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My husband sister had an affair-how do I get over it?

Tagged as: Cheating, Family, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 May 2010) 15 Answers - (Newest, 16 June 2010)
A female United States age , anonymous writes:

i think i need to start at the beginning, i was thirteen when my sister was born, she was like my baby. i loved her like she was mine. when she had marital problems i took care of her i made an apt. in our second home for her and her 2 children. my husband and i treated them like they were ours. my children are grown and out of the house. hers are still young. i'm married for 43 years and about a year ago i found out that my husband and my sister had an affair.

by the time i found out it was over for about 4 yrs.

the way i found out was from my then friend (not any more). my sister decided to talk to her about it.

this has ruined my friendship and my relatioship with my sister.

my husband and i have gotten through this and are getting counseling. we love each other very much and have been married for 43 years. he can't explain why it happened, maybe it was an ego thing, she was much younger, we were going through some stuff.

the thing is i have forgiven my husband, but i can't even look at my sister. i know they were both wrong, but i feel like, even if my husband was all over her she should have kicked him to the curb, but she didn't. how do i forgive her and be able to be in the same room with them.

i'm still letting her live in my home and i feel like she has taken total advantage of my love.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010):

You forgave him and not your own sister? Please remember it takes two people, God love him!! she should have kicked him to the kerb...did you not say he was older than her? Why do the woman have to get all the blame the poor defenceless man....forgive your sister if you have it in you to forgive your husband she is also your family why choose him over her..is her worth less both were wrong not just one. It angers me to see the men opting out and the blame being put on one person he went into this affair eyes open and was equally as much to blame. They were both wrong BOTH

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010):

".....my sister on the other hand is not and is talking about it now after it has been over for 6 years....."

".....my husband ended it 2 years ago....."

I just want to say that I am now confused with the contradictory statements above. you say that the affair was 6 years ago, but then state that your hb broke it off 2 years ago.

for how long was your hb sleeping with your sister??

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A female reader, raiders United States +, writes (24 May 2010):

raiders agony auntYour husband is the one married to you and owes you Fidelity in your marriage.

Your husband cheated on you.

Your husband had an affair

Your husband broke his marriage vows.

Not only did your husband screw up and cheated but he cheated with your sister.

If you were able to forgive your husband after all this I just can't see why you cannot forgive your sister.

They both lied and betrayed you.

They screwed around behind your back, so I say neither deserves forgiveness, and if your forgiving one than you might as well forgive them both since they both mess around and deceived you.

The person responsible for the gossip was your friend not your sister, your sister used your friend to vent her feeling and emotions and it was the friend who was telling everyone.

If your husband is truly remorseful I can't see why your sister would not be, I just feel you choice to forgive one cheater, while your still harshly punishing the other for the same crime.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

and also for all of you out there, you assumed i didn't know about it. my husband ended it 2 years ago and told me all about it. my sister knew i knew and we were working on fixing that too, but when she decided to let my friend know all about it, that is when this all happened.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

and also for all of you out there, you assumed i didn't know about it. my husband ended it 2 years ago and told me all about it. my sister knew i knew and we were working on fixing that too, but when she decided to let my friend know all about it, that is when this all happened.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010):

You can't get mad at us!! If you are I reckon it's cos you know we are right!! You cane looking for a specific answer but you didn't get it, anyway if you don't tell us all the details don't expect us to know them!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

you know, i came here for help trying to forgive my sister and all i got was, your husband is the bad guy, i know he was wrong and so does he, but he is remorseful and very sorry and proving it every day of his life. my sister on the other hand is not and is talking about it now after it has been over for 6 years.

thanks for no help at all.

all i got here is more grief.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010):

Woah sounds like you've been minipulated by your husband.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (24 May 2010):

YouWish agony auntYou can't forgive your sister because she BLABBED it to a friend??? That's it??? She did you a favor by doing that, not because she betrayed you, but because she exposed your husband for the dog he is.

How would you have prefered that your husband got away with everything behind your back? I still blame your husband more than the sister, though like it was said it takes two to tango. Your sister was vulnerable and your husband took advantage. I guarantee that if the opportunity ever presents itself, he'll do it again.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010):

your logic astounds me.

yo want to save face ,FOR WHAT. everyone knows your hb cheated on you with your sister. did your hb think his secret was just that: a secret.

i think you need to look nearer to home to blame someone/anyone: start with your hb. you would not have lost face if he wasn't having sex with your sister. he started this nightmare

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010):

so you "forgave" your hb, the man who has also betrayed you. yet your sister and perhaps your friend who outed him , have had the brunt of you. your sister is still living with you. how SURE are you that your hb is still not sleeping with her. how sure are you that you hb is not having an affair with someone else.

yes they both betrayed you and they are 'dogs' for what they have done BUT you seem to have taken your hb 'side' and forgiven him. how long was he sleeping with the sister? was it in yor bed? these are hard hard questions to ask but it needs to be asked. remember your anger should be against BOTH of them, not only the wayward sister. i think it is mightly big of you to let that woman to still live in your home. you have 2 betrayers in your life and you choice to forgive the main one : your hb. just think about this: it was your hb who betrayed you, your home, your marriage. your sister did too so why only forgive him. i know you are scared and you do not want to see the exact betrayal of him with her but i think you need to be realistic. do you trust your hb now? do not make the mistake so many wives do by only blaming the OW and not the cheating hb. you have mixed emotiona and yes you are hurting BUT you need to be more observant and have you thought about your hb may perhaos be carrying on with other women. as for your sister, you need to kick her out asap.TELL her its time to fend for herself and her kids and that you will not be providing the safe sex haven for her and your hb anymore. the sister needs to get out asap and you need to bring the hb back in check. it means monitoring his calls, his activities and his whereabouts. unfortunately this is the only way.

one awful thought just occured to me: are you sure your hb did not expect sexual gratification as a thank you for taking her and her kids in. i think you need to re look at things and re look at your hbs involvement in this affair. he is not as innocent as you think. i also think it is bulldust that "he cannot explain why it happened" .

why are you no longer friends with this other person? do you blame her because she withheld details of your hb and sister's affair. i think a lot of your anger and hurt are misdirected. i am not saying your sister should not face the consequences but your hb is a rat. he covered his tracks and he is blinding you. your hb is equally guilty.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

i think i can't forgive my sister because she told my friend who blab it all over my husbands family and that is what bothers me the most. why didn't she talk to her friend and not mine. it has cause alot of lies to be told by me because i didn't know that my dearest friend knew everything. i know she couldn't have been a good friend to do what she did, but if my sister would have kept this to herself none of this would be.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010):

Your sister was in the more vulnerable position! you could say that your husband took advantage of the situation. I have a sister and I do not think I could forgive either of them. Sleeping with family is the lowest of the low. If I had to foergive one, maybe I would forgive the sister. You have a past with her but I understand why you dont want to speak with her again but never say never.

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A female reader, LLindy87 United States +, writes (24 May 2010):

LLindy87 agony auntok....so you are pissed at your sister but gotten over the fact that your husband did the deed too?

Stop playing favorites with them.

It takes two to have sex. Two people. you said 'even if he was all over her she should have kicked him to the curb' well same with "even if SHE was all over HIM he should have kicked HER to the curb" ...it goes both ways.

I think you need to figure out why you can't forgive your sister but you can forgive your husband. You can't put all the blame on her, because he is guilty too.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (23 May 2010):

YouWish agony auntIt's interesting that you are more angry at your sister than your husband. Your sister was the one in the vulnerable position, with the small kids and no husband. Your husband took advantage of her, yet you can forgive him.

I would be mad at both of them to be honest, but your husband knew what he was doing.

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