A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please advise what to do if your husband always likes to hang out with a friend that is trouble.My husband has a friend who is married but likes to go drinking and partying with single women. They dance and touch.. not sure if they have sex. His friend's wife pretends she doesn't know because she doesn't have a job and need his help to support their 2 yrs old. She also goes out clubbing on her own too and is known to hit on his friends, even once hit on my husband but claimed she was drunk.I don't like ny husband hanging out with this specific friend, but have always been cordial when we do meet up for dinner.Recently this friend invited my husband on a trip to Germany with several other single guy friends (who are also known to party hard). I don't want my husband to go cuz I smell trouble already... do I have the right to tell him not to go?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2018): Stop blaming the friend! Hold your husband accountable for his own behavior, his actions, and his choice of friends.
"Birds of a feather flock together." Your husband may share the same personality-traits as that friend; which is why the two get-on so famously. You're going after the friend? What about your husband? Chances are, you knew your husband was a party-boy before you married him. Did you think you could change him?
You cannot control and monitor your husband's actions like he's some juvenile-delinquent, he's an adult.
As his wife, it's about time to tell him straight-up that you feel he spends too much time carousing with a guy who plays around on his wife; and you feel his friend's presence is having a direct-impact on your marriage. Tell hubby, you are concerned that he doesn't seem to care about how you feel regarding how much time he spends out with this guy. It scares you! You don't want your marriage to be like theirs!!!
This is a marriage; so you can't just dump a husband like a boyfriend. You've got to address marital-issues through effective-communication. You stay on the issue until you resolve it. You must ask for his cooperation; and determine if there is a reason he feels the need to seek so much party-time away from the responsibilities of his marriage.
Maybe he isn't happy being married. By the way, the trip to Germany is a NO GO! Married-men have no business going on adventures with known cheaters! The ring-leader will be the leader of all the mischief for certain! Much depends on if your husband is a leader or a follower. If he doesn't have any Alpha-male qualities; he can be lead around by the nose.
If it's a fight to change his mind, you've already lost the fight for your marriage! You only want to limit too much partying, particularly with the cheater. Not stop him from having some me-time or bonding with his male-buddies. Without the inclusion of women!
Most men who spend a lot of time away from home are not happy being there. They miss being single. They want to live like they're still single. They are stubborn, and they take advantage of women who are helpless and dependent on them. Most likely, they got married against their will; or had reservations about it. Once in, they feel trapped!
Some guys get married under pressure from their parents, maybe he had a kid out of wedlock; or has a long-term girlfriend who nagged and nagged about it. Guys like that feel caged. These men are very adolescent in their thinking, loose in their party-life, and very irresponsible. That behavior was always apparent; but women in-love sometimes make too many allowances. If this isn't the case for your man, you're okay. He just needs you to let him know how you are feeling. Being quiet and hoping he can read your mind is not how you do it.
When you've got a husband who ignores your concerns, doesn't show any respect, that's behavior that was there long before you married him. A lot of women pretend it's a sudden change that comes over their husbands. No it isn't. They thought when he got married it would change him. They think they can "domesticate" him. No way! He's not a rescue-pet you can take home and train out of his bad-behavior. He's a grown-ass man! An intelligent, sentient being, who can make his own decisions. Love is not magic! It is an emotion!
Put your foot down. Time to test what's more important to your husband. Hanging with his frat-boy buddy, or being your husband? If life at home is nothing but arguments, boredom, and marriage was forced; men take to the streets. They pretend not to be married. If home is where his heart is; friends and strip clubs are the farthest things from his mind. He loves and cherishes his family and his woman. He has cool hobbies to keep him out of trouble. Good friends!
Evaluate the quality of your marriage. Does your husband respect you or not? If you are effectively-communicating with your husband ( that means minus whining, yelling, nagging, and pouting) by using your words; you should both come to an understanding.
If he only gets out now and then; chill-out! Frequency makes all the difference. He has a right to blow-off steam with the guys, as long as women aren't the teapots! If he's a good man, he deserves trust. If he consistently hangs with men who are a known bad-influence; that's only proof he's the same-thing!
He's entitled to have friends. He can't control the behavior of his friends. However; if you hang with bad people, it rubs off. Eventually, he won't see anything wrong with messing-around. After too much exposure to bad-element, he will start to dabble in mischief. I know that's your greatest fear. I think he already has it in him, but you you're blaming his buddy.
Put your foot down. He's too old to be out partying like it's 1999 with his over-aged frat-boy buddies. Now I say this with precaution. Women sometimes misunderstand. We guys are always somewhat boyish inside. It's part of our nature!
Guys do need to blow of steam; but you do it like husbands not single-men. If you want to turn him into a homebody, not likely to happen; but if you guys did more things for fun together, he'd want more time with you and less time with his buddies. If you nag and whine a a lot; his friends are his escape from reality! Someone clingy, whiny, and always complaining is smothering. Like water-torture or having a plastic bag over your head.
If you married because kids came first, maybe you were in a hurry to get to the alter and pressured him for that ring, or you were two very young love-birds who got married too young; all this has to work itself out. You're both still pretty young and he seems to still need to sow wild oats. Now you have to remind him he's a married-man, and too much partying is causing trouble in the marriage. Tell him precisely that you do not know how much more you can or will take of it. That's firing a shot across the bow! It's over-due.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 March 2018):
 I agree 100% with honey pie, great advice!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 March 2018):
 Do you have the "right" to tell him no?
I don't think so. You are not his mother, he is not a child. You husband should KNOW better. Besides this friend might be acting inappropriately, does that mean EVERYONE around him (including your husband) does too?
Do you TRUST your husband to behave on such a trip? If not, why are you with him?
What I think you have "right" to do... is QUESTION your husband as to why he hangs out with a guy like that. Because it DOES reflect on your husband the kind of "company" he keeps.
And you have a "right" to ask your husband - HOW would you feel if I had a female friend who ACTS like your friend and she invited me to Germany for a vacation? Would HE want you to go? Would he really be fine with that?
But over all, after having had that conversation, I'd talk about talk and boundaries. What you two feel is OK in YOUR marriage (not in that guy friend's relationship).
I think when you in a marriage feel like you HAVE to manage your spouse to "prevent" them for doing bad things, your marriage is already in trouble.
TALK to your husband. I would also have a conversation about money here. Why would your husband (whom I presume is in his 30's) spend money on a lad's holiday instead of planning a holiday with you? And he is NOT a lad no more. He is a GROWN man, a GROWN married man. Your husband however NEEDS to be the one to make these choices, where he puts the marriage and you first. You shouldn't HAVE to tell him what to do.
Would I "let" my husband go? Yes, I would - but I would SURELY have a conversation about it all before. I wouldn't pull the "I'm your wife, I can tell you what to do!". I trust my husband to know how to behave when "away" from me.
I remember him going on a ski-trip (when we were stationed in Germany) with a bunch of married and single guy - some of the guys got up to no good, but my husband and another "older" guy made sure no one got locked up or into "too much" trouble - so my husband and this other guy ended up babysitting a bunch of drunk soldiers... When he got home he told me NEVER again.. lol so I was glad that I had told him to go, because he found that it wasn't as much fun as he had thought it would be.
You husband MUST have a moral compass, he knows right from wrong. Have a talk with him. Point out why you aren't happy with it but don't be the one to say Yes or No.
At least that is my opinion.
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