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My husband seems to care more about his ex-wife than he does about me...

Tagged as: The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 May 2005) 11 Answers - (Newest, 5 May 2009)
A , *urtingandmarried writes:

I am married to someone who was divorced 2 years before we married. It seems though he won't let go of his ex wife.

Every time she asks for something he jumps to do it. I know they were married for 11 years and knew each other for 16, but I feel like the completely goes agaist everything I ask of him.

Her husband just recently left her and they started going out to lunch together behind my back. This upset me terribly. He says I am overreacting... I dont feel that I am as the comment was made that she could have him back whenever and he wanted a divorce at Christmas time.

Am I being stupid for staying here? Should I just leave and let them get back together OR am I overreacting? Please help!

View related questions: christmas, divorce, ex-wife, get back together, his ex

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A female reader, Kit Carson United States +, writes (5 May 2009):

Everything you do in the beginning of a relationship sets the boundaries, which can be moved, of course, but setting them up for you both to win from the beginning is going to give you the best results. Decide WITH your husband what kind of relationship you want, including the level of intimacy, honesty, etc.. Measure everything by the outcomes you both have agreed upon. If he is unwilling to give up his past relationship if it is destroying your present marriage, then you can do one of three things: Complain bitterly to anyone who is not too tired of hearing you talk about about how difficult this situation is for you until you die or divorce; clearly define what you want in a relationship and get rid of anyone who does not match the most important points (uh... like guess who); accept that things are just the way they are and accept how things are- create a marriage on other criteria (kids? money? status? family opinion? etc.) Choosing is always more powerful than reacting.

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A female reader, Outsider United States +, writes (8 August 2008):

You are not being stupid, only realistic. As the old saying goes, if you love something, set them free, if it comes back to you, it's yours to keep, if it doesn't it was never meant to be. Whatever the choice you choose, know that you are a person who deserves love and respect. If your husband doesn't even have the respect to be honest with you about his "lunch" dates, there's no respect for you. You may love him all you want, but if he is not committed to you, you are facing many years of wondering "what if".

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008):

I dont think you are being stupid. My partner left his wife at new year and prioritsies her whenever he can. He spends more time with her now than before he left. Hes says they are friends, the valentine card she sent him said otherwise. I constantly feel like I am being unreasonable but just want him to put as much effort into his new relationship as he does his old.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007):

Don't put up with the jerk or his ex. She'll probably dump him again after she gets him back. Some men want to hang on to their exes and have a wife too. It does not work, I know because I have the same situation and I gave him an ultimatum. Get rid of her and the ties to her family too. If they don't turn loose of the whole mess you'll never have peac e.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2007):

Well coming from the one on HIS side of things you are in trouble here. He is under her spell still and it doesnt sound like he is being honest with you. I am in the same situation only I am HIM, sort of. I know how I feel and I know what I would do if she asked me to come back, and that wouldnt bode well for you at all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2007):

Let him go. His commitment should be to you, and he should care about how his actions affect you. He clearly isn't concerned with the pain he's causing you by seeing her or he wouldn't do it. Also, by seeing her for lunch 'behind your back' it shows he is doing something sneaky, knowing it would upset you.

I'm in the same situation. I've been married only one month, and my husband and his ex wife are still deeply in love with each other. It hurts to let go, but it has to be done because the pain you and I are feeling right now isn't something we should have to feel.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2005):

theyve known each other that long 27 years??

Maybe he wants to still be freinds with her, but doesnt want to know hi seeing her incase you'll get upset

(yes i know he should be honest but when have guys ever done anything right)

Trust him, there'll always be a bond of some kind after that long a time period, but that bond may only be freindship, the need for wanting to help her probably arises from the amount of years theyve known each other.

If he says theres nothing going on past the point of freindship, trust him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2005):

If you are not in the habit of lying to yourself,then TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!! Sometimes the only truth that can be found in most relationships is what a person's gut feeling has to say. Be true to yourself. Most people do a better job of looking after their own feelings than their partners do, or anypone else for that matter. one of the pieces of eauipment used to care for oneself, and probably the most important, is INSTINCT. If you can't get the truth from him, because you never really know when a good liar is lying, than rely on your logic.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2005):

i think that you should look at the situation once more, if he's telling you that it's nothing have trust in your man but if you feel that he's lying then let him go ......

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A reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (31 May 2005):

Rebecca Batchelor agony auntI don't believe you are over reacting. For starters, he went behind your back and saw his ex wife, so this destroys trust. Secondly, he jumps whenever she asks, and this further questions his loyalty to you. She reckons she could have him back and he also wanted a divorce. You certainly aren't overreacting. How would he feel if the situation was reversed?

I don't belive in ultimatums but I think it is necessary here. I would suggest you say to him that either he stops having anything to do with his ex wife or you will leave him.

I don't know whether there are children involved or whether she has a hold over him but it seems quite mutual on their side. Tell him you've had enough and you deserve to be treated better.

I really hope this helps.

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A reader, Cutie_Mish +, writes (31 May 2005):

I don't think you're overreacting at all. By the looks of it, he really is being a bit heartless, seeing her behind your back.

I'd say sit and have a really good chat with him, but don't make it seem like you don't trust him or won't let him have ne friends which are girls! Make him realise that you feel a bit unloved and I'm sure he'll soon realise that he really has been paying more attention to her then you. But if he is being unfaithful, don't give up, by giving up and letting them get together. It is like you're letting him win, if you really love your husband don't give up!

Maybe you could go out with him when he is meeting up with her, or "accidentally" bump into them when their together and talk to her and be really nice and charming, to let her realise that you're a nice woman and that you don't deserve to be hurt! I'm sure he is just confused, they must of divorced for a reason. Make him see that you love him and want him forever!

good luck xXx

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