole time he was lying to me and doing it himself. i have no trust left for him and i feel very ugly and fat and gross and i feel like i have to give it up everyday now just so he doesnt go cheat. i threw out all the computers in the house except mine which has 3 passwords on it so he cant use it. i dont know if i can get past what he has done and if i can ever trust him again. i feel like when the time is right i will just leave him and explain to him that he broke the trust that i thought we had a real marriage with love and trust but we didnt and we dont. he says it has nothing to do with me and that he wants me but those girls are so perfect and look nothing like me so if he wants me than why would he be looking at them for hours on end and leave me laying in bed alone? it does have to do with me, it has everything to do with me!! im the one who is hurt and betrayed and left to feel worthless and gross looking. he just gets to go on with his life and on top of all of it still gets to have sex and i have to put up with it because if i just cut him off who knows what girl he will go find. im glad to find out im not the only one feeling this horrible and hurt. i wish that guys would understand that they are hurting us so deeply. my advise to you is what i am going to do. save your money and prepare to leave him. you are worth more and deserve more than a lie for a marriage.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010):

i cried reading your story only because i can relate so much. i've been depressed lately too. im strongly thinking about the option of plastic surgery to see i can somewhat look like those women he watches. he says he loves my body. but all those women look nothing like me. i feel like im drowing and i dont know what to do. hopefully everything works out for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010):

I dont have an answer to that. Im having the same problem. We have been married for only 2yrs and im pregnant with our second child and i've asked my husband to stop it and he will always say ok that he dont mean to upset me but he still does it! its bothers me bad, Makes me feel not good enough like im not meeting his needs or something and i always give freely to him. So I would like to know why too?

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A female reader, PH_Wife Philippines +, writes (29 July 2010):

I am in the same situation. My husband is watching A LOT of porn, usually from midnight till the wee hours of the morning when i am asleep. I am able to see the websites he visited through our browser's history. We just got married - we're only married for 7 months! I've caught him before and confronted him, he totally denied it. But repeated watching porn again and again. Behind my back. I am currently pregnant with our first child and sex hasn't been good lately. Sex feels so uncomfortable since i got pregnant but i keep on submitting to him because i am afraid of not satisfying his needs. I caught him masturbating to porn a few weeks ago and saw him 'come'. Our past two attempts at sex, he hasn't climaxed and i guess that's the breaking point for me, i couldn't even make my husband come! I became so depressed and we got into a big fight last Sunday. He promised he won't view porn again but just this morning, i checked our browser's history and - surprise surprise, he has been watching porn AGAIN since Tuesday night. I feel so betrayed, so unattractive, so useless, so depressed, so heartbroke, so damaged. I never thought he could hurt me that way.

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A female reader, 123annoymous Germany +, writes (26 July 2010):

We've been married 3.5years and its a subject that always comes up. At first it wasn't really bad basically because I trusted him and felt no need to snoop around or question him about anything. I didn't know anything until the day he confessed that he had a problem with porn and that he has lied to me about other things. Yes I forgave him and tried to give him some advice on how to get over it. My mistake was, although I forgave him I shut him out completely because of my anger. He came to me with his problem because he needed help and instead of helping him I treated him like he is a criminal of some sought. I guess what made it all worse was how I reacted to all of this. His lies increased, the secrecy became worse and the porn viewing non stop. Before he would say sorry when confronted...now he just denies everything. Once he told me he'd rather see porn coz I talk too much, that meaning, I'm always on his back ready to accusse him. I think he feels like he could never do anything right, so why bother trying. Now he gets upset every time I bring up the subject of his constant porn viewing. The more I get upset with him or confront him the worse it gets. When I don't confront him everything is fine at home. But when I do, he becomes so distant and that is unlike him. Now I've regretted the way I handled the situation, I felt like that I've made it worse. He came to me for help because he trusted me and I in turn made him feel worse about himself. Now I don't know how to make him love me again...I'm trying to accept the fact that this is something that I have to face...coz divorce for me is out of the question unless he wants it or there's an affair...I love him with all my heart. Until that happens right now, I've accepted things as they are, tried to find other ways of coping (improving my looks, my attitude toward him, convincing myself that porn is ok, and still respect him as the man of the house) and just praying for a miracle that someway somehow he'll come out of it. So it depends, if your husband come to you about their problem think very carefully of how you react....coz your reaction can either push them further away or make them more open to you about their problem. For me, I feel like I'm at the end of the ropes and just waiting to see what happens. Yes, its depressing and tiring but I still have a home to run and a 2 year old son to look after. I'll do everything I can to save this marriage and if it doesn't work out in the end....at least I tried.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010):

I feel so pleased that i found this sight and now realise I am not alone with this. I found my husband looking at porn sights about 3 years ago (we have been together for 21 years married for 17)I felt absolutly devastated and we have been arguing about this ever since, he then promised that he had deleted it all "yeah right of course he did" anyway I came home the other day and he was blushing so much which made me realise he was up to no good AGAIN,i then went onto his history and he had forgotten to press his saftey button to which i found yet another porn sight, i couldn't open it as somehow he's done something so that whoever clicks on it can't open it, so i typed it in on my own laptop and yes my suspicions was right it was porn! Strangely though i did not feel annoyed or upset by this, as i realised this isn't going to stop, what i'm more upset about is the lies and the fact he's been making me feel as if i have been going out of my mind, that's all he's ever said is that i'm paranoid and crazy, so it was a kind of relief when i found this, as i now know I am NOT going out of my mind. He is normally a very caring husband and i do not need or want for anything and our sex life has always been really good, even better these days since our children are grown up,(one has left home and the other is out most of the time)or it could be the porn. He has always been there for me no matter what,so now i feel as if i have turned a corner in my relationship as I am not prepared to give up everything for the sake of a few skanky women that my husband wishes to view. Now hopefully we can move on, so what if he's going on these sights if i can have the benefits of them then so be it, as i have quite a high sex drive myself..although i do worry if he is having any contact with these girls cause then that is cheating and if i ever found out that he has done this our marriage would be over, looking at photo's and video's is one thing but chatting or even meeting up is another thing, and as he is a photographer he has such easy access to women, since it's more women who want photo's than men. Anyway ladies let's not let our men do this to us anymore they're just saddo's bless them! I am now going to look forward and not worry about him anymore I'm going to concentrate on ME and me only! Good luck girls you will turn that corner one day. xxx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010):

i have the same problem and it's ruining my life. i don't know what to do either and i'm sorry you're going through it. it is devastating.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2010):

I have been married for over 15 yrs and my husband is still struggling with pornography. I don't know what to do. He's been going to a christian counselor for 5 months but it seems to me that he's more involved in pornography. He's constantly lying to me even though I know he's still involved with that disgusting material. He has saved tons and tons of pictures in his personal computer and other drives. I need help and advise...I feel that I have to walk out of this relationship and I'm very, very scared. My husband has become very aggresive...and I can't bring the subject of "pornography" in our discussion.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010):

I have to say i allow my man to watch a particular porn star. I would be upset if i were say in the other room and he was doing it. that is something you may need to question with him. As far as male needs. Honestly, i do not feel that it is bad if a man is watching once in awhile. especially if you are not around. men when they are you know same as woman you "take care of yourself" i would lie to all woman and i am one if i were to say i didnt think about a hot singer or actor once in awhile when i take care of myself and honestly anytime i have taken care of myself i have never thought of my partners. i think it is a fantasy for them and as for you. the real line of respect is why is he hiding it and honeslty why is he doing it every single night also what i am more concerned about is the fact you have watched it with him. why would he hide it? that to me is wierd most men love if a woman watches it it beats having to do the work yourself. I am 27 maybe i do not know much about marriage yet and i am not married. if he really is a great man, father etc. if your sex life is great, he isnt cheating. maybe he is just embarassed about it. also depending on his age. maybe men can answer this. men get really horny especially in their 30's. some men want to keep up the stamina and learn new stuff etc for the bedroom. i know my man did lol. i see it in the computer i laugh some i have watched them by myself. i won't lie to see what particulary maybe i should try or even want him to try.

hun, i would get to the details of why is lying and hiding it. there maybe more there than you think. just ask him do not go off the handle, break computers threaten him. remember communication is key you want him to open up to you and be honest.

this is my oppinion. i apologize if many do not agree. you know your husband the best. i hope you guys do work it out. i really do. xoxo

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010):

Sociologists predicted that the internet would mean the dawn of a new era, but I'm not sure that they they were really talking about porn. It is driving a gap between men and women and we're certainly not as equal in terms of relationships as we thought we were.

Our marriage is in tatters and sadest of all it's our children who will suffer.

He seems to think it's acceptable, maybe it's because he thinks everyone's at it.

Sometimes I feel like smashing the computer into a milllion tiny pieces and never using the internet again.

I don't think I'll ever see men the same way again.

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A female reader, vay United States +, writes (30 June 2010):

OMG! I have the same problem. My husband doesn't think I know about his continuous porn watching. My sexual appetite is very high, especially when I'm totally committed to someone. I dont understand it myself... He"s never said he wouldn't do it again but he knows i want it to stop! Ive caught him several times most of the time he'd deny it.. but I have been tracking the history he deleted off the computer. I didnt sign up to be a private investigator and though i love him hes made me feel disgusting.. I hope all the best.. And im sorry this is happening to you too..

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A female reader, Loft United States +, writes (19 April 2010):

I am sorry but I am looking for help too..I just found out that my husband is watching porn and I don’t know how to feel or how to react to that. We have been married for 13 years and we have great and healthy sex life. I admit that I feel a bit cheated on simply because we are very close and open with each other and this is something my husband never brought up. When I asked him why he did it, he said that he thinks that it is perfectly normal and that everybody does it. He then kept reassuring me that he loves only me and that I am the only one he needs and wants. But I keep thinking and asking why? Also, I feel very disappointed in myself because everything I believed to know about my husband sims to be wrong. Am I crazy to be thinking like this? I used to think that I trust him enough and that he would never hurt me by cheating. What am I supposed to think now? If he is not the cheating type then why would he be enjoying porn and wanting to watch it. What still gets me is that he thinks it’s not a big deal and yet if I did it behind his back he would be furious. I know this because he admitted it to me. Why is it always that men have privileges when it comes to all the things that they do but is so wrong when a woman does it? If it's not a big deal then how come it hurts me so much. I love him so much and he is my whole world. Why is he wanting to watch porn? Does he expect me to pick up the pieces of my shattered ego and continue to be the same loving wife who trusted him 100 %? How can I be the same person if I am beginning to think that I am less desirable for my husband? Can I ever overcome my thoughts of mistrust?

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A female reader, crica United States +, writes (12 April 2010):

ok folks, why the hell are people upset if a partner 'has sex' with other people to get off while in an exclusive relationship, but no one is supposed to be upset if a partner 'watches sex' of other people to get off while in an exclusive relationship???

Well??

Answer that and then we will have a real debate, conversation, discussion, informative two way street, whatever the heck you want to call it.

But if you do not want your partner to 'get off' to a real person outside the relationship, why the heck are you ok with 'getting off' to the images of a real person outside the relationship??????

I do not get this AT ALL!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010):

I have a lot of experience watching porn and being told not to. We watch porn to aid masturbation and because of the thrill of doing something new and dangerous.

I generally prefer animated porn, because it's much prettier than any woman can be. And I think seeing the most horrific thing you could possibly imagine is cute and funny.

Therefore, the only thing that makes real women more attractive is the relationship.

I assume you girls hate porn because you want more time with your hubby. my first advice is to stop yelling at him and accept him. this can make your relationship less scary and stressful, thus making you much more attractive, while decreasing the rollercoaster effect he gets watching porn behind your back.

even hearing you guys vent like this makes me scared of getting a girlfriend

and to the dumbass husbands...get firefox...come on...lol

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2010):

together for 10 years married for 2 just had a baby and always had the same problems. i cant come to terms with him watching porn sneaking watching late night channels and takin mags to the toilet. i dont question if im good enough i no im not!!!! he would sooner be infront of the tv while im in bed than be with me ????

ive given up i have a sexless married and a waste of a life. he has made me feel worthless unloved and worst of all i spned the best part of my life trying to catch him out??? not that it makes me feel any better!!!!!!

just face it women can never do enough man will always go get it somewhere and we are always going to be the ones sat feeling unloved, ugly & worthless.

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A female reader, naughty girl United Kingdom +, writes (24 March 2010):

This is a message to people who are quoting byron katie and twisting her words to make these women feel as if they should stay in such relationships. I also love byron katie and have read all her books -many times. I used to be married to a porn addict and byron katies teachings helped me to leave and find peace and happiness. I started by completley accepting the situation. I was married to a man who loved to masterbate over images of pretty ladies on a computer screen. I was also married to a man who didn't want a sexual relationship with me. I was married to a man who got much more pleasure from porn than from me. I was a woman who wanted to have sex as part of a loving relationship. As byron katie would say 'when you argue with reality it will hurt you'.I accepted these facts without any negativity or judgements. I left him with love, care and understanding. We have children together so still keep in touch. Our relationship is now better than ever. No more silly arguments about porn, no more making him feel bad for not wanting to have sex with me.He is awounderful father and has many positive character traits. I still love him but now its from a different perspective. I remarried and havn't encountered the same proublems with new husband. I do belive in the law of attraction and think that becuase I had changed my thinking I attracted a very different type of man second time around. I believe that when I married husband number one there was something in me that unconcouisly drew that experience to me. It strikes me as odd that many of these women stay for so long if not forever. Maybe deep deep deep down you want to feel angry, superior and a victim.

Or maybe you don't actually want sex so have ended with a man who c

an't give you regular sensual and caring sex.I think the reason why I ended with husband number one was because I unconcously wanted to be angry and superior. When I stopped wanting this I left. I would recommend all you ladies read byron katies book they give an alternative perpective that will lead to peace and happiness.

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A female reader, eu4ia365 United States +, writes (23 March 2010):

I keep reading more and more posts and I am bothered by the fact that people keep saying that the porn watching has nothing to do with the partner. But yes it does if it is HURTING the partner. Women try so hard to join in, make jokes about it, force themselves not to care because someone has told them "its normal" "its healthy" well why does every post I read say otherwise for how the women feel? If the men are not selfish, then why not try to make a change to keep your marriage family together? We do it all the time as women. It makes us feel jealous, insecure, cheated on, worthless, nosy, hurt, betrayed. Is there some reason why if so many women are feeling this way it can't be "normal" to be hurt by it? I think it is an excuse and a cop out for every selfish man out there who just wants to tell his wife/sig other that she is "nutz" so they can keep doing it. Women is there an act or habit or ANYTHING that you would not quit if you knew how badly it hurt your husband no matter what it was???? Then why can't we expect the same.

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A female reader, eu4ia365 United States +, writes (23 March 2010):

This annonymous "male reader" is ridiculous! Stop posting over and over. Go watch some porn you freak!

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A female reader, eu4ia365 United States +, writes (23 March 2010):

I too have the same problem....a little different. My husband and I have been together for 3 years. Normal sex life or so I thought. I was working 2 jobs. A full time 9-5 and then some and also a bar job 8pm to 4 on Fri and Sat. I guess I hadn't really noticed that sex was only happnening about once a week and we were having an argument about something and he walks over to the chair I am sitting in and says, "You need to take care of your man. I'm tired of effing jacking off in the bathroom with mylaptop to porn." Unbelievable, I am working 7 days a week, cooking your freakin dinner every night, cleaning house and raising a child and you are pissed cause you aren't getting laid enough? I was hurt, betrayed, angry, repulsed, turned off. He always told me he was checking his email and reading the news before and it never even crossed my mind he was masterbating to porn. I blamed myself and he blamed me. He said, "I do this because you dont' give me enough sex." I hated him. I never wanted to sleep with him after that and things got worse. He stayed in the bathroom with the computer and I lay in bed at night and cry. Hating him more and more desiring him less and less. Then I started forcing myself to give him sex even when I didn't really want to (and I still do it) and I felt like a dirty whore and I began to hate myself. I fell into a deep depression over this. Fights and more fights. I even contemplated suicide. I felt worthless but at the same time like I wasn't going to be told how many times a week I should be giving ANYONE SEX!!! He says to me, "I'm not saying I am going to cheat on you but one day there is going to be some fine ass chick who wants to throw it on me, and since you don't give me any, you are going to make my decision real hard for me." He may as well have hit me in the face with a baseball bat....it would have hurt a little less. Then I was lost. I didn't know if I was having sex with him because I wanted to or because he told me I "should" be. I hated sex and I hated that GD computer. He would masterbate several times a week (that I knew of) or more and would tell me I was a "wierdo" because it bothered me and that all guys do it if they dont' get sex and that's the way it is. He is military puts our livelyhood at risk by taking porn on deployments which is forbidden and punishable by possible discharge from the military if he is caught with it. And says "my boss was watching my porn on my thumbdrive so whatever." I just recently had our first child (my 2nd) and had gained 45lbs. He was deployed for most of the preg and came home when she was 4 weeks old. Terrified I started to offer him sex at 5 weeks (dr said to wait 6 and take it "slow from there). Well we had to be gentle and after a couple of times (I gave him unlimited access to me) I would catch him masterbating to porn AGAIN!!! So I confront him and he has the nerve to say to me, "Well, you're all sore down there and I have to be gentle and I can't get off like that so I just take care of it myself." He has also told me that he does it cause it is not always convenient for us to have sex because of conflicting schedules. He says he HAS TO DO IT or he'll be thinking of sex all day and get hard at work. He works with a bunch of dudes and this is puzzling to me. He tells me I am a nosy b&^ch if I catch him or know that he has done it. He has been very honest about the fact that he looks at porn and masterbates. Well he has been complaining that he hasn't had time to study for his next rank so Fri nightI took our older son out to eat and to a movie so he could stay with our 3 month old daughter and study. I also promised him sex friday night as well. Well by the time I got out of the bath at 10:00 he is passed out and I try to joke with him about it and he says he's sorry he is just really tired. I look on his computer history Sunday (he always keeps it on lock down) and while he was supposed to be studying and watching our baby, he had watched 12 porn videos and I saw links to sites for 'adult hookups' and xxx.match.com that advertised "Get hot sex tonight in your city". I also found a link to a site that was for live webcams of these freakin ho's. I was disgusted. He was very defensive saying baby was sleeping and he only spent 10 minutes masterbating and she was sleeping. How freakin perverse. I confronted him about the fact I promised him sex and he said "You're never a sure thing, I just needed some insurance." I hate this SOB and I have had 3 years of this and I am leaving if he does not stop. Problem is that he doesn't believe he has a problem, says it's me. He lies about it. He says those hook up sites were just pop ups and he never did anything but look at porn to masterbate. He leaves for work early and comes home late, not really late but often an hour or so and now my head is going nutz and I am wondering if he has met up with some of these girls or pulls over with his computer to jack off before he gets home. This has ruined my marriage. Something was said about me being 15lbs heavier than I was before (my baby is 3 months old) and he says to me, "You have had time to get back in shape, you just choose not to." Men have no empathy for the pregnant/post pardum woman. The sad thing is that I am starting to believe it is me, I feel dirty but I am not the one doing it. I can't stand to look at my naked body in the mirror cause I look nothing like the porn girls and I am intimidated cause I dont' behave in the bedroom like a porn star and if that is what "gets him off" then no wonder he would rather watch it. If all men are like this then I don't like them and as a woman I am disgusted because I can control my sexual impulses and WAIT, why can't they??

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2010):

Wow, can I relate here. About a a year & a half ago I found porn files on our computer. At first I was shocked just because of the deceptive behavior. Then, I thought hey we could have fun with this. I mean my husband & I have been together for 17 years. We've watched our share of porn together, we have a very active sex life 4-6 times a week - we like to spice things up. But when I bring up I found files he first denies it & then gets super pissed & a big blow up fight & he doesn't need a babysitter & I'm spying blah blah... I just wanted him to share. Is that not the main thing with marriage? Sharing your whole life. That thing so private, personal and intimate that you only share with only one person in the whole world? Well, long story short he kept going there, kept denying it. And it has really been tearing our marriage up. Maybe if he would have been honest then I wouldn't have ended up feeling betrayed. It's the sneeking behind my back & lying to my face about it that ended up making me feel like total crap. Like something is wrong with me & our marriage. I think all that kind of stuff can be fun sometimes only if you are sharing it. More than once he says he didn't mean to offed me or hurt my feelings he won't do it again. A week or two later - right back at it. So, yea then there is a trust issue. Cos I know he will lie right to my face & do whatever he wants if he thinks I won't find out. Forget honesty he will just say what he thinks I want to hear. And then I'm suppose to believe that this is the only thing he has lied about?? Then he gets mad that I question him & act like I don't trust him??? Maybe if we could talk I could understand? I don't know cos all I get is a pissed attitude from him about it, a big blow up fight that won't stop until we Just Drop It! So any fun there might have been there has completely been sucked out. And there is no fun in having your husband look for some other girl to turn him on. He says he isn't doing anything wrong. Well, then why lie? Why deny it? Because he knows damn well that it's selfish and not healthy for our marriage! And then I have to reason that if there is nothing wrong with it then he would not have a problem if I put pictures or video of myself on there right? Or our teenage daughter put pictures on there right? Nothing wrong with it. So, men our visual. Women want romance. I mean if I was watching porn without him he would probably think it's hot - cos that is what he likes. But how would he feel if I went online looking for romance? Because that's what I like! If he can look for porn - I can look for romance. It's all fair right? Nothing wrong with it. Yea right

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010):

i have to say i have never met anyone who can say it like you did i too have this problem soo funny because i too also did the vhs thing noticed the remote moved vcr on everything the same, apologies,promises,lies, its not over and it may never be i have been with my man 10 years we have 3 children together! i too feel i still look damn good but feel hes too busy watchin porn to react, and i also cannot come to terms with it i also feel like you do rotten terrible worthless hurt unattractive and becuase to them its jus porn they think thats how it should feel to us but it dont! i also watched big dicks right in front of him when i caught him watchin porn he freaked out.i too love my man dearly but its taking away soo much from us it is hurting you becausae its not jus a once in a while thing its all the time and its pathetic he has to get it in everyday? but dont wanna have sex sneakin to make sure they can do it,its selfish n the more u say no they more he will, so stop. thats what ive done n now im kinda jus doin me turnin away im lovin him bein nice but gettin my mind back to where it should be some confidence some happiness n life n stop focusing on it im waiting to see if this changes anything its adifferent approach if not it comes down to accept it or leave or compromise if u can and thats where my problem lies can i keep doin this???

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A female reader, blaccurrent Australia +, writes (13 March 2010):

i too am having a similar problem.i just recently caught my husband one night.he had taken so long to come to bed for three nights in a row.i thought he was just reading but on the 4th night i got up to see wht was up and found him with his pants down his legs.i got suspicious and checked the history on the computer and found that hed been watching all kinds of porn.i cannot describe adequately how i felt, it was no different if he had cheated with another woman

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A female reader, Lunabella United States +, writes (11 March 2010):

Lunabella agony auntThe key here for most women is this:

We feel slighted. We feel bamboozled. We feel mislead.

We were lead to believe that the man we were making a commitment to was going to emotionally FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT US THAT WE FEEL TOWARDS THEM.

Most women do not feel an attraction to other men, feel a need to sexually satisfy themselves with fantasy or feel the urge to entertain themselves with sexually arousing images of people whom they are NOT in love with. When women discover that they are not getting the same type of love that they give in return it hurts right down to the very core of our beings. We stand there in disbelief wondering, "Did I make a mistake? Do I love this person more than he loves me?" Ouch.

My husband told me that he loves chocolate and just because he got married to me doesn't mean he doesn't like chocolate anymore. I CAN make him stop eating it, but he will still desire it and enjoy it. Men are always going to love sex period, whether it has to do with someone they love or not. Sex feels good no matter what and you can't change that in most men. Why do you think prostitution is so popular with men? It is simply about getting off without the burden of having to "make love." Yes, it may seem selfish, which is the very reason why men might hide their porn viewing. They don't want to reveal that they are selfish.

My husband wanted to know if I would have married him if I had known all about his interests before we got married. He nearly cried when I told him no. I couldn't think at the time, but the truth is that I should have said, "Any healthy person would not choose a relationship where they love the person 100% and gets less in return. That isn't fair that the woman gets the short end of the stick." It is difficult to respect a man who lies to you and tries to get you to believe that he is not interested in porn. My husband tells me he loves me 100% and tells me that I just don't understand that his viewing is out of boredom. We women deserve so much better than that! Be brave and stick up for yourself.

Tell your man, "I DESERVE better than that. I deserve the same respect FROM you that I lovingly give to you. You want and desire porn and sexual stimulation and I desire an honest man that I can trust and respect. You are getting what you want and I am NOT getting what I want. That isn't fair. That is NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR."

The answer is to ultimately change yourself. You can't change them nor would you want to. Work on your own self-esteem and enjoy yourself. Take a belly dance class, get a new hobby, meet new people go out with the girls and keep thinking, "I deserve better, I AM worth it!"

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010):

I am so relieved that other people have this problem! I have been with my fiance for 3.5 years. He looks at porn on his phone constantly and saves the pictures to look at them later.He lies about this all the time. I have a high sex drive and I wouldn't say I'm hard on the eyes. I'm 5'3" 105lbs and people say I have a pretty face. I do everything I can to make sure he doesn't get bored with our sex life. I guess I feel like nothing I do is good enough for him and he will never find me attractive simply bc I dont look like the girls on the porn he watches.It's rough on me and it really depresses me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010):

Your not wrong in expecting your husband desire and want only you and sadly you are not the only wife with this dilema.

You are not the one with the problem or issue ,he is. It maybe possible that he has a deep sense of failure,low self -esteem and self worth. He may show signs of helplessness and hopelessness and this is the only activity that gives him some kind of escapism ,even a taste of power in a created world in his domain.

Dont feel you need to be a wife slut to keep him interested,it wont work.

He needs help with some deeper problems he may be going through and just uses porn as a pain killer.

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A male reader, Nasa United Kingdom +, writes (9 February 2010):

It must be tough for all you ladies out there whose husbands are watching porn. It seems that many of you believe that your partners are the cause of your suffering.

Perhaps you are right but remember as long as you think like this you will ALWAYS be the victim. You will be at the mercy of your partners actions. However, this situation has given you an opportunity to change your life and it can be a blessing in disguise.

What you see in your partner is also in you. It cannot be any other way. You see your partner in a negative light because that is what is inside you, negativity.

This applies to men and women and is not just related to porn.

I understand because I have had similar thoughts about my partner and some of her actions. However, I have now realized that I cannot change her. I can only change myself. When I try to accept my wife for the person she is and to love her no matter what then she becomes a different person. I now am at the point were I realize that if I can do this then my life will change. Small steps though.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010):

There's no point in trying to appeal to his better nature - it's just not there anymore and I don't just mean about your husband, I'm talking about all of them. The transformation of men over the last 15 years has been disgusting and unfortunately for me, I remember a time in my late teens and early 20s where porn was never an issue since it wasn't mainstream and readily available 24/7.

My boyfriend of 10 years wants to marry me, badly. He can absolutely forget about it because there is no way in holy hell will I stand there and have him babble the "forsaking all others" crap to me in this so-called kind of contract. I've been up, down, around and around and back again on this. The statistics are porn 90% me 10%, unless were on holiday away from the adsl and cable and suddenly I'm really interesting again.

It sucks. He wastes my life, yes MY LIFE on that shit. I'm not interested in the pathetic excuses of it's normal, healthy blah blah. 15 years of something blasting onto the scene for 50% of the human population is not NORMAL! I've given him up to porn now he can have it, he honestly should consider marrying his laptop. I have a stand-in boyfriend now, to fill in what he doesn't do, it's a compromise, it works and I feel so much better which is very important. He doesn't like it but it's tough since he created the problem. In fact it's the best way I have found to deal with this porn problem.

Other than the tossy non existant sex life between us, we get on fine. There's no point in dumping him for "someone who really appreciates me" bollocks, because they're all at it, so it renders that as a completely worthless sentiment.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010):

You know i am trying to understand why my husband of 16 years does the same thing .I am more than willing to have sex with him any time and any where i even have anal sex with him because thats what he wants but its still not enough for him apparently.If he is out in the garage i walk in there and he hurrys and turns the porn off if he is in the house by himself and i come home its on the tv i have even woke up to seeing him sleep in the living room with it on and now we have a pc he watches all the time and i have found so many sites he has joined to watch live video.And here is the kicker i broke into his e-mail and found him writing to women and asking for naked pics of her to me he is cheating and im having a hard time excepting it.I told him this was the final straw im not playing these games any more he was to stop or im gone.Im not the skinny porn looking girls but im not the worlds biggest eather and i think im sexy but he is lowering myself esteem so low that i dont know if i can leave him because im scared no one else would want me if someone i have been with for so many years dont.And i think im a lot better looking then he will ever get any where lse because he now is 46 years old teeth are falling out and so is his hair so if he thinks he can get one of these sluts on the porn he has another thing comming.I have no idea what im going to do but im tired o crying and tired of not being able to trust him.

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A male reader, Nasa United Kingdom +, writes (26 January 2010):

Lienmari,

The only person you can change is yourself.

If you leave your husband then it's highly likely that you will come across another man who does the same. Remember, its not the event but your thoughts about the event that are the problem. If you understand this then you will love your husband for who he is and you will accept him totally.

If you cannot do this then its because you cannot accept yourself. When you love and accept yourself you will feel the same for others.

However, it is very difficult being in your situation because as far as you are concerned he is to blame for your suffering and your pain. He watches porn and you suffer because of it.

I hope you find a way out of your suffering.

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A female reader, lienmari Philippines +, writes (21 January 2010):

As in right now, i'm so depressed too because my husband does it also but a little more subtle. yes may be it's all about acceptance but honestly speaking, we women...wives do have also the power to do the same thing but once we are married, we already commit our whole life even our soul to that married life and our children...actually, i wonder what my husband will do if i will do it also...how will he react? it makes me feel i'm good for nothing...that i'm not enough for him...it hurts me a lot... to the extent of leaving him...though i also tried to understand him but i just can't...i just can't accept it... i don't really understand why we wives knows how to control it and you don't!!!! it is so insulting and disrespectful...why do you marry me any? just for the sake that you want to get married when you reached that certain age you wanted/planned? do you really loved me? do you still love me? if yes then why can't you just be focus on me alone just like my focus on you? i just wish he will read this..and know who really am...writing this...his wife! i cannot speak out to him fully because he will throw it back at me while getting mad...but if he will really continue this activity? without a second thought, i will definitely leave him because i cannot live a life like this...'till i reach my limit.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010):

Ladies I am sorry for your pain and I do understand that it is hard. I know some of you ladies have good intentions by saying that it's "not a big deal" but it is. It is not normal even if 99.9% of men are doing it. The bible says that if a man looks at woman in lust he has already commited adultery in his heart with her. Your man should be yours and yours alone. He is your beloved and his desire should be for you and you only. Watching porn with him doesn't make it any better either. You should keep your relationship pure. Ask the Lord to come into your relationship and get some counseling. Even then it will not be easy because it's like any other addiction. It's difficult to heal from on both sides. I am attaching an article to encourage you ladies, it helped me to put things into perspective.

http://www.kyria.com/topics/marriagefamily/marriage/helphealing/11.74.html

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010):

I believe in the following "We are disturbed not by what happens to us, but by our thoughts about what happens".

Your suffering is not by caused by your husband watching porn but by your thoughts about him doing it. Most people (including myself) cannot understand or control our thoughts. As a result, an event such as your husband watching porn is magnified by your strength, quality and frequency of thoughts about it.

Understand this not just intellectually but practically then you will be able to accept reality. Once you do this then you will change and once you do your husband will change also. He will begin to love you.

However, when you go against what is then you will continue to suffer. What you resist persists. It is the law of nature and it applies to all things.

Please read 'Loving what is' by Byron Katie. This might help you.

Good luck,

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010):

I have been married for almost a year now my husband is in the military and i recently noticed that my husband has been watching porn ever since we got a lap top. IT started off by pictures of women in bikinis or thongs in his phone . When i saw it i confronted him calmly and he said he was obsessed with perfection. As our relationship progressed i started sending him pictures since i only saw him on weekend coming off post, and the pics of other women stopped.All was well until we moved.Every where we went he would look at peoples butts, sometimes even stare, when i told him he said he wasnt and eventually got a bad temper and saying i always accused him so i just never mentioned it again.Then when we finally got a lap top he started watching porn, when i noticed i confronted him and he denied it. It proceeded but i don't understand why, i mean he's always been my main focus,and i give him all the love and attention imagined, our sex life is great and even now im 7 1/2 months pregnant but my sex drive is still at its highest but he still takes the laptop to the restroon and is in there for about an hour.Its hard and has me very depressed how can i get through it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010):

Well i think it is like a slap in the face! This to me is the same thing as cheating on your wife. We don't sneek around behind our husbands backs and play with our selfs, I mean there are women who do it don't get me wrong, but I bet money the women that have posted a comment on this sit or any other sit about there husbands jacking off to porn don't. Any ways back to what i was saying I have been married for about six months and before we were married he was doing it. I told him i would not marry him if he did not stop watching porn so... he stopped for about two weeks and started it again. We are married but our lives would be so much easyer if he would just stop. To me it is so disrespectful. HELLO IF YOU HAVE THE WANT TO WHY NOT GO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010):

My husband and I have had this problem for years and he has promised to stop over and over. It stops for a while and our intimate relationship gets better then that stops again after awhile. This past week he was home from work sick a couple days, I was home at the time as well. He was playing video games most of the time or resting so no big deal right? Now a a few days later I am going to try and find the $10-12.00 difference in my checkbook balance and I find a website for using a CC online. It allows you to search transactions via CC# if you don't have a user name or PW so I did. What did I find? A $12.00 charge for a porn website. Here is the best part which all makes sense now b.c he is trying to hide this from me, yesterday I tried logging into our online bank account to check stuff and the password is different, today the same with his personal PC which he promises I would always have access to b.c he "trusts" me. When I looked at my paper where we write down expenses he has a $20.00 for gas but yet there is no $20.00 charge at a gas station anywhere on our account. The final kicker is that he paid for the porn website while I was making him a super nice dinner b.c he was sick.

I don't know what to do anymore, he is not home right now but I know where he is b.c a few of my other friends are also there. I told him he needs to come straight home and we need to talk. I also told him I am on my last straw and he knows exactly what I'm talking about to which he asks b.c he says he has no idea. I am so hurt and frustrated but I don't know what to do anymore, I can't keep putting up with his lies.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010):

Hi

I have been dealing with this Porn nightmare, ever since I moved in with my then fiance-now husband 3 months ago.

The very first day, I noticed he had been looking around local escort sites. That gave me such a shock! I didn't know what to believe anymore. When I confornted him, he tried to make me understand that it was just a fantasy and he was not cheating on me in any way. Next I caught him surfing for escorts on some other popular website. I mean, does it ever stop??? I found the occasional downloaded free porn videos on his laptop. He then started to delete all the browsed history sites on the computer. I recently found out that he has subscribed to a site and has been watching it from work! Ok I get it that men have needs. But to the extent of doing it from work??? What the hell is he thinking???? Everytime I bring it up.. it turns into an arguement and he begins to get all defensive. As far as our sex life is concerned, it's even lucky I get a chance to fool around on with him. either he's tired or got alot on his mind. If he was so uninterested in me, why did he marry me in the first place??? I can't keep up with those hoes in the videos. This is going in such a downward spiral now. Is there a way out of this??

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009):

I caught my husband watching porn twice and he agreed to go to counseling with me. But heck, the counselor even gave him a green light. She said as long as he can control his behavior (i.e. he can stop at will), that's an "all right"! Can you believe that?

It's sad to lose my trust for him now. Sometimes, I suspect if he is doing something wrong behind my back. Unfortunately, I can't leave him since I have a 3 year old boy & 8 months twins.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009):

I am not even married yet. I am engaged. When we didn't live together it was still an issue. I was just afraid to bring it up and now that I confronted him about it I don't know how to feel. He tells me that he doesn't want me to look like the porn stars that he masturbates to. He tells me that I am beautiful and the he is only thinking about me and that he just likes lingerie and he is always thinking how much better I would look in anything that they are wearing. I used to be confident.He tells me that I look better than the porn stars...I am short,skinny,I have small boobs and stretch marks because I also have a 5 year old. I used to feel good about my relationship but he cares more about porn then me. I am 5'3 and around 115 lbs. I have 32c boobs,quite small. I feel like I will never be good enough for him,and unlike the rest of you he doesn't hide it from me very well (Iwishhedid) and flat out told me that he will NOT stop looking at porn. He says "My penis only wants you. I only want you" I don't know how to believe anything he says to me anymore...We have sex sometimes 4 times a day,but I am sure he would rather jerk off then have sex with me. I will never feel attractive to the love of my life. We are getting married in 9 months and we are already at eachother's throats. He would choose porn over me if I told him I would leave because of it. I am worth nothing. I wear lingerie for him. I have kinky (really kinky) sex with him and none of it matters. Nothing I do matters and all the love I can give him doesn't matter. I feel all alone in the world. He says that I am not in competition with porn...That doesn't make me feel like I am not and it doesn;t make me feel any better. All I hear from him is "All guys look at porn. It doesn't matter. I want only you" I feel like he would love me more if I had huge tits was 3 inches taller and 10 lbs skinnier and my hair was a bottle of 40 lift developer blonder. I don't know if I will ever come to terms with this.I feel second place to porn stars on the computer screen.

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A male reader, wiiki United Kingdom +, writes (9 December 2009):

hello this my first time writting here i just spotted this and thought hey y not try n help so here goes.

in relation to your man watchin porn there could be a few factors u should consider b4 feelin hurt and betrayed.Your husband may be watchin porn to fantasize on an old sex act he's done. Have u asked him if he's experienced wat he watches in the porn films? Also he could be hearin about things freinds or work m8's have done and usin the porn to make his own fantasy up to match wat he heard off people. This could just be that he has high testosterone level witch can be detected by visiting your doctor for a blood test and if it turns out to be the case the doc can give treatments to control it and u may notice a big diffrence.

You have to remember even wen ur hurting that your husband needs your support to beat this you have to face it as a couple. Work together to descover the issue thats causin him to watch porn and try to resolve it. Also your husband might be hiding away as not to hurt you and you fighting with him will only make him try harder to hide it and not solve anything...

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A female reader, crica United States +, writes (14 October 2009):

Excuse me? Since when do us wives have to put up with our men looking for other women to turn them on?? Inst that what we are for and why he decided to marry us?? If they want porn so damned much, how hard is it to make some of his OWN porn with his OWN wife to wank off to when we are not having sex?? If he wants to wank off to other women, then he doesn't want us as a wife, in my book!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009):

Hi, my husband also watchs porn and promised he will stop. He doesn't understnad why it hurts so bad. I recently had 2 kids my son 20 mnths my daughter 5 months I weighed 97lbs before pregnancy and after I still am at 130lb I need to drop weight yes but find it hard. But he says it has nthing to do with the women in the photos or videos so I let him take pictures and videos of us and myself yet I still FIND porn on his cell and home computer. it's not even couples it's just women playing by them selves. So I just found this website to try to make him realize that hurts for him to fantize and get off to other women I'm leaving it in plain view on the computer and cell also. It Men naked! Google "porn for women by women" and all kinds of porn will pop up of naked men.

I haven't tested this yet as he is at work and I literally just found it. Let you know how it goes.

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A female reader, Michelle32182 United States +, writes (9 September 2009):

I honestly think that it's very normal for guys to do this. My ex husband use to do it all the time and it made me so jealous and pissed me off so bad and we eventually divorced, now I'm with another guy that I'm soon to be married to and he also watches porn all the time and it honestly doesn't bother me anymore. We have a fairly normal sex life so as long as he's not going out and actually having real sex with real women then I'm fine with it. If you're jealous over this and letting him know you're jealous and getting all pissed off about it then he's probably eventually gonna walk out on this relationship. Be happy that he's with you and not these sluts on porn movies and stuff. It's just a movie, it's not real, it's fake orgasms and 95% of men out there do it so if you do leave him or he leaves you over this just remember if you do get with another man then you have a 95% chance of him doing the same thing. It's just something guys get into and us women will probably never understand why. Chill out women!!!!! The only way you should be worried about anything is if HE never wants to have sex with you and you catch him doing it all the time, now if you never give it to him and that's all he's doing is watching porn and masterbating then just be thankful that he's not actually out cheating on you. I'm really sorry if I made anyone mad but honestly if you don't want him to leave you then chill out. I don't like it but I let my man watch it while we have sex just to spice things up, most of the porn movies the women are very ugly in them anyways plus they're sluts but if this bothers you because you have low self esteem then be honest with him about it, tell him that you need to be told you're beautiful and stuff sometimes, most men just don't think about stuff like that. They're men they don't think about hurting your feelings and stuff so just give him heads up about it. I really hope this helped you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009):

I don't know why men are like that..I recently caught my husband watchin porn online as well and i feel so betrayed as well i dont think is right. It makes me feel like he's not attracted to me anymore.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009):

Hey everyone this same thing has been going on with my husband and he has admitted to me that he has been doing it finally. He says he doesn't know why he does it and it makes him sick when he's finished. He promised that he was done now and that he didn't want to hurt me anymore but I dont trust him. He said I could check the history on the computer but Im not stupid since he can just erase it. Everyone I know that knows about it including counselors have told me that this is a form of cheating. I have told my husband that if he continues that I will leave him. Im hoping that is enough since if I leave him I will take his 3 year old and newborn sons away to a different state. I know he doesn't want that but Im sure he's not done with this yet. I have told him to seek counselling or its over.

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A female reader, Carol26 United States +, writes (12 August 2009):

I do have the same problem. I've been married for four years now. we have 3 kids and I just gave birth to my twins four months ago. I just found out 3 months ago that my husband was watching porn behind my back. I woke up one morning to feed our twins and i saw his computer was left on so I decided to turn it off. it was on sleep so i clicked the mouse and I was shocked because when it came back on I saw a lot of pussies and boobs! I can't believe he was watching those pictures and videos. I asked him about it and he just told me that I will not understand it even if explain it to me and he was only doing it because we can't have sex because I was pregnant. I was so upset! and i asked him to choose between those porn or me. He choose me and he deleted all the porn pictures and videos in front of me. But since then it's hard for me to trust him anymore and I am always depressed! I can't stop thinking about it and always guessing if what he is thinking everytime he see boobs and pussies on T.V or Internet. I can't still move on! He makes me feel insecure about my self. Until now, I'm still suffering! I don't know what to do. He says that he is not watching it anymore but it's still doesn't make me feel better.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009):

Don't worry girls, they won't be able to get it up much longer so then there will be no need to worry. You guys will still have the healthy sex drive that they would love to have and then you will be the one laughing at them like they do us because we try to control them and trust me that just makes it worse when you tell them to stop and as soon as they know it hurts you they do it out of spite...

I have the same problem and have been married for years my husband and i are both young and have 2 children so you know we have to have some kind of sex drive...i have been dealing with the internet on the cell phone...sex websites, singles web sites, he even took it so far as to take a picture of himself and send it to a girl on myspace that he was talking to and then in return asked for hers so i have been there too and i'll tell ya it doesn't get easier, you never have that trust there and you are always curious...all you can do is pray about it and know that more that likely they will NEVER have a chance with those females they are watching...you are just as good as them and probably more beautiful too they are trashy and i am disgusted by it... so hope someone got something about my column because i got a lot out of reading the mens and womens side of the thing they call PORN...i hate it!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009):

My husband and I have been married for less than two months. He told me that he occasionally looks at porn when we first started dating and I didn't think much of it. I recently saw the porn he's been now routinely looking at (yes, I finally snooped, so shoot me!), and the girls are so physically perfect, it makes me feel that I'm not good enough for him. Totally kills my sex drive.

Also, I found out that he's been looking at gay porn now. Makes me feel even more unattractive and unwanted. I think he's gay, and he also regularly hangs out with gay men and laughs (around me) at their advances and is not repulsed by them. I confronted him about it and of course he wasn't honest. I feel very trapped in this relationship, and the one bit of advice I can give is that you need to really get to know someone before you make a commitment. This may end up destroying our relationship.

P.S.:

Haven't even had the opportunity to put on weight: we've been married for eight weeks!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009):

I don't understand something. There are women who have responded here and other blogs saying "our sex life is great" or "we have sex regularly". What is the problem. I always thought the problem came from husbands and boyfriends paying too much attention to the porn. I understand that one. I can see why its disrespectful and insulting. If the sex life is fine though, I think is selfish to feel insulted and make your partner feel bad as well. For whatever reason, he watches and enjoys porn and he also enjoys you. Why can't he have both?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009):

Why????????????? It is so depressing!!!!!!! I can't stand it, it hurts so bad.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009):

I can certainly relate! I'm so sick and tired of hearing that it's natural for all men to like to look at naked women and I should just accept it. That's OK for my 23 year old single son, but I have a real problem with my husband and his flash drive full of naked women. Why the hell did do you get married in the first place?? It's one thing to see a drop dead beautiful woman walking by and he does a 180. But to feel like it's necessary to stare at other women's genitalia, feels like infidelity. I get so depressed and angry sometimes that I almost become physically sick during sex feeling like I'm not good enough. Trying to talk to him about it is like talking to a concrete block. This is an issue that has been around for hundreds of years and I'm sure will continue. Too bad we're not "visual" creatures and put the shoe on the other foot and let them know how it feels for a change. Hell, they would probably like it!!!

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A female reader, Anca Canada +, writes (28 June 2009):

Me and my husband have been married fr one year now and soon after our marriage i found out he was porn addicted. Before getting married he was craving for me, as I was young and beautiful. One year later I feel old and ugly because of this behaviour of his which made me lose my self esteem. We used to have a healthy sex life, and we still do at times, but this porn addiction of my hubby s makes me feel like a spare wheel. So sad and cruel...What a pitty for our lives.

Reading ur question made me realise again how this thing hurts. He says he loves me, that I am his life, and when I'm away he wanks at porn. stupid wife I am to believe his lies. His big luck in this life is that I love him too much.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009):

To the clueless male who posted . Obviously you just don't get it and never will. No we do not give" porn the power to

destroy lives ". Men do that quite capably. Porn is not a problem at all until it replaces an actual relationship. Professionals in the medical and mental health profession will verify this fact.If you think preferring photographs to a living breathing person is normal,than you are sad yourself. If you think cutting off physical contact ,that necessary connection with your partner , in favor of a fantasy life , and spending literally hours and hours in front of a computer screen is normal and healthy, then both your oars are obviously not in the water. Someone who wants a "relationship" with pictures? That is a red flag that something is not in order psychologically.And if you see nothing wrong with a man ignoring a wife with cancer, and instead focusing on empty images, you are definitely a cold human being.I pity you and any female in a 5 mile radius of you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009):

To someone who posted earlier saying " Calm the Hell Down ", you obviously do not realize what we are talking about. The use of porn once in awhile is not the issue here.Of course I realize men look at other women , it's only natural.But we are talking about our partners losing interest in sex with us , and REPLACING US with pixilated images.It is a devastating emotional situation to be in. I am open-minded and have a healthy appetite for sex;my husband and I had an intense physical relationship for a long time. Looking at porn together was exciting. If he viewed it by himself once a while, no big deal.I never even minded if my guy went to a strip club for a bachelor party or a night out with his friends. I was secure in knowing he came home to me and we were very close and very physically connected.I'd even accompanied him on several occassions.We kept the spice in our lives even though we had kids.

I was confidant ,knowing he had strong desire for me, making me feel wanted, and very much loved.I did not feel at all threatened by images of women. All that changed about 2 years ago.He no longer has ANY sexual interest in me. NEVER iniates sex, and when I do he makes no move. He avoids me .He will give me a quick kiss,no deep kisses anymore. I just get a hug, but nothing more.I am 106 lbs. 5' 6", so letting myself go is not the problem. I'm a vegetarian, and a former ballet dancer, so exercise is a big part of my life.He jumps on the computer everytime he is alone in the house, or if I sleep late on a saturday morning.He even visited his favorite porn sites when I was very ill in bed with a serious health issue. I had a lumpectomy and am self-conscious about about my chest.He has never tried to make me FEEL that I am still attractive, although he says he still cares about me as much as before.If he paid attention to my chest I would feel like I measure up, but he will not touch my breasts anymore. I was upstairs too sick to sit up straight and he was jerking off to skanks.Just great.He never touches me in a personal way anymore. I used to be the most uninhibited female. I'd would try anything, I absoultely love sex.I get undressed in the bathroom now because he has made me feel ugly and unwanted. To realize he prefers photographs over me, someone he says he loves, is humilating. When he first stopped sleeping with me, he said it was because he was stressed out from work. The pressure. I believed him until he forgot to log out of an X-rated site. Afterwards things began making sense, and I started checking the history. Not just a few sites had been visited , he looks at a list so long each time, it is mind-boggling. I didn't like sneaking around, checking on him like he was a kid, and I could no longer keep my mouth shut. I told him he forgot to logout ,told him I saw the site, neglected to tell him I regularly check the history .I asked him why he has the time and energy to spend looking at naked women online,if he is "too stressed " for sex, why isn't he "too stressed " to have cyber sex ? Seems to me if you are too stressed for sex, you would not want sex at all, in any form. But apparently, he is still very much still interested in sex, just not sex with me.He just stares at me with a blank look. I asked him how does he think it makes me feel, that he completely ignores my breasts , but he makes the time overdoses on picture after picture of boobs ?? He says nothing, or says he no longer does it. He is of course lying.Just last night I calmly asked to PLEASE stop, it is affecting me deeply. I have cried and argued over this subject, but I know that fighting only makes things worse, so I stayed calm, hoping to get through to him about how much this is hurting my feelings.Apparently he doesn't care. This morning while I was asleep,he was at it again.I told myself, he surely wouldn't do it again, right away after we had spoken. I was compelled to check the history anyway.I think now it is becoming almost a power play. He probably does not clear the history cache on purpose, just because I've been arguing over the subject.Typical male passive-aggressive behavior.I realize no one likes to be told what to do or what not to do, but I would never do something continually which I knew was hurting my husband.I am currently running back and forth to Dr. appts., and may have Paget's Breast Disease. I'm waiting for test results, and this man is screwing with my emotions .He still talks to me about every other subject,spends his spare time with me, we go to concerts, movies,art galleries,plays,restaurants regularly,we are political activists,still go on vacations ,we do everything together like always. He can be generous, kind and thoughtful in other areas.Helps with household chores, buys me lovely gifts spontaneously , not only for birthdays, etc. He loves my 4 cats and my great dane as much as I do. We have been best friends for 24 yrs.He doesn't hang out in bars, he is home, the only thing different is he has cut me off sexually. I do not want to feel this lonely forever.I absolutly cannot believe this is happening to me.We used to talk about couples who live lives of no connection physically, saying what a waste that is, to be merely "roomates ".Now I am in a nightmare, I've become one of those people.I'm 51 yrs. old,and feel even though I keep my self attractive for my age, I obviously cannot compete with 20 yr. olds. His porn fixation has ruined my self-esteem. I asked him how he would feel if he had penis cancer and while he was sick on chemo upstairs, I was downstairs looking at photos of big dicks.He just looks at me, or looks away. Of course it is too uncomfortable to respond to !! For god's sake !I feel ill inside everytime I think he may NEVER want me again.He says he DOES want me and no one else, but the months go by and nothing. I have stopped initiating anything personal, as a means of my own self-preservation. I am embarrassed to know he has no desire to undress me anymore. Asking him for sex is pathetic, like begging for attention, and any thing that would come of it anyway, would be meaningless, knowing he felt " forced ". I am now to the point I do not want to discuss test results with him, when he asks, because he has diminished the importance of it all.He gets angry with me when I don't tell him what the dr.s are saying, but I am supposed to discuss a boob problem when he is OBSESSED with other women's boobs??If I had a problem with my elbow, I'd gladly discuss it with him ! What the hell does he REALLY care if he can hurt me on such a deep level ? Is this an addiction for which he is truly powerless ? I am so depressed over trying to figure it out,I drag through each day.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2009):

I have the same problem. I just discovered that my husband is watching porn behind my back. We just got married. We've been married for less than a year. Already he is watching porn behind my back. I didn't confront him yet. I don't know if I will. Just thinking that he does that makes so depressed. I am 22 years old, young, and I think attractive, well atleast people tell me that I am. This REALLY hurts, and I have no one to talk to, and to tell about this. This has completely damaged me. I am so depressed and heartbroken and I feel so betrayed. And I feel so ugly and unattractive. I haven't been talking to him normally and he noticed and he keeps asking whats wrong and I keep on saying nothing, because I feel like I can't even talk to him about it. I can't even begin to tell him how I'm hurt. How can someone so close to you hurt you that much??!!!

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A female reader, nomoredeceit Australia +, writes (1 May 2009):

I really feel for you and can relate to the deep depression and self doubting this causes. I discovered my husband had been watching gay porn for the past couple of years. His initial response was that he was just looking to see that was not who he was. Yet when I discovered the number of sights he changed his answer...He was sexually abused as a child and has struggled with his own identity. The sexual abuse has distorted this insecurity. Whilst the circumstances are not the same, the results in the person on the other side are. I do believe it becomes an addiction. My husband does not want to be gay and is deeply ashamed. Whilst I married him knowing he had this attraction, he assured me he was no longer that way. Years of neglect and just crying for his attention, to be abused verbally because i wanted "instant," changed in a moment of my dicovery. He has been reading a book called "the five languages of forgiveness" and for the first time has realised that sorry warrant a change in behaviour and must be displayed over a long period and consistently. Look at your husbands behaviour - is he truely sorry, does he recognise the hurt to your self esteem? Is he trying to make you feel special or is he providing excuses. My husband initally provided excuses. I spelt it out to him - "imagine you have the opportunity to face your abusers and their response was " but look what happened to me" - does their pain/issues give them the right to destroy someone else? is it a valid excuse. I once read (in manslations) - men are like dogs - take no notice of what they say - look at the behaviour. As the other person said - "he needs to protect your heart" In fact those were the words I used to my husband. Women want to fee protected and special. I do not think you are asking too much to expect him to want only you - would he like it if you wanted other guys. Fantasie on line or a beautiful real woman to hold. Many men would give their right arm to have a woman who was always willing and able for sex. However, men are hunters and like challenge. Be aloof, go out by some new clothes, get your hair done, and go out with the girls and watch the male attention you get. For no other reason but to boost your self esteem.

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A female reader, Sallen8908 United States +, writes (30 April 2009):

I too have had this problem with my husband. I knew that he had a problem as a teenager. We were actually high school sweet hearts. But the first time I found out, I was really devastated. I was sixteen when I first foudn out about his problem and it disgusted me. He said he would never do it again. My husband would go through long gaps where he wouldn't look at porn, years even, but than he would have his slip up. The most recent slip up was his worst. He looked at porn consistantly for two months, and I mean any time I was out of the house he would do it. The only reason it stopped was because I had caught him this time. What does hurt me the most of all of this is that I had asked him many times that winter if he had been looking at porn. everytime he blatantly lied to me. He would even goes as far as to get defensive and tell me I was being irrational. Which in a way I thought I was. The first time I went through this was very bad. I had zero trust for him. I had finally built that up again over the years, with minor problems coming from him. The most upsetting thing for women about porn is the lack of trust that results from men and their porn addictions. You canno trust them when they say they weren't looking, You can't trust that you feel sexy in their eyes. You can't trust that they really truley do love you, when they see the hurt they are causing you and still do it.

This recent selfish act of his has really caught me off guard. I have sunk into a major depression, My self-esteem was never that great to begin with. I just cannot get over the fact that after him seeing what it did to me before, I don't get why he would do it again. I feel sick all the time, and I worry that bad things are happening. I hate that he can't think of me, and what his actions are doing to me. I hate that he has no idea what pain I am going through. Yet i would never leave him. Its funny but i really did use to despise feminists, but lately I see the hatred one can have for men. I am just tired of not knowing the truth. After reading many of these posts I want my husband to read them as well. I know he feels guilty about doing it. He isn't the type of husband to say that its "natural" or that he "won't stop". He has actually done well for what I believe is a porn addiction. but it is not enough. and I do not want to go through this anymore. from reading many of these posts it seems as though other woman are having the same problem I am having, and that is the whole trust thing. we can't trust our husbands, and that is a very crucial element to the health of our relationships with our husbands. I know one thing about my husband, and that is that I do think he wants to stop. But what I fear is that he is too selfish to ever be trusted to stop for good. I have never viewed the world so horribly before. I have never contemplated leaving him before ever, but I ponder it now only because I feel so sick all the time in worry. It is good I suppose that my love for him is so strong.

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A female reader, jiltedandbetrayedwife United States +, writes (31 March 2009):

My heart really goes out to you because I have pretty much the same problem with my husband. He looks at porn and naked women on the internet everytime I'm either not home, asleep or otherwise unavailable to him. He says it's because he feels like I don't want him anymore, but he's failed to take into consideration all the medical hell I've been going through and how it's made me feel. This has been a problem we've had for more than 2 years now. Even though I've told him over and over how it makes me feel depressed, ashamed and embarassed about my body (because I feel as though I can't compete with these extremely sexy women that he likes to look at and masturbate to), replaced by the porn and every other way it makes me feel like complete and utter shit, he still will not stop. He's just found ways to be sneakier about it so that I wouldn't find out. I used to have a very healthy sexual appetite myself until all of this has taken away every ounce of sexual confidence I had. On top of that, when we do have sex, he doesn't seem that interested or excited. He becomes motionless and quiet which makes me think that he's either a) completely bored because I'm not exciting him as much as his beloved porn does or b) he's gone somewhere else in his mind and is possibly fantisizing about being with someone else while it's my body that he's "enjoying". I feel like I'm losing my husband to his preference to be entertained by the internet instead of coming to me. I, myself, have been thrust into a deep depression on top of feeling ashamed of myself and no longer confident sexually. Sex used to be so much fun and an adventure for me, but since I've been married to my husband whose done SOOOO many things to make me doubt myself and feel as insecure as I do, just the thought of sex stresses me out, depresses me and scares me for fear that I won't be able to satisfy him. It may seem hypocritical me giving you this advice because I won't follow it myself, but if I were you, I'd tell your husband to drop dead for continuing to hurt you and wait for someone to come along who would actually appreciate you enough to give you total respect and loyalty and who would love you enough to do anything he had to to keep you from being hurt...someone who would go through hell and high water to protect your heart instead of being the one to break it over and over and over again. My heart really does go out to you because I know EXACTLY how you are feeling.

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A male reader, ncc1701d United States +, writes (15 February 2009):

Just remember this.

Men do not respect the women they see in porn no matter how many they watch.

Men do respect their wives. Thats why they married you.

Know that this respect will always make you more valuable and special to them than those women in the videos.

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A male reader, gadfly_in_your_drink United States +, writes (18 November 2008):

Just be glad you didn't find out he was sneaking around behind your back looking at GAY porn. Seriously, I have to admit I never really understood the attraction of pornography. It usually involves some butt ugly dude with a freakishly huge penis incompetently humping a melon (read fake) breasted woman who even more incompetently fakes an orgasm. Not very sexually stimulating for someone (like me) who has more discriminating tastes and talents. I know I would rather try to satisfy your needs than watch stuff like that if I were your husband. Problem is, I am butt ugly myself with anything but a freakishly large penis, so I don't have an attractive, nice wife to spend quality time with. Yet I still can't get into porn.

I sometime find I enjoy laughing at the stuff though. True erotica, though, is a different story. More like art.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008):

Precious, you are truly precious and indeed a pearl of woman kind. You've got it exactly... There will be no problem with pornography in your relationship from now on... LOL.. you are a very sensible and intelligent lady, and as you've noticed, if you leave men alone with pornography, eventually the get bored and get interested in something else. Yes it's a thing about confidence. As long as you are loved and treated well, then leave men alone to do men things, cause it is really no threat to a loving confident woman... lol

Many women don't like to hear this, but the don't realise that the arguing and fighting over pornography just makes things worse and blows everything out of proportion. If you don't like pornography, then don't go searching for it. Leave your man alone, and tell him to hide the pornography and his use of it because you don't want it in your face. Simple as that. To demand a man have only eyes for you, and only think about you, and never touch his penis or look at attractive women is unrealistic and causes much heartache in relationships. I'm glad you have found a fair compromise, and have been able to talk to him, and understand what pornography really means to him... Thank you very, very much for your post. I was beginning to despair that every woman is insecure and slightly possessive until I read your post.

A lot of men look at pornography, cause men like sex and they also like masturbation. They lie about it because some women hate it and therefore they lie to protect a woman's feelings. Masturbation is usually a private thing, there is something very relaxing and naughty about giving pleasure to yourself. Don't fight it unless it interferes with your sex life, there really is no way to stop a man from looking at pretty girls and stroking their penis. Women who spy on a man and argue about pornography are turning themselves into their partners mothers. Mothers stop boys from masturbating, they tell them "No don't do that". I don't want to me a man's mother, I want to be an equal partner, it's not my job to treat him like a child and tell him what to do. He's a grown man and should be treated as such.

I do notice that one comment below me is from another lady from the UK. Pornography is not such an issue in Europe or the UK. It is excepted and mainstream, it is not seen as such a big issue as it might appear here on DC..... Truly I can't understand what the fuss is all about. Thank you again for your post, it has been refreshing to find a lady who has found a way to accept and accommodate this thing that some men like to do... lol

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008):

Thank you all for your input. It's been a while since I posted this question and have somewhat changed my outlook on this subject. My husband goes on the computer alot to look on ebay, and I don't check up on him. I guess at this point I feel that what I don't know won't kill me. If he wants to look at that stuff so be it. I asked my husband when a man looks at other women, does it mean that he doesn't love or want the one he's got? His answer was no. He said if you drive a mustang and see a corvette driving by, you are going to look and appreciate it's beauty but that doesn't mean he's unhappy with the car he's driving. I feel for all these woman who have this porn problem with their men, and how bad it makes them feel. I think the biggest problem is that they sneak it. If men were more open about it, we wouldn't feel so bad because we wouldn't be wondering what else is he lying about and sneaking around doing. I think it all comes down to self confidence. If you are a person who lacks self confidence, behavior from a man like this is going to be devastating. I think that the women who are not bothered by this type of behavior do not lack self confidence. I don't think that men watching porn is as big a deal as we tend to make it out to be. Maybe they sneak it around because of the thrill because he knows we won't like it. Try to act not bothered by it at all and I would bet they would slow it down on the computer. As long as he is not addicted or talking to people, it's ok.

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A female reader, uberpinkii United Kingdom +, writes (17 October 2008):

uberpinkii agony auntCan i just say, discounting all of these essays.

porn is normal they women/men cant come out and steal your man/wife or whatever.

People dont want to kiss and love these 'people' it ISNT REAL. its all fake, watch it with them, or not, shout at people for it. but they wont steal your partner, they'r yours.

calm the Hell down.

^^,

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A female reader, valwynn United States +, writes (17 October 2008):

i have the same problem with my husband of five years, he loves to look at big booty women websites. i believe he only wanted to be with me becuz of my figure, but now that i have had a baby with him i have lost my figure and i feel so unatractive because he always sneaks to look at that type of shit and it makes me sick! he knows it bothers me deaply so he has learned how to erase what he has been looking at ,but a friend at work told me how to view his history and when i did i found sites like hot youngpussy.com assparade.com bigbootyclub.com booty2go.com bendoverbucks.com and all types of shit!! i found out he was looking at this type of stuff once b4 and i told him ether tha computer had to go or i was leaving! we got rid of the computer for a few years but now we have a computer agin and im seeing the same type of things as them only now he try to b more slick with it he try to delete everythang he look at every day like that is supose to make it better or something!!! i can not trust him i love him but i just dont kno wat 2 do! when i ask him about it he just denie it and say i dont kno wat u r talkin about! today when i confronted him he said if it would make me feel better i could take the computer with me when i go to work but i just feel like he will find some way to look at this crap tv on his phone or maybe even in person by having an affair if he ant already ! i really need someone to talk to i am 25 he is 37 we have been married for 5 years i did not really have any real relationships before him but he has 2 kids 7, 8 by two diffrent women nether was he married to i am his first wife so i thought i was special to him but i dont feel that way anymore at all!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008):

i have the same problem my husband denied it ,i have a high sex drive like him ,and feel a failure that i am not good enough for him, my first husband cheated ,i feel not good enough for anyone .but at the end of the day its their problem. i know i am going to find someone who loves me for me.like you will!!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008):

I have the same problem! I am a hot 46 year old brunette who is child-free.

I'm successful at work, talented, have a great sense of humor and have a happy go lucky personality. I am also a bisexual and I bellydance! Yet, my husband has to sneak around and watch porn - just like your husband. I also have a healthy sexual appetite and would do just about anything to please him and I have never turned him down except once a month when I am willing to do all the things you mention: Dress up, have photos and movies made of me etc. I even write erotic stories which he only pretends to have an interest to make me happy.

I may be good in bed - but boredom makes it hard for a guy to perform I guess. We have been married for 15 years. I have to put up with him keeping his eyes closed when we make love and he rarely kisses me in bed anymore. Is he concentrating or fantasizing? When confronted he said, "Why does it always have to be about YOU?" He made me feel like an attention whore.

It boils down to this:

We desire nothing but our husbands - they however, do not feel the same about us. They love us, but don't feel any remorse for needing other things to get them off. I feel like I am the favorite candy in a box of chocolates.

The reasons why they hide the porn is a control thing. They don't want us being the "masturbation police". Why can't they do things without us? We are hurt because we don't receive the same kind of devotion and desire that we have for them. When we get married we put 100% of our investment on the marriage table and then we feel betrayed when we find out that our husbands did not put their %100 of their investment on the table because they have saved 10% for themselves. We should have known this before we got married, so we knew what we were getting into.

Men show their devotion in different forms. Women are more emotional. We take the porn thing personally.

What really hurts me is when my husband is really turned on and wants to have sex, it is after he has been viewing porn. He may not masturbate at the time and saves his excitement for me, but I feel like a vessel that is there to get him off. He probably thinks that he is doing me a favor. Some men would be thrilled to know that you were turned on and used their bodies to get off. It is exciting to them. Sex for sex excites me too, but I still feel short changed when that is all I get.

Some research suggests that men are intimidated. Perhaps that is my problem. It really isn't all about me. It truly is about him. Though my husband is definitely the dominant one in the relationship, he hates his own body and has some self loathing issues. He is also envious of my talent. No matter how much I compliment him and his accomplishments, he is still is very sensitive to any kind of criticism. He has often said that he doesn't deserve me and the porn thing just feeds his perception of himself.

Yes, we've been in therapy. He doesn't want to lose me, but he also values his freedom.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008):

I have to admit I normally would not turn to the internet with this type of issue but I have. I found my husband is totally into porn. I was on the internet and all these pop ups kept coming up to porn sites. The one that actually caught me off the guard the most was that he had actually been to a site with local girls and had saved some of their pictures. We have not been intimate in a LONG time. I have a very healthy desire for him. But because I have put on weight the last few months he "resents" me. His excused when I inquired about the porn on the computer was "i don't know what you are talking about and those sites just pop up. " okay well I wasn't born yesterday AND you would have had to visit them for them to just "pop up" excuse for no desire for me is that I remind him about it at times. Okay sorry but i thought in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer? but I suppose men think differently. I was repulsed and disgusted when i saw these things that and to find out they were saved on the computer?! Teen agers at that. SICK! His excuse? THose girls really are not teens and these are staged. Sure...born yesterday isn't in my vocab. Sorry. I am angry, hurt, upset and just don't know what to do. Of course because I found this stuff I am a "Nosey bitch". I have a sick feeling this is just the cake topper. He said I knew that he watched porn before i met him because he is in the navy and they take it underway. Whatever. Ever heard of taking pictures of your WIFE along to masturbate to? Why do all men think this woman they are watching are gonna pop into the living room and be all over them? NO CHANCE....and besides I have to agree with the response earlier, those woman are nasty. Whoever would resort to that type of lifestyle is beyond me. Don't get me wrong it just isn't for me. I can't imagine making a living in porn. What happens when you do meet that man/woman of your dreams? You have been with everyone in the book whether it is an "art" or not. Besides I don't know bout ya'll but I thought that making love and intimacy was something special between a couple, whether they are married or not. It is a special closeness that only they can feel united the w/the love of your life as one. There is no greater feeling.

I don't understand why men just don't understand that? and if it is nothing to be ashamed of or they are not trying to hide it than why do you put it in "specially marked folders?" and why don't you freely watch it when we are around? I mean if you are not hiding anything right?

Sorry ya'll but I just feel this sort of thing is gross and I am not into it. That is why I married my husband to feel that bond with him. Nobody can make me feel the way he does. EVen though it hurts right now that things like this are happening. I hate to say it is the beginning of the end but if he doesn't see the profound affect it has on me than how can we get past it?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008):

I have the exact same issue. I caught my husband masterbating to internet porn on his cell phone! And I am a 25 year old, 5'4", 95lb brunet. We have been married only for a year and a half, and we have a baby girl. I managed to keep my trim look.

When I first caught him, I had a panic attack, which is very unlike me. Then he admitted to doing it often. He has naked pics of me on his phone, and he chooses to watch the porn. I'm devistated. I looked to find answers to why I feel so crappy about it, and I saw a theropists quote to one couple, making a very good point. Sure, it part of his sexuality, and he is accustomed to it being a private thing, but marriage is the giving up of ones self to his/ her partner completly, and sexuality should be shared. It may not be cheating in the traditional sence, but it has a very similar effect. I don't know about you, but I certainly feel cheated on! And here we are, using the internet productively;)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008):

There is a difference between "porn addiction," and "just curious". The sad thing is is that most "curious seekers" if not careful, will lead to an addiction. Porn addiction is like any other addiction......it kills, maims and destroys a relationship or marriage. It seems the more they look, the more they want to look, and the more they have to look.

Sad addiction to boot!

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A female reader, PreciousNY United States +, writes (28 April 2008):

PreciousNY is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I just feel that if I want to be with him 7 nights a week and he only gives me 5 nights because the other 2 nights he's getting off on porn, that's leaving me high and dry isn't it? Why would I feel inadequate when he watches it with me....atleast then I know that I'm getting him off, and he's not doing it alone. I think alot of men fail to realize what this type of behavior does to a woman in every way possible. Especially if she is pregnant or has had children already. As I've heard a man say once, "The real badge of a woman is stretch marks." Men lack compassion and common sense in this area. How would you all feel if your women were staying up late watching hot men of all sizes.....not very good right. You would all start to question if you are satisfying your women. This is the same thing for a woman and then some. I also agree with the female readers....most men who watch porn do NOT realize that these women are air brushed, fake and wide open enough for a tractor trailer to drive through and full of nasty diseases. Is that really what you all want and loath for? How can any man wish to fantasize about that. If a man knows how hurtful this is to their women they should just stop! No one needs to get off on porn to live. Although I think I did just realize that I had no right to tell him what he can or cannot do with himself as long as it stays solo. And I've also pretty much forbade him to watch it again and it's been a while and I don't think he has, but I am now afraid that he may come to resent me for it later. We were high school sweethearts and neither one of us has ever been with anyone else, so does anyone for see this to become an issue if it hasn't already?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008):

all the guys (and some ignorant girls) will say that the fact the husband looks at porn doesnt mean he is not happy with our body or wants something else...but thats rubbish...

If it was our bodies they desired most the women in porn would have stretch marks and show the ravages of motherhood like 99% of us real married women..but they rarely do...so I dont believe a thing they say...I know you say you dont ave hose signs now....so imagine how much worse you will feel if you have kids with this guy and he still looks at porn...men who watch porn have no idea what a real womans body should look like.....their too brainwashed by barbie and her silicone twins

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (27 April 2008):

eddie agony auntIf he is actually sneaking off to see porn as much as you say, and your opinion could be slightly jaded, then he may have some sort of addiction. If he is not giving you sex, the it may be an issue. Did you say in your original post he was leaving you high and dry?

This does not have to be about you. You are focused on making it a "you" issue. When you watched porn with him, why didn't you feel inadequate then? It was the same porn stars with great bodies doing whatever they were doing. What gave you the sense of control when you watched it with him?

When a man masturbates it can be to some of the most unlikely characters so don't fret about it. Perhaps he masturbates too much, watches porn too much etc. That is not an indication of what he feels for you though. Masturbation is not a great alternative to a real partner. IF he chooses masturbation over being with you, maybe he has other issues but it's not because you're not like the porn women.

I don't think porn, in moderation, is that bad. Some people don't know the limits though. What ever you do, you can't be the masturbation police, unless he's not pleasuring you.

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A female reader, sarahhh United States +, writes (27 April 2008):

He sounds like he is addicted to porn. There's one thing to get off, but sneaking it in when you're in the shower?! Sounds like it is taking over. If you like to watch it with him, but he's also sneaking around with it, it shows he knows what he's doing isn't normal.

I always hear that it doesn't reflect on the woman, if her partner feels he needs porn, it's not connected to her. I don't really know the truth since I am not a guy, but that's what they say.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008):

When a man masturbates to porn, or just watches it, does it have anything to do with their wives/girlfriends? Does it mean that they are not satisfied, or wish you looked like them? NO, it just means that men like variety and like to look at naked women. That's all. I think he does have a slight addiction though, and you're right it probably is not over with. But he is ashamed of it too, so he will be more sly about it. Just try to forget it until (if) you catch him again. You may have inforced his thinking that it was ok to look at porn because you watched it with him. I watched it w/ my husband a few times, and afterward started finding that he had been watching it alone. Yes, it bothered me. I told him to stop, he said he would but he didn't. Not completely. Men are just that way when it comes to porn. I think they feel like they need to see it at least sometimes. I have learned that I freaked out a little too much the last time I found pics. of naked women that he had viewed online. I did just have a baby via c-section and was bed ridden when he was doing it. So it hurt a lot. But I feel stupid now because of the extreme way I reacted. I screamed at him & hit him. It is just a natural thing.

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A female reader, PreciousNY United States +, writes (27 April 2008):

PreciousNY is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Eddie, I am relating this to me because it has to be about me doesn't it? Ever since this happened neither one of us has looked at porn and I never watched it behind his back....we were always together. How can it be none of my business if he can be so selfish as to please himself and leave me hanging high and dry? I have actually never written in before, this would be my first time. Why shouldn't I feel slighted if he would rather masturbate to the fake porn stars than be with his own wife. You say not to attach myself to those people, but the same way it is only natural for a man to get turned on by all females, it is only natural for women to feel they cannot compete with the girls in these videos that their husbands are getting off on. When a man masturbates to porn, or just watches it, does it have anything to do with their wives/girlfriends? Does it mean that they are not satisfied, or wish you looked like them?

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (27 April 2008):

eddie agony auntYou're trying to relate this to you. If your sex life is great and you're enjoying each other, this should really be such a big deal. You even watch porn yourself. As for masturbation, that is none of your business. You can not and must not try to control this aspect of his life. Unless it is a huge issue where he is spending way too much time masturbating and none with you, why do you feel slighted.

The reason it's called masturbation is because it's done alone, by the person who is pleasuring them self. I think you've written in about this before. Do not try and attach yourself to the women in the films. You are not those people. If your account of the situation is accurate, it sounds like he may be a little too much into porn and you may be a little bit too much of a detective.

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