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My husband won't french kiss me, why?

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Question - (2 July 2008) 58 Answers - (Newest, 2 October 2013)
A female United States age 41-50, *ontegobay09 writes:

My husband will not french kiss me at all. He did when we were dating we have been married 5 years I can count on one hand the times he has kiss me. It is usually just a peck on the lips or cheek. Even during sex he doesnt kiss me at all. He has only ever performed oral sex on me one time and the he has a big problme with touching me intimatley. He has never touched me with his fingers or his hands. He gets discusted by it. He has no interest in sex at all. We havent had sex in 2 1/2 months. He isnt having a affair he just doesnt want it. I showed him in the bible that is wrong by holding out he should be putting his wife first and stop being selfish and self centered. I have begged him for two years to get some help and he gets so mad at me and refused to go to the doctor. I am so frustrated myself. I am in a sexless marriage with a husband that wont kiss me or touch me or have sex period. please help me I am at the end of my rope. NOw I am being to resent him and I am very bitter and unhappy and right now I hate him. I am only 40 yrs old and he is 50 yrs old. He is making me live like I am 90 years old. When I do try to kiss him passionately he pulls away and says I have to go or I am going to bed and stop holding his head. Right Now I do hate him and I have been putting up with this for the last 3-4 years.

Please help me. I have tried to be very understanding and approch him and be kind now I am done with that no more no mORE

thans

View related questions: affair, oral sex, period

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A female reader, sara1981 United Kingdom +, writes (2 October 2013):

Every thing you have said is exactly the same with my partner but im 32 and he is 50 it must be that age but there must be somthing we can do about it?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013):

I married a man who I was totally into in every way possible. About 3 months into the marriage he started wanting anal oral and penetration. Then he started wearing knee high stockings to bed. I found all sorts of porn on his phone and magazines etc. He never kissed me and spent all his time w porn. He never wanted sex w me and only wanted me to please him orally and anally. I have left him now because I found out he was on sex hookup sites online. He moved another woman into the hpuse two weeks after I left. From what I have seen online (she posts her every thought) they are not having sex either. Im thinking he is ruined by all the porn or he is a closet gay in denial. One of these things may be your issue as well, nobody knows but him. I hope things work out for both of you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013):

I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I think our culture is way too fixated on relationship status.

If you are in a relationship just to be in one with a guy who shows you know affection, well it is time to get a wake up call. There is a straight forward book called He's Just Not That Into You, and that can happen with men women are married to. Go get that book and read it, and then dump this dude who will not show you intimacy and affection. On the same token, stop expecting all your validation to come from the intimacy a guy can give.

Buy a sex toy and learn about self pleasure. Read erotica books and work out. Eat healthy and take long bubble baths. Your self-worth is not contingent upon what a dude wants. If you think your boyfriend or husband is not interested in sex, it is time to back your bags. If you are okay with a sexless marriage and want a brother as a roommate, then the above scenario might be okay. Otherwise, get real and move on. Divorce is not the end of the world, but read that book and figure out how to find a guy who likes you for who you are.

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A female reader, Ms.B2U United States +, writes (1 May 2013):

http://site.themarriagebed.com/problems/desire/spouse-wont-have-sex

Here is a quick link I found that looks informative.

And THANK you Cupid for not cutting off my reply with an unannounced character count. Every blog I have been on the past two weeks has cut me off and the thing is, they don't even bother to give you any type of warning until you hit the post button and THEN they tell ya how many character #'s you've overtyped!! How REFRESHING !!! Can't say THANK YOU ENOUGH !!!.............

This is very informative page after page. On the bottom of page is blue links to take you all through the therories of development into adulthood.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

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A male reader, VOID Portugal +, writes (26 December 2012):

my thoughts:

I don't like kisses (french kissing is disgusting for me).

And i have told my wife that before engaging in a more serious relation.

She knew my likes and dislikes. but... from time to time she "demands" some sort of kiss, and that really annoys me! because that was something she knew before (i don like to kiss).

We dont argue or something like that over the "kisses" but it leaves me feeling that i'm not normal, or not behaving in a normal way, i dont tell her this but i feel the need to distance my self every time she has those needs.

That however doesn't mean i don't love her, i do.

my advice: dont judge or jump on conclusions, try to understand him, speak with him. dont just demand those things. "i like..." "I want..." ... sat down and have a conversation.

True love doesn't rely only on sexual interaction... thats lust or hormones. Because sex will "die" out eventually with age. and if your relationship relys only on sex then what's left ?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012):

Just thought i'd share my thoughts im in the same situation but oposite role my husband is the one who wants to be kissed I dont like having sex with him or kissing him I refuse to do it and the reason why is because im falling or have already fallen out of love with him kissing is something,you do with to show affection,and love and when ur unable to do it well thats a red flag now I know for me I always assure m him I love him n want to b with him but then come the excuses to y I wont b affectionate I dont,cheat but I do conversate with other men and sometimes wish I was single y be with him u ask well because its convenient for me to be with him and because im not too good with being alone but if I do find a guy good enough to leave him for I will I mean I still love him but im not in love with him I know it sounds mean and heartless but its the truth and I thought maybe I could help by giving you the thoughts of someone on the other side hope it helps

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A female reader, PepperInlove United States +, writes (9 February 2012):

So sorry.. Can be serious. I had the exact same problem your having. I lived 14 years in my marriage not feeling sexually satisfied or even wanted sexually. We're now divorced. And every year I stuck it out hoping and praying things would change. He professed his love for lot. I knew he loved me. I'm not saying my problem was the same as yours. But my husband is gay. And only gets turned on with voyeurism . Good luck. Hope all works well for you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2011):

I have the same issue

im not married just going out with a boyfriend of nearly 2 year

he never kisses me and every night i go to sleep cuddling him and i wake up and he is at the opposite side of the bed not facing me like iv done something wrong

he never wants sex when i have never refused him and have been rejected by him so many times that i do not ask anymore

when we do have sex when he decides he wants to, rarely, the foreplay equals "want to have sex?" i either say no n carry on unsatisfied or say yes which i do

sex is fully clothed as much as can be

he loves me body and touches and bites it all the time.. erghh

dont mind too much least it means he likes my body

but yet doesnt kiss me, doesnt want to look at me.. my face.. during sex so clearly no kissing just squished by him whos marginally overweight and he pleasures himself then says "done" which i have learnt now is my cue to go to the bathroom and clean myself

enter back in the room. no cuddles. no touching. he needs to be far away from him cos hes "hot"

the sex is shit

n iv generally always had good sex with past boyfriends

hes the biggest yet the worst i believe

he acts like he hates me. im pretty sure he does

i dont know whether hes having an affair or what.. he doesnt really have time cos i see him a lot n then he works n has not a huge amount of spare time

he calls me a lot n "jokes" a lot.. fatty, slut, cunt, slag n my favourite fathead which was the name i was bullied with since i stopped being fat n unfortunately have a round face, which i cant get rid of easily unless i go disgustingly underweight

does he hate me?

is it an affair?

should i end it?

he treats me like shit all of the time

he doesnt drive

i am a taxi for him

everybody says im way out of his league n say i can have anyone i want.. not to big myself up but im not bad looking.. people generally use me for my looks yet in this case he doesnt even use me for looks

so why do i put up with it

affair??

i kinda hope it is otherwise its me n im sick of blaming in all the time on myself

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011):

As women we are so naive. All these alarm bells that seem to only occur once married, if one actually thinks back, were probably all there to begin with.

I met my husband online. We met in person, were friends for a long while, there was a clear attraction. Then we had sex. It was weird at the time, but now when i think back it was dead awful. He seemed very interested in me, but never ever held my hand, or touched me. We then formalised the relationship and dated. For 3 years we fought about the lack of affection I felt, and he blamed it on me. He says kissing gives him heartburn, and he feels that there is only a need to be affectionate when he wants sex. I do not recall when last he kissed me with tongue... and even when he has, it has been for a max of 10 seconds during sex.... never, ever in all the time i have known him has it happened outside the bedroom. He will never ever hold my hand, or come near me in public and walks way ahead of me, saying i am too slow for him.

If I express anything upset, he will automatically take the side of the person i am upset with, or attack me for my interpretation of the situation. He runs down everything I say or do and makes me feel completely stupid all the time. I then stupidly accepted marriage a year ago, thinking perhaps his catholic upbringing will only allow him to perform all these "affection" related issues when married. Well, a year down the line and here I am typing this at 1am in the morning, crying my heart out, because nothing has changed, and I have no one to turn to. not even an hour ago, he rolled over in bed, "fiddled with my boobs" for 3 minutes then went straight for the bottom.... foreplay is a waste of time for him... when I refused saying that I felt it unfair that after almost 3 months of NOTHING, he thinks he can just expect i from me... he turned over and told me to shut up and refused to discuss it! I feel nothing anymore! nothing at all. If I never have sex anymore it would be better than what I get. I have positioned myself that I fall asleep long before him, so that I don't have to roll over whenever he wants it! I have tried to bring some character to our sex life by actually making a noise, responding with some sort of expressive communication, but he will just hump me silently with zero emotion, and it takes him 2 minutes and then he rolls over and goes to sleep. He does not even do the heavy breathing, dirty talk, kissing, NOTHING! it is just WAM BAM THANK YOU MAM! oh and dare I think I deserve a cuddle afterwards... geesh, am I a selfish wife then!

I hate my sex life. I keep thinking I am the one to blame here, but when I think back to my past relationships, the sex was always brilliant. How could I have got it so wrong this time??? how on earth did I land up marrying a guy, raising 2 kids with him, and now I am trapped. I am so miserable and angry all the time, frustrated even, but not willing to settle for feelingless sex. I don't wish this on any woman. It is the most soul destroying thing that one could ever go through, and if you are not necessarily miss poster girl (like myself), you spend your entire life wondering if it is because of your body and your looks... that you perhaps revault your husband! but then it begs the question, if that is the case, why marry me in the first place?

I know my husband is in love with his ex wife still, as well as having had some sort of emotional relationship and possibly even physical relationship with his ex boss... both look similiar... blonde, thin, attractive, workaholics. Ladies, a man who cannot show affection has issues, just dig a little deeper, you will find that you are not the problem at all.... I have found out too late. My damage is already done!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011):

I have a disgusting skin condition that look just that, disgusting. My husband won't touch me AT ALL! I acquired this skin condition 4 years ago and it is undiagnosable. I even went to a University hospital and ALL the doctors say I scratch my skin till it splits open. This is NOT TRUE! It just ulcerates anywhere, even the middle of my arm. My fingers are really bad, but I have those under control for now.

My husband won't kiss me, won't touch me, won't HUG me - nothing. HE is afraid of catching this disease, whatever it may be??? I sleep out in the living room in a recliner because we never did know if it was contagious or not. It is not contagious as we have had doctors tell us we live in the same house, use the same bathroom, I handle his food, I do his laundry, etc. If it were contagious, other members of the family would have caught this as well.

BEFORE this skin condition, he HATED French Kissing or kissing me down there. HE LOVES GETTING THAT DOWN THERE!!!!!! I used to HATE it, until I met him after I divorced my ex. I HATED my ex and it disgusted me to do that to him. But my husband now, I love him SO much, it does NOT disgust me in any way, shape, or form. HE WON'T return what I do for him. When we 'used to make love', there was NO kissing. He wouldn't even open his mouth!!! Guess what attracted me to him the most??? OUR FIRST KISS WHEN WE WERE DATING!!!!! I NEVER had a kiss or kisses after that like that!

Now because of this skin condition I am SO angry I won't even sleep in the bed with him! I sleep in the recliner, as I said, in the living room with the TV on all night, every night. Sometimes my skin breaks out more than other times. The FEW times we attempted to have sex, he laid on his back and did NOT move. He just LAID THERE LIFELESS! He got excited, but "I" had to do ALL the work. "I" got NOTHING in return because I was SO insulted! I tried it a 2nd time. SAME thing! He wouldn't even LIFT AN ARM!!!!! I am NOT 'that' gross! But I SURE feel like it!!! "I" have ALWAYS been the one to initiate sex. He has NEVER initiated it! NEVER! When we were dating, it was part of our relationship, and we just spent so much time in bed watching TV because we were tired anyway, we ALWAYS had sex! Up to 3-4 times a week!!! NOW, NEVER!!!!!!!!!! I told him out loud I would NEVER AGAIN initiate sex. Today I played a trick on him. I started to talk out loud about if he were busy after he was done doing what he had to do. I did it in the 'sex' questioning voice. I have always had to ask him if it could be in the plans for later. Then I acted as if I got distracted and had to run out of the room. When I came back he asked me what was I going to say. I said I completely forgot. I told him it would come back to me later. I'll think of it. I let him think about it for about 5 hours. I KNEW he was wondering!!! I was cleaning the house, sweating like a pig I was SO busy. I stopped in the middle of vacuuming and told him "I remember!!!! I was going to ask you what you wanted to do for dinner! He answered in monotone 'Well, we could do this or that . . . He never mentioned he thought I was going to bring up sex!!!! I am ANGRY, SOOOOOOOO ANGRY AT HIM!!!!!! What sex do I get? All because of a skin condition??? Masturbation!!!! OH BOY! I CAN'T go without the REST OF MY LIFE!!!! HE WON'T initiate it! Why should "I" be the one EVERY time to BEG for it???? I REFUSE!!!! I AM ANGRY!!! I don't take it out on him. I do make him suffer though! If a sex scene comes on TV, I change the channel!!! If we are watching a movie and kissing or sex comes on, OFF goes the movie!! I say out loud "Well, that just RUINED the movie!" One time I told him he was liking seeing what he was seeing. He was and agreed to it. I told him to bad because it is GONE! GONE!! GPNE!!! You are NOT watching it! You don't GET to watch that stuff anymore!! Ha, ha!!! How do you like that? Honest to God, that IS what I said! I make him suffer for refusing me. Yeah, going down on ME????? 3 TIMES????????? I am SOOOO clean! I shower EVERY time before we have EVER had sex! I shave and everything. He could NEVER find ANYONE like me to have the hygeine I do! NEVER! Yet he lays there and won't LIFT A FINGER! I honestly love him, otherwise. I just have NEVER expected this! He has been jobless for the last 2 1/2 years because of the economy and has been in school to better himself. He graduates in May. "IF" after he gets a job, THEN HE WILL BE TO TIRED!!!!! ALL THE TIME!!!!! I already KNOW what would happen!!!! I don't know what I am going to do. I figure I will keep acting like this until it comes to a head FOR HIM!!! When HE gets upset. LET HIM get frustrated!!! It WILL happen. At that time, it will be addressed further, but NOT until THEN! IT WILL happen, I guarantee it! But, HE has to ask ME why! I gave up and I told him so, and he KNOWS IT! So . . . I make him suffer! He KNOWS it too!!!! For me, it's a game! For now. I will give him till he gets that job JUST so I know if it is because he feels depressed. Once he feels better about himself, I will see if ANY type of affection comes back??? THAT is the BIG thing. If NOT, then it is MY BODY! MY SKIN! Then, I will talk to him SERIOUSLY and tell him I CAN'T live without SOME type of affection. NO human can live WITHOUT SOME TYPE OF AFFECTION! No, I don't have a pet to love me! HE does!! Hew has the dog. "I" think I'm ALLERGIC TO THE DAMNED DOG! I DON'T deserve to be treated this way! I am human. He kids around with my young teenage son about you can always do it in the shower, and the soap helpsm, because my son is obsessed with sex. So, I KNOW that is what my husband does. WHY? WHEN I AM RIGHT HERE??? This MUST STOP! Or I AM going to leave! No, he won't even give me a PECK of a kiss either!!! NOT ONE PECK of a KISS! What happened to that kiss that made me fall in love with him on that very first date? And ALL the sex when we were dating? It's the old saying of "Want to QUIT having sex? Then get married!"

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A female reader, keephope United States +, writes (12 January 2011):

Okay, well here is my view on this.. I married a gay man and we have 1 child and another on the way.. i believe that a my husband married me to have kids and a normal acceptable life by others.. we have great sex but he has never kissed me passionatly and when he has tried he stops.. i think it grosses him out, also he has only had oral on me 1 time and does not touch me sexualy anywheres on my body.. its getting old and i feel like i am missing out on the real excitement on being inlove.. he has also told me that he is not inlove with me.. i feel incomplete sexually.. but only i can do something about it... leave..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010):

I am not sure if this helps you or not. I have the same problem! My husband won't french kiss me or passionately kiss me at all. I tried for the lst two years of our marriage, n' he just finally got angry and said he hates french kissing, he hates my tongue in his mouth. It does hurt ones feelings when "we" as woman need to be tenderly shown affection and foreplay. I get none of any of these things. I feel for you, because I am getting angrier by the day and more frustrated and I feel like I am not important (actually it putting me in a deep depression).........Both, you and I have a hard row to hoe, sorta speak........Sorry...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010):

Wow - This is really eye-opening! I too feel so rejected. I am beginning to become resentful of my wife. About 8 months ago she had an affair (housewife home all day with my young son - found time while I was working hard). After I confronted her and found out we have been trying to work things out for the past 6 months. She says that the passionate part of her died when she made her "decision" to stay with me. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment that she stayed with me or be appauled. Anyway, we have had sex since then, but she became pregnant either right before the affair or in the very beginning of that and is now in her eight month. She will no longer kiss me and always turns away. It urks me to no end. I love my two sons and would never want to lose any time that I could with them, but I don't know how long I can live in a passionate-less relationship. I have tried to work very hard on my end, being there for her, being more romantic, more compassionate, helping around the house more (which I already did a lot) and just showing her more attention than anyone should have to. When is it my turn? when am I not going to have to be the one to innitate everything and if I am lucky it goes anywhere? I did go to counseling with her, but then she said it didn't help so I ended up going alone twice. My counselor told me basically I am a great guy and that I tried to do everything I can and why would I want to live with someone like that. I love her and my children ... that is why, but mostly my children and the companionship. I am really hurting for attention, love, lust, affection, and sex. Any advice on how to help her become more passionate (mildly of course since she is very pregnant) but she should still be passionate and loving, kissing, holding, enjoying each other. It doesn't have to be all about sex, just affection and true love. help, I am going nuts!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010):

Same boat. Gay couple. Together 20 years. Started out fine. I've always been more sexual -- but understand that people are different. Once a week was fine with me. Even when it got to once a month. When it started going for month after month with no sex -- that's when I started getting upset. I tried to communicate --first by myself with a therapist -- then inviting my partner in (he agreed to come to help me with "my problem" -- because he's fine with no sex -- so -- no problem. Eventually, it escalated to me screaming (which we NEVER do -- hardly EVER fight at all -- so it couldn't go unnoticed) at him to go to the doctor and get his hormones checked. He basically ignored me and I just sort of gave up. For the longest time I thought it was me -- trying to diet and exercise -- make myself more attractive -- but no matter how good I look -- and there are MANY people who would love to have sex with me -- no reaction. Sometimes he did it to accomodate me -- which I appreciated -- but that gets old after a while -- having to ask -- or remind him all the time. So, I gave up -- and we haven't had sex since. Probably a year now. Before that -- maybe a few times a year for the past five or six years. He's been out of town a lot recently and people ask "you must really miss him" -- and, in a way I do -- but although I love him in my heart -- I tend to need a physical intimacy to "feel" loved -- I think he loves me -- but hard to say. Don't think he's having an affair. He just doesn't want it. We still kiss (not french kissing) and tell each other we love each other all the time. There are hugs -- but it feels more like hugging my sister. Tonight I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around him. I felt him tense up and pull away. It broke my heart. It's getting worse -- not better. He refuses to talk about it. It's my problem not his. We've been together so long. Our lives are so combined. My financial and social well-being would be completely thrown off kilter. But, I don't know what to do. I wonder if he wants me to have an affair! Just so he wouldn't have to be bothered. I just don't know. It breaks my heart.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010):

Ask your husband's doctor to check his testosterone level and the sooner the better. Low T really does affect his sex drive and just about everything else including personality and health. Oh and when you start to feel the same way, (they don't call it man o pause for nothing) have your hormones checked too. There are replacements for both. good luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010):

My husband rarely french kisses me. It's weird because I remember us kissing alot n then after a few weeks he made a comment about how I like kissing a lot. I just thought that was natural. When I met my husband I'm married to now I had been divorced for a year from a man I was a high school sweetheart with. We had a great sex life, kissing all the time. Even though I've told my husband what I like he tries but mostly forgets. But mostly I think there have been underlying issues. My husband has anger problems that we have fought with before we got married 3 1/2 yrs ago that excellerated in Jan of this year to make me fear my life to leave him. He is now in therapy n on medication. We are together now n I am supporting him wholeheartedly. He has been diagnosed explosive personality disorder/ bipolar. The meds make him want sex alot less but at least I know now he's aware of my feelings. His anger level n patience with things has changed so much. It's a complete turnaround! I may not get the kissing n lovemaking like I want right now, but that's ok because he's working on making himself right. He knows what I have done in the past n will do for him so he's really trying to prove himself- n he has!

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A female reader, Gord United States +, writes (20 July 2010):

Im 24 my husbands 30 we been together 8 yrs he doesn't tell me he loves me he doesn't kiss me he's just always mad I don't know why men r like that he tells me he will never change it's sad n I'm always loney we have 2 kids but I don't know why he is the way he is so I guess even the older they r they all act da same I always thought I was the only person with a weird husband

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010):

Like some have already mentioned, when a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife is not intimate with the other naturally (unless there's a medical or some other high stress issue), the it probably means that the person may still care or love you as a person, but is not 'in love' with you. (There are generally other issues such as nit picking, verbal put downs, etc... that may accompany the relationship.

Some people are not brave enough to end the bad relationship due to different reasons whether it be children involved, they do care about the person and their feelings, they may be scared of the unknown, or because they are afraid of the unknown (to be out of their comfort zone or not know what would happen) or they may question whether or not they are making the right choice. Marraige and feelings can be very complex.

*I loved once when I was younger, and in all the years we were together, my love for that person never ended. He broke up with me years later (he didn't love me the same as I did him), and it broke my heart severly. A while later, I met another boy who I started to like a lot (not as much as the first boy), but he lied to me and ended up hurting me.

After that, I put a up a wall on my emotions, and ended up just settling for someone who cared about me, and although he was nice, I did not love, was not in love with, nor was I attracted to him what so ever. Actually, he disgusted me and I have always been ashamed of being with him. It's SAD, I KNOW! It's a long story, but I just settled for the wrong reasons.

To make a long story short I wrongfully married a person I was not interested or compatible with what so ever. There was never and never will be a any connection between us. He's a 'mentally slow' person who sceeves me and always has. He needed a mother, and that is what I am to him. I have no equal partner. Only about 10% of the time... that's about all. So we do not kiss, he tries but I avoid. It's disgusting to me and makes my stomach turn because I am just not in love or attracted to him. It's not his fault, he could find someone that would be ... it's just that we are not a good fit.

Ok, I'll explain a bit ... I had rough times when I was younger, moved around, got hurt too many times, then lived a year as a senior all alone in a new neighborhood, not knowing anyone and when my now husband came along 20 yrs ago, he became a companion and someone that was nice, he liked me and I knew he wouldn't ever emotionally hurt me.

That's totally wimpin out and boy I was stupid. I never looked at anything to be permanent, I didn't look to the future at all. I was young and dumb. We only married so he could get health insurance and because his mom was sick, we rushed it. It was done at the courthouse on a weekday so my friends wouldn't be there, and I didn't even tell a couple of my old friends at all due to embarrassment. I knew that they knew that I didn't love him.

One thing led to another, how did it all spiral out of control??? I don't know.

Although he never cheated or left me .... we don't scream or fight as he's very passive and quiet and I never say anything that will make him freak out, so I don't say ANYTHING to hurt him, ever. I hold it all in.

We are on very different levels, he is gross, doesn't take care of himself hygenically, he's moody, usually mute and has many nasty, bad habits that I have to deal with daily, rotted teeth, etc.... he's slow, so he's clueless and is always forcing me to be intimate. So, maybe if he had better hygeiene it would help?

So you see, I can't express how I truely feel to him due to fear of hurting him and he freaks out like a baby and has threatened to take his life should I ever leave him.

So, I've been trapped in a my own prison for which I created for myself a long time ago with little hope for an end. However....maybe someday, it could be any day that my life will change for the better and that's the little thing I keep telling myself over the years to enable myself to wake up and get out of bed each day.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that some of you that typed your concerns for your loved ones not being intimate with you and my first love got like that with me and although I didn't want to admit it, I did sense that his feelings weren't the same as mine. He ended up breaking it off with me and I cried for 2 months straight and to this day, 20 yrs later he'll always have a special place in my heart (yes, I still run into him on occasion), but I believe that it's mean't to be because I never truely liked the way he treated me, and he became a heavy drinker which I wouldn't have tolerated like his current wife does. (His wife is very similar in personality and looks as me!!!, wierd, ha).

There may be other reasons either stress or medical ... and although it may be hard, maybe you should come right out and ask your significant other if "he or she is "In love" with you. *They may says yes whether they mean it or not, or they may say no (if they say no, remember, that they probably do still love you in a special way).

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010):

um...i have ready many of the painful stories....and feel sad for the sad women. im married n was a virgin wen got married. my husband was a virgin too. i have no sex problems with my husband. im not american so dont know the real culture but i can tell u that being rejected by your husband has some what your own unbridled desires. sex is not everything. its just a part of marriage. men have a strange phsyche...they like to love women not being loved specially wen it comes to intimacy. wen u r leading, specially sex thing, he believes he doesnt have anything thing to do himself. show him ur ego, show him attitude. he will come after u. its a simple principle in life.."if u run after somthing, it run ahead". so keep up ur self esteem and don't let your ego sway.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010):

I'm a guy, and the real definitive answer is that he is just NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU ANYMORE. He loves you as a person, but that's about it. So stop searching the internet to find answers, because I just gave it to you. I think in your heart you already knew, but it's just hard to accept. Don't let it get to you though, there are many fish in the sea. So, shut down your computer, and go find yourself a new man! And no, you don't need to ask him, he'll just find an excuse, you're better than that, stand up for yourself.

FYI - I have had this feeling with many women before. Guys are just too lazy or too afraid to say anything. Trust me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010):

I have been married 25 yrs. I met my husband when I was 20. I married him at 25. Sex was wonderful until the day we said I DO & He said I Don't. He rejected me the day we got married and the pattern was sex every 4 to 6 weeks there after. I spent years being rejected in the bedroom and ending up on the couch crying my eyes out. We 2 didn't face each other during sleep. If we did have sex it was on his terms only Sunday morning,,,,,,no kissing or oral play, just the actual act. We ended up adopting 3 children after going to infertility and finding out there was nothing wrong with either one of us.....just not enough sex. I lied to infertility doctor out of embarassment on my chart of when & how many times of sexual intercourse. Then it turned into a lie that I couldn't have children and then another lie that my husband had a water skiing accident prior to marriage that caused him to not have children. I went along with the lie. I finally left him 15 months ago and he continues to tell me we need to work on it and doesn't want a divorce. I meta wonderful man that full fills all my needs but I'm afraid to commit all the way that he will change if we ever get married. I have trust issues now and have had multiple plastic surgery from low self esteem. Even though I am 50 now I get alot of attention from men in their 20's on up. Life wasn't suppose to turn out this way. I loved this man & still do. I'm in therapy to try to get whole again and like myself. I feel like my heart will never heal & why did I stay sooo long? Because I truly believed it could be fixed and he loved me more then anything. The last month he finally wants to go to therapy along with me because he is afraid to be alone. He is OK with me being in the house with no intimacy....just knowing I'm there is enough for him. I still love him which makes it the hardestthing Ive dealt with in my life....then I think why after all the rejection. Through therapy I found out he is incapable of showing any kind of intimacy because of his childhood with his mother. He never learned trust and with no trust no intimacy of any kind. Wish me luck my divorce goes through next Monday and he's really trying to manipulate my heart & emotions. Rejection is like a knife through your heart.

Lonely Marriage

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010):

Wow, with no offence intended, I wish I had that problem "right now"! I am a husband that has just had a blow out with my wife regretably on her birthday last Friday. We have had problems in our marriage prior to this possibly beyond belief. Long story short,now I have to earn my way back to nearly any kind of kissing let alone french or the kind we "both" use to enjoy prior to marriage.And prior to the blow out,I wish my wife would have to beg me for sex. Sorry, good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010):

To the last person commenting: The problem is that it's not just "sex" that these people are talking about. It's making love and intimacy. I believe that a couple needs romantic kissing and sex to remain in love. Well, I am in the same boat as you all though. So after 5 years of marriage also, I don't know what to do. The problem is that we have two young children. That changes things. I too am deeply painfully hurt each time I am rejected. He gives in for sex, about every 2 weeks (of me begging for it), but no kissing involved. (just a peck hello and goodbye each day) He just says he has a low libido. I wouldn't think making yourself kiss someone you supposedly love would be so difficult. I am 33, & know that I could find someone else that would love to kiss me and have sex with me if I choose to. The problem is that he is a good husband/father in every other way. I love him, but am becoming angrier every day. I think, if he refuses sex and kissing, maybe I should just stay with him and date other men to get my needs fulfilled. But I know this is not right, nor could I do it. I don't know what the right answer is. These are just my comments. My advice would be that I don't think this issue in a marriage ever gets resolved. So accept it or find something better (before you have children).

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010):

There is more to life than just sex. I am 38 and I have been married for 16 plus i dated him for five. Yes, only one man. I love him for who he is and all he has done for me, He is a great dad, a great provider, but sex and all was never that passionate. I had great expectations because he was my firts one. I do not know what I am missing. I know when I was dating him he french kiss me a lot, but once we got marry not so much and now never.....Many months go by and he won't even touch me and if he does is just for him and it takes two seconds. He does take medicine for depression, but sex is horrible. I love him for other reasons and my kids adore him. I might never know what is like to love a man.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010):

I'm in the same boat, my wife won't french kiss me even when we have sex, she doesn't like foreplay anymore, but still says she loves sex??? When I try to talk to her about she just turns away and says "the rules are we don't about those things!!"??? It seems she just wants to have an orgasm and get it over with!!!!

After we got married over 20 years ago the sex got much less frequent and intense and then when she made me get a vasectomy (after three kids). She said we would have sex more, well it's actually been MUCH LESS and it's been much less intense, it has been downhill since then, no foreplay, oral, kissing just intercourse and that's pretty infrequent...!!!

I guess we just play cards we're dealt, I don't think there is much we are going to change....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010):

Sweetie, I don't know how else to say this, but he may be struggling with his sexuality. I was in the same situation for years, and my ex-husband finally came out as gay. Keep your eyes and ears open, and protect yourself. There is a great book called The Other Side of the Closet. Once you start to read other people's stories, you might be surprised to see some incredible similarities to your own.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010):

I couldn't believe that when I read this story, I felt as though I was reading one of my own letters I wrote to a friend regarding this very problem. I too move in for a kiss and my husband turns his head, and or pushes me away. I still need sex, so we have sex without kissing. I have been married for 3 and one half years now, and it is bleeding my heart out even thinking about not kissing passionately with him. I just want to make out, make the windows steamy, get wet for him. I have asked him why? and there really isn't an answer. I am thinking about leaving him. I can't be with a man who doesn't want to kiss me. and, yet here I am. With this man who doesn't realize the psychosomatic sickness he is creating within me. Every time a romantic kissing scene comes on in a movie, I get a stabbing pain that goes into my heart. I truly believe I have a broken heart. I don't mean to brag, but I am an attractive 26 year old brunette who could just as easily have new relationship within a month. But that's not what I need. It's too bad that the one person whom I have connected with the most (out of all of my other relationships) doesn't want to kiss me. What a tragedy!!!

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A female reader, lonely no more United States +, writes (16 January 2010):

Your husband obviously has intimacy issues, they are his own. I was married to a man for 20 years, who for the last 10 did the exact things you are describing. It was extremely hard to leave him as I love him dearly, but I love myself more. Please get out now while you can still spend your life with somebody who treasures your prescence, respects you and your feelings and most of all, someone you can trust. There is no trust in your relationship or you would have already had a dialog (COMMUNICATION is KEY) discussing this and many other situations that arise AND come up with a compromise to boot! Please seek help for yourself and trust yourself first. If you came here, you already know in your "gut" that this is wrong for you, listen!!! Your "best partner" will show, even if it is only your dog who offers friendship. TRUST ME~ I have been there and you cannot fix him!!! He needs professional help, as do you for allowing this abuse into your life and keeping it there with a marriage. One more thing, I read recently that really struck a chord with me is:

"Lend yourself to others, but give yourself to yourself." You are a gift, "don't waste the pretty" on someone who does not appreciate or want the gifts you have to offer. Have you ever read "He's just not that into you"? Well, he's not, so move on while you still can. You will be so happy you will not even believe it. Freedom to love is liberating. If you are with the right partner, you will be free in your love too. I can attest to this also. Please, love yourself more~ you are too special to wait for his changes to take place. You can always return, if you must, but I bet you won't. I know I can not go back, only forward is growth.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009):

I have the same problem although I feel lucky in a certain way. I am a kisser, always have been but my husband is not. I do have to admit that I get a peck on the lips when I leave for work, come home from work and before we go to sleep at night. Those three kisses I can count on but they're just quick pecks, sometimes not even on the lips. I have told him that I would love to really be kissed. The only time he does this is occasionally when we have sex, not even every time. I've explained to him that it makes me feel more connected to him. He has also given me the excuse that we're not teenagers. I realize that but I do remember having more fun and passion as a teenager than I am now! That's not good! He never puts his arms around me and you can forget any type of cuddling after sex. He refuses! When we first dated he did this stuff but only for a few months. He says he just doesn't feel comfortable being that close to someone. He won't even face me in bed at night. He doesn't like to touch me and he tenses up when I hug him or kiss him or grab him in any sort of way. I don't know what to do either! I know he loves me but he doesn't show me in the way that I need. It's sad because the when I want to feel save and loved now adays I visit my grandparents because they will hug me and make me feel safe and loved. That's sick isn't it? I shouldn't have to rely on my grandparents for that. I've told my husband this and he just really doesn't seem to care. He just blows me off. I'm getting tired of it. We've been together for 4 years and married for 2. If it's like this now, how's it going to be in 4 more years?!? I'm scared!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009):

I realize that you are hurting and I am sure the pain is real. What you have to realize is that everyone is different, however, everyone wants someone to love them for who they are. Your mate is either mentally or physically sick. They are ashamed and need someone to love and understand them. I you will forgive them for the lies they have told and the deception that you have encountered, and learn to love them for who they are you may find that in the near future things will change. Contrary to popular belief, sex is not and should not be the basis for any relationship. Sex is a appitite like eating and sports. Some do have a greater appitite than others, however, all appitites can be controlled. Please don't throw away good relationships for mere appitites!

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A female reader, HelloKitty234 United States +, writes (11 August 2009):

Well all I can say is that I'm sorry about what is going on with you and that I hope everything would be normal again. But as for me all I can say is I never had that problem my man love to kiss me and have sex with.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009):

It's amazing how many people have the same problem! It's a problem for me...but clearly not a problem for my partner, husband. I haven't taken it personnaly yet, but it's really annoying and hurtful. He claims to hate the germs and is afraid of getting sick....he has no problem performing oral sex though. I find that a bit strange, but I'm not complaining. I keep hoping those kisses will come back as the rest of it's pretty good.......still have to wonder why and not happy about it. I do believe in prayer and it's okay to pray about kisses from and for your husband and expect help and answers.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009):

Get out as soon as possible! Don't make the same mistake I did. 28 years with husband with E.D. He can't deliver one way and has never offered oral. Happy to accept it though. Get out!! Get out!! One orgasm in 28 years! It doesn't get better. It gets worse. Save yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009):

I got married at 20. I'm 24 now. When things started, my husband and I had a fairly normal relationship. The farther things have progressed, the less intimate he has become. The kissing died first, followed by sex.

His issue with kissing seems to stem from his reluctance to have oral contact with anything another person has had their mouth on. He will not drink from a glass I've used, nor eat a bite of food from a fork I've used without washing them. He will kiss me on the lips, but it's always a closed mouth kiss.

We've had discussions on the issue, and he swears it's not due to a lack of intrest in me. He says he simply is uncomfortable with open mouth kissing. He occasionally offers to perform oral sex, but I rarely pursue the issue. I'm not certain, but I'm sure he only offers out of obligation.

Sometime after the kissing faded, our sex life in general died. Initially he used stress as his reasoning for not wanting to be intimate. As of late, I have quit seeking physical attention from him. It's become too hard to deal with the pain of rejection. And while this is probably not the best solution to the problem, I have found a lover. He and I meet randomly when we can both find time in our schedules. We talk, eat lunch, and make out.

I know this can't go on forever, and that I will either have to learn to deal with a sexless marriage or find the stregnth to leave. Perhaps it's selfish, but I feel as a young woman, I'm entitled to a passioate marriage.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009):

I really wish I had an answer for you. I am sitting here crying my eyes out from all of the rejection I have delt with. When my bf and I first got together, I felt like he put me first. We didn't make out, but if I tried to kiss him, he didn't pull away. Now he barely allows me to give him a peck on the lips when I want to, but gets offended if I just don't want to go through the motions when he leaves for work, etc. I don't want the facade of passion, I want the real thing. I feel so hurt, rejected, and ultimately angry. I ask myself constantly why I am with someone who makes me feel so unattractive. I almost feel like he is in love with love, and I just happen to be the one stupid enough to fall in love with him, not the relationship. He talks about being with me forever, but I refuse to live the rest of my life without feeling like I am the only person that matters. I am only 24! He says he wants to be married, but how can I marry someone who will shy away when it comes to the " You may now kiss the bride" part?! I don't want to feel that hurt in front of my friends and family. Tonight I will try one more time...one more time and then I have to make the decision. Can I really live the rest of my life without passion??

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009):

Wow, I couldn't sleep and crazily came looking online for some explanation as to my wife's behavior. I found this posting and I can say I totally empathize.

After many years of incompatible sex drives (I want it twice a week and she only wants it after I get pissed when she doesn't seem to remember what sex is after a month). So this conflict of sorts goes on and it has almost driven me to seek an affair just to get satisfaction - but I just couldn't go through with it. I really don't want anyone else - I want my wife but I wonder if she really wants me. She says she enjoys sex but her actions somewhat speak otherwise. It is always and excuse like stress, etc - which I totally understand but come on, we all have stress but it does not mean you give up taking care of each other.

So tonight I asked her gently about why she would not kiss me last time we made love (it really had been bothering me). She said I take the lack of sex too personally and worry about it due to low self esteem. The answer that really stabbed me through the heart (when I asked her why she wouldn't kiss me) was "I am not a teenager anymore...".

Something in me just died. As if the woman I was hoping would always come around IF ONLY I made more money, or cleaned the house better, or got everything done that was frustrating her, or or or ....

But with that simple answer I could see that she will not change and maybe never was the person I was hoping she could be. Maybe it has all been my own fantasy that we could ever be "truly" in passionate love.

When I am mad or frustrated about her putting passion low on the list of life's priorities, I try to look at her (literally) and focus on how beautiful she is and how much IO really want to be with her - but that leads me to want to be intimate which invariably gets rejected (consciously or unconsciously).

We have three beautiful kids who I love more than anything and can't stand the thought of ever breaking apart their lives by leaving their mother.

So I can't sleep and and broken hearted that the woman I love can't bring herself to kiss me because she is "not a teenager anymore". And the really, really, really sad part is - she will never change because she is not the personality type to look internally for problems and admit she is one side of a two sided relationship that is not perfect. There is always an excuse and a long winded nag fest about why things are not passionate. "IF ONLY I wasn't stressed, IF ONLY the kids didn't take up so much time, IF ONLY the things around the house were taken care of more, IF ONLY IF ONLY IF ONLY...

IF ONLY she would have realized that WE were more important that a new kitchen floor. Now I don't know if she is even exciting to me anymore. I resent her and I hate myself for saying this but I look at her and I see a cold bitch who is like a robot without emotion and doesn't really need a man. She likes the idea of a man as a functional thing for family gatherings and such but she wont give an inch to a man and let him be "the man". She wears the pants and gets pissed if I ever try to put them on.

I have tried so hard to be patient, romantic and kind but I resent it when it goes unnoticed.

If you have an ounce of love for your spouse - kiss them - I think it means more than just a kiss - it is more personal than sex because you are looking right at the person and accepting them fully.

If you don't want to lose your spouse, you had better decide if your anti passion stance is worth it. Because I can guarantee you that if your spouse is unsatisfied - one of two things will happen (maybe both) - ) right or wrong they will cheat 2) and/or they will resent the F#$k out of you for stealing that from their life and you will live in agony and resentment through fighting, etc.

Tonight I am sad that I think I (for the first time) have discovered things will never change and I do not know what to do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009):

I was very shocked to see there are so many people out there who go through the same stuff I do. We have been married for 16 years but my husband will not hug me, kiss me on the head, cheak, nothing, hold my hand, or show any other form of affection. It has been like this for about 12 years. Sometimes I am so lonely for human contact but I guess that is the way it goes because he says he is not going to change. Our sex life is no existant.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009):

I have been married for 23 years and my husband has kissed me maybe 10 times and thats because I complain to him. I have put up with it all these years and now I am wanting something more in my life. I am 45 years old and like you said living like I'm 90.

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A female reader, Melin United States +, writes (22 May 2009):

Melin agony auntI´m only 24 years old, my husband has never ever kissed me passionately. We´ve been married for 4 years and we have a cute little boy. He is a good man and cares about me but I have never been really happy with him, thinking about divorce is so sad but i can´t waste my youth and just keep on living a life like this forever. I always dream and think about a ´´mystery man´´ . I want to look for him , I believe that my ´´soulmate´´ does exist and I will look for him and wait for him. I married to a wrong man .

I´m sorry i do not have an answer for you.

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A female reader, grits27 United States +, writes (24 April 2009):

My husband and I have been married for 21 years.For that length of time he has never passionately kissed me.I have tried everything to get him to kiss me and he just won't.I'm just about at my wits end.I apoligize for not answering your question but I thought maybe you'd like to know that you're not the only one.If you like to talk sometime I'd be more than happy to hear from you.PJ

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009):

I actually dont like being french kissed by husband. It turns me completely off. I dont mind the "kiss" and foreplay but when he tries to french kiss - I lose interest. Not veryone knows how to do it the way you like and can be a total turn off for sex if they dont meet your expectation.

There are some that a kiss/french kiss alone can turn you to jelly.

I love my husband and sometimes the brain knows what it wants and it is not anyones fault.

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A female reader, Azkadelia New Zealand +, writes (7 April 2009):

Oh my goodness this is such a wake up call.

I stumbled onto this site looking for some kind of answer to my problem which is that I am going through what some of your spouses are going through don't get me wrong I still love sex and frequently but just in the past few months I have been shying away from kissing on the lips anywhere else

I can handle just not the lips and I was looking for others or an explanation but instead I found all of you and I hate to think that my partner will end up resenting me because I love him more than anything and I am seriously attracted to him but lately whenever he goes to kiss me I feel crowded and uncomfortable like I can't breathe and he is invading my space and I don't want to feel this way, I used to really enjoy kissing and I can see that it hurts him when I pull away.

Though I can't help I can say its probably got nothing to do with you and your partner probably feels guilty for the way he feels.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2009):

I'm sadly in the same boat. My wife, with whom I've been for over 20 years, stopped enjoying French kissing. We have fought many times on the subject (which doesn't make it better). . . . she won't kiss me even when we make love. Seriously, it has been over a decade since we 'made out' and this is something I miss terribly. She used to enjoy it with me and with others before me, but it no longer holds any appeal for her. We also went through a rough patch sexually, but that has gotten a lot better- we make love at least once a week, and often twice. This is not as often as I would like, but not too bad considering that we have 4 young children.

Even though I love my wife dearly and treat her very romantically (I write her songs and made her a bouquet of origami flowers for our 20th anniversary). . . the thought of living the rest of my life without kissing makes me VERY sad. If I found myself in a situation where another woman wanted to kiss me, I can't say that I would resist. It has been SO long! I want to feel desired passionately, but my wife no longer makes me feel that way.

Sorry, I can offer you no advice. . . only empathy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009):

my husband and and I have been married for 16 years, and he doesn't like to kiss me passionatly. We on have pecks before work and at bedtime. Even during sex we don't kiss. I desire so much more. He won't kiss anywhere on my body during sex it's like a turn off for him. Just to let you know that I know what you are going through and I feel for you. I just don't have the answer. Sometimes, I want to leave my husband, but we have 5 kids and a life together. Its not that easy for me. Sorry I couldn't help.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009):

Wow, I am so relieved to know that I am not the only one in this predicament. My husband has been this way since his return from Iraq. Neither of us believe it is PTSD. He started getting to be this way shortly before he left anyway. Here lately, it has been getting worse. Last November, we both decided to try being intimate with other couples. I know, it's not the most Christian-thing to do, but in all honesty, it seemed to be working at first. I am a very sexual individual, I always have been. When we started with other couples, his drive increased also. It was fantastic. We had a lot of fun with the other couples, but the sex we had afterwards was explosive, like we used to have while we were dating. We fell out of being with other people, and it seems like his frustrations of satisfying me are back again. He's deploying in just 2 months. So, I want to be sure he doesn't think I'm going to leave him due to these problems we're having. Unfortunately, we had a very bad arguement the other night, and I dropped the 'd' word. I can't continue living like this...always feeling guilty for him not pleasing me, or making him feel bad about it, or him being so insecure that it drives him to thinking I'm going to cheat on him. This is so hard to deal with. I love him, but why do I have to be the one to suffer guilt-trips, when I'm not doing anything wrong?

If anyone has any ideas, please let me know. As you can see, we are open to just about anything.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009):

I have been married now for nearly 30 years and have had the same kind of problem with my own husband. I'm 47 and he's 50. I always thought that I fell for him at first sight, but I wonder now if he ever loved me in that special way. I have asked him two or three times recently if he was gay and he denied it. I doubt that he is though cuz I know he loves women. He has pushed me away so many times when I tried just to kiss him that I stopped trying. I now wonder if it is worth being in a relationship with this man when I want for so much more. He loves me I'm sure, but I don't think he's IN love with me. I dont feel it. Good luck to you as I am still unsure what to do. I am thinking of leaving because it is affecting me both mentally and physically.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009):

I know how you feel too. My husband is completely un-interested in sex. At first he blamed it on a medication he was on when we first got married. After he got off of the medication he says he is too stressed out. He has never been interested in kissing me, even a little bit, which I guess should have been a warning. We have only been married for 3 years and it just gets worse. Weeks without sex have turned into months. Once in awhile he will be with me because I have bothered him about it. But then he's done for the rest of the next several weeks.

I'm having such a hard time. I'm 28 and I feel like I have so much 'sexual' life left...yet I have nothing to do with all of it. I have lost weight, I'm looking great and still nothing. I even thought maybe we would try dating and being intimate in that way. He won't even do that. I know people twice my age enjoying themselves and I feel like I could deal with almost anything but this. It is a passionless life and a hard one. What are you supposed to do? I'm at a point where I don't know what my next step is. I'm glad you posted though...at least I know I'm not alone in this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009):

Well, I don't know what to say either. I was searching the topic, because my husband he's very caring and loveable but the problem is he don't satisfy me at all. Our sexual relations last about less then 20 minute and I can't reach to have an orgasm. I'm a very creative person in terms of sex, but he is not all into that, sometimes we can last about a month or more without having sex and the thing is we both are young he is 24 and I'm 22. I feel like I'm wasting my younger years with a person that cannot be passionate and I cry a lot because of that. When we do it, it just right to the penetration, no kisses, no cuddles no nothing, I can count with one hand how many time he have given me oral sex. I like to do it to him but he don't let me do it the way I want it, he grabs it and hold that's it, so I just gave it up and decide it no to do it no more. We barely kiss and do stuff. I just wish that one day he gets from work and do all the stuff I would love.

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A female reader, wounded_05 Australia +, writes (20 February 2009):

I wish I could be of some assistance - but I am in the same boat. I have been married to a wonderful man now for almost 4 years. He is a wonderful Step-father to my children, he is thoughtful and very affectionate with cuddles.

We've been through hell & back in four years, but I found out in Janurary that my husband has always been this way.

For me, kissing is EVERYTHING!

It is so much more loving, cherishing, tender and intimate than sex.

My husband is rather rough in that sense and I really quite like it...but there has never been any balance.

It's all his way or no way.

I'm up for the second night in a row crying my eyes out. Four years is a long time to wait for some soft loving & romance. I have the love of my life in the next room, my health has been given back to me...yet I will ask for a kiss and be ignored, he'll turn his head away, give me a cuddle...anything so as not to have to kiss me.

I can't remember the last time there was any connection during sex, now we don't even have that...

I am so lonely. I just wish he would take my face in his big, beautiful hands and kiss me, softly, for hours...

He has kisses me a few times here or there but it has been akward for him and must have come off looking like an old 1940's screen kiss from the movies.

This is a need, for me anyway. I don't know how much longer I can go on feeling so rejected, unwanted...he has never really been able to give himself over emotionally and I am very emotional.

So, where to from here?

I wish I had answers for you - but I am sobbing as I write this because I know how much you must be hurting and I am sorry

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2009):

Wow, words are not enough to express how I feel for you. I am in the exact same situation. I was looking up this subject online, and that is how I can across your posting, praying for some help. I too have even shown it to him in the bible that it says it is a sin to withhold affections that are supposed to be between a husband and a wife. I will pray for you. I know how you feel. I too am looking for advice. I feel that these affections are something totally natural and that 2 people who are in love should want to express intimacy. For so long I hav blamed myself, my problems, my weight, anything I could to make myself feel like it was because of me that this was happening. My husband is so passive about it or get angry. If I try to kiss him he acts like he just remembered that oven is on. I'm starting to feel more and more that staying with him is keeping me from FEELing the love of my life and keeping him from the same. I will not tell you that you should leave him, I will only ask that you talk to God and ask him to exercise HIS will on you and to help you roll with whatever he has in store for you. If God is with you NO ONE can be against you. Thank you for sharing your experience. I found it encouraging...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009):

I have been married for 6 years, and my husband and I went through the same thing a a year ago, he had this problem for about 2 years and about a year ago I cheated on him because of the frustration and anger and rejection that I felt. He found out that I was cheating and he started listening to the problem and trying a little harder to satisfy me. I don't know why it was, but I'm guessing it's because of many other problems that we had in the past, and he was feeling a little bit like I didn't love him either. I was always upset, and everything he did wasn't good enough. See if maybe he you are being not so nice too him during the day and that's the reason he doesn't have the desire to kiss you. And much less anything else.

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A female reader, tracyface United States +, writes (4 February 2009):

It sounds as if your husband has the whore/madonna complex. This is devastating for you and leaves you full of rejection.

He most likely had a good sex drive when you were dating then once married or you had kids it jsut died. This is a man who loves you and will praise you...but the thought of sex and intimacy disgust him. He has probably told you the more you ask the less he wants it. He will tell you that "it's not you...he just doesn't want sex with anyone. This would be a lie. He still does have desires and fantasies...just not with you. He views sex as bad and dirty and therefore does not want to subject you to that. He puts you on a pedestal. He most likely pleases himself instead of making love with his wife. you are his wife...he would not want to do that to you. Most men eventually have affairs with women the polar opposite of their wifes

( madonna ) the women they have sex with are viewed as bad

( whores).

The man who suffers with this conflicting duality of women need counseling to make the connection to his childhood and why he views women and sex in this manner.

I am sorry you have to deal with this as it is very painful.

Please get counseling for yourself if he refuses to go with you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008):

Where is he getting his sexual gratifaction from? He must still have some desire, he is not dead afterall........there is a disorder called compulsive masterbation and it does kill sexual want and need for a human partner.

Perhaps you should observe a little if you can figure out what is going on since he won't be honest with you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008):

I have empathy with you; not a very good situation to be in; very frustrating and most annoying; I am sure deep inside there is a lot of hurt and feelings of rejection; now all the frustration; anger; bitterness; it is not good or healthy for you;

I suggest you have a serious talk to your husband; he needs to know how you feel; he needs to know, that unless you both get professional help, the marriage might be over;

You will have to give him the choice to either get help or otherwise, you might have to move on;

I don't think it is realistic to expect that you must live without the intimicay of sex; your frustration, anger and ultimately bitterness will destroy you and whatever else is left in the relationship; I can understand your feelings, but you will have to pay attetnion to it.

If he is not prepared to get help; I suggest you move on;

do not waste your life away!

Best wishes; hope you can have this resolved soon; take care of your health and your life!

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A male reader, Uncle Sneaker United Kingdom +, writes (2 July 2008):

Uncle Sneaker agony auntThis is difficult, because there's a very good chance that he does love you deeply. He simply isn't into all the physical stuff, and some people just aren't or just go off it. The urge for sexual intimacy that most of us have isn't there for everyone.

It may be that the best you can achieve is to find alternatives to satisfy your needs, and I DON'T mean have an affair.

However, it may be possible to awaken the desire in him, but it may well take medical assistance. If he won't go to the doctor, then it's probably worth you having a word with the doctor to get some ideas of what could be done.

Alternatively if the problem is more that he just doesn't want to and doesn't understand why you need it, then that's a little more complex. More difficult still would be if he has somehow got it into his head that it's wrong or "dirty". You can try concentrating on love and closeness rather than emphasising sex, and with a bit of luck sex will follow, although it sounds as though you may have already tried all that.

You mention that you have pointed out what it says in the bible. If you are both religious then it may well be you could speak to your vicar/priest or whatever and ask him to have a quiet word with your husband. Some of them, surprisingly perhaps, are very good at this and, as you say, most religions stress the importance of a physical relationship in marriage.

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (2 July 2008):

rcn agony auntBelieve it or not, there are some guys who are turned off, not just because of the sex act, but because sometimes it's down and dirty.

Sex can be the greatest level of intimacy reached in a marriage. When saying "I do", doesn't give a pass to quit having sex or making the other person feel important.

It sounds like you two need to sit down and really discuss these issues. When doing so, remember, he has his reasons, and so do you. Talk in a way that neither one attempts to invalidate the other persons reasons. Each person finds importance in their beliefs. Try to understand the other person, then come to a compromise that works for both of you.

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A female reader, lexilou United Kingdom +, writes (2 July 2008):

lexilou agony auntHe seems to have a very low sex drive and not all guys like all the sexy stuff and foreplay, everyone is different and if he is uncomfortable about it and you nag at him it will only make matters worse. Maybe he has been brought up believing sex is dirty, a lot of people are and if affects your whole sexual life.

What about sex counselling? Would he go for that? If not then only you can decide whether to put up with this or leave him and move on so you can be happy. Some may say sex is not the be all and end all but I think its pretty darned important and if one of you has always felt differently about sex then it will always cause problems. We all have glitches from time to time and one may feel more sexual than the other, thats normal too but it sounds to me that he has never really satisfied you fully in that department.

I have broken up with two guys who were perfect in every other way but we were sexually incompatible and I knew it could cause problems in the long term for me, sex is very important to me and when you are frustrated in the bedroom it spills over into every part of your relationship eventually.

I wish you luck x

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (2 July 2008):

It sounds like this guy really doesn't like you any more. Ask him if he's still in love with you. You need to sort this out, because you can't go on living with a man who won't even kiss you. Kissing is the best bit!!

Would you consider walking out for a little while? Many men don't realise what they've got till it's gone.

Good Luck!! xx

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