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My husband promised not to watch porn, but ...

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Pornography<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 September 2010) 9 Answers - (Newest, 1 October 2010)
A female Canada age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi Everyone.Im glad i found this site.Im really depressed and angry that my husband watches porn every chance he gets behind my back.we have been maried for 6 years.we used to atch porn together but suddenly he told me he does not feel comfortable watching with me anymore.i confronted him and he promised me that he wont c it alone.but few days after he was again watching it.when i asked him he said "oh i didntpromise you i had my fingers crossed".he is even asking other porn users to post some pics of the girls on the blogs.i dont know wat to do.i dont have any friends here.feel like im going to suffocate.please give me some advice wat to do?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010):

There's nothing wrong with porn in and of itself, but the situation you describe.... he has fallen out of love with you.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (18 September 2010):

Miamine agony auntIt doesn't sound as if your husband has any respect for you... come on, which adult man thinks crossing fingers invalidates a promise. That's just silly. He isn't taking you seriously. I bet this is more than an issue about pornography. I bet your husband does anything he wants, ignores your feelings, makes jokes and puts you down when you speak.

I suggest you go to marital counselling. Or you do the same thing as him. Tell him you are bored of being disrespected and left out, so you will also play sexual games with strangers over the internet.

This guy is too sure of you. He's too sure that he can treat you like a piece of crap and you won't do anything and you won't leave because you love him. It's time to get back some of your self respect. Why stay in a marriage with a man who doesn't listen and makes jokes about you, and ignores how you feel and thinks only his needs matter.

Have a long talk with him, but really you should re-evaluate what your getting out of this marriage.

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (18 September 2010):

person12345 agony aunt"he wants to see things he knows you don't want, assfucking, titfucking, gangbanging, anal, ass-to-mouth, or more than anything, a guys wants to shoot his cum all over agirls FACE. do you like that? probaby not. if you will do all these things for him and he still watches porn, he is crazy."

I'm wondering if you realize you basically just said two things. One, men's secret fantasies are to degrade, dehumanize, and treat women like crap and that men fulfill this fantasy of wanting to hurt women/treat them like crap/treat them less than human by watching porn. And two that women should not only be OK with allowing someone into their life who is aroused by women's suffering, but that she should let him do it to her to keep him away from porn? You do realize of course that to watch porn is a choice.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010):

i am married and also watch porn. i have to do both. sex with my wife is far more important, but she cannot have sex with me a couple times a day, which is what i like. she has sexual fantasies of doing things we do not do together. i have mine too, but hers are with her eyes closed, mine are with my eyes open watching the computer screen. he wants to see things he knows you don't want, assfucking, titfucking, gangbanging, anal, ass-to-mouth, or more than anything, a guys wants to shoot his cum all over agirls FACE. do you like that? probaby not. if you will do all these things for him and he still watches porn, he is crazy.

[email address blocked]

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A female reader, Lilmama247 United States +, writes (16 September 2010):

This is a serious addiction like they said. You and your husband need to go to counciling and work this out. For you and your husband. Don't let this habit continue anymore

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 September 2010):

Honeypie agony auntSeems like your husband is having some issues here. Might be porn/sex addiction.

I would sit him down and tell him WHY (even if you have done this before) you don't want him to watch it alone. Or at least ask him to explain WHY he will not watch it WITH you.

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A female reader, DanceInTheDark Canada +, writes (16 September 2010):

DanceInTheDark agony auntHe had his fingers crossed? Are you married to a man or a child?

You need to have a serious discussion with him, tell why it hurts you, and ask him how he'd feel if you did the same thing? Would he like it if you were looking at porn of guys all day long?

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A male reader, dirtball United States +, writes (16 September 2010):

dirtball agony auntFirst we have to figure out what it is about the porn that bothers you. From where I sit, it looks more like the lies then the porn. On one hand that's easier, on the other, it's a bit more serious (from my perspective).

Just how ok are you with porn? You said you used to watch it together, would you still like to watch it together? Is it the type of porn he's watching that bothers you? How is your sex life? Does he still please you? Does he choose porn over sex with you? Are your sex drives compatable?

The reason for all my questions is that this is a topic that has been discussed quite a bit, and these are the things that usually are the driving force for problems.

I honestly think that reading through our discussion may help you. I'll warn you, it is very long, but it is well worth it. I hope you'll answer my questions. There are quite a few of us who have embraced this topic who will help, but I think we need a bit more info.

Link to the discussion: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010):

OK, watching porn is one thing...and I honestly dont understand why spouses consider this cheating. But soliciting people in the porn cyber-world to post pics of whomever and blog with them is a little more creepy.

I would suggest counseling...for both of you, or just yourself if he refuses. He may have an addiction. But you may need professional advice on how to break him of th eaddiction. You mentioned that you liked to watch with him...that may be a key in breaking him. By watching some of it with him, you may draw attention back to you and to your marriage.

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