A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my husband for 6 years and it's been great but in the past 4 months he has got really close to a female at our workplace, he then asked me to be friends with her which I was ok with because she seemed nice, however I noticed my husband behaves differently around her.He is sooooo nice to her its sickining to watch and quite hurtful because the people we work with have also noticed this as well. I've told him I'm not happy with this now as he also started giving her lifts to whereever she wanted to go, she's never asked him for anything it's always him who asks her. I have now asked my husband to cut off contact with her when not at work and he agreed because I was upset, it's been about a week now and he came home today asking if its ok to text her! Help please! p.s. we are also trying for a baby.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): No, it is not okay for a married man to text another woman when he knows it is upsetting to his wife.
It is disrespectful to your feelings; and it takes humungous balls to ask such a thing of you.
You have to confront him, and tell him that you feel he is showing too much interest in that woman; and others at work even notice. It embarrasses you at work, and you will not tolerate it under any circumstances. It's that serious.
Firmly inform him that you consider his involvement with her a threat to your marriage; and it is straining your trust. You might also suggest to him that until you feel reassured of his intentions; you want to seek marriage-counseling before getting pregnant.
If he goes nuts at the suggestion of marriage-counseling; it's gotten your point across. Either the contact with her ends, or you go to counseling. it shouldn't be an idle threat, you should go through with it.
Cheaters, or potential-cheaters, hate to be confronted about their fidelity. Especially if you want to seek counseling. They'd rather cut-off a limb. It means you are directly addressing the issue, and you may already know something.
Your personal-life is beginning to overlap with your professional-life; and that will also jeopardize your employment. His eagerness to be around her and stay in contact, is all too obvious; so he may be trying to drive a point. Throwing hints your way.
Counseling will force him to confess if something's up, or get dialogue going if he wants out. If he wants out of the marriage, then get the wheels in motion. Don't putter around. Get it out in the open, and put your foot down.
Don't wait nine months down the road with a baby in your belly, and have it sprung on you that he's having an affair and wants to leave you.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (29 April 2014):
 Yeah, I echo the others - do not try for a baby.
Why is he giving her gifts, and what gifts are these?? Platonic friendships don't involve providing rides for no reason. Would he be doing that to a guy friend or a brother or sister?
He is in danger of developing an emotional affair if he hasn't already. He is acting like a teenage boy trying to impress her. He is misguided in thinking that only physical sex constitutes cheating, and you need to educate him. He believes he's keeping it above board by getting you to be friends (legitimizing his way of staying in contact after work hours), asking permission to text her after you ask him to cut contact (I guarantee that he has never stopped), and fawning all over her to the notice of others.
You both work in the same place. He is being unprofessional, and he is fostering an emotional affair. I would ask him point blank three questions:
1. Does he have feelings for her. You know what his mouth will say, but what will his eyes say immediately after you ask the question? If they flit slightly to the left or down after he says "no", you already know. Most people are sucky liars, but most people are even suckier body language readers. The body tends to not lie as easily as the mouth does.
2. Has he ever had a conversation with her in writing or in person that he wouldn't want you to be present for or to read?
3. Has your marriage or relationship ever been a subject of conversation between them?? This is an important question, because people who are grooming to cheat emotionally or physically typically have to vilify their spouses. This involves a story that makes the potential partner feel bad for the cheater because of the abuse or neglect they talk about when it comes to their spouses. Typically, it's about no sex, or abusive, or never listens, or doesn't understand, or they've grown apart, etc. etc. etc.. If he's venting about the issues in your marriage to her, that's already crossed the line. There is no real reason why a married guy should ever do that.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 April 2014):
 I would also advise you to hold off trying to get pregnant until you see where your husband's crush takes him. If he starts acting secretive you have bigger problems. His behavior is unacceptable, to me anyway.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 April 2014):
 Stop trying for a baby. For now at least. You don't need to add a baby to this mess.
I would slowly let her go as a friend. And I would sit him down and talk to him.
It ALMOST seems to me like asking you to befriend her was his way of trying to get your permission, NOT to be friend with her but more.
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