A
female
age
22-25,
Pumpkin Spice
writes:My husband will not stop looking at porn. i have asked him to stop but he does it behind my back. when i catch him he turns the argument around on me. i am a heavy woman and i am trying to lose weight. it hurts me because i believe he thinks i am not attractive. how can i make him understand. before it ends in divorce
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): In marriage, you present vows of trust, love and faithfulness before God, your friends and family.If it is stipulated anytime before, or during the marriage that one or both partners feel that viewing porn is an act of betrayal in a partnership, or breaking of the marriage vows, then viewing porn, whether in secret.. or right up in your partner's face is absolutely cheating.It is no longer simply picking up a Playboy magazine or glancing at a naked photo online, NOW it is live chat, live webcams, and the "ability" to pursue a relationship with someone you are viewing in an intimate manner. If you are going to view it secretly and get involved further than viewing, then you have lost the value and trust in your marriage. My husband has more covert operations embedded on our computer than the army navy OR marines. I have learned every aspect of how to find and retrieve embedded files, documents, shared folders, locked sites, direct mapping,links, temporary operations, dos operations, videos, cams, gateways and shared accesses.He has burned out three hard drives from viruses planted while he was viewing hard porn..he is now into subtle, soft porn because he nearly lost me last year..and his heart can't take the stress anymore.In my marriage, it is not a question of, IF I am satisfying my husband sexually..he is totally satisfied when we make love..it is however, his selfishness and self interestin pursuing this activity, almost the day after we make love which is eroding our marriage.He overcame alcohol and has not touched a drop in over eight years.For some reason, he cannot see that viewing porn is just as addictive.I don't care if you are gay, straight, bi-sexual or non-sexual, this DEVASTATES relationships and is JUST the same as running around off-line witha hooker or your next affair.My husband does not "value" me because he won't changehis behaviour.He places this crap above our marriage and if your husband or wife or lover is doing this too, then use your intelligence to get out of the relationship or seek help.Stop excusing it as your poor sex life, or he needs this because he has more testosterone, or you aren't really an attractive person, or it is just "normal" male behavior in relationships.It is immature, and very screwed up thinking, and needs to be addressed by a therapist or a divorce, whichever comes first.Just so I am not misconstrued in anyway, let me repeat, the above applies IF you have placed vows and stipulated preferences, or rules INTO your relationship.If you are single, anything goes, screw whoever you want to, look at porn until your eyes pop out, catch diseases and get pregnant all you want to. You are single!If your partner accepts it, perfect, great, more powerto you, love it, dig it..live it..However, when you place vows before God and other people who love you, you have a responsibility to listen to..respect..and value your partner and whatthey tell you "hurts" them...emotionally.If you turn from these things, you turn away from your marriage or loving partnership, placing yourown self-interests before them.I would like to walk back into the church where we were married and present this mess in front of God, our friends and family, to see exactly what their reactions would beJUST to be sure I am not being "frigid" or "controlling" which seems to be the "reason" most often given for women (or men) who are "upset" by this kind of behavior. The bright side to this ongoing situation, is that when I do catch him at it..he actually admits it and says he is just looking a little, which is better than the outrightdenial and lies he gave me in our first year of marriage.It is an ongoing game of which I am exceedingly tired of...it drains the energy from me and my enthusiasm for him as the man in my life and my lover.To an alcoholic, "drinking a little" leads to a complete binge later on.To the porn addict, "looking a little" leads to online communication which leads to possible off-line contact, (come on, it isn't that far of a leap)..Everytime I find him viewing it..I have to weigh how much, how long, how hard core, and how bad I feel about it and this is what my reactions are based on.By no means does the partner of the porn addict haveto be submissive in this scenario.Keep documents, copies of all images you find, all chat room activity, all websites visited, all files.Take them with you whenever you decide you've had enough and want any of the following:1. An uncontested divorce2. Peace of mind..3. Your spouse to go to a pschologist or marriage counselor.The documents you hold are walking proof of infidelity in your marriage.Use them to your advantage...whenever you've had enough..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): You are correct, that this a form of cheating. The only problem is that he is probably addicted and will lie but will not stop. The only thing that can be done is to do something to him on a regular basis that the despises and and finds distasteful. You will feel better if there is equal dilemas going on. Make sure that it is something that is good for you and that you find great pleasure in, maybe something that you gave up for his sake. This should balance out your feeling of being cheated. Get even. Enjoy.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): To DianaLynn:It has been suggested here that looking at porn equates to infidelity, and that the correct way to handle this issue may be to ban all married men from looking at pornography.As a man, I think I have the right to be a little shocked about these suggestions. If you don't see these ideas as more than a little bit draconian, then perhaps you'd feel differently if we let men ban certain habits of women whenever we don't particularly like them. Maybe reading romance novels should be equated with illegal infidelity too?
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female
reader, DiovanLestat  +, writes (17 July 2008):
 Hi dianalynn,
I really wasn't going to respond to this post, because I feel women with views like this need somewhere to cry their troubles out. But do you notice that only two men have responded, it's not that their afraid, but they know the solutions insecure women are seeking cannot be reached. Be glad that he took the time to explain. There are many men on this board, but most of them take one look here and then go off. Cry all you want, your men will never change. My opinion remains the same MOST MEN, (NOT ALL) LOOK AT PORN, and if you can't stand that then stay alone untill the world changes, or stay alone untill you find that rare porn free man.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): Here's what worked for me. I made a deal with my husband. I bought a digital video camera. In exchange for him getting rid of his porn, I allowed him to film us once a month with the understanding that he could do whatever he wanted with me. He gets to live out his fantasies and watch it later on his computer. We've been doing this now for 3 years and so far so good. I've even lost some of my own sexual inhibitions in the process. I'm frequently an exhausted, sticky, cummy mess but I'm no longer paranoid about his porn viewing and our sex life is better than ever. Putting your foot down and demanding that he repress his own desires isn't a reasonable solution. You'll lose that battle. You'll either have to overcome your feelings about it or find a way to satisfy whatever need he has that the porn feeds into. There's no easy answer here.
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reader, dianalynn +, writes (17 July 2008):
I gotta get in on this...
To: A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008):
As a man, this discussion shocked me.
Ha ha ha...What BS! You are shocked by an exchange of thoughts and feelings amongst the real human beings posting here (!!!!)BUT not shocked by seeing a woman taking it in every orfice possible or the degree of what someone will let me done to their body for a buck? !!!
Hee hee hee, People, don't take this kind of person's thoughts as having any legitimate value...Think about it.
Do what is right for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): I think it's time for women to turn the tables. Ok, there isn't anything sexual on the internet that geared for our sexual cyber-cravings...The alternative, the real thing...after all, what male would argue that there are boundries on what he expects as still morally sexual acceptable for him and then decide mine is not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): I can relate to some degree on this issue. My 50 yr old fiance has been untruthful with me about his porn viewing. I say this without arrogance, I'm above average attractive, and younger than my fiance, and have a decent income. But lately, I still don't feel like "I'm" enough to satisfy his desires. And I don't have too "catch" him at it. I know exactly when he's is one of his porn "cycles" because...well...he "ain't" so good in bed anymore.(There some sound science research on this). It's when I know that I know and he lies about it, in the beginning that really pisses me off. He changes during his porn-viewing phases. He's told me he doesn't masterbate, and frankly, I don't have have a problem with masterbation. It's that there is a desensatizing effect and it take more and more visual stimulation for him to get the "fix" he's seeking. Men don't want to admit that their sexual performance is affected by porn, if they admit their performance isn't quite up to par, it's always work, pressure, finances, anything but the real truth. There is always some other "non-sexual" reason/excuse a man has for poor sex performance. Porn sets up his emotional, mental, and physical psychy for eventual demise of good-satisfying sexual interaction with a "real" female.The decision to made by any woman who has a problem with her man's porn viewing and behavior isn't an easy one. I'm in that same dilemma myself right now. It has negatively impacted our relationship with trust and physically. (I'm finding myself less interested in sex with him, it's just not the same. It takes a while off the porn for him to be able to get his sexual stamina and normal sexual drive back, and I'm getting tired of the whole thing at this point). I think one day the whole issue of porn will come full circle with the end results being very negative to human sexuality. In the mean time, it's lure will most like harm or destroy a lot of relatiosnships...Perhaps my own included. One last note...Don't believe that every guy out there is into porn or views it. That is infatically FALSE. That's just one of those "well everybody does it, it's normal" excuses. Please don't buy into that. Hold accountability on an individual basis. What the hell happened to us as the supposed higher species?
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reader, Marlie33 +, writes (17 July 2008):
 Ive recently confronted something similar with my husband of less than a year. Although we have no internet access at home he has vast amounts of porn stored on his pc along with videos/DVDs etc.
When he initially moved in with me 18 mths ago I expressed concern at the volume and contant of the porn he had and how accessible it was as I have an 8 yr old son from a previous relationship. He agreed to remove it from the pc but didn't get rid of it, just stored it on discs (he has 4 discs full of images of various women alone before we get to the films and movies)
I'm open minded and have a much higher sex drive than my husband. We have a reasonably good sex life and try to spend time together on our own when we can. This is why his porn habit concerns me so much. I never refuse to have sex with him, am adventurous and will happily experiment within reason (so far I've never said no to anything he's asked) so why does he still feel the need to use porn?
Like many of the posts on here, I've tried talking to him about it to bring it into the open but is's almost as if he doesn't want to. I've explained logically and unemotionally what I find offensive about the kind of porn he's watching but again this too doesn't sink in, the generic phrase is "All men look at porn, it's what we do"
to my mind, single men look at porn, men in loving relationships should be more cautious. I enjoy some porn, there are many elements of it I will happily share with him, i certainly would never ban it, it's the content that i object to and the fact that he cannot offer me a reasoned argument as to why he has to view these types of images.
My advice is similar to other peoples, accept that some porn viewing is ok but make it absolutely clear that there are boundaries to this and that you will seek counselling if it becomes a problem in your marriage.Don't vilify him for it but equally don't allow him to ride rough shod over your feelings either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): As a man, this discussion shocked me.
I feel for the original poster and for all women (and men) who have issues with porn. But the conclusions that are being drawn about what to do about it on here are flattening me.
Deciding that it's wrong for married men to look at porn just on principle? Implying that looking at porn somehow equates to a form of INFIDELITY? Incredible. Just incredible.
I've been sitting here for several minutes trying to come up with a response that adequately conveys everything that I want to say about this stuff. But I just can't do it. I don't think any real communication is possible between myself and someone who thinks this way.
I don't feel very attached to porn. I look at it sometimes, but I never have thought it was so grand as to hurt a girlfriend's feelings over it. And I appreciate the fact that porn has the potential to do great harm with certain kinds of people and situations. Addictive behaviours, harmful fetishes, etc.
But I feel such a strong sense of violation at some of these suggestions on here, that I suddenly feel like I'm ready to go to war for the porn industry now just on principle.
I am male, and being male is not a second-class status. Porn does not do any more harm that tons of other things that we allow and embrace. The only difference is that it's more gender-specific than certain other potentially addictive things.
I am past the point of even being self-rightous or angry about this. I'm all the way to just feeling hopeless now. I don't know how the genders will ever be able to even have a civilized conversation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): Hello everyone,
I just wanted to say alot of things here makes sense and I see where some of you are in where or what to do if this porn situation bothers you. What bothers me about my husband is that he keeps telling me I promise I won't do it again and yet still to this day he does it and the way I see it is he is trying to win this over me by simply letting me know he still looks at porn but will never leave me. And honestly I am tired of the bullsh*t on every mans mouth when they say I promise I won't do it again and does so. The way I see it its a test on there part with the wife/girlfriend and testing our patience. I told him 3 stikes and you are out. This is the second time he did that. And it makes me wonder if he is buying time and to be honest we women are not getting any younger and its hard to stay looking good in this world when men are always looking for a Barbie doll. If you know the Bible by heart or at least understand it it says "if you lust at another woman not your wife then you have committed adultery in your heart." So tell me where a wife stands when this happens to her? Is God going to bless her for the marriage knowing she knows about it and looks the other way? Is she in sin even though she knows about it about couldn't get her husband to stop? Let me ask you how can you be blessed when there is sin in your marriage even though you are not the one doing the sin? Where do you stand in this one? Please let me know I am still learning here...
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): Unfortunately, you can't make him understand. It is not something you are lacking in your relationship, there is nothing wrong with you, in other words, YOU can't do anything to change this all you can do is figure out if you can live with it or not and make a decision based on that. Divorce lawyers are stating 50% of divorces are citing porn as a cause of divorce now, this was unheard of 15 years ago.The advice you recieved to spice up your sex life won't work, he will still watch porn.......the advice to get over it won't work, you will be unhappy and untrue to yourself. Your husband is not respecting you, he is being unfaithful to the marriage, he is spending his sexual energy on the computer, or vids.....you get the idea. Visit this website, it is helpful and you will gain an understanding of what is going on in your man's head...npsupport.net
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): It's early days but I think eventually society will decide that it's not acceptable for men in relationships to use porn. It's not that long ago that drink driving was trivialised, kids were physically punished. Nowadays you can barely have a fag! Who would have thought. Too many women are being hurt and those who say they don't mind well, is that confidence or no self respect. Women are actually divorcing their husbands because of this so it is a serious issue. However, unlike buying dirty mags and videos, the only people likely to find them out (or care) are their wives and that doesn't seem to stop them. They need more of a threat. Lorena Bobbit springs to mind. Yes it's a man thing and it doesn't mean they're a pervert or they don't love you. But relationships have boundaries and for most women I believe this to be one of them. You deserve better. Don't compromise your integrity.
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reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 June 2008):
 If you want to make him understand, talking to him is useless.
He will treat it as nagging and will ignore you .
The only way he understands is through actions.
Pack your bags and leave till he hoist the white flag of surrender .
He will know that it is not worth losing you over those porn.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): look i dont know you but take my word if he wont stop looking at you know leave him he dose not care about you if he looks at other ladies i mean sluts with there brest and thingstake control as wemen we stand together take the computer some where else!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008): I'm a new mom with the same problem. I've done everything possible to make him understand and he just doesn't get it. He probebly never will. Having had our first baby only 5 months ago I still don't look like I used to and I think this is were we are so similar: as the woman in the relationship it's up to us to take control of our emotions. If we let something our husband does, like look at these magazines and online, allow us to feel poorly of ourselves, then we have given him too much power over us. Our husbands do not make us. They are humans with faults just as we are. I'm sure there are things that you do to upset him; he just doesn't tell you. I've made the decision to take control of my emotions and have the power to say, "No. This is not going to bother me. He loves me, and this is just one of his faults. I will not let that affect our relationship." Trust me, its hard, and hurts. But think of your life with out this in it, Is he still a good man? He's not cheating on you, paying for sex, or telling you to lose weight. STOP letting your emotions run you and your mind. I'd love to chat with you more if you need to [email address blocked] Remember, he does love you and even if you were...Pamala Anderson, he'd still look at it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): I just found out after 22 years of marriage my husband has been looking at porn and had sex with another woman 3 times. I am over weight too, and my suggestion is LOSE THAT WEIGHT NOW!!!! Get help-friends, family, doctors, weight watchers, anything. You don't want to end up like me, I promise, it's too painful!!! You don't want to wake up when you're 50 and wish you'd done it differently. Be determined and pray for help and the determination to follow through!!!
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reader, Laura1318 +, writes (4 May 2008):
Some people are too blind .
They can only see with their eyes but not with their hearts.
And the eyes can only see the surface of things.
Do not be rash or too quick to judge a person or u could
regret for the wrong decisions.
Give a person time to change or give him another chance or forgive a person for his trespasses.
Try to understand him . Are men all like that ?
Can u accept such a behaviour from him?
Are u looking for some one more perfect or your expectation is too high ?
Let's not be blind to what’s really important in our lives.
It is love that made two people see who and what they are.
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female
reader, PreciousNY +, writes (1 May 2008):
Hi
I have written in about this very same issue that most women have, and came to realize from everyone's opinion's that a man's watching porn really doesn't have anything to do with their partner or how they feel about you. It is a guy thing and if it is not interfering with your sex life, or how he's treating you than I wouldn't stress over it. It's understandable that some men do not feel comfortable with viewing porn with their partners and that's ok too. It also doesn't matter how much you weigh or what you look like. A man can be married to the most gorgeous woman in the world and he is still going to watch porn. See what he is watching and what interests him and maybe take initiative to experiment a little with your husband if you feel comfortable enough to do so. I'm sure there isn't a woman in the world that has a partner whom doesn't view porn every now and again. I would also have a talk with him and just tell him how it makes you feel, maybe all you need is a little reassurance from him that you are the one and only for him and he doesn't love or desire you any less. This is such a common thing and you aren't alone.
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reader, Pumpkin Spice +, writes (1 May 2008):
Pumpkin Spice is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks everyone who answered me. i will try everyones suggestions. i really never thought that i would get any answers. it is very fustrating i do know that. i actually tried looking at it with him but he got embarassed and i felt like i didnt belong. i dont know but maybe if we have a talk and see if there is something else going on. thanks again
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Many, actually most men, do spend some time looking at porn especially when they want to masturbate. It has nothing to do with his partner but more about the enjoyment of self-pleasure. There is a different feeling between masturbation and sexual intercourse and most men enjoy partaking in both. There is nothing wrong with looking at porn as long as it is legal pornography. I recommend trying to view some with him, make it a sexual couple activity.
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reader, PeterPan + ♥, writes (30 April 2008):
 Boy, this is a BIG deal these days. I spent the last day reading blogs on the very topic of husbands/partners being overly absorbed in internet porn. I think that there's something going on between you two... or more direct, there's a lack of something going on. I hate to say this, but you need to (gently) corner him and get the straight truth. Is he happy with you? Is there something going on at work? Other issues that might be causing him to close you off and seek (more or less) immediate anonymous gratification from porn... there might be a whole other issue that's really bothering him... I guess the bottom line here is to (a) get him to open up and share what's in his head and (b) communicate.As I was saying before, it seems that the professionals are now categorizing internet porn like other addictions (drugs, alcohol, etc.). If you think this is serious enough, you might want to consider professional assistance...
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reader, Susan Strict +, writes (30 April 2008):
 Just because he looks at porn it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that he doesn't find you attractive.
It makes you feel that he wants something different - something he can see in the porn and can't see in you, and that feels like he is being unfaithful.
It's not always the case. In fact frequently it's not the case. You can tell him how unhappy you are about it, but you may do better by trying to find out the reasons behind it.
What is it that makes the porn attractive to him? Is it simply different women's bodies? Usually there's more to it - clothes, what they're doing, attitude, toys or accessories - there's nearly always something more than just "sexy" women. In other words, there's something that you can easily have, do or be, with him.
Nine times out of ten all we need to do to get our husbands/partners away from paying more attention to porn than to us is to put a bit of sparkle back into our relationship - and if the porn he's looking at gives us the clue to the sparkle he wants then so much the better. He's usually too clueless or embarrassed to explain it properly himself. That's what so many men are like - clueless. It's up to us to take them in hand (literally, maybe!) and sort them out.
I'm sure you can attract his interest again. Go for it.
Good luck.
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reader, :):):) +, writes (30 April 2008):
Most of the girls in the porn industry are unnaturually thin and in magazines-airbrushed.They dont represent real women. Most men look at porn from time to time and it doesnt mean to loves you any less.He wouldnt be with you if he didnt find you attractive. The attraction of the porn is usually the result of curiosity, nothing more. If he married you then he its evident that he loves you dearly. xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Hello... i think that all men need that kind of space...its not abnormal for your man to be looking at porn...most men do it weather or not they have a fat, skinny, beautiful,ugly,gorgeous or sexy wife...you shouldn't let it get to you...if you can't get over it confront him about your weight loss and tell him how you feel..assert yourself don't let him turn the conversation into what you do wrong.
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