A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 30 years old, I've spent more than half of my life crazy insanely in love with this person, we had a great love story but equally great drama, what broke us was a very strong storm, both of us are changed forever and deeply wounded that to end our relationship we both moved away to different continents. This was sad and tragic.It took me few years to actually get over those traumatic events and to find myself again. But when I did finally feel the ground underneath my feet and took control I did the best thing I could have thought of. I got married to someone who doesn't know anything about my past or how I got through it, he ONLY ever knew and fell in love with me, the result of all that resolved struggle, a quit, serious, strong and independent woman.He doesn't know that my peers are dead, doesn't know how my 1st true love ended up going from a navy officer to a hopeless drug addict, doesn't know the violence, the threats or the length of the abuse. Regardless of all the above, my husband, my choice is kind, loving, caring, great father, helps in the house, funny and to add to all of the above he satisfy all my sexual needs, kinky and is so good in bed.I can go on and on about him, family person, loves his parents and siblings, trust worthy and in the 4 years we been married he have never looked outside nor left me one day to sleep upset or slightly annoyed with him.The problem is, even though I did came out the other end in one piece and true that what doesn't kill you make you stronger I have never forgot about my 1st love. He hunts me like a ghost, he found me through old friends, I know how he lost everything and still blames me, I was the reason he started it all, he says his 1st addiction were not drugs but me, I drove him crazy, he couldn't handle I was pretty and got loads of attention, I made HI on edge. He have recovered now, his father died and he inherited everything and started over, good for him, but he says I hunt him like a ghost, he is few years older than me and still not in a relationship and won't get married. He says he loves me still and hates me for it, he is so angry that I left him and says he will wait, he says he knows I will go back tohim.Crazy how he phrase it, that no matter what we will have to stop at one point and find each other.The last thing he sent me was, until my hair goes white and your teeth fall down I'll wait. I've missed you and when you are ready, my arms are open for you, to rest, to finally forget the pain.Sad thing is, with everything good in my life, he is my deepest pain, my deepest secret yet my ultimate truth.I can only say, love can come in different types and I know our story could have ended differently or if we were stronger we would have made it work or die trying but we didn't. I didn't and years on when everything is fixed, when we are back to our ourselves, I choose willingly to be with my husband and family. But I know, when I feel like I'm old enough or I'm going to go , I need to be with him, if only after a log happy life with my family I can also willingly give him my soul, my forever, this life is not for us bit who knows, if their is such an eternity I will choose him.F.. I love him so much still it's crazy I don't run to him, close my eyes and sleep for once for real, good sleep, where I don't dream of missing him, where he is just next to me completing my very existence.Did I get you confused ?I'm confused too, I feel like leading a double life, my body is in a location while my true heart is ripped out and pulsating in his hand.I'll leave it at this. Talk me through theaboveand help me clear out my head.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 March 2017):
 A marriage is never going to work based on lies and deceit. You practically are living a double life in your head. You build a marriage on a lie and you will need to live with that lie for as long as the marriage lives. If your heart belongs to your ex then go, allow your husband to be free to meet someone who will give him their all, let him be their love off their life and also allow your husband to be free off a marriage that he doesn't know is based on secrets.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2017): You are suffering with something called 'trauma bonds' or 'betrayal bonds'. More professionally known as 'The Stockholm Syndrome'. When we are abused by someone, strangely, we form much closer and deeper bonds with that person than we would with someone we are in a 'normal' relationship with. It doesn't mean that those bonds are really what we need. That your memory is false and all that abuse didn't happen. It is a psychological phenomenon that happens during abusive relationships and it goes a long way to explaining why they are so hard to leave. He STILL has a hold on you after all this time, because you are still letting him into your life. Allowing him to send you these messages, which gives you the perfect chance to glorify and idolise him. He is away from you and unable to hurt and abuse you, so he is reminding you of his charming side, his winning side, the side of him that you fell for. I know what I'm talking about by the way. I have been in three abusive relationships and the last one is someone, four years on, I could still miss if I allowed myself to. But I have decided to not let him ruin my life any more than he has done already and despite his repeated attempts to 'hook' me again, I shut him down. They are not good news you know. Look at how he is eating into your happiness and he is not even with you. He is managing to worm his way into your thoughts and heart through the holes that you are leaving open to him. Because it sounds to me as if you are enjoying glorifying what you had together. I really don't doubt that the good times were the best. But remember the bad times. And REALLY remember them. And if you did return to him, he would be congratulating himself on the fact that he never lost his control over you, his hold over you ....and the abuse would begin again in earnest. Read about 'The Stockholm Syndrome'. Very interesting reading. This 'hold' that abusive people have over others who allow it, can last for years, decades even. Realise that what you are wasting your life on, is a fantasy of the worst kind. Did you know that if you were the leading force in breaking up your abusive relationship, that your partner will stop at nothing to 'win' you back, so that they can be the one who ends it? They want to get you to fall back in love with them, trust them and then they drop you hard and in the most hurtful fashion that they can, because they want to be the one calling the shots?Imagine your ex, sleeping with other women, being with them and interested in them, and you are his 'hobby' on the side, that he likes to play with, like a cat plays with a mouse. 'What can I send her today that will make her pine for me even more?' he's thinking. Then goes out to find some woman to shag or play with. He does not feel this overwhelming true love that you describe. Abusive people are not capable of it. At best, when they like someone, they want YOU to take care of their needs. That's all. Please wake up from this nonsense. I can see why you were very easy for him to manipulate. Don't get me wrong, I know he was the best man you ever met. Suited to you in every way. That's how they make you feel. They're very clever. But it's all smoke and mirrors. And before you think I don't understand ....I do. I've been where you are. I want you to wake up and realise what he's doing. He isn't sitting there, on his own, wringing his hands and missing you. He's playing you. Read about abuse if you haven't already. The best book I can recommend is 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. This will at least jolt you into remembering the shit caused by him on a daily basis, but will also hopefully make you realise that the dream and the drama that you are allowing to ruin your life STILL, is just a load of crap, peddled by a man who will ruin your life as long as you allow him to. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2017): I also suggest you get counseling. It sounds like you have real issues with being vulnerable with your relationship. Has your husband never asked you about your past relationships? How does he not know? Or have you just lied and not told him? Either way, I think that kind of past is important to share, because otherwise he doesn't really know you... it seems to me like you weren't vulnerable with your husband, and that's why you don't feel as attached to him as your previous lover. Try to let your guard down with your husband. He'll still love you despite your past. You're attached to your previous lover because you let your guard down and allowed yourself to be vulnerable, and he kind of abused it, but it's the only attachment form you ever knew. You didn't want to feel pain so you closed yourself to being vulnerable with others who could actually be good to you. Give your husband a chance and be vulnerable with him. If he's not ok with your past then you've still made progress being yourself and being vulnerable. But I think he really loves you, and this will create a healthier attachment. What you had with your previous lover was unhealthy attachment. Anyone that says they'll wait for you until they die is not normal... who does that? Ask any of your friends and AT MOST maybe people wait a few years... but their whole life? Geez. Barf. That's why movies like "the notebook" give people unrealistic expectations of love. I wouldn't want someone that will "wait for me" until they die. It's the most unromantic thing ever. It means they don't respect me and my decisions to not want to be with them, it means they won't take no for an answer, and it means that they need to grow up and move on with their lives.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2017): I am just attempting to make sense of your post. If you are thirty, and your now married with children for at least four years, and you had an affair spanning 15 years with this other man, who is older than you, the only conclusion is that you were a mere child for many years of this relationship and if he was a navy officer, he would be considerably older and therefore your abuser, not our equal at all. If this is indeed the case, You have misguided loyalty to him because of the trauma you have experienced at his hands and actions. He still has this hold on you... because you are not fully mended or see this relationship for what it was- a grown man and a child. I would suggest out actually get some form of counselling because this all sounds very trauma based and nothing romantic at all
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (21 March 2017):
 Yes it is terrible to have that sort of ache inside you. However from the outside I can say you are romanticising your old love. It wasn't that good. And if it were, would it be like that again?
Romantic love doesn't last. The sexus is replaced with the eros. You have moved into a different kind of love with your husband. Stop tormenting yourself. The past is just that.
We all have memories of a love that seemed all consuming. The trouble is it just doesn't last as you found out, and now you want to go back to see if you can recover the same feelings.
Darling it's over. It is like trying to regain your youth.
Look back on life only briefly - and smile as you do.
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