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My husband wants a threesome but says will respect my decision. Is he going to be satifsfied with just me?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 November 2007) 27 Answers - (Newest, 8 March 2011)
A female United States age 51-59, *onfused in WVa writes:

My husband of 9 months has suggested the idea of wanting to watch me have sex with another man, or having a mfm threesome. My husband and his x-wife had this kind of sexual relationship and he said it brought them closer together sexually.

Fantasy's are ok with me, and I know my husband loves me. The question in my mind is WHY would he want me to be touched sexually by another? I want to please my husband, but am afraid that it would ruin our marriage, or emotionally destroy me.

My husband isn't pushing the idea, and says that if I decide to keep it a fantasy that he would respect my decission. Is he really going to be satisfied with just me?

Please help.

View related questions: sex with another, threesome

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A female reader, oxo2011 Greece +, writes (8 March 2011):

Men's "weird" sex desires is not something new. From ancient years until now we have seen many ways of having sex. I don't know why men never have enough or why they have all these desires (some of them really sick).

The thing is, it happened in my 20-year marriage too.

Gradually my husband developed a desire to get done by me with strapped dildo occasionally. He also likes to have sex with me in places where we might be seen. He watches some porn and we have done cyber sex once with another lady and once with another couple.

He proposed to me all the above and I willingly agreed to try them. The only thing we didn't enjoy so much was the cybersex and we didn't do it again.

But as I mentioned before, they never get enough...

He introduced me the idea of swinging mmf or ffm. It felt kind of wtf because I thought that when bringing other people into relationship means crossing a line where you can't come back from. Anyways I wasn't excited with the idea but I said let's try and meet some couples in the swing club.

We had some meetings and I interviewed them thouroghly. I found out in all occasions that the men had convinced their women to get into swinging and that many couples had issues after that. I told my husband about these things, but most importantly I said "I JUST DON'T LIKE IT", you can't explain why you don't like beans or why you like coka cola. That simple.

After that, we didn't do it and we placed the swinging thing in the fridge.

We have a great sex life according to him and me, BUT when I ask him why we should try swinging he says that our sexlife will be more exciting.

In my opinion this is bull**it. I have come to the conclusion that there are 3 reasons why he asked me all these.

1/. He is a man.

2/. He is bored after 20 years of marriage.

3/. He is a bit perv and has some bisexual-gay tendancies and wants to express them before he gets old and sex life is over.

I 've told him the 3 reasons, but he doesn't admit them completely. I wouldn't expect him to.

Anyway, I said to him I will do ONLY things I also enjoy. If you are not OK with that you can get out of the marriage, I won't blame you but I won't blame myself either, cause I have done NOTHING WRONG!

PS. One advice. If you ever decide to do threesomes, don't go through swingclubs because things get complicated there. People meet, get closer, they exchange phone numbers ,they have desires of their own and your partner could end up with one of them behind your back. (I got all of these from the interviews I mentioned).

Instead, pay a little more and call a sex professional. They are goodlooking, they are discreet, they have experience and know how and when to do something, they take good precutions and you won't have any after complications.(No jealousy, no games behind your back).

Hope I helped.

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A female reader, katoxox United States +, writes (2 October 2010):

i've been in your place and went with it putting myself aside and pleasing my husband that was 1o yrs ago i did not enjoy it and refuse to partake my marriage was hell after that to try and save the marriage after 8 year i brought the 3some thing up and participated and now i am so into one of the guys and after a year of should i shouldnt I long story short i no longer take my marriage seriously and i had an affair with one of our threesome partners and i thought i would feel guilty but i dont.

i just think this is a no win situation if you do you wont be happy and if you dont he wont be happy

hard decision both with possible bad endings

i wish you the best

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010):

From a guys perspective:

Early in my life I was very much the jealous type and watched myself ruin relationship after relationship. Not because the girls I was with did anything wrong, only that when men would flirt with MY girl, I expected them to react in a prudish way to repudiate the acknowledgement/affirmation/attention as a way to affirm who I was in their life.

When my wife and I started dating, she stated she wasn't ready for a monogamous relationship. I told her I could not be in a non-monogamous relationship. Months went by, we fell in love and nothing was said about it. I assumed my ultimatum held and that since she and I had continued dating that I had not shared her with another. She on the other hand felt that since she had clearly told me that she was not going to be monogamous that she had no further reason to discuss it with me. A few months later, we decide to move in together and she was on the phone and asked me to log onto her computer to get an address from her email. As I did, I noticed an email from one of the guys she had been "dating" at the beginning of our time together had sent an email the week before we had moved in together with the subject "last night was wonderful".... what I probably should have done and what I did will be forever debated in my mind.....I read it. I felt betrayed and immediately confronted her about it. To this day, she still feels like she did nothing wrong or violated my trust or sense of reality. Maybe she didn't.. I do not know. At the time, I felt that "I love her and can get past anything" and so was did not even consider walking away.. maybe I should have, maybe I still will. What I do know is that I have traveled down a strange journey and path to a place where I made peace from it by excepting that she was is a sexual creature and it was just sex. However, this has had an adverse side effect... the thought of her having sex with another man arouses me. I have NO attraction to the idea of being with two women or to having sex with a third man. Yet the idea of myself and another being pleased by her and her by us has turned into a constant thought. I have even brought it up to her only to be told that "now that we are married, there is no such thing as just 'sex for sex' sake". Maybe she is right.. who knows.. she is entitled to shape her own world how she sees fit and should not be pressured by me into anything. Although, the ironic thing is that I will probably leave her so that I can go explore this odd thing I am left with and subsequently she will eventually have sex with another.

Through it all though, I have found a few truths that make sense to me.

People are always going to flirt with your "other".

There is nothing wrong with that or with them enjoying it. Flirtation is a way of making oneself or another feel good about themselves.

Individual perspectives are going to vary as widely as there are individuals.

Despite religion, morals etc, people are going to justify whatever they want to do regardless.

If sex can just be for sex when you are single.. why can't it be that way when you are married?

Just my thoughts and rambles...I joined simply to respond to this 3 year old question as it has become such a part of my own life and nothing has even happened yet.

May you all find what gives you peace, comfort and pleasure.

Z

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A male reader, rooster69 Canada +, writes (18 June 2010):

You have to be able to separate love from sex. the other person is just an extension of of your sex toy collection.

Not saying that you cannot make the other person feel good.That is alone a big turn on

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010):

I think it is interesting that he wants a MFM threesome. I have done a lot of threesomes and never have I known a man who did not want to be with two women. To me this is the issue rather than the threesome per se.

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A male reader, Dr.Roshan India +, writes (10 June 2010):

Dear Friends,

Watching wife fucking another man is fantasy. If you couple desperately want to do this, then get closer to a well educated man. He will make your fantasy come true.

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A male reader, Red Green 0289 United States +, writes (19 July 2009):

keep this a fantasy. While is may work for a very very small # of people, group sex is not for most. dabbling in it has caused manay marraiges to breakup.

Few people can watch their partner screwing another w/o pain. I've been there, it was really hot, but she liked the ecitment so much she couldn't stop and it lead to her sneaking & sleeping around. In the end, the lies broke us up... and she lost alot- house, job, freinds... she walked away for a fantisy that didn't last a few months...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2009):

I believe the answer to this is definitely no!! I am currently in a relationship and my boyfriend is 10 years older then I am! So he's experienced a lot! I'm guessing every girl that he has been with he has had a threesome..and it hurts my heart knowing that he wants to bring this type of stuff in our relationship because it is wrong!!I'm afraid he's going to end up leaving me because of the one thing he wants I'm not able to do!r I'm afraid hes going to destroy me emotionally he's a great guy but he says he can try and go without for the sake of me..but I don't believe him...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008):

my bf also told me his fantasy about him wanting to see me having a threesome... mfm.. reading all your advise made me wanna cry... i must say my bf is honest to me but i stand on my foot and say no.. i don need to use another human to make me feel good. he doesnt force me although now i just bear and listen to his pathetic stories and dreams of me in his mind.. i must say i have 'hiv' in his mind! well... i feel you babe... be strong...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008):

I am chinese and had the same experience.however I agreed to this crazy idea to please hubby. he was really excited and I felt not bad at my first time. The guy was one of his best friends and they were nice and did much foreplay .Hubby promised that was the first and also the last time. but I can say now I have done over 30 times mmf since my hubby could not stop. He even can not be satisfied with me sexually only. I am now in great pain also. I regret much having joined mmf , my husband was my first man but why he non stop inviting friends to enjoy me?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008):

I am chinese and had the same experience.however I agreed to this crazy idea to please hubby. he was really excited and I felt not bad at my first time. The guy was one of his best friends and they were nice and did much foreplay .Hubby promised that was the first and also the last time. but I can say now I have done over 30 times mmf since my hubby could not stop. He even can not be satisfied with me sexually only. I am now in great pain also. I regret much having joined mmf , my husband was my first man but why he non stop inviting friends to enjoy me?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008):

Hi, I am facing the exact same dilemma. I did not agree to it, and he accepts it but he says he is not fully satisfied with our sex life. I worry that he will do it anyway, with me excluded

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008):

If there is a doubt in your mind that this could ruin you emotionally then it already has and sure it can. Don't question yourself on this and keep to your standards of not particpating in this idea of your husbands if it bought him and his X wife so much closer together why is she his X wife. Why because it played a part in ruining their marriage, yes I know you're saying I don't have the rest of the details of their marriage but sex is a spritual gift from God and it is major and our emotions. How we react to things, that insprires us. I say don't do it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007):

I think having a threesome is one of the most beautiful and fulfilling things I've ever done. You're doubling your pleasure. Two sets of hands. Two sets of manhood.

As long as you both agree then go for it!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007):

In the same boat, I just don't feel like it is our thing, I also feel that there shouldn't be any guilt for it or pressure. Husband or boyfriend, there shouldn't be any force to do that (MFM, FMF) or threaten of love, if there is..it ISN'T love.

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A female reader, lemontree United Kingdom +, writes (4 November 2007):

I know we're all different, but I don't understand where the love is in all this. For me, there are two distinct sign of love: (1) when nobody else will do (2)you can be in a crowd, yet not notice anyone other than your lover. If you love him, why would you want to make love to anyone else?. If he loves you, how could he tolerate seeing you with someone else. What you do sexually, as a consenting adult is entirely up to you, but think abput tghe love angle

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A female reader, YummyMummy United Kingdom +, writes (3 November 2007):

YummyMummy agony auntI'm glad you are sticking to your guns hun :)

xxxxxxxx

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A female reader, x-Mischief-x United Kingdom +, writes (1 November 2007):

x-Mischief-x agony auntwell my advice is dont do anything you dont want to do its your choice it could bring you together but he should love you and i think you should have sex with him rather then other men but if he still wants to try that idea of him and you dont want to just tell him xx good luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007):

Hi Hun,

you said your husbands ex did this and it brought them closer sexually, Why if you love someone would you need someone else to satisfy you by satisfying your wife who's already satisfyed and happy the way things are, And it cant have brought them that much closer as he is with you, And wanting a third person involved again. Im a selfish cow to, My mans mine and im his and thats the way I will always see this.

Id be thinking there was a serious problem with my new husband if he wanted this hunny, fantasys are just that and opening a can of worms will only be the outcome for you as you will not have the same respect for him after he has watched some other man touching his wife, How could you, well It would change my feelings for my man just as quick as snaping my fingers...

This does ruin relationships unless your an agreeing partner both up for it 100% Hope this helps a little TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxx

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A female reader, confused in WVa United States +, writes (1 November 2007):

confused in WVa is verified as being by the original poster of the question

confused in WVa agony auntUpdate!

Thanks to all who posted their answers to my question. I have decided to stick to my guns and not do something against my nature. Old fashioned? YEPPER! Proud of it too. Just needed other's oppinions to put my worries at rest.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!

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A female reader, YummyMummy United Kingdom +, writes (1 November 2007):

YummyMummy agony auntIt's not down to whether he will just be satisfied with just you hun. If it is then he shouldn't be with you.

If you really feel that you couldn't handle this then don't do it. Too many couples hop in to bed with a third party and think it's going to be ok when it really really isn't.

I won't have a threesome with my guy + another girl, not because I dont trust him, but what it would do to my head to see him with someone else. If that makes me selfish and a cow for wanting my guy to myself then fine I'm a cow and I'm selfish.

Talk to your partner about how you feel, really feel about this. I think your partner will respect your decision, especially if you explain that you only want to be touched by him. Talk to him about other things you could bring in to your sex lives, rather then another person.

Good Luck :)

xxxxxxxxx

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A male reader, Ponungalungb United States +, writes (1 November 2007):

Ponungalungb agony auntConfused in WVa (that's a given isn't it? - just kidding).

I totally agree with Waterloo Sunset. I don't get it. I think if I were a woman and my husband wanted a threesome with another man, I'd be headin' out the door - fast. Didn't you have an inkling as to his predilection before you were married? Was his first wife really O.K. with this, or is that why she is his ex-wife?

Stick to your guns and don't do anything you don't want to do.

Good luck.

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A male reader, dapone 1 United Kingdom +, writes (1 November 2007):

dapone 1 agony auntHello WVA.

I believe this is a dangerous road you are going down, a fantasy is one thing but the reality is another, i can see your concerns about this event, and you are justified to have your doubts, i personally cannot see why he is trying to ruin your marriage, by asking you to take the burden of this stress,I think that you should not engage in this event it will only come back to haunt you at a later stage, he told you that he and his ex did the same thing and it brought them closer together, if that were the case why did she divorce him.

Games are OK if both party are of the same mind and you are clearly not, i dont think you should do this, just to please your husband after all it is you who will have to live with the shame and guilt afterwards.

Hope this will help you,please make the right decision, the one that makes you the happiest, good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007):

It maybe brought them closer together sexually BUT it didnt save their marriage. I personally think that once in a marriage it should be about 2 people loving each other and sharing their life together. I also think that you should go by your instincts and that he married you so hopefully he should be satisfied with just having you for the rest of his life. If he isnt happy with your decision then you are better off without him. Im all for trying out new things but he should of went through all his fantasies etc before he committed himself to marriage x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007):

the only answer i can offer is if in doulbt say no, i do believe that these kind of fantasies can ruin relationships therefore if you go ahead proceed with caution!!

Good luck!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007):

I can never understand why some people want threesomes or anything like that. I feel you should put your foot down and say no without worrying about the outcome. If him and his ex did it then so what, that was then and this is now. You are not the same person as her. If he loves you then he will not force the issues, be content with the fantasy and not ask anymore about it happening in the future. Be strong and firm and dont do it just to please him, or divorce will be on the horizon.

take care

xx

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A male reader, SeanJohn United States +, writes (1 November 2007):

SeanJohn agony auntToo many things wrong here...

1st Newly married. Early days to test the relationship with something as emotionally trying as a threesome MFM.

2nd Alarm, his EX-WIFE....why? Threesomes cause misunderstandings if not handled well. Cause breakups.

3rd Most important. You are not 100% excited/wanting to do it. To do a threesome both partners must be excited and want the MFM.

Dont do it if you have doubts and the only reason for you want to do it is to please your husband. Do it for your own reasons or not at all.

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