A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for 1 year and dating for 2 years before that. He really wants a dog and I really don't want one. (Both of us don't want kids).3 years ago, when we met and began dating, he had just moved from another state and given his husky and German Shepard (two very large and high maintenance dogs) to his uncle. He has always love dogs and animals in general.My friend is trying to give away her husky and every time it's mentioned he won't stop bothering me about it. He was even upset when we went to my friend's home and paid no attention to the dog. "You didn't even pet him once," he said. I thought that was silly but illustrates my point.He convinced me to get a rabbit 1 year ago. The rabbit is low maintenance and my parents are happy to look after it when we travel so that's fine (I grew up with rabbits so knew what to expect). And it does not make any noise. I expected to split the rabbit responsibilities with him but he is actually doing everything. He cuddles with the rabbit every day whereas I only cuddle with it if he brings him to me. Otherwise I don't pay any attention to it. My husband has no problem with taking all the rabbit responsibilities, and only complained twice about me not spending time with the rabbit.He's a loving person and is very much attached to the rabbit and even misses it when he's away, and reminds me to hug it when he's away (which I do not lol).Anyway no problem with the rabbit but him wanting a dog now is a HUGE problem. He says things like "just know we are going to have a dog in the future." I don't want to have anything to do with a dog. I don't want to have to walk it, clean up after it, pay attention to it, listen to it, have it wake us up, hair/smell everywhere... the list goes on and on and I'm sure you can all imagine. I have told him all of this and he says that he will take care of everything. I said even so, the dog will still be apart of my life and IN MY WAY. I even told him that I hardly pay attention the rabbit and will just ignore the dog. It would be unwanted. I can't live with a dog.I have offered other suggestions such as him hanging out with friends' dogs or volunteering (no dogs at our place though) but he wants his OWN dog. Any suggestions? I would be extremely unhappy with any dog (or any other pet higher maintenance than a rabbit really) and unfortunately cannot compromise. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2017): I don't exactly have advice, but just wanted to offer some support by saying you are not alone...I love animals (I'm vegan!) but I'm not a pet person and I really don't ever want to have a dog!!!
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (11 November 2017):
 Please get a rescue, not a puppy. Their behaviours will already be mostly established and you can find one that you connect with too. I agree that a small dog is best for you, but research your breeds - as one with a high prey drive will likely kill your rabbit and/or be a nightmare on walks (for someone who doesn't really want a dog) or one who is prone to "small dog syndrome" will annoy you because they're generally loud and have attitude. They can all be amazing, but not when you don't really want one.Give yourself the best chance of bonding with one, so go to a rescue centre or two, find one who is calm, but still playful, older than 3 years (adolescent time) and already fairly well trained.Please remind your husband that it needs to be a joint choice and not him choosing randomly. BOTH DO LOTS OF RESEARCH. It's so important and most people forget to do it, often leaving them overwhelmed or rehoming the dog.I can't stress enough that it should be a rescue over 3yrs and that you will have to learn to bond/connect with it because it will know you don't want it and will either keep trying desperately to get you to "be friends", or will revert into itself, which is not fair to it. I know you wouldn't hurt it, but you can't emotionally neglect it once it's there.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 November 2017):
 I have to speak in the OP's defense. I don't think she's heartless enough to neglect the rabbit by not feeding or caring for it. I also before I married made it clear that I would never be a dog-person, but that was because my mom was very nearly an animal hoarder, and demanded a TON of work and care of them from us as kids. Our house was nicknamed "Noah's Ark" because no lie! We had 2 dogs (Doberman and toy poodle), 2 house cats, 2 barn cats 2 canaries, 2 horses, 2 fox cubs, 2 gerbils, 2 guinea pigs, and temporarily a raccoon. Add to that caring for 7 more horses and at times, the neighbors 5 additional very large and flea-infested dogs, and I was DONE with cleaning up after animals and having my shoes destroyed by them.
My husband was much like yours, OP, as he grew up with a dog and cat he loved and didn't have to take care of, while I was telling him stories of washing a Doberman who would get sprayed by skunks on occasion, as we lived in the country.
We compromised and got two cats, and that's it. Dogs are truly like taking care of an infant at times, cleaning up poop, vomit, bathing, destroyed and chewed up stuff when they're younger, and taking them outside at 4am when it's below zero outside. People don't realize that when you get dogs, you need running space and chewing stuff, or the house will get trashed.
I loved my dogs and my dogs loved me, but no one should be forced to have to take care of an animal, and it's not good for an animal to be paired with a person who doesn't love them.
I'll say this -- dogs WILL NOT let you ignore tham. They don't go in a hutch like a rabbit. You *have* to take them outside and let them in. They're social, so cramming them in a kennel and ignoring them IS cruel. If you agree to having a dog, you CANNOT ignore them. You must give them social nurture, or bad things happen!
If it's a small dog, do your breed research! No high-strung breeds. There are lots of laid-back great smaller dogs out there! Jack Russell Terriers are great dogs, but they're high-strung. Beagles are really good new-person dogs, as are mini-pinschers. Very loyal and not crazy! Deploy tons of chew toys and pull toys and you'd be surprised at how easy it is to let a dog into your heart.
I bawled like a baby when our dogs lived out their long lives and we had to say goodbye, and I was dragged into caring for them kicking and screaming!
Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2017): OP here. My husband and I talked again. Although I still prefer not to have any pets I could compromise with a smaller dog. It’s true that I would not be as interested in the dog as my husband but it would make him happy. My husband and our marriage comes first. He understands I am not particularly interested and we worked out a plan for every scenario. Fingers crossed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2017): I am the OP. Thank you for all of your input.
Chigirl – No, I meant to say that I don’t naturally approach the rabbit/pets. It’s not something I think about. I don’t think it’s right/wrong but it’s not intentional. Anyway, my husband likes bringing the rabbit over and the three of us enjoy quality time together, which I appreciate. And when he’s away he texts me reminders to cuddle with the rabbit for him. Half the time I do and send him a video, and other half of the time I say I do but I don’t. From his point of view it probably just looks like I am not paying attention. I definitely don’t act cold as I would not do that to my husband.
Hubby has always known that I do not want pets. And he was ok with that. But he changed his mind sometime around when we got married and bought a house. I don’t think it’s wrong of him to change his mind. It just means we are no longer on the same page, and need to discuss.
A dog, to me, is like a child. A dog is smart and knows if he is not loved. I would not want to bring any dogs (or kids) into my life unwanted. I have told my husband this. The way he sees it, once I have a dog it will grow on me. I said that I will just be resentful/regretful. And I don’t think my husband would be happy seeing me not love the dog either. That’s why to me it’s not negotiable. I can imagine the idea of having an outdoor/kennel dog and not in the house but to my husband that would be leaving his child/baby outside in a cage.
Just to clarify, my hubby does most of the work for the rabbit (I jump in now and then). But there is not that much to do (just dump the litter box once a week, and make sure the hay/water is always full). A dog would have a lot more to do.
It’s not that I don’t want to compromise—I don’t think there is a compromise. As many of you suggested, we are just incompatible. I guess I will just have to play by ear if when hubby brings it up again.
Thank you everyone!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2017): OP, if he is away, you *need* to give the rabbit attention. You're pet-sitting, so you shouldn't "lol" at neglecting the rabbit when he's away. Yes, not hugging/holding the rabbit *is* neglect. I wouldn't leave a pet with you and I wish he knew not to as well.
Do not allow him to get a dog. You are cold towards animals and will only neglect them. You are married to the wrong person.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 November 2017):
 He asks you to pet the rabbit when he is away, and you laugh and say that you don't? You agreed to the rabbit, but wont even cuddle it while he is away? Something about that just comes off as very cold to me.
But hey, what can I say, I'm an animal person like your husband. And I would never date, less marry, a person who doesn't also like animals. So I think your husband was either very short sighted and not thinking long term when he married you, or you weren't being honest about how you dislike dogs/pets before you were married. However you come off as being very honest about not wanting dogs, and you even show it through action when not even petting your friends dog (which I think it perfectly acceptable, it's not yours).
So in this case, I believe your husband was short sighted and not thinking long term. And he needs to stop trying to force a dog on you. He is the one who entered this marriage thinking he could change you and convert you into a dog lover, or just get his way anyway, disregarding your feelings.
A dog is a family pet, indeed. So unless the whole family is on board for a dog, it's a no go. You are right in this. So stand your ground and have a solid talk with him about it. But do start to cuddle and care for your rabbit, that one is your responsibility too, even if your husband is currently doing all the work, doesn't mean you shouldn't voluntarily do some.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (8 November 2017):
 Of course dogs can live outside - in a kennel, or a shed. Dogs shouldn't be pampered as if they were children. They like to run and walk, they like to work.
If the self-styled dog trainer who posted ever gets near a farming community then he will know that the dogs don't all live in the farmhouse.
I understand that in Canada and the north of the US then dog teams live and work in sub-zero temperatures.
To be fair, we aren't talking about handbag-dogs here.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 November 2017):
He asks you to pet the rabbit when he is away, and you laugh and say that you don't? You agreed to the rabbit, but wont even cuddle it while he is away? Something about that just comes off as very cold to me.
But hey, what can I say, I'm an animal person like your husband. And I would never date, less marry, a person who doesn't also like animals. So I think your husband was either very short sighted and not thinking long term when he married you, or you weren't being honest about how you dislike dogs/pets before you were married. However you come off as being very honest about not wanting dogs, and you even show it through action when not even petting your friends dog (which I think it perfectly acceptable, it's not yours).
So in this case, I believe your husband was short sighted and not thinking long term. And he needs to stop trying to force a dog on you. He is the one who entered this marriage thinking he could change you and convert you into a dog lover, or just get his way anyway, disregarding your feelings.
A dog is a family pet, indeed. So unless the whole family is on board for a dog, it's a no go. You are right in this. So stand your ground and have a solid talk with him about it. But do start to cuddle and care for your rabbit, that one is your responsibility too, even if your husband is currently doing all the work, doesn't mean you shouldn't voluntarily do some.
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (7 November 2017):
 This is where COMPROMISE is everything.
You cannot expect, nor demand that your husband compromise with you, yet you refuse to compromise with him.
It doesn't work like that, because your marriage isn't all about YOU.
Your husband sounds like a loving, caring individual and he loves animals, which is a wonderful attribute.
You seriously need to consider a fair compromise, so that your husband can bring home a dog and it won't be as bad, nor as hard as you have already imagined it to be.
How do i know?
Well, i can completely relate to your story, because i once felt somewhat similar to how you are feeling now.
Before i met my husband, i had never owned a dog and i didn't know much about relating to and living with a dog.
Quite frankly, i didn't even believe that humans and pets, especially dogs and cats should be living under the same roof!
I always looked at it as something dirty and unhygienic and to some degree i still do, however, once i met and fell in love with my then bf, he told me he had a dog and a smooth haired collie (blue merle) to be precise.
My then bf told me, that his dog lived inside his house with him.
Initially i secretly thought to myself, oh gosh, i hope i can handle this and i wasn't sure what to expect, because i'd always been quite against indoor pets and i was scared of dogs from an early age, as i'd almost been mauled by one.
Once i met my then bf's dog, i liked him straight away, because he looked so sweet and because he was so docile and calm in temperament.
It's been almost 4 years now and our beautiful dog, he's been a part of my life for almost 4 years and a part of my husband's life for approximately 13/14 years.
He's growing old now and although he is still quite sprightly and healthy looking, we know that his days are numbered.
Most collies live to about 16 years max, but many die before they're 16 and our dog, well he's supposed to live to 15 years max.
I cannot tell you how much i love our dog and how much i will miss him when he's gone.
My eyes well up with tears just thinking about it.
He's close by now, as i type you this msg.
What's my point?
My point is, you cannot believe the amount of unconditional love, relaxation, great company and happiness that a little dog, or a big dog can and will bring you.
It's funny, because my husband is like yours and he's prepared to do anything and everything for our dog, yet it's "I" who let's him know that i want to take care of our dog, because it brings me that much joy.
I'm the primary carer now, because my husband works fairly long hours, whilst i work only part-time.
When my husband flies interstate for work, i'm never lonely when home alone, because i have our dog by my side keeping me company and he's a really good watchdog too, so i feel safe sleeping alone at night.
Your marriage involves two people, you and your husband so be fair to him and allow him the opportunity to have what he wants to.
Don't be selfish. It's wrong and you know it.
A small or medium sized dog that's anti-allergy and low maintenance should be fine.
Do some googling and research alone or with your husband.
I know your husband has owned larger breeds, however, perhaps you guys can discuss a compromise regarding size.
On a final note, in reference to cleaning and keeping the house clean, truthfully, it's quite easy.
I am fussy by nature, so each day, or every second day, i simply dash around with the vacuum and mop all our polished floorboards with floor cleaner/sanitiser and our home NEVER smells.
If you have carpet, you can have it all steam cleaned a few times per year.
I always take our dogs food and water bowls outside for cleaning and i never wash anything in our laundry or kitchen sink.
I just wear disposable gloves, i boil water in our old kettle which i keep in the laundry especially for our dog and i sanitise everything, then wipe clean with kitchen paper and bring back inside.
I do this a few times a week, because you really don't have to do it daily, unless his bowls are visibly soiled.
He's properly toilet trained, so he doesn't do number one and two's inside and i make sure of it! haha
I put him outside at least 3 to 4 times per day when i'm home and if we're out, we put him outside just prior and we don't give him loads of water to drink, as we know we'll be home at a certain time.
When we go away for long periods of time, we pay for our regular dog sitter to visit him twice per day, daily.
You can also send your dog away to the dog sitters club, if you'd prefer doing that.
We pay for him to be bathed, nail clipped and pampered once per fortnight or monthly, so that's easy too.
I often brush his teeth, clean his eyes and wipe his paws, after he's been outside on a wet day, but that's it.
He's low maintenance for the most part and when he sheds hair, which collies do, i simply vacuum it all up.
It's really not that hard and much easier than i make it sound.
Once you get into a daily routine, you'll not even question it anymore.
Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): I have a husky and you could not pick a noisier more messy breed (sheds hair all year round - no amount of hoovering will ever get rid of it all). I actually think its not fair to compromise and make the dog live outside. A pet should be allowed in the house and part of the family. I personally could not be with someone who didn't like pets/animals. If you feel that strongly about it, i don't think there is a compromise.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): I’m the OP. Thank you for your advice so far.
The rabbit was supposed to be the compromise. A dog would just be a nightmare for me.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 November 2017):
 So you are not a pet person, he is. He seems to take his responsibilities towards the pets seriously. So I don't think you will find yourself "picking" up after it. You might (depending on breed) have to hear it and see it. That just comes with having an animal in the house.
I have always wanted a dog but my husband keeps rescuing cats... we have WAY (IMHO) too many cats and guess what? I take care of them, I clean up after then, I give them meds when needed, I feed them, pet them, etc... If your husband was like mine - then I could see your problem. But YOUR husband takes FULL responsibility for the pets.
I think, to be frank, that you are being unreasonable. You can't compromise but HE has to? Marriage is not just about what YOU want (or don't want) there are two of you in the marriage.
Australian shepherds are pretty quiet dogs, Boston's too, Pugs and none of these are SUPER large either or high maintenance when it comes to fur care. None of these are super hyperactive and ALL of them are fairly easy to train.
Most people (that I know of) have pets due to the positive effects they have on people. Lower stress, get outside more, an endless supply of affection, keeping you active.
I think you really need to think about this and not just think about yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2017): I'm a dog trainer and dogs shouldn't be forced to live outside. They like homes, thrive in home-environments with families (whether that's one person or 5, etc.), not being stuck outside waiting for someone to pay attention to them. A dog needs to be in a warm place with lots of social interaction, energy release through mental and physical stimulation, love and attention, etc. Most dogs aren't well-suited to living outside, unless they are working dogs and, even then, they have to have a proper outbuilding to live in, not just a hut or dog den.
That's why dogs should only be in homes where all family members want them, allow them into the house (even if it's just downstairs or not on the furniture, etc.), not stuck in one room or outside away from their family/owners, lots of training and attention, daily walks, mental stimulation through games with their owners, etc. In most cases where a dog is stuck living outside, it's better not to have them at all because they need to be close to their family, not isolated for most of the day, every day.
If you don't want one, OP, please don't give in. I'm sorry if that means the end of your marriage, but it's important not to get a pet that won't be loved by all family members, for the same reasons it's not fair to have children, if they aren't wanted by both parents.
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male
reader, Denizen +, writes (7 November 2017):
This situation demands a compromise. What is it going to be? How about if the dog lives outside and you don't have to walk it?
You are digging your heals in over this, but there will come a time when you want something from your husband. Need I say more?
See how you can work together over this. Look at what your objections are and see if you can work with and around them.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 November 2017):
You married someone who loves animals when you more or less can't stand them, and he married someone who can't stand them when he's desperate to have them. You're incompatible. This will be a deal breaker for both of you because you won't compromise (pets shouldn't be in a home where they aren't wanted by all members), but he lives for animals and will resent you for not liking them enough to have a dog.
I hate to be blunt, but I think this marriage is doomed and it's the fault of neither of you discussing it enough before deciding to marry. Essentially, this is like children. You either want them or you don't and you need to marry someone who feels the same. You married someone who feels the same about kids, but not about pets - pets are his child substitute.
He won't be happy without one and you won't be happy with one. I'm sorry, OP, but I think a divorce is inevitable because this isn't something either of you would be happy to compromise on.
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