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My husband wants to keep both his family and his girlfriend, what should I do?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 June 2010) 19 Answers - (Newest, 4 June 2010)
A female Hong Kong age 51-59, *harcoal writes:

my husband has an affair

my daughter discovered her father's affair through his cell phone. my husband felt guilty but he wanted to keep both his family and his gf. he promised me his gf won't be his mistress and that his family is always his number one priority. my daughter was strongly against his father's unfaithful act and dispalyed all sorts of negative behaviour. i still love my husband very much. what should i do?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010):

Well you did the right thing by telling him he needed to make a choice however he has obviously chosen. Unfortunately he is the one making the situation harder and causing more turmoil for you r daughter who obviosly wishes this women were not in the picture. I say leave him...maybe he doesn't think you would ever have the courage to leave so hes staying with her because he thinks he can get away with it. Maybe once you actualy leave him, he will want to come back and just be with you. Then it is up to you to decide if you still want to be with him because of the hurt that he has caused.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (4 June 2010):

I think you're a saint for trying so hard, but your husband is just so appalling that I think you do need to make the choice. You musn't let this man treat you this way.

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A female reader, yowie Australia +, writes (4 June 2010):

yowie agony auntof course YOU can choose! The very fact he won't (not can't) make a choice, and is saying you and your daughter are making it worse, shows he has no interest in how either of you feel. Family is not his priority - HE is his priority.

Hugs and best wishes to you and your daughter.

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A female reader, Charcoal Hong Kong +, writes (4 June 2010):

Charcoal is verified as being by the original poster of the question

My husband has an affair (cont'd)

Thanks for all your valuable advice. I asked my daughter how she looks at a divorce. Does she feel very uncomfortable? Does she feel sorry about losing a family? Does she mind about how others look at her? Would she welcome a reunion if father promises not to see the woman again? She is giving a "NO" to the first 3 questions and a "DEFINITE YES" to the last question. I also mentioned to her that there might be a chance that the custody goes to father. Pity her she said that she wanted to voice in court with a preference to live with me. I then talked to my husband and insisted him to make a choice because I feel that it'll be kind of difficult to live on the same platform with the woman. I never pushed him to choose me and our family I just left him a choice to be fair to me. Ultimately, he replied he did not want to choose and commented that I was only magnifying the matter and doing harm to my daughter cuz my daughter is also magnifying this matter plus we would still think that he is lying. Can I choose myself instead?

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A female reader, yowie Australia +, writes (3 June 2010):

yowie agony auntYour husband is not worth your time.

His family is obviously NOT his first priority, or we wouldn't be here to start with. He sounds like he wants this woman for access to her money, so really he's being two-faced to her too.

He wants to have a GF, but you can't have a BF because he wouldn't like it. He doesn't want anyone else to know about this. I assume because he will lose face with everyone? So tell them, tell them all. And leave. This is not just about what's right for you, but what's right for you AND your daughter, and you have already said it is affecting your daughter badly. I appreciate this is difficult for you, and I wish you all the best.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010):

Well if you can put the affair past you and work on things then that is fine. The only problem is its not just up to you, your husband has to be willing to put the affair behind him as well which means cutting off contact from this other woman to provide hurting his family (you and your daughter) even more. The only thing is will you ever be able to trust him again? Trust is the foundation to a healthy relationship. If not you will find yourself feeling paranoid all the time and you will resent your husband big time. Those will also deteriorate a relationship. It will take effort to get it back on track but it is possible. You seem willing but your husband is being very selfish by wanting to keep his "girlfriend". If he keeps that up, i would try separating from him. Quite often "the grass is always greener on the other side". He may have been taking you for granted so when you are no longer there, he may miss you. HE may realize that he is really not as in love with this girl on the side. The ball is really in your court since he is the one who messed up. And just remember, if you feel like you would be unhappy without him, you wont be. It will be hard for a while but you will meet someone who loves you and who won't betray you.

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A female reader, Carrot2000 United States +, writes (3 June 2010):

Carrot2000 agony auntWell, if he goes to jail, neither you nor the girlfriend will have him. Problem solved!

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (3 June 2010):

End it. You're not even settling for second best. You're settling for a cheating man who is due in court, who will be broke, who won't let you have a parter. The list is endless. The man's a maggot. Leave him.

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A female reader, Charcoal Hong Kong +, writes (3 June 2010):

Charcoal is verified as being by the original poster of the question

my husband has an affair (cont'd)

After the birth of my daughter I quit my job and took care of my daughter and I do understand that my focus was pretty much on my daughter and hence, we were not as close as before and I didn't give my husband enough moral support. He was very busy with his work and many a times I felt that our communication was kind of difficult and he felt that he was not given the proper respect. As you know my daughter is kind of rebellious at her age. There was a time when she left her cell phone in the car, father picked it up and looked at her callers list. She was very furious knowing that and as a result she took revenge on her father! I am making the most difficult decision of my life now. I love my husband deeply, same to my family, and yet I'm trying to find a way out to rebuild what's lacking between us. My intention is to start my own career again to divert my attention and power away from his unfaithful act. If I have a divorce, I know for sure that I'm not in a win-win situation. Please help.

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A female reader, raiders United States +, writes (3 June 2010):

raiders agony auntShe sounds lovely, you guys should send your daughter to school over seas and than you three can live together.

Really is this what you want to hear, he is disrespecting you and your daughter. You should have kicked him out the minute you heard he was having an affair. Funny how you too mentioned her as his girlfriend when you were describing her, I think you are convince that you will have to share your husband, but at least call her for her other name MISTRESS, the other women, the home wrecker, but not his girlfriend.

I wish you would open your eyes and see he is not worth it, he has cheated on you and now wants you to accept it. If you are going to be ok with this I can't see why not be open with this and let everyone know, your friend, your and his family this way he doesn't have to hide and you don't have to lie about his whereabouts.

Please think about your daughter if you have lost respect for yourself than at least have respect for your daughter and don't tolerate this, stand your grounds and don't allow this to happen. Good Luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010):

Charcoal, thank you for the added information. You might be able to forgive him for the affair but do you want to live with someone who is going to continue to cheat on you?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010):

First of all, what was your daughter doing w/your husbands cell phone? Isn't invasion of privacy? The love life of her parents is really non of her bussiness. If she is judjing it is because she is probably very young.

Second, it's really up to u what u want to do with this situation. If it is hardbreaking to u then leave a situation, talk to your husband how to change leaving arrangments and so on... It will be very hard for you, but if you are being tortured by his intentions to keep a girlfriend, then act on it.

I am married for 25 years, and i know how it is between spouses after so many years of marriage. There is love, but not that much of a passion, that makes us feel so young and alive. I don't know what i would do, probably nothing, just see and wait where it is going. It might end very fast, it might grow into smthsing bigger.

It s very easy for people here to say:kick him out. It's not that simple. You lived a life together, you still love him, i am sure he loves you too. Think hard before you do something drastic as kicking him out.

If it was my daughter going through my husband cell phone, she would be in big trouble w/me. If it was me discovering my father affair, i would keep my mouth shot, or talk just to my father, and let him deside what to do.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010):

Well you got to hand it to this guy, he gets caught having an affair, what does he say? That he wants to have his cake and eat it to, and you are considering this request. What sort of respect do you think he is going to have for you.

I can tell you if I hadn't kicked him out for having an affair, I might not of some affairs can be worked through, I would of definitely kicked him out for making this request.

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A female reader, Charcoal Hong Kong +, writes (3 June 2010):

Charcoal is verified as being by the original poster of the question

My huband has an affair (cont'd)

Thanks for all of your responses. Let me go into more detail, we got married 23 years ago both were first lover and our marriage is quite ok. However, recently my husband has a lot of stress going on. He has 2 court cases which could take him to jail, his business is heading downwards, his father is suffering from cancer and he is practically broke. His gf is a divorced woman with 2 kids (she is about 42 years old) and my husband treated her as his soul mate because she is rich and according to him she is very much encouraging him. I know for sure that all these are not excuses for his unfaithful act. However, what I'm concerned most is the feeling of my daughter, the last person I want to hurt. My husband doesn't want his father, mother, brothers and sisters to know. Well, should I let them know? I once tested him and asked him if he would mind if I have a man and have great sex with him likewise. He selfishly implied that he would and if such should happen, he would divorce me. Please help my decision.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010):

Dear lady,

Yes, he will keep his family and it is number 1 priority. He will keep maintaining mistress also. It is possible going by the psychology of Men.

So it is fine. I won't recommend you to destroy all that you have just because he has one mistress. It is very much likely that after some time he will leave his mistress.

BY saying above i do not say that he has doe no mistake. He is obviously at wrong side ( with due respect to your DH ).

all i am saying that practically you will be better off choosing option to ignore his mistake.

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A female reader, Carrot2000 United States +, writes (3 June 2010):

Carrot2000 agony auntYour daughter seems to be the only person who has any sense in this situation. He feels guilty because he got caught, not because he cheated. Instead of asking for forgiveness, he is asking to keep his girlfriend. Sadly, you are actually considering his request.

If you love your husband he he wants to make his family a priority, you must DEMAND that he leave the other woman alone. He can't make his family his number-one priority if he's diverting time and attention to another woman.

It's great that you still love your husband, but loving someone doesn't mean allowing them to disrespect and make a fool of you.

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A female reader, raiders United States +, writes (3 June 2010):

raiders agony auntYou should kick him out thats what You should do.

Poster think of the example you will be setting for your daughter. You will be showing her that it is ok to be and stay with your cheating spouse.

You are going to let your husband walk all over you by allowing him to have a mistress just because you love him.

Respect yourself, respect your daughter don't allow this and give him an ultimatum. If he don't want to be faithful than kick him out.

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A female reader, Annonymous777 United States +, writes (3 June 2010):

He has to make a choice. If his family is in fact his number one priority, he will forget about her. Especially since its against his childs wishes. Tell him that you will leave if he continues to see her. If he does then he really his family really isn't his biggest priority. You can't be happy with this situation... You need to take your happiness into consideration as well. If you think you can repair the damage that was done then stay in the relationship but if your forever going to be unhappy in it, you need to end it. Do you know the reason for the affair? Maybe you guys can work something out so he doesn't feel the need to have something on the side...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010):

The easy answer is to leave him but you do have a family so I can see how that may not be easy to do. Are you able to accept his infideility and share him with this other woman? If you are, then work out an arrangement that woks for both of you. If you are not ok with doing this, you need to tell your husband, this ends now or you will leave him. Most women would choose the latter and try and find a man who is able to function in a monogamous, committed relationship.

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