A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a bit confused as to how co-parenting works when a man has a child with his ex. My husband and I have two children together. He helps organize our daughter's uniform before he leaves on mornings. Then he would leave early to assist his ex organize their daughter for school so that she can get ready for work. So I am left with our two children to organize for school and day care, while he leaves me and comes back in time for me to go to work as he drops our youngest in day care. Our first daughter is older than my step-daughter and our daughter was born before we got married. We were broken up for sometime, over me being depressed. He got involved in a sexual relationship and then the woman got pregnant. Around the time she found out she was pregnant, we got back together and we got married three months later. She never told him that she was pregnant until after we were married. I never considered our marriage rushed as we were in a relationship for years and even got engaged. But I was going through a rough patch in my life and I distanced myself from him. During our break up period, he used to claim that he still love me, although this man was in a sexual relationship. After I started to feel better, we started talking about getting back together and we did...we have been together for 7 years prior and we just decided it was time to commit ourselves to each other. So now, after being married for three years, we had another daughter. I always hear people say, home first. If I was in his ex's position, I was not going to call out a married man early in the morning to help me with our one child. That is just me. But I feel uncomfortable with him leaving us, to go home by her...had I known she was pregnant for him before we got married, I don't think that I would have gotten married to him. But what do you all think? Should he leave us to go by her? As I said, if I was a single mom, I would have done it myself and I know it is also his choice was well...but how to treat with a situation like that???
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female
reader, KeW  +, writes (19 July 2019):
 Hello OP,I sympathise with your confusion/frustration. I do think you may have rushed into marriage before fixing what caused the break up. Had you waited longer, you would have found out about her pregnancy. If you probably wouldn’t have married him knowing what he’d done, then it’s possible you shouldn’t stay married to him now - especially with this issue. He does need to help out with his other child, but that doesn’t mean every morning. He still owes their child the same amount of time and devotion as he owes yours, though.Perhaps it’s worth going to court for joint or full custody and a paternity test can be included in that. Please do NOT trick the daughter into giving you her DNA, as Anon has advised; it is not right. She is a child, not a criminal.If you are going to stay with your husband, you need to consider his daughter ¼ yours, since she’s ½ his. That means including her in things with her sisters, your daughters. “Baby mama drama” is often worsened by a real or perceived imbalance of parenting (him and your daughters vs him and their daughter) and vying for that attention. I’d strongly advise having it all set out legally because this isn’t working.Best of luck, OP.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2019): Go to court and ask for a paternity test and she can't keep her from him if there is court ordered visitation. If you wanted to swab with out her knowing do the swab then quickly give her a lollipop or sucker then the girl will just say you stuck one of those in her mouth. Either way if you go to court he could legally get to see her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2019): He should do the test.Who cares what the mother thinks.If it turns out the child is his he can go to court and get visitation or even full custody.She can not keep him from his child that way as she can be arrested.But...I think this is not his child by the way she is acting about the test.Do the test the very next time he has her so then finally you will know the truth.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2019): I believe that your husband is having sex in both homes. I doubt that it ever ended, even after marriage. If the other woman is as unstable as she sounds, and she is stalling on the paternity test, and has now quit her job, having no visible means of support, in order to do the truly noble thing for the other child, your husband should involve the state officials, gain a court order to establish paternity, and seek a court order to remove the child from her unstable home and take full custody of that daughter, into your home! That would be best for all the sisters, and it would certainly be what is best for your strained relationship. If paternity is not established to your husband, he should end all contact with the other woman, and block her phone number and from all his and your social media! You husband belongs with you, his wife! He should not be at another womans home in early morning, with her in night clothes or changing clothes. He has no business around nudity or partial nudity, unless it is you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2019): Why would i want him to neglect her? When did I say that I want him to neglect her? I did it before we got married. And there are many single mothers who does it. That doesn't mean that the fathers are neglecting their children?!I never used to request for him to come and help me organize my first daughter... so by that logic, he was neglecting our first then?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2019): One other thing, when we just got married and she kept calling all hours of the night and early hours of the morning, my husband spoke to her about it. She didn't care, she continued. One early morning, just a few minutes after 12am, we were sleeping, and I woke up to his phone ringing. I decided to answer and confronted her and asked her if she can't have some respect for our marriage. She told me no, she loves him...she always has.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2019): @WiseOwl, thanks for your response. Yes he is fully aware of the sensitivities of this situation and how it affects our marriage. "He can't just ignore his other daughter just to make you comfortable." I totally agree that he can't neglect her."You didn't mention whether the other woman causes you any baby-mama drama." OMG!!! This woman is very troubled. There is so much drama going on. At present, she says that she doesn't want him, but her actions speaks much louder than her words. Before my husband and I met, they both were friends. My husband used to work and study part-time and he used to assist her and her brother in whatever way that he can since they came from a poor home (they lived in the same area and her brother was his good friend). Whatever situations she faced, she used to confide in him: he is a great listener. He claimed he never wanted a relationship with her and that he just considered her to be his friend; but she wanted more. Fast forward to our break up, she herself had just broken up with her bf at the time. Her brother who is a friend of the family mentioned how she stated her ex was the father of her child but then she changed her story saying it is my husband. She disrespected me on many occasions. When she was pregnant, she used to call him all hours of the morning. We would be sleeping and his phone would be ringing off the hook. She used to make any excuse to talk to him. If she had to tell him the sky is blue, she would call to say just that. It wasn't that she was having any complications or anything. After the child was born, my husband told her that he wants to do a paternity test. She confidently stated whenever he was ready, she would be most willing to go but, she must be there. To this day, he hasn't done it. She always delayed when the child was younger and it was only once she left her in his care as a baby. That day she left the child with him, his phone was off and she couldn't reach him so she placed the little baby girl on the pavement outside his business place. Now that their little girl it at an age where she can speak and express herself very well, every time she comes by us, her mother basically interrogates her. I would always tell him the test should be done because the child needs and deserves to know who her biological father really is. But, her mother stated if her child only tells her that he placed anything in her mouth hinting to her that he tried to do the paternity test, she will not let him see her, even if she is his, and she knows that she is. So, he's just hoping that they would soon go and do the test because he himself knows how hurtful it is to think someone is your father only to later find out it is someone else. He's hoping that they get to do it before the end of the year.Now, my husband would financially do his part, but this woman would get paid, and she would purposely not buy any food items, and withdraw any funds for her to travel. So although she gets paid today, she might tell him she has no money to go to work and ask him to bring money for her to travel. Even if he gives her money for the week and she gets paid on top of that, she would prefer to not buy any groceries and call him to say they have nothing to eat so he can come by her. There is a grocery store opposite her taxi stand, but she would just go home and then call and say they have nothing home to eat. He knows that she purposely does that, but as any loving parent, they would not want to know their child is hungry. I could go on and on with her chaotic mentality.Today, she has a baby for another man and she wants my husband to keep their daughter because she said she cannot handle having two children. She doesn't live with her son's father...I am not sure if she is even in a relationship with him. She lives with her father and his wife as well as her other siblings. Recently there was a fight with one of her siblings and her daughter (her mother was watching them) while she went to work. Yesterday she told my husband that she quit her job so she can stay home to take care of her children. So he needs to solely take care of his daughter. I asked him if she expects him to take care of her financially as well. Because she has financial obligations such as items she took out on hire purchase. He is currently feeling like he has the world on his shoulders and he is tired of her behavior. As for me, I just don't know how to feel about this new revelation about her quitting her job.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2019): @BrownWolf. Hi and thanks for your response. I am glad you feel that way. Before we got married, I used to organize our daughter for daycare and then preschool. He never used to be there to help and I never really saw the need for him to be there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2019): He's bonding and showing care for his other daughter; which you should see as your daughter too, at-least your step-daughter. Your daughters are all sisters; so it's not just "her" child...he is the biological-father of all the girls.
You are uncomfortable about the mother; but what about the innocent girl? I know for women this is a difficult thing to deal with; because they always assume men can't control themselves sexually. There was an unfortunate separation at some point in your relationship. Imagine if he just decided to choose the other woman; as he did have that option. He loves YOU! He made YOU his wife!
He is aware of your discomfort, and he is fully aware of the sensitivities of this complicated-situation; and how it affects his marriage, and family. He can't just ignore his other daughter just to make you comfortable. That would be unspeakable and irresponsible. He loves her as much as he loves his other daughters; and he's teaching them to recognize each other as sisters.
I don't really think losing you again is an option; and marrying you was making sure of that.
In a cold and indifferent world, connecting and blending families is a good thing. He has a financial and moral-obligation to show all his daughters love; and to be a good father to all of them.
You are his wife. He took vows with you, and he honors you as his partner for life. Your discomfort is human and fully understandable. He's alone with another woman that he was once intimate with. However, his daughter is always present; and she benefits from his care, and being there for her. She knows his love.
You bore him two beautiful daughters, and he takes responsibility for the three children he brought into this world. It's rare. You didn't mention whether the other woman causes you any baby-mama drama. Only that you're uncomfortable about his going to help get his other daughter off to school. He'a co-parenting, and that doesn't mean anything is going-on between him and the other female.
He married you, and legitimized his family; something many men won't do. I would say he loves you and his daughters very much. Try and see things in a positive-light; and don't let jealousy, suspicion, or insecurity darken his motives and intentions. If your daughter doesn't mind taking care of her younger sister; why should you object? As a father, he has equal responsible among all three of the girls.
It may take time to adjust, but try to see his other daughter as a sister to your daughters; and learn to love that part of her that connects with him. Love should clear all this up.
The other woman was incidental, and no-one had any-way of knowing that you both would allow love to triumph over everything that made you separate; and ultimately, you'd become husband and wife. I would call that a happy ending. The woman withheld the truth about his child, until "after" you were married.
It would seem to me that she has no intention of destroying your marriage, or your family. She is looking-out for the best interest of her daughter; and as a mom yourself, you should fully understand that. He is man-enough to step-up and be a father to all his children.
She is the mother of one of his daughters; but you are his wife, and the mother of his first and last-born. That is written in stone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2019): Sounds like your husband is very responsible. He puts out uniforms at your house, fulfills responsibility with his other child, and comes home in time to let you get to work. Would you want to be with the kind of man who abandons a single mother with his child? The other child is as much his as your two children together. Why do you want him to neglect her?
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (16 July 2019):
 Hi There,
Very interesting situation. However, as husband and wife goes...YOUR husband must look after his house hold first before anyone elses. He must make sure his kids are looked after, on their way to school, and to help you out as needed. Yes he has another child with his ex, and yes, he wants to be there for that child as well...Credit to him for that.
Nonetheless...His duty is to his WIFE first...No exceptions.
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