My husband told me he was going to give up watching porn. But he is still watching it and now lying about it. I know this because he uses my laptop while I go to work and today when I go to the URL to type in YouTub... well then YouPor... comes pops up, so I checked the internet history so I could delete it off my computer. He's been lying to me though - when I ask him how he is going with his porn hiatus, he says he hasn't been masturbating ... it hurts when he lies! Why does he have to lie?? Is it a caught watching porn lie? Or is it a lie to keep the peace, as while I don't mind porn that much, I feel like he watches it a bit too much.
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reader, aunt honesty + ♥, writes (16 August 2018):Sounds like he has a problem with it and he is lying to keep the peace. Is it effecting your sex life? It is horrible to know that your husband is lying to you and I think you just need to tell him how it is making you feel. It is almost like he cannot stop.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2018):It seem he made feel he needs porn to meet what he considers his male need for visual stimulation and variety and in doing so is ignoring your female needs Perhaps ask him if it's ok for you to also get your natural female needs met outside the relationship and take on an emotional connection with another man who finds you to be desirable and exciting rather than porn . Explain that you also will not touch this man and it will only be talking to meet the female need for intimacy connection and to feel more important and desirable than porn I'm sure he will agree that your needs are as important as his and then pursuer meeting someone who can fulfil that role . Honestly I find that is the only way for women to deal with the selfishness of men and the whole porn issue these days and that way both partners are having their needs met . I've never heard of a man who gives porn up regardless of how it hurts the woman he claims to love so ultimately take control of your needs and get them met just like he is
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reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (10 August 2018):This is such a worn-out topic.
Porn is basically addictive. Men are visual-creatures and derive sexual-pleasure from what we see. There seems to be an element of voyeurism in most fellows; which is exploited by a multi-billion dollar industry. Sex is a pleasure appreciated by animals and almost the entire human race. It produces dopamine. The brain-chemical of pleasure! It causes the feeling of euphoria. It's a high!
You are a woman. You will live-out a lifetime and die; and you will never understand how a man's mind works.
The sex-industry and social media taps into our psychological-needs and mental-weaknesses, and exploits them. Repetition and constant exposure will condition the mind through brainwashing, and holds us captive by our desires.
Once a guy watches porn, he opens a whole new world to his senses; and he satisfies/activates his otherwise hidden and/or dormant-tendencies for voyeurism. He watches naked bodies engaging in all sorts of sexual-activities and sensual-stunts. Some he'd love to do, and some he'd rather just watch. He doesn't necessarily want to perform them on his partner; or defile his perception of the person he loves. For some reason we hold our committed-partners to a different standard. We are all still conditioned by societies shaming against taboos; but that only heightens the desire for the forbidden-fruits of carnal pleasure/cravings.
In time, he'll want to share; but the true pleasure comes from privacy and secrecy. He doesn't need your uppity self-righteous displays of disapproval; or for you to kill his enjoyment by judging him. Deciding he's a pervert; or acting like his distraught mother finding a dirty magazine under his bed. Then the whole thing becomes an act of defiance.
Over-indulgence in porn still infiltrates his love-life; because too much masturbation desensitizes your penis, subjects you to a mindset that objectifies women; and you don't want/need sex with a partner after multiple ejaculations.
Not your concern, but the the sake of argument (and other readers); the same effect occurs in gay-men. He becomes captivated by the possibility of variety; and that minimizes the thrill with the same partner. A handy substitute. No pun intended. Generally true, regardless of sexual-orientation.
The mind constantly searches for new sources of stimulation. The novelty of a new toy! It has no effect on your love for your partner. It doesn't mean you are no longer sexually-attracted to them. Just blocked, and/or overloaded; by so much junk and garbage piled-up in his mind. It switches you over from seeking your usual sources of sexual-pleasure derived from your partner. Which requires emotion, depth, sensitivity, creativity, and intimacy. Rather to a thought-process of self-entitlement, selfishness, and immediate-gratification. It's a total mind-reset. Difficult to return from, or quit, for most guys!
You become lazy and selfish; because self-pleasure to climax is quick and easy, and places no demands on you. A partner does. The same partner also becomes boring and predictable over-time. Viewing porn offers variety, changing characters, and a host of scenes and scenarios for sexual-entertainment purposes. It is created to arouse and please every fantasy; made visually-possible at the press of a key! More than one human-imagination could ever conjure or produce! Producing an overload of dopamine that causes addiction; which occurs in the same part of the brain effected by addictive-opioids and habit-forming narcotic drugs. The normal brain only needs and produces a reasonable amount of dopamine; so it flips-out when it gets a mother-load! It just wants more!
Numbing certain synaptic-receptors; while others receive too much stimulation. Know the science, and you'll understand the problem. Porn is introduced into almost everything! Commercial ads and TV shows! Reinforcing the addiction!
Thus giving him instant arousal, quick orgasm, selfish-pleasure without nagging and whining; and a high on dopamine, comparable to a hit of cocaine or any highly-addictive narcotic.
Once a person gets into the habit of masturbation assisted by porn, it's a hard habit to break.
You spend a lot of time monitoring and policing your husband. Almost to the degree of obsession. Men masturbate with or without porn. It's natural.
As teens it was magazines or the ladies underwear section of catalogs; now it is a full-blown industry that caters to every conceivable taste. You want to stop the porn viewing, you can only ask. It's up to him to decide what habits he wants to break. If it interferes with your sex-life? The following comment is going to hurt. It's not always the fault of porn. It could be he's bored with his present sex-life. You and he may be off-sync emotionally; and too much conflict has caused emotional-separation. Subconsciously, there are things in your personality he doesn't like. It detracts from your sex-appeal. Like you don't like him watching porn, as one of your issues about him.
Porn might be a major factor attributing to your problem with your husband; but you're trying to eliminate all other possibilities in a state of denial. "He's the problem in our marriage, not me!" So many women will resort to: "porn makes me feel inadequate and insecure." That's a very undeniable side-effect; but we are complex as human-beings, and it takes a host of things to lead to problems that have a negative-effect on our relationships. When things are right and we truly love each other; we take on challenges and roadblocks as a team, and we fix or overcome them. When there is no open-communication; there is a disconnection, both psychologically and physically.
It is my own opinion that porn is bad for men. I agree with women, that it is as bad as cheating with another woman. That is, when porn has infiltrated or diminished your love-life; and he refuses to give it up. So don't assume I am pro-porn. Not by any means. I don't view it! I don't like anything that controls my brain and soils my spirit. I'm a Christian. My faith and beliefs prohibit the use. Never had a use for it anyway!
Honeypie hit the nail on the head. If I may quote:
"I think instead of grilling him, talk about WHY he is watching porn, if he feels your sex-life is lacking and HOW you two (together) can improve it."
Your sex-life may not have been great to start with. Your marriage may be failing in other areas. People lose intimacy due to persistent disagreements, incompatibility, financial-issues; and having partners who are oversensitive, chronic complainers, or controlling.
Porn becomes an escape from reality; and offers sexually-suggestive exploits. Activities that go far beyond the usual bedroom-activities of everyday-people. It entices viewers with sex-toys, odd-positions, and introduces fetishism. Some guys and women see things that they instantly become intrigued by. It's usually just their thing, and not shared by their partners. So it is kept secret, or shared clandestinely with a like-minded sex-partner through cheating. No, porn does not "always" lead to cheating; it is often an alternative to that. Factually, it also leads to cheating. If the person is prone to the that behavior to begin with. He or she won't need porn to push them to it!
Men have become selfish and over-indulgent since social media has over-taken our lives; but make no mistake, WE are the rulers of OUR genitals. You don't get to tell us when and what to do with them. You don't get to hold mind-control over any other human-being. Your spying (another form of voyeurism) and shaming only backfires; because you're being vindictive and nasty. Not a way to get someone to love you back, or change an unwanted behavior! You want to modify an unwanted-behavior? Try through mutual-cooperation; and through discussion and communication. You don't get to shame anybody into doing, or to stop doing, anything! If you get bad-results for your meanness, it's well-deserved. Not for the pain the porn is causing you in your marriage. There, I draw the line.
You've got other issues in your marriage, and porn is only one of them.
Like that or not! You have to go at the root of your marital issues and deal with those. You have to learn and understand what's going on in his head. If it's something he refuses to change for your sake; then make a decision about the continuance of your marriage. He has to make a choice and see the consequences of those choices. He may need therapy and rehab; if it is a full-blown addiction. Addicts are difficult to bring to confessing addiction; they need consequences to move them to rehabilitation.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 August 2018):I think it's "a lie to keep the peace".
I think instead of grilling him, talk about WHY he is watching porn, if he feels your sex-life is lacking and HOW you two (together) can improve it.
I think if porn interferes with the sex-life then it is detrimental and no little matter. But it looks like your husband doesn't REALLY think he should give it up... So he continues while lying to your face and agreeing that he should cut down on it... and I'd have to wonder why.
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