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My husband isn't attentive and only wants sex one position

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 January 2018) 7 Answers - (Newest, 16 January 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, *enne writes:

Been feeling low and down recently and could do with getting away from it all but theres no chance of that. i dont tell my husband how feel and keep it in and put a brave face on. I used to go for a walk with my husband during the week now he never says to go. we do at weekends but thats it. i said about going the cinema at the weekend he said if you want to. i also said about looking to book somewhere for our holiday he didnt say anything. what do you think is going on with him. he said whats wrong with me suggesting going for walk in the week and he just forgets. he said its just a figure of speech about saying if i want to go the cinema and he will book the holiday at the end of the month. i asked what was on his mind or if someone is he said theres nothing and no one on it. i said did he have something to tell me he said he hasnt. said he just wants to get on with life and i wont let us but im the one making the effort to say to go the cinema and about us walking in the week. i dont think hes stressed at all about anything. im also concerned he cant come when facing me but can from behind. he had a prostrate operation and blames it on that but i think its me because i dont turn him on and he can only come by not looking at me.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 January 2018):

[EDIT]:

"When my partner died of cancer,"

"Your life must include family and friends. They will take you to lunch, to the amusement park; or ice-skating, when he won't."

Some interests we can share with our mates, some we can't.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 January 2018):

Please don't call yourself horrid names. That's unnecessary and putting yourself down serves no constructive purpose.

You're now recognizing that you've stayed in a relationship that offers you nothing in exchange for your feelings. That's the first-step. Identifying or recognizing the problem. Owning responsibility.

It is now empowering you to make a decision to do what's best for you.

Sometimes people over 40 tend to stick it out; because they feel they have to. Maybe force of habit. The prospect of loneliness or starting-over from scratch is frightening.

Anyone over the age of 40 feels unsettled, if not scared out of our wits; when we are facing the possibility of being single after a marriage or long-term relationship has ended.

When my partnered died of cancer, I was thrust into the world after a happy 28-year relationship. Talk about scared!!! I eventually learned being single is freedom and independence. Not being sentenced to loneliness. I have friends, a very loving-family, and wonderful colleagues. You have learned you can be lonely having someone around 24/7.

You also have to have friends. They fill the voids one single person could never fill alone. You life must include family and friends. They will take you to lunch, to the amusement park, ice-skating, when he won't. If you limit yourself to relationships, you place a heavy-burden and high expectations on only one individual. He gives nothing back! He's a slug and a sponge. He absorbs, but doesn't release.

I will never make my relationship the total center of my universe. I am 3-demensional, multi-faceted, and complex as an individual. I work at it everyday! I have surrounded myself with people who enrich my life, and I give-back to help others. So the love comes back ten-fold!

Well, as we get older, we get complacent and tolerant. Now I guess you've reached your threshold with this man.

You've got to love yourself. You can't be courageous and face the world alone; when you're putting-down the person you most depend on. That person is yourself.

You will draw strength from this. You're a survivor. You just took awhile to see things for what they are. Hey, we have all done that... or will do that. No more putting yourself down. Aunts and uncles, please talk to this lady!

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (16 January 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntIf things are that bad and you are this unhappy then leave him. If you feel he treats you so terribly bad and won't change then don't stay and live miserably.

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A female reader, tenne United Kingdom +, writes (15 January 2018):

tenne is verified as being by the original poster of the question

This is tenne. I have been a naive stupid bitch and been walked over alot. he reminds me of my father and i hated him. i just like to feel im getting attention and to feel wanted. ive told him before hes boring. i like going to theme parks and ice skating hes not into them and said i would have to go alone if i want to do them. i went with him to a gig even thou i wasnt really into the group but ended up enjoying it be nice if he done something to please me even if hes not set on it. Ive found when ive tried to tell him how i feel i get the impression hes not interested and doesnt give a damn. only makes me wonder why ive stuck around and where its going. i know if i could of seen what my life would be like with him i wouldnt of turned up for the 2nd date.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2018):

A prostate operation can affect the sex life of a man because it can cause erectile dysfunction and incontinence. Also ageing affects ones desire to going out as one once did when young. Every stage in life has its requirements, advantages and disadvantages to which we have to adapt. What you can do to help is be less dependent on him. You can go for walks alone and ask him if he would like to join you but don't press him. Actually it is a well known fact that walking is very beneficial for him with his condition. Also I reiterate what aunt honesty has said, you should take good care of your looks, exercise, lose weight if you have put on extra pounds, Dress well, change your hair style, take good care of your skin, Adopt a new style of makeup, take up a hobby, join groups, start a business, study etc etc. You can do many many things to fill your time. In short be an independent person and enjoy life as it comes, at the same time encourage him to join you in the fun but don't press him. Remember happiness comes from within.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (14 January 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntFirst off if you are feeling low and down you should talk to someone. You shouldn’t bottle up how you feel to your husband he can probably sense that their are things you are hiding so talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. Remember communication is a big thing in a marriage and once that starts to fail the rest will come tumbling down after.

If you want to walk with him during the week then tell him that. It seems you need reassurance from him that he still loves you but in fact he might also need that same reassurance. Go to the cinema and enjoy it, go on holiday and have fun together just because it was your idea doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care. He seems to be in a routine just and he doesn’t know you want to break out off it. Talk to him tell him how you feel ask him to make more plans together.

As for your sex life, operations can make things different. I think you are down on yourself at the moment and you are thinking the worst. You both need to try and spice things up. If he can only orgasm from a certain position then end it that way but don’t start it that way. Book a romantic weekend away as a surprise and dress up get some new lingerie make yourself feel better about you and spend time on being intimate and foreplay.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 January 2018):

Your husband is a slave to habit and routine. He does things strictly by routine, and that's a sign of aging. He offers you no spontaneity; and when you mention doing things differently.

He shoots you down for two possible reasons:

(1) Because you suddenly come out of left-field and catches him off-guard. Where the hell is she coming from???

(2) You approach him like you're afraid of him as if you're a child, and you're not both two adults. Equals!

Sexual-positions are something a couple works-out. Your husband isn't the kind of guy who has conversations about your marriage and sex. He's apparently stubborn in his ways.

Sometimes it takes the shock-method. Tell him you're tired of trying to talk with him just to be blown-off. You've apparently been married to this man a long-time; and you've been very passive and timid. Once you create that type of marriage; it solidifies into that form and structure. Then suddenly deciding out of the blue you want to be different, is going to be difficult. He doesn't care about discussing your feelings; he just wants stick to the routine. His way or the highway! You're just whining, nagging, and complaining. Just shut-up!

Challenge him. Suggest that you're bored with things as they are; and you're tired of his stubbornness. You'd like sex facing each other. You don't believe his excuses.

Lets get one thing straight. This is not an argument. You will not be on the defensive. You will not cry or beg to be heard. You will be heard. You are expressing your feelings, like an adult. Out-loud for a change. For years you've been bossed-around and passive.

It is going to take time to readjust and reprogram your marriage. This will not change over-night. You've grown content and complacent. People usually give-up, because change doesn't happen instantly. Millennial-thinking expects things to magically-change in an instant. You're both mature and past that stage in your lives. It's sink or swim!

Put your foot down woman!!! Marriages and relationships suffer and end; because partners don't effectively communicate. He has you trained and conditioned to back-down when he barks. If you're too scared of him to stand your ground. Thus is your problem! It's not a partnership. He's the boss, and you're the obedient servant. Asking for permission to do things like a timid little-girl.

You're acting like that man is your father, not your husband. His strategy works like this. If she brings up crap about our marriage and relationship-talk; shoot her down and put-up the shields. Refuse to talk about it.

Oh really?!!

The man living with you is your husband, partner, and equal. Explain, without backing-down, that you want to have a serious talk. You'd like to see if you and he could get things going again, and mix it up a little. Make life more fun! Let him know that you're hurt that he brushes you off; and makes you feel foolish. No, you don't want to just "get on with life." You want to enjoy it before you're too old!

That's the whole damn problem!!! His way is just dull and repetitive; and you want and need more than that! Don't be scared to tell him.

I mean, seriously?!!

What have you got to lose? Sheepishly, you say something off-the-wall about taking a walk or a vacation. He swats you away like a pesky fly; and you shy into a corner like a child. What kind of communication is that???

Designate a time and place to have adult-discussions about your problems. Ask for his undivided-attention. Let him know, it's a two-way conversation. You'll listen to what he's got to say, and what he needs from you. It's necessary, or you might decide you're tired of being married to him. That will get his attention!

If you want and need more, ask for it. Tell him you'll either work things out together, or insist on marital-counseling. Be courageous! You have to convey to your mate how serious this matter is to you. You're not acting like a fool; and don't allow him to pull that anymore.

Be brave, or be quiet. Silently go through the rest of life just like it is now. You have one thing in your favor. Statistically, you'll out-live him. Either-that, or you'll wither into a sad and unhappy old-woman; who wasted her youth and best years on a boring old fart!

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