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My husband says I'm jealous because I don't want to swing, what can I do?

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 September 2009) 8 Answers - (Newest, 20 April 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, *unset writes:

how can i save my marriage? been together 7 years married 2,recently seperated because he has an obsession with swinging,i tried a few clubs with him but couldnt face anything sexual ,i love my husband with all my heart and all this is totally destroying me ,i want my husband to want me only, i dont want to swing so he tried to bully me,,,even though we seperated he still takes me on holiday and meals and spends time with me,even though he says he doesnt love me ,i just cant understand whats happening, i think he does love me but just saying it because he knows how much it hurts me,i desperatly want my marriage to work but could not handle swinging he says im jealouse but its more a case of all the hurtful comments and putdowns making me insecure im just not good enough for him.to make things worse we work together,and he constantly in moods with me because he wanted our marriage to work he says he feels let down because i wont swing,,im constantly on eggshells can anyone please give me some advise?he says if i wont swing he will divorse me ,and no future.

View related questions: insecure, jealous, on holiday, swinging

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A female reader, hurt37 United States +, writes (20 April 2011):

I have an incredibly similiar situation. My husband goes on about swinging all the time. He at on point had swinger profiles and had my pictures posted everywhere. He spent his days chatting with others about sex. He bullied me into going to swing clubs. He told me that i was boring in bed and that he was tired of having sex with just me. He also said i was the most insecure person he had ever met.He would look at other womens pics on the swinger sites and tell me they were a 10 and i was just a 2. He told me at one point that i was fat and he wasnt sexually attracted to me at that size so i lost weight and then he said i was too thin. I wanted to make him happy so i gave in and did the swinging thing. I felt and still feel so dirty.I find it hard to believe that any man who loves his wife would want to see other people crawling all over her. He said i was jealous and just wouldnt let him swing with other women. I wasnt jealous i just loved him. he says he loves me but i dont believe him nor do i trust him anymore. He makes me feel like im not enough for him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009):

This guy is abusive, and you need to realize he's beaten you mentally. He wants you to engauge is these sex acts, w/o reguard to what it will do to you. How nice...

i can't tell if you work for him, or what- but you'll survive the divorce, but you may not survive the marriage. Get out and rebuild your life. Use his money as the brick and mortar to get this done.

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A female reader, sunset United Kingdom +, writes (15 September 2009):

sunset is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thankyou for all your answers ,,but to sever all ties is very difficuilt as i need my job ,,,how do i end things without losing my job? and staying friends when he is so angry with me,,,im now suffering from stress as he keeps suggesting i look elsewhere for employment,,yet he comes round to my house and stays over when he feels like being friendly ,,he is calling all the shots and i have to pretend everything is ok and not do or say anything to provoke him everything is so hard. any suggestions please?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009):

He sounds like a complete a**hole. You don't need a bully in your life.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009):

Wow, your husband is one horrible bully. Use this opportunity to realize that your great love for a man is misplaced in him. A husband who loves you, and cherishes you, and wants you to grow in life with him does not manipulate you and try to control you so that his whims can come to fruition.

Has your husband had any affairs? Considering the lengths his going to in order to force you to engage in sex with multiple partners in mat be a very real possibility. Does he now have any STD's?

You should not love this man and his warped priorities. If he doesn't come around fully to your healthy way (for you) of seeing your relationship consider your partnership BUSTED.

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A female reader, Sweet-thing United Kingdom +, writes (7 September 2009):

Sweet-thing agony auntIt takes two to make a marriage work out and your husband is not working on his half of this relationship. He's obsessed with swinging because he secretly wants to have an affair but if he can talk you into swinging it'll seem less like a consentual thing you are both agreeing to,and less like he's just fooling around with another woman. If it doesn't feel right DON'T DO IT! You will only regret it!! Your husband has grown bored with your relationship. He may not love you anymore. It's going to take marital counseling, which I doubt he'll be interested in going to. You are seperated for a reason. I'm sorry, but I think what your husband is doing is wrong.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States +, writes (7 September 2009):

Code Warrior agony auntThe other posters have hit the nail right on the head!

It is clear that your marriage is over. Your marriage vows do not condone 3-Ways and other forms of swinger sex. This site is full of women who have posted questions about these behaviors and the regret it has brought them to have willingly participated. Now their lives are being ruined.

However, it is not enough to tell you that. You need to understand how to get over this man so you can move on with your life. There is an article written by a 15 yr old girl that is excellent. In it, she describes the steps that she took to get over a crush she had. Don't let her age fool you, the article is extremely well written and can be applied to break-ups in general - even for adults. Here is the link:

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-your-crush-on-an.html

Also, I suspect you lack confidence in your ability to find another man, so you are desperately clinging to this one. He knows this. That is why he is bullying you - He thinks you have no other options and wants you to keep believing it so that you will comply with his wishes.

You need to get your confidence back. I wrote an article about that. Here is the link:

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-is-confidence-and-how-do-i-get.html

You are a good woman and WILL find a man to love you the way you deserve to be loved. Do not let your husband fool you into thinking you are weak and useless. You have been strong enough to resist him this long haven't you? Then acknowledge your inner strength and leave him in the dust where he belongs.

I realize that none of this will be easy. In fact, it will be very arduous. You are stong enough to do this. You just have to believe it.

God Bless you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009):

your describing a marriage that is pretty much over. you both are not meeting the other half way. you are miserable and when love demands more of you than it gives and it causes you mental/ physical/ psychological/ sexual harm, it is no longer love. it becomes a co dependent abusive relationship. your vows are not being honored by this man. leave him and save what little of your hope you have left and build it. you are worth more than that.

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