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My husband left me for his young mistress. Will they work out in the future?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 April 2008) 50 Answers - (Newest, 22 December 2010)
A female Canada age 36-40, anonymous writes:

i am the typical story of the wife whos husband left for the young mistress. im sick of hearing that a husband never leaves in those circumstances because im proof that they do. He was happy until she came into the equation and then he completely changed.

We were highschool sweethearts and have 2 kids together and one that he raised for 15 yrs, whom he married along with me at our wedding. i am very confused because he is doing things he would never have done including shutting out his kids, changing his appearance, and slacking off at a job he loved. He also stopped communication with me for the first 3 months he was gone and didnt really seem to have a good reason as to leaving. He know for the past few weeks has begun to contact me. He will text me on my phone mostly every morning (unless he is not working in which she is probably nearby)he instant messages me on my computer( not as often as text messages) and speaks of intimate moments we have had in our past and speaks of meeting up for an encounter in the future. He swears up and down that he is happy with this girl but it is hard for me to understand if he is so happy, why is he speaking to his ex wife the way he does?? I need help because he has always been a good man and i believe we are meant for each other. I love him dearly and believe in forgive and forget due to mistakes i have made in my past. Due relationships such as his ( age difference + mistress ) workout in the future???

View related questions: ex-wife, his ex, mistress, text, wedding

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010):

I found this post, and it all is happening to me right now.. I noticed this was in 2008- what happened? How did it work out?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010):

i know your pain, and hope for the sme things you do. when i met my husband, he had a child from a relationship with a girlfriend who he had left after she cheated on him, i had 2 kids from a privious relationship, and it was like us meeting made some sense of the bad from our previous relationships, we married, he brought up my kids and we struggled with maintance payments to her but we were happy most of the time. then about a year ago hed been acting strange, he came in and said he was leaving, it turns out he had been going to see the ex, 6 wks later he told me she was pregnant,i wanted to die, i couldnt function, i missed him he said it was a mistake he didnt want to be with her, then it turned out to be twins, right up until they were born i wanted him back, i still love him, and like you iwonder how this can ever work for them, and i wonder,he forgave her all those years later,but can it work, and its really hard to move on, no matter what they have done take care x

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A female reader, Got the Last Laugh United States +, writes (26 January 2009):

Ten years ago my husband left me for his mistress. We had been married for twelve years and had a four-year-old son. Rachel and my husband met at work. She worked in cubicle outside of my husband's office and would eavesdrop on his conversations with me. She knew our marriage was in trouble and purposely went after him

Well she got him alright. They moved to Indonesia and immediately started a family. Within two years they had a daughter and a son. She was in her mid-forties and was in a big rush to have babies. She was getting on up in years and had to insure she would be taken care of no matter what.

After four years of marriage she couldn't take him or Indonesia anymore. She snuck out as much money out of their back account as she possibly could before him finding out, went back to the US and filed for divorce.

She even had the nerve to call me when she was divorcing asking me for advice.

About a year after they divorced he came to see his son. He'd never done that before. He would normally send for him. After our son went to bed that evening, my ex asked if he could talk to me. We talked for awhile and he asked me if I was happy. I said happy wouldn't be the word I would describe myself to be. I had joy and peace in my life. It took me a long time to get to that point in my life but at forty I believed I was finally there.

He asked me to marry him again that very night. He said he never stopped loving me and a day never went by in the seven years we were apart that I didn't cross his mind. He said he wouldn't leave until I agreed. I agreed but got cold feet and called off the wedding once. We married in Maui and my son was there. So very happy his parents are back together again.

Rachel married and her new husband, Paul, adopted the two children. That marriage won't last either. Even when a husband leaves his wife for another woman, it has a 1% chance of working. Even then it's a living hell for both of them. Ill gotten gains never last.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008):

Amen

'Let me say, God is a father to the fatherless and a husband to the widows (or single moms) He has never let me down or not taken care of me. If you don't already belong to one, please find a good church to help you through this time. The people are like family and will care about and pray for your family. take care'

I totally agree with this when mine left me and our children. I found refuse in the church. God is now the head of our home. Not only that but I now understand his love and who he trully is. I definately would suggest this as well.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008):

wow, male anon form Oct. 14 is in a living hell.

To dear wife, I'm sorry for all this hurt your husband has put on you and your children. I hope you have gotten stronger and found support to cope with this loss. The end of a marriage feels like a death. But there is much HOPE for you for a new beginning. My situation is not the same, but I understand when a child feels abandoned by their father. Let me say, God is a father to the fatherless and a husband to the widows (or single moms) He has never let me down or not taken care of me. If you don't already belong to one, please find a good church to help you through this time. The people are like family and will care about and pray for your family. take care

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008):

I would love to talk to someone who gave advice on here

A reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2008):

The male who was married to his wife for 17 years. If you are him please send me a private message as I would like some advice and think it would be good for the both of us to maybe help each other.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008):

I have been the mistress. He left his wife for me. But, he was all over the place emotionally. He would tell me he loved me and wanted to have children with me. The main thing he wanted was to get married and "settle in" with me. But, then the next week he would be full of guilt. He missed his son (child with his wife). They were only separated, so I was on pins and needles emotionally until the divorce was final.

He admitted to me that he was addicted to sex and wanted us all to have a threesome. I was horrified. Everything had been a lie. In the end he went back to the wife who called me a home wrecker that she wanted to kill. Just this morning he emailed me that she now wants us all to be in a relationship. He with me and she with me. I find that disgusting and I can't believe either of them would have the nerve to ask.

I know this is not your situation, but I say this because I knew this man for 7 years. I never imagined I would have an affair with a married man, but I did. Seperated is still married. He left her for me. He left me for her. Now he admits he wants us both. No matter how much you think you know someone, you never really know them. Why do you want a man that would walk out on you for another woman? If it wasn't her it would have been someone else. Try to find happiness on your own. In the end you may find that he will come back and you won't want him. Maybe he won't come back, but truthfully, you are probably better off without him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2008):

Hi,

I am in almost exactly the position of your husband. I left my wife 18 months ago after 17 years of marriage. I then left the so called mistress 6 months ago and fully intended to go back to my wife. After a short time with her, I returned to the mistress thus doubling the hurt. Things did not go to plan. It was a disaster- I was a disaster. I was all over the place emotionally. Everybody was trying to get involved, my wife was an emotional wreck and I foolishly kept up a contact with the mistress, who was also an emotional wreck. I dont know how I did not kill myself. I do not know how I got to where I now am. Unlike your husband, I have now got no contact with my wife but do see my eldest child who is over 16. I have no idea whether she would now take me back either. I also have no idea how I can get out of the relationship I am now in. But I will have to do something. It is one thing to realise you have totally screwed up but another to work out how the hell to get out of it. I really fear that my one time "mistress" now new partner will not survive my leaving her for the 2nd time. She is massively dependant on me, totally insecure to the point of suffocation and has herself left her husband and kids to be with me- though it was her that pushed things very heavily from the start with deadlines and ultimatums and a hell of a lot of pressure. If she did survive this then heaven knows what repurcussions and revenge would abound- revenge on my wife would almost certainly happen and I really do believe this could be serious. But as every day passes, I try to plan a way out of this- but my life is so busy and mapped out that I let things go time and time again. I have asked my new partner how she can claim to be happy when she spends every living second checking where I am. I phone her hourly from work. I do not dare to see my friends as this just causes too many problems. I wish there was a way out. And as every day goes by, its another day where I could come closer to losing my old life forever, if that has not already happened. I wish I could erase the last 2 years. I wish I could run away. I Can`t. I wish my new partner would feel the same way and we could part amicably and she could go back to her husband. But she will never do that. She says she can not live without me. My wife claims this too (or certainly has done). I want to go back to my wife and for us to have our lives back. And I plan to do this somehow. I may be too late. I may not even be able to pull it off. But that is my wish. Given what your husband did to you, I guess that may be his wish also- hence that being the case, then you have every reason to be hopeful. He will not be able to let you even have a sniff that these are his true feelings as he too may feel he is unable to do anything about it. But he may find it in him to do this one day and come back to you. I know that in my case this is my deepest and most secret wish. If only I could pull that off then I would never ever do anything like this again. Hope this helps you.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (12 June 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntYou can obtain a judgment by default against him and is binding.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

as of today i am wondering if there is something mentally wrong with my husband/ex. This is a really confusing process as it is to wonder why he is doing the things that he is doing but today he didnt show up for the first court date set for custody/ child support...didnt even file the papers that were sent to him. My family sums it up to him being a loser but i just dont know whats going on with him...why is he blowing off something he could get in trouble for, something so important? Is he trying to escape responsibility? Is he afraid? Is he a loser? Im at my wits end.

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (3 June 2008):

TELLULAH agony auntHi,

I feel so desperatly sorry for you. I understand how much it hurts when your husband walks out. The thing is, I truly believe that if he felt the same way that you do, he would never have looked somewhere else. If it hadnt been this girl it would have been another. He wasnt happy!

This doesnt mean that its your faliure, you as far as we know, did nothing wrong. Maybe you were to good to him and he took that for granted? who knows?.

Its the hardest thing in the world to pick yourself up and start again. But you must! for your childrens sake. You owe it to them to be strong. Stop hanging on to every little glimmer that he might come back, because he probably wont. I really do mean this in a kind way, and hate to hear of anyone being so upset. Time is a great healer as they say.

I! like you at one point, would never have dreamed of breaking up a relationship. But you cannot help who you fall for. And doesnt everyone deserve the right to be happy.

There is a person out there that will make you happy again, and when you are, you will wonder why you were ever so sad.

XX

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

i wish all women had the compassion to stay away from men who had someone at home who loves them and doesnt realize their hearts are being broken.i appreciate that. Fact is that its happened to me and since i have been single i have had "taken" men hitting on me. I coundt even live with myself if i hurt another woman in the same way i have been hurt. It is the worst pain imaginable.As for why do i want to be with a man like him...its because i love him and have loved him for 15 years (As best friends before lovers) He wasnt always the man he is today. The "change" happened quite suddenly. I wish to god my heart would change as fast as his actions had but unfortunately my heart is being cruel to me.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008):

Until a few days ago, I was a man's mistress. I respect marriage and I would never want to be a home wrecker, but I've known this man as a friend for over 4 years before we ever became intimate. I met him when he was getting a divorce from his wife. He actually was divorced while we were friends. He asked me out but I always denied him since he worked in the same industry as I do and we share many working contacts. I am 26 years old, but very career driven, so I didn't want to take a chance. Anyways, he persisted for 4 years and would call me just to talk and touch base even when I moved on in my career.

Eventually I called him out of the blue when I got out of a bad breakup and he responded. We met up and since I'm somewhat of a prude, I invited him to my house just to talk. We had several 'just talking' sessions until finally I kissed him. Very slowly, we started doing other things. It took about five months after our first kiss to finally sleep together. Although he denies it, I heard from a reliable source that he is married, and he NEVER spends more than a few hours with me during our 'sessions'. In my heart, I know he's married, (according to a rumor he reunited with his ex-wife and I already knew they have a kid).

I recently left town for a month on vacation just to clear my head. I don't want this kind of relationship, but I honestly think that if he truly loved her, he wouldn't have been chasing me so much. I think that if I tell him I love him, he might leave her for me.

Thing is, I don't know if I love him as much as he loves me, especially since he deceived me when I made it clear I would never be involved with a married man. I think he knows that.

I know this may not be the same thing as your story, I just wanted to share it.

Since I arrived into town after my month vacation, he has texted me, I tell him that I am still out of town. I am trying to avoid him so I can prevent an awkward moment where I break off the relationship or whatever we have.

Thing is, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you completely? There are many people in this world. Don't settle on someone who isn't interested enough to be with you permanently even if you have a family together. You are a strong person and you can take care of yourself if you need to. If he comes back then he comes back, and if he doesn't then he doesn't. Either way, it doesn't matter. You will grow as a person and have time to explore your own life. Even if he does come back, you may not want him. You are a lot stronger than you realize.

You can be happy without this person.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008):

I don't think their age difference is that big. Not that this matters, but men mature much later then woman and 13 years isn't ridiculous. I think your husband is having a midlife crisis. This is a good thing because it appears that he is looking to escape responsibility which he cannot do. This woman is treating only one side of his needs. He is like a pancake - he eventually will need to be flipped. I wouldn't give up if I were you. I would sit comfortably in your more mature state and wait for him to come back begging. Move on with your life and keep praying to Jesus. He can reconcile any mess. This has happened a million times for thousands of years. No new tricks here. God is in control, you just have to let him. Don't resist the Christian faith. Take hold in your turmoil. It is your only hope. He will give you the patience and help you forgive. He can move mountains my dear. You just have to ask. He has a plan for you. He also protects his children from the enemy and fights their battles for them.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (1 June 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntIt is all a matter of perceptions.

What you see may not be what you get.

Saying is one thing but doing is another.

Some people may say it out but may not do what they said.

What is said today may not be applicable somewhere down the road.

Tomorrow is another new day.

The mere fact that he has not taken any concrete actions ,

shows that he is uncertain of the divorce.

Otherwise , he would have seen a lawyer and you would have received the divorce paper to sign.

Do not have a defeatist attitude.

Think positive and it is like planting a seed on the ground.

You go to sleep and tomorrow or next week the seed would germinate.

You don't have to do anything.

When she wakes up and realized the age differences,

they will break up.

Even some couples can still reconcile after their divorce.

The most important thing is to go on living your life and not to be caught in a time warp.

Do not expect everything to be settled by tomorrow or next week.

It could take years.That is why you need to cast this

problem unto Jesus and have trust and faith in Him.

Do not lose hope.

No one can see what will happen in the future.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

i thank everyone for the words of encouragement and even honesty but i think now i have to let go. It kills me to let him go but it kills me more to hear people say we are soon to be divorced. Maybe someday we will iron things out but for right now he is with his girlfriend and i cant compete with her. She is young and naive.(She is 22 and he is 35) How could i posibly compete with that? Besides, if he is telling people we are getting divorced (even if there has been no divorce started) It must mean he is finished with me. I cant hang on to hope with all the negative things being said. Divorce is a pretty final thing.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008):

Has anybody here tried referring you to "How to Survive Infidelity" on the marriagebuilders site?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Great advice is there, you're not the first one to whom this has happened, so no point in reinventing the wheel in trying to deal with it.

Best of luck to you, poor dear.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008):

His Mistress so this has been going on for awhile? Where is your Power? Why do you think you deserve to be with a man who cheats on you? Why do you think you deserve less happiness?

This man will keep hurting you and keep cheating,, GET YOUR POWER BACK, Let him go,, tell him bye bye and take him for everything you can. Hit him hard in the pocket book.

and move on , take care of you and get a job ( if you don't have one) or go to school, work out , join clubs,, and you will look back and wonder why you put up with his stuff,

YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS , TAKE IT,,

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (30 May 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntAt this moment you are buffeted by strong winds and the storm in your life has not abated.

Keep your eyes focus on Jesus or your aims in life.

Do not let anything distract you.

Take each day at a time and do not think too much about those problems.

It will unravel in the end and you will see the light at the end of the dark tunnel.

Keep your hopes high and pray daily.

You have the kids and a intangible bond with him.

You have more advantages than her.

Treat it like a detour in this journey.

For he will come back to the main road when he had enough.

You may think he maybe happy for now but in many cases,

they still pine for their old partners.

Iron need to be put through the furnace to be burned and

to removed all the impurities before they can become like

steel,more hardened and stronger.

Everything happens because God wills it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

you all have such wonderful advice, im starting to believe that maybe he is happy where he is and theres nothing i can do about that. His girlfriend is young and obviously stupid and i cant compete with that. I think it very unfair that he is happy concidering he has devistated me and my kids. My middle daughter woke up today and had a meltdown (she has seen her dad for about 4 hrs in the last 7 months and when she talks to him he gets angry if she shares her angry feelings with him) Anyways, she told me she wanted to die and wanted her dad cuz she missed him...the problem is that she will not go near his girlfriend. Its painful for me to watch my kids in so much pain plus be in pain myself. Where did my life fall apart, maybe someday i will get to see things clearly

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008):

One thing you may try and do is write him a hand written letter to give him the next time you see him. You can use this as an opportunity to build him up and talk about the changes you have made. Let him know that you unconditionally love him, but at the same time you are moving on.You can tell him that you forgive him even if he does chose to stay away (this won't be a license to leave btw).

Don't get me wrong when I asked whether it was "that bad." What I wanted you to realize is that moments in time are equal and YOU make one out to be worse than the other because of fear and fear alone. I know it sounds crazy, but living for each moment is freeing. Living for the future is burdensome and scarey. Try enjoying your moments and don't let your present moment be stolen because of a fear that you have about living without your husband or him happy with someone else. He won't be happy with someone else. He will always be running from something for as long as he is with her. He will have no peace. Right now he is miserable and "planning" to be happy in the future. Don't make this same mistake.

Your husband will want to come back. The poster below is correct when she says that men are creatures of habit. They want the woman who honors him and respects him. He wants to be surrounded by his family and not some desperate harlot with a very low self esteem. No one wants to be around that because it is too emotionally draining. Too much drama. Remember that when a man marries his mistress she becomes a wife. That is why men don't marry these woman and when they do, it doesn't really work. Men see woman as either marry material or . . . other material. When you mix the two, there is trouble. Your husband will realize this once he has "responsibilities" with her. When she starts in with this, he is out of there. He will resent her. He sees her as he wants to see her right now because she is making it comfty for him. This will change in time.

In the mean time, stay focused on you. Don't try to not think about it because that is impossible.Instead, when you do start thinking about it, tear down the lies and replace them with the truth. Tell yourself that thinking about them together does not bring you healing. Tell yourdelf that when you get angry with your husband, think that he is hurting and does not know how to communicate his feelings to you. I have a baby at home and when she has gas she sometimes wants to have her bottle. This just makes her throw up. All that she knows is that something doesn't feel good and that her bottle usually makes her feel better. The bottle of course is the last thing she needs. Your husband doenst know what is wrong so he doesn't know how to fix it. He just knows what feels good, even though it is the worst thing for him.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (28 May 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntTreat him like a good friend and you will slowly win him back.

Since you have the physical barrier , you may need to use the phone or internet to communicate with him.

Every relationship has its ups and downs.

You may have to wait for those opportunities.

In the meantime , try to raise your self esteem.

Think more positive and create a better self image of yourself.

Stop blaming him or others or think of yourself as a victim or martyr.

You are only responsible for your own happiness and you do not have to depend on others.

Stop feeling guilty and be harsh or critical on yourself .

You cannot change others but you can change yourself.

In this way , he may see your change and he may change his views about you.

Learn from your mistakes and let those wrongs go and don't harp on them all the time.

You need to forgive yourself .

Go and do those things you enjoy and like .Have fun and laugh.

You need to relax and not think too much of that problem.

Keep a journal if you like and write your feelings on it.

You may see your progress and achievements.

Learn to live in the present and let go of the past.

Don't regret what has happened in the past because it won't do much help to you.

Men are creatures of habit.

After sometime , they will feel the urge to go back to their familiar surroundings.

Go to the gym or have regular workouts which can increase your confidence and self esteem.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

im not sure anymore how to try to win him back. My self esteem is bad because i feel as though i wasnt good enough for him but she is. We are also 3 hours away from each other . It doesnt even seem like the cryouts from his kids make any difference to him.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (28 May 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntIf you wait under the apple tree and wait for that particular apple to fall,

you may have to wait for a long time.

If you want to speed up things, you may have to shake the

tree or use a ladder to pluck that particular apple.

If you don't give him any signal or signs that you want him back ,you may lose him forever.

A man has feelings too.A man would also like to feel that he is wanted for who he is and not just a utility man or ATM machine.

You told us that you love him but does he knows that?

Perhaps he does not see the love in you because your actions may have given him the wrong perceptions.

Sometimes appearance maybe deceptive.

What you see is not what you get.

After so much water has flowed under the bridge,

if he comes back , he will no more be the same, much wiser now though certain characteristic may not have changed.

He could have mellowed some.

Man and animal have some similar characteristics.

If you own a dog and he does something wrong and you scold him,

he will have a sad face and will look at you to ask for your

forgiveness or to get back on your good side again.

If you call to him, give him a pat on the head and talk

nicely to him again , he will forget about the past and everything will be OK again.

It is easier to forgive a dog than a man but the principle is the same.

That is the strategy if you want to win him back from his mistress.

If you love him alot and want him to come back to you ,

you will have to accept everything thrown your way and overcome them.

You must not have anger or revenge in your heart because those are mental road blocks to reconnect back with him.

If you just break up and he has no mistress,

then you can act like you have move on.

But if he has a mistress, this strategy will only be the final nail in the coffin in your relationship.

If you love him and want him back,you cannot be a passive player.

You will have to do what is necessary and at whatever cost to get him back.

If you just leave everything to him and fate,

you might as well wish him goodbye forever.

When the heart is warm , it is soft,

when it is cold, it is like concrete which has hardened.

The chasm will grow wider and wider till it cannot be bridged anymore.

If you don't love him anymore , then it is another different matter.

If you have tried and failed, then at least you know you did your best and it was not your fault.

You can then move on and start a new life without him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

life right now is "that bad". There is nothing in this world worse then missing the one you love the most. He is at this moment not speaking to me or my kids again( for what reason im not sure)but it feels horible. At the same time i miss him and love him i am angry and believe that he deserves to feel the loneliness he has made his family feel. I am terrified that he and his girlfriend will make it past the odds and he will get away with what he has done to me and my kids. Specially if i back out and let this go on. I want this empty feeling to be gone and want to lay in my bed at night and not not be able to fall asleep because of my dreams of a future im not sure we will have.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008):

I dont think you should fight to get him back because you just might get him back, but in the same condition he left you in. Yuck. You are looking for a NEW man and this takes time and endurance. He has a lot of his own realizations to make and changes to be made. Right now he knows you are sitting at home waiting for him. He knows that you are hoping for him to call. If you walk away and start working on yourself, pick up a new hobby, etc he will be jealous that you have moved on and he will wonder why you don't need him anymore. The whole reason he is with a younger woman is to show her the way of his wisdom because this is his insecurity. You walking away will hit his insecurity square on, and after time he will probably panic. He doesn't want to be rejected anymore than you do. In the back of his mind he knows it won't work with his mistress which is why he is trying to keep in contact with you - to make sure that you will take him back. This is a method of his managing. Dont let him manage anything. Despite how hard this will be, don't pay his bills, don't keep things good with his family, and don't give him the satisfaction of knowing you will take him back- because you won't. Not as the man he is today. You want a changed man. As I said before, if you fight like a dog to get him back, you just might get him in the same condition you left him. You are looking for a new marriage. Sometimes it is a lot harder to sit and "do nothing" than to do something. When he calls be very strong. No more crying or making him feel guilty. Talk about your new life and show him that he doesn't know everything about you. Find new music, books or movies that you like. Lose a couple of pounds, not for him, but because you will feel good about you. You should not be in a hurry and don't let time discourage you. What are you in a hurry for anyway? Aren't you living your worst nightmare right now? Is it REALLY that bad? No. You are just scared of your future without a husband and father for your kids.

Part of your journey in this trial is to learn to be less codependant and rwalize that your husband is not responsible for your happiness and that your joy is not contingent on his acceptance of you. This will take a long time to master. Buy some used books on Amazon. Buy something you never thought you would buy. Start figuring out who you are again. Your husband will be curious. He will see the change only if it is genuine. You can tell your husband still loves you because he is so extreme by not talking at all, etc and then wanting to have sex. If he didnt care, he would be indifferent.

The number one rule here is consistency. Inconsistency is even worse then what you are doing now. Keep to this for as long as it takes!

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (26 May 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntIf you love him , you should not back away from him but instead you should fight for him.

Are you going to let somebody just steal your man away?

Is your relationship not worth saving?

You are going to show him that you want him back and love him.

You can tell him that you will work on those issues and change if you must.

If you just sit down and do nothing,even God also cannot help you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

to female anonymous...Do you believe i am doing the right thing by backing away and letting him have the relationship with her? Will it make him believe i dont want him anymore or get him closer to her? every decsion i seem to make anymore is wrong and this decision scares me alot. I know he is upset about something because he is not talking to me or the kids again,,, maybe it is because we have an upcoming court date for child support (not divorce)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008):

There is nothing gullible about standing for your marriage. It is absolutely wrong to get up and leave a marriage because you "feel" like you are not in love anymore. In spite of the fairytales,love is MORE than a feeling. It is a committment and an action too.Feelings follow action despite what society leads us to believe. Those married for decades tell us that times weren't always easy, but they stuck through it and fell in love again. I commend you in your stand for committment. What you are showing your husband is that you unconditionally love your husband. What the other poster says about why would you stay with a man who doesn't love you- I will tell you why - it is because your love for him is not conditioned on his love for you. Why? Because you are married. That's it. You are just as much married today as you were on your honeymoon.you are expressing the true meaning of unconditional love. It is a lot "easier" to just move on to the next fellow. What you are doing is very hard.

Your work in the months ahead is solely for you. Don't change just for him. Change the way God wants you to.God knows who your husband needs you to be. God is using this time in your life to get your attention. So give it to him.Cry out to Him for help. Read the psalms outloud.Ask him to reveal the areas you need to change.

You can't your husband, but the Lord can! Your husband will see your surrendering to the Lord as confidance. No one will go back to an insecure crying wife. Don't rush anything. Your husbands relationship with his mistress is a joke. It is not based on who they truly are. No one is a sleezy adulterous person. This action is a result of insecurities, Not because they are "this person". An affair is just two people feeding each other's insecurities and calling it love. The comittment is always contingent- obviously. A long term affair is like a drug -truly. )ou start the drug feeling AMAZING. Then after a while you ask yourself, what is so bad with doing this drug anyway? I feel good and I am still managing my life just fine. Then the drug stops working and you stop being able to manage your life. This is the decision point - and your husband is getting there. This is when the druggie either quits, knowing he will have to go through withdrawal, or he will just live in hell the rest of his life barely managing. Even in the small chance your husbands affair will "work" - it will be miserable for them both. In the mean time, you need not be an enabler (don't have sex with him) during this time. Let him hit rock bottom and don't help him manage anything. During the time that your husband is spiralling out of control, you will be changing and when decision time comes, you will be a transformed woman in Christ and not some used up drug! Don't manipulate anything. Walk away from your husband and work on yourself. I don't know what God will do for you, but more likely than not, He will be back, just allow God to do His work in you both. Allow God to change your husband. How cool to have a man begging at your feet as a changed man! I am jealous!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

to the last female anonymous... what you say gave me a lot of motivation, i realize that maybe i shouldnt expect to be with him in the future because of the terrible choices in the last few months but my heart will not leave him.I would love nothing more then to change into the person he fell in love with in the first place and spend the rest of my life with him. He is my heart outside of my kids. I have decided that he is going through something and nothing i can do will make this relationship end sooner so i just leave him alone so it can run its course. I pray to god that everyone is right and these relationships do have low sucess rates and his relationship doesnt work out in the end because then maybe we will have a shot at happiness with our family once again. Maybe that is gullible of me to believe, but i am a dreamer...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008):

Their relationship will absolutely not work out. My advice to you is seek Christ. You will not only feel the peace of His Spirit but your husband will become very attracted to your transformation. Once he returns you will then have an amazing new foundation to start your relationship. God won't bless that relationship. You have a lot of changes that you have to make about yourself. Your husband obviously misses you and is trying to keep that door open. Don't let him back until he leaves her and commits completely. This will happen. Be patient and don't compromise. You can have an even better relationship than ever. Typically these men always come back, just too late- after you have moved on! Read a lot of self help books and really concentrate on becoming a better woman for your children, yourself and your next relationship. I believe that even though these men leave their wives, their hearts will always be with their wife. She is the one who won his pure heart. She is the one who truly knows him. And she is the ome who he has respect for.

Good luck and God bless.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008):

To any woman going through hurt, i feel your pain. PLEASE be strong and repeat to yourself every morning. " I am a super woman yes i am, because even when i'm a mess , i still put on a vest with an "s" on my chest, O yes i am a super woman"...that is a song by Alicia Keys. PLEASE look after yourselves and BETTER your lives. I am so sorry for any pain you are in, i feel you.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (24 April 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntI admire your spirit and fortitude.

Thats the way you should handle life's problems.

Leave every thing to God and accept the will of God.

Things happened for a purpose and you will see the full picture when God reveals them to you.

In the meantime , just trust Him to do His work for you.

May God give you the strength, the understandings and the

wisdom to make your family whole again.

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (24 April 2008):

TELLULAH agony auntThen!! I wish you every happiness I really do. If my partner had wanted to go back to his wife, I would have let him go. Of course I would be upset and devastated (thats only natural if you fall in love) but I would understand. Its like I said "what's the point in being with a man that doesnt want you". You never think at the time that there are plenty more fish in the sea, but its true there are. I hope that love conquer's all, because I truly love my partner. As I'm sure that you love your husband.

Take care, hope all goes well.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I dont disagree with any of the points that have been made but i do know my heart. I have had 5 months to learn what it was telling me. I do love my husband and have faith that love CAN conquer all. Yes it would be a struggle to get past what he has done but wouldnt you do that for someone that you love? As for staying in a relationship for the other person...Im not making him stay in a relationship with me, he contacts me, he has had the chance to let me go and has chose not to. that has to tell me something, that perhaps he still loves me, misses me, i dont know but i suppose someday i will find out...perhaps it will turn out for the worst but i am trying to stay positive. After all, what harm will it do to try to win him back. A bit more of a challenge then some relationships but its worth the try for me

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (24 April 2008):

TELLULAH agony auntLooweez,

I think that you miss the point. Are you saying that just because a man or woman no longer love thier partner, that they should stay in an unhappy relationship, just to please the other person. Also, why! wouldnt you care about a person that you spent a lot of years with and had children. It is of the utmost importance that you try to stay on good terms for the childrens sake.

My partner did try to leave his wife before he was with me. But she would hold him to ransome, by threatening to commit suicide if he left her. She had been seeing a doctor for years, about her mental health, and had never improved. My partner did all he could to try and help, but eventually when your wife has mentally abused you (by shouting screaming and embarassing you in front of everyone) for years, something has to give. As it happens his wife is much happier without him now she has learned to cope. I really dont need to explain to you though (Looweez).

My point was to put another side on this, and to say that its very easy to just want your husband back to fill that gap, its natuaral!!. But if the relationship with his G/F breaks down and he wanted to come back to you, would you be really happy and able to cope with what he had done.

When my husband did that to me, all I could think about was how he had been having sex with another woman, and it all felt dirty when he came home and I couldnt forgive him. Now a lot of time has passed and I'm glad that he left when he did, on reflection he wasnt happy with me, so why would I have wanted a man to stay with me when he clearly didnt want too.

Statistics show all sorts of things, but there are always exceptions to the rules. Like!! A high persentage of men that return to thier wives, because they have no other option dont work out either. The wife cannot forget the betrayal and thier are more fights misery caused for all party's including the children. Hopes become high, especially for the kids when Dad returns, then more crying when dad goes again.

All I am trying to say, is that it should be what YOU want. He has had his chance at being happy, now its yours.

I really hope that whatever you decide to do works out for you. Never be bitter, because it eats away at you, and will ruin you life for years. I am speaking from experience.

Take care XX

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A female reader, bfly36 United States +, writes (24 April 2008):

bfly36 agony auntStatistically relationships that start as affairs hav e a 5% chance of working out, either he will leave her for someone or he will try to come back to you, there fore u have to decide if u wnat that or you want to be witha man that loves and respects you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008):

I think men and women get to a boiling point in a relationship when they feel they have exerted all effort and it falls on deaf ears. Then depression set in, then anxiety, then it is like a coffee fix, and if the problems aren't fix, a person risks the chance of a mental breakdown. We can't fix what is wrong at home, but we feel desperate to have the love we miss, and eventually, we break our rule of being faithful and find our fix with someone else ... all because both of our communication skills failed. We get caught up with everything and everyone but our spouse. Some call this for men: mid-life crisis. I'm in one now, but am still faithful, but see the marriage dead. She still clings but refuses to talk about emotional needs. I'm not sure, but I think this is the scenaro for this husband who has found someone else. The youth, I think, reminds him of what he once had with the wife. This is my own conclusion after much soul searching and asking myself why I do things or think things that I do. It is still a work in progress, and maybe in time, I will figure out what I eiher need to do to be happy in or out of the marriage or am able to convince her to listen and accept my feelings. I really think this is most of our problems, though they may look different or even feel different then I described.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008):

I think the midlife crisis issues are very real and they can happen to either gender. He may be young on the calendar years, but you & he got together pretty young. It sounds like he's in about the right position in life for some midlife crisis feelings to start hitting him.

Or he may just be wanting something different from your relationship aside from the midlife issues. He may just be at a point where he would be ready for a change in life aside from that.

Fifteen years is a long time to be in any relationship. Even when relationships don't break up by then, they have usually done some changing along with the people in them. Unfortunately sometimes people just grow in different directions over time, even though they were perfect for each other in the past. It's sad but sometimes this is what happens. I don't know if this is what's happening with him but it's a possibility. And you & his getting together and starting a family so young makes it a little more likely. It's just hard to know what you want from life & spouses when you're so young, even when everything feels right at the time.

Best of luck with it. And it's good that you're being understanding to him, but don't forget about your own self-respect. Being a total doormat for him won't help either one of you. Sooner or later you should demand some kind of decision from him one way or the other. You and your children deserve it.

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A female reader, louweez23 United Kingdom +, writes (23 April 2008):

louweez23 agony auntOh Dear.

I really do empathise with you as I seem to be in exactly the same situation.

Here's some insight.

Some men reach mid life and suddenly realise they're unfulfilled and go looking for something to fill the emptiness in their life.

Guys like that never find it becasue that something lies within them and their marriage. It isn't something missing, it's something that they're not doing and that is being responsible. It is entirely possible he feels unfulfilled within the marriage and that you are not fulfilling soemthing he needs (that doesn't mean your to blame but just tae a good long hard look at yourself and see if there is anything that you would liek to do less of or more of).

In answer to your question. No it is very likely that it won't work out. The statistics are soemthing like only 5% of men leave their wife for the other woman, and of those that do 75% split with their new partner within 4 years)

But if you aren't sweetness and light (like the new one probably is) then it's very possible he won't come back to you when it does break up.

With regard to the woman who suggests that her cheating man who left his ex-wife for her only gets in touch with his ex 'to see if she's OK' becasue he is 'caring'. Hahahahahahahhahha!

If he was that caring he wouldn't have cheated. Cheating is one of the most hurtful things you can possibly do. If he was that caring, he would have ended his first realtionship before starting another.

She won't believe me until she's in the same position in a couple of years time, but that is what a decent honourable person would do so her relationship won't last either, unles of course they both get relationship counselling early on as soon as things start to go wrong.

He's getting in touch with her because he misses her and really deep down still wants to be with her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008):

i think it is also important to specify that when i bring up divorce he says he hasnt taken any legal actions towards divorce because he can not afford it at this specific time, so we are still legally married in my eyes

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008):

If the relationship addresses each other needs, yes, they can work.

How do we address each others needs? With communication. After kids, our communication in the areas we need to discuss goes away.

I get the feeling he still loves you, and wishes it could be different. You may have felt neglected, but he surely did feel neglected that he left. I think both men and women may not beable to put there finger on a problem, but the anxiety tells them to run away. When things go bad, we start feeling uncomfortable being around the one that makes us feel that way. For what ever the reasons and cause, if we feel we can't change them, we run because we realize the effect the bad situation is having on us, and we fear if we sustain it for to long, that eventually we will be as such, that we could be kick to the side, stepped on, crushed. I believe these are the feelings that we may experience, not that it really happens.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

i thank everyone for their insights, i hear alot of "what goes around comes back around" and in this case it takes everything ive got not to hurt this young girl, She had no right in stepping in on my marriage but i also realize that it took the both of them..I'm not sure how a relationship that started so soon after he left his wife can be sucessful in the future(His annivarsary is the day after he left his family...) Dont get me wrong i am VERY angry with him for hurting me and my children but cannot shake the feelings of it will not last with them forever. Maybe i look bad for wanting to take him back after something so horrible but we have had a beautiful life together( as well as hard times as per any marriage) and we have a beautiful family who deserves a mother and a father.

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (23 April 2008):

TELLULAH agony auntHi,

It may not be that you would want to hear from me, as I am in the same position as your husbands present partner. Although I am not younger, than my boyfriends (still) wife, the situation is the same.

My boyfriend keeps close contact with his wife and has no intention of divorce, because he doesnt want to hurt her more. He feels constantly guilty about leaving, not her but his children, although they are grown up 21 and 18, he still feels that he failed them. He had a few affairs before me, but had never left her, although it was always on the cards.

I asked him a few times, if he would want to go back, as I am sure he still has feelings for her. He always tells me NO, and that he loves me but cares about her being OK. I can understand this because although both our partners, treated us really badly (this is why we got together), we are both caring people. And never wanted to hurt anybody, but we fell in love.

I have agonised many times if he will go back to her, but I know if he does, it just wasnt meant to be for him and me. I also know that it wont work for them, because she would never forgive him and they will argue over what happened eventually, and he will leave her again. I would never have him back if he did leave me, because I have my pride. And I wouldnt want to live, looking over my shoulder for the next time.

My ex husband left me for a younger girl years ago. We had two small children at the time and it hit me really hard, so I know how much it hurts. He did come back for two weeks, but I couldnt trust him and knew I could never forgive him for hurting me. I threw him out, and he went back to his girlfriend who he left for someone else a few years later.

I dont want to sound pesamistic (sorry if I spelt that wrong) but even if he does come back to you, are you sure that you could trust him. Dont put yourself through anymore hurt than you already have been.

Take care and I wish you well.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (23 April 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntWhat goes around, comes around.

He dumped you and she will dumped him for someone younger.

Her needs and demands from him would be too much for him to handle .

Their needs are incompatible.

Man are creatures of habit.

When he left you , he pines for those days with you .

He is talking to you to gauge your feelings.

It is a possibility that he wants to reconnect back with you again.

It would be up to you to lead him back into your Garden of Eden.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008):

Well they say that when a man moves in with/marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy. Karma will be calling on that relationship in the future without a doubt.

Seriously though, you have no control over whether he returns or not at this stage. Having gone through a breakup myself, I would say that you allow yourself time to grieve with your close friends and family who support you and try and be strong for the children. Ultimately you deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect and who is able to communicate if there are things in the relationship that are bothering him - not much to ask is it? I agree with one of the aunts below, give yourself a time limit to wonder if he will come back and after that direct your energy into making positive new experiences for you and your children and let yourself be amazed by your inner strength. Very very best of luck for the future.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008):

Hello. You are asking some very deep questions, to which there are equally deep answers. Most are not what they seem. If you would like to know more, message me. I will try to help.

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A male reader, Collaroy Australia +, writes (23 April 2008):

Collaroy agony auntHi there,

Sorry to see you going through this.

It sounds like your hubbie is going through an early mid life crises.

I guess the key thing in answering your question is that at some stage the excitement of hooking up with the young girl will rub off. At some stage he is going to reflect on his life and the issues of abandoning his family will start to weigh heavily on his shoulders. Whether this happens sooner or later is anybody's guess.

So I guess you have to ask yourself how long are you prepared to wait for him - months? years? It could be any period of time. But if he is a good man as you say I find it hard to believe that at some stage he won't want to be involved with his family again.

good luck.

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A female reader, IamLily India +, writes (23 April 2008):

IamLily agony auntThe relationship of your husband is purely temporary and out of sexual attraction towards the young mistress. I am sure this will not work out in future as the young lady will be soon bored of your OLD HUSBAND. And then he will beg to come back to you.

Just do not loose patience and keep communicating with your ex. If you want, you can win him back.

Recommended Readings for your husband (You may send m y email or print and send by post:

How to win Heart of your Wife:

http://www.howtowin.in/free-books/how-to-win-heart-of-your-wife/index.html

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A male reader, shikari424 United Kingdom +, writes (23 April 2008):

Do you really need to worry whether they do or not? He's scum.

Time for you to start strutting your stuff and find yourself someone new!

(And no, when he gets old, she'll probably trade him in too ;))

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