A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello and thanksI tried writing in before but can't seem to find my question.My husband is very popular, and 10 years younger than myself. His friends are a huge part of his life and I knew that from day one. Sometimes I do get a bit annoyed because he supports them financially most times and their around alot especially one of his friends. He is single and doesn't leave much. I have told my husband this does bother me. He tells me I don't understand because I have a different culture. He does become angry with me and gives me the silent treatment. Is it wrong for my husband and I to have quality time despite our culture differences? I dont feel I'm over reacting. If I complain he tells me to stop it or he will bug off and it really bothers me. I also found something a bit disturbing to me and I'm afraid to bring it up because my husband dislikes questions. My husband is on his cell a lot as well which bothers me at times if i say something it's the silent treatment as usual si i don't say much anymore about it he believes he is the head of the family. He was on social media and his friend came by and they went outside to talk and i looked at his messages. I found a guy saying he likes my husband and asked if my husband is gay, my husband replied, " no I'm bisexual ". Those words are ringing in my head ever since. Now i keep thinking the one Male friend that he is extremely close to that perhaps there is more going on i haven't yet asked him and I'm scared to. I have talked about bisexuality to him and he seemed agitated and changed the topic. Another thing that is bothering me is when we first were committed it was an online relationship. We decided to be exclusive and I found out later I was the only one exclusive from pics of mutual friends on Facebook. He was seeing a woman 3 months into our relationship just before I came to first meet him. I was upset about it and confronted him. He said he wasnt sire if we would ever meet so that is why he did that. Someone that justification just still is in my thoughts. The way it was downplayed.There was one time he was separated from his friends for 3 or 4 days and he began crying and I asked him what was wrong and he mentioned they had a disagreement. So he is very close to them and I cant say anything about that. I'm wondering what I should do? Also how on earth can we talk when he gets angry then dismisses me and gives me the silent treatment ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2018): OP, you have an asshole for a husband. He likes to live the single life, while forgetting he's married. His passive aggressive behaviour means he is telling you that he'll do whatever he wants and tough shit if you don't like it. He's controlling and manipulative. You didn't know who he was when you married him. His true colours are now showing. He won't change. In fact, it's only going to get worse. I think he's cheating.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (19 October 2018):
 I think I'd be getting my affairs in order and seeking an attorney. This situation sounds very dicey. If you don't trust your husband then why stay? It sounds like he gives you many reasons to feel insecure. No one should have to live like that. Good luck just make sure you are looking out for YOU
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (19 October 2018):
 You quite obviously don't trust your husband, which makes me doubt the long term viability of your marriage. I have to say, in your shoes, I would have called it a day a long time ago (probably one of the times he threatened to leave when you tried to voice and discuss your concerns). Giving someone the silence treatment and responding to requests to discuss the relationship by threatening to leave is immature and shows a complete lack of respect and commitment to the marriage. My gut feeling? He is pushing you to the point you will call it a day and leave. HE doesn't want to call it a day because that will make him the "bad guy" whereas, if YOU walk out, he will get sympathy from his friends and family and the situation will reinforce his "good guy" image.
Ask yourself a question: is this how I WANT to spend my future? Or do you want more for yourself? You are quite obviously unhappy with your marriage, and understandably so.
In your shoes I would weigh up how much longer you want to be treated with such a lack of respect, get your finances sorted and leave him to his friends (whatever their true status might be).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2018): I am pretty sure he IS cheating as why else would he go out of his way to tell someone else that he is bisexual? I mean, I don't feel like it's something a married person would feel they have to announce unless they were actively looking or having other partners. I mean, I wouldn't identify myself as straight, gay, bi, or anything else if I am already in a relationship, because TAKEN becomes your new status. Sure, the other parts of you don't die, but I don't think its likely he would even bother discussing it unless he was saying he wanted to act on those impulses.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2018): Dealing with your age difference is always going be a challenge in your marriage; considering the gap is by a decade. Your relationship began online; so I take this to mean that perhaps your courtship was primarily an LDR; and connected by online-communications for the most part. That's pretty much the deal these days.
When your husband speaks of culture differences; would he mean by reason of a generational-gap or his national/ethnic origin?
I can't help but believe your marriage is full of hind-sight and afterthought.
You didn't spend a lot of time getting to know the man you married, by spending actual real-time together. Would I be wrong to suspect that you had a very short courtship and engagement, and lunged right into marriage? If you deny every word suggested in my post, and declare I'm totally off the mark; your post would certainly give me a good argument to the contrary.
Off the mark or not, it is what it is; and he's your husband now. You snooped his phone and opened a can of worms regarding his sexual-orientation. You take issue with the frequency and duration of visits from his friends. You also have a list of reasonable suspects; but only circumstantial evidence that he's involved sexually with any of his friends.
The problem now is, what can you do about any of it?
Everything is now coming to light that you could have avoided; if you only knew this guy before you both tied the knot. You've got some pretty tough obstacles to overcome; starting with his sexuality. Completely hetero or bisexual; if he has a propensity for cheating, you'll never really establish trust. You have no evidence of cheating. Just that his friends hang around a lot. So the jury is still out on that.
I am gay, and have straight married and single-male friends. Surely their wives or girlfriends suspected at first; but got to know me, but always trusted their men. So their concern was about my intentions; not whether there was anything to worry about regarding their menfolk.
Considering we're all a happy bunch, and have been so for years; I think they know my friendship is purely that. I've got a rich hunk of a man of my own! I'm financially-secure, and I don't need anything from anybody. So I come with no ulterior-motives. I just happen to be gay, and they don't feel threatened by it. So having gay friends doesn't mean you're sexually-involved. Being bisexual doesn't mean he's cheating. It means he's sexually-fluid. If you are in total objection to that; then a divorce is your option.
Getting back to how he treats you. The silent-treatment is a very effective passive-aggressive tool; because it closes-off your ability to voice any objection to his actions. It ceases any open-discussion on what ails your relationship. It gives him uncontested power. In a sense, he controls you by shutting-down; thereby negating any dispute, and avoiding arguments that force him to compromise.
Giving himself freedom to do exactly as he pleases. Being an adult, you can't tell him what to do. However, being powerless in a what is supposed to be a partnership; you've been demoted to a silent-partner, and he's the boss. I'm sure his buddies are partially behind this; and they caucus to find ways to neutralize you for their own benefit. He gives them money. Can he afford to be so generous? If it causes no problem for your household financially; that shouldn't be an issue. Keep your bank accounts separate, be that the case.
There really is no marriage or partnership here. Your marriage is on paper only. Who earns the most money and pays most of the bills? Would that be you? He seems to be overcompensating by showing-off. Going out of his way to make you feel helpless, and emotionally at his mercy. This happens often to successful women who earn more than their husbands. So he has to gain some sort of advantage to soothe his ego, and impress his male-friends.
When you're in a marriage where you're just allowed to live in the same house, and there's very little physical or emotional interaction between the married-couple; you weigh your options, and seek legal advice from a divorce attorney.
You should also get some counseling; the frustration can wear you down psychologically.
It appears that he has made it perfectly clear; he isn't going to compromise under any circumstances. His friends have the run of your home; and there is a big question-mark over his sexual-orientation. Way too many questions to establish any trust whatsoever!
I see little room for negotiation, mediation, or compromise.
I can only see divorce as a possibility. Unless you two come to some sort of unusual understanding. I think your younger spouse might have pulled the wool over your eyes. You didn't fully evaluate, do a background-check; or do a full personality-assessment of your partner when it mattered. Before you said "yes" to his proposal! You got along great online; and he's probably very attractive, and a true charmer. He surely doesn't seem like marriage-material now!
Even if you don't decide to divorce him; you should still get some legal advice, because your marriage sounds very much like a sham. You need to get your assets and income in order. Try and maintain whatever you had going into this marriage; if you are a financially-successful woman. If he's a mail-order husband from a foreign country; you should have seen this coming!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2018): I am so sorry but it sounds like he has a double life. Please get tested and try therapy. If he gets mad so much, maybe it’s time to go. You don’t want to waste the remains of your youth. Men age slower than us. Leave on your own terms.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 October 2018):
 Cultural differences can be bridged but not sexual orientation and lifestyles. I mean, bisexual people can be faithful just like anyone else. Your husband is simultaneously having relationships with other people behind your back. He was either financially used by his friend or that his friend refused to have an affair with him since he was married. His silent treatment is telling you he is not changing his ways. I wondered if he married an older woman because you are well established in your career and he's able to spend as much as he could. You didn't know him well before you agreed to marry him. While you were still having trust issues you got married. It seems like many men don't want to get married but for the ones that do, watch out because there must be an agenda. He disregards your feelings and don't talk. Perhaps the only thing you can say is you won't tolerate secrets, shady behavior and the marriage has to end.
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