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My husband is useless in bed...is he gay, masterbating or what?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 November 2009) 11 Answers - (Newest, 22 June 2010)
A female United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I need more help with this ongoing no sex at all with my husband of 9 years it's been over 2 years since he has even tryed, and when he did it was only because he knew we were in serious marriage trouble becasue i had him go wityh me to a therapist,he admists he masterbates,weekly, well after 4 therpists god ones later, still no answers, you will probally see a few more of my letters on here i posted for suggestions to help me save my marriage, well I think I am about to give up, he won't budge, he is always nice to me, except when it comes to getting close sexually or trying to bring it up, he gets very shakey. walks away, ignores me, and so on. I am around him except for his job, but I can call him and he can call me. He has admitted only when I asked about masterbation that he does, and he admitted to the therapist, the therapist asked him if he was into porn and he said no, well why isn't masterbation considered [porn if that is the only sex you are haveing when you have a perfectly good looking wife there waiting for you? what in the world is wrong with my husband? I am scared I have given up,I'm hurt, I feel if he trys now I will pull away infact I know I will unless he proves to me that he really wants me, I don't want no fakness like he has done in the past. I did catch him one time getting hiself hard while i was in the bathroom getting ready to go in the bedroom with him on one of our yearly accasions, it was a complete turn off for me, if a man can't get hard with my touch then i don't want him plain and simple, I see it i know what you are thinking people who are reading this, I know i am getting a bad attitude, but I am damn mad at him, I hate him for the situation he has put our marriage in, he does not care, I am the one who wrote he had the nerve to write a statement down that he promises never to masterbate again and be with me,and he signed it, I am so so mad over that , I just think he is a liar, a huge liar, i think it is a sin to do that type of trickery to your wife that you say you love,I feel he does love me,I feel he needsme thats it, but for what I do only, nothing sexual, should I stop my daily routine and cooking? But in some sort of other way,not as a wife that is for sure, also he is the type of husband who will not admit fault, I do all the fixing around here, he can cut grass, but I am the eslectriian, the accountant, cook and repairperson. He has low self esteam I feel becasue he doesn't try new things like putting a tv cart together, he wil pay someone esle to do it, and our house needs painting well he wants to pay someone or let me do it, and he wold let me do it. Could my husband be just using me? I have thought and thought about this no sex situation, our closeness on my part is fading fast, I don't know whats on his mind, I know it's not me, but how can he tell me he loves me, kiss me and cuddle beside me and watch a movie for over 2 hours all the time and still no sexal advances????????????any suggestions, and please, no counseling done that been there,many man hy times, I have had qite a few people tell me he could be gay, but he's not with no one, so what's going on if I have him al the time,except if i go to the store and or friends house i'm not gone more than a couple hours a week, is this enough time for him to do what he needs that he doesn't need me anylonger, I am crying as I type this, can any professional or smart person on this subject advise me on how to tell my husband he has just about lost his wife sexually for good becasue of his lack of sex towards her, he doesn't touch me in any way,the other night he knew I was mad becasue of this he had the nerve while we were sitting next to each other watching a movie he put his arm on my leg and moved it up to the top, and that was it, he acted like he really was doing something , after about 15 minutes of him doing nothing i just moved away, he then put his hand back on my leg and moved it close to my crouch, and moved his hand back to my kneee and left it there, what's the deal he treats me like i have lice,a husband who is afraid tro make love to his wife, and now he is faking hand movements and can't folow through how dumb does he think I am? suggestions to try on him to get a response would be god, and any suggestions to try with him to tell if he could be gay? help my marriage I don't want to have to divorce, but it looks like I will have to, this siuation is looking useless!HELP ADVICE TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE.

View related questions: divorce, liar, porn

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A female reader, felanie United States +, writes (22 June 2010):

I had the same problem you have and I put up with it for 22 years, I gave the man the BEST years of my life and now I'm an old hag and it probably doesn't even matter now, but what I had to do is to get on psychiatric medication to help me with the FACT that he has issues, he's stimulated not by me but by something else in his life and sex is not part of our marriage equation. The psych meds helped me to really not feel guilty about having sex outside the marriage which is what I do continuously almost daily with whoever but now it's opened up a can of worms called $$$$$ ok, I have to pay for AIDS tests all the time and STD tests at clinics. 1 day I hope I'll have the guts to just leave so the world will see him for what he is which is (?) GAY OR QUITE ILL OR A GOLD DIGGER OR A MEAN BASTARD OR ??? He does have a girlfriend now, she's a biker who's covered with tattoos and piercings a white lady with kids every color of the rainbow. I'm a Christian kindergarten teacher who doesn't even wear makeup. He kicked me out 3 yrs. ago when I refused to have yet another boob job and ass lift and tease my hair to have Texas big hair. This is stupid. I've been an athlete all my life and my body is smoking hot. He is a fucked up weirdo. Now I have to look like a sinner in the eyes of my church for divorcing him. He's a big fat thing, too, 125 lbs. overweight. Kicking skinny me out to go after an old fat biker lady with black brown red yellow white and black kids like the old lady in the shoe in the 'hood. Of course all her tattoos are in places that are hidden by clothes so at church I guess she'll look oh, so pious and Christian...wow...

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A female reader, beenthere2 United States +, writes (24 April 2010):

I was married for 16 plus years to someone with the same problem. I was beautiful and a model before we married. Dear he won't change. Someone who would rather mastrubate than be with you is selfish and they will never change.

My husband died 5 years ago and now I know that even at my age I did not deserve to be treated that way. Don't cry yourself to sleep every night like I did.

Being alone is better than being rejected. You sound like a beuatiful loving person who deserves so much more. Get out start over and never make that mistake again.

He will not change...no amount of talking will help. My husband was addicted to porn and mastrubation and would do it all day long if he could.

There's nothing you can do but love yourself and keep looking for someone who will appreciate you. They will.

Don't believe the Bozo who said you are desperate for sec....you are not the problem and all the things that you have tried show how much you love your husband. Go be with someone who deserves your love.

If you don't, you will get so low you won't be able to get back up.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009):

Hello, I'm the anonymous men that suggest to tell him that you were goint to look for someone else to do the job and if he was ok with that. Did you actually try that? Did it work? if you told him what did he said? Any way I hope that everything work out and that everything its ok.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

anymore comments,for my siuaation? It is now npv 28th and still nothing from my husband? thanks to all who have replyed to help so far, meed more advise he won't budge,how can I scare him good back into reality? I'm not sure how to tell him it is over,i think he thivks I will keep putting up with this sexless marriage? Please no more theripists, the last one al my husband would say was she doesn't play with me I fely that to be sickening and the theripist said he was being a big baby.more comments from any more smart people before I make my desicsion and how i should aptoach anf tell him I am laeaving this is the last straw!

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (18 November 2009):

Tisha-1 agony auntHe was about to tell you? But he stopped. It's something he just can't get out, so obviously it's not good. I think you're already on your way out that door, and I don't blame you one bit for that. You sound amazingly patient and I think you've been doing your very best to get this solved.

I have a sneaky suspicion that he is actually gay, that he's been repressing it and that's why he has to get himself hard. It's making you feel unwanted sexually, rejected and unloved. His equipment works, right? He can masturbate and doesn't have any health issues that could cause this problem. So then whatever the problem is, it is in his head.

I would say that it is not you, it's him, based on what you've written. He's got a mental block for sure.

I guess my advice to you is to decide if you want to continue your life like this, as it sounds he's not making any forward progress whatsoever. He's fine with the status quo; it's you who is not, and that means that you're the one who's going to have to push the discussion, move things along, get the answer, whatever it is.

I personally think you should not let up on him--still be gentle but don't let him squirm out of it.

I think it's time for consequences to happen to him. He shouldn't be surprised to watch you walk, or to be asked to leave the house. His inertia is holding you back from getting the answer and from giving an ultimatum and sticking to it. Two years is long enough. That's longer than some marriages.

I think you need to develop that anger and upset you feel into resolve, use it for strength as you'll need it to face the transitions you'll be making if he doesn't come clean.

What a horrible situation to be in. You deserve all the love and support you can find as you try to reach a solution for your marriage problems. All the best.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

and update on my husband won't touch me in bed,to the annonomous male response that's a great idea, i will try that asap, as of today the 17th of nov still no action, we watched movies all weekend, the same old thing nothing, i talked to him last night i told him nicley not the new idea yet i just read that i will try that tonight, but last night i told him i was very unhappy and that i knew he knew why, also i told him he has made me feel less sexully for him now, i explained to him if he wants me i want it to be real, i told him if and when he decides for real to be with me i may have a hard time believig him, because of all this pushing me away and ignoring me, with no excuse for it. Nicley I said to him I didn't have any idea what was wrong with him, but could he please tell me, I was very nice and upfront but not to upfront. I talked to him in a caring way, I thought for one instance he was going to tell me why, but he cringed up and said nothing and tryed to change the subject. I did tell him I do know he has a problem one of 2 which of the 2 i said i wasn't sure he has a problem he won't give up,so that's why he doesn't want sex,then i told him if he told me no mater what i wouldn't get mad he got real quiet then started to say something then changed the subject again, after last night i am scared, i feel my marriage could be over, what or why can't my husband open up? any suggestions i'm on my last leg here. Now i'm afraid what the answer might be, I am lost about this? thanks so far to all who have replyed to help me.Any more replys are welcome.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009):

If he is able to masterbate then he is able to have sex. Why he would rather masterbate than have real sex?. It doesn't make any sense. Ask him if he will be OK if you find someone to do what he doesnt and then you will not bother him again with sex matters. May be and only maybe he'll try to do the job instead of some one else. If he does not care you will have a bigger problem. But remember when you talked with him about this dont be angry, be very calm and let him know that you are sugesting this because you don want to disturbing him. Present the idea like you actually are helping him not you. Tell him that you will be more relax and it would help your relation. If he say NO then you hava a chance If he say YES no problem, then he is not planning to touch you again. After that you will have to make a decision. Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

to all who replyed thank you, i will try all the advice, but actually i have tryed everything all the responders have said, i have backed off for over a year, wow how much longer should i give my husband my entire life, actuaaly i didn't know men were so touchy about sex and take monthes into years to get an erection, i'm soory i just don't belive that to the one respnse i got from a male reader. I am a good wife what in gods sake does my husband expect of me, how can he be so selfious, i'm sorry i have about gave up, this man won't budge, i would like to take a break away like a one month trip out of state to a good friends i haven't seen in a while, i bet he is the same when i get back, what do you readers think? I may sound harsh on the previous letter i was just mad on paper i don't show this to him, i cook for him, do the bills work, paint ect, a great wife I may say for myself, this is my main pet peev why?????????? no sex and no touch at all????? Can i be that intimidating, people i am a quite person I don't hound him i just bring the subject up every 4 to 6 monthes i think thats backing off enough, how much more time should I give him???

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2009):

The first poster is absolutely right on. You seriously need to chill.

Men masturbate, sometimes, because it's 'free' -- they can get off without worrying if 'it was good for you'. It just might be that he no longer thinks he can make it good for you - there's too much angst, drama, whatever.

You're so worked up, there's probably nothing he can do to please you at this point. And that's the worst erection killer imaginable.

Back off, girl.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2009):

the honest truth is that masturbation is much less tiring for men.

Most men can reach orgasim in less than 3 minutes, some even less 1 minute whereas most women take ages to do that. so the male is left with two choices. either to spend alot of energy trying to satisfy the female partener or turn selfish and satisfy only himself and then turn his back and go to sleep.ofcourse in the early years of marriage when the man is still young and has alot of energy and less problems in life and love is still young and there are alot of discoveries to be explored in bed and alot of commitment to satisfy each other but as years pass and the man is woren out physically and mentally and sex becomes like any house chore the man begins to falter on his commitments and seek the easier choices and that is to masturbate when he needs sex. I know this is very angering comment to most female readers but it is the honest truth and I am sure there are alot of male readers who agree with me.This is the down side of marriage.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2009):

Wow! I guess first of all you need to calm down a bit. You sound so much frustrated and pissed. Quite natural, given your situation. You haven't given any indication as to whether you and your husband ever had a good sexual relationship in the past. Was he behaving sexually normal before this problem started two years ago? Is it possible that there is too much pressure on him which makes him nervous and put off sex? I mean, probably his knowing that you are waiting for him to 'perform' makes him anxiouse. I have read that for a man, its not like for a woman. If they are worried or nervous about their performance and if there is a lot of pressure on them, they cannot get an errection. Thats why most men with similar issues can masterbate but not intercourse. B'cos during masterbation its just them. No pressure in pleasing someone else.

Why don't you look at the problem in a different angle? Have you considered what impact your mood has on your husband? Are you too demanding in your relationship? Are you giving signals that he is not man enough b'cos he is not having sex? I'm not telling you are, I'm asking you to think of the problem in these lines as well before you get in to any drastic decision making. You know, most of the times its so much easier to change your attitude than another person's, and that can really lead to changing the other persons attitude towards you.

Also I was wondering...are you two spending too much time together? Why don't you take a break from all this and divert your attention to something else. Here I'm NOT talking about diverting your attention to other men! What about taking up a hobby, a dance lesson, going out with friends,,, something of the sought. You sound so troubled. You need to take it easy.

From what you hear about still watching movies together... I feel your relatiuonship has not gone to a place of no return. There seem to be some really good qualites left in your man. Why don't you stop putting more pressure on him and just take in all those little little things about him which made you love him in the first place? That will take the pressure off sex and make the two of you relax. It sounds as if you have been off sex for a long time and now probably its awkward for your husband to do any sexual things with you. Give him a chance. Stop waiting for sex. Stop showing him you are desperate. Please put less pressure on yourself and your husband. Things will workout if you try to take a different approach. All the best !!!

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