A
female
age
41-50,
*adstupidcrazy
writes:Hi I am really hoping you ladies and gents can help me! 2 weeks ago my husband asked me to really consider letting him watch another guy have sex with me. This has thrown me hard, I don't understand it. He says he can't explain his reasons behind it he is just really turned on by the thought of watching me getting driven and pleasured by another guy. I know he is bicourious, and I told him if we did this the guy will have to be bi so that he can join in. He is very onboard with this, but now when we have sex he likes to imagine that is is someone elses cock driving me. Now I'm not saying that I don't get turned on by it cos I do, the thought of having him watch someone else ride and pleasure me. Because it does.But I just do not understand it. We have a really great relationship, we have an amazing sex life. And the man can be a little jealous.I have also suggested we maybe do some swinging, I have been with a female years ago and wouldn't mind doing it again. (But my ex hurt me more than I care to admit when he cheated on me with several other women 2 of which were spoz to be friends) and the thought of seeing my husband balls deep in another woman makes me sick to my stomach. So how, how can this man (any man) be ok with seeing their wife with another man balls deep?How are you ok with this? How do I be ok with this. He says, its just sex, at the end of the day I'm the one he is home with, in bed with every night, watching tv with every night, that it is just sex.I have only been with 3 men in my life and 2 of those 3 I was madly in love with. Since we got together I don't look at guys in that way, like I have thought gee he's pretty good looking, but never thought oh I'd love to fuck him. Is this just a way for him to get to screw another woman cos he's bored with me, and he knows it'll destroy me if he was to cheat. So he wants me to cheat on him?How can you want another man with your wife? I have been going in circles. We joined a dating app and have been talking to a few people, a couple, who I am getting to know, building a friendship with before we even think of anything else, I am talking with the wife of their party, and we don't even talk about sex or anything, we talk like friends, and I am loving talking to her, we have so much in common with each other. And I am comfortable doing it this way. Because if nothing comes of it, I have a new friend. And she feels the same.Then there is the Bisexual guy I've been talking to, he and I have so much in common. And I find I am really building an attraction to him. He is also in a relationship but his partner is not wanting to join in this dynamic, she is seeing her own "friend"I am finding I would like very much to meet with this guy and have a night out and see where things land with us, but if I do go through with it, I would want this guy to myself, and hubby is to just sit back and watch as he wished when he first told me. I want to make him watch this guy do things to me only hubby would ever and has been the only one to do to me, because this guy I have a major crush on, and sex is an emotional thing for me. And then when we meet again let hubby join in a little. But there is another guy we both have been talking to and I do not have the kind of feelings for this guy as I do for the other guy. I kinda want to meet up with this guy as the "tester" where hubby does exactly what he wanted, sit and watch me get driven, to see if he really is ok with this. Because a huge part of me can not understand at all how he can want this.But then I think if I do this and he gets jealous, what happens to this life we have made together? If I do this and I really enjoy it and want to do it again and he doesn't, but he started it, what happens to this life we built? If we do it and I hate it but he loved it and wants me to do it again what happens then? I am considering this very seriously because it is something he wants so very badly, but at what cost? For those of you that do this, has it helped or destroyed your relationships? I am a very shy and self conscious person, and that is also one of the reasons he says he wants me to sleep with other men, I have only been with 3 men, and he really wants me to experience sex more, he feels having other men desire me will help bring me out of my shell and be more free with my sexuality. Please any and all advice you have is much appreciated. I am spinning and I can't get grounded as to which way I want or need to land. I can't get my head around my husband wanting this. This is never been a consideration for me ever in my life. Essentially he's asking me to cheat on him in front of him. But he also wants another couple, so the 4 of us can swap, the men can watch while us ladies go at it. Then the men join in but with each others partners or with each other. How does 1 get their head around all this? I mean our sex life is amazing, does him wanting this mean something is lacking? How can any man want his wife to fuck another man with him just sitting there and watching?Do I just do it and see if its really what he wants? Or if it is just a fantasy that should stay that way???
View related questions:
cheated on me, crush, jealous, my ex, sex life, shy, swinging Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2021): Tell this weirdo / pervert that yes you will have sex with other men (it is sex, not making love) but you will work out your price list and they will pay you. You will also check them out, their health, looks, age etc before you agree. Obviously you would be a total idiot to actually do this, but once they believe you want money for it they will soon change their mind. Right now they are hoping you will become the unpaid free local bike.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2021): Hello, I totally understand your situation and feelings, my boyfriend wants the same from me even though I denied to him everytime, but he still brings up that topic and it hurts my heart and I feel shattered. I also don't know why he wants this, all he says is he wants to try something new and gets turned on by fantising about me getting fucked by someone else. Which I believe doesn't makes sense. For me also sex is sacred and I only feel sexually attracted if I am emotionally involved with that person. But he doesn't understand he says sex is sex, he thinks this is a small thing but for me it's a big thing, I don't understand how society is becoming now normalizing these things but in reality not everyone wants it, all I wanted was a happy and good relationship, but due to this thing jis fantasy, things are going downhill. I have so many questions and heartbroken emotions in my heart, and it even hurts so much to think if he wants this then he doesn't love me. It has created stress in our relationship, and even in sex between me and him I can't enjoy with him anymore because all the time it's in my mind that he isn't satisfied with me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2021): It's your naivity that stuns me. You really believe that he wants this?
I think he's just testing you to see how far you will go.
I also think that hyping up sex to the point that you become a sexual object is not a good thing.
You've already let yourself go quite far down the path of sexploitation.
He would video you if you agreed to have sex with another man and then he would sell the videos and put you online selling sex.
He'll carry on telling you that you're the sexiest thing ever while taking in the cash.
And eventually he would seek to find someone who wasn't putting it about whilst still telling you that you are the sexiest thing ever.
Sexy but with every reason to move on from!
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (10 April 2021):
 I think if you give him his freedom to do this, for him to bring all this into reality then its going to be the downfall of your marriage anyway.
He is not going to stop, he is going to keep pushing until he gets a result.
I think you should leave him, walk away and leave him to fulfill his fantasy's.
Its obvious he won't leave this fantasy within the confines of his own mind.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2021): The sequence of posts and reposts sometimes get mixed with our responses. I read your second post which may have been submitted before my response to your first one. WOW! I mean...WOW! I think mine was already posted before your second response. Again...WOW!
It further confirms my suspicions regarding your husband; but it gives me some comfort to know you're not going for it. At first, you have to admit, you were almost sold on it. It's human to be tempted. He was pressuring you, and you aim to please him. I didn't know you have kids, but I presumed you did.
In theory, the idea of group-sex or threesomes can be titillating. When you manipulate your fantasies into active reality; it's then an, only then, that you will see the consequences. You will witness the cascade-effect it will have on your marriage. It hits the marriage at it's very core! You'll lose trust, the sense of monogamy and loyalty dissipates, and there are no longer any boundaries. You'll start to wonder was your marriage and relationship ever real? Even worse, you'll loose your confidence in your ability to please and satisfy your own husband. It's disheartening to see your committed-partner so heated-up over the idea of being with other sex-partners. The purpose of getting married is to give all that up!
His reasoning is simple. He wants your permission to have sex with other people. Your depiction and description of the man you've married is almost the textbook definition of sexual-addiction. I think the guy needs help.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2021): How is a sex starved stranger who has no affection or feelings for you turned into "making love to you"? That's not making love, it is just sex, it is not even lust as he would put it in any reasonably attractive and willing woman who has a hole, you could be anyone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 April 2021):
 Yikes OP!
I'm so sorry. I just read your update. Seems like his "true" motive came out, didn't it? When he went on about how he wanted to screw your new online friend. Sure he also added that YOU would be screwing her husband at the same time but... this was all about what HE wants.
I think you need to tell him that you have really thought this over and you are DONE with the fantasy, if this is more important to him than your marriage and you, then that will be his choice you will NOT be joining in with any swinging or swapping.
I would also tell him that you feel it's already changed your marriage and that you want no further DETERIORATION of it.
BE firm here. And yes, if he keeps pushing then you know that SEX with someone else is more important to HIM than you are, and your marriage. You then have the option of walking away as much as that sucks.
Also, DO NOT feel like this is your fault. While you might have at first thought:" OH hot!" You have spent more time thinking WHY does he want this? And what can happen IF I agree to it?
Sounds like a little midlife crisis of him.
You CAN say no at any point to anything. And nothing you have DONE (or not done) has "made" him want to try this. This is ALL on him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2021): You've gone into some detail about who you wouldn't mind doing, and you've also said you feel turned-on by your husband's suggestion. You claim you don't understand why your husband wants you to do it; while you also describe your interest in doing it. Which is it?
We can sit here and preach about all the pitfalls and consequences to bringing third-parties+ into your marriage all-day long. The truth is, you're going to do it anyway.
Sex between a husband and wife is sacred. It's the joining of two souls, minds, and bodies for pleasure and/or procreation. It is an expression of love through emotional intimacy, pleasure through physical-contact, and it fulfills the human need to bond and couple monogamously. Done right, it is beautiful. Why do we have to cheapen it into porn?
Thanks to the all-popular and lucrative billion-dollar porn-industry; people aren't satisfied with what's wholesome or what's healthy. They want to try anything and everything they watch on porn videos...monkey-see/monkey-do!!! Tossing aside the safety of their health, their moral values, their vows, and recklessly tampering with what little amount of fragile trust they have formed between them. Putting their brains in sleep-mode, their bodies in overdrive; while directing all power and control to their genitals! Becoming instinctive and primal like lower animals.
Fantasy is something you concoct in your thoughts; while some mind-garbage just springs out of nowhere! Dreams are movie-like visuals in the mind from brain activity during REM sleep. You wakeup, or snap out of those states of semi-consciousness or contemplation; and comeback to reality. There is no harm done. It never really happened.
When you bring those wild-thoughts and dreams into the realm of reality; you have to realize that they can no longer just be forgotten. You can't wake-up, and they're gone. Whatever happens, you're going to have to live with; or deal with, over a period of time. You can blink, but it's still there! It can effect your marriage, finances, your standing in the community, and scandals do happen! You can't keep everything in secret. You can even make people sign non-disclosure agreements; and the first thing they'll do is blab everything you've said, they've seen, and whatever you did!
You'll wonder how your neighbors found-out, or who's spilling the beans? Not to mention, you could be exposed to blackmail and extortion! You'll find all your nasty little secrets broadcasted over the internet, spread spitefully by word of mouth, and in neighborhood gossip! You're dealing with human beings. With tempers, desires, and opinions. People you sleep with don't keep silent like blow-up dolls or dildos; and you can't just throw them away!
Living like the decadent rich in ancient Roman high-society, or worse...Sodom and Gomorrah; with orgies, indulging in fetishes, and alternating your sexual-orientation like changing the color of your socks! This behavior will all ultimately undo your marriage. Over-indulgence and promiscuous behavior is destroying the institutions of marriage and family-life. If we try to control our worse impulses, we'd maintain some semblance of order. Trust would be unbreakable, and love would flourish. You get all this stuff out of your system when you're away at college, and while you're single!!!
Subjecting your marriage to orgies, threesomes+, and swinging; always leads to an "unhappy-ending." Here's why. People get selfish and greedy. They don't always play fair; and we are too entitled and over-privileged. The more we get, the more we want. The novelty wears-off, and boredom again sets-in. What's next?
Why does he want to do it? He's bored with being monogamous and being married. He is sabotaging your marriage; because he misses sleeping around. He's becoming a slave to his wildest impulses. Anything goes, until all you have and worked for is lost...including your marriage! If it feels good, must we always do it? Regardless of the consequences and repercussions???
Go ahead! The forbidden fruit awaits you.
Eve couldn't resist that fruit; even after she was told she could have everything in the Garden of Eden... except from that one tree. She just had to eat it; then she had to go and drag Adam into it with her. Look at what happened from there!
All this for a few moments of walking on the wild-side, and exploring the dark-side of pleasure. Just remember. Once you've crossed that threshold; there is no turning back. Once Pandora's Box is opened, regret will remind you that things were fine as they are now. You'll wish you hadn't gone so far!
Ponder these scenarios. He might meet a "guy" he'll want all for himself. You'll tie your emotions to people you've unwittingly introduced into your intimate life. Either, or both of you, will start free-lancing. Venturing-out to meet people on your own. You'll start calling it an "open-marriage." Also known as the prelude to a divorce!
Your marriage will be overcome with darkness and promiscuity; and you both might get lost in sexual-addiction. It never ends well. I don't care how much fun it is, and how long you might getaway with it! The devil makes it look so sweet and delicious! Go ahead, Eve, take a bite!
Life does not have a pause, rewind, and reset button! You can't simply delete terrible mishaps from your memory. Some things we lose, we can't replace.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2021): We talk perverted stuff in a kidding way before/during sex.He'll say he knows I give delivery guys blowjob tips, and I'll falsely confess. Anyway we both know it's not true. Couple times he brought up watching me with a buddy. I picked out his heartthrob friend. Seriously I would detail car and his big dick. (the guys skinny dip at night) Anyway knowing I would made him STFU about that. It was only fantasy. Husband is into photography and video. We make our own porn which is exciting thinking someone might watch this someday. (we actually lost one, enjoy if you found it) And if they do I'm not doing anything wrong fucking my husband. He bought a Halloween mask and it looks like bank-robber's and wore it for for one of our porn vids. It was the most exciting thing for both of us. I was sure it was adultery till he took it off when done. He watches that vid all the time. Says that's other guy sex with me fix. Buy a bank-robber's mask and a tripod.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2021): "Be careful what you wish for" applies to this situation.
If he really wants it, why don't you ROLE PLAY the situation with your consent. Sorry for the capitals, but that's the only way it could be done.
It's just not a good idea, also risk of STDs etc.
I would never do this, as it is, but I wonder if he has this "cuckoo" interest in other areas of life, as cuckolding is basically related to the word cuckoo, it means "cuckoo ruler" from French and German.
He's a gowk (which incidentally enough means cuckoo, but is used as slang for fool, because the cuckoo was seen as foolish) and the idea is completely cuckoo.
DON'T GO THERE... it WILL ruin your marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, madstupidcrazy +, writes (8 April 2021):
madstupidcrazy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are both 100% correct! This is not at all sitting well with me. I do not want this. @Youcannotbeserious that is exactly right! And for me I see this as him finding a gateway to feeling he can be free to sleep with other women/men. And to answer you question, no this would never have been a thing for me if he wasn't pushing the issue. Last night I couldn't even talk to him. He knows something is wrong, and I have told him I am not overly comfortable with what he wants me to do. I told him last night I don't want to go through with this and he told me that it will be all ok, and I just need to let go and enjoy it. Well I am not enjoying it, I don't like feeling sick, I don't like the feeling he wants more than me. I am at the point of telling him to sort his shit out or I move out. Because I can't live like this.I feel even without anything happening it has already changed our relationship. There is strain and tension. The only time there isnt on his part is when I am considering it. I have been talking to a couple, the female of the couple, and we are both just happy to have a friendship where we can hang out and have bbqs and go on camping trips together, you know what friends do? Then he got on last night, even after I told him to leave this one alone because her and I are just looking to be friends, but he went on while I was at work and started going on about how he wants to drive her while her husband drives me and how he wants to lick the juices out of her etc. When I read this I shut down, I messaged her and told her how sorry I was for his actions and please don't let his stupidity ruin our friendship. She said she has no hard feelings, she gets that shit all the time. So we just went back to chatting about our lives, our kids, and jobs etc. I told him he is to never message her again and that he needs to keep his shit clean. I mean what the hell is wrong with men? Is this all they think about? I am so hurt and destroyed that I can hardly breathe. How can he want this? How can he want to risk loosing everything we have? We have a great relationship (well so I thought) We have amazing sex (well so I thought) I just can't get my head around this. Anyway thanks for your feed back you both hit it on the head. For me our wedding vowels are everything, forsaking ALL OTHERS!! That is where I am. Last night really hit home for me. And I know what I want and dont want and this is a don't want. And if he keeps pushing the issue what do I do? I am crazy about this man even 12 years into our marraige this man makes me feel like a teenanger in love. The last thing I really want to do is break up our marraige but if he keeps pushing the issue what choice do I have? Give him his freedom to do what he wants and I just move on with my broken heart and broken life....
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (8 April 2021):
Like Honeypie & youcannotbeserious pointed out, you really do only have to look back over previous posts of bringing a third party into the marriage/relationship and look at the outcome.
I can tell you that the outcome is never good, infact the outcome is always a disaster.
You have an amazing sex life with your husband, why do you need to bring a third party in to the mix.
This is your husbands fantasy, and i think it will be a huge mistake to help bring this to fruition.
The problem is bringing thirds party's into the mix is someone will invarible develop feelings, strong emotions, have better sex, etc than they have with their current partner.
By your own admission you say that you are developing a strong attraction to this bi guy and you have so much in common. Well there lays the dilemma, your developing an attraction for someone else already and you have not even gone through with it yet.
OP, if you value your marriage and don't want a whole load of complications, then my advice would be to refrain from bringing a third party in to your marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 April 2021):
If you look around here on DC you will find that NOT a single person who TRIED adding a 3rd person had a good outcome. NOT a single one that I can remember in the 15+ years I have been on here.
I don't even get the fantasy but that is beside the point.
You ask HOW can a guy be OK sharing his partner sexually? Well, he might say that "sex is just sex" but obviously it isn't for YOU so there is your first disconnect.
Then we have the potential for you having a female partner (something HE can not "compete" with physically as a man) and HIM having a male partner (something YOU can't "compete" with physically as a woman - so I have to ask if there is a desire for this from both sides WHY are you in a marriage? A marriage is a sacred, monogamous relationship recognized by the law and (for some) by God.
You say you have an amazing sex life so WHY (pardon the pun) DUCK it up by adding more people? What if you meet a guy who is MUCH better at sex than your partner? And you decide you want more of that but without your husband looking. What if you add a woman who is better at it than you? And YOUR husband decides to see that woman (or man) behind your back? Because THAT is what happens in most cases.
The fantasy you two have in your heads might be "oh so hot" but REALITY of swinging or adding a 3rd person RARELY end up living up to that "porn fantasy". Because YOU are no longer in control.
If you do this, I can almost guarantee that your marriage will never be the same. Trust will never be the same. Respect for yourself and your partner will never be the same.
Why not just sticking to some FUN role-play or to what you have?
More often than not the partner who suggests adding a person or couple IS the one who wants to try something themselves. So they suggest the partner GET to have a "novel" experience - and once you have had that... HE will want to have HIS "novel" experience.
I just don't understand why people think sex is so meaningless. Why marriage means so little.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (8 April 2021):
 You only need to have a read through past posts in the archives of this site about threesomes to see that they seldom, if ever, end well.
Like the majority of women, you do not separate sex and love into compartments. You are already developing feelings for a guy you haven't even met yet, so how will you feel about him if you meet him and have great sex with him?
The major difference between fantasy and reality is that you have total control over the scenario played out in your fantasy. Once you cross the line into reality, you lost any control over how people behave and how they feel. What if you or your husband falls for one of the people you invite into your relationship? Your husband may enjoy fantasizing about you having sex with another man but, once he sees you actually enjoying the sex and doing things to the other man, I wonder how secure he will feel in your relationship. It is not unusual in cases like this for the instigator to turn the tables and blame the reluctant partner for agreeing to fulfil their fantasy.
If your husband was not pressuring you into this, would you even consider it? In your shoes, I would put a very firm stop to it NOW, before it goes any further. You have a gut instinct for good reason; listen to it.
...............................
|
