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My husband lies and gambles our money away. Where do we go from here?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 April 2009) 9 Answers - (Newest, 8 October 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

im 22 and have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years.We have a 2 year old son and we live together,but my boyfriend has a gambling problem.

He lies to me all the time and gambles behind my back,he also thinks that its alright and makes me feel bad for arguing with him when he gambls our money.

Every week i find out that hes lied to me or gambled more money,he even pretends to pay bills but really gambles the money.We have split up loads of times but for the sake of our son we got back together.Im not working at the moment so me and my son rely on my partners wage to pay the bills ect.I really am at my wits end,

i cant leave him because i have nowhere else to go and he refuses to move out.I would love him to get help so we can be a normal couple but he wont.

What should i do?

View related questions: gambling, got back together, money, split up

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010):

I am in the same situation here as many I read about online. I have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 6. We have 3 wonderful children and the only thing we argue about is the amount of money he gambles away. He has always had a bet and Ive never asked him to stop, just control it and bet what we can afford. I know what he would choose as his words have already been 'I do not love anyone enough to stop having a bet'. He has lots of friends and they all gamble, including all of his family they gamble too, Im surrounded by it. I have isolated myself completely due to my lack of self worth and my life is him and my children. So the decision to tell him I want to separate is impossible as I dote on him so much and my family is my world. He screams shouts and swears in a very hateful way at me whenever I have an opinion. Im so tired of arguing, I know his first love is the bookies. I always appologise for what I say and he punishes me for days with his behaviour. I'm convinced he hates me because I get in the way of his gambling and only stays because he 'has no where else to go'. He works hard and in turn believes it's his right to bet our money without me having any say. I cant be a happy mum for my children and each day is groundhog day, where I strive for him to give a damn. I want hime to be happy more than anything and I always think I dont know whats worse the moods he goes in when he's losing or the money he loses. I am at a complete loss too and have nowhere to turn, I tell no one in fear that it goes back to him. I have no family except his and he has threatened to leave me many a time. He lies to to lose money and I feel like a complete mug, when he has had access to the bank when I have been Ill at home or have been in hospital through pregancy probs/birth he has taken advantage and lost 100's and has broken the news to me when I recover but there can be 'no' arguement, whats done is done and he cant get it back. I used to work and he lost most of my wages when I was carrying our first child. I panic and feel like a lost little girl and srongly believe I would no longer be here if I didnt have my children. I fear I do not love him and live this life as I am so terrified of coping on my own. I'm 30 now and believe that one way or another things can only get worse.

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A male reader, Moparfreud United States +, writes (5 October 2010):

I have a problem also and gamble every dime I get. I am always up on the black jack table but when it gets late I bet really big and then loose it all everytime.......However there is an answer.

GET HIM BANNED FROM THE BOAT.....THEY WILL BAN HIM AT HIS REQUEST FROM ALL CASINOS IN YOUR AREA AND THEY WILL NOT LIFT IT!!!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2010):

Do you have a family member or good friend who will take you in? I realise you rely on his money to support you and your child, but he will have to support you if you separate! You should not put up with this any more. He will not change unless something drastic like you leaving forces him too, that's if he loves you. My husband gambled $40,000 on the pokies behind my back until I found out (he was lying and not paying bills too and I had to pick up the slack) It all ended when I gave him the ultimatum - stop gambling or I will divorce you, and you can pack your bags right NOW. He packed, he left (for 11 days!) came back crawling and has never gambled since. he loved me and my son too much and saw what he was losing. I really feel for you and you are so young. He is disrespecting you badly. Some boys never grow up. They say they love you, don't they? What kind of love is that, to make you so angry and upset? Leave now!

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A female reader, dmlombardo United States +, writes (28 August 2010):

RUN!! This will never ever ever get better. You can only expect more of the same because this is a sickness. He will want to change but will never change. My husband is 43 years old and still lies and gambles. How sad I am that I wasted my youth on someone that doesn't deserve it. Please run now for the sake of your child!!!

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A male reader, psom United States +, writes (19 June 2010):

I am in the same boat you are except for we do not share a child. I also do not have a clue what to do. I know we are right to be upset. I love him so much and do not want to split but it puts way to much anxiety on my plate. I know this is not an answer to your question but I thought it may help to know that someone else out there is having the same problem. You are not alone. Ill be praying for you. I hope things work out for the both of us. Do not give up your standard of life and believes.

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A male reader, psom United States +, writes (19 June 2010):

I am in the same boat you are except for we do not share a child. I also do not have a clue what to do. I know we are right to be upset. I love him so much and do not want to split but it puts way to much anxiety on my plate. I know this is not an answer to your question but I thought it may help to know that someone else out there is having the same problem. You are not alone. Ill be praying for you. I hope things work out for the both of us. Do not give up your standard of life and believes.

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A female reader, george81 United Kingdom +, writes (20 April 2009):

I have to agree to, I'm 27, and had been with my husband for 6 years to. He to is a complusive gambler and liked lying to get a reaction.

The problem is that they do not change unless they want to and it won't matter how much you try to help or shout, even the an ultimatum didn't work for me. I have 2 kids, & got fed up of not having money for them so I kicked him out in the end.

If you want to leave or leave yourself, go to your local Citizens Advice Bureau, they can tell you what benefit's you'd be entitled to on your own, and possibly speak to your son's health visitor, they can help provide fantastic help.

Put you & your son first and make sure your safe and finacially stable, he's not thinking of either of you when he goes and blows the money.

And if you are worried about supporting yourself, I'm on my own with my two children now and having to claim benefit's, but it's much more stable than never knowing if you can pay for the kids next meal and it's not as bad as it first seems.

Hope all goes well, good luck.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (17 April 2009):

eyeswideopen agony auntA gambling addiction is a very difficult one to live with. One day there's money the next you are broke, the ups and downs make it very hard to maintain a stable environment, really bad for children especially.

My roommate in college had a Dad who was a professional gambler. Her mother divorced him when she was very young because of that very fact. They never could plan on having money to pay the bills or even for groceries.

You really need to get yourself employed (tough these days)and get as financially independent as you can. It may take some time to get your ducks in a row but once you do you can decide what steps you need to take.

In the mean time I'd insist, for your son's sake, that you take over paying the bills so he can't squander the money.

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A female reader, rose the relationship solver United Kingdom +, writes (17 April 2009):

rose the relationship solver agony auntyour husband is immature, give him an ultimatum. its u and your child or lying and gambeling your lifes away, if he chooses gambeling then you no that ther is no hope. im sorry for putting it bluntly, good luck

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