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My husband is moody, abusive, controlling and hates my daughter! What can I do?

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 April 2007) 15 Answers - (Newest, 2 February 2010)
A female United Kingdom age , *olfspirit writes:

hi, i need advice, my husband of 1 1/2 yrs but been together for 3 1/2 yrs is a control freak,moody,and a very quick nasty temper(doesn't hit all verbal) when we meet he knew i had a teenage daughter which he got along with, now he hates her and tells her to her face can't wait for you to move out at 16yrs old,he gets mad over everything then doesn't talk to you for weeks at a time, doesn't want me to go anywhere with or without him,i have to everything for him even if i'm sick but never has to do a thing for me(he says), he fogot our 1st anniv., won't give birthday presents and told us last christmas last time we have christmas in this house its a waste of money and time,he has taken and used all my money now i have nothing,i even gave up everything i had including the rest of my family to move to his home country now i feel stuck here because of the money, i will take any help

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010):

I have been through this, and I lived in total disbelief as to what was truly going on. When you say your husband is jealous of your daughter, and won't let her go anywhere or do anything, you can bet that he has unfather-like feelings towards her. Step-fathers who act unrationally like this, have sexual feelings towards their step-daughters, I'd bet you everything I own on it. I didn't notice it at first, but I did notice how he was always riding her about anything and everything, I mean to the point of her crying, her grades slipped, she became bulimic, went out of her way not to stay at home, etc. She eventually came to me one night crying, afraid of getting into trouble for telling me what was going on. He had been touching her and she was afraid. I would never have suspected my husband of anything like this. Get with your daughter, and have a heart to heart with her, find out if your husband has been doing things while you're gone, or while you're asleep. If he is, leave him, or beleive me, you will end up losing your daughter. Don't wait, and don't ask him, because no man, is going to admit to anything like that, it's a certain prison term. Trust your daughter, and let her trust you. I have been through this, and I have a lot of regrets as to how I handled this situation, don't make my mistakes.

Good luck with her!

God Bless

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010):

I would first find out what is wrong with me versus HIM.

You have children they are FIRST. The mobile that spends around and around is unbalanced. You have to be very, very strong. Get out. My mother stayed married to a man who beat her for 17 years. She stayed for the money. Now her kids have grown and left. The children are innocent and had no say so in who you chose to come into their lives. You must love you and OMG your child. A man cannot ever give that self-love you need. Learn to love yourself, when you finally love YOU--you'll think--I would never allow somone to mistreat me--NEVER, nor my child. Your getting use to the abuse....its like a drug. "Just because you tell a bull in a bull pen, I'm a vegetarian--doesn't mean he won't eat you--he doesn't care." This person is sick as you are too--you were attracted to him. Get well, love yourself---get out, now. You can NEVER amke someone love you, or be good to you--its jsut there, if its not, dig deep into your soul and walk out. The happiness will come.

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A female reader, katheriner United Kingdom +, writes (5 January 2010):

I am in the same situation i am married to my second Husband and have a child from that marriage who is four months old i have a five and seven year old from my previous relationship who my Husband makes it clear he detests, I want to get the courage to say its over but he has broken me doem so much its hard to get it. I love him but realise i dont know why anymore there is a website you may find helpful its lisa e scott its all about him have a look it may help you convince you its not right i keep fingers crossed for both of us to find the strength to leave.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009):

I just divorced a mean controlling and verbally abusive man just like described in many of your questions and answers. I stupidly thought because he hadn't hit me that things would get better. It doesn't! It gets worse. I would advise any woman who is being forced (whether it is verbalized or not...you are smart enough to know it) to choose between her own children and a mean husband to throw him away like the trash he is. Mine was nice to my daughter at first, too. Not as great with my son but I thought it was because he had trouble communicating with him and thought that would get better. It won't. It didn't. After the marriage, he began to show extreme jealousy of my son. Perverted jealousy that absolutely made no sense. He wasn't as jealous of my daughter but I soon noticed he couldn't wait to get her out of the house. I would warn any of you who are still in that denial or naive stage: don't put up with this shit. Leave! Get protection and stay away. They are out for themselves and they only want to isolate you from everyone else. It is abuse. Don't question it like I did. Get away while you are ahead. No material thing is worth staying with them. Get your children's hearts, hands and respect back. Mine were beginning to think I had lost my mind by letting him control me. Get out! You people saying "he doesn't hit me"....newsflash: Either he will or you will end up hitting him out of pure frustration! Get your life back. It is the best thing I ever did. I still fear him but I have a DVO and protection! My friends and family don't trust him so if he was ever near, they would be with me until they knew I was safe again. Stop covering for these monsters. Expose them and get your family's protection.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2009):

I have a 14 yr old daughter who my husband has labeled selfish, lazy, and basically he could care less if she moved out. Before we married they got along great but ever since she refused to call him "daddy" he has been awful to her. He don't even want our other children around her. I have never had to discipline her much at all because she has always done what she was told. Teachers and other family & friends always bragged on her. He don't want her going anywhere or doing anything and makes me feel guilty if I let her or buy her things because he thinks she is undeserving. She is expected to speak when he enters her presence but he hardly ever speaks to her. She can't talk on the phone to her friends without lip or lay on the couch because she has a bed if she's tired. He makes her eat things I have never made her eat. He is just overall a tyrant and she's not used to that sort of discipline from me. She a good girl that's makes excellent grades and keeps her room clean and does her own laundry. She has developed nothing but hatred for him and he doesn't think she has a reason to. Her real dad was never apart of her life and my husband thinks she should bow down now that a "father figure" is around. Can anyone relate to this or comment?

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A female reader, ruby4u United States +, writes (9 November 2009):

You will be fine with your own flesh and blood. She will be your family for life. need i say more?

He has come into your lives and it would be a positive thing for him to make it work.

My 16 year old is very unhappy here with my new husband as of 8/14/09. She HATES him and he does nothing but discipline her and complain over this and that. Fight with her at the dinner hour. She did not even get a card for her 16th birthday and he says he wants her out of the house. This is driving me crazy, I am in the middle here and have another daughter age 15. What does this seem like to you?

He has 2 $50,00 dollar life insurance policies on my girls, I am very sickened by the whole ordeal over here, I feel he should be doing something to make her like him, NOT discipline her.

She really hates him more and I am miserable.

I am very close to moviong back into a very small as in tiny small apartment and just getting away from him. This to me seems cruel and weird to see a man that earns 200,00 a year and is 58 years old carry on and fight with a gorgeous 16 year old girl who goes to a private school and has her grades dropping.

I sometimes feel as though he wants to see her become a failure and have hang ups. why would he call he names and fight with her?

Any clues out there? Does this sound familiar to you?

I come from a family where my parents were married for 68 years. My mom cared for my dad when he became ill for 15 years in a hospital bed at home.

We did not call each other names nor did we fight like this.

I am not used to being called names and it is not ok for my girls to be called names by a grown man.

We signed a pre nup.

I am mostly moved in to this house now. Our belongings need to be settled in yet most is her now.

He says GET OUT IF YOU ARE SIDING WITH HER.

I just survived breast cancer, I do not need this. My life this past year has been one nightmare. I feel as though I have been lured into this marriage here for some reason otherwise he would be reaching to my daughter " What is wrong?" "what can I do?" instead of pushing her .

help

Ruby4u

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008):

I understand your feelings. But you have a daughter to protect and your husband is an adult that needs to behave like one. Regardless of the problems your daugher might bring to the marriage, he is the adult here. If he truly loves you, then he must, if not love, protect your daughter. Please LEAVE this abusive situation, do it for your own dignity but specially for you daughter, she only has you to protect her. Maybe later, when your daughter is on her own you can work and re-constructing your live with him, alone or somebody else. Today I am doing the same. My husband hates my daughter and I am packing to leave the house and be re-united with my 16 year old daughter. He can kiss my ass. Please do the same.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007):

Please don't let a man disturb your peace of sanity, it is selfish of you to stay in an abusive and controlling relationship. Think of your daughter, seek for your family for help or friends. Your husband knows you are helpless, show strength

your daughter needs to see that you are a strong women and nobody should tolerate such awful treatment from another human being Do it for your daughter!!! Good luck!!!

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A female reader, asgoodasitgets United Kingdom +, writes (8 October 2007):

Hi i do so understand what you are going through i have a fifteen year old daughter whom my husband has barley spoken two words to since january if he does it is just to pick her up on every little thing. i hate my situation i keep thing it will change but it i am still waiting. he has an alright relationship with my son who is fourteen but he is adamant that my daughter is out of control when we sit at the table he blanks her as if she is not there ots got to the point where the kids won't even come in the same room as us i feel as i'm stuck i love him but hate him for what he is doing but feel i can't leave because he holds all the finances to everything. I do tell my daughter I love her and that it's not her but she hates me now because I am so weak I sit with jim every night as if i sit with them it makes him worse, I think my daughter hates me for not standing up for her but loves me to.

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A female reader, asgoodasitgets United Kingdom +, writes (8 October 2007):

Hi i do so understand what you are going through i have a fifteen year old daughter whom my husband has barley spoken two words to since january if he does it is just to pick her up on every little thing. i hate my situation i keep thing it will change but it i am still waiting. he has an alright relationship with my son who is fourteen but he is adamant that my daughter is out of control when we sit at the table he blanks her as if she is not there ots got to the point where the kids won't even come in the same room as us i feel as i'm stuck i love him but hate him for what he is doing but feel i can't leave because he holds all the finances to everything. I do tell my daughter I love her and that it's not her but she hates me now because I am so weak I sit with jim every night as if i sit with them it makes him worse, I think my daughter hates me for not standing up for her but loves me to.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007):

Hi i do so understand what you are going through i have a fifteen year old daughter whom my husband has barley spoken two words to since january if he does it is just to pick her up on every little thing. i hate my situation i keep thing it will change but it i am still waiting. he has an alright relationship with my son who is fourteen but he is adamant that my daughter is out of control when we sit at the table he blanks her as if she is not there ots got to the point where the kids won't even come in the same room as us i feel as i'm stuck i love him but hate him for what he is doing but feel i can't leave because he holds all the finances to everything. I do tell my daughter I love her and that it's not her but she hates me now because I am so weak I sit with jim every night as if i sit with them it makes him worse, I think my daughter hates me for not standing up for her but loves me to.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007):

I feel for you. I have a 13 yr old daughter who my husband argues about and gets in her face for every little thing. Makes fun of her and teases her when I am not around. He accuses us of being in Kahoots behind his back - being against him. It's not true. He's very controlling, verbally abusive. I am going to seek counseling for myself and I have prayer partners through the internet and by phone when a conflict or problem arises. Also, I stay in contact with family by phone. At this time, I don't tell them how mean he is, but just to know they are there for me and would accept me back if I ever needed help. My heart cries because I really want to be an example to my daughter. Thankfully she's stronger than I but I don't want her to go through what I'm going through. Just have an open line of communication with your daughter and constantly let her know how loved she is - how valuable she is and that obviously Dad has a problem and needs help. If he is crazy unreasonable and very threatening you must find a way to get out. Even get intouch with Domestic Violence agency to privatly place you somewhere without his knowledge and go from there. The man has the issues and this needs to stop - it's not a normal, loving life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2007):

Hun, you need to get out of this marriage. It is destroying you and your daughters life. She is too young to go through this. This is certainly not healthy for both of you. i am really sorry that you both have to go through this. End it as soon as you can.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007):

hi there i have to agree with the other post on here. although it can be very scary it will also be very liberating aswell getting your life back for you and your daughter. she is still only young and to be told she isnt wanted must be devestating to her and to see her mom going through this mental torture cant be good for her. i no its the last thing you want to do but go home to the people that really care for you. please dont worry about the money you can always get it back when hes not there to take it from you, what you need now is lots of tlc and loving from people who can support you and look after you. you need to be strong for you and your daughter now and show her that you dont have to be treated like a doormat that you can be happy on your own and just cause your on your own it doesnt make you lonley just a strong minded lady that respects herslf more than her husband did

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A female reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx United Kingdom +, writes (26 April 2007):

xxxsoulsistaxxx agony auntYou need to take your life back. Your daughter is more important than this man, and so is your happiness for that matter. You say all this bad stuff about him, I think you've answered your own question and you just want other people to help you along to go through with it. He's obviously taken a lot of your self esteem away and you need to get rid of him and get it back.

I hope you have the courage to do this, you don't just have yourself to think about now, there's your daughter too. You're not stuck anywhere, you can go home to the people who love you and start a new and happier life there.

I know it seems scary and really difficult to do this but I think you have to. You'll get all the support you need but you need to look within you and find the strength to take your life back.

Good luck

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