A
female
age
36-40,
*ookNerd
writes:Okay, So a few days ago my husband left and told me he wasn't coming home again via text. I tried so hard to give him space. I did send a few texts back to him and I never got a response. - Which is fair. The reason why he left is because i had maxed our our credit card and lied about it. (Its in another post). So (at 10:55) last night he sends me a message saying- went fishing today to clear my head, I will come over tomorrow so we can talk if you want to. I havent slept much at all. i feel like an emotional wreck. I havent been able to eat. I just dont how i feel about him coming over for a "talk". My chest has literally been hurting since he had texted me. I was soo distraught I even called my mum and my sister had to come stay with me and my kids.He even asked me if I could get the kids watched while he came over. I haven't been able to sleep of eat much since he left. Im so scared that our marriage is over, and this will be the D word talk. I seriously dont think my heart will be able to take it.I dont feel ready to talk. Ive been so emotional and distraught. But i know it needs to be done.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2017): I will start off by saying that no matter what mistake you made, your husband cannot use that as a bargaining chip for withdrawing further from the relationship. It seems like he is blackmailing you now after you have made a mistake "accept this that I will be living half my life away from you" NO....OH HELL NO.
If you have problems, you two need to spend all the more time together, in therapy and otherwise, working it out.
After reading your first post I do question if he is the man for you. He seems quite self-centered if what you say is true, that he always spends on his wants, and you seem to do a lot of sacrificing.
I would definitely do counselling with and without him, and also consider leaving him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2017): I want to second what female anon wrote; I was so proud of you to hear that you're angry! -You should be! I think it means you've turned a corner and that you're starting to recognise him for the abusive and controlling man that he is.
So thank goodness- because you SHOULD be livid! The last female anon nailed it when she described 'He had got you to the point of being an apologetic, quivering wreck when you dared to take your children to the cinema twice!!' Surely you can now see this for what it is now that you've had some time and some distance from him? It's ridiculous! How dare he blame you for paying the kids' school fees? -When he refused you access to your own money to pay these with; and when he's out buying cars and boats and bikes?! How dare he!
This man is never going to be 'normal'. Normal people don't treat the people they love like this. PLEASE tell your family about this financial control he's been holding over you. You need the ones that love you around you, and they need to know what they NEED to protect you from going back to.
Change the locks and keep people around you. And seek advice from a solicitor as soon as you can. Please put yourself and your kids' emotional safety first here, and don't ever let his control back into your lives.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2017): Oh thank God that you're feeling the anger because this means you are now seeing him for what he is and how appallingly he has treated you. He had got you to the point of being an apologetic, quivering wreck when you dared to take your children to the cinema twice!! How effed up is that??None of this is your fault. I believe he restricts your access to YOUR money, is that right? I read your previous post a little while ago and can't find it now. He is most definitely abusive and yes, please don't listen to someone suggesting you may be enjoying all this. They thankfully don't know what it's like to be in the grip of someone like this. I do and so do countless others. Please read up on abusive men and the fog and the confusion will clear because I believe you will see in the pages of these books other aspects of your husband's behaviour. I hope this knowledge will explain to you why he behaves how he behaves and this will empower you to see him for what he is. The scales will fall from your eyes. Then he will lose the power to hurt you. But watch out for more anger. I have been single now for three and a half years by choice, and I still have SO much anger that is now being released from being in three abusive relationships. Please read about abuse. It will help you enormously. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (22 January 2017):
 He wants to work on it, so tell him couples' counselling and financial advice are necessary. While he's working away, you can become more independent, in case he refuses therapy and financial advice or if you both try and it doesn't work out.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (22 January 2017):
 Dear Op
the problem with writing into a site like this is that all sorts or answers are going to be available to you ... even some really weird ones which appear to suggest you are liking the drama and find it all a tad juicy. Ignore that!
It sounds like your eldest sister knows what she is talking about .... so listen to her, and take her advise .... BREATH!
I am happy to read you did not allow your husband to bully you, good for you!
Have you told your family about the original problem, the credit cards and his spending habits as compared to yours? Its possible they already were aware things were not going well for you but may not have wanted to say anything if you seemed okay with everything.
If your husband is adamant about the FIFO job then my advise is that you tell him go FIFO but he needs to find somewhere else to stay when he returns to your city. Those jobs can be very tough on relationships, especially when the marriage is already a bit rocky.
Your anger is normal for women in your situation, as is the deep searing grief that is coming, so continue to talk to your family, talk to friends and if you need to come back here and talk to us, I'm sending all the positive vibes (and white light) I can.
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A
female
reader, BookNerd +, writes (22 January 2017):
BookNerd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe came home apologised and said he wanted to work things out and then told me he is interested in working away. 7 days on and 7 days off in another city. I listened and told him i have nothing to say and asked him to leave again. Right now i just feel crazy angry. I cant explain it. Crazy angry like i want to push his bike out of the garage and down the street with the keys in it. Burn his clothes on the front lawn. Ive switched off my phone. My Mum, sisters and step dad are very supportive. I've asked them all not to say anything to my brother. He is 3 years younger and very over protective. (Which is ridiculous).I had deleted all social media accounts. But my eldest sister told me that, i wouldnt be helping my self if i start withdrawing from my friends and family and that i need to talk and not feel ashamed about anything.My eldest sister has had 2 rough break ups and suffers from aniexty and depression. She has been my hardest rock. Heating up hot water bottles, pushing me to eat, drink, cooking meals and telling me to shower. Ive never felt so helpless. She has told me to breathe and have faith so many times ive lost track.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (22 January 2017):
Dear OP
from one Aussie Battler to another, read Ciar's post carefully, for she speaks a lot of sense, and truth.
Sending positive thoughts and vibes your way ....
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (22 January 2017):
 I don't want to fill you with false hope, but I don't get the sense he's looking for a divorce. If he'd made up his mind, there would be no need for him to discuss anything.
It looks to me that he is deliberately keeping you on edge, providing you with few details to keep you guessing, and imagining the worst to give himself the upper hand. The plan is he'll come back and you'll be so relieved thinking you've dodged a bullet that you'll agree to whatever terms he gives you.
I recall seeing your previous post, and agree with the other aunts' assessment of him as a bully.
Perhaps you could send him an email or a text saying this has all been very painful, that you have some thinking to do and you're just not ready for a conversation. Keep it brief, do not volunteer anything more than that. Let HIM do the wondering and worrying for a change.
Right now you are very vulnerable (spiritually and psychologically) so it is very important to surround yourself with friends and family, people who love and care about you, and who can be strong for you.
Speak to the police and an attorney about the possibility of keeping him out of the house. Just find out what your rights are. You don't have to commit to anything and don't tell him what you're doing.
Now, for the day to day, cut back on the caffeine, drink lots of water, light stretching and breathing exercises. Find some quiet time and space for yourself, even if it's only 10-15 minutes. There is a silver lining to almost everything so imagine 3 benefits of not having him around. Again, you're not committing to anything here, just imagining. This will help you still the fears and see the bigger picture so you're not so much at his mercy.
Have faith. You're not alone. Know that many women have already gone through or are going through the same thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2017): I am really sorry BUT if a man LOVES his wife, he would be willing to work through ANYTHING... even something as BAD as this! He would find it in his heart to forgive you, especially if you are TRULY SORRY and promise him you will change your ways. Write out a plan on how you intend to do that. Tell him what steps you intend to take to help reverse this situation or make it better. Whatever you have to do. And ask him to forgive you and give you another chance never to betray his trust again. Everybody deserves a second chance, especially if they very remorseful. I maxed out credit cards like crazy. I did so many stupid things. My husband called me Lucy from I love Lucy. But he always forgave me. He was so angry at me but in his heart he loved me more. And there was more love than anger. True love conquers all. Maybe it seems ideal, but I believe it. His heart would not want to let you go. Perhaps anger is taking him over right now. But when he cools down and has a chance to step away, he might possibly realize that even though you made a mistake, he still wants you in his life.If he loved you, he would be willing to forgive you.Have there been other issues in your marriage? Was this the straw that broke the camel's back? What else has been going on?Be prepared to fight for him if you want to keep your marriage. Show him true remorse. Tell him that your marriage and children mean the world. And that you would never want to lose that. And that you wish you could take back what you did. Perhaps even offer to get help. You may have a spending habit. I think counselling would be a good start. Tell him you would do that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2017): if you can afford it then get a good divorce attorney and communicate initially using the attorney.
Tell him it is not convenient to discuss it right now.
Don't tell him that you will use a good attorney.
But do consider it.
No doubt your husband is seeking to set things up entirely to his own advantage and wants to put you in a less advantaged position. A good attorney will see through all the tricks and manipulations that your husband is likely to try.
Do not play his games. His rules are too toxic. Have you changed the locks to your home? You should.
Be careful too about him trying to use the children to hurt you. Do not trust him at this stage. His words were to lull you into a false sense that he is suffering. I would not believe a word he has to say.
You will be surprised how much pressure will be lifted from your shoulders if the attorney does all the talking on your behalf. They know a manipulator when they come across one.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (22 January 2017):
I read your previous post, your husband is a bully, an abusive bully.
If you don't want to see him today then don't see him. Pack up the kids and go to your mother's or sister's for the day, so that you have a chance to gather your thoughts.
It would also be a good idea to start listing bank accounts and assets in case you need that information sometime down the track.
Has your family given any input to the current situation? Are they being supportive?
You need to think very carefully about how you want your life to be, from my perspective there needs to be a major overhaul of how your household finances are managed, and there needs to be shared decision making and he needs to be made aware of how much necessities for children actually cost. Check out financial counsellors and suggest you both attend (he wont like that because it will mean losing control)
I agree with "Andie's Thoughts" write down things you want to say next time you see him, don't let him bully or brow beat you.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 January 2017):
After reading your previous post, I believe he's not good for you and you should be the one pushing for a divorce, if he refuses therapy.
You had your children when you were a child yourself (17ish and 19ish), so you have almost no adult life experience except motherhood and have been stuck relying on him, someone you may not even have been with for this long, had it not been for your children.
Personally, I think you need to prepare to be a single mother (even if he does agree to couples' counselling) - learn about finances, get family support, get counselling for yourself and avoid lying to your children, as they're old enough to catch on and you don't want to be seen by them as the bad guy for treating them like babies; they're at an age where they can understand what's happening.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 January 2017):
Prior to his visit, write things down that you want to say and don't ramble. It will be emotional, but try not to get hysterical, or it'll push him further away.
I didn't get to read your previous post properly, but the responses seemed to be suggesting it's a joint problem - which means the only way to try to save the marriage is for couples' counselling and probably financial advice to keep credit cards away from one or both of you.
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