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My husband just isn't affectionate. No cuddles, no sex... I feel so unloved!

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Question - (4 November 2005) 39 Answers - (Newest, 21 May 2012)
A female , *isha writes:

My husband and I have been married 22 yrs. But, we have known each other since I was 13 and he was 15.

We started having less and less sex about 2 yrs. ago. He was having problems keeping an erection.

About 4 months ago he had to have a triple by-pass. So therefore we have had no sex since.

The problem is that my husband is not an affectionate person never really has been. I just kept thinking he would change. I'm 43 and feeling less and less attractive as I'm getting older. (Although I still get lots of compliments from other men).

The only time I get any contact from my husband is a kiss good-bye when he leaves for work. No touching hugging or anything! I feel so un-loved I hate to think I have to spend the rest of my life like this.

I don't think he knows how much I hurt, even though I've told him over and over. It's not really just the sex of it I would settle for holding, cuddling anything at this stage. What can I do? Thanks for any advice.

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A female reader, 2ndtime United States +, writes (21 May 2012):

It is very saddening to hear so many of us women with the same problem and we all put up with these issues.

I have been married for a 11. The first year my husband and I lived apart and visited each other once a month for a week at a time. These trips were filled with love, fun, sex, communication, excitement. On one of my visits I found out he was keeping in touch with his ex and she was sending him money.

He stopped it and cut off contact finally. Why did it take me pitching a fit for you to do something you should've known to do in the beginning. Things got better and he was finally able to move here. The a lady from his past he searched for and found on facebook and asked her to be a friend. This pissed me off and he finally asked me to defriend her. Whenever we get in a fight, he looks for her on facebook.

This isn't the biggest issue. The biggest issue is that he isn't that affectionate. He used to say I love you, I miss you, You're so beautiful. Now that we are living together he says he isn't use to saying it all of the time and he isn't use to walking me to the door, he's not use to doing those things.

I have two daughters and he flies off at the weirdest things. If they laugh or talk and say thing he cannot hear, he feels they are talking about him and gets pissed off and says he has never been around children like this, or he wants to have no part of them.

When he's mad he can say whatever he wants but if I voice my opinion then I am arguing and won't let their be peace in the house. It's very one-sided and only his opinion matters. He says he wants me to always talk and say how I feel but this just isn't true. When I do speak, I get downed.

These still aren't the bad things.

We have sex when he wants, regardless to if I want it. We eat out when he wants, we go places when he wants, we are happy when he wants us to be, we argue when he wants us to argue.

It isn't the life I imagined. I left my first husband for drug and alcohol addiction and I didn't want to raise my two daughters in that kind of environment. What am I subjecting them to now? A man who is moody, controlling, selfish, not affectionate, etc.

At least my first husband loved me, he cared for me. he just had some issues that he wouldn't get help for. Now I am with a man that loves me when he wants, shows love, attention, affection when he wants, a man who says he wants a woman who can think for herself but when she does, he's mad and threatening to leave.

I could go on and on about my unhappiness. I am sure you are thinking leave but here's the catch. I am a Christian and my father is a pastor. I went against my family and my teachings to be with this man and now that it is getting so bad, I don't know if I can keep faking it in front of people.

I want to be happy all of the time, not pretending in front of family, friends, my daughters, co workers, etc. I just want to be loved and for it not to be a big deal to be shown. Instead of an issue everytime I ask for attention.

Women, why is is so hard to just be happy and loved. I am at my wits end.

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A female reader, 2nd time around United States +, writes (28 December 2010):

reading everyones answers i have come to a realization that im just being dumb for staying unhappy....

This is my 2nd marriage & I knew this one was going to be a very different person but i know that there are better lovers out there i know that other guys are very affectionate loving tentative and attracted to me....

i left the 1st one for drug issues now i am thinking of leaving the 2nd for love issues....

I can not figure out why so many (including myself) stay when we feel depressed and unloved - we should NEVER settle life is to short to precious and there is way to much & to many good in the world!

I have cancer so for me i know a big part is i am afraid to be alone - everyday i dont know whats going to happen in my health - BUT why do i want to die with someone that doesnt make me feel like im wonderful beautiful & he would want to touch... i cry because at least if i had stayted with my ex-hubby i knew he loved me i knew he wanted me sick healthy anytime he took care of me comfort me when i would throw up - this hubby lays in bed & just ignores me - my own kids hear me & worry but not the man that is suppose to love and care for me...

we lay in bed watching tv show "hung" - which is almost a soft porn & he never touches me....3 hrs later he rubs my head see if i am awake -

WHATEVER i am really almost over this entire relationship!

he blamed my emotions & outbursts on drinking (cause drinking once a week can alter my feelings - I said nope they just made me speak my mind & heart more loudly) but i gave up any and ALL drinking - even when offered to have a sip/taste of a friends new wine i declined and its been a month i still am NOT happy - my feelings have NOT changed & again last night i had an outburst of anger towards his lack of affection...

right now i am just wondering.....wheres my line...when will i cross it and leave???

i dont want my heart to hurt anymore - my body hurts enough from the cancer

i need a support group.....like i have with my cancer

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A female reader, Jubu United States +, writes (19 November 2010):

I am 31 years old with 2 small kids,our sex life is ok when we get around to it because of the kids but, my problem is that my husband gives me no affection, i've never recieved any compliment from him about anything, the last time he told me that i looked nice he ended the sentence with'i don't want those guys to say it before me' which is what happend the last time. When i tell him how i feel the next day its like he force his self to ask me how am i doing.I am only 31 his is the only guy i've been with i feel like im missing out on alot. Dont get me wrong he is a greate father and provider but, i feel sooo lonley and i dont know what to do, is that it for me? I agree with one of the writers who said that it might me genetics because his mother is the same way...no affection what so ever.

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A female reader, carolme Kenya +, writes (12 November 2010):

Am responding to tisha's story,

i am in the same predicament am turning 40 next month and my does not seem to notice even when i change my hair style. I have 3 kids and my body is going back to what it used to be. I feel so sexy and alive. i feel sixteen coz am thro having kids and i get alot of men who admire me. i feel frustrated because even when i try to spice up our sex lives he is not enthusiastic at all. Please dont give up try talking to him and also do other things you enjoy. Meet up with friends women your age and people who are ambitious in life because you have to keep busy to avoid temptations. It also helps to have someone to talk to to let out that stress because it can be bad for your health. Above all pray for him and surprise him once in a while. let us be positive things will change. Right now it is hard for me also but i believe all will be well

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2010):

As a male I think it may be good to give a different perspective. My partner is a professional nurse with a good education and a very professional and succesful career. I am an engineer with my own successful business.

During the first two years of our releationship we had a tremendous affectionate an sexlife. The last 12 months however things have gradually deteriorated; when I see how my partner currently treats my ways of showing and telling how much I love her, what I do to make her household doable, including tending the garden, doing the household, ironing and cooking, I feel things to be very different from before. In all honesty, I have come to have to admit to myself that I have to look at her mother -whom I love but who herself is unable to give or receive warmth- to see why my partner is the way she is. Someone here said it may be genetics, I am convinced that this is sure a major "reason". When you have a partner, look at his father to see how he will be when your partner grows old and have a look at his mother to see what he will look for in a partner. And look at the way his father treats his mother to see how he will treat you. And the same applies, I believe, to female partners.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010):

Oh, what? No affection? That’s a DEAL BREAKER. I would say, honey I love you and I’m concerned about your lack of affection. If I wanted to live with my brother or cousin, I would have never got married. I want to give this relationship a chance to succeed. Will you consider counseling?

Or

Iif he won’t say that you deserve someone that that’s as excited about you as you are about them. It’s not fair to you or to him to continue in a sexless/affectionless relationship. Goodbye.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010):

I was searching for these answers myself.

Maybe living longer like we do now is to blame? "in 1796, life expectancy hovered around 24 years."

The 16th, 17th, and 18th centuries life expectancy was around 35 to 40 years.

I bet women didn't have that problem back then, there wasn't enough time!

I think maybe life changes is throwing us for a curve ball.

Maybe investigate human behavior to figure out what you can do to improve your life?

I have a feeling that women must take it upon themselves to make changes and if the man follows our lead - which seems to be maybe what they are waiting for, but dont know it yet? - changes will come.

Try the "Love Dare" book!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010):

Ive been with my boyfriend almost 2years. He asked me to marry him. Im holding off on any actual ball and chain commitments. Right now our sex life is barely there. Before we actually hooked up he knew because i tokd him that my ex husband was very mentally and emotionally not there, abusive and didnt show me anything. He knew i wanted love, affection, attention, i loved kissing, touching and im

Very sexual! He promjsed itd be nothing like my last relationshop. Well it is. I have to be the first to do anything. He wont kiss unless i ask. We dont have sex unless i bitch.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010):

It's really sad to read everyone's stories and see that a lot of women are going through the same situation!!

I think some of us females are living in a fantasy world. Yes men are all loving and affectionate when you first get together with them... of course they are!! They know what they have to do to get you! Once they have you, they dont need to try anymore. You can't change a man.

Maybe try couples councelling. If after all that, you've tried everything and you're tired and unhappy, then maybe it is time to walk away.

On the other hand, Maybe its us females? Maybe we have this image in our head of what men SHOULD be doing and not opening our eyes to see what they ARE doing. Maybe the more you nag him to be affectionate, the more he pushes you away? Read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'. Try and understand the opposite sex and stop wanting them to be like you.... a female!! Try everything and read everything because at least when you do decide its time to walk away you can say you tried everything you could to make it work! However, once you do leave, you have to be prepared that you might just end up with another male who is just the same as the man you're with now. And yes it is going to be hard sepearting from him and his family and you're children, and yes you will feel lonely and you might even have moments of regret. The grass may look greener on the other side.. but is it really??

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2010):

We have been married 2 years, and although we had a great sex life before marriage, about 3 months into the marriage he lost total interest in me. My physical appearance hasn't changed and I don't think my personality has either except that as time has gone by, I have gotten increasingly lonelier and depressed due to his refusal to tell me he loves me unless I say it first (and then he says it automatically); his refusal to complement me about anything; and his refusal to treat me like his wife instead of someone he has to tolerate.

I have tried talking to him about it, but he simply says it's my problem. We have no other major marital stressors - our income and home make us happy and we have great kids from his prior marriage, but he shows me absolutely no affection at all.

He will kiss me only if I lean over and do it first, and if I try to show affection in any other way - such as holding his hand - he literally pushes me away. Even my stepchildren (2 grown sons and one school-age daughter) notice it and have asked their father why he is this way. he is extremely affectionate with them, always kissing his grown sons when they go home, etc. so it is a problem with him not feeling affectionate towards me. The children are very kind and loving towards me, which is the only thing that keeps my sanity.

I know that in order to maintain a home with my stepchildren, whom I love very much, and my husband, whom I still love, I will have to lead a celibate and very lonely life because divorcing him for someone who shows me affection would mean losing my stepchildren. It's not just the sex that I miss: I miss the fact that he doesn't like me anymore and even seems repulsed by me. I can't figure it out. It is rare that we can even have a conversation lasting more than five minutes about anything, even something considered pleasant (not a fight, in other words) without him telling me that I bore him, that he has to watch his TV show, etc. In fact, his entire evening consists of watching TV from around 5 pm until 2 am and then he falls asleep on the couch and doesn't even tell me good night unless I tell him first. Sometimes he will simply ignore me in the middle of what I consider to be a conversation (even if the matter is something that interests him; he will continue talking about it to the neighbors, etc. but will act as if I am not there, which is painfully humiliating.)

By the way, we lived together for 3 years prior to marriage and this was never an issue; I felt like a honeymooner all during those 3 years. He was always kind, thoughtful, never controlling or selfish and I felt as if we were best friends; he used to tell me I was his best friend.

But now that we are married, he keeps saying that I don't interest him. I am hurt and feel so rejected but don't know what to do. He refuses to get counseling, saying that it doesn't bother him that I am so lonely because it's "my" problem, not his, and that attitude bothers me more than anything because he shows zero sensitivity towards how much this damages our marriage, not just us. In fact, I don't consider us to have a marriage except in name only and this is not how I expected to live the rest of my life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010):

I've only been married for almost 4 years and I already have that same problem! I have also tried to tell him how I feel and he just makes excuses and gets defensive with me. Before we were married he gave me lots of affection and now it feels like I am just his roommate. It that's all he wants then he should just go and live with his brother! I think this is a very common problem because men are not wired like us women. I believe that being married to another man would make no difference and I am definitely slipping into depression. This is going to be a very lonely life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010):

WOW!I am looking for answers about my situation. I had no idea there were other women experiencing the same things. I have read these posts and its like I wrote them. WOW I am glad I found this site and hope I can find some answers here. I am going through the exact same situations.

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A female reader, D in VT United States +, writes (12 September 2010):

I am in a similar situation. My husband and I have been together for 23 years and married for 18. While he was never overly affectionate, things have gotten to the point where I feel more like his roommate and housekeeper than his wife. He has no physical problems that prevent us from having sex but it is very rare that we do. He never kisses me, hugs me and very rarely tells me that he loves me. We spend no time together as a couple or a family. It always me with the kids. I have tried to talk to him about it but he views it as my problem not his problem or our problem. Everyone can see how unhappy I’ve been the last few years including our children (17 and 11). He’s generally a good person and provides a relatively good standard of living for us but I cannot get past this feeling that I will never feel truly happy and fulfilled in this marriage again. Like most everyone in this post, I feel very lonely and unloved. I’m afraid that the only solution is to end the marriage. I am very close to his family but ending our marriage will mean losing them in the process. I still care very much for my husband but I feel a growing resentment towards him and worry about the lasting damage it will cause to our children. I feel very jealous and near to tears when I see other couples holding hands or kissing and I wish that could be us again. To make matters worse, on my part, I’ve had a growing attraction to a childhood friend who I had always considered a cousin though we are not related. He’s very sweet to me and we had been texting back and forth, chatty type stuff, nothing inappropriate. It makes me wonder if there could be someone out there and if I should take the risk of ending the marriage (possibly ending up alone) in hopes of finding real happiness, or am I just meant to be unhappy for another 20-30 years.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2010):

i am in a marriage have been for 5 years but there is no affection from him he just treats me like a child i am always in the wrong if i try to answer him i am looking else where for love and affection i keep texting other men and getting sexy messages from them which makes me feel good but i know this is wrong so why do i do this

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A male reader, Trey69 United States +, writes (3 March 2010):

I'm a 32yr old man turning 33 this year.My wife is 28.We will be married 7yrs on March 29th. We have our Ups & downs like in many other marraiges I hear about.We are now attending counseling because it has been a rough journey.On this subject of no affection & being lived the way you love your insignificant other.There has always been a Gap n bridge so hard to cone across and meet together for union in affection.I know I have had my faults due to the Lack of sex & affection but I treat her like a queen.without her asking while just laying in bed I would give her neck,legs,back shoulders a Massage n not expecting nothing in return.During daytime when off from work or out shopping I would grab her kiss her lips n she would be playfull joining me. But to get to the point,while behind closed doors she flicks a switch then says I always grope her n up under her.But when she's in bodily pain I'm the one pampering her Ankles n shoulders.And I'm left alone n lonely when I need affection or a hug/Massage/Sex/n passionate kisses. Just the other night we had a argument because she decides to stay up late giving her energy to watching T.V late while I'm in bed. Then she comes to bed n that tired Coma comes over her n I can't touch or go near her. She knows I'm a sexual person and love affection but I'm not getting that in return for yes now.we even was sepearated for 6mnths over a year ago.but decided to work thru difficulties.Since the argument I haven't initiated nothing or touched her because Im so hurt n I give her compliments all the time.The strength has left. During our busy week I try certain things for attention but it's ignored.She actually thinks I do things around the house for sex! LoL! I told her that's Elementry because cleanliness is my character but she wasn't raises like me. I love her but it's taking a toll and stressing me out.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010):

Regrets. Sex was lousy from the start. I thought it was due to his inexperience. He is a good man and I thought he was worth the investment but after five years of patience, 'coaching' attempts, and frustrations, I gave up trying. Now it has been 10 years without sex or affection, and I have a 12 year old child who never was affectionate and presumably never will be. My child has had a good, secure life with involved, available parents and an affectionate mom. It sure seems that 'affectionlessness' can be a permanent genetic disorder. My life is lonely, and the effects of being 'unloved' and without emotional support are too many and too sad to mention.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010):

I feel your pain. I am experiencing the same issue. Not only do I feel unloved, I feel like he doesn't like me. It's a horrible feeling and I find myself falling into a state of depression. He tells me I'm controlling and that I like contraverosy when I try to talk to him about how it makes me feel and how it is affecting our relationship. This is not healthy and I know I have to end our relationship for my health. Sometimes love just aint enough. Take care of yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009):

Like everyone else here, I'm in the same situation. My boyfriend is 31 and I am 23. He is never affectionate and we hardly ever have sex. I kept trying to convince myself it was because he was older, but I have talked to other people about this and I know that at 31 he should still be wanting it a lot. I started looking in to it online and as someone else posted above, I believe he may also have a testosterone problem and also, from what I know about his upbringing I could understand why he doesn't know how to be affectionate. And it's not like he has commitment problems. He's been in loyal, commited relationships. I have tried to talk to him about it and he gets defensive and upset. I am always left feeling unloved (or un-liked in our case because we haven't even gotten to the "I love you" yet!), unwanted, underappreciated, and I am always left wondering what I am doing wrong. I feel lonely even when he`s sitting right next to me. Even when we do have sex, it feels empty and meaningless. Sex itself is an act of intimacy and the fact that it doesn`t feel like there is any affection AT all when we do do it is a terrible feeling. I feel a touch more confident in myself knowing other people (women AND men) are having the same problem, but desperately wish this would change. I care about him so much and love being with him, but I want, no, NEED, to feel like he feels the same.

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A female reader, Michaela112 United States +, writes (14 December 2009):

I have been with my husband for 22 years married for 14.

W love each other - It is just the affection thing for me..I think it's the hard wiring with the men.

This has been a constant complaint of mine - lack of affection.We have discussed this many times as well and i feel like a nag. I treat him with the same affection that i would like to recieve - to no avail. So i truly believe this approach does not work. Our sex is great and he would probably have it any time - but when you are not treated affectionately it takes alot longer to "get in the mood" Without the affection coming from him - it really is harder to feel loved and wanted. I often feel like i have to get myself in the mood - to have sex - and sometimes it just seems like too much work when he puts so little effort into it. My new approach will be - I need some affection and attention if you want sex - and I know he does. I doubt this will work - I'll bet if a guy had to look up affection in the dictionary it wouldnt be there when they looked for it. I am sure of it- it doesnt exist for them. It is not worth leaving him for though i have considered it in the past. What to do what to do...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009):

I've been married since June and hate I wen through with it. We have been together 6 years and over the years to sex has become nonexistance. If I don't initiate it, we don't have it. I am stubborn by nature and I am refusing to make the first move. We have been in counseling since the 2 month of marriage. This man is not affectionate. Sometimes I sleep upstairs and he down, then vica versa. He group in an abusive family and so did I, but in all my relationships, except this one, All my guys were very affectionate. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I love him but he's a good friend but a lousy husband.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009):

I feel your pain. I am 25 and have been married for 2 years and with him for four. We lived up north for 1 year and our sex life was amazing. Then we moved down south and our sex life went out the door. I asked him why and he said that he was stressed. Well I threatened to leave and our sex life became "ok" not like it had been but better. A year later he asked me to marry him. We got married sex life went out the door. I get laid maybe once every 3 or 4 months. I ask him why? and he always says he's tired. I get pecks goodbye and thats it. NO hugs unless I ask. I feel like I am living with a friend and sometimes just a room mate. I don't feel loved at all. There are no kids. I just don't have the guts to ask him to leave. He is a GREAT friend and he makes me laugh but there is no love. There is friendship love but he is not in love with me. It breaks my heart every time. Any advise?

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A male reader, DocBroc555 United Kingdom +, writes (12 June 2009):

I have the same problem - my fiancee doesn't like hugs, cuddles or any other kind of loving contact, except in 'the bedroom' and only when she initiates it. This leaves me feeling like just a piece of meat.

I'm a very tactile person and I show affection with touch, hugging and cuddling, etc. This lack of contact has me feeling light a lighthouse on a pinnacle of rock, battered by emotional storms and yet standing completely alone.

Isn't it normal for women to like cuddling and smooching??

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A female reader, sheetal123 United States +, writes (27 March 2009):

same here,, I have been together for 10 yrs know.its seems like our marraige have got so boring.there is no charm left.Its only when his mood is there.Once a week we will have aruments he thinks m not attractive , i dont know how to wear clothes ..though i get compliments from my friends.These things make me depressed .m only here because of my son.Otherwise i would have got log time ago.he thinks he is the breadwinner so can behave any how he wants too...its so frustrating m glad m working that makes me bit happier and my son .So i know how people feel when there is no love in their marraiges .Looking back i regret for getting married to him. as he aswell wants to leave but afraid to tell his parents .how sick???

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A female reader, beautybabe United States +, writes (14 February 2009):

I totally understand this. I am 23 and my husband is 27! He only wants to have sex once a week and any time I try to initiate sex, he says he's too tired. I have to make him hug and kiss me otherwise he probably wouldn't. I do notice attention from other men with much higher sex drives and it makes me feel like I could have something better. We have been married for four years, have two kids and he has never supported our family. Only recently out of guilt has he become more serious about finishing his bachelor's degree. We are close and sometimes I feel like he is just a close friend. He says he still loves me and is attracted to me, but he never lets me seduce him anymore and sometimes I feel like straying even though that's something I would never even consider in the past.

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A female reader, Clementine New Zealand +, writes (27 January 2009):

Dearest Tisha

I found this site out of desperation. I spend most evenings in tears trying to work out how to make my man care about me. As one other reader said, "they put it down to a person's childhood, their upbringing'. Well I can fully understand that school of thought. my partner has never been married, he is 48, I am 47. He has had numerous relationships, the last one before me ended when his fiance (they were together 3 years in total) died suddenly. He was then alone for a year or so then hooked up with me. He told me she was unfaithful to him. Her reason? "To tst him to see if he cared about her at all". I know exactly why she did what she did. This man is kind, generous, loyal and principled but he has no idea how to put his arms round a woman, cuddle her in and tell her he adores her or that she's beautiful. I tell him constantly how much I love and adore him and how beautiful he is. I have only ever been around men who had done that in the past and I miss it, oh how I miss it. I feel so desperately alone in the world. My beautiful children cuddle me and tell me they love me and I wouldn;t give that away for anything but I still need my man to do the same. He's "almost" affectionate when he wants sex but even that has waned. We have only been together 18 months and I feel we never even had the "honeymoon period". I am so glad that I have read everyone else's blogs on here as all my friends seem to have wonderful, caring, loving relationships. At least now I know I'm not alone. Ladies, I hope we all find true love and happiness in this short life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008):

I hate to say this, but people don't change. I married a man who is not very affectionate-never has been. If affection is how you interpret love; then you will never truly be happy. It's time to move on, he will never change who he is, no matter how much he loves you. And you will never be able to feel loved with a man like this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008):

I was able to convince my husband to see a urologist after about 5 years of no affection/limited sex. He was found to have low testosterone levels and now gets a shot twice a month. It does seem to help a little, I can tell when he's gotten his shot and when he needs to go get it. But still, the "non-sexual" affection is lacking - he's more interested in playing softball, watching tv, working his job (which he loves), anything else than working on making his wife feel loved and fulfilled in the marriage. In the bible it says that men are to love their wives and women are to respect their husbands. This is the basic truth about how marriage is to work. When both partners are doing what their supposed to - it does feel like a great marriage. I think husbands feel disrespected at times and therefore withold the love part, and vice versa. It shouldn't be that way, but I think since we are all basically sinful people that is just the way it is. We have to fight against that and do what's right by our partner for it to work properly.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2007):

Like most of you, I can definitely relate....I just turned 30 and my husband is 34. We have 3 kids (ages 5yrs, 3yrs and 9 months). My husband is very unaffectionate...at least some of you kiss goodbye...we don't do that...the only time he really notices me is when he wants his sexual needs met and after that, It's like I don't exist again...I"m seriously thinking about leaving him because I'm miserable and I don't won't to spend the rest of my life this way...I'm married and lonely...If I'm going to be lonely, I'm going to be by myself...My kids are the only reason I'm still here...Oh, did I mention, I'm not allowed to call him affectionate names like honey, sweetie or baby...It is really depressing...He can't even tell me "happy birthday or happy anniversary" on those dates...I just celebrated my 30th birthday (a huge milestone) and he deemed it just another day.. We will be married 6 years in February...We should still be in honeymoon mode..I'm beginning to think that if it's already cold like this at 6 years, it can only get worse...we went to counselling at our church on yesterday, but nothing was really resolved because he doesn't seem willing...as far as he's concerned, there's nothing wrong with him...to the person who is about to get married...be very sure before you go through with this...because if I could go back and rethink the decision after seeing this,I would have definitely remained single....The kids have been the only great thing to come out of this...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007):

I just had a baby w a dude just like that!! He was affectionate before my pregnancy (I was the aggressor:) but throughout my pregnancy through now it's been a done deal - baby's 4 months+ old now!! My advice to anyone in this situation: RUN!!! I've NEVER been the touchy feely kind but now that I have none, it's dredful. RUN YOU RUN FAST!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007):

Hello Tish,

I am 44 years, and I know exactly how you feel. My husband is the same. He does not know how to show or give any affection like cuddling, hugging etc. They say that it all stems back to their childhood upbringing.

I also love to just cuddle, hug, kiss, and not always have sex.

My advice is as long as you can give it to him don't expect it in return. Just be happy that you can give. This should just make you happy in itself.

Live your own life to make yourself happy. Do other things that make you happy inside and don't focus so much on what you want or expect of him in return. Do you have any hobbies or interests ? Join a social club or group. You will never get affection from him and you will always make yourself unahappy if you keep trying. Men never change. Women are the ones who can and have to change and are more able to adapt than men.

I am sure that he loves you, but he may show it in other ways, but you may not see it or you are not aware of it. However, this may not be the way you want it to be, but there is nothing you can do about it. He is the way he is and so be it. YOU CAN CHANGE !

You could suggst to him that he sees a local doctor about his erection problem.

Good Luck in whatever you do. Keep your chin-up and keep smiling.

Cheers

Marie

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2007):

I have the same problem, I have being married for the last 17 years and feel like we are more like brother and sister.There is no affection or closeness in my life, the nearest i get to a cuddle is from the children, it makes me so down and depressed.It doesnt matter if i make a effort or not he never notices. I have tried changing my hairstyle and having extensions ,got plenty of attension on going out but nothing from my husband. I have tried to wear sexier clothing and loose weight but there is nothing there. Last time he came home i even said that i was going to move out ,but i love my children too much ang couldnt put them through that.So if you have got any ideas please pass them on. from another desperate wife

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007):

Tisha,

You're not alone! I used to have the same problem with my husband. I was actually talking to his brothers wife and they told me about something caled Monavie, which they were taking. It's a antioxidant juice blend from the amazons centering around the acai berry. If you look into the life of the native Amazonians, they have children well into their 50's 60's and 70's due to their diet. It's basically very high antioxidants. It's helped my husband with his "little" problem and it's also helped with me with a world of problems (not asociated). I would check into it if I was you. Good luck!

Cristina

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A female reader, chav123 +, writes (9 December 2005):

Why don,t you tell him how you are feeling and just sit down and talk about your relastionship and ask is are relastionship going any where just tell him how you feel hope everything goes well good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2005):

I have been married for 11years...we had an awesome sex life BEFORE we got married. On our wedding night, he was not "in the mood"! I cried and cried! We did not consumate our vows until a week after and that was only after I asked for an annullment! Which is probably what I should have done!

For 11years I have lived with a man who is only affectionate when he wants to have sex which is normally once a month or once every 2 months!! I thought I would never be unfaithfull in my marriage, but I did stray. The other man made me feel so beautiful and alive again. (I don't care who you are if you are not getting what you need at home, it begins to wear on you...you begin to feel worn out and drained!) I feel bad and broke it off with the gentleman but seperated from my husband for 6months, our daughter(9 year old) said I seemed happier but she missed her father. I had moved out of state to get away from it all..to clear my head and re-assess. I missed my husband too, I do love him, he is a good man but the affection that I craved I knew he couldn't give me. He promised that he would do better. We got back together and for 2 months the lovin' was strong, after that we're back to the same 'ol, same'ol! I am 37 years old and I get hit on all the time, it is so hard. I will not leave again for my daughter sake she just turned 10 so I can hang in there for another 8 years. After I get her off the college, I'll will be free to do what I want.

Every one talks about women not wanting sex from their husbands, what about when it's the other way around?

No one really talks about that...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2005):

My husband is sorta the selfish kind.We go a whole month without sex.I mean no cuddleing nor a kiss every now and then.I do feel like there is no love there.We have been married for 13years.I wish i knew what his problem is.This is not really a answer to this question but I just wanted to say that I to feel as though my husband isn't affectionate.He only wants what he wants.He doesn't think about me.It's really hard to wanna please your husband when there hasn't been any affection.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (5 November 2005):

eyeswideopen agony auntIf your husband has fully recovered from his surgery then he may want to talk to his doctor to get a prescription for Viagra (there are others as well). Once he feels comfortable knowing he can keep his erection he will feel more inclined to have sex. You just need to get the ball rolling by telling him how you feel. Get some sexy lingerie! Slip him the tongue on that goodbye kiss! You have the opportunity to RECREATE your sex life and really start having fun. Talk to him today!

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A female reader, Mirabell +, writes (5 November 2005):

Mirabell agony auntThere are many reasons a man would act this way. He could be unfaithful. In addition, if you met him and when you were on birth control and now currently are not, (or vice versa) it could be a result of hormone problems. Studies have shown that birth control can interfere with mate selection.(Singh) If you know that's not true, there is only one plan of action. YOU MUST BE HIM. Whenever you want him to do something, instead of being upset that he didn't do it and becoming resentful, you do what you want him to do to you . . .to him. Humans came from monkeys, they learn by mimcry. It will be hard to change a man, but if you do it consistently and patiently he may start to feel comfortable enough to reciprocate. And he will learn to appreciate it and realize how it brightens his day.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2005):

I'm 33 and I've always been considered to be a "hottie" by men (although I just think I'm ok)...

Your question caught my attention as I'm doing research on sexual problems.

I'm soon going to be engaged to the most wonderful caring and GENTLE man. The catch? He seems full of inhibitions and doesn't really want sex all that much and he's only 39. He blames it on his age but I know better. I've been around the block.

Your description of your husband sounds a lot like my boyfriend.

I've asked my boyfriend if he still thinks I'm gorgeous (we've known each other for about a year and a half and he used to say this a lot when he first met me).

I thought that one of the reasons a normal man would lose interest in his loved one would be that he finds her unattractive or that she is just not pleasant company, right?

Well, he says he adores my company and he's still crazy about my body. And I know he enjoys my company because we really do get along great.

As a matter of fact, it's starting to feel like he's my brother.

I don't know what to do. I wish someone could help us.

Have you asked your husband if he still finds you attractive?

Going to a sex therapist is out of the question because it's not in our budget. Plus, how do you even find a good one? If I ever decided to see one, it would definitely HAVE to be a man.

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A female reader, beenthere +, writes (4 November 2005):

ask him how he feels. he may not feel like sex after a bypass but there's no reason not to have cuddles. a kiss goodby is a good start. i'm only 25, been with my partner for 2 years,he rarely does that any more but i keep telling him i want him to and it has started to work. when he kisses you goodbye, give him a cuddle too. don't wait for him to do it. if he's never been affectionate like this then you know it's not because he finds you unattractive. tell him you love him and see if he says it back. talk to him. ask him how he feels and if he still finds you attractive. he'll probably say yes so just tell him you need him to show it. he might not know how. men need to be told what to do in most situations.

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