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My husband likes 'transexual' porn..should I just take the kids and go?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Pornography<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 November 2006) 65 Answers - (Newest, 1 October 2012)
A female , *ecca73 writes:

My question is...My husbands porn of choice is transexual porn - porn in general does not bother me...this is a bit disturbing, especially since I have made my views very clear including an ultimadum tranny pron or us. We have kids and I love him but I am ready to go. I am overreacting? It really bugs me but he wont stop!

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A female reader, TSAndreaX United States +, writes (1 October 2012):

First of all, I am transsexual. I found this post because I searched, "where to find guys who are interested in transsexuals." Just for reference.

I'm sure this woman has already made up her mind and probably did leave. I would say she's wrong for thinking that her husband is gay or a "freak," but I actually empathize with her because she probably mostly feels, she can't satisfy entirely what he wants sexually ... and she won't be able to.

I feel this way also with normal, heterosexual men in relationships I have with them ... I can't have a penis and a vagina.

I suppose we always will be just the big "fantasy." Whether it's "right" or "wrong" I guess that's anyone's opinion and it really just goes with what you grew up to think (and what your parents taught you... not what's necessarily right or wrong).

I'm female. I always have been, always will be. I wouldn't wish being transsexual on anyone, it's such a tough, tough battle, especially when I read forums like this and encounter what people think of me.. it's just a lot of hate.

For anyone reading this having their own discovery with a man in their life and him liking transsexuals, please just understand that he's attracted to females.

He's not gay.

He's not going to even necessarily cheat on you with a girl like me... he's probably just reaching out to you. And if you love this man, then try to be part of his fantasy in the bedroom (toys, etc.) and honestly, I bet he will get over it. It's true, we are often just a big fantasy and when it's over... it's over.

He does love you... he does want to keep you and protect you, so do your job and nurture and comfort him, don't make him feel ashamed --- he'll only want to do it even more.

Hope this post was helpful to someone.

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A male reader, hbilly United States +, writes (6 September 2012):

My wife and I have been together 12 wonderful yrs, we have 3 beautiful children, we are in our upper fourties. She told me the day we met she was bisexual, Im a man that was cool with me. We have done the fmf thing many times and we love it, but we never do it alone that is our rule. I was very stick in the mud straight when we met but she has opened my eyes (we are very open with our fantasies and try very hard to fulfill what the other wants). A few years back we were in bed and she told me me wanted to do me with a strapon, well shes always been open to me doing her anally so I figured why not although I was scared, now it has become something we do regularly and enjoy it. So to get to my point the other night she came in and I was looking at pics of trannys online, she asked if I found them attractive and I said yes the feminine ones are intriging, so later in bed I asked her what she thought of trannys and her words were I want to bring one home to have sex with us, she said it turns her on to think of getting screwed by one while playing with her boobs, she says best of both worlds man and woman at once. She says it would really turn her on to watch me getting a bj from one. I am not into men but I am facinated with tgirls, would I be willing to have sex with one, maybe, probably if it turns my wife on, so I guess you can say Im bi curious now. My point is if he is interested maybe you should try and fulfill his fantasies ask him to fulfill yours and save your relationship, who knows it might make your sex life something to write about.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011):

I am going through something very similiar at the moment, but I just found out my husband actually cheated on me. I'm married with kids and this is the second time he has cheated. I was shocked when I found out it was with a transexual. I knew he had a strange interest in it in the past but thought he dropped all of that especially since we were working on our marriage after the last time he cheated. I feel like our marriage has just been full of lies and secrets. He was a good husband and a good father but is leading a double life. He tells me now that after doing research he feels he has a sexual addiction and desperatly wants help (so he says).. don't know what to believe anymore. After all the hell he put me through I think I owe it to myself to move on. I'm so confused!! As much as it hurts me and I love him I don't know how I will ever get over this.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011):

I think its not a big deal guys are sooo horny that we watch so much porn that eventually (like a drug addict needing something harder) we kick it up a notch and go for something harder in the end its all just fantasy I am traight i love women my mom said I came out the womb loving women but i love tranny porn.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2011):

is called gynephilia and is the attraction to the female figure, doesn't matter the sex. Check it out at the wikipedia. Pretty normal

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011):

Yes, you are over reacting. I actually just admitted to my wife this weekend that I enjoyed transsexual pornography and that I had previous encounters in my past. We a very long 3 hour converstation this weekend and I opened up to her and have never loved her more for understanding me. I love her even more for not judging me and for not shutting me out. She is the best ever. I think you need a nice long talk and more importantly make sure you two trust eachother and love eachother. Porno does not always equal cheating. If you like porn who cares.. its just porn. Once he starts cheating on you thats a different story. Embrace some of it with him and make him feel normal, then you do the same and share some feelings. Trust me ... it feels so much better when your wife is on your side and is not judging you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011):

I discovered that my boyfriend liked trannie porn about 5 years ago. I was quite shocked at the time but subsequently got over it, since he said it was just a bit of fun. He said he wouldnt do it anymore, and that he preferred women.

Meanwhile he bought a cam and did live cam-to-cam when I wasnt there. He maintains that he would never do it in real life because of mens prickly beards etc. But I am not so sure. Our sex life is rubbish and he has difficulties with erections (he is 52)

Since then he hasnt stopped at all, and I now live in France 6 months a year since he says he needs 'space'. He says that his idea of the arrangement would be that I would spend about 6 months in France and 6 months with him.

We have been together for 11 year but he has never wanted to live together.I think it is at least partly because he is in denial about his sexulaity.

So my answer to the lady would be to take his looking at penises seriously - REAL men dont want to do it.

Stay together for the sake of the children, yes, but openly find yourself another partner/s - after all, thats what he has done.........Maybe that would stop him. Then he can decide what is important to him!

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A female reader, boowant United States +, writes (30 December 2009):

My bf told me right away that he wears womens panties, at first i didnt know what to think but now i buy him panties.. Then after about 6 months he told me he likes trannys that was a bit disturbing but after a while i was ok with it... He looks at alot of porn (tranny and women no gay porn) we have experimented with anal sex and he likes it (thats ok with me). I dont thinks he is gay i think he just bi (i no how that feels me being bi myself) he just likes transexuals. He is not attrited to men, just trannys.. our sex life is great, i know he loves me cuz i accept him for who he is. He does want to try sex with a tranny im ok with that as long as im involed (i want to try it my self).

so to answer your question, i dont think u should leave him just talk to him about it. communication is the key here.. If he doesnt want to have sex with you then i would worry. But just talk to him and good luck!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009):

The reality is there have been men who have been atracted to the female form whilst loving the attratction of the penis. This can start from a very early age, I do not know why (possiblyI was abused) but the male penis holds a bigger sexual attratcin to me than the female genitially. Maybe it is becuase I can (apologies) feed on the result. I started this when I was 14 years old! I do not know why. I shaved myself etc - I do not know why.

I belive that in the balance of all elements when our sex is determined it can go decidedly either way or just slightly lean to one side. The individual of the day has no or little choice. I spent most of my life being "straight", in the years 13 - 16 I was gay and had sex with my best friend on many occassions. I do not know why, I still loved girls as did he. My parents caught me wearing womens underwear when I was 14, they belted me, but all I wanted to be was a girl. So now as a married male to conform to society I find shemale very attractive. I do NOT find porn where these girls are painfully used as exciting, they are being raped for $'s. I know I could quiet happily love and cheerish a different girl, help her dress and critique her wardrobe. I would not mind being a shemale or lady of difference myself.

I hope this explains to those that do not understand us - sometimes there are things you have no control over.

Regards to all

To some kiss kiss

Trevina

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2009):

Ok, well I watch transsexual porn occasionally (less than 10% of porn is watch is transsexual) but I dont consider myself gay because I am attracted to women, not men. I actually get really turned off if a guy starts fellating the transsexual or plays the "woman". It really bothers me. I just like it because it is like lesbian porn with strapons except the strapons are real. I dont know why it turns me on, but it has no real effect on my sex life so I dont believe it is a problem. In your situation, I advise you to talk to him about this. Maybe he is a bisexual or homosexual, but if he still likes to have sex with you then I dont think it should be a big problem. If he is like me then I believe he will stop and listen to you because that is what I would do.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009):

I am a 14 year-old who is dealing with this same thing with my dad. Creepy to me yes because i set up parental controls for him after i found sample clips in windows media player.

It's freaky because you have this image of him, a foundation par say, and when there is a disturbance it's hard. I had to go to therapy for it. I was scared. My mom is freaked out about it the most though.

I just want to know why does this happen with a lot of people. Porn is one thing. but transsexual is a little freaky.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009):

I want to make a statement as a transsexual woman here. Any transsexual person who identifies as a woman, is a woman - irregardless of surgical status. Now that I have gotten that out of the way, we can move on to the real problem here - the conduct of the men.

Men are abusing pornography and they are lying to themselves. These men who watch this type of pornography are in fact gay but cannot confront it because of the fact that there is too much homophobia in society. The women who work in this profession do so due to a lack of anti-discrimination laws that would protect jobs and housing on the basis of gender identity. This results in these women being forced to work in the sex industry. I have never done so because I am a bit too fat.

What *I* am looking for, personally is to be married to a man who loves me and treats me as a woman. I would never knowingly mess around with another woman's man simply because I would never want the obverse to be done to me.

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A male reader, altocalcophilia United States +, writes (20 July 2009):

I agree in part with "Realistic." Your husband may be a fetishist. Then again, just because he looks at the porn doesn' mean that he likes it. Doesn't automatically mean you should take the kids

But as Realistic said, it's really a kind of deception. He could be a little homoerotic, without being anywhere close to your standard homosexual.

That's not to say that he is fooled into thinking he is looking at a woman. The question is... is he actually aroused by it and if so what aspect of it arouses him?

And if he really thought he was looking at a woman (seriosly doubt it but just in case)... we should let him off the hook.

also, maybe it depends on whether he likes the person before the sex change or after. If he didn't actually have sex and won't, maybe you should give him a chance to correct himself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009):

i have been married for 6 years tomorrow.I found out about my husband being a crossdresser a year after we were married and I have accepted itno harm in dreeeing - as long as it is all out in the open with me , NO hiding no getting dressed as soon as my back is turned. However this has not happened, initially he would be happy for me to assist in shopping for underware, now I am not even shown it.

It feels like there are three people in this marriage , and I am the one thats left out. He dresses as soon as my back is turned. he has now started watching trannyporn on his new lap with the webcam . now I wonder is webcam the next hurdle I will have to get over? am I reaching the end of how far I am willing to accept. He does have another fetish that I accept and that is to wear a diaper ( nothng to do with children at all )Iour sex life has gone downhill and Iam the one that always has to beg for some attention from him . Making me feel like a hooker!

he does not have any urges to have sex ith me , he wanks off quite a lot. to stuff he has downloaded to his mobile phone , and is now "thinking of getting a ipod with video .cant help but wonder what he wants to put on there to watch .......... for those that say trust him. I have and look where it's gotten me , in a marriage where there is him him and sometimes me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009):

I,

I am a wife, married for 17yrs.I found out about his little obsession 3years ago.

My husband told me he was just curious,I found the videos,poppers, ladies underwear.....

He said he had stopped.

No, he just hid it more.

I am now getting concrete evidence, leaving, going to go for counselling. Gonna offer my daughter couselling, shes 16.Maybe I might have a future out there, but it will be on my terms, and to start with alone,[ with my daughter], to get my head around all the deceit and lies, and work out in the name of 'loving marriage'how he destroyed me!

If I don't do this....

How is my daughter ever going to learn from my role as a mother, if I don't do this?

That is my priority, to make sure she knows how to make the right choices in her life too.

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A female reader, raffy United States +, writes (27 January 2009):

Men who look at shemales are gays. I have not doubts. My ex was: 3 years, swearing he would have changed. Blaming drinking etc etc blah blah...He ended up f..ing a 23 year old and be f..ed...sucking and u name it...

My ex was 45 at that time...pig!

If they are turned on by somebody with a penis: they are gays!

Ladies: are u turned on by a stinking pussy???? THINK!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008):

Ok lets bring some clarity to this situation: this email is for all guys and women who are struggling with any of the issues mentioned on this page! It is very clear to me that the guys described by their partners are suffering from sexual addiction. It really is as simple as that. They arent just curious, adventerous etc -they have an unhealthy relationship with porn, sex etc. They may be bi, they may not be-thats not the point. The popint is if they are destroying relationships and hurting themselves emotionally and they cant stop then they have a serious problem. And their partners are being seriously affected-a condition known as co-addiction. I am a recovered sex addict-I was at all that Tranny nonsense for years. Now I am fine, strong, I love sex and im 100% straight. And no im not a religious nut. Please google: sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA).

CHECK OUT THE INFO, THERE IS GREAT HELP AVAILABLE FOR SEX ADDICTION.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008):

Unless he watches gay porn or expresses an attraction to men

he is not gay.

I have traveled quite a bit and their are some transexual women who are better looking than real ones.

Perky round breasts, firm round butts, hourglass shape, luscious lips, a feminine facial structure, and very feminine personality and attributes.

And one would not know they werent women until they actually said so.

I watch Transexual(on women) porn and Lesbian porn. However my past and current partners are natural women.

If you are not comfortable with him watching it, your best bet might be to leave, Because he might sneak and watch even if he agrees to stop.

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A female reader, HeatherB United States +, writes (11 September 2008):

I am in a similiar situation. This has lasted for 4 years now. One year of it we were seperated due to training and deployment. I do not what went on during that time. It started out as him looking at tranny porn, then joining websites, then erotic chat, then meeting up with them. I thought we were past our issues and yet now again just today I find two of his postings with naked pics on Craigslist to meet with guys, trannys, and other women. This has got to stop now. I am beside myself right now. We have tried talking, I have tried to be understanding and yet he still feels the need to lie and hide things behind my back making it worse.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008):

I don't know if this will help you any but here goes. Being with a tranny doesn't mean you're gay, it means you're bi or extremely curious

Until I was 40 or so, I was as straight as an arrow and then for some reason I really began to wonder what gay sex would be like. I could never bring myself to do anything for a long time but finally one night I did and it was great. We had oral and I was a bottom so I experienced what it was all about.

I have always loved sex and have a very high drive, and although I liked it, I still had the feeling of disgust. It was all such a deep primal feeling. So very carnal but extremely impersonal.

This is not a regular thing. I tried it,liked it, but haven't made it a lifestyle. I did discover however, that I understand hetero sex much better and I can truly emotionally connect with my partner. I fully understand her thoughts and feelings as she does oral or we do anal. Actually knowing what it's like for her is great and it makes everything so much better when we cuddle afterwards. The connection is phenomonal and the love even deeper.

The tranny issue is the same, the only difference being because she is a "woman" (and some of these ladies are beautiful), the disgust element is taken away.

There was a survey taken and 70% of men said if they knew they'd never be found out, they would be with a tranny. The deep rooted very base, very carnal, very animalistic urge would be met by a "woman".

Your husband isn't a freak or a pervert or anything else. He's looking at, and thinking about something that is so out of his ordinary. Maybe he's like me and just needs to know.

If you love him don't leave him. Your whole family will be hurt badly. Think deeper than the porn...think about love. Love conquers all things, and to lose the love of your life and your family and your way of life for a curiousity, or a side of him you don't understand would be tragic. Talk to him without anger. If he knows you love him and are just trying to understand him, maybe he'll be able to tell you what's going on.

I wish you the best of luck. Sex is such a deep psychological thing. I hope he realises that this part of him is also a part of you and you need to understand it to understand him and yourself better.

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A male reader, Realistic Bosnia and Herzegovina +, writes (27 July 2008):

I am a guy, straight, with no homosexual experiences at all. I am and I have always been attracted only by women and never guys. I had a lot of heterosexual relationships and happy marriage. But... Whit internet I find out about transsexual porn which was absolutely unknown to me. In my country, very conservative, there are no trannies around at all. I've never ever seen one. But when I've seen transsexual porn on internet some 10 years ago I realized I like those among them who are very feminine. Many of them are not, and if they are not I don't like them at all. Soon I started looking for pictures and videos of feminine trannies and they become a part of my sexual fantasies. I was so confused and felt so strong guilty that I needed help of shrink. Doctor almost laughed when he heard my problem. I didn't need special therapy or medication. Basically he said that all thing about transsexual is that it is kind of deception. If tranny is very feminine like Kalena Rios for example you don't recognize a man in her/him at all. You see a shape that has always been familiar for you: breasts, round rear, nice feminine face etc. It is what turn guys on. I've been speaking with lot of guys on net and it is unbelievable how many of them are attracted with trannies. Almost 70%. Ok. So after shrink explained I am normal i continued with my normal life and get married. I told my wife about my attraction toward trannies and she understood. I would however never cheat on her, not even with a women and as I said, there are no trannies in my country. I had all sort of fantasies about trannies having both oral and anal sex with them - passive and active. But guess what? My wife and me decided to try anal sex. I had it couple of times before too. It has always been my very strong fantasy. but whenever I had it I realized it was not a real thing. I didn't like it. I still have anal sex in my fantasies but in real life it is never special experience. My wife would always accept anal sex although she doesn't like it a lot but true is we don't do it for years because it is not real thing for both of us. I also have fantasies of receiving anal sex in passive role. I really believed I would like it very much. But when my wife accepted to give me anal sex with dildo which she did several times , once again I didn;t like it and we don't do that any longer. Simply, fantasy is just a fantasy and in a real life you will realize you like only good old fashioned sex. I know many of guys who like transsexual porn would actually cheat on their girls and wifes but it is another question - fidelity. Does it matter who do you cheat on with? I know i would never cheat on my wife because I never cheated on my girls. This is me.

Guys are generally in panic when they discover they are attracted by transsexuals because they think they have became gay. They will do anything just to avoid that. Those who actually had sex with trannies no matter how much they liked it knows it is not a real thing and it is not possible for them to build relationship with them, to have a kids, family etc. For me life without kids would be a disaster - I love my wife but kids are necessary for true happiness. I think vast majority of guys think same. So, yes, a lot of guys use tranny porn in some period of their life and most of them find out it is just simply not a real thing, some of them have sex with them, so what, but basically they all, or most of them go forward with real life, real girls and real relationships, marriage and kids and they finally forget that they have ever been in tranny porn/sex. Fidelity is another question. Shrinks say that real gays are not attracted by transsexuals because they don't like feminine shapes at all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008):

I have actually replied to this posting before and I am updating my situation. About two years ago, I discovered my husband was into transexual porn. At first I thought it was just a fetish (as he wanted to make me believe) and I had a hard time grasping what it all meant in terms of our relationship and our future. The logical part of me tried to 'understand' but the non-logical part of me was disgusted and disappointed. Our sex life withered to nothing over the course of the two years, and although our relationship was very loving it was 'incomplete'. Since I found out about his preference I suggested a trial separation to see where his urges would lead him. Our first separation lasted 5 months. At the end of the 5 months he begged me to come home because he was not doing well emotionally. I knew he had dated a transgender person during this time, but he was sketchy about the details omitting things to avoid hurting me. Given that our love for one another was so solid I agreed to let him move back in and try 'one more time'. Six months later, I discovered (through other sources) that throughout our separation, he had been a bottom and loved it! (something he would vehemently deny) that he loved giving oral and swallowing semen and that he was EXTREMELY aroused by this sexual relationship. Now, to my face he would always make it appear as though it was not SEXUAL and that he was just looking for a 'connection'. He also tried to put the blame on our relationship and find every excuse (resentment, childhood issues, etc) as to why our sex life was deeply affected. I can only speak from my experience-- sexual attraction is very primal. No matter how much your guy tries to make sense of out it-- there is no logical explanation. He is aroused by a manufactured "female" with an erect penis. And no matter how strong and loving your relationship may be this attraction (often times turned obsession) can dominate and make him seek it. So it is not that he does not love you-- his urges are stronger than anything else and you have to ask yourself if you should settle for this. In my case, after discovering all of this I am NOT o.k. knowing HOW much he likes this and knowing that he would try to 'curve' his appetite by abiding to 'what is right' and socially correct. I do not think I have to be his moral compass or road to righteousness at the expense of an unsatisfactory marital relationship. I want a man who loves me but who also derives ULTIMATE satisfaction with a woman (that woman, being me). Needless to say, I left that relationship and I am in the process of healing from all the self-inflicted guilt and doubts I endured during this time. [Private details removed by moderator.] Best of luck, and remember you did not create THIS and it is NOT your duty to solve it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008):

well he needs 2 decided witch he luvs better... ou and yours kids or porn..i would go with family because its important then anythin in tha world but thats me....guys who like transexual porn are gay i h8 2 say it but its true its like a guy but a girl so run as far away from him

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008):

What do straight men love?

Women.

What is a mans favourite place on his body?

His penis.

1+1 = 2 = transsexual fantasy...

No big deal

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008):

i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and love him very very much. he is my whole world. But about 6 weeks ago he told me he liked transexuals.

He showed me some pictures of the things he likes and says he only watches them on their own. I admire him so much for being able to open up about it. But inside im devastated, he said to me that he doesn't know if he would have oral sex with one and touch their cock (wank). so i asked him would you ever sleep with one and he said in these exact words "yeah probably so". We have just got our first house together and i feel lost.It makes me think: does he watch them on their own? if he doesnt know if he would like to please them, then he probably does watch them with other people.

He says that he wants me and that he knows if he was with a transexual it would mean not being able to have a family, which is really important to him. Ever since this happened our sex life has gone downhill rapidly. It's always the same excuses but for a couple of weeks he was downloading porn on his phone and havin a wank in the bathroom thinking i didn't know what he was doing. i have tried to be as strong as i can but i feel like i beg for sex, but he suddenly stopped wanting it.

I have nothing against these trans-gender people at all but i am in such a strange place knowing that my BF wonders what it would be like. Especially because he said that he liked them as much as watching women. I know he has had 1-2-1 chats with them because some of them were added on a site we both use. Makes me think did he web-cam with them?

He likes to have stuff up his arse, loves butt plugs and stap-ons. The thing is i have absolutely no problem with this but knowing that he may consider what it feels like to have the real thing worries me.

I am so scared of losing him because he's the only person i've ever seen a future with and i love him more than he could ever understand. I tried to explain that two people who spend their lives together also share their lives and i want to experience all the things which we fantasize about together. We can look back and say no regrets and no "i wonder what ifs". But how can i be a part of that, he knows it will never be a reality. He's told me it won't change and i know that. i don't hate him for that, a person is a person is a person but i feel almost inadequate and that i cant forfill his darkest fantasys. I'll do anything with the right person, and he is, but i cant ever reach to that part of his life. and that hurts.

I have no problem with porn at all: lets face it who hasn't watched it. But when does looking at something abit taboo and exotic corss the line with thinking about it in reality? He has completely shut off from it now and i can't tlk to him because he gets mad, shouts, i cry, we fall out and then wer no beter off. I think mainly i just want him to talk to me, i'd be able to get my head around it if i could understand it, i suppose im just confused. I really want him to talk to me but i can't understand why he won't.he doesn't show his feelings but its hurting me and he knows it deep down. I know we would come out the other side stronger but he doesnt seem to think that. How should i go about it. please HELP!

sorry 4 the long msg. xx

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008):

wow... the amount of women not just on here but on the internet that just love to hate on men bothers me so much... luckily i have found one who is not. we watch porn together we do special things and love each other very much. in this situation you need to talk things out and not just yell and him and threaten to leave. you need to understand this and realize the world mentality isnt 1950 and those who can open our minds really get the most out of life. but lady do what you want you'll regret if you leave your husband over someething like this.... KIDS this is why you dont rush to get married and always use condoms...

Best

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A female reader, anloure United States +, writes (26 March 2008):

I had a similar situation where my boyfriend was "caught" looking at tranny porn on his computer. I was so disgusted that I completely flipped on him. I though he must be gay. Now that was a couple years ago and my stomach ties into knots when I think about it. The time I found this all out changed our whole relationship in the worse way possible. I have a hard time trusting him and dont feel very sexual with him. He feels embarrassed. I try to understand it, but I just keep thinking "ewwww". Is there a way to get over this? We have tried counseling and somehow the counselor doesn't think it is a big deal either.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008):

I am so happy to not be alone. My husband and I have been together for 17 years and he has never shared his love for porn with me. I have caught him online lots of times looking at porn and he never shows me what he is looking at. He promised me that he stopped looking at porn but he kept deleteing the history so I starting my wondering. I checked his computer and saw plenty of tranny porn (second time). When I comfronted him he denied looking at that and was very adament about how that it is disgusting. He has never opened up about that side of him and I always gave him space but I asked him to please open up that I would open to anything. Should I be worried that he is a homosexual? Why does he hide this part of his life from me. Please help I don't want to break our family apart. I know that it is easy for some to get up and leave but my kids would be devastated.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008):

For a lot of men it is not so much about being gay, but it is about "the forbidden". It is "bad" to want to play with a penis. What happens when you do something bad? You are excited. Well, a man who is into tranny's doesn't neccesarily make him into men. Many times I think a tranny is a way to be bad and do the forbidden, while still looking at a body and face that are attractive to you, that of a woman.

I have looked at tranny porn, but I would never enter into a gay relationship.

I dont know what I would do if I had kids, but if I was in a relationship and it was "the porn or me", I would say "OK, bye". Why would I want to be with someone who cannot join in with my sexual fantasies?

Most people don't really think about why they like what they like and disapprove of what they dislike. They base their views on what they grew up to believe is "normal". Some people are adventurous and want to explore. Maybe they will see something one day that makes them curious, so it unlocks that box inside their mind. Once it is open, they realize that there are other things out there that may be exciting too. Once you let go of what is right or wrong in the eyes of other people, and realize that what you think inside your own mind (which is absolutely private, nobody has to know), you will start to look for other interesting strange things to see if that arouses you. Maybe you will discover that you like the idea of peeing on your husband? YOu probably read this now and say "eww no thats sick". But why? Because what we understand in society is that peeing is dirty? Well, what if you put that aside, and thought about it in a different way. Maybe you change your mind, maybe not. But there are millions of people in the world all with their own fetishes, that is why they make porn for all these people. Some people who are insecure, prude, or whatever you want to call it, they will laugh and tell you it is disgusting. But sometimes you have to let go of all that to discover things that may surprise you about yourself.

How do I know this? Because I have been there myself. I am in Europe, where sex and porn is everywhere and considered normal. There are many sex clubs, wives go with their husbands and live out their fantasies. Many people are very open. You probably read this thinking "no that will never happen, that is not for me". I tell you this, almost everyone who does what they do that some might say is not "normal", also started out with the same skeptical view. But one thing led to another, they realized that there are things out there that are turning them on that they never imagined would, so they keep trying. When these people experience these new things with their partner/husband/etc it is a very powerful thing. You are sharing your true inner most desires with eachother, and perhaps sharing a secret that nobody must ever know. You will trust eachother with this secret because you are both in it together.

Then there are other people who make no secret of it, they shout it to whoever wnats to hear, and are proud of their adventurous sex lives.

Forget the stigma, buy some tranny porn, buy a realistic looking strap-on, put on the TV and strip for your husband. He married you, so there must be something there. Does he want to be with a stranger? Or does he want to act out his fantasies with the person he loves? I think you know what a guy would rather do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008):

lady just ask him to stop and if he dosent, get risd of his films

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008):

Glad to know I'm not the only one who is subject to little suprises :) However, after my initial feelings of shock, embarrassment, doubt as to his preferences, etc (all the stupid, ingrained feelings of insecurity we females are brought up with) I actually took a secret peek and found out it turned me on with a bang!!! We have since then bought a few toys and are having the sex of our lives. I might add that my man is 61 and I am 46, so there's lots of room for improvement! As long as it doesn't get out of hand (sic) and he doesn't neglect you, the kids or his general life, why worry? Have some fun and live with the fact that we all have secret desires and phantasies.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008):

A lot of women think that they can force men to change. You can't. Find out what his attraction is about, then either deal with it (I like the person who suggested dressing him up and having the greatest sex of your life) or go, but don't make a big fuss about it because you won't change him.

Honestly, I think that if you can find it in you to be liberal with his fantasies, you might find your sex life to be far richer.

And for the lady who talked about "porn-using men," women read porn as well. It's just that they tend to be a little more uptight about it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2007):

I can't believe how incredibly stupid and naive half the people giving advice here are -- I am glad none of you are friends or relations of mine. (I hope.)

The correct answer is: If it's only porn (and not the sort that involves dogs, kids or dead people), then it's not a big deal. You need to calm down, accept that you're in a marriage with this person and that means accepting the parts of him you like along with the parts you don't whatever that might mean. You also need to learn that trying to change someone against their will is more likely to end in tears all around.

Ultimately, the questions you have to ask yourself are:

- Does he remain faithful to you, outside of whatever he may have or media he may view?

- Does he treat his children well? Are they loved?

- Is he a productive member of the family?

If the answer to all of those questions is yes, then you've found a good father and husband. These are rarer than you might think and not easily found.

So, unless there is something horribly wrong with him beyond his preferred sort of pornography, You should learn to cope with whatever flaws you find in him. Quite surely he finds just as many in you (Though one hopes he is far more polite in how he deals with them.)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007):

Here's the thing your husbands fetish may just be a symptom of a semi-homoerotic fantasy brought on by an over exposure to pornography itself, the idea that if he experimented with a shemale it would be ok, because they were almost women, or he might want to be either dominated,by or become one himself.

Does he like to dress in womens clothes?

Next time your intimate slowly slip your bra and Panties on him, tell him it turns you on see how he reacts.

Please remember that there is no reason to take the kids and run.

If he is into this type of thing there are a myriad of ways to make it exciting for both of you & keep it secret from the kids.

If he's not into the underwear, althought I am sure he will be, you should also get a strap-on penis.

Remember if you love him & he loves you this is just a sexual thing.

Haven't you ever thought of taking charge in the bedroom, it could be great for both of you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007):

tranny porn is a fantasy. I look at it with my wife and we both get into it. I started her into it, and she started buying dvd's instead of looking at it on the computer. it has led to a much greater sex life and we have opened our minds to much more fun. prudes be damned, everyone has to love someone. if there is a particular game, or fantasy that you want to play with that loved one-man or woman or both, then go for it. the only reason to pause and step back is if there is infidelity in the relationship. if you have to go outside the relationship or are embarassed about sharing it with the one you love then you need to re-evaluate your decisions and take a deep look into yourself. if you can't be open with the one you love, then you can't be honest with yourself. open your mind, you never know what you might see and whether or not you'll enjoy it. the age of political correctness is not correct for humankind in general. gay, straight or bi, explore your inner being and enjoy life.

there's a saying that everyone is born bi-sexual and don't forget, decadence can be a good thing. just ask the romans!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007):

Porn is kind of like a drug, and uncontrollable use of it is like drug addiction. It takes time away from reality. I've had my times of being way too into porn, as an escape from an unhappy reality. I know others who are deep into it. It's not a good thing.

Not sure what the tranny thing's about. I have met some trannies, and they are pretty decent people, but, I don't get the attraction, or the need to switch hit. Someone addicted to tranny porn probably wants to be one, or be in that life. I think that means *gay*, unless he's into tranny porn where the dude/chick is with a straight woman. (If such a thing exists.) One thing I heard is that some trans guys want to change to get together with lesbian women. Maybe he's a lesbian.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007):

How ridiculous.. Tranny's a MEN..someone needs to tell them to go speak to a psychologist. If humans hadn't come up with all sorts of "maufactured" way to change ourselves which are FAKE we would be just as we were to begin with, as we came out of the womb, MEN or WOMEN. You don't change who you are you freaks. You have just made excuses for this behavior. Get help. And any man looking at this junk is a total homo in the closet.

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (24 August 2007):

TELLULAH agony auntI admit it sounds like an obvious answer, but have you told him how strongly you feel.

If this upsets you that much, then he is being selfish to not concider your feelings.

But in the same way, it seams a little harsh to leave him just because he likes to look at something a bit different.

Maybe you can come to some kind of boundry as to what you think is exceptable, and to what he will also agree too.

I dont believe that just because a guy watches porn he gets worse, and wants to watch more.

When I first got with my fella he was into bondage and kinky films. Now he has seen so much he cant be bothered with it all.

Men are like kids (sorry guys). You have to use reverse Psychology on them.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007):

your man is disrepecting your feelings, this porn is not something he can't live without. he needs to make a choice..you and the kids, or the porn. After he has abstained from it for awhile he will stop thinking about it, you however will never stop thinking about it and it is going to cause more and more arguments and make your marriage miserable. as far as the kids are concerned..what happens when they stumble across this? you cannot hide anything from kids, they are the most invasive creatures on the planet.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007):

My question is to the males: "why are you so fasinated by a person with a PENIS but has a face and breast of a female?

Doesn't that make a man gay to even lust for someone who has a PENIS?

Im confused as well.

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A male reader, rckdhouse United States +, writes (20 August 2007):

NO, woman need to realize how strong a mans sex drive is. the average man thinks about sex 20 times... and hour! for one i think you need to realize that transexuals are people to just like you are, most transexuals are just born in the wrong body. if you just have a problem with your husband looking at porn, you have to realize that almost every guy on the planet does watch porn. If you think that you should just take your kids away with you from him, you should kick yourself, no kid deserves to have their parents taken away from them and i would be disgusted with anyone who would even consider doing something like that. but if he does try to have sex with a transexual, that would be cheating on you, you need to make that clear to him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007):

I thought I was the only one. Naive I know. My husband has been watching A LOT of transexual porn. He even looks at their adds on Craigslist almost every day. I have a problem with porn to begin with. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but I have had trematic experiences in the area of sexual realationships. He is awar fo these and how they affect me (known since before we were married) We have been together for 10 years. I feel like he is not attracted to me. I know I am not unattractive because I do have other men show interest. I'm very willing sexually to try all kinds of things as long as it is sharing it with my spouse so I know it is not that he is not getting what he wants from me (if he does even really want me). My fear is that he is a closet homosexual and is hiding behind our marrige. It almost sounds like this is your fear as well. I have confronted him about his obsesion with porn(of all kinds)and expressed to him just how much it bothers me and why, but he continues to do it. He even turns me down for sex frequenlty (actually not anymore because he has done it so often I don't come on to him any longer because I am tired of the rejection). I too contemplate leaving. I'm actually starting to gear up for it. I don't think straight porn would even bother me so much if he didn't so frequently show disinterest in me. I've actually watched it with him is the past and enjoyed sharing it with him. The tranny porn, I just don't get how a guy who says he loves women and says he is so against gay men can enjoy wathcing it.....Good luck to you in whatever choice you make. So far I ahve stayed for the kids. I don't know if that is a good choice as look at their male role model....

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007):

I'm not into that stuff but that is your husband and you do have kids together maybe you should watch it and enjoy with him and it might blow over and he'll stop watching it everyone has phases they go through and bad habits we grow out of

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2007):

If you see your problem simply as "If my husband reads transexual porn and you don't approve of it, then you should take your kids and go", then you must be making a big mistake.

Look at it as a wider issue. "If my husband do X and you disapprove of it, then get your kids and go".

That X has got to be something very very serious for you to do something so drastic.

I cannot see that reading porn, or particularly transexual porn as anything drastic enough to justify such an action.

It does however, bring in some questions like does he do more than just read the porn, or does he actually have sex with transexuals for example.

I feel that in such a situation, the best course of action for a wife is to try to join in the fun, so as not to let this develop into a secret obsession and more.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007):

I just got married a few months ago and me and my husband starting having problems when he would walk around with this girl at work, who was total opposite of me she is more or less a freak and i am the opposite. For a week i had to pull things out of him and then found out he was interested in Transexuals and that he had been with them before we ever met and that he's not sure what he wants,he's also been in to freaky girls he says because they do freakier things. i have never been so shocked i feel like i don't even know the person i married and don't know if this is a serious problem and i should leave i don't know what to do kinda scared for the future.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2007):

i think your over reacting.

my wife watches gay porn and we have a fantastic sex life. she can get her appetite anywhere as long as she eats at home so to speak.

get over yourself woman

instead of giving ultimatums what you should be doing is embracing his likes and finding out why he likes it so much. then if all goes well after a while he will give it up "maybe"!!! or you will begin to enjoy it.

dont get me wrong i am not advising you to encourage him but maybe by treating like an adult instead of a little scalded child you may get what you want.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2007):

it is right for your husband to watch it it is just a movie my husband does it too

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2007):

Go and buy him some sexy undies,miniskirt,tarty make etc.Have a drink then go for some mind blowing sex marathon. If you`re not a prude you will not look back.You might walk like you`ve been riding a horse in the morning,but you should smile from ear to ear.Its just a bit of fun,you only live once.If that dont work he should leave you-boring!

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A female reader, XX United Kingdom +, writes (25 June 2007):

My husband is also into tranny porn, he keeps watching tranny porn behind my back for about a year and he has even been to see them but he denies the fact that he likes men as he says trannies are women.I am very confused and i want to leave him because i don't think he will ever change! I think he is hiding behind our marriage........

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007):

I'm sure you have already resolved this situation, but I feel like responding anyway:

Does your husband merely watch transsexual porn, or does he masturbate to it? Sometimes I watch transsexual or gay male porn because I am curious about how they have sex (yes, strange, I know).

(I think) There are two explanations for your husband masturbating to gay porn.

1) He might feel he is masturbating to a porn you'd object to less (obviously he is wrong). He might feel like you'd feel less threatened if he masturbated to a man, but since he is not gay it would be hard for him to get off to gay male porn. This is similar to the idea of female having an extramarital affair with another female because she feels her husband will not feel as threatened.

2)He might be a closeted homosexual or bisexual, or have homosexual fantasies.

If he is doing it because of the first case, then you should explain to him how much you dislike transsexual porn. From what you wrote in your question, however, it sounds like you already did. You said his "porn of choice" is transsexual porn, which makes it seem more likely that it is the second case. If he is a closeted homosexual, then you should probably separate from him for a little while and let him determine if he really prefers men over women. The next thing he will have to decide is whether he can live without expressing his attraction towards men. If he really prefers men over women (is a strong homosexual), then he probably can't. If he is just curious about homosexuality, is bisexual, then he might be able to live without expressing his homosexual feelings, thus living by the your wedding vows.

I do think you would be reacting rashly if you simply took the kids and left, but I do not think you should force yourself to live with behavior you do not like, especially if the reason your husband is engaging in this behavior is because he is not sexually attracted to you. It is true you have children with him, but having children with a person does not mean that you love them (I know that sounds harsh). I know many gay people try to be straight (speaking from experience - by the way, I'm a lesbian), and some are willing to go to great lengths to be "straight". If this is true, like I said above, you might want to separate from him, unless you are willing to "adjust" your marriage - like becoming "polyamorous", and allowing your husband to have male lovers and you have lovers yourself. That works sometime.

Hope things work out for the best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2007):

i read all the above comments and can say i dont agree on any of them because like most people in this world as like most of the above its seems people have this strange way of thinking, they live by guidelines set out thousands of years ago. like a man should provide for the family and women nucher it but yet your living in the 21 st cent meaning your using a comp which thousands of years ago they would proberly killed you for for being strange which in its self is ironic point of it is we all look different talk grow eat do everything different from the rest of people its curiousness nothing else love him you married him honestly talk but see it as nothing as its not important your family IS and the love in it is, more than anything in this world he loves you or you wouldnt have kids and each other so embrace it enjoy it hold on to it cause if you dont only later will you regret it which is a painful way to live trust me i am

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2007):

If ur really gonna abandon your husband just cause he gets off to trap porn, then i think your husband should be the one taking the kids and going,

marriage is like gold being formed into a sculpture, it gets stressed sometimes, but it come out only more beautiful in the end.

learn to accept his fetish(es), its not a big deal anyway

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2007):

Hi,

I also found out that my husband is into tranny porn (he even admitted to meeting with these "creatures" in real live). I basically asked for a separation until he gets his issues resolved. I suspect that men who are into this are closeted gays or have some issues with their sexuality (maybe experimenting with transexuals seems safer since they "look" like females). More power to you for standing up to him. He needs to be honest with himself and find out what this is all about. If you are not o.k with he needs to stop it, but in order for him to stop he needs to explore who he is and the underlying reasons for this. Best of luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2007):

Most men can separate porn from day to day life, which need not be viewed as a degenerate past-time. . . Only you can answer your own question, but maybe a combination of accomodation and getting him to look at trannies as something more than sex objects (i.e. trannies do more than have sex) could help.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007):

i just found out that my boyfriend is doing the same thing and i am agonizing with the question of if i should leave i got over regular porn but this is too much for me

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2006):

I'd run before it's too late. I had the same problem, except he took it to the next level and met up with one, had sex, etc..

Yuck! Thank God I didn't have kids with him. Seriously...RUN!

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A female reader, willywombat United Kingdom +, writes (13 December 2006):

willywombat agony auntWhat is 'tranny pron' anyway....

;)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2006):

get over it, as long as he is not cheating on you its just fantasy. If you don't like it thats fine don't watch it, but if you love him and have kids leaving some one over what porn they choose is kinda petty. If your ok with porn then this just another kind.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2006):

its only porn if u walk in the room and find him dressed as a woman then by all means run !! but wot harm is it really doing ? and the person that said tell his friend thats just stupid, this is a marriage thing not one for the closest friends 2 join in on !

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006):

The motional effects on the children of staying with a man who models bad behaviours will be far more damaging than having a one parent family that is without these problems

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006):

"Take the kids and go" sounds very quick and easy doesnt it. However it masks the pain and hurt and emotional scaring it will cause them. How do you even plan on explaining it to them?

You havent caused this problem but you do own your response to it. I think that you ought to at least seek consulting to understand the nature of the attraction. Is it just the taboo flavor of the week? Is the attraction because you forbid it?

Or is it a 'bendover boyfriend' thing, which may be fater than you want to go....

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A male reader, frank8080 +, writes (13 November 2006):

frank8080 agony auntyou can't judge some one for ther habits and hobbys porn is an addiction same as a drug alcahol even biting your nails as for the tranny side of it mabye he is unhappy or just wants to see something new give him a chance talk to him alone on a day alone for you and him and find out why he is doing this not just for you and him dont let the kids be caut up in this as i lost my dad and cant see eye to eye with him now

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (13 November 2006):

Yos agony auntNo I don't personally think you are over-reacting. You are willing to put up with 'regular' porn, which is a concession greater than many women are willing to make. He should be willing to temper his habit if it bothers you as much as it does.

Perhaps he does not believe your ultimatum? If you start making more visible moves to move out he may come to his senses. Do you know any of his good male friends? Another option might be to confide in his best friend(s) and ask if they can speak to him about it. Under the circumstances they may be willing to talk some sense into him, and he may take it better coming from one of them.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006):

I personally think that if a man likes to watch any type of porn when you object is a real insult to you, I don't understand the attraction with tranny porn except for the fact that it is even more offensive than porn involving one on one sex with heterosexual partners.

The fact of the matter is that porn is a triangulation of a relationship, meaning that a third party has entered into the partnership and is taking away from that bond of the primary relationship, it could be work, an extramarital affair or whatever, it still has the same damaging effect on the relationship.

I think ultimatums don't always work in a marriage, but I think you should seek professional help form a therapist or psychologist. If your husband will not go, then you go because you can still change yourself and maybe learn better ways to set boundaries with your husband and make a decision as to the future of you life together as a family.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006):

Run girl run....men seem to be getting worse and worse with their porn problems.......you dont have to accept this...time more women had the self respect to walk away from porn using men

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