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My husband receives slutty requests from every single one of his exes who know he is married!

Tagged as: Family, Online dating, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 March 2011) 8 Answers - (Newest, 21 March 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, *irl000 writes:

my husband has had slutty requests from every single one of his exes since he put married on his status, even one from one wh is now a porn star asking him to join her site and keep up with her sexual adventures, and one half naked, who when she was denied, no message, sent him a message about how he hates her and she was crying etc, which seemed pathetic (he was her first and shes married with a baby! what gives there?) although most he has just denied, i know he was dissappointed at denying them. one in particular has spent three years chasing him, she was a childhood friend but they crossed that line and dated. even though its been clear to even him that she has been playing mindgames since he finally accepted her friend request (basically to see what was so important to chase him for three years, but also i know because she has a special place in his memory) he still defends her to the hilt saying stuff like "you dont even know her" when clearly i must do because i have predicted every bit of behaviour she has done since he request was accepted, he knows this bt carries on defending her.

i want to get to the bottom of this, i want it cleared up so we canmove on with our life, we have children to bring up and i dont want tension and resentment to be in their atmosphere as they are growing up. if i understand i can do something, but if he keeps this up with no explanation (he denies ever defending her which is an out right lie!) i dont know what the future is going to hold. i do not want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me and if there are three things i hate more than anything else its liars bllies and disrespect and right now i feel lied to and disrespected.

what the hell is going on?

this is the only person that asked him to stay when he was leaving his home town, said she didnt want him to go and got him to dump his girlfriend so she could go out with him, then dumped him shortly after, he tells it differently but ive been with him long enough to see hurt in his eyes when its for real, help?

i jst want to know whats going on so i can get our relationship back to honesty love and respect.

View related questions: his ex, liar, porn

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A female reader, girl000 United Kingdom +, writes (21 March 2011):

girl000 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thankyou for your time, your help and your wisdom, you rarely make sense of anything when you are in the middle of a situation, we have heard nothing from her since total block out. i'm aware that her family may try cause something, but the good thing about blocking is it is unlimited!

I dont feel like i am going crazy after all, thankyou for that most of all x

Onwards and upwards to hopefully a life free from this worry

Phew! and breathe!

have a great day x

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom +, writes (21 March 2011):

AuntyEm agony auntDarling you are not mental at all, you are just caught up in your husbands fantasy with this woman.

It occured to me that maybe he sees her through rose coloured glasses, maybe he imagines that life would be better with her but he risks losing you if he makes a move. Having contact with her keeps his fantasy fed, keeps his dream alive without risking his home comforts and stability. The sad part is that he is expecting you to toe the line and if you don't then he can twist it so it's your fault. It absolutely isn't your fault.

He is a grown man who is in full grasp of the facts that having 3 people in a relationship is wrong. It's his choice, his actions and his words that have brought you to where you are. Hopefully he has decided to cut the cord to her so that he can heal the damage he has done to your relationship...and it is him who has made the damage whatever smoke screen he wishes to throw up.

You are right that only time will tell. Keep your negative thoughts and decisions locked away for now and give him a good chance to make amends. If you don't then he will just use it as an excuse to start again with her.It's time for him to re commit to you and make you know beyond all doubt that he loves you. His actions will indicate what he is feeling.

I hope you finally get some peace.

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A female reader, girl000 United Kingdom +, writes (20 March 2011):

girl000 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

At least i know im not crazy now, thankyou. i have had it out with him and he says he wants the this problem solved he has blocked and denied her, im hoping it wasnt just to shut me up but time really will tell, the thing about it is i will ask him to do something really important and he will just forget, i feel like it doesnt matter that ive asked him, he'll forget and i'll say its okay, but if things got heated and id say something quite nice but never the less not very nice about her he would be straight by her side to her defence, kind of always made me feel second best. for now im going to try and see what life without her brings, if he changes, becomes sullen and seems to hold resentment then i believe i would have to make a decision, for it would be quite clear to me that it could well be missing her that caused it,that its my fault she cant be in his life if you like, either way it would need addressing. i did originally think i could cope with them being friends, but from the present forward, not reminiscing about old times, then she started sending him kisses and it upset me, shes an ex, he wouldnt stand for it from me and i wouldnt in a million years expect him to, but he was like, whats your problem? theres nothing wrong with that. i think there is. hope fully she has gone now but time will tell all.

is there anything else you think i should be aware of (originally we had a no ex on friend lists rule, but i knew this "friendship" meant a lot i could tell, i did not want to be horrible, but we are back to that rule now, and for that i am very glad.

thankyou all for your help, i really felt i was going crazy and being told i was just mental all the time wasnt helping

x

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom +, writes (20 March 2011):

AuntyEm agony auntIts obvious by his actions that she is very special to him. I wonder how his relationship with you is? Is he loving and attentive, does he cnsider you his soul mate and confidant?

You seem to be being a very good sport about this and it could be that he still retains feelings for her and just cannot bear to let her go completely.

The situation really depends on the degrees you are prepared to accept of his behaviour....people put up with much worse, but if you feel you arnt his number one and that his heart isnt yours completely then you probably need have it out with him.

Do not villify your sad feelings over this, you have every right to be upset and concerned.

Ask him why this woman is so special, but be prepared for lies.

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A female reader, girl000 United Kingdom +, writes (19 March 2011):

girl000 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I agree completely, this is his childhood friend turned girlfriendback to "just a good friend" I know I have issues myself, I dont deny that, but these issues have always been the same, I cant live with him having contact with her as ive seen the depth of his defences for her, my problem is that if we get rid of all contact, the wanting and reasons for wanting contact would still be there, im an empath and the two hurt much the same, can I get him to tell me what it really is about her that makes her so special, or am I flogging a dead horse? I dont want to be living in someones shadow, is there anything I can say in any way whatsoever that will get this out in the open once and for all?

I have tried to talk to him but his defences go immediately up around her or he just get very general like "just friendship" which my soul doubts because of the intensity and heat of his heart and eyes when anything negative is said about her (i'm only human, i get upset)

Is there any light at the end of this tunnel?

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom +, writes (19 March 2011):

AuntyEm agony auntI know you want him to stop the ex- contacts...but does he want to stop? If he does want to stop then he will delete his public profile and keep in touch with close friends and family like most people do, by phone or e-mail.

He is using typical denial tactics to keep you at armslength as to what is going on, personally I don't think the guy is showing you one bit of respect. Why does he need to be in contact with his ex's? Believe me you have no chance of getting to the bottom of things because he won't let you, he will just think of some other excuse to continue.

There is one surefire way to save your marriage...get a big pair of scissors and cut the plug off the computer, then get all his numbers changed. If he loves you and is committed to the marriage, this wont be a problem for him at all.

Social networking sites bring nothing but mistrust underhandedness and misery.

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A female reader, girl000 United Kingdom +, writes (19 March 2011):

girl000 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thankyou, his profile is set to private, and im not so bothered about the rest, i was just illuminating how big this was in or life, its what he feels for this certain woman that bothers me, and why he should choose to defend her time after time. I do want to concentrate on more important things, but i dont want to be here if i'm not truly wanted.

but a nickname is a very good idea, i myself use my pen name.

i will suggest that to him.

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A female reader, omihli Greece +, writes (19 March 2011):

o.k it looks like too many couples, married or not, have problems since everyone thought of having a profile! i think there is absolutelly no need for someone who's in a loving and thoughtfull relationship to have a web profile with his photos and details all up there for anyone and everyone interested...at the end of the day if he wants to keep in touch with his mates he has so many other ways, more personal and safe for both of you, to do so! or he can use a nickname and have no pict of him if he is so desperate to use web.

And it's never the exes to blame dearest, but only your own man who has put you in such a difficult possition of having to deal with all of them.

So if i were you i'd ask him not to place any of his photos or other personal information out there and i'd do that in a most kind and loving way, not demanding that or acusing him or them, just by saying your trouth. that all these are just dissapointing you because you want to concentrate on more importan issues in your common life and you expect your beloved husband to do the same. after all that is why you married.

I wish you and your family good luck :)

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