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My husband is on dating sites looking for casual sex! What should I do?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 April 2007) 16 Answers - (Newest, 27 February 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Dear cupid i have just found out that my husband has asked for casual sex on the internet dating sites, i am shocked to discover this as i know our sex life was not very active at the moment but i didnt think it warranted this kind of behaviour!I am not a prood by any length but hes also put his photo on there as well as his postcode etc. i have asked him why and he says through boredom, why couldnt he talk to me first, he has destroyed my life and that of his two children who dote on him aged 3 and 9.Please help i dont know what to do last year he phoned sex lines and his mum bailed him out of debt with the bank also he had one night stand two years ago!! He says hes sorry!

View related questions: debt, one night stand, sex life, the internet

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A male reader, Baddi Israel +, writes (27 February 2011):

It's very simple. Stop being a boring prune in bed and give him more blowjobs and spice up the sex life.

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A female reader, Lockheart United States +, writes (19 November 2010):

I was reading all these situations and am having a similar situation myself. My husband and I have seperated a couple of times, but only for short term (like a couple of months)due to past infidelities and pot/drinking addictions. We have been back together for 18 months now and I am 8 months pregnant. We got into an argument and briefly discussed seperating. The next day we realized that is not what we want. We want to be a family. But my husband randomly started talking about having a three-some, but not in a joking manner. I was appauled. I would never want to see my husband having sex with another. plus it hurt that he is still actively wanting to have sex with other woman. I asked if he ever thinks about other woman while we are having sex and he said "yes", but not all the time. OUCH! Then the next day I found out he went on to craigslist and posted an added for a friend with benefits. When confronted, he said he deleted that and never responded to any responses back. I dont know what to do... Please help?

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A female reader, clueless or not United States +, writes (28 December 2008):

So yeah, great christmas, online sex sites, strip clubs, found condoms (he thought they were mints...), great christmas, same thing hapenned to me. Has any recovered and saved their marriage and bettered their marriage? Then email me and talk to me. And I like sex, and I do fun sex acts, I am crafty, in another life, I was a hooker (I never was, but you know what I mean), so I don't get it....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008):

I believe my husband is also having an affair(s) on me using online dating...match, e-harmony, adultfriendfinder and who knows what other sites! When we were dating, it was internet porn. I guess I should have not made such a big deal about that compared to this! In retrospect, the porn was fantasy, but these sites are real - right in your city. He can hook up with someone right in our town! I'm sick to my stomach and don't know what to do. This is my first marriage, and i know in my heart I don't deserve this, but I'm not ready to be divorced. Feeling for all of you, Torn

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007):

Hi there i am sorry for all the pain the inernet is causing all of you but there is always a place to find cheaters other than the net i am not married and not that good looking but i have no trouble finding sex partners the sad thing is 9 out of every 10 are married and seeking sex on the side so i have to say that women do it as much a women but i find that women are just a whole lot smarter about it thats all.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007):

Men do this sort of thing. He will not be able to explain his actions satisfactorally so ask him one quetion. Would he ever do it again. If he looks away with his eyes even for a microsecond he is lying. he will look away.

Start planning to move on in the relationship.

I cannot say bin him- that is up to you. He has broken the bond of trust so where else do you see the relationship going ? Add to this his previous "errors" and you may wish ta ask yourself why you are still with him.

Anyway good luck for the future.

Jonw505

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007):

My husband did the same thing and it almost destroyed me and our family..First you need to realize this is about him not you..He is lacking self worth and self disapline. He is acting very selfish and disconcerned about his actions. He does not respect himself, there for, he will not respect others. If you choose to stay in this and try and fix it...please know you are in for a long ride. Dont lose yourself in this pain...show him and others that you are a beautiful, strong and loving women. Dont faulter on other lack of strength...This is what I did...If he wants to act like a child than I expected his actions to be just that. I treated this situation as if he was a 5 year old learning how to ride a bike. I watched him and confronted him with each attempt to go off the path.. sometimes he feel..but I was there to help him up..Evenually he learned how to ride the bike....My husband learned how to love me and respect me. But he also learned how to be a man. and love himself.

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A female reader, HonestBlonde United States +, writes (2 May 2007):

Sad! Sad that the internet is ruining so many marriages!

My husband is back on dating sites (match.com) and also member of newbienudes and frequents thehun.com.

Last summer I caught him (via using spy software)on adultfriendfinder seeking out women there. Course when I confronted him with the pictures of the sites he visited he denied it and became defensive as is usual when a man is cornered when caught telling a lie or cheating.

He doesn't know yet that I found out a couple days ago he is back on those sites.

We've been married 2.5 years and he is my second husband. First husband of 20 years and three daughters later cheated on me with best friend. Divorced his arse. Met and fell in love with my new husband even though I knew he was seeing other women when we were seriously dating.

Why does he go to those sites? I have no idea.

I have more of a sex drive than he does. I want it 24/7 and he is perfectly content with a quickie once or twice a month and treating me like a blow up doll....

I do feel bad for all the women who have to go through the traumatic emotions of finding out their husband is lured into online porn, etc. It's the cause of more divorces today than anything else.

Men don't understand how their online porn activities hurt us women. It's degrading to us as well as insulting and humiliating to us!

My advice is to go seek a counselor/therapist which is what I'm going to do as soon as I collect more 'evidence' of his ilicit activities on the net.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007):

It sounds like these sites are addictive to some people.I have caught my girlfriend sending young men (20 years her junior)pics of her bits. Caught her on a flirt text that can go to your mobile. Now after all the trouble we had,she`s now got herself registered at swinging sights and actively browses them. I`d advise you to do the same as me and get rid.

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A female reader, Keria United Kingdom +, writes (25 April 2007):

It's always about the man isn't it... It always the bad man. The sooner this good old world realizes that sex and love are two different things, the sooner it will be better for all.

I'm very sorry you are feeling so terrible, but you do need to consider that a man can love you very much and still have sex with another woman... a woman whom he has absolutely no love for at all.

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A female reader, elsie United Kingdom +, writes (25 April 2007):

elsie agony auntyouve got to get rid of this man.he hasnt changed and hes done it all before.what are you waiting for???i get the impression hes not even bothered about how all his crap is affecting you or the kids???he should have been on his knees begging for forgiveness.have you let him back too easy when he upsets you.are there any consequences??or are people always around who will bail him out?hes a lying,cheating sneaky s***bag.i dont think he sounds like he,ll ever change.do yourself a favour and make a trip to your solicitor as soon as possible.add it all up where has it got you?just loads of the same and there,ll be more to come.you will survive.

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A female reader, accused United States +, writes (25 April 2007):

accused agony auntI can totally understand the "scratching her eyes out" part! If I didn't live in Tennessee I'd take you over to her house MYSELF!!!!! Seriously you don't need this kind of drama in you & your childrens lives.... If your husband wants to waste his life on some chick that doesn't care enough about herself then to charge men to listen to her moan on a telephone line then leave him... which is easier said then done! But how much more should you take from this man? How many more times is he going to be bored? or say he is sorry for cheating on you! It seems to me that you already know whats up with this one...... I do wish you the best and please feel free to email or keep me posted!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007):

hi there well its 3.30am and i've just discovered my husand has been having an affair behind my back. i am absoulouetly devestated, can't stop crying etc. we have no money worrys or sex issues so why? at the moment i want to find out where this woman lives and scratch her eyes out. what am i going to tell our 2 sons they idolise their dad. if u feel u want to share your emotions with me we can help each other through this. would u like my e-mail address?

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A female reader, Terese United States +, writes (25 April 2007):

Divorce his ass!! Take him for what you can. He has crossed the line more than once and there is not enough apologies to fix his bad behavior.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007):

Wow I sure hope there are some answers to this one, I am in the same boat and I am ready to pull every hair out of both of our heads. They must think life is a joke. Well I for one am so upset I do not know where to turn, but by god, I am not going to let this ruin my life for another ten years.

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A female reader, mcbirdie United Kingdom +, writes (25 April 2007):

mcbirdie agony auntI am so sorry that you are going through this. I know it must have felt like a horrible betrayal to discover your husband on these sites, because it WAS a horrible betrayal.

I am concerned about the history of this behaviour. A man using sex lines until he has amassed a debt that he needs his mother to bail him out of--especially when he has a wife and two children--is a man with a deeper problem. When you confronted him and he said he was sorry, did he follow-up by removing his profile? Did he promise to stop his behaviour?

My suggestion to you would be to broach the subject of getting into couple's counseling. That your husband is ready to start looking for casual encounters behind your back, rather than talking to you about his needs, is a concern. If you are to survive in this relationship, you need to get to the bottom of his sexual issues and learn to communicate within your relationship. It isn't just about sex--this is about trust and respect.

I wish you the best of luck.

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