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My husband will not stop looking at porn. How can I make him understand?

Tagged as: Pornography<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 April 2008) 76 Answers - (Newest, 10 October 2012)
A female United States age 26-29, *umpkin Spice writes:

My husband will not stop looking at porn. i have asked him to stop but he does it behind my back. when i catch him he turns the argument around on me. i am a heavy woman and i am trying to lose weight. it hurts me because i believe he thinks i am not attractive. how can i make him understand. before it ends in divorce

View related questions: divorce, lose weight, porn

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A female reader, SandyJeanie United States +, writes (10 October 2012):

Tell your husband that a man who is committed to his marriage, concentrates on pleasing his wife. And a man who is not committed to his marriage, concentrates on pleasing himself with other women.

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A female reader, SunnyD United States +, writes (15 August 2011):

Every relationship is different and for those who are okay with their boyfriend, fiance, or hubby watching porn, more power to ya.

For me, it hurts, it's disrespectful, and yes, I will admit to low self esteem.

My boyfriend has been looking at porn, (behind my back), every since we got together 11 years ago. He claims he loves me and he just wants to make me happy, yet, it has caused many bad arguments, lots of tears on my part, many lies, broken promises, even splitting up once. He will stop for awhile, but before I know it, with some searching and spying, I'm finding him right back at it.

The so called "experts" say that men sometimes do it because of the fantasy aspects and that many women aren't into wild sex. I used to be a VERY sexual woman, willing to try new things, different positions, etc. Every since we've been together though, he has had "performance issues" in the bedroom. He is a Type 2 Diabetic and claims that causes him to not be able to "get it up" at times. In the last few years it has gotten to the point where we don't have sex. I have tried lots of different things to get him "in the mood", yet he shows no interest because of his medical issues, (so he says)... I went all out one night, with the sexy lingerie, heels, candles, and tried seducing him when he came out of the shower. We got down to business only to have him lose his erection. I was devastated! He said it wasn't me and still says that to this day, yet he has ZERO interest in me! That lack of interest doesn't stop him from looking on porn, now on his phone, where it used to be his computer. I know there are those who would say, "he is only looking", not going out and cheating, but the fact that he isn't interested in me at all sexually has my confidence in myself as a sexy, desirable, woman at rock bottom. I don't know what to do other than continue to be lied to, hurt, and rejected by him in bed or cut my losses?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011):

I am an heavy set woman also. My husband looks at porn I don't know how much I don't let it in my house. he looks at it with his friends. Some friends. I told him I do not like it. I don't look at porn. He then says its the way I look. Then I say you don't look then same as when we first meet.his six pack go drank up by a 6 pack. He say nothing and walk away. We are working on our problems and this is one of the many. I can't tell you how to make him stop but keep trying and let him know that you don't like it at all.

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A female reader, angelDlite United Kingdom +, writes (19 July 2011):

angelDlite agony auntoh dear, men and porn. i'm afraid that you can ask him to stop, demand that he stops, and he may even do as you ask, but he will still WANT to watch it and he will resent you for taking his pass time away from him. if he is into porn he is into it. i wonder if some psycho-sexual counselling might help? i mean would you say he watches a LOT of porn? do you think he might have a problem and would he seek help if so?

if he denies its a problem and he refuses to stop (or tells you he stopped but then just does it secretly, you need to accept him and his habit or leave him if a porn-watching husband is not what you want.

also lose your weight, not for him but for YOU to get your confidence back. carbs are a dieters worst enemy. they give you food addiction. do you find though that his porn use makes you comfort eat coz it hurts you? if so, get some counselling to over come this, and make it VERY clear to him regarding the full impact and damage this is having on you (and your body) if he does not care enough to genuinely kick his porn habit, then that means he does not really care about you, in which case you he shouldn't be married to you

x

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A female reader, girlofdawn United States +, writes (19 July 2011):

It hurts you because you *believe* you are not attractive? Is the problem that hes watching porn, or that you have very low self esteem? Why should he be responsible for the way you see yourself? Youre a grown woman, you need to cultivate these things within yourself.

I dont see what the big deal is if he does it every-so-often-hes a man after all, not a friggin' god.

Good luck convincing him to stop. You cant force anyone to see things your way! You either accept it and stay, or reject it and send him on his way, pick your battles. Your never going to change him, just remember that...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011):

I read your question "My husband will not stop looking... how can I make him understand?".

Then I scrolled down and read lots more with the same thread. It is a huge problem for couples isn't it, all the guys are resented for it and that doesn't make for a good long term relationship, no matter which side you look at it from.

I didn't see even one comment from a man. I hope I can give honest insights into how I think about porn. Mabe it could help women understand more the male response and be better able to negotiate to get what they want from their relationship.

I figure that being armed with information and understanding can only help you better deal with your own situation.

I sometimes watch porn on the web and I fight with myself about it. When I do watch it I say to myself, I'll just have a quick look, but at times I have been sucked into staying there for hours and later I feel weak.

I have never actually interacted with anyone on the net but have just looked.

I'm not telling you that to feel heroic, but It seems interesting to me to note that because I have a rule like (not clicking on anything that will get me involved in any way) that it's like a line in the sand that is so powerful I won't step over it.

I have a wonderful wife and I am fairly sure that she would know that I look at porn now and again, she has in the past instigated us watching porn on videos but she is aginst it on the internet. I don't bring it up and I think that it wouldn't make her feel great to have it shoved in her face that I watch it. I believe I would feel better about myself if I didn't watch it at all, and that is achievable because I go for long periods like one month or more without looking at it. So although the focus in most of the ladies letters is about how degrading it makes them feel, if the truth is known then your guys, if they are sensitive at all, probably feel some degree of that too.

I think that we as guys are wired to get really excited by the prospect of multiple partners and other erotic things and that with our higher testosterone levels this all translates into a hunger that, if fed, causes the addiction.

I want to share something that my wife did, that probably had the reverse effect on me to what you might have expected.

The background is that medical issues including my recovery from prostate cancer and her passing menopause have meant a disrupted sex life. She encourages me to get a massage because she knows how erotic I find it to be touched which is generous of her and she was delighted that on one occasion when she took me for a massage in Thailand that I resisted the temptation that was on offer when I was being so turned on by a lady who was grinding away on top of my back and arousing my nipples etc.

I had been to a particular massage place twice near my work around one year ago, I really hit it off with the masseuse and she had offered "I can do that for you"

I hadn't been back there after months because I felt that I would struggle to say no this time and I have a promise to myself never to lie to my wife.

Anyway I said to my wife a couple of months ago, how do you feel if a girl offers me a happy ending and I say yes. She responded that she was ok with it. I had such a warm feeling for my wife as though she had given me wonderful freedom to enjoy, this happy feeling lasted for at least a couple of days and two months or more later I still havn't

been back to the massage place. I think often about going there but I am purposely procrastinating because I just got on with that girl so well that I am afraid that I might create an addiction.

It has been good for me to share my tale (halfway between sleaze and hero) I wonder if there is among the partners you ladies have talked about men just like me, battling themsleves to do what is right and honouring to their partner.

I believe that my life was changed a lot by my commitment many years ago to tell the truth no matter what the cost it has been a good foundation for me and has earned me respect from colleagues on many occasions.

I've come to realise that the "quick draw" liar who doesn't even need a reason to tell a lie is a pathetic individual and I often encourage people by being light hearted about it and saying things like "I tell the truth because it's easier, you don't have to have such a good memory".

It's great to be able to trust yourself with the truth and to know that other people can count on you too.

In parting, while it is no excuse, I saw on a news comment on the net that almost all men watch porn on the net and while I don't believe it's true, I believe that it's true enough to take note of and to begin to consider the men who don't as exceptions. I hope that this helps you to consider some of the positives that you might be able to bring into your negotiations with your partner. And some ideas for setting addiction controlling goals with them.

It is just so easy and so there, that we naughty little boys get tempted.

Sincerely

Nadoo

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2010):

Hi Everyone, Thanks so much for all of your info

Respect, how it makes your partner feel or hurt is the issue, if ok or not..... ? I'm lost on this one also

I am curious how our husbands or partner would feel IF......

They came home from work and we had just finished watching

a porn flick and we were satisfied,

AND We had no interest to make love TO THEM that day.. because all already taken care of.......

Would it hurt their feelings?

Would they understand our feelings Maybe?

Just Curious......

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2010):

Very simply... If your husband looks at porn, he does NOT love you. Porn is adultry, cheating, ect. He is having sex with someone other than you, end of story. If he lies about it too, than not only does he not love you, he doesn't even respect you enough to let you in on how he is betraying your marriage vows!

You should leave his sorry *** in the dust and find a real man. One who actually respects himself and God!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2010):

if he really cared about he would stop doing it... he obviously prefers sex to having a real woman. it doesnt matter your shape or size... men arent perfect either, its about love. and if he loves you, you would be the only woman on his mind. sure, appreciating beauty is good and normal, you look at hot guys, actors, singers, right? but you dont masterbate to them, because you love your husband. let him enjoy his porno and his one hand... he can kiss sex and love goodbye!

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A male reader, pray101 United States +, writes (21 March 2010):

Porn addiction is like any other addiction,(smoking, drinking, drugs,stealing, lying, etc.) It has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with being or feeling unattractive.You need not to put your energy into making him or her stop, but to focus on the good that they do and encourage them for it. Let them talk about it to you. DO NOT scorn them whatever you do. That will make them go back into the closet. Show them that you will love them no matter what. (READ YOUR MARRIAGE VOWS) Remember you yourself are not perfect either. Focus on yourself rather than those around you. Please read in the Bible John Chapter 8, verses 1 - 11. Remember anybody with any addiction has to come to grips with themselves to want to change. What addictions do you have?? (Overeating, gossip, complaining, etc.) Check yourself. Please read Matthew Chapter 7 verses 1-6. Have a nice day.........

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A female reader, trying to love United States +, writes (16 March 2010):

Wow, where is this world going. I always think about how a hundred years ago it wasn't like this. Thanks Marlyn!Just like the bible says when it says a little bit of yeast works through out the whole dough. So many woman have this complant now. Never when I was a little kid did I dream of marrying someone with these kind of problems. Internet did not even exist.

I married 2 years ago. I told my husband from the get go, I did not want to deal with someone that looks at porn. I said hey if you have that problem, no questions asked please respect me enough to leave this relationship. He said he had once had the problem has quit looking for the last couple of years.Well you can only imagine why I'm on this site right now.Not only was he looking at porn but also had gone through pictures of people I know and has told me he masturbated to them. Wow what the hell happened? So not only have I locked up all my pictures, I don't leave him in the house alone. If he goes to the the computer now, I'm always with him.Now who has been stuck with a problem. I feel like I'm always having to police him.I don't talk to anyone about this cause I'm to embarassed. The more steps we get to with our divorce, he's starting to see this is real. Yes I love him some how. But I realize I love myself also. I thought to myself, do really think this is going to change? Is this who and what you want to grow old with.At this point I'm just as mad at myself for picking someone like this. What has really helped him was when he knew I'm serious. I will not let anyone disrespect me. Not even myself! I've told him, do you realize that I can go and find someone that won't do this to me? He knows and I also know I can. I once was a very active sexual partner, now I don't even like it when he touches me. At first I thought maybe I'm the prude. Tried to get over it. Tried to displace myself. I still go back to feeling like some kind of blow up doll. You know when someone is really making love to you. That's why this has been breaking my heart. You can hope this gets better. But I just question the motive of why were you disrespecting me like that anyway? That's not what I call love. Hey everybody, it's time to get serious! If he's not respecting you enough to not have been doing at all, then he's not going to rspect you wanting him to stop!

R.E.S.P.E.C.T find out what it means to me! And that's where we should all stand. The next step for men or woman looking at porn is adultry. Porn is actually adultry. Come on you see it. The reason why it bothers us is because it's wrong. Lets just call it what it is!

Finale thoughts, be good to your self. You don't have to deal with this, so ask yourself Do YOU want to?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010):

hi there. don;t give up so easily. Im sick of it too. Its not you at all it him.....if he thinks he needs a woman with whatever that is HIS deal not yours! Don't fret or regret girl, please. Don't be bitter either this just messes up your love for eachother, hey believe me i had a bad attitude with my guy, and ive changed. I don;t believe in giving up and neither should you. Look at it this way, porn is like a parasite, if he wants to get rid of it he is going to have to either throw the computer away...and change his whole attitude on what exactly is important or he can keep feeding his lust. Men are weak, my man is weak and when he fails i admit i get angry as HE double hockey sticks.....your man and my man fall for it because the fact of the matter is they love what they see...and if they see a image that stays hot in the back of their mind, they are bound to "release" it by looking at more porn, which just keeps more images in his head. Its a never ending cycle. If you love your man so much and willing to forgive...cause it is COMMITING ADULTERY, regardles or not your with a person physically or not!! Lust of the heart and mind for another person other then your Bfriend, spouse, whatever is not whole and true...sorry let me get back to waht i was going to say, if you love him regardless and willing to forgive as long as he dosen't talk down at you......like if he says "you need to lose weight" or, "your fat", or if he doesn't give you time and is involved with you. I know girl, its tough, just don't ever accept it and TELL him that!! Im only talking to you, no debates. Tell him how you feel and don't you EVER be ashamed of how you look!! NO one no matter how beautiful is NOT perfect!!! Go watch the movie FIREPROOF, and you will understand why one shouldn't give up, also i recommend to get the book called The Love Dare. Its based on the movie, not a novel. I read the Love Dare first and i recommened it to read first BEFORE the movie, cause then youll get a HUGE grasp of what love is all about. No one said to love someone would be easy......its takes a lot of effort and patience. My BF needs to get rid of his stupid trash/ parasites, sooner someday the better, then maybe he will see the big picture.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010):

take the computer and hide it were only you know were it is. Or get in the sexiest outfit you have and be as sexy as you can until he only wnats to look at you if all fails then sell the computer.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010):

hi im 19 yrs old me and my boyfriend have beeen toguether for 3 1/2 years .I am also having the same problem he's promised me he would not do it again and goes back . we are not married and dnt live toguether but this addiction is causing my feelings to get hurt. AND NOOO and it does not matter LADIES shapes siezes colors We are ALL beautiful. I also though it was bc I wasnt good enough at first but I've nevver been overweight, im slim , tall, young I work out alot !!!! and NOT even 'this' keeps my boyfriend away from porn.Ive told him so many times it hurts me to see him looking at naked girls. I Absolutely agree that the porn industry is terminating with the beauty of making love.Ive come to the poing of controlling my boyfriends use of his computer .yes Im a computer freak and know how to spy him last time i caught him I took his computer nd im not giving it back till he does something about it. and i know that internet is not the only way to watch porn but its the one he used so im doing everything i can. If this does not work ive decided that my self steem is first and the relationship will be over...

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A female reader, SoConfused11 United States +, writes (6 February 2010):

BE FOREWARNED: CONTAINS GRAPHIC LANGUAGE! :-)

Ahhhh. The Great Porn Debate.

My man and I have had HUGE issues with this subject. Which is funny because when I was in relationships where there were "no pressure, no labels and no commitment", porn was fun.

But ever since I found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with- someone I respect and cherish, porn is the bane of my existence.

It's seriously sad that it's the biggest internet industry (beware ladies- it's going mobile too), but I think it's a great outlet- FOR SINGLE PEOPLE.

"Try to share it with him."

"Men are more visual creatures."

"It's harmless."

"All men look at porn."

I CALL BULLSHIT.

The men who look at porn despite their partner's (usually desperate) pleas to stop, are selfish. They are unable to practice any SELF-CONTROL, not even out of RESPECT for their partner or themselves.

"It's not like I'm imagining having sex with her (whichever porn whore is the subject of debate)."

I CALL MORE BULLSHIT. With all of the POV (point of view) porn out there- how is it NOT imagining your cock inside another woman, no matter which hole it's showing.

My man was single and very lonely for 2 years before we got together. Needless to say he used porn. A LOT OF PORN. He could jerk off, sometimes soft he said, but to keep it hard with me- he needed Viagra. After doing some research, I found that over-masturbation can cause changes in your brain chemistry. It affects how your body handles chemicals like dopamine and adrenaline. (Men get off to porn so much, then complain that they can't get it up for their partners. Hmmm...) Luckily, with a decrease in online extracurriculars, those levels can come back to normal. And I'm happy to say my man has no problem keeping it up au natural, unless of course there are a lot of drinks involved... and we've only used the Viagra once in the last 6 months.

But he continued to use porn after we got together until I repeatedly found it and confronted him with it. Unfortunately his repeated dishonesty about the subject has caused great strain on our trust and emotional intimacy levels. I don't even feel comfortable sharing my fantasies with him because instead of him sharing his fantasies with me, he'd go home and share them with the porn whores. (I look good, but certainly can't compare to the airbrushed, surgically enhanced perception of perfection in porn.)

With the constant pressure of the paranoia that he was still surfing dating and fuckbuddy sites, I installed eBlaster on his laptop. It took the weight off my shoulders and proved to me he wasn't viewing porn on that computer.

But silly me, I didn't cover my ass on his PC. I recently came across a version of a cookie, based in Flash, that is never deleted even when a user tries to clear the history, search fields, passwords, cookies etc. THESE FILES REMAIN!! (more on these below) And usually they have the website name, date the file was created, modified and accessed. I found files from porn and fuckbuddy sites from 4 days ago which he claims he didn't visit.

So what will I do, you ask? I'm thinking that at this point, my best option is a lie detector. I know a lot of people who will read this will think I'm an absolute psycho who should just leave him. But I do love him. I WANT to believe him, I WANT to have faith in our relationship. I WANT to make this work. I'm trying to build character, be more forgiving and get over my fears of abandonment and commitment. The right thing in life is rarely the easy thing. And my distrust and wariness are warranted. They are CONSEQUENCES to HIS CHOICES to not only view porn, but lie about it as well. He recognizes that and has voiced his willingness to take the lie detector test. I'll let you know how it goes...

As for the Flash "cookies": they are called Local Shared Objects and they are Flash's version of a cookie. They can remake a regular cookie that's been deleted without needing to revisit the website, so be careful if you're simply browsing cookies instead of LSO's. There may appear cookies from sites that haven't been visited. If you perform a Google search for Local Shared Object you will find the paths to these files for different operating systems and more in depth information on these files. Good luck ladies. I hope all of us find nothing but reason to trust our men.

Let's all keep in mind a few things though:

There IS a point when the lying, deception, conniving and scheming is definitive emotional abuse. If you feel this way- please get out of the relationship immediately and seek help, even if only from a local support group. No matter what you've done, you don't deserve to be treated that way. If it's been years- you're love will probably never change him... It's up to you how long you want to try.

As human beings, the only person we can ever REALLY count on to stand up for us is our self. It's a matter of our priorities and what we ALLOW to happen to us. I tell you, there will be serious consequences if it ever gets to the point that I feel like a doormat to HIS desires and whims.

BE STRONG LADIES!! AND GOOD LUCK!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010):

I have had a similar problem....

Boyfriend of 3 years watching porn, blah blah blah... you all know the story....

So guy.... and I mean guys.....

It's how it makes us FEEL. There is no wrong or right about how someone FEELS. It's something personal belonging to us.

So here's how I FEEL.....

If my boyfriend loves me as much as he says he does...

And if he wants me to stay, like he claims he does....

And he's truly sorry and understands I feel discounted and it lowers my worth, Cause it does....

Then he wouldn't keep doing it!

If he said to me "Honey, trying to hit me with your car makes me uncomfortable and kinda hurts me that you'd want to do that after you claimed to love me." then I wouldn't do it....

Or if he said "Honey, I really don't like your meatloaf. Could you not make it it anymore even though it's your favorite? Because it gives me heart burn." then I wouldn't make meat loaf....

Or maybe, "Honey when you ogle other guys it makes me jealous and insecure." Then I would stop....

Because gentlemen, this is how it makes ME FEEL.

Like I got hit by a car and want to throw up to get the build up of acid out of my stomach because clearly I don't feel love, I feel worthless, jealous, angry, not even close to second best, discounted, unimportant, not listen to, neglected, uncared for and last but not least.... I FEEL lower than dirt.

Is this how you want someone who loves you to want YOU to feel?

Cause I know it's not how I want to feel, but I do....

Thanks.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2010):

i agree with dr phill

http://drphil.com/articles/article/54/

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A female reader, Confused71 United States +, writes (30 December 2009):

Hello ladies I'm 38, married and a mother of 2. I have always been very sexual but even more that I'm older and more experienced. I have always been willing to do anything for my husband but he has always had a thing for porn since we were younger. I have always realized he had a thing for beautiful women and it always has hurt me deeply. So as of 2 years ago I thought the unsmart thing to do is " if you can't beat him join him" so I did start joinging him in looking at porn. In the beginning it was nice we would look at porn together and it would turn us on and make sex much more more exciting but then slowly but surely he started separating this together time we had with eachother and worked his way back to his alone time. He just started becoming sneaky to me and he works nights and he must always have his laptop with him. I feel like I'm not good enough for him and I don't turn him on like these young ladies do on porn..I'm very attractive and always cared about my body. He told me its not me but I honestly believe he's not being truthful to me. I decided to tell him how much its causing a problem and as I was communicating this to him he said he was not going to stop looking at porn. It made me feel so angry and hurt. I don't know what to do at this point because its caused me not trust him and our sexual relationship has not improved because he is not pleasing me. We don't go out of town for alone time anymore to release our needs. I have talked with him over and over and its like talking to a brick wall. Please advise me I would really appreciate it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009):

I completely understand how you feel. I am gonna start off by saying you should never be upset about how your shaped. If you want to lose it do it to make you happy with yourself. I'm sure that your husband loves you very much and he thinks you are a beautiful women. Porn is always showing men females who exploit them selves that is completely different from looking and making love to a WOMEN! If he will not stop watching porn talk to him ask him why he is so interest in it see what you can do as a couple to spice things up a bit. Communication is the key. Now go out and have some fun with it. Hope this helps.

Sincerely,

A caring WOMEN

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009):

There are many people who believe porn is harmless, just another form of entertainment. But I understand how you feel, because I find it to be offensive. I think porn cheapens sexuality, which is so powerful and such an important part of a loving relationship. Men do get unrealistic expectations from watching porn, and it reduces sex to just another bodily function. I'm disgusted by my husband's hypocrisy: he watches porn (and tries to cover his tracks but I end up finding out sooner or later) but he says he believes it's wrong and he would be devastated if anyone ever looked at our daughter like that. A woman's body is beautiful, but it's not to be looked at by strangers with their dicks in their hands!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009):

i have been with my husband for almost a year and he promised when we moved to our new place he would quit. but guess what he is a fucking liar!!! we have been together six years almost and since we moved in together before we got married i asked him to stop. he makes all these promises and says it not me its an addiction and he wishes i had one.we just had a daughter seven months ago and he wont even stop for her sake. because i don't want to be fighting around her. i don't know what to do. i asked him three years to quit please help me. i love him we have been through so much. everytime i turn around he is jacking off when i am here. i want this to work because of our daughter. i am torn i also want to kick him out put i never can. he must think i am stupid by just lying to me help me get rid of him. or something - swat

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009):

I have been in a relationship for 14 years. In the last 8 our sex life has been just about non existent. My boyfriend, with whom I live with, own a business with and a couple houses with, is generally a wonderful man.

However, he watches porn on a daily basis. Looking back now I am almost positive that he has been doing it all along. However in the last 5 years since I have become my computer smart I have been checking where he looks on the computer. I have told him that porn makes me feel like I am unattractive to him and degraded, and can't understand why he would rather look at porn than be with me. I have never ever turned down sex. I have asked him to stop looking just for the simple fact that if he loves and respects me that he should do it for me. Well, now he just deletes the computer history, and the occasional time he forgets I catch it. If we are at home and I leave to go to the store he is looking at it the second I leave. We own a business and work togther in the office and he is looking at it with me just in the next room or looks at if soon as I walk out the door.

I feel ugly, betrayed and very lonely. We have had an up and down relationship but for the most part I believe we both love each other. I am 44 years old and have been with him for 15 years. I feel as is I have wasted my time. I don't feel loved or desired by him at all. As I have heard many other women say, men start wanting different things in bed. He wanted anal sex which hurts me immensly but I did it because I thought it brought him pleasure and I wanted to please him. WELL WHAT ABOUT ME!!!!!!!

Our business is in trouble and we stand to loose everything we have worked the last 15 years for. So if I leave now it's not like I can just walk away, not to mention that we work in the same office.

I am at my wits end and tired of crying myself to sleep. Can anyone help me......

Signed,

Lost

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A female reader, monkey65 United States +, writes (2 December 2009):

I have been in a relationship for 14 years. In the last 8 our sex life has been just about non existent. My boyfriend, with whom I live with, own a business with and a couple houses with, is generally a wonderful man.

However, he watches porn on a daily basis. Looking back now I am almost positive that he has been doing it all along. However in the last 5 years since I have become my computer smart I have been checking where he looks on the computer. I have told him that porn makes me feel like I am unattractive to him and degraded, and can't understand why he would rather look at porn than be with me. I have never ever turned down sex. I have asked him to stop looking just for the simple fact that if he loves and respects me that he should do it for me. Well, now he just deletes the computer history, and the occasional time he forgets I catch it. If we are at home and I leave to go to the store he is looking at it the second I leave. We own a business and work togther in the office and he is looking at it with me just in the next room or looks at if soon as I walk out the door.

I feel ugly, betrayed and very lonely. We have had an up and down relationship but for the most part I believe we both love each other. I am 44 years old and have been with him for 15 years. I feel as is I have wasted my time. I don't feel loved or desired by him at all. As I have heard many other women say, men start wanting different things in bed. He wanted anal sex which hurts me immensly but I did it because I thought it brought him pleasure and I wanted to please him. WELL WHAT ABOUT ME!!!!!!!

Our business is in trouble and we stand to loose everything we have worked the last 15 years for. So if I leave now it's not like I can just walk away, not to mention that we work in the same office.

I am at my wits end and tired of crying myself to sleep. Can anyone help me......

Signed,

Lost

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009):

i understand where you are coming from. I used to be very whatever about porn and thought people needed to lighten up - that is until it started to effect my relationship. Nowadays i think women are forced to accept porn in their homes. It's "cool" to be that girlfriend/wife. If we start having a problem with it, then we are looked as insecure or prudish. So not the case!! we have heard it all..."men are visual, it's better then an affair, guys are more sexual...". come on!. I am visual and very sexual too. hey, if a couple can have porn in their lives and not have it effect their relationship at all - then to each their own. Personally, i don't feel that it is good for my relationship. I have heard that men nned more from their wves or use it if she isn't in the mood. What ever happened to persuing your wife? how about creating the mood!!!! when did everyone get so lazy in their relationships? Why should wives have to accept their husbands viewing other naked women engaged in perverse (not always) acts in their own homes? Why should wives find it acceptable to have thier husbands mentally lusting after others and be ok with the "at least i am not sleeping with someone else" excuse.

I am a confident person who loves sex and is always initiating. I put alot of effort into making it exciting for my husband. when i get turned down because he is too tired from having his jollies with his computer - this is where i have a problem. if it is creating a problem in your relationship - then it's a problem!! don't let anyone talk you out of your feelings. If you get the "but it's harmless" talk to the thousands of couples who are now in divorce proceedings, talk to the husband who isn't sure if she is closing her eyes to fantisize about a scene she just saw to maintain her sexual energy, talk to the wives who have gone to bed alone so their husband can have his "down time" with his computer images. I don't believe it's harmless. We are getting it thrown in our faces everytime we go on the computer - that the normalcy of it is becoming mainstream. When your body only starts responding to these computer images, your reactions with real humans becomes of lesser quality.

Now - as i said, some people have it in their lives and are all good - that is absolutly fine. I see problems rising everywhere though.

I am not a prude. I am confident. Porn has disrupted my sex life personally and i will be damned to compete with a computer for intimate time with my hubby. can you stip him from looking? no way!!! you can comprimise, but if you feel strongly, you will still feel like crap. Not all men watch it - all men enjoy looking at naked women! but not all men go for the hardcore.

There is nothing wrong with nudity - a beautiful thing. unfortunatly i feel porn has perversed a beautiful thing. Boo. Again, to each thier own.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009):

I don't think it matters. I've never been fat. Always look pretty good I would say. I've had two kids lost all the weight right away. I always get compliments on my looks. It's not about how much sex you give either I'm always ready, willing and creative.

It's there problem! My husbands been addicted for 7 years. He always says he'll stop. He's even had women's numbers text messages etc. He confessed to cheating this year. I kicked him out. He cried and cried like a baby! Swore it would never happen again. He even admitted that the Internet porn led him to something more tangible like cheating. He confessed that this was the reason for his anger issues as well.

Guess what 5 months after the affair I've seen the history erased twice on the computer. He confessed to "slipping again" looking online of course after a series of denials.

Now the big decision, can I do this on my own.

A shame I love him so much!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009):

im having the same problem .. i had my second baby in october so i know my body is not perfect.. we just moved a month ago and when i was moving his clothes i found a video hidden in his sweatshirt.. he said he had never watched it and he didnt have it that long .. i dont believe it .. he had told me when we first got together he didnt watch porn , he didnt care for it .. i thought oh thank god .. i was just getting over the fact that he had that one when 2 days ago i asked to use the laptop to listen to music outside, as i started to type in project playlist .. i saw other sites that had been visited.. starting with P .. One was porn hub.. i was soo upset .. i called him outside and asked him what this was? of course again he is lying .. telling me that one of his friends had looked it up .. im hurt and dissappointed.. its more than the porn its the lying .. how can you stay with someone you cant trust? im just about to make him leave .. id rather be alone than have him keep hurting me ..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009):

maybe your husband looks at porn because when he approaches you for sex, you shoot him down, or you say yes but your body language says no. i look at porn about once a day. but i approach my wife for sex first, is she says yes, she then cops a attitude, gets annoyed were having sex, and or just lays there and waits for it to be over. so when we have sex it doesnt feel intimate. and later she will ask me will you do ____ for me and if im in the middle of something, she expects me to drop what im doing that second and do as i was told, if not she says well i let you have sex the least you can do is what i asked. so all you POWER TO THE WOMAN morons, need to realize manipulating your man through sexual blackmail will only result in resentment and power to anyone in a relationship would not make that relationship more loving it what you would do is make him stop looking at you as a intimate partner and see you as a manipulator/control freak, the bottom line. porn is not bad unless you are waiting for him to come have sex and he would rather watch porn. Woman wake up!!! if your using sex to get your husband to do things for you he's going to develope a porn collection, you want your husband to loose the porn? don't be such a turn off. manipulation, control, judgement, jelousy, selfishness, all big turn offs. try this next time he's watching porn throw on only a long shirt and some sexy pantys, go in the room he is watching it in and cuddle up to him, and watch it with him keeping the judgement to your self, and allow yourself to enjoy it.remember that old saying "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all". studys have shown men and woman have the same responce to visual sexual stimuly, only diffrence men allow the responce to transmit to the brain and get turned on, woman get horny but there brain blocks impulse. if he is watching girl on girl porn ask him to put on something with men and woman so you can enjoy it also. and watch how it will be a plus to your relationship. when a man masterbates it has nothing to do with his woman, its not always about you and when he's with you he's not compairing you to the porn stars, he's thinking about the sex he's having. i don't know one guy who would actually have sex with a porn star, there slutty loose whores, who wants that? but they movies appeal to all men visually. if a man masterbates its cuz he can't have sex, not as a revenge tactice aimed at his woman. remeber

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009):

As a disclaimer I've never parted ways with a women or discussed porn with her in that setting before. I've been in long & short relationships like most people & am considered by almost everyone with out having to big an ego an excellent catch with a great job, house, athletic, communicative & out going however...

I'm starting to question why I even need to meet a women for marriage anymore. I've talked to some here & there, get numbers but before we have sex just a couple dates in I loose interest putting in the effort & feel bad if we were to have sex & break up right after so I end it. Porn easy to get off with & when it comes down to it I would rather talk & hang with my guy friends.

I feel this is a trend that is going to start becoming more common as marriage declines. This will be a slow transition but our society is becoming a lot more plugged in while putting less importance on real life human interaction.

I've been thinking about this for a while as it starts to make more sense but still feels a little odd of a concept.

"The allure of sex pulled out of the equation due to quantity & accessibility of internet porn, relationship women are loosing their edge; ie replaced by porn."

Our generation will see a mix of men trying the relationship w/porn however as next generation rolls over this relationship concept will start to fade out similar to the newspaper or home phone line replaced by the internet yet still some people hold on. This movement will also create a new industry revolved around rising & carrying children if not done in tubes.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009):

Well I think that everyone who says pornography is ok is a flaming idiot. I think that men and boys look at it for sexual gratification and curiosity. This then leads to perverted and extreme paraphilia. Men usually develop fetishes and then become sexual deviants. Women have a hard enough time keeping up with being a girlfriend, wife, mother, sister, daughter, etc. without having to compete with pornstars online. Its ridiculous to set these types of standards for ourselves and I also believe that these men can not stop themselves from this most men have seen porn and it plays into every male instinct that they have. It plays on the natural order of things, but twists it into something more bizarre and demented. Do me a favor girls BLOCK THE SHIT!! If they dont like it tell them to hit the road most men who care will give up the porn eventually when you give them the big U so quit sitting there talking about therapy cause hes only going so that you will shut-up. (he will probably look at it as soon as you go to bed.) Take the crack away wait for the withdrawls then sell him the good stuff until he is addicted to you again. Oh and as a former PSO please know if your hubby is looking at porn and dissociating himself from the real world check the credit card statement because that is not all he is doing.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009):

I'm a guy that has finally realized that this porn pastime has taken over my life.

Bottom line is that it is an addiction and should be treated as such. To the guys that keep lying to themselves, all I have to say is you are throwing your life away. Think about it. How much time do you spend looking at porn a month. I spend at least 30 hrs that is 1hr a day, I'm sure other guys look at porn more or less, the point is that --think about all the time you have wasted over the time you have been looking at porn. Now, let's talk about money, I spend at least $80 a month, when you add up all the money you have spend buying porn products, you can probably pay for a nice vacation with your family. Finally, relationships. How many have you thrown away because of the this addiction. Because that is what it is an "ADDICTION" - Again to those guys that say it is not a big deal- All I have to say is that it is just a metter of time like any other addiction it will take over your life and you will loose many precious things because of it. What finally made me stop was when my daughter was born. I could not look at her in the eyes knowing that I was a porn addict. For all those woman that have posted here -- I want to apologize for all those men that have not realized the seriousness of the issue.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009):

I think that men are disgusting!!I have been in a two year relationship and my partner was at the same thing. I think if someone really loves you they will not go to that extent to hurt you!They could at least give you the respect and dignity you deserve. It does not matter who you are or what you are! As a women/mother/wife/girlfriend we should get the respect we deserve!! The men should let us know they want the porn they cant have their cake and eat it... THEY ARE LOSERSSSS!!!!!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009):

The last thing I would ever want my partener to be thinking about during sex with me is "I really you to try ______ because I imagined doing it with someone else earlier today" For people who are OK with that, I feel sorry for you.

Maybe explain to him that your fantasy is to be with someone who is a better provider, can carry on a conversation, and is solid as a rock. Since that isn't "visual" (which is the man's excuse) you are going to go _experience_ it by being with someone else so you can live out YOUR fantasy! See how manly he feels then.

I love how men cry that they _need_ their porn, and that there are women that cave to their bizzarre demands. Remind them that there is a body attached to the vagina they've been enjoying and that you deserve RESPECT. Ask them to think about someone treating their mom, sister, or daughter that way, and then remind them that you are someones mom, sister, or daughter.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009):

Wow...many women have this problem. I've read a book about a man's mind...and what I've learned...sex is basically all they think about!!! A women's mind is the complete opposite! I have the same problem as you do. My boyfriend looks at porn first thing in the morning, and about 5 times a day!!! We've been together for over a year now, so maybe he's bored of me? I don't know. Just for a little advice, 1st let him know that women are valuable people. WE'RE THE REASON WHY THERE'S PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET ON THE FIRST PLACE...WE GIVE BIRTH!! So, make him understand that we should be greatly respected. If that don't work, take away his "sexual priveledges"! If he wants porn, let him have it. He'll eventually get bored of it. Then he'll actually want to have the "real thing" with you. Have him kissing your feet for it! That's what I do...and surprisingly it worked. The more he looks at porn...the closer it will be to the time he gives up. If he NEVER gives up...take some time off from each other. This usually works because the other will learn how much value you are to him and how much he screwed up. POWER TO THE WOMEN!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2008):

This is a great post, but I really would love to know if there is a solution to all of this. Apart from leaving your husband or forcing him into therapy to see a doctor, which many men are reluctant to do. Has any woman actually managed to find a way to make her husband stop watching pornography. Solutions are greatly needed for any of you that have managed to find a way to make him stop....

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A female reader, uzume United Kingdom +, writes (13 December 2008):

Hi

I am so sorry to hear of yet another woman having to battle with her Husband about pornography.

I have had the same issue with my Husband and it is a much more complicated situation than it first appears.

My Husband started watching pornography when he was on cancer treatment at 18 - he had a huge operation where half his left shoulder was removed resulting in lymphedema in his left arm. It is permanently swollen and swells even more at the end of the day or in hot weather.

His initial "reason" for watching pornography and looking at magazines was that he felt unattractive and never thought he would meet someone to be with long term, let alone married.

I have fully explained my reasons for hating pornography - from exploitation to the links with drugs, child porn, human trafficking and other criminal activities all of which have been linked together with pornography. Aside from this, I feel so betrayed by him and hugely disappointed in him when I find out he has been viewing pornography. I get a feeling of anger and disgust for him and I hate feeling that way so i become resentful toward him for putting me in that position when he knows how i feel.

Apart from his actions, if i were to look at naked men regularly he would be really upset so it's a complete double standard. We have had long conversations about this - not emotional outbursts but proper, sit down, full discussions. He has said he understands how I feel and really doesn't want to hurt or upset me and has promised to stop. He has stated categorically that he believes pornography to be a negative thing because he believes it affects men's relationships with women due to the lowering of the emotional standard and hates the dead feeling he gets from it. he says the satisfaction is so short lived and he feels so bad after watching it that he doesn't understand why he watches it himself. He even stops for a while and then I find something on the internet he has forgotten to erase and it all starts again.

The problem is, I can't- and you can't "make" anyone stop doing this. Unless they want to and commit to it in their own heads, they will always go back to it whatever they have said to you or I.

I have had several relationships in the past and only one other man watched pornography. I hated it so much I left the relationship so I really don't know what will happen with this one. I married him with the understanding that pornography was in the past but it is still here.

I have recently put a pornography block on the PC to stop him looking but it is a band aid on a huge wound because if someone wants to look they will find a way.

I just can't understand it - my Husband is a clever, deep thinking and caring man... this is a huge blot on an otherwise fantastic landscape. I know no-one is perfect and neither of us are by any stretch of the imagination, however, this is something I can't get past considering the huge sacrifices I have made for us to be together. In comparison, he has sacrificed very little so i think i have the right to ask that he relinquish one thing I find disgusting and insulting.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008):

To the anonymous Male reader from June 29th. The intense response you're seeing comes from a huge pain. It's got nothing to do with trying to violate the rights of men. Why do you feel so violated? Perhaps because you are a casual user, you can't understand what we go through. Do you know what it's like to have your husband leave your bed (and yes we used to have frequent sex) repeatedly to whack off to images of unnaturally beautiful women. Do you know what it feels like to have your partner lose interest in you? Or want you to do bizarre sexual acts that are aggressive and bordering on cruel? Do you know what it feel like to know your partner will run to the computer when he has maybe only five minutes? When you're nursing the baby? Wrapping Christmas presents? Talking to his mother on the phone? We're talking a huge agony here, not an excuse to control men.

To the original poster, I am glad that you have gotten so much support on this issue. Take care and good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2008):

hey,

is it too much to ask for that the person we build our lives with have eyes for one person, sexually and romantically, always and forever? if it is (and i know it isn't, because i'm capable of it) i'd rather be alone and not let anyone make me feel like i'm not good enough.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2008):

Porn and masturbation are one thing. I enjoy it too and have viewed porn with him. I've even had photos of me taken and made movies - but it does not interest him. Those efforts just seem to make me look like an attention whore.

What gets me most about the porn viewing is the BETRAYAL. Men . . . If you say you don't like porn and pretend that you only have eyes for me . . . then I find out about your porn viewing, then I feel totally manipulated and lied to. You mislead me to believe that you were something else. You wouldn't like it if I did that to you, now would you?

Gosh - what if I had to view porn to get worked up to make love? I know men are sensitive to losing their virility and vitality, but we women who love you aren't that judgmental on your performance, aging and libido. At least I am not. Speaking of performance - imagine us getting off on watching some stud please their women and then you have to go to the bedroom with us and compete with that. Here she is, having sex with you in the flesh and having sex with another man in her mind. She isn't with you. Her mind and attention are somewhere else and she is using you basically as a dildo.

I also don't appreciate being lead astray. I got married to a man and then I find out that for the past 15 years he has been pursuing phone sex, online instant messaging and emailing different ladies who engage in his secret fetish. Wow - what a blow. I married under false pretense and now when he simply views porn it reminds me of his past. I feel betrayed all over again.

He expressed sorrow in therapy, but not enough to stop. He doesn't like me controlling him and he also loves me. Still . . . I wanted emotional and physical fulfillment and I am not getting it with him. Frankly, I am seriously thinking of becoming a lesbian.

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A female reader, al!$ha United States +, writes (1 November 2008):

It's unbelievable and baffling to actually see my life in so many other women experiencing the exact same hurt I feel everyday. I like 99% of women found porn on my husbands phone. He didn't have a computer at teh time so he used an alternate route. He is in the military and because of a family emergency I had to leave for awhile while he stayed behind and worked. While we were apart he went on deployment for two months and when he returned life was fabulous. Well to specters eyes and even mine for being blind no not realize the obvious. My husband is known to be a cheater. No I didn't know this before I met him but the truth always comes out too late right ladies?! Well after we were reunited I found porn on his cell phone. I am very against porn in every aspect there is known to man and I hate it. Magazines, tapes, cards, internet I dont care keep it the hell away from me. This is one of the very first things I tell people when I meet them. Some shy away but Im a bruitally honest person and very out spoken. So I told him that.. and what is the typical response by that time? Oh yeah no I totally understand Im not one of those guys! RIGHT! Well time went on I found it deleted it argued about it and he begged for forgiveness. A moment in life we've all been through right. Well it never went away guys just aren't as smart as us and we always find it one way or another. Over and over and finbally said Im done I can't take it anymore. He said fine just cut the internet off my phone. The phone was in his name. I stood there while he called put my name on his account and put a child block on his phone. God did I think it was a miracle. Well think again. Less than a month later the block was off and all over again. Finally we just shut his phone completely off. Cured it for awhile, til we just got a laptop. The laptop was a gift FOR ME might I add for when he leaves we can keep in touch. Well one evening after we have a little friend get together we get sexually active towards the end of the night. I am very petite, with dd tit's and am very sexually active. I like it more than he but it odded me that he was coming up with new things all by himself. I am usually the one taking control and he just lays on his back. lol. Well after awhile he desides he wants it anal. Like I said Im small and times in the past hurt so I never did it again. Well I'll do anything for him, so like most wives we suck it up just to make them happy. Well I did and we actually ended up really enjoying it. About three weeks later were laying down watchin a movie and he tells me why don't you go take a shower? WTF..I don't stink and I just got out like maybe five hours ago and haven't left the house. I shrugged it off but he kept insisting I should go. Pissed me off so I walked away and took a bath to cool off. Well when I came back he downloaded a bunch of porn and was jacking off right when I walked into the room. I almost died. My heart sank and I just started balling. It made me feel so low and ugly that it wasn't even funny. He said it was no big deal and turned it around on me that he had a rough day at work and hasn't done it in awhile. Right! Later that night after not talking since he came into the room and says well you know what pick either Im going to cheat on you or watch porn because deployment thats just what guys do so take your pick. I swallowed hard and said I don't want you to cheat on me. I started balling and slumped to the floor. He just laughed and walked away. Yes I knew it was time for a divorce. The next days we didn;t say a word. Sitting on the couch I sat next to him stared at the floor and said Im not in love with you anymore. I love the man I married not the man I live with. He turned to me in huge shock and said what? are you serious it was nothing. It's never nothing in their eyes but god it ruins us in ours. I used to be confident and beautiful, stunning and actractive now he isolates me into nothing. No family no friends and walks all over me and expects me not to have an opinion. Well Im done Porn has came between me and my marriage and created this ungrateful hurtful person. Sad part is they don't really realize it til its too late!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008):

It's true that most men do look at porn but if they are doing it behind your back and know that it hurts you then it feels like a betrayal. It feels just like you caught them cheating. It doesn't matter if it was a real person or not- all the feelings are the same when you find out. I have been on all sorts of sites about this and the one thing that bothers me the most is the people who can't truely understand THAT feeling and try to tell you that it's really no big deal and that you shouldn't let it bother you because it is "harmless". I feel what I feel and don't need someone telling me HOW I should feel. I am one of those women who are bothered by it and that is just how I feel. I caught my husband downloading a massive ammount of porn on my 40th birthday! What a great gift that was! That was 6 years ago. He knew how terrible it made me feel and saw what it did to me and promised he would change. It was hard for me to forgive but I did and gave him the chance because he said he didn't want to lose me. Since then I have had it happen to me 4 more times! I have children, a house, and I don't know what to do. I just know that this is something I CAN'T live with and its ruined me emotionally connected to my husband. I don't think I will ever feel the same again. How can a marriage survive without trust? How can someone say they love you but hurt you by betraying you over and over? How many times can one forgive someone for the same thing? This is a really BIG problem for many of us women and we should be treated with more respect than to just have to "put up with it" because it is "really not that bad" or "not like he is cheating" Promising to be faithful doesn't just mean you won't have an affair it means you will be true and loyal to your spouse and doing this or anything you know is hurtful to them behind their backs is breaking thatvow.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008):

Its true that most men do like porn. But when you find out that your man REALLY likes it and looks at it almost every time you leave them alone in the house with the computer - its pretty depressing. Thats not normal. There is a huge difference between the daily dose and an occasional look.

There is nothing wrong with my looks or weight, and for that matter my husband is young healthy and good looking, so why the hell does he spend hours looking at porn and then trying to delete it from the computer... however he remains one step behind me when deleting the evidence.

When u ask them - you get a stupid answer, they are always in denial about it. I've tried saying What if i looked at porn? response - i don't care.(WTF) I've tried holding back on sex, that makes things worse and they act like they now have a reason to look.

depening on what level you are at in being fed up - you can take the computer away, and tell them you've had enough of their crap, and its was the computer or you. If they have a problem with it, put your foot down and tell them your finished with them. If they care enough they will get help, if they don't - how ridiculos is it to stay with them. The worst part is the little regard of our feelings - thats the part they don't seem to understand.My husband can't seem to comprehend what i don't like about it, ummm the fact that your wacking off looking at other girls and that makes me feel like dirt. But its like talking to a brick wall. I just take the laptop with me now when i go out (got rid of the pc)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008):

It's just sad - this new phenomenom of porn watching. It seems in all the posts I read it is all the same for women. It is a feeling of humiliation - of being to made to feel unsexually worthy and undesirable.

When the men write and I view these posts and they are apparently shocked. Why should they be? Every woman feels the same here so obviously they should keen up and listen.

We don't like it. It's selfish - destructive to a relationship and horrible. If you are young and single then go ahead if that is the lifestyle you want to lead, but if you want to have a relationship with a woman long term then show some respect..PLEASE. It's just wrong.

I have the same problem. I love my husband. But when I see him obviously fantasizing about other women and surfing porn I loose all respect for him and myself. I feel low. Marriage and porn just do not mix.

I know myself if this continues in my marriage I will leave. I'd rather be the loneliest woman in the world than have to feel as bad as I do when I come online and see these things on our family computer.

And when a man says "oh i'm not fantasizing about other women" I just want to say "okay how dumb do you think I am?" *laugh. Try another line like "i'm sorry - i know it's wrong - i'll get help or can you help me get through this??"

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008):

Ladies, ladies, ladies....don't listen to these men who say it's okay to look at porn....it's your self-esteem were talking about here! You know who you are! Why should you have to put up with that kind of behavior? Be honest, it bothers you!!!!

I left my husband after 17 yrs of porn and can say it was the best thing I ever did. He still lives in denial of his problem and still suffers from shame and anger...something he projected on to me for many years when getting caught. I asked him who he would feel if I sat around and looked at dicks all day, how would that make him feel and his response was "I wouldn't like it." Did he do anything to change his thoughts or behavior...no. Porn IS cheating!

I am much happier without him. I have regained my self-esteem and know that I am desirable and do not have to tolerate that kind of behavior from anyone. He is still angry because he can no longer manipulate me. All addicts are manipulators...that's what keeps their addiction at the forefront and keeps them in denial. He will always struggle with his addiction. I no longer have to deal with his shame.

Yes, he threw our marriage away and yes, he has deep regrets.

So....my advice to you men who question wheather viewing porn is wrong...trust me, it is. You stand to lose in every relationship you encounter - most women who have any self-respect and integrity will not put up with being second, regardless of what you think.

For all you women out there....stand up for yourselves! Men exploit women and it does nothing for our society!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2008):

Porn addiction is common for men or women. How can you tell if it is an addiction: When a person can't or won't stop acting out sexually looking at porn even though it affects them or those around them.

You probably can't stop them from engaging in this compulsive behavior but you can help by attending Co-Sex Addicts Anonymous (Cosa). Sex Addicts Anonymous is a support group for sex addicts who "want" to stop acting out with porn and other sex related compulsive behavior - Cosa is for family members and friends of people we suspect may have a sexual addiction problem.

Please google "Sex Addicts Anonymous" and obtain a contact number for Cosa and start attending meetings. Also read books written by Patric Carnes about sexual addiction.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008):

I have the same problem. We have a good healthy sex life, or did. Lately I haven't felt up to having sex with him, knowing that he is looking at that stuff just hurts. I feel like a complainer as I have mentioned it to him before. (We have been together for over ten years.) After mentioning it to him and how it made me feel (and throwing a total two year old temper tantrum that I am quite ashamed of) the issue hasn't come up again until lately.

I don't have a problem with an occasional porn magazine, or an occasional dirty movie or whatever. Heck while I don't really enjoy them I would watch them with him (I am a strong believer in compromise.) However, knowing that he is surfing internet porn (and really not knowing if he is watching or participating in some way) and HIDING the fact from me hurts. On one hand I don't want to bring it up again (not only for the 5 years of him telling me how I gave him a complex), but also because I don't want to have a problem with it. For me there is this invisible wall, on one side is a little porn watching that is OK (and isn't hidden from me) and the other side is not OK (and is hidden from me.)

I don't know what to do or say. However, it makes me feel unattractive (and therefore kills my sex drive). I really want to be OK with it. I totally understand he has a life outside of me, but shouldn't I be included in something so intimate? He isn't really cheating on me, but I feel like he is...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008):

I know what your going through. I have been married for 5 years and while our sex life is not the same as when we were dating, it is good. Better than good really, but in the last couple of years my husband has gotten to the point that he watches and masterbates to porn, mostly on the internet quite a bit. This really bothers me and he knows it. I am 26 and in good physical shape and I'm a pretty good looking girl but it makes me feel like I'm not good enough when I get on the computer and see where he's been looking at porn. When we started dating I had an eating disorder and he helped me deal with it but now sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me and why I'm not enough for him that he looks at porn. In my head I know its him but that doesn't help. When I've brought it up before he always apologizes and promise to stop but then I'll catch him sneaking around to watch it and when I confront him he gets all defensive and complains that I don't trust him. I know he loves me but no matter how much I explain it to him he doesn't seem to get that this makes me feel like I used to when I made myself sick. I don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it. btw...if this advice is from some horny guy that masterbates all day to porn that's going to tell me its normal and I should get over it, u can kiss my ass!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008):

I have read everything that has been written here...looking for help and answers to the same problem I am having with the man I live with. It started 3 years ago when I moved in with him. We had only known each other for a short time prior to my moving out of state and in with him. While we connect on many levels...and in many ways are very good for each other...the issue of his internet porn habits creates a divide for me in what should be a wonderful relationship.

He had lived alone for 10 years prior to my moving in...and used internet porn...if not daily...pretty close. When I moved in with him...our sex life was not what people who just started to live with each other. While he talked alot about having great sex with me...it never happened. Why I wondered until one day I did some snooping on his screen names (he wanted us to share all the same passwords) and found an incredible amount of 'favorite' porn saved.

I asked him about it...and he shrugged it off to old habits.

But...the old habits are still around to this day. They are not old...they are just habits. I tried in many ways to speak with him about my disappointment...he said he would try to focus on me...but...again to this day...whenever the door closes behind me when I leave...there he goes...masterbating to internet porn. He claims he has enough sexual energy for both his habit and for me...but...it never materializes. I believe it saps him of energy and interest in me. I asked him to promise not to view porn or masterbate for one month...and he did not. Not even that hiatus improved out sex life. It's as if he has no interest in sex with me...which he claims he does...so then why when the month was up he was back at it...and again I was left in the dust?

I believe he loves me...he trteats me in all other ways very well. He says the porn has nothing to do with his feelings for me...yet...it has alot to do with my feelings for him. He even knows that! It makes me depressed and unhappy. It makes me want to always be around so he does not have the opportuniy...which severally curtails my independent life.

I try so shrug it off...or see the bigger picture...but...everytime he is home alone...when I walk in the door...I feel distant from him. I don't want to live my life like this...yet...he wants to be with me 'forever'.

When I have gotten angry and told him maybe he should find a girl(s) that he apparently finds more attractive...he claims I am the only woman for him...and he is not interested in finding a new relationship. I am just at my wits end about all this. I would like to add...that I love sex. I am attractive and very adventurous in bad. It's not like he has a woman who is cold or uninterested. When I think of all the men out there that would prize having a woman lke me...it makes me all the more sad.

I want this relationship...but just don't know what else I can do...short of sex therapy for the two of us...which he wants no part of. He sees himself as "all boy", average...and without a problem. He is really being insenitive to my needs and desires...and to making this a better relationship for the two of us. I would like to hear from some men...who might better explain this whole problem to me. Is internet porn...and DVD's all that important when you have a woman who loves and cares for you in every way?

Is looking at pictures more satisfying that touching another human? I just don't get it...and am trying hard to understand...for the sake of this relationship.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2008):

Your husband is horny. Pure and simple, and chances are its not just your looks that are throwing him, it might also be a a lack of fun, excitment in the bedroom. For men foreplay is 75% psychological, 25% physical, so get creative, and keep working on your weight, your doing the right thing.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2008):

Hi, I have tonight just caught my b/f lying about being on a 'usual' porn website. He lives quite a distance from me, and gets bored when we are not together, so tells me he does this to get over the boredom. I can tell you, it hurts me inside, that he needs to do this, when I know I give him what he needs sexually. So, not only is he looking, he is also lying. I'm not sure which is worse. I don't feel I deserve to be treated in this way, so I am now seriously thinking about ending the relationship. Whats worse - being unhappy alone, or being unhappy because the man you love just doesn't respect you and continues with the emotional hurt?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008):

I am having the same problem and I can't seem to find an answer to why he likes porn. when I ask him he will tell me that he hates porn. But yet then again he countinuse to look at naked girls or anything that has to do with pron?

Have you found anything that has helped you so far?

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A female reader, blondie8807 United States +, writes (19 August 2008):

I agree with a few of you. I'm in a relationship where he looks at porn and masterbates more than once a day. We also have sex between 1-5 times a day. I wish I knew how to help him and why hes doing it, but I don't. However, I don't understand it when men say or act like the need porn(primarly internet), because at some point in time men didnt have porn, internet, or even computers. It also wasn't as common for a man/woman to have an affair years ago. I think that if any want(not need) I had hurt and really just fucked with "the love of my life's" head...I would drop it immediately, wouldn't touch it again! It hurts my self esteem, security, and it kind of scares me! How do I know what this might lead to in a couple years. I have several ideas none of them are good. If your spouse loves and respects you, they would care enough about your feelings to quit watching porn, because they don't need it! You should mean way more to them than fake blondes with fake tits having fake orgasms online! please comment back

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008):

In marriage, you present vows of trust, love and faithfulness before God, your friends and family.

If it is stipulated anytime before, or during

the marriage that one or both partners feel that

viewing porn is an act of betrayal in a partnership,

or breaking of the marriage vows, then viewing porn, whether in secret.. or right up in your partner's face

is absolutely cheating.

It is no longer simply picking up a Playboy magazine or glancing at a naked photo online, NOW it is live chat,

live webcams, and the "ability" to pursue a relationship with someone you are viewing in an intimate manner.

If you are going to view it secretly and get involved further than viewing, then you have lost the value and trust in your marriage.

My husband has more covert operations embedded on our computer than the army navy OR marines. I have learned every aspect of how to find and retrieve embedded files, documents, shared folders, locked sites, direct mapping,

links, temporary operations, dos operations, videos, cams, gateways and shared accesses.

He has burned out three hard drives from viruses

planted while he was viewing hard porn..he is now into subtle, soft porn because he nearly lost me last year

..and his heart can't take the stress anymore.

In my marriage, it is not a question of, IF I am satisfying my husband sexually..he is totally satisfied when we make love..it is however, his selfishness and self interest

in pursuing this activity, almost the day after we make love which is eroding our marriage.

He overcame alcohol and has not touched a drop in

over eight years.

For some reason, he cannot see that viewing porn is

just as addictive.

I don't care if you are gay, straight, bi-sexual or

non-sexual, this DEVASTATES relationships and is

JUST the same as running around off-line with

a hooker or your next affair.

My husband does not "value" me because he won't change

his behaviour.

He places this crap above our marriage and if your husband or wife or lover is doing this too, then use your intelligence to get out of the relationship or seek help.

Stop excusing it as your poor sex life, or he needs this because he has more testosterone, or you aren't really an attractive person, or it is just "normal" male behavior in relationships.

It is immature, and very screwed up thinking, and needs to be addressed by a therapist or a divorce, whichever comes first.

Just so I am not misconstrued in anyway, let me repeat,

the above applies IF you have placed vows and stipulated preferences, or rules INTO your relationship.

If you are single, anything goes, screw whoever you want to, look at porn until your eyes pop out, catch diseases and get pregnant all you want to. You are single!

If your partner accepts it, perfect, great, more power

to you, love it, dig it..live it..

However, when you place vows before God and other

people who love you, you have a responsibility to

listen to..respect..and value your partner and what

they tell you "hurts" them...emotionally.

If you turn from these things, you turn away from

your marriage or loving partnership, placing your

own self-interests before them.

I would like to walk back into the church where we were married and present this mess in front of God, our friends and family, to see exactly what their reactions would be

JUST to be sure I am not being "frigid" or "controlling" which seems to be the "reason" most often given for

women (or men) who are "upset" by this kind of behavior.

The bright side to this ongoing situation, is that when

I do catch him at it..he actually admits it and says he

is just looking a little, which is better than the outright

denial and lies he gave me in our first year of marriage.

It is an ongoing game of which I am exceedingly tired of...it drains the energy from me and my enthusiasm

for him as the man in my life and my lover.

To an alcoholic, "drinking a little" leads to a complete binge later on.

To the porn addict, "looking a little" leads to online communication which leads to possible off-line contact, (come on, it isn't that far of a leap)..

Everytime I find him viewing it..I have to weigh

how much, how long, how hard core, and how bad I feel

about it and this is what my reactions are based on.

By no means does the partner of the porn addict have

to be submissive in this scenario.

Keep documents, copies of all images you find,

all chat room activity, all websites visited, all files.

Take them with you whenever you decide you've had enough and want any of the following:

1. An uncontested divorce

2. Peace of mind..

3. Your spouse to go to a pschologist or marriage counselor.

The documents you hold are walking proof of infidelity

in your marriage.

Use them to your advantage...whenever you've had enough..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008):

You are correct, that this a form of cheating. The only problem is that he is probably addicted and will lie but will not stop. The only thing that can be done is to do something to him on a regular basis that the despises and and finds distasteful. You will feel better if there is equal dilemas going on. Make sure that it is something that is good for you and that you find great pleasure in, maybe something that you gave up for his sake. This should balance out your feeling of being cheated. Get even. Enjoy.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008):

To DianaLynn:

It has been suggested here that looking at porn equates to infidelity, and that the correct way to handle this issue may be to ban all married men from looking at pornography.

As a man, I think I have the right to be a little shocked about these suggestions.

If you don't see these ideas as more than a little bit draconian, then perhaps you'd feel differently if we let men ban certain habits of women whenever we don't particularly like them. Maybe reading romance novels should be equated with illegal infidelity too?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008):

Hi dianalynn,

I really wasn't going to respond to this post, because I feel women with views like this need somewhere to cry their troubles out. But do you notice that only two men have responded, it's not that their afraid, but they know the solutions insecure women are seeking cannot be reached. Be glad that he took the time to explain. There are many men on this board, but most of them take one look here and then go off. Cry all you want, your men will never change. My opinion remains the same MOST MEN, (NOT ALL) LOOK AT PORN, and if you can't stand that then stay alone untill the world changes, or stay alone untill you find that rare porn free man.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008):

Here's what worked for me. I made a deal with my husband. I bought a digital video camera. In exchange for him getting rid of his porn, I allowed him to film us once a month with the understanding that he could do whatever he wanted with me. He gets to live out his fantasies and watch it later on his computer. We've been doing this now for 3 years and so far so good. I've even lost some of my own sexual inhibitions in the process. I'm frequently an exhausted, sticky, cummy mess but I'm no longer paranoid about his porn viewing and our sex life is better than ever. Putting your foot down and demanding that he repress his own desires isn't a reasonable solution. You'll lose that battle. You'll either have to overcome your feelings about it or find a way to satisfy whatever need he has that the porn feeds into. There's no easy answer here.

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A female reader, dianalynn United States +, writes (17 July 2008):

I gotta get in on this...

To: A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008):

As a man, this discussion shocked me.

Ha ha ha...What BS! You are shocked by an exchange of thoughts and feelings amongst the real human beings posting here (!!!!)BUT not shocked by seeing a woman taking it in every orfice possible or the degree of what someone will let me done to their body for a buck? !!!

Hee hee hee, People, don't take this kind of person's thoughts as having any legitimate value...Think about it.

Do what is right for you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008):

I think it's time for women to turn the tables. Ok, there isn't anything sexual on the internet that geared for our sexual cyber-cravings...The alternative, the real thing...after all, what male would argue that there are boundries on what he expects as still morally sexual acceptable for him and then decide mine is not.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008):

I can relate to some degree on this issue. My 50 yr old fiance has been untruthful with me about his porn viewing. I say this without arrogance, I'm above average attractive, and younger than my fiance, and have a decent income. But lately, I still don't feel like "I'm" enough to satisfy his desires. And I don't have too "catch" him at it. I know exactly when he's is one of his porn "cycles" because...well...he "ain't" so good in bed anymore.(There some sound science research on this). It's when I know that I know and he lies about it, in the beginning that really pisses me off. He changes during his porn-viewing phases. He's told me he doesn't masterbate, and frankly, I don't have have a problem with masterbation. It's that there is a desensatizing effect and it take more and more visual stimulation for him to get the "fix" he's seeking. Men don't want to admit that their sexual performance is affected by porn, if they admit their performance isn't quite up to par, it's always work, pressure, finances, anything but the real truth. There is always some other "non-sexual" reason/excuse a man has for poor sex performance. Porn sets up his emotional, mental, and physical psychy for eventual demise of good-satisfying sexual interaction with a "real" female.

The decision to made by any woman who has a problem with her man's porn viewing and behavior isn't an easy one. I'm in that same dilemma myself right now. It has negatively impacted our relationship with trust and physically. (I'm finding myself less interested in sex with him, it's just not the same. It takes a while off the porn for him to be able to get his sexual stamina and normal sexual drive back, and I'm getting tired of the whole thing at this point). I think one day the whole issue of porn will come full circle with the end results being very negative to human sexuality. In the mean time, it's lure will most like harm or destroy a lot of relatiosnships...Perhaps my own included. One last note...Don't believe that every guy out there is into porn or views it. That is infatically FALSE. That's just one of those "well everybody does it, it's normal" excuses. Please don't buy into that. Hold accountability on an individual basis. What the hell happened to us as the supposed higher species?

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A female reader, Marlie33 United Kingdom +, writes (17 July 2008):

Marlie33 agony auntIve recently confronted something similar with my husband of less than a year. Although we have no internet access at home he has vast amounts of porn stored on his pc along with videos/DVDs etc.

When he initially moved in with me 18 mths ago I expressed concern at the volume and contant of the porn he had and how accessible it was as I have an 8 yr old son from a previous relationship. He agreed to remove it from the pc but didn't get rid of it, just stored it on discs (he has 4 discs full of images of various women alone before we get to the films and movies)

I'm open minded and have a much higher sex drive than my husband. We have a reasonably good sex life and try to spend time together on our own when we can. This is why his porn habit concerns me so much. I never refuse to have sex with him, am adventurous and will happily experiment within reason (so far I've never said no to anything he's asked) so why does he still feel the need to use porn?

Like many of the posts on here, I've tried talking to him about it to bring it into the open but is's almost as if he doesn't want to. I've explained logically and unemotionally what I find offensive about the kind of porn he's watching but again this too doesn't sink in, the generic phrase is "All men look at porn, it's what we do"

to my mind, single men look at porn, men in loving relationships should be more cautious. I enjoy some porn, there are many elements of it I will happily share with him, i certainly would never ban it, it's the content that i object to and the fact that he cannot offer me a reasoned argument as to why he has to view these types of images.

My advice is similar to other peoples, accept that some porn viewing is ok but make it absolutely clear that there are boundaries to this and that you will seek counselling if it becomes a problem in your marriage.Don't vilify him for it but equally don't allow him to ride rough shod over your feelings either.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008):

As a man, this discussion shocked me.

I feel for the original poster and for all women (and men) who have issues with porn. But the conclusions that are being drawn about what to do about it on here are flattening me.

Deciding that it's wrong for married men to look at porn just on principle? Implying that looking at porn somehow equates to a form of INFIDELITY? Incredible. Just incredible.

I've been sitting here for several minutes trying to come up with a response that adequately conveys everything that I want to say about this stuff. But I just can't do it. I don't think any real communication is possible between myself and someone who thinks this way.

I don't feel very attached to porn. I look at it sometimes, but I never have thought it was so grand as to hurt a girlfriend's feelings over it. And I appreciate the fact that porn has the potential to do great harm with certain kinds of people and situations. Addictive behaviours, harmful fetishes, etc.

But I feel such a strong sense of violation at some of these suggestions on here, that I suddenly feel like I'm ready to go to war for the porn industry now just on principle.

I am male, and being male is not a second-class status. Porn does not do any more harm that tons of other things that we allow and embrace. The only difference is that it's more gender-specific than certain other potentially addictive things.

I am past the point of even being self-rightous or angry about this. I'm all the way to just feeling hopeless now. I don't know how the genders will ever be able to even have a civilized conversation.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008):

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to say alot of things here makes sense and I see where some of you are in where or what to do if this porn situation bothers you. What bothers me about my husband is that he keeps telling me I promise I won't do it again and yet still to this day he does it and the way I see it is he is trying to win this over me by simply letting me know he still looks at porn but will never leave me. And honestly I am tired of the bullsh*t on every mans mouth when they say I promise I won't do it again and does so. The way I see it its a test on there part with the wife/girlfriend and testing our patience. I told him 3 stikes and you are out. This is the second time he did that. And it makes me wonder if he is buying time and to be honest we women are not getting any younger and its hard to stay looking good in this world when men are always looking for a Barbie doll. If you know the Bible by heart or at least understand it it says "if you lust at another woman not your wife then you have committed adultery in your heart." So tell me where a wife stands when this happens to her? Is God going to bless her for the marriage knowing she knows about it and looks the other way? Is she in sin even though she knows about it about couldn't get her husband to stop? Let me ask you how can you be blessed when there is sin in your marriage even though you are not the one doing the sin? Where do you stand in this one? Please let me know I am still learning here...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008):

Unfortunately, you can't make him understand.

It is not something you are lacking in your relationship, there is nothing wrong with you, in other words, YOU can't do anything to change this all you can do is figure out if you can live with it or not and make a decision based on that. Divorce lawyers are stating 50% of divorces are citing porn as a cause of divorce now, this was unheard of 15 years ago.

The advice you recieved to spice up your sex life won't work, he will still watch porn.......the advice to get over it won't work, you will be unhappy and untrue to yourself. Your husband is not respecting you, he is being unfaithful to the marriage, he is spending his sexual energy on the computer, or vids.....you get the idea.

Visit this website, it is helpful and you will gain an understanding of what is going on in your man's head...npsupport.net

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008):

It's early days but I think eventually society will decide that it's not acceptable for men in relationships to use porn. It's not that long ago that drink driving was trivialised, kids were physically punished. Nowadays you can barely have a fag! Who would have thought. Too many women are being hurt and those who say they don't mind well, is that confidence or no self respect. Women are actually divorcing their husbands because of this so it is a serious issue. However, unlike buying dirty mags and videos, the only people likely to find them out (or care) are their wives and that doesn't seem to stop them. They need more of a threat. Lorena Bobbit springs to mind. Yes it's a man thing and it doesn't mean they're a pervert or they don't love you. But relationships have boundaries and for most women I believe this to be one of them. You deserve better. Don't compromise your integrity.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (5 June 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntIf you want to make him understand, talking to him is useless.

He will treat it as nagging and will ignore you .

The only way he understands is through actions.

Pack your bags and leave till he hoist the white flag of surrender .

He will know that it is not worth losing you over those porn.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008):

look i dont know you but take my word if he wont stop looking at you know leave him he dose not care about you if he looks at other ladies i mean sluts with there brest and thingstake control as wemen we stand together take the computer some where else!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008):

I'm a new mom with the same problem. I've done everything possible to make him understand and he just doesn't get it. He probebly never will. Having had our first baby only 5 months ago I still don't look like I used to and I think this is were we are so similar: as the woman in the relationship it's up to us to take control of our emotions. If we let something our husband does, like look at these magazines and online, allow us to feel poorly of ourselves, then we have given him too much power over us. Our husbands do not make us. They are humans with faults just as we are. I'm sure there are things that you do to upset him; he just doesn't tell you. I've made the decision to take control of my emotions and have the power to say, "No. This is not going to bother me. He loves me, and this is just one of his faults. I will not let that affect our relationship." Trust me, its hard, and hurts. But think of your life with out this in it, Is he still a good man? He's not cheating on you, paying for sex, or telling you to lose weight. STOP letting your emotions run you and your mind. I'd love to chat with you more if you need to [email address blocked] Remember, he does love you and even if you were...Pamala Anderson, he'd still look at it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008):

I just found out after 22 years of marriage my husband has been looking at porn and had sex with another woman 3 times. I am over weight too, and my suggestion is LOSE THAT WEIGHT NOW!!!! Get help-friends, family, doctors, weight watchers, anything. You don't want to end up like me, I promise, it's too painful!!! You don't want to wake up when you're 50 and wish you'd done it differently. Be determined and pray for help and the determination to follow through!!!

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (4 May 2008):

Laura1318 agony aunt

Some people are too blind .

They can only see with their eyes but not with their hearts.

And the eyes can only see the surface of things.

Do not be rash or too quick to judge a person or u could

regret for the wrong decisions.

Give a person time to change or give him another chance or forgive a person for his trespasses.

Try to understand him . Are men all like that ?

Can u accept such a behaviour from him?

Are u looking for some one more perfect or your expectation is too high ?

Let's not be blind to what’s really important in our lives.

It is love that made two people see who and what they are.

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A female reader, PreciousNY United States +, writes (1 May 2008):

Hi

I have written in about this very same issue that most women have, and came to realize from everyone's opinion's that a man's watching porn really doesn't have anything to do with their partner or how they feel about you. It is a guy thing and if it is not interfering with your sex life, or how he's treating you than I wouldn't stress over it. It's understandable that some men do not feel comfortable with viewing porn with their partners and that's ok too. It also doesn't matter how much you weigh or what you look like. A man can be married to the most gorgeous woman in the world and he is still going to watch porn. See what he is watching and what interests him and maybe take initiative to experiment a little with your husband if you feel comfortable enough to do so. I'm sure there isn't a woman in the world that has a partner whom doesn't view porn every now and again. I would also have a talk with him and just tell him how it makes you feel, maybe all you need is a little reassurance from him that you are the one and only for him and he doesn't love or desire you any less. This is such a common thing and you aren't alone.

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A female reader, Pumpkin Spice United States +, writes (1 May 2008):

Pumpkin Spice is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thanks everyone who answered me. i will try everyones suggestions. i really never thought that i would get any answers. it is very fustrating i do know that. i actually tried looking at it with him but he got embarassed and i felt like i didnt belong. i dont know but maybe if we have a talk and see if there is something else going on. thanks again

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008):

Many, actually most men, do spend some time looking at porn especially when they want to masturbate. It has nothing to do with his partner but more about the enjoyment of self-pleasure. There is a different feeling between masturbation and sexual intercourse and most men enjoy partaking in both. There is nothing wrong with looking at porn as long as it is legal pornography. I recommend trying to view some with him, make it a sexual couple activity.

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A male reader, PeterPan United States +, writes (30 April 2008):

PeterPan agony auntBoy, this is a BIG deal these days. I spent the last day reading blogs on the very topic of husbands/partners being overly absorbed in internet porn.

I think that there's something going on between you two... or more direct, there's a lack of something going on. I hate to say this, but you need to (gently) corner him and get the straight truth. Is he happy with you? Is there something going on at work? Other issues that might be causing him to close you off and seek (more or less) immediate anonymous gratification from porn... there might be a whole other issue that's really bothering him... I guess the bottom line here is to (a) get him to open up and share what's in his head and (b) communicate.

As I was saying before, it seems that the professionals are now categorizing internet porn like other addictions (drugs, alcohol, etc.). If you think this is serious enough, you might want to consider professional assistance...

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A female reader, Susan Strict United Kingdom +, writes (30 April 2008):

Susan Strict agony auntJust because he looks at porn it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that he doesn't find you attractive.

It makes you feel that he wants something different - something he can see in the porn and can't see in you, and that feels like he is being unfaithful.

It's not always the case. In fact frequently it's not the case. You can tell him how unhappy you are about it, but you may do better by trying to find out the reasons behind it.

What is it that makes the porn attractive to him? Is it simply different women's bodies? Usually there's more to it - clothes, what they're doing, attitude, toys or accessories - there's nearly always something more than just "sexy" women. In other words, there's something that you can easily have, do or be, with him.

Nine times out of ten all we need to do to get our husbands/partners away from paying more attention to porn than to us is to put a bit of sparkle back into our relationship - and if the porn he's looking at gives us the clue to the sparkle he wants then so much the better. He's usually too clueless or embarrassed to explain it properly himself. That's what so many men are like - clueless. It's up to us to take them in hand (literally, maybe!) and sort them out.

I'm sure you can attract his interest again. Go for it.

Good luck.

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A female reader, :):):) United Kingdom +, writes (30 April 2008):

Most of the girls in the porn industry are unnaturually thin and in magazines-airbrushed.They dont represent real women. Most men look at porn from time to time and it doesnt mean to loves you any less.He wouldnt be with you if he didnt find you attractive. The attraction of the porn is usually the result of curiosity, nothing more. If he married you then he its evident that he loves you dearly. xxx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008):

Hello... i think that all men need that kind of space...its not abnormal for your man to be looking at porn...most men do it weather or not they have a fat, skinny, beautiful,ugly,gorgeous or sexy wife...you shouldn't let it get to you...if you can't get over it confront him about your weight loss and tell him how you feel..assert yourself don't let him turn the conversation into what you do wrong.

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