New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login224136 questions, 973872 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

My husband won't touch me, what should I do?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 November 2008) 28 Answers - (Newest, 18 October 2011)
A female age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I would like if anybody who has some good points would give me a few min.What should I do with this totally awkward\ situation?

My husband lost interest in sex, and literally ,he won't even touch me, yet, he says ,he loves me , wants to spend his life with me. He has totally no explanation, what happened to him.

He is not sick, medically completely all right.

He says its not that he fall out of love, but he thinks I should understand him.

I'm naked and he wont look or touch. I'm attractive, not over confidence just a fact. People always thinks, I look 15 years younger,than my age...

So it can't be the look. He have seen so many specialists, they don't know what is wrong. Viagra, won't work for him, as he has no desire.

So ,what should I do?

Should I risk to stay with him, and just go on in a sexless marriage? Is it too risky, because he might find someone else one day, after years of no sex ,who will light his fire, and dumps me old and broken?

How should I trust him that he doesn't know what is wrong?

And is it possible to live like this as a couple?

Any suggestion would help...

View related questions: confidence, no desire, viagra

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, justbecause Australia +, writes (18 October 2011):

My husband will not touch me. We still have sex maybe once a month or every other month. By touching meaning exactly that 'touching'. He hasn't touched me for nearly 14 years. I don't think he knows this. It's just sex. That's it. I long to feel loved and adored but I realise that this will never happen. I shouldn't have to ask for it. I've become depressed. I feel unwanted, unattractive and unloved.

I touch and caress him all of the time. Lately I've started to resent him. Feeling like, 'why, do I not deserve it'? Why does he deserve being touched and caressed all the time & I don't get anything back. I thought love was suppose to be two ways. He's says he loves me, but I don't feel loved. I've come to realise that perhaps my love is stronger than his. My love for him has grown over the years but not for him. I get the feeling that it would'nt be much just to replace me with the first person to step up and touch him.

I stress about the sex time. Because I feel as though he just does to fulfill his husband duties but would rather not. I'm severely depressed & it's getting more difficult to hide.

<-- Rate this answer

A reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011):

I am also a man in that same situation. And yes, My wife is very beautiful. But, to agree along with what was said about the constant antagonizing is true but its more than that. Not to steroetype women but, women have a tendency to deny us often. I am only assuming that your husband is a good man, and if he is then this will make sense. Women like to nag, or make unneccessary comments at the most inappropriate moments,or do things to their husbands that they dont like. But, the worst of all is when we feel like we are being taken for granted. Lack of appreciation is a definite shut down. You see i am very helpful to my wife. I cook, I clean, I'm very hands on with our children. I am the only one working right now. I dont have a problem with any of this, but where my problem comes in to play is after all this, there's no part of her day that she shows she cares. Even when she does say thsnk you its only rare occasion. After a while most men if not all will just become tired of being overlooked. So much so that we will actually stop looking for it. Which creates a negative domino effect. In the long run, we wont care about being physical. Then it goes from making love to my wife to just sex. At that point it becomes easy to forget about because it not tied to our emotions. combine all of of what has been discued any you will be able to figur him out

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010):

Not sure if its relevant, but I'm in the exact same situation- except I'm the guy who refuses to touch his wife. She is attractive- but the non-stop nagging and bitching has taken its toll. I even recoil when she touches me. I am married to her now so that I may see my children everyday. If you are attractive, a good wife and a good mom- you should have no problems with intimacy with your husband. Given you are a little older than I, (I will assume your husband is about your age), you both are beyond petty games and there is a real issue. This is assuming he is not having an affair- which I am not.

Do not get too confident from attention of others- I'd gladly hand over my wife to such suitors. I would suggest the possibility of a medical issue, but first ask him if he masturbates. You should know by now if he is lying. If he is not, it may truly be a libido issue.

I haven't had sex with my wife in over 6 months, and I masturbate at least twice a day. Despite her striking appearance, I find her that unattractive. Its the little things. All the time. All day. They never stop. It's that which drives good men away.

If there is not a medical issue; Criticize, order, command, complain and admonish a little less and see if that helps.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010):

When my husband kept rejecting me I gave up for a long time. I finally woke up and decided I couldn't live the rest of my life with no sex, no hugging and kissing, I went to a sex store. I bought xxx video's and toys. It didn't work. I finally confronted him on whether he masturbates,(we have separate bedrooms), he admitted that he does. I insisted he tell me about it, he just says he does it while thinking about other women. All this and I thought he was doing without, haha. I am on the verge of deciding whether to find a man just to make me feel alive and wanted. This has been going on for 15 years.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010):

I have been in this situation for ten years. I also thought he was gay, still in love with his first wife, or not attracted to me. I left him and dated others which confirmed to me that it wasn't my looks, my age or my lovability. However, he promised to stop smoking pot (which he smoked all day and night) and when he did quit for some time we got back together. I have forgotten about his total lack of affection and sexual anorexia and what I did remember I thought would improve when he was sober. I was wrong. I have made arrangements with him so that we do have sex once a month but he hems and haws and acts so finicky I am actually not attracted to him. He loves to argue before and during sex to either avoid the possible act or get out of it. It is hard to read these posts and admit to myself that this is a loveless marriage. We have occasional sex that i have to twist his arm for, he pecks me on the lips when I get home, but there is no emotional intimacy. The sex can be really good once he gets into it. He says he never masturbates and I know he has no money to get sex on the side. I think he has totally shut down. There are books and tapes about how to heal from sexual anorexia, but at this point I wonder how much healing anyone can report. I agree that he is unreasonable as a five year old and dont believe he will face the root cause. I do want the real thing, but also wonder if I could handle the real thing because why have I adapted to this for so long? Also think it's more common than we think especially if it is the flip side of sexual addiction. Who has found any success stories on the web or in life?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010):

Oh boy! Your husband may have a very low testosterone level. You might want to check online to find a doctor in your area who may be an expert in the field of hormones. Men need hormones too. You've heard of HRT, Hormone Replacement Therapy for women, well men have problems like that too. Find a competent doctor and have your husband tested. If they give him a prescription for some sort of cream, don't leave the office. Your husband needs regular injections of testosterone (probably). I'm not a doctor but I have read up on this a whole lot and you can too. Search the internet and you will be amazed of all the information that is out there. Of course you would not want to do anything without your doctors approval, but be sure to find a doctor that is extremely knowledgeable in the field. If your doctors takes blood from your husband to test for the testosterone level, you will find something out. Search the web, get information so you will understand the doctor. Good Luck!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010):

im in the same boat as u dear,except that he doesnt love me,i decided to carry on until i find someone to love.i dont love him cause he use to abuse me alot,beating me up for other woman even slept with my sister.he is realy a fake.wish i could get rid of him.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010):

Yes, I need your help.

I married my husband that is Brazilian. I'm a American.

He hasn't touch me in 3 1/2 now. I helped him with his papers. Is this the only thing he wanted from me. I sleep in one bedroom and he sleeps in the other one.

Please, I need answers.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, pared down United States +, writes (27 September 2010):

pared down agony auntthere are alot of answers here that come from the outside of these relationships and are too short sighted to see what may really be going on. there are alot of men who have severe to crippling intimacy issues: these types of issues can go anywhere from not touching the one he loves but ravishing a mistress to settling into a sex less life and normalizing it, then expecting his partner to normalize it too.

sometimes men experienced sexual abuse when young, they're ashamed and don't deal with the issue as adults and unfortunatly a woman who truly loves and desires them sexually is too close to the abuser of the past who also expressed their 'desire' for them--and may have clouded the situation further by framing it as love.

sometimes a man who has not developed a full range of emotions, but is teflon tough in his abilty to show vulnerabilty, withholds sex because the steps of being sexual with a woman he actually cares for makes him vulnerable--and a undeveloped person who equates vulnerabilty with weakness will avoid being or feeling vulnerable at any cost.

theres lots of reasons beyond 'he's cheating. he's gay. he doesnt like/love you anymore.' a guy with severe intimacy issues is an obvious canidate for NOT dealing with things as they come up or acknowledging issues within himself or as his issues affect his relationship. men who exist at this sub par level of denial try to skate through life always surrounding themslves with others who normalize the situation or to whom they can play on in a manipulative or cohersive way [ie..why cant you accept me the way i am..you just get mad when you dont get what you want.] they sometimes are not even cognizant of what they are doing.

emotional maturity runs on a specturm. when we are 5 years old, we may think we're smart and we may have reasons we offer for why the vase got broken or why we are acting the way we are..we argue our reasoning and can test the boundaries of any adult if we think they will go along with it. maturity continues on this spectrum but some guys dont mature, they just get older.

they do the same level of imature reasoning as a young boy, arguing their side, and being completly unrooted from reality. men who come to a relationship passionately but cool to the point of being chilly as the same types of guys who want to go to school or have a certain kind of job, then bail when they get it. they dont engage with what the goal was: landing you, because they are too emotionally imature to hold on to something they wanted; you, once they get it. dont enable these types of men.

dont stay without love that includes sex. even if a man is in a stage where he doesnt want sex, he can still show physical affection for his partner and still is capable of comprehending that a woman needs physical love, its normal for her to get it and if he wants her in a monogomous relationship he has to fullfill her needs. thats not to say there isnt a buffer of time and understanding that partners give one another if one needs a break from sex for any reason. but a man who withholds intimacy has serious issues that are unresolved in himself.

if you stay and he convinces you to normalize this problem, the energy in the relaitonship itself diminishes to zero. resentment, anger follow and are normal feelings because the man allowed, even faciliated, a perfectly beautiful love to shrivel up and die on the vine because he was not willing to take action. in turn, he hurt his partner by making her feel unwanted or undeserving of physical attention. if the energy dies, it is rarely recovered.

the solution is to step cler from the man for a few days. dont engage with him on any level. it is a wake up call these men need--the only way they value something is when they dont have it or they feel they are going to lose it. remember, part of the issue for intimacy issues is one of control. as long as stay IN the relationship, banging your head against the wall, the guy feels secure in your love and he does not have to face the painful repressed or hidden feeling that are the root of why he has checked out. as long as you are a willing participant in a man's intimacy issue, he will not face it on his own. he has had all this time to face it and he hasn't, it has problablly been at the helm of all his other previous relationships and if it hasn't, then you and this relationship may be the big one that has triggered these fears. but you need to stap clear so his sense of loss is engaged, NOT your sense of acceptance for him.

you need to tell him its no longer accpetable that he normalize a problem that is clearly not normal. that you will stay with him but only on the condition that he acknowledge something or speak to a sex/intimacy therapist about the issue. and do not go back for a few days until he understands that he cant just say he will and your there again, just like that.

remember, on the emotional maturity spectrum, these types of men are avoiders, they are very fine tuned and developed at avoiding, they manipulate to continue to avoid and they will say they'd do anything to return a situation to status qou--without any intention of follow thru. they have shirked the issues this long--it is going to take the potential fear of losing someone they love for them to step away from the tried and true tactic they have been subconsciously using for years. your job is to see your needs met.

if you love a man and he will not touch you, you suffer greatly, on so many levels. no man's problem is worth you suffering like this. you suffering does not make the problem go away nor will he ever take care of the problem for the two of you as long as you are willing--even begrudgingly--to suffer as a consequence of it. stepping clear--even as a different pain in the relationship is created--is the only way to break the steady downward spirial the man has destined your relationship for.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, jennifer2 United States +, writes (29 July 2010):

It is hard to feel loved when you are not wanted sexually. I wish it was different. My fiancee had a very high libido when we were first together. I feel that conflicts we have had have caused the rift that makes our sexlife so awkward now. Neither of us has healed or forgiven, and neither of us has a past which makes us trusting. And I feel he is depressed, since we are having a baby and I support us financially (barely). He is struggling to get a business started without much success. He spends a lot of time on the internet chatting and playing games. Sometimes he goes out with friends. Sometimes I feel jealous and lonely. I can't drink and I'm tired all the time because I'm pregnant. He says that I am still beautiful to him, but that my pregnancy makes it hard for him to have sex with me. I don't think thats the whole story. He seems to want to tease me but remain in control of if and when we are intimate. He wont let me touch him in ways he used to be comfortable with and I feel uncomfortable attempting to initiate sex because I fear another rejection. At first I tried being patient and understanding. Then I tried making an effort to look pretty. New little dresses with sexy underwear and stockings underneath. I tried watching porn with him...we watched and then still no sex(that really back fired!). He does sometimes like for me to perform orally on him but he does not climax this way. He never has, and trust me it's not cause I don't know what I'm doing. He feels wrong about ejaculating in my mouth. I've tried making sure we get out on "dates" together.I love him, literally crazy for him. My strong attraction to him makes it all the more difficult to lie there next to him in bed just looking at his body. He says I should masturbate and make it easier for him to satisfy me. I do of course, but I don't just want to be satisfied, I want to be held and loved. It has to do with a feeling of acceptance. Times we have talked about it he seems resentful, implying that I am not happy unless I get what I want when I want it. That's not how I feel at all and it hurts me that he says things like that to me. I miss how it used to be, when we were both open to exploring and pleasing eachother, when he saw me as sexy and fun. I don't feel attractive any more. When he does come around and decide to have sex with me it is nothing like it used to be. I always feel like if I do something wrong it will turn him off, so I end up letting him call the shots. It makes me feel very limited and unfulfilled. I hate feeling like I am deviant or nasty just because I want the sex life we used to have. And I feel awful that our relationship has become so estranged. I really feel that everyone deserves to be in a compatible partnership. But, God, how could I ever move on without him. I am so in love with him.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010):

He might be a sex addict, which often leads the addict to become sexual anorexic with real people. Has he been withdrawn? Has he been viewing pornography or worse? If so, seek professional counseling immediately. Good luck.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, BunnyTee United States +, writes (29 April 2010):

BunnyTee agony auntSo let's say you're not the break all bad on his ass type..to be fair I'm offering the flipside: What to try: Next time he turns you down, say fine, but I need this matter addressed so I'm sure you won't mind if I masturbate right here next to you, will you? Then proceed to do so, but slowly, make it a good performance, the addition of an intimate toy is a good prop, too. If that doesn't get him involved I think you need to check for a pulse because he may be expired. I've used this tactic myself and have always gotten excellent results and have recommended it to a few friends with your type of situation and the feedback is always a resounding "Eureka!" I've never heard of it failing. I believe it comes across to the male mind (and ego) that you're right here having sex without him and it's obviously pretty good from the looks of it. Make it count and he'll swallow the bait and the hook all at once. Refrain from the temptation to be overly dramatic, faking is faking after all. If you give it your best and he doesn't respond, I'm afraid he's dead and you need a replacement. Let 'er rip!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, BunnyTee United States +, writes (28 April 2010):

BunnyTee agony auntok..first off:I'm a gunslinger type in this, so you're duly warned. I might be considered brutal but it's honest brutality and you have no fuzzy bunny issue on your hands as it sounds.."he doesn't know what's wrong with him" is *pure* nonsense! I refuse to believe something so absurd from a presumably grown man. It's surely more accurate to say he doesn't wish to disclose what's wrong with him. Were I you, I'd require this man to own up and spit it out. If you allow and accept the pathetic "I don't know" thing then blame no one but yourself. The "love me, love my mysterious and inexplicable illness" song and dance will never get any better. If he can't be a man and step up and put out then move on, move up, and find yourself one who can. I never said it'd be easy, but when is anything worth a damn, easy?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, sad lady United Kingdom +, writes (24 January 2010):

Following extensive cancer treatment (testicular) including chemo and surgery my H (age 39) has now been told he has low testosterone althouygh his last reading was 10 and his LH levels were up. 10 apparantly was considered normal even though he has no libido whatsoever. He has to wait til next month for another test and won't be treated yet as results not conclusive. His op was in Feb09 and everything was fine with us. Before his cancer he had left us totally out of the blue saying he didn't love me anymore. During his treatment i supported him as a friend and he said it made him realise what was important and he had fallen in love with me again. I truly believed him but we didn't rush him moving back in as i was worried it was partly down to his vulnerability. Anyway he came home after his op and everything was fine. Sex was fantastic and he said all felt right again. He woudl at times cry when we discussed his leaving saying he was nothing without me and he so regretted all his actions and the hurt it had caused. He was never happy when he was away from us. The prob Aug Sep time i noticed he was starting to withdraw and become less affectionate. I knew another factor not helping was that he had yet to go back to work and was having counseling. He was made redundane last month so hasn't worked for over a year. He sat at home all day on computer whilst i worked and did everything at home. Gradually it got to the point where if i even cuddled him i felt him recoil. He told me he had low test in Nov and things have gone from bad to worse. He has left us again. Says he just feels numb towards me, can't handle kids (even tho they very good kids), hates himself, has no interest in sex whatsoever and is basically just a sad lost broken man. He knows test in affecting him but feels it won't change his feelings towards me. Says i have done nothing wrong it's all in his head. He also says this has to be it as he can't do this to me and kids again. I am devastated. Have told him i love him and can't close door but he seems so sure. He is putting a big emphasis on getting a job and i know this will help. He is under dooc and says he has been honest with her but i know he will totally resist anti depressants although to have them now would complicate his testosterone issue.

Can anyone offer me any hope or any idea whether this could be down to low testosterone? My last hope is that potential treatment might bring him back to us. he is certainly a shadow of his former self and still is convinced cancer will come back and kill him

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009):

I don't really have any advice. But I can tell you that you are not alone. I have been dating a guy for a year and a half off and on. The relationship began by him coming on to me sexually. Actually that's all he wanted in the beginning. He was in a bad marriage and he would constantly call and talk dirty to me. After a long time I finally caved and I engaged in sexual activity with him. I know it was wrong but I fell in love with him. As soon as he ended his marriage he no longer wanted to have sex with me. He says he loves me and I really believe he does. But we are basically friends. I have lost my self confidence, I feel ugly and definetely don't feel sexy. I believe he is a good man but I don't know how to continue in a relationship like this.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009):

I'm very sorry, I think he might have a secret....You need to find out what it is...

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009):

Depression is an other chance..... Guys don't like to talk about it, so its not easy, but he needs to see a psychiatrist ,if his health is ok.

It is not normal for a man in his age...

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009):

Maybe he is gay. You should start thinking of this. Because if you are attractive, as you said, and you went to therapist, and his hormons were ok, Than you have no other choice than to think about gayness, Gay man don't feel a thing ,when looks at a woman. I know it happened to me. I was in my forties ,when gayness attacked me on the plot. It is not very common, but some man, only turns gay later. And it is very sad for you. Maybe he should try it with a man and see what happens. But remember, man don't just lose sex drive for no reason, This is important for you to remember...

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009):

i think it is almost impossible to go on without intimacy ,because it turns to be a

a different form of relations =ship.

roomies, or friends, and its ok, if it is ok with you..

But please don't full yourself. Make sure it is ok, because you will regret it very much, I know

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2009):

My husband has been diagnosed with low testosterone levels. I thought this would be the answer to our limited sexual intimacy that has worsened over the 30 years of our marriage. Well, he used the cream prescribed for him for a month and had his levels retested. The doc increased the dosage to 2xs daily because the levels hadn't changed. He had complained while using the cream once a day about how sticky and uncomfortable it made him feel-he now refuses to use it at all.

I love him and know he loves me, which is wonderful, but frankly the lack of sexual intimacy is difficult for me. I struggle with my desire with no where to go with it, and though like you I believe I am attractive, I often have to remind myself of that because part of me still wonders why my husband doesn't seem interested in making love with me.

Not only am I lonely, but I also feel isolated. My female friends complain about their husbands wanting sex more often than they are interested. I smile and wonder if I'm the only woman who has the opposite problem. There have been many nights I've cried myself to sleep.

I know this won't make your situation any different than it is, but perhpas it helps to know you aren't alone.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009):

I would really have to say that I understand where you are coming from. I have been married for 2 years and the whole 2 years I have been married my husband has only had sex with me twice. I am confused because I know that marriage is not based on sex, but I feel that sex is a part of a marriage. I had known him for some time and he was a really good friend to me. I mean all the things he use to do for me before we got married he doesn't do anymore. So, at one point I started to question myself. What was it that I was doing wrong to make him not want to be with me that way. I came to the answer that I am not the problem. I asked my bestfriend, who is a guy, what would be the reason for it and he said he may be gay. He said it is not normal for a man to have access to a fine woman and not satisfy his own sexual needs. Well, I thought about that. I wondered if he only married me because it was better to marry a woman in his situation. I am miserable because I am only 27 with no kids. I mean what do I do? I have come to the conclusion to pray because I know that God has to have a reason for all of this and why it is happening in my life right now. So my husband and I are scheduled to talk tonight so whatever comes to my mind I have to tell him. I know marriage is sacred, but we as women and men both deserve to be happy with or without that signifcant other.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, bigErin United States +, writes (22 August 2009):

I am in a situation and feel stuck. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years we have 2 kids and yes I said boyfriend. He won't comit. He definatly won't touch me or kiss me. Or anything. Tonight he is on the couccouch. I feel so alone and drained I am 25 years old and have a healthy sex drive. Only to be put down, regected and neglected. I know I am decent looking at a healthy weight but to him its never good enough. I have starved myself to were I was 109 lbs colored my hair witened my teeth, wore the good bra expencive perfume and face full of make up. My boyfriend is 32 and I have been deeling with this issue with him for about 2 and a half years. I wanna leave or cheat I am literally at that point. I think he intentionally starts fights with me so he doesn't have to sleep in the same room. I can't take it please help me I am tired of this shit. I need some affection from the man I love!!!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009):

I know that this is an old question, but I thought I would answer in the hopes of helping someone in this position who reads this. The answer is not to go out and cheat or to leave someone with a medical problem and find someone else.

There is a medical condition that causes these symptoms. It is called a hormone imbalance. It can also affect women, but it has more of an affect on men because their libido is much more hormone driven. The main thing that causes this in men is either low testosterone or high estrogen (primarily estradiol) or both together. There are several health discussion boards that have many questions relating to this. It can happen to men who are in their 20s and 30s or it might not be a problem for men who are in their 70s or 80s. Most doctors also know little about it or how to treat it.

The symptoms of low testosterone in men are ED, loss of libido, loss of strength, fatigue and depression. It can also cause the hidden symptom of male osteoporosis. The depression is many times the worst symptom. This is what many times causes the famous "mid life crisis". High estradiol will also cause some of these symptoms, especially ED and loss of libido. The trick is to find a doctor who even knows what to look for or how to treat it. Even some doctors who do test a man for hormones don't know how to evaluate the results. If a guy has a testosterone level in the lab normal range then they say that he is fine. The problem is that the lab normal range is what 95% of men between the ages of 18 and 90 fall into. While a low lab normal level might be fine for a 90 year old man, it is not good at all for a 45 year old man. Some doctors don't understand this.

It has been estimated that up to 30% of all men over 50 have such an imbalance. It happened to me at the age of 62 and loss of strength, slight ED and depression were the first signs. I searched the internet for all of my symptoms and then discussed them with my doctor and he agreed that low testosterone is what it sounded like. He had me tested (blood test) and found that it was low, even though it was in the "normal" range of 250 to 1100. I was at 304 and he said that I should be at least 500 in my 60s. I have been treated for over a year now and we have things almost back to normal. the first medication didn't work, but the second one is working great. My testosterone is up to the 600 to 800 range and I am almost back to normal. My estradiol is a little too high and we are working at trying to get it lower. It is a complex issue and needs a doctor who understands it and a patient who is willing to investigate it thoroughly to assist the doctor.

Men who have this condition are not likely to be having an affair, as they are not thinking about sex. They probably do still love their wives, but have no desire for sex or affection and just want to be alone to brood. That is likely why they end up in a different bedroom. Fortunately, I researched and found the problem before I got to that point. I still wanted affection and sex, but I had no real desire for sex. My desire was from my top head and not the one between my legs. That one has now perked up again with my hormones more balanced.

For a woman to leave a man with these symptoms is like a man leaving a woman because she has cancer and can't have sex. They are both medical problems and need an understanding partner to help them. My wife and I have both gone through medical problems in the past 2 years and both of us have been there for the other.

Viagra won't help, as it only works to have an erection if the man has a desire for sex. Too many times a doctor will look at the symptoms of a hormone imbalance and just give the guy Viagra and Prozac. I was fortunate and have a good doctor.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009):

I am in a similar situation as you, the only difference is my husband has a lot of medical prolems. Its been over 4 yrs since we had sex and we wont be able to do it again. He has now moved in to his own bedroom which is hurtful, he still loves me and wants me to stay with him. However I am still young and actractive and want sex. I have met a man in a similar situation as myself and we are now having an affair, not a sordid thing, we are best friends as well and will always be. We aren't hurting anyone, our partners dont know, we just help each other make this old life a bit more bearable, so I think if a husband refuses or cant have sex, the answer is go and find another man.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008):

if he really needs viagra have him take it.

and if he dosent want sex.take charge just grab his member and give him a BlowJob and hopefully he gets hard and if he gets hard just start to have sex with him...

that may work

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008):

I am responding, not because I have advice, but because I am in a similar position. I am 39 and still attractive and most of the time my husband has little interest in sex. It used to really bother me but when I realized that nothing I did would change it (trying to talk, initiate, complain) I gave up. I just realized that I wasn't going to get what I needed from him. Most of the time, I just give it to myself and day dream about someone else (an unspecific person). If we didn't have an 18 month old son, I am not sure if I would stay in this situation. I am not sure what will happen in the long run since I believe I deserve to get the love I am willing to give. Good luck to you.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, luvy duvy United States +, writes (30 November 2008):

luvy duvy agony auntOkay...I'm thinking that it's not you...maybe he is depressed, (I'm sorry to say this) but maybe he cheated and it is messing with him emotionally causing the depression, he may think he isn't good in bed...

ROMANTIC WEEKEND

I think you should set up a weekend just for the two of you. Go to a nice hotel and set everthing with a very romantic and relaxed feel, with candles and dimmed lights,(or you can do it at home) have a very nice meal that leads to the bedroom...let him lay down on his stomach and you give him a nice massage and talk to him about why he's so tense and about what you to are going to doa(to get him relaxed and in the mood) kiss him on his neck, roll him over so he can return the favor, and soon the kissing will turn into exactly what you want...and two days of it

If he still doesn't go for it...just talk to him about it...and if he still doesn't go for it...it's possible to live a life with no sex, it just wont be as fulfilled as you would like.

(LOL) DON'T RAPE YOUR HUSBAND!!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008):

I feel for you. This must be a very difficult situation and can be very frustrating. If there is no medical reason for his lack of libido it could possibly be psychological and I suggest he will need professional help to get to the root of the problem. I don't even want to start speculating on the various options, but if he wants to save his marriage, you should give him no alternative but to seek help from a counselor.

It will not be fair on you to be in a marriage without sex. You need to talk to him and explain your needs and feelings to him. Yes, it might be difficult but not as difficult as to justify an affair or fling at a later stage.

Honesty and good communication is very important.

Once again, he needs professional help to establish the root of the problem. Insist on it, don't give him any options, for the sake of your marriage I do suggest counseling for him and then for both.

Good luck.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "My husband won't touch me, what should I do?"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.078125!