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female
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Tisha
writes: My husband and I have been married 22 yrs. But, we have known each other since I was 13 and he was 15.We started having less and less sex about 2 yrs. ago. He was having problems keeping an erection. About 4 months ago he had to have a triple by-pass. So therefore we have had no sex since.The problem is that my husband is not an affectionate person never really has been. I just kept thinking he would change. I'm 43 and feeling less and less attractive as I'm getting older. (Although I still get lots of compliments from other men).The only time I get any contact from my husband is a kiss good-bye when he leaves for work. No touching hugging or anything! I feel so un-loved I hate to think I have to spend the rest of my life like this.I don't think he knows how much I hurt, even though I've told him over and over. It's not really just the sex of it I would settle for holding, cuddling anything at this stage. What can I do? Thanks for any advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): I hate to say this, but people don't change. I married a man who is not very affectionate-never has been. If affection is how you interpret love; then you will never truly be happy. It's time to move on, he will never change who he is, no matter how much he loves you. And you will never be able to feel loved with a man like this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): I was able to convince my husband to see a urologist after about 5 years of no affection/limited sex. He was found to have low testosterone levels and now gets a shot twice a month. It does seem to help a little, I can tell when he's gotten his shot and when he needs to go get it. But still, the "non-sexual" affection is lacking - he's more interested in playing softball, watching tv, working his job (which he loves), anything else than working on making his wife feel loved and fulfilled in the marriage. In the bible it says that men are to love their wives and women are to respect their husbands. This is the basic truth about how marriage is to work. When both partners are doing what their supposed to - it does feel like a great marriage. I think husbands feel disrespected at times and therefore withold the love part, and vice versa. It shouldn't be that way, but I think since we are all basically sinful people that is just the way it is. We have to fight against that and do what's right by our partner for it to work properly.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007): Like most of you, I can definitely relate....I just turned 30 and my husband is 34. We have 3 kids (ages 5yrs, 3yrs and 9 months). My husband is very unaffectionate...at least some of you kiss goodbye...we don't do that...the only time he really notices me is when he wants his sexual needs met and after that, It's like I don't exist again...I"m seriously thinking about leaving him because I'm miserable and I don't won't to spend the rest of my life this way...I'm married and lonely...If I'm going to be lonely, I'm going to be by myself...My kids are the only reason I'm still here...Oh, did I mention, I'm not allowed to call him affectionate names like honey, sweetie or baby...It is really depressing...He can't even tell me "happy birthday or happy anniversary" on those dates...I just celebrated my 30th birthday (a huge milestone) and he deemed it just another day.. We will be married 6 years in February...We should still be in honeymoon mode..I'm beginning to think that if it's already cold like this at 6 years, it can only get worse...we went to counselling at our church on yesterday, but nothing was really resolved because he doesn't seem willing...as far as he's concerned, there's nothing wrong with him...to the person who is about to get married...be very sure before you go through with this...because if I could go back and rethink the decision after seeing this,I would have definitely remained single....The kids have been the only great thing to come out of this...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): I just had a baby w a dude just like that!! He was affectionate before my pregnancy (I was the aggressor:) but throughout my pregnancy through now it's been a done deal - baby's 4 months+ old now!! My advice to anyone in this situation: RUN!!! I've NEVER been the touchy feely kind but now that I have none, it's dredful. RUN YOU RUN FAST!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): Hello Tish,
I am 44 years, and I know exactly how you feel. My husband is the same. He does not know how to show or give any affection like cuddling, hugging etc. They say that it all stems back to their childhood upbringing.
I also love to just cuddle, hug, kiss, and not always have sex.
My advice is as long as you can give it to him don't expect it in return. Just be happy that you can give. This should just make you happy in itself.
Live your own life to make yourself happy. Do other things that make you happy inside and don't focus so much on what you want or expect of him in return. Do you have any hobbies or interests ? Join a social club or group. You will never get affection from him and you will always make yourself unahappy if you keep trying. Men never change. Women are the ones who can and have to change and are more able to adapt than men.
I am sure that he loves you, but he may show it in other ways, but you may not see it or you are not aware of it. However, this may not be the way you want it to be, but there is nothing you can do about it. He is the way he is and so be it. YOU CAN CHANGE !
You could suggst to him that he sees a local doctor about his erection problem.
Good Luck in whatever you do. Keep your chin-up and keep smiling.
Cheers
Marie
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2007): I have the same problem, I have being married for the last 17 years and feel like we are more like brother and sister.There is no affection or closeness in my life, the nearest i get to a cuddle is from the children, it makes me so down and depressed.It doesnt matter if i make a effort or not he never notices. I have tried changing my hairstyle and having extensions ,got plenty of attension on going out but nothing from my husband. I have tried to wear sexier clothing and loose weight but there is nothing there. Last time he came home i even said that i was going to move out ,but i love my children too much ang couldnt put them through that.So if you have got any ideas please pass them on. from another desperate wife
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007): Tisha,
You're not alone! I used to have the same problem with my husband. I was actually talking to his brothers wife and they told me about something caled Monavie, which they were taking. It's a antioxidant juice blend from the amazons centering around the acai berry. If you look into the life of the native Amazonians, they have children well into their 50's 60's and 70's due to their diet. It's basically very high antioxidants. It's helped my husband with his "little" problem and it's also helped with me with a world of problems (not asociated). I would check into it if I was you. Good luck!
Cristina
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female
reader, chav123 +, writes (9 December 2005):
Why don,t you tell him how you are feeling and just sit down and talk about your relastionship and ask is are relastionship going any where just tell him how you feel hope everything goes well good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2005): I have been married for 11years...we had an awesome sex life BEFORE we got married. On our wedding night, he was not "in the mood"! I cried and cried! We did not consumate our vows until a week after and that was only after I asked for an annullment! Which is probably what I should have done! For 11years I have lived with a man who is only affectionate when he wants to have sex which is normally once a month or once every 2 months!! I thought I would never be unfaithfull in my marriage, but I did stray. The other man made me feel so beautiful and alive again. (I don't care who you are if you are not getting what you need at home, it begins to wear on you...you begin to feel worn out and drained!) I feel bad and broke it off with the gentleman but seperated from my husband for 6months, our daughter(9 year old) said I seemed happier but she missed her father. I had moved out of state to get away from it all..to clear my head and re-assess. I missed my husband too, I do love him, he is a good man but the affection that I craved I knew he couldn't give me. He promised that he would do better. We got back together and for 2 months the lovin' was strong, after that we're back to the same 'ol, same'ol! I am 37 years old and I get hit on all the time, it is so hard. I will not leave again for my daughter sake she just turned 10 so I can hang in there for another 8 years. After I get her off the college, I'll will be free to do what I want.Every one talks about women not wanting sex from their husbands, what about when it's the other way around?No one really talks about that...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2005): My husband is sorta the selfish kind.We go a whole month without sex.I mean no cuddleing nor a kiss every now and then.I do feel like there is no love there.We have been married for 13years.I wish i knew what his problem is.This is not really a answer to this question but I just wanted to say that I to feel as though my husband isn't affectionate.He only wants what he wants.He doesn't think about me.It's really hard to wanna please your husband when there hasn't been any affection.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (5 November 2005):
 If your husband has fully recovered from his surgery then he may want to talk to his doctor to get a prescription for Viagra (there are others as well). Once he feels comfortable knowing he can keep his erection he will feel more inclined to have sex. You just need to get the ball rolling by telling him how you feel. Get some sexy lingerie! Slip him the tongue on that goodbye kiss! You have the opportunity to RECREATE your sex life and really start having fun. Talk to him today!
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female
reader, Mirabell +, writes (5 November 2005):
 There are many reasons a man would act this way. He could be unfaithful. In addition, if you met him and when you were on birth control and now currently are not, (or vice versa) it could be a result of hormone problems. Studies have shown that birth control can interfere with mate selection.(Singh) If you know that's not true, there is only one plan of action. YOU MUST BE HIM. Whenever you want him to do something, instead of being upset that he didn't do it and becoming resentful, you do what you want him to do to you . . .to him. Humans came from monkeys, they learn by mimcry. It will be hard to change a man, but if you do it consistently and patiently he may start to feel comfortable enough to reciprocate. And he will learn to appreciate it and realize how it brightens his day.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2005): I'm 33 and I've always been considered to be a "hottie" by men (although I just think I'm ok)...
Your question caught my attention as I'm doing research on sexual problems.
I'm soon going to be engaged to the most wonderful caring and GENTLE man. The catch? He seems full of inhibitions and doesn't really want sex all that much and he's only 39. He blames it on his age but I know better. I've been around the block.
Your description of your husband sounds a lot like my boyfriend.
I've asked my boyfriend if he still thinks I'm gorgeous (we've known each other for about a year and a half and he used to say this a lot when he first met me).
I thought that one of the reasons a normal man would lose interest in his loved one would be that he finds her unattractive or that she is just not pleasant company, right?
Well, he says he adores my company and he's still crazy about my body. And I know he enjoys my company because we really do get along great.
As a matter of fact, it's starting to feel like he's my brother.
I don't know what to do. I wish someone could help us.
Have you asked your husband if he still finds you attractive?
Going to a sex therapist is out of the question because it's not in our budget. Plus, how do you even find a good one? If I ever decided to see one, it would definitely HAVE to be a man.
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female
reader, beenthere +, writes (4 November 2005):
ask him how he feels. he may not feel like sex after a bypass but there's no reason not to have cuddles. a kiss goodby is a good start. i'm only 25, been with my partner for 2 years,he rarely does that any more but i keep telling him i want him to and it has started to work. when he kisses you goodbye, give him a cuddle too. don't wait for him to do it. if he's never been affectionate like this then you know it's not because he finds you unattractive. tell him you love him and see if he says it back. talk to him. ask him how he feels and if he still finds you attractive. he'll probably say yes so just tell him you need him to show it. he might not know how. men need to be told what to do in most situations.
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