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My husband won't stop his affair. He even tells me that they're still in touch!

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 February 2006) 21 Answers - (Newest, 3 March 2011)
A female , *onfused2006 writes:

I have been married almost three years and just found out the end of November that my husband had a sexual affair with a ex girlfriend. It should also be noted that we dated before getting married since high school and he left me once before for this same woman.

When I found out he admitted to having sex with her twice. Since this time I talked to my husband and he told me he was confused and could not tell me that he would not do it again if faced in a sexual position again.

We had been going to marriage counseling but has since stopped. I did not feel it helped us because my husband could not verbally say he could end his affair. Basically we had no goal to work toward. My husband told me he had decided that he wanted to make our marriage work; that's why he felt like he needed counseling to find out where he wanted to be.

A few months have passed and I stopped talking about it. Today I asked if he had been talking to her and he replied not much but that he had called her the day we returned from our Valentine's Day trip. We went to a Couples' Resort out of state.

My question is what should I do? How can I get closure? He will not give me her phone number so I can speak with her to find out what type of relationship they have and is he possibly giving her hope that he will be with her. I need suggestions on how to find out really wants going on. Yes, the woman knows we are married.

View related questions: affair, ex girlfriend

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A female reader, karkles United States +, writes (3 March 2011):

i wrote in a few months ago, completely upset about my husband's refusal to end his affair.

in actuality, it has been a huge blessing as it has showed me the kind of low life person he is, and has shined a big, bright light on his selfish ways.

I have realized I deserve someone better and that he is not WORTHY of ME!

What kind of man goes out and has an affair b/c he perceives things to not be working out between the two of us. Wouldn't a mature, self-secure man talk about what isn't working, and at least give his wife of 27 years the decency of being honest? I say if a person does not want you, then don't want them! There are lots of healthy people out there who can talk about conflict without being phobic about avoiding unpleasant conversations. That's what growth is all about!

Think about what will ultimately be better and healthier for YOU!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010):

Hi,

I am facing a divorce after my husband has told me he has no intention of ending a 2 month affair. We have been married 25 years, and 4 months ago HE filed for divorce because he began talking to a woman whom he had met at our house for an hour and "fell in love." Two weeks later, he informed me he "didn't feel that way anymore" and rescinded the divorce after my request for him to do so. He tells me this new woman "likes him" and in the next breath, tells me he loves me. He left the house 4 months ago saying he couldn't be married anymore b/c he was in love. When we did see each other, he aways acted uneasy, nervous, anxious. Now I know why, He finally admitted he was doing things a married man shouldn't be doing. They have not had intercourse, but I can only assume they have had some type of intimacy.

I am so hurt by all of this, and angry after I helped him get sober 10 years ago and direct him to a psychiatrist for his psychiatric illness It doesn't seem fair at all that after having been a good wife and friend to him, that he just discards me. He blames me for all of the issues that we've had in our family re: parenting, but the reality is is that our kids wished I had divorced him 10 years ago due to his rages, outbursts, and inappropriate behaviors, which are related to his illness

It is giving me strength to read the entries of those who advocate get on with your life and be done with being tormented and tortured by a spouse's ambivalence and selfishness, for that is what it feels like completely!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009):

When i suspected that my husband was having an affair i put a tape recorder under my bed ,bathroom or anywhere, even in his car, and i found out so much. All i can say that he is a DOG!So if you want to fined out try a tape recorder, but i want you you might hear something you are not ready to hear and could cost you so much hurt and pain.

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A female reader, goodwoman Canada +, writes (10 August 2009):

You know the answer, you just are afraid to act on it. File for divorce and move on with your life. Is this how you want to spend your time on earth? Mirrored in pain and trying to figure out why the man is doing what he's doing? Consider this your "life lesson" in relationships. You can either learn from this and move to the next level or be destined to repeat this scenario day in and day out. You need to understand what is keeping you in this mess. You need to understand that the fear, anxiety and anger is the not knowing what is next for you. How do you pay the bills, how do you take care of your child, what is the divorce paperwork all about. Life is filled with a lot of unknowns....be the risk taker you once were (and I know you are going to say "I'm not a risk taker", but you are. You probably took many risks in life just don't recognize them as risks and take control of YOUR LIFE. Stop trying to figure out his life and why or why he does or doesn't do something. It will drive you crazy. Take control of YOUR LIFE. This you can do. Remember, you can control only those things within you. You can't control another person. Do what is best for you and your child. Stay strong and you will see good things come into your life. I know, I speak from experience. The road will be bumpy, the road will be difficult. Stay the course.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008):

This can be such a confusing and hurtful time, but here is what I have learned: If your husband can't say that he wants to work to save the marriage, then it is over. Your marriage has already flat-lined, and now it is just a matter of when do you turn off the life support. If your husband says that "he doesn't know" if he wants to save your marriage, or that he "is confused", what that means is that he doesn't have the guts to tell you to your face that it is over. Same thing if you ask him questions and he won't answer them. Also, if he refuses to give up the other woman .... not much hope there. Unfortunately, he really doesn't have any interest in a future with you, but if he seems to be dragging his feet, his concerns are probably his relationship with the children, all the financial stuff, and his reputation within the community. Too often the betrayed wife will interpret this ambivalence as meaning that he still loves her and possibly wants to work on the marriage. It's a hard pill to swallow, but the best thing to do is to cut your losses and move on. Good Luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007):

Ultimately I would say to all of you with this problem that if your husband has a problem with your sex life, or any part of your marriage, he should've acted like an adult, and had a real ADULT conversation with you about it- not-have-sex-with-someone-else about it. It doesn't matter why, if you've gained weight or he claims you don't put out enough, he should've TALKED about it with you, instead of placing himself in a sexual position with another person. They didn't just slip and fall into a sexual relationship with another person. These affairs were planned out with the knowledge that it would hurt you, hurt their kids (if any), and worse, it seems like several of you telling your stories found it out FROM ANOTHER PERSON, meaning that he didn't even tell you himself. He slept with another person once or several times, and then came back home to you and told you that he loved you, and laid down in bed next to you. This is not right. Do you want your kids growing up with a philandering male role model? Or watching you suffer silently while they don't know what's wrong? These men, if you can call them that, have clearly shown that they don't respect you, your family, or themselves enough to have an honest loving relationship. Listen, if a person is truly sorry about something, they STOP the behaviour that is upsetting. Otherwise it's all just lipservice. You all owe it to yourselves to be in an honest loving relationship, and they've already proven themselves not capable of doing that. Please do yourselves a favor and your kids and lose that 170 pounds in the form of your "husband." You said for better or for worse, and you're committed, but apparently they just took that as a guideline and chose to find better. Dump them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007):

I am in a very similar situation except we have been married for 16 years and I found out about six months ago that he has been carrying on an affair with a coworker half his age for more than 2 years. My problem is that our kids are old enough to understand the impact of divorce and I fear for their emotional well being. I have always taught them the value of family and I know this will destroy them. Dont these men even consider how their behaviour will impact their childrens lives. There are so many men out there who cannot have children for whatever reason and the men that do don't even value them enough to give them a stable loving home. All they are concerned about is proving that they are still hot! It makes me sick to my stomach. Your baby is young enough not to know the difference yet so do whats best for both of you and kick the bastard out. I need to do the same I just hope my kids will be okay.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2007):

My husband is having an online affair. I caught him once and he apoligized and said it would stop. I caught him again...same story. Now I know it's still going on but I don't know what to do. I said "for better or worse". He still spends time with me and we talk often which makes me wonder all the more why he has to have his fun on the side. I don't want my marriage to end. I don't think I could be with anyone else if it did.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007):

Its a gamble if you are in love, but you have to demand that your husband stops ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same. My husband had an affair with our au pair and after I caught them in bed twice he refused to make her leave. So even though it meant leaving my sons for two weeks i told him its me or her dont allow it to continue for one minute no excuses . I promise you , its better to be alone and happy then miserable with this going on. Find someone who puts you first not second

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A female reader, deeeee United States +, writes (19 September 2007):

I caught my hubby three years ago, in a three year relationship with a married woman. I came up stairs to tell him breakfast was served. And I got served that morning, a day I'll never forget. He was intensely writing a love letter on the net. Telling her, he hopes he'll always and forever feel this way. Well to make a long t

story short I- HIT- THE-ROOF-- crying and literally going bisurk. Here I'm cooking this creep's breakfast and he's writing lovenotes.

It's been three years and he still sneaks around, calling and going to see her. She's totally the opposite of me. I've read her nasty little love (?) notes to my husband and they are filthy.

I do not accept ANY responsibility for my hubby's actions they are all his own.

We both are intellegent people with flaws in our makeup

but we each have a free will to choose the decisions we want to pursue.

Hard as it may seem I’m still with my hubby for better or worse--don't get me wrong--I’m not stupid, desperate, and i am very good looking. But my husband has the problem, there's something wrong within him not me---he chose to have an affair-----he could have chosen not to---but he didn't

And believe it or not---I can see---a change in him---knowing i sticking around----sends guilt waves all down his spine.

It appears, he's not remorseful---but guess what

The old saying: what goes around comes around or you reap what you sow---it is true!!!

I hate to admit it, but sometimes it feels good, watching him squirm to avoid me-----

This is a good sign because--just maybe--have does have a conscience--and it is starting to eat at him

And if he's totally a reprobate, I’ll know that sooner or later. Cause you can't play double-take forever.

Peace be unto all

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A female reader, vichky United States +, writes (8 September 2007):

welcome to my world . to make matters worst i have a three month old baby girl . not only was he cheated on me, he fathered a daughter outside . i found this out from myfamily who strongly ddnt want me to marry him . until this day my father will not talk to me because of our marriage . the rest of the family came around when i had my baby. like itwasnt enough he wont stop talking to another one of his girlfriend overseas. talking romantically i mean . dont want to leave because of my baby but now i am ready cause not only he wont talk to me because i called his overseas mistress ,he told me today i got no right going trough his phone and certainly am not to tell him who to talk to or not . we ve been married for just three years now . i can t believe i trusted him and the fool begged me for having our daughter .when i think about the fact that i brought a baby in this mess , god it breaks my heart . he told me today it is okay if we separate when i told him i was leaving and he added he is not a bit scared of child support . let s see if he will say that after . lets see with which money he will be phoning and travelling to see her after paying two child support . these men are so dumb and definetly doesnt deserve a bit of our trust and love

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007):

I am so sorry to here about that and I feel for you as I am going through the same thing! But when he cheated on me he got the other woman pregnant! Somehow I decided to try to work things out and moved back in with him and while I can acceot the fact that they have a child now so it breaks the rule of "no contact with the other woman" but in way should they be as close as they are. I don't even think she knows we live together. The chat via text, email, picture mail, video clips etc. Oh yes and he does keep his phone on lock at all times. Now has passwords on the his computer profile etc. Even though she lives in the midwest their communication is very much inappropriate because it is definitely NOT JUST about their son. Anyway, recently I saw emails with him flirty with an ex co-worker and invited her to dinner! So things are about go down real soon! Will keep you all posted. Sometimes we as women just need to start think about our damn selves because these loser as men who take us for granted and cheat and lie while we sit home and take care of our children and home are no taking care of us and sure as hell were not thinking about us before, during or after they cheated... if they did we would not be going through any of this!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2006):

Pack his cloths and when he comes home ask him to leave. If he cant prove its over and be honest with you he is not worth it.Remember its his problem that he brought home to you and if it were the other way round would he put up with it, NO because men feel they have the right to do what they want. Do you think he is thinking of you everytime he phones,meets or has sex with his mistress because that is what she is in the eyes of the law.

For your own sanity and i know from experience i stayed for 3 years and the mental torture is unbearable, is that what you want.

You deserve a better man and there are plenty out there, tell him to take a hike.

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A female reader, confused2006 +, writes (9 March 2006):

confused2006 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

When I ask my husband when was the last time he had contact with her he tells me the other day. He tells me that she text him asking what's going on with our relationship. To me I think he may be leading her own to think they may be getting back together. On the other hand he tells me he want to be with me and work on our marriage. I have given him chances to make a decision but she seems to continue to pop up in our conversations when I ask if he talked to her. Yes my husband faithfully has been locking his phone so I can not get her number. I have also found parts of text messages where she is telling him she love him. I want to call her to clarify what's going on because maybe he's telling her something different from what he is telling me, maybe she does not know he is still at home with me. If he wants to end it as he claim how should we handle it. Should they not conversate, Should all three of us have a talk, Should I confront her by phone or in person, or should I let him end it but how will I know if he did. Me and my husband have talked over the past three months and seem as though we are in the same spot.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2006):

I have been going through this for two and a half years, he keeps telling me it's over and he dosen't see her but i know he is.Does your husband hide his mobile or puts it where you can't see it. my husband even switches his off at weekends because he is with me.Keep an eye on his mobile and text messages.They even have a set time for her to ring him in the office before he leaves work if i answer she hangs up and texts him.My advice, keep your ears and eyes open and make him prove to you that its over. mine won't do that for me.I wish you the very best and hope it works out for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2006):

I feel for you because I too am going through a very similar situation and have just asked my husband to leave and sort himself out. The other relationship must end and they should have no contact again with each other. When you decide what you want, sit down and talk. It doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2006):

I feel for you because I too am going through a very similar situation and have just asked my husband to leave and sort himself out. The other relationship must end and they should have no contact again with each other. When you decide what you want, sit down and talk. It doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship.

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A male reader, Uncle Steve +, writes (25 February 2006):

Honey, Take legal advice or ask this man to move out for a while until he makes his mind up. If you find he is still seeing her after a few weeks and refuses to change file for divorce. It is Called adultery and is only making you unhappy, lifes too short for that and you could find someone who really loves you, this one does`nt.

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A female reader, smeedle United Kingdom +, writes (25 February 2006):

smeedle agony auntHe is a cheating bloke and he wont stop, you have tried and he has not so get rid of him, he is not taking your marriage seriously as lets face it being married is commitment to one partner, he is not and never will be, he wants to act like a single man so cut him out of your life and let him go.

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A female reader, sumgirlediting +, writes (25 February 2006):

I feel for the situation that you are in . Bad for me that Im on the other end of a relationship where the man that I am dating has been living with another woman for 6- years . He tells me that the romance is no longer there for her but he hasn't ended the communication with her at all. She still comes and goes into his house as she pleases. I spoke to her twice. The first time she called me cursing me and our seven-month old son. The second time I called her to get more understanding about what they have going on there. I t only hurt my fellings more and showed me how he was lying to the both of us. I believe that you talking to this other woman wont help a thing. If you think about it she is just as confused about his feelings for you as you are about his feelings for her. Being the other woman I have seen that it's rare for the man to leave what he has and go off with somone he's not sure of what the future will hold. I often think that I should have another man and sit back and see how he likes that but my feelings for him tell me not to do it. However, as I think more and more about it I say F**k that bastard and it's time to do what I want for myself. I have opted to not talk to hime for a while and when I'm ready I know he'll be more willing to listen and understand how feel. You think about it and if you ever want to talk to me I'll listen

Peace

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2006):

You are clinging desperately to a man who doesn't deserve your love and committment. Don't waste you time and energy talking to the woman he's been boinking on the side, hun. It'll only serve to further upset yourself and cause you pain. Your husband made a promise, in front of god, to love and honor you in marriage. Now he has broken that promise. You have a monumental, painful decision to make. Do you remain with him or do you go? You already know what you'll have, if you stay in this marriage. There will be turmoil, torture, heartache, self-doubts and deep, deep hurt, everyday. If you want to keep your marriage together then you need to forgive him and accept the situation, as is. Can you do do it? If you can-you are a much bigger person that I can ever hope to be. But, if this isn't how you want to spend the rest of your life, then you must be prepared to walk out that door and jump into the future, the unknown, without him. Become strong and develop yourself and your life so you are not to so 'focused and centered' on this man. Do something for you. You need to experience the empowerment of seeing what life is like, without him. A single, independent life can be very rewarding for a woman..especially if she fully understands that she is and will remain a beautiful, 'whole' person. So...do you stay or go? It's your decision and your life. Isn't it time to lay claim to that, again..your life? I wish you the best, stay strong, re-focus yourself and make a decision that makes YOU happy. Good luck.

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