A
female
age
30-35,
*unset
writes:how can i save my marriage? been together 7 years married 2,recently seperated because he has an obsession with swinging,i tried a few clubs with him but couldnt face anything sexual ,i love my husband with all my heart and all this is totally destroying me ,i want my husband to want me only, i dont want to swing so he tried to bully me,,,even though we seperated he still takes me on holiday and meals and spends time with me,even though he says he doesnt love me ,i just cant understand whats happening, i think he does love me but just saying it because he knows how much it hurts me,i desperatly want my marriage to work but could not handle swinging he says im jealouse but its more a case of all the hurtful comments and putdowns making me insecure im just not good enough for him.to make things worse we work together,and he constantly in moods with me because he wanted our marriage to work he says he feels let down because i wont swing,,im constantly on eggshells can anyone please give me some advise?he says if i wont swing he will divorse me ,and no future.
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insecure, jealous, on holiday, swinging Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): This guy is abusive, and you need to realize he's beaten you mentally. He wants you to engauge is these sex acts, w/o reguard to what it will do to you. How nice...i can't tell if you work for him, or what- but you'll survive the divorce, but you may not survive the marriage. Get out and rebuild your life. Use his money as the brick and mortar to get this done.
A
female
reader, celiaaletta  +, writes (17 September 2009):
 You're clearly being abused. Get out. What do you mean about your job? Why will you lose it?
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A
female
reader, sunset +, writes (15 September 2009):
sunset is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for all your answers ,,but to sever all ties is very difficuilt as i need my job ,,,how do i end things without losing my job? and staying friends when he is so angry with me,,,im now suffering from stress as he keeps suggesting i look elsewhere for employment,,yet he comes round to my house and stays over when he feels like being friendly ,,he is calling all the shots and i have to pretend everything is ok and not do or say anything to provoke him everything is so hard. any suggestions please?
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A
female
reader, sexlessintheuk +, writes (7 September 2009):
 I think he'll find in the marriage vows there was a bit about forsaking all others, one man and one woman. This is what you both signed up for.
He's struggling with his natural desire to bed other women, but trying to drag you into swinging against your will is not on. He's trying to find an acceptable way of being unfaithful, ie having his cake and eating it.
If you stay with this man he'll be at it behind your back with some one or more than one whether you like it or not.
Give him the heave-ho I say.
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A
female
reader, Jordi +, writes (7 September 2009):
 This man is undoubtedly a manipulative bully and husband or not, you shouldn't have to put up with it. You've already reluctantly went to swinging clubs with him in an atempt to make him happier. That in itself is an unreasonable request. But pushing you into swinging, that is beyond unreasonable and I doubt your husband realises just the serious of what he is expecting you to participate in.Swinging is dangerous and a very risky thing to become involved in. Even couples who are prefectly happy together and trust each other 100% can sometimes find that within time they can no longer handle sharing their partner and in many cases this has resulted in the breakdown of a marriage. Does your husband then realise that for both of you, these problems would only escalate?Every marriage needs compromise at some stage or another. Sometimes it requires us to sacrifice little things and other times it is big things we must do in order to satisfy one another. But this is in a completely different league and no one would blame you for giving up on your husband at this stage.Deep down, I think your husband does still love you but he no longer respects you or your feelings, he's certainly made that clear. He's threatening you with divorce because he thinks that you'lll succomb to his swinging fantasies eventually and believes that's the only way he'll get you to agree to it. My advice is to play him at his own game by walking away and cutting all contact with him. You deserve so much better than this and shouldn't feel obligated to stay trapped in an unhappy marriage any longer.Best wishes!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): He sounds like a complete a**hole. You don't need a bully in your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): Wow, your husband is one horrible bully. Use this opportunity to realize that your great love for a man is misplaced in him. A husband who loves you, and cherishes you, and wants you to grow in life with him does not manipulate you and try to control you so that his whims can come to fruition.Has your husband had any affairs? Considering the lengths his going to in order to force you to engage in sex with multiple partners in mat be a very real possibility. Does he now have any STD's? You should not love this man and his warped priorities. If he doesn't come around fully to your healthy way (for you) of seeing your relationship consider your partnership BUSTED.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (7 September 2009):
 It takes two to make a marriage work out and your husband is not working on his half of this relationship. He's obsessed with swinging because he secretly wants to have an affair but if he can talk you into swinging it'll seem less like a consentual thing you are both agreeing to,and less like he's just fooling around with another woman. If it doesn't feel right DON'T DO IT! You will only regret it!! Your husband has grown bored with your relationship. He may not love you anymore. It's going to take marital counseling, which I doubt he'll be interested in going to. You are seperated for a reason. I'm sorry, but I think what your husband is doing is wrong.
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A
male
reader, Code Warrior + ♥, writes (7 September 2009):
 The other posters have hit the nail right on the head!It is clear that your marriage is over. Your marriage vows do not condone 3-Ways and other forms of swinger sex. This site is full of women who have posted questions about these behaviors and the regret it has brought them to have willingly participated. Now their lives are being ruined.However, it is not enough to tell you that. You need to understand how to get over this man so you can move on with your life. There is an article written by a 15 yr old girl that is excellent. In it, she describes the steps that she took to get over a crush she had. Don't let her age fool you, the article is extremely well written and can be applied to break-ups in general - even for adults. Here is the link:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-your-crush-on-an.htmlAlso, I suspect you lack confidence in your ability to find another man, so you are desperately clinging to this one. He knows this. That is why he is bullying you - He thinks you have no other options and wants you to keep believing it so that you will comply with his wishes.You need to get your confidence back. I wrote an article about that. Here is the link:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-is-confidence-and-how-do-i-get.htmlYou are a good woman and WILL find a man to love you the way you deserve to be loved. Do not let your husband fool you into thinking you are weak and useless. You have been strong enough to resist him this long haven't you? Then acknowledge your inner strength and leave him in the dust where he belongs.I realize that none of this will be easy. In fact, it will be very arduous. You are stong enough to do this. You just have to believe it.God Bless you.
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A
female
reader, celiaaletta +, writes (7 September 2009):
As you already know, you don't need to swing. Don't be bullied into something you want no part of.
If he that is what he wants all the while belittling you, I suggest that you divorce him.
Find yourself a man who is an adult. A man who will respect you. A man who will treat you correctly. A man who will find no issue in maintaining a monogamous relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): your describing a marriage that is pretty much over. you both are not meeting the other half way. you are miserable and when love demands more of you than it gives and it causes you mental/ physical/ psychological/ sexual harm, it is no longer love. it becomes a co dependent abusive relationship. your vows are not being honored by this man. leave him and save what little of your hope you have left and build it. you are worth more than that.
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