New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login224174 questions, 974093 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

My husband is mentally abusive and I just don't know what to do anymore!

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 February 2009) 26 Answers - (Newest, 2 September 2010)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have been on here before looking for advise about my mentally abusive husband. I will not list all of the horrific details again, even if I had the strenght to go through it one more time, I just don't have the will. This has been going on for several years, but the past couple of weeks have been especially hard.

About two weeks ago, my husband and I got into an arguement and he decided to quit speaking to me and he has forbidden me to speak to him. As a matter of fact he just completely ignores me altogether as if I don't even exsist. While this may sound like a blessing in desquise to some people, it has actually been the worst form of tourtcher that he has come up with yet.

You see, I am very, very far away from home and I have two children. I have nobody here. I do work, but there is just no way for me to pay the bills on my own. My check helps to pay the bills here and there is no way I could just pull it out and leave. It would take several checks for me to even have enough money to move, but I would immeditaly loose my job since the only car is in his name and I would no longer have a way to and from work. I work over an hour away and they do not have buses here. There would be no way possible for me to support myself and my children. Since he does not physically abuse me domestic abuse shelters would not help and even if they would, we could not stay there forever and when it is time to go, I would still have two children to care for, no job, no car and no where to go. Which brings me back to my point of why his recent behavior is so distrubing to me.

I have abusoluty no idea what his intentions are. I do not know from one day to the next if we are going to have a roof over our heads. I tried to talk to him about just this and nothing else. I told him that I did not even want to talk about our problems or working it out, I just wanted to know what he intends to do so I can somehow prepare myself. He told me to shut the f up and quit f-ing talking to him. I have been on the computer asking for advise, information and answers ever since. As far as I can gather he could have any or all of the following (he displays every symptom for every one):

mentally abusive / verbal abusive, ADD, AD/HD, Narcissist, BPD to porn and sex addictions

I do not know and I no longer care. I use to believe that I could help him, I can't even help myself.

People have suggested that I talk to him, get counceling and of course the number one overwhelming answer has been get out. It is for the numorus reasons listed above that I can not just up and leave. I have even had a few people coldly tell me that these are just excuses. While I think it is doubful that anybody would take the time to make suggestions to me unless they truly wanted to help, these are the actual facts of my life and tough love is not appropriate for every occassion. There are also some other reasons for my not leaving that I have not shared with anybody. I actually can not tell you if they are all recent or have occured so gradually that I have not noticed before.

I just recently noticed some changes in me, that I can not explain. I have lost the ability to concentrate on anything for more then 5-10 mins. at a time, I get hoplessly lost everytime I try to drive unless it is a direct route that I take every day, but even that is starting to get hard, I missed my exit comming home the other night and it took me 5 mins. to realize it, when I tried to turn around I got so lost and disoriented that is took and additional hour for me to find my way, I am starting to snap at my children, my work has gone completly to hell and when they find out just how bad it is I will be fired for sure, my neck and my back never stop hurting, my jaw is usually clentched so tight that I don't even notice it till it starts to hurt, my hands shake non-stop, my house is falling apart, I can't seem to remember stuff from one minute to the next, I hardly sleep anymore, when people speak to me I often just stare blankly at them - I can hear them and I know they are talking to me, I just can not make out what they are saying, it is very confusing to me, my blood pressure is through the roof, I have constant pains and tightness in my chest, I use to cry a lot, but now I can't cry if I want to, if I get real upset I vomit blood. (sorry for sharing that one probably tmi for most people), I can no longer visualize the future everything is just black.

Leave? I am barley functioning, half the time I feel like I am dying. I know there is nothing anybody can say to me or do for me, that is ok. I am going to ask for something that I have done many, many times for other people, but have never asked for myself. It is not just for me though it is for my children too. Please pray for us. I do not care if you pray for him to wake up normal, for us to wake up someplace safe or for perhaps a marical could occur and I could just wake up on the day prior to meeting him and this could be one of those "very real" nightmears that you just don't forget. Please just pray for our suffering to end, I feel like I am only holding on for my children, but I am quickly loosing my grip. Thank You.

View related questions: money, my ex, porn, sex addict

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, Oregongrl1 United States +, writes (2 September 2010):

There is so much i need to say to you and i hope & pray that it will give you a understanding! first of all they are not excuses! i understand where you are coming from so many people think aw just leave and i know it is not that simple. as far as vomiting blood i think you have created a ulcer for yourself, and you do need to see a Dr, and talk with your Dr, don't be scared be honest he or she will help you! you have got to start somewhere and when it comes time when you get out that report is on your side. and maybe he or she will prescribe you something that will calm you down and help you to focus and you will be able to handle things differently. you see i was in a very abusive relationship! for 13 yrs and i knew i had to get out and i did i lost everything but it was nothing i wanted to keep! my peace of mind was more important i left w/ hardly no money just enough gas money and i drove and drove to the nearest relatives house my father! and that was the best decision i ever made in my life! almost 9 yrs later and im very happy!!

it isn't going to get any better for you. do you have family you can count on? if so please call them and see if they will help you you need to get out of there get on a bus take your kids! you will be fine! he is a horrible person get your children away from him you see what it's doing to you can you understand what they are going through!

you wont have much at first but you will be able to lay your head down at night! and sleep so good and wake up the next day w/ a smile on your face because you too will have peace of mind! and you will also make better choices for you and your children!! anywhere is better then where you are at. but you cannot tell your children what is going on because they might tell him and that is your escape plan and anyway your children don't need to be involved just tell them when you are on the bus we are going on a vacation! please know that it is very urgent that you do this as soon as possible!! material things are not important you can start over and everything will be yours and what you have worked for you will be so proud of yourself and so will your children. there has got to be someone who will loan you the money and you got to have someone you can stay w/ until you get on your feet. please know my prayers are w/ you and your children. and when you make that move it is scary but you will feel a sense of peacefulness and freedom once you are on that bus!! i felt like i had my own life back and i felt so good about me it was like i was starting all over again and to know i made that move i felt proud of me because i was not going to let that man ever again put his hands on me ever! and no other man for that matter. go talk w/ a preist you have to know how important it is for you don't think about what you will lose think about what you will gaine. you are in my prayers!!!

Sincerely:

Oregongrl1

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010):

Hello I know what you are going threw,You must get away that is the only answer.Be strong for you and the children ask for help,family doctor, therapist,cal the police,but get

away from him,you will be a better person on your own don't take him back.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, GraceHope United States +, writes (16 August 2010):

I just found this as I was online looking for help and I had to say something, not sure if anyone will ever read it.

I am living the almost exact original post, except we have been living together for almost 9 yrs, we are not married, I have no children, but I am struggling to recover from a life threatening illness without insurance and no money, no job, no family, and no living friends in this country (and my few friends overseas, who I just recently told about the real nature of the abuse, blew me off completely, minimized everthing, said we'd work it out in a few weeks, and refused to be supportive of me, and now are not speaking to me often).

The man I live with and I dated for the first few years. I had more than he then, I helped him get away from his abusive family that he lived with, as they were supposedly taking advantage of him and treating him badly and he was desperate to move out, so I paid for almost everything, had the only car, high paying job, and all of my belongings as he owned not one thing, and we got an apartment. We had been dating a short while, but had been acuainted through a mutual friend before I moved to the same city where they both lived (not for him, for work).

He slowly has broken or driven away everything and everyone I loved in my life. It took 6 years of begging before he would buy a sofa or chair of his own. After 8 yrs he still refuses to even buy his own towels or linens or anything at all, apart from the dishes I forced him to buy this month.

He breaks everything important to me, and never replaces anything. He breaks things in ways that he says are innocent mistakes, but a normal person would never do. He came over to a stool next to me and crushed my glasses the other day and I can barely see without them, and I must wear them all damaged and I look horrible. I was beautiful and confident when I met him. I had friends, a car, a job, a life. I got really sick and had to stop working and he said he would pay bills, as we lived in a tiny place and he owed me and used all my things, and I'd done so much for him. He treated me like the maid and refused to clean up after himself. I thought I could tolerate that much, because he doesn't use drugs and didn't watch movies with blood, gore, or rape like most men like to do. He seemed sweet and trustworthy for a while. He started slowly eating away at my self esteem and at this point I feel suicidal and I can't look at myself in the mirror. I used to have long gorgeous hair and was thinner and had a sparkle in my eye that everyone would always comment on no matter where I went. All that is gone, my hair was a horrible blow, and I just seem to keep losing everything. I am trapped now, I am so sick, and when I almost died of heart failure, he just stood there, and then in the hospital, he refused to say one kind or supportive word to me the 7 hours we were in the ER, except to complain that he hadn't eaten and he felt ill from hunger and complained that he couldn't get immediate food. THe nurses asked me if I wan't help with abuse when he was gone, I didn't understand what they were getting at. He never comforted me, and I should have started trying to get away then, but I was totally crippled and bedridden without a dime and no outside help. I spent a year asking agencies of all kinds for help and was refused everywhere, help with my health care that is. He became horrible abusive after I got that sick, I needed help with things, and I couldn't clean house anymore, or manage everything, and he let the house become like a storage unit or trash heap, and would accidentally poison me by not washing out the teapot and leaving mold growing in it and then serving me from it. I got bleeding ulcers, 2 of them, and I fainted a lot and he would never call me an ambulance and would convince me to get back in bed. I was delerious, I ended up falling and breaking my neck. I could have died. I was in his apartment half paralyzed, not sure who I was, for months, and he never got me help, would not always feed me, and would often leave to go to bars to drink and listen to Irish music for hours on end when I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom alone. I got hurt as a result. Eventually I found help, a charitable holistic doctor, and I should have recovered after 2 yrs of seeing him, but because I am constantly forced to do way beyond my means in our apartment and life, I am always being reinjured. He refuses to help me do anything that will enable me to become independent, like showing me how to use the text messaging on the phone, or how to set up a laptop correctly that an old friend bought me (the friend got an inheritance and was about to pay for me to leave this man, when he died in an accident. Everything nice I own except for old books and dishes, my friend bought me before he died, because the man I live with keeps destroying my things and not replacing them). He has some kind of mental illness I know, because he can't balance his money and is always putting everything in jeapordy, every week is a new crisis and he always puts horrible stress and dramas on me when I could have another heart failure if I can't relax. He refuses to clean up or even more into our apartment. Everytime we've moved somewhere, he refuses to unpack. We have a shared cat that he won't clean up the house for, yet he scolds me and says I am a bad person for being angry around the cat and that I am making her sick or disturbed (because I started getting angry with him for treating me this way last year, after a long time of not having the strength to fight back).

When I was bedridden, he would verybally abuse me for not keeping the house clean enough and would punish me because he had to 'do chores'. He still does this to me, if he has to do any chore, wash dishes, clean kitchen, ANYTHING, he punishes me all day or week sometimes. He tells everyone he is helping me raise money to get medical treatment, but that is a lie, and he refuses to help me do anything to move forward or help save my life, yet he goes to other benefits in the Irish community to play music or help out to make it seem like he is a really caring person. He is very fake online on social networking sites, and he is now turning everything against me and he repeats or echoes the things I have said to him crying when he has been abusive, and he is saying that back at me like I am abusing him, and sometimes he cries when he does this, and then leaves the house and calls a female long distance friend who is older and he tells her that he is a victim and is being abused. He tells me that he has friends who think I am not sick, just faking it to take advantage of him. I have been forced at times to go stay in a dangerous dirty crack hotel or sleep on the highway in the car (with a broken neck) because I had to get away from him, the abuse was so bad. Once when I went to a motel for 2 days he threatened to kill himself and slammed his head into the floor. To this day he blames me for a bump on his head and says he doesn't need to help me raise money for medical expenses because he's not getting medical treatment for his damaged skull which is all my fault. Everything is always my fault: that they cut his pay at work and he had to get a second job, which he lied to me about and didn't to for one year, borrowing money and going into all kinds of debt whilst I was too sick in bed to know what was going on, and he even resigned a lease on the place we lived in at the time when it had become way too expensive, and blamed that on me also. He has never had a girlfriend and made me lie when we broke up, for years after, to not tell anyone because he said he couldn't handle the men at work joking that he was gay. I know he was molested as a child, not raped, but messed with by a man, but frankly, so was everyone I have every known, sexually as a child, and that's no excuse for abuse. I was really kind and forgiving and loving and tolerated all of his crap for half a decade, but when I was almost near death and he started becoming abusive like you see in a horror movie, everything changed, and I've tried to forgive and be loving, and he will sometimes say he's sorry and that things will change, and then he starts again. The past four months have been the worst of all, and I tried to leave, I have no where to go at all, no family, no friends, nothing, the shelter won't help me as he's not beating me and I have no children. I researched how to put my head in the oven 3 weeks ago. I have threatened him now with suicide if he didn't stop being so abusive to me, and of course, it had no affect. I feel like I am dead already.

I have developed self medicating eating habits which are putting my life at risk, and I hate myself and cannot look at myself in the mirror anymore. I have lost all of my friends, I am so strange and weird when I talk to them online that they don't feel comfortable talking to me anymore. The ones I confided in, two of them, one a lesbian from an abusive home, both didn't care, tried to make it sound like I was exaggerating, and almost blamed me for it.

I have done everything I can, I have an issue with my vision and have partial blindness a lot of the time, and I am forced to drive myself to the doctor's offices and everywhere because he is always off at bars and concerts drinking beer with friends. He always yells at me and says he has no time to help me or to even just move in to his own apartment because he works two jobs, which is all my fault, and he wouldn't do that if it wasn't for me. He makes me feel like shit for existing every day I see him, and he goes off and spends large amounts of time at Irish festivals, concerts, friends' parties, and goes bar hopping playing his drum and getting free beer. He stays out till 4 am drunk when he has a 16 hours shift of work the next day, when his day job company has completely fallen apart and he may go in any day and not have a job, and now he just took a paid vacation without telling me, to hang out with a band and go to a festival out of town, when he constantly verbally abuses me for not having enough time or money, and saying that I keep him up too late at night forcing him to talk about what's wrong, and that if he loses his job, it's all my fault also. Every time I try to work things out, he says that I am being abusive to him and he can't take it anymore, and he constantly passive aggressively suggests that he can't pay for the apartment anymore and I'll be homeless and lose my cat, the only unconditional love I've ever known in 40 years, or he passive aggressively suggests that he will kick me out on the street without warning. When I try to defend myself, he gets really ugly and he always plays mind games trying to make me feel crazy or rewerite what he has said or what I said. He knows I was abused in the same way growing up so badly that I went mute as a child, and I beg him to stop, and he just seems to get worse and worse and constantly says that I AM getting worse and that everything is my fault. Before we moved into this new apartment a few months ago, he had apologized for everything and admitted his problems and said he would see a psychiatrst. Then we moved, and it is like he has been possessed by a demon all of a sudden and none of those things ever happened. he always says I Love You to me in a sickly sweet way and says that he is only trying to help me and why am I treating him so badly. He goes on and on in that psychologically undermining way, gets really condescending about that he knows I'm in pain and just blames me for being sick etc. I have no where to go, One week I drove his car to Wisconsin and tried to convince myself to kill myself in a wooded area somwhere beautiful where my last moments would be of peace. I've never been suicidal ever in my life, not even as a child where there wsa severe violence and abuse, I've always been a fighter. I know he is feeding off of me, he is a vampire, but I don't know how to get away, and I'm too sick to go sleep in dangerous homeless shelters every night and leave early and walk the streets. I can barely walk some days, but I cannot get disability because I see a holitic doctor and am allergic to synthetic medication and refused a life threatening surgery, so please don't tell me to go get disability, it won't work. If I can just raise a few thousand dollars for more medical treatment, I can go back to work part time and slowly save up money to leave him, but I feel like every single time, no, I know, every time I start to get an opportunity to do something involving other people, like a writing job, or a new friend, or a chance to raise money selling something online, he will immediately sabotage everything so that I don't have a computer, or I can't see or don't have glasses, or he makes things insane so I don't sleep or spend all my time cleaning and miss deadlines....it's always when I start to improve, for years now. I wish I had a way out.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, wewon1 United States +, writes (4 August 2010):

Girl. I can feel your pain. I have been married to a mentally abusive man for almost 5 years. And my life is a living hell. I have 2 kids also,not from him thank God. And have been unemployed for the past year. He is always starting trouble in our household. He has a Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde type of personality. He does not interact with my children and never has.He doesn't have friends and doesn't want me to have any either.When invited to family functions,he always prefers to stay home.

I feel like a prisoner,with him being the warden. And all i want in my life is a pardon.He didn't start off crazy, It just gradually got worst and worst. When i'm working,He is on his best behavior. But when i'm not, all he talks about,is what he has done for me and my kids. When he gets mad he threatens not to pay the bills. He goes days without speaking to me.But at this point,that's a blessing. I hate him.And as soon as i get a job. I am out.I have always considered myself a strong person.But i have never come across a man like this. I could write a novel on all the things he has done to make me and my kids lives miserable. I have learned my lesson well.

He has me bent,But i refuse to let him break me. I don't have any family support and no friends to rely on. If i did, I would have been out of this madness a long time ago.You have to hold on, Be strong.You have too,for the sake of your kids.Pray for strenghth and guidance. Think things through,Plan your exit very carefully.Men like ours are very calculating and unpredictable.I'm here if you need a friend. May God Bless Us All.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Oregongrl1 United States +, writes (19 July 2010):

How are things going for you? i hope you are doing good! please let me know. i have been there in my life 9 yrs ago and i know it's hard for you but you must believe in you and know there is a better life for you then living like that. and it is one step at a time and you don't heal over nite! but the great thing is, every day makes you stronger and stronger and know no'one has the right to treat you like that. and w/ a Lil one on the way that is not a ready to be father but you can protect your child from that life!

and you will be one proud mother your baby will bring you so much joy and laughter with or with out abusive man well wanna be man! take care of you!

Best Wishes mommy to be!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Oregongrl1 United States +, writes (8 July 2010):

Do you think you being pregrant! was going to stop his abusive ways? honey, you need to know they do not change they are very cruel and hateful and they will torment you and make you feel like real small and like you are nothing and not appealing anymore. dam you just feel like shit and all alone and lost and sometimes like it's your fault and confused and you do anything to make him happy, just so it will stop. and then you also stay because you think he will change? honey, not even counseling will help him. they will beat you down to nothing your friends and family give up on you because you will leave him then for some sick reason you go back to him because he will plead w/ you promising you he will change or it's because they threaten you. iam just going to be as honest w/ you as i can be by time he gets done w/ you he will bring you down to nothing why don't you just say no more. someone who tells you your fat are you will never amount to nothing or puts you down is not a man he is a sick person! a real man is one who respects you cares for you who brings you medicine while your in bed sick who ask how your day is or you can go out shopping or what ever even with the girls and you can come home and tell him all about it and he will listen to you and smile or say im glad you had a nice time. wake up before it's to late get out!! and don't say there isn't help or you don't have a car the shelter or police department will pick you up call your family or a friend and don't look back i promise you when it's all done and you are alone to think for a couple of weeks you will feel peace and quite in your heart and in your life! and you will feel so good you wont have to hear the put downs the name calling and you will also feel real good when you start making your own choices, but you have got to give yourself sometime things don't change over nite! but even one night of peace and good sleep oh is wonderful you will have the whole bed to yourself and it's like oh this feels so good. your on your way to a good life for you and your baby don't be scared just know every step you take is a new life waiting for the 2 of you.

Best Wishes!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Oregongrl1 United States +, writes (3 July 2010):

I was where you are at now! a few yrs ago and iam very happy now found a wounderful man. im going to tell you something that i have never shared and it's up to you to believe it? when i was back east going through what you are now. my mother who had passed at the time i felt her presents and smelled her aroma all around me she knew i was hurting horribly and i felt like i was going crazy and losing my mind! and it was the last time she was around me for some reason i knew i had to get out and i did and didn't look back i went to a shelter who helped me to realize what i had in my life was not healthy and aslo the time away made me realize too the peacefulness i felt inside me. but when i was staying at a friends house on the river waiting for a spot to open up at the shelter! one morning i was out on the deck saying a prayer to god, and said please help me i don't know what to do and im a good person god, and im lost! i caught myself saying a name out loud and never knew this person i was saying mitch mitch, and i thought what a pretty name and i felt something and didn't quite understand it. so as my days went on didn't know what was ahead of me my sister showed up out of the blue and like you too, i lived far away from my family in a small hick town. but anyway i had just my cloths and pictures and my car an empty bank account and 140 dollars on me my sister said follow us and i said ok not knowing where my life was heading but i knew anywhere was better then where i was at and going down the road on a 2 day trip i was feeling so much peace it was a wonderful feeling hard to describe so anyway i left Oklahoma sold my car there and took a bus to Oregon. where my other sister lived and i knew i could stay w/ them until i got on my feet and one month later i was at home and my sister called me and said hey get dressed im picking you up i want you to meet soneone and of course i said no no no she said be ready bye. well to make a long story short i met him and his name was Mitch, oh and i got a bassett hound too name rufas i had lost mine back east due to the abusive ex now it's 9 yrs later we are still together and very happy. what iam saying to you sweetie, is life is good you are putting yourself through a mental break down please if you don't believe anyone please believe me (get out) i know it's not easy but what is, is having what you and your kids so deserve a healthy happy life it's waiting for you, you just got to reach for it and believe in yourself! call shelters get help run to the courts/ social services after you get in a shelter they will help you i would rather have nothing and start all over then have some sick man put me in my grave oh no noway your children are depending on you! (mommy) but you have got to be very careful in the steps you take and don't say anything to the kids because they are so innocent and don't lie they might slip and you can't afford that. and you will need counseling afterwards to almost recondiction yourself to a normal life because you don't know any other way. i pray for you and please pray too! but you will not get better if you do not take that first step honey, there is nothing wrong w/ you it's what hes put in your mind and has made you feel like you are nothing remember those are his words not yours truly dig deep down inside and ask yourself who you are and how good of a person you are leave him out of your thoughts! and i too can go on about my abuse so many horrible things that i allowed him to do to me but you see i don't look at it like that anymore you see i forgave him along time ago for the person he was you see he died last year!

Sincerely:

Oregongrl1

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Oregongrl1 United States +, writes (4 June 2010):

The one who left her husband, very proud of you because now you and your children will have peace! what some woman don't understand is you can do a seperation,

and let him prove 2 u that he has changed i mean really

changed! and hell by then you will already be content w/

your new life! and for the one who says the more she does

the worse he gets. it's because he does'nt want you to spread your wings and fly away, see we are suppose to need them and we aint no good without them when acturally it's them who need us because they are nobody without having the control they feel helpless and like nobody. so they will beat you down to nothing and don't care if they are hurting you. i dare any man to try and beat me down i dont need a man in my life! to make me feel whole nor do i need a man to take care of me i will work 3 jobs if i have too! and im not a bad ass it has nothing to do w/ being bad! it is wrong for anyone to mentally & phyiscally abuse someone they are not a man at least not in my book maybe a wanna be they are chicken shit Lil cowards! who pick on woman. you know it's our children who cannot stand up for them selve's

and is hurting the most (COMMON) wake up put them first get them out of that mess, and let them be children and enjoy their childhood not seeing daddy scream at mommy or hit her and call her names and be little her infront of them. my EX- one time took a belt and started going after our son calling him a Lil bastard! because we were'nt married and my son was so scared and his eyes was a big as silver dollars i went after him call it a reflex i don't care i beat the shit out of him! and got myself and son out of there and when and got a room. women please really listen and watch how he treats you and says 2 u it is not normal get out get out get out there are shelters theres family just do it i know you are tired and beat down and have no energy but thats what they do 2 u. do it while you are still young and can work and make something of yourself if you do, you need to file at the courts before he does and the social services, and let them know you are getting out because you can'not take it anymore and he is getting worse! and you and your children are in danger because if you do not file he will go first and have you're children taken away from you. they only use your children to get you to come back....

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Oregongrl1 United States +, writes (2 June 2010):

Honey,

I so agree w/ the woman who gave you advice whos husband has ADHD but treats her respectfully!! i don't think anyone of us can give you enough advice, in how very important it is for you to get out! do a seperation for now and show him you are serious and you're not playing around and try to deal w/ it out side of the relationship that way you can focus on you health issues and life! and make better decisions and choices and who knows after that you may never want to go back once you see how stress free you are and how good you start feeling. woman seem to hang on because they feel if they make the move they are going to lose him for good i say lose what? some'one who has no respect or love for you. and you know the only thing good can possibly come out of it and honey, and it is a fact, if you leave you will see through much clearer eyes (WIDE OPEN)

it will either straighten out or it will not and you have only gained everything if it does'nt and you have gained everything if it does think about it i mean really seriously think about it his loss you're gaine if he does'nt wake up. put you're shit boots on kick some ass stop feeling sorry for your'self and show him what you are made of.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Oregongrl1 United States +, writes (2 June 2010):

Dear Claire 101

You ramble on all you want too! that is what we are her'e for! they will make you feel so incompadent your cooking your cleaning the way you dress the make you wear they will say you look like a whore! the be little you so #1 you don't feel good about your'self and you wont leave them #2 so you wont have friends because you don't think you are good enough and so friends wont help you get out of the hell hole you are in. what could be more important for you to stay then to have you're own sanity and peace of mind! you say there is alot in the mix?? that we don't understand!

well then tell us to where we will understand. you know you have that baby in you're tummy and believe it or not it may sound morbit, but the baby is attached to you he can't touch you're child or try to take her or him away! iam just going to say it he is not a husband who says in the morning you stay in bed i will make you something this morning you rest or honey what would you like to do today or honey lets go out to dinner you look tired or rub you're back and feet who will ask you how are you feeling! or what are you thinking about who tells you about his day ask you about your day! it is not a healthy relationship and never will be. it is you're choice no'one elses to make it better! now you got me rambling on only because i care i have been there. and claire, it only gets worse when the child is born i promise you! there is a way out but it's up to you to take that first step and don't look back if i could show you my past and now my furture? there is hope and life! but you have got to be positive and know that you are a good person and soon to be mother. and iam speaking for all you women that are in a abusive relationship! actions speak louder then words and if it's not you he is going to do it in his next relationship to another woman. he is sick controlling mentally and physically i know i have been there iam not anymore. and if i can share my experience and help others i can only give advise, but the rest is up to you and let me tell you something once you are out of it oh there is no stoping you! you come alive and you are proud of who you are and it shows in your personality your appearence in your voice and you become a strong woman because of what you have endured and you wont go back into anything like that ever and believe me you smell them a mile away and this time you know the red flags and which ones to walk away from not run but walk with your head up!!

Best Wishes!!!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Oregongrl1 United States +, writes (29 May 2010):

Hello Everyone!

I too was in an awful abusive relationship for 14 years, and my family always remained worried about me and never gave up on me. it was i who gave up on myself by remaining in that horrible enviroment it is such a mind control as well as phyiscal. you end up seeing life through their eyes not your own, and your mood you never know what your day is going to be like until he comes home and we all know yep we wer'e having a better day until they entered that door and there is times when they are real sweet because they wer'e bad the night before so they make it up to you at least that was what i thought it's just all part of their game to have you up & down and twist you're mind and screw you up in your head and your life! they turn everyone against you making like it's you but we know! but you know why they think we are, is because we are still there. so i guess the men are'nt that bad? (wrong) and going to a Doctor, they use that against you in court saying see she is the crazy one shes seeing a Dr, not me. and it works i know i went through it and lost my son and guess who was right there to stick up for him his mother yep he was a mommys boy, and the last thing i said to his mother, i got one of those big big plastic baby bottles and said her'e this is for you get him off you're breast but the other word. sweetie's i was done when the man urinated on me in our kitchen and my son 8 at the time he had to his 2 friends sleeping over they wer'e in the next room he said mom why are you're pants wet of course i said i spilt a glass of water on me. and you know i went to get my pants the next day that man threw them away because he knew it had his urine on them and yes he denighed it. oh i could go on and on and on but to make a long story short i left him 8 1/2 yrs ago met a wonderful man ladies i mean a gentlemen!!! of course he won custody of my son his parents had money and they all brained washed him but hes 19 now so now. and the father died from drinking bad liver the same thing i tried to tell the courts and the judge acturally told me that he did not feel sorry for me to take my tears and mop them up on the way out the door. it was a vey small town in the shannendoah valley population of maybe 2000. but my son will figure it out? and i have never been so happy in my life! all i got to say is you know it's not a healthy relationship GET OUT if you don't think of yourself you have got to think of you're children please don't let what you think is love tear you're children apart they so depend on you they don't hurt you they just love you and look up to you and depend on you! there is help out there and the reason why you don't find it is because you are not ready to walk out that door? or you would have done been gone.... i left w/ my cloths my pictures and a check book w/ an empty account but guess what i did what i had to do i wrote checks all the way to where i was going and when i got there i sent money from my sisters bank to mine and closed out my account. you will find away believe me when you are ready!!!! but make sure when you have children you tell them we are going for a ride don't say anything to them before you leave because and its not their fault but they will say something. call it adventure one you never had before and don't look back heck what can be worse then where you already are nothing. good luck my prayers are with you oh and p.s. always let some'one you know and trust what your plans are just incase? oh Ladies, the color green to me was a pukie color now it's my favorite color you see because now i see through my own eyes i see mountains and trees forever and the beautiful rivers and the most beautiful feeling (PEACE) 4-ever happy we only live once!!!!!!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010):

Wow there is so much i want and need to say 2 u i too! was in an abusive relationship! and it never gets better please believe me. next he will use your kids and make u out 2 to be a bad mother. and take them away from you! if he feels that is tricks aren't working w/ you and see's that you are pulling away from him. and him not speaking to you is another deceteful way of seeing if you still care and he still has you where he wants you. you need to get away if you are a good mother and love you're children honey grab them up and go to a shelter they will help you get on your feet they are wonderful people and counselors!! and then you need to run to the courts and get temporary custody! before he does. the shelter will help you w/ that too! another trick they use is they will run to the social services and say that you are abusing you're children in most cases, i left 9 yrs ago and moved 3 thousand miles away

and met a wonderful man! i was'nt looking but there he was. and the man i was with died 7 1/2 yrs later due to drinking his liver gave out. he brained washed my son, and to this day my son who just turned 19 wants nothing to do w/ me and it breaks my heart! but i keep my faith and give him his room and maybe one day? please know the man does not love you. he is sick honey! and you are falling in to that same catagorie. it's never to late you are still young and know there are people who will help you. i think that you are not ready to leave yet? are you would know whats important and that is you're children. and i know it is hard and scary but the out come is very rewarding.if you have a car i would make plans for my escape and go over the border into the next state and get help!and find a shelter.

when i left i drove to Ok, sold my car there and got on a bus it was the most unbelieveable feeling of peace! i was making my own choices saying what i wanted too talking to who i wanted too doing what i wanted too. i wish you peace of mind mentally and phyiscally but always remember use your head too! and take the right steps. and please know that there are good men out there don't give up on you and you're children because he don't care hes not a man he is a abuser!!! GOOD LUCK & BEST WISHES!!!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, claire0101 United States +, writes (9 April 2010):

I never thought I would end up in a mentally abusive relationship, nor did I ever think (until now) that mental abuse is as bad as physical. My husband shreds me apart. I am 7 months pregnant, and it still has not stopped. I got laid off from my job in November, and he never lets me forget how hes the only one who contributes financially and that all I do is sleep and sit on my ass all day (not true, I can barely sleep at night time let alone during the day). Personal attacks everytime things arent his way- talking about my family, the way I clean the house, the way I cook (although he loves my cooking, he will constantly degrate everything I do to hurt me)...it just never ends. Swearing at me, making me feel about 2 inches tall. I truly do think being in this bad marriage and abusive relationship is karma for everything I have ever done, because its the most horrific feeling in the world- and now knowing I am bringing a child into the picture, I can only imagine how thats going to effect it all. I don't even bother to talk to anyone about it because all I will hear it to "leave him", "go to counseling" or "dont stand for it"- life is just too complicated to walk away--not that being in this house with him constantly putting me down is something easy to do, its just hard when theres so much in the mix. I cannot wait to go back to work and find a job after the baby- I cannot stand being treated like some free loader just bc I lost my job, I guess he doesnt realize pregnant women dont do well in the job market, seriously who would hire a pregnant woman (believe me, I went on a bunch of interviews, I know im not perfect but I know me being pregnant had something to do with me not getting one of the jobs). I guess I am just rambling on and talking in circles but my husband just left for work after last nights episode of him screaming in my face, telling me how worthless I am, and pretty much making me feel like the most pathetic human being on the planet. Since I wont talk to anyone about this, I had to let it out somehow. I prayed all night that at least for the sake of my child- somehow things get better- I grew up in a house where my mother was mentally abused (i guess you do marry your father, huh) and I swore I would never put a child through that- i remember the tears I would shed hearing my father degrate and abuse my mother and how to this day it still effects me...and I cant ever let my child live through it. Perhaps when I go back to work and have more options financially, I can get out of this horrible situation- but for now, please pray for me that it gets better...

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Tee Tee33 United States +, writes (15 November 2009):

Well you have to pray and make a change. I'm currently being metally and emotionally abused by my spouse. I have 5 kids and he puts all of us down. He talks to me like a child he curses and has outburts every other day and weekends. I cry all the time and the children become angry. I have been married 15 years to this man. Him and his mother have done horrible things to me. He always say that everything is the kids and my fault. I pay all the household bills and he see's it as nothing. I'm attending school he puts that down I'm going out of my mind he works in law enforcement and thinks he is a king. I too need to be more financially stable. The more you try the more they continue with their harmful ways. Please get support talk to people you can trust and save as much as you can and when it gets to tough to handle go ask family and friends for help because we don't deserve this and the children need to grow up in a healthy enviornment.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009):

My love get out of there now. I have lived in a similar situation for 24 years and all the time thought I was doing it for the children. I am now legally separated since my husband walked out expecting me to go after him and begging him back like I had done in the past. Believe me my children all grown up now were very proud of me when I said I was not going after him. Yes you may need the car but dead people don't drive and don't work. So what you need to do is ensure you stay alive. There are a lot of good people out there. You may be suprised to find some total stranger in your are willing to help you while you get your thoughts together.

Please take care of yourself for your children's sake. My thoughts and prayers are with you my sister.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, jamryajus United States +, writes (23 October 2009):

Hi, I am so sorry for what you are going through. My husband is very evasive towards me as well...it is so tough when you want your spouse to love you, communicate with you,and be your equal yet he could care less. If you would like some support please contact me at [email address blocked]. You are not alone and you are the decent,loving,and normal person here. Don't let him lower the person that you are. I took this abuse from my husband until I started having the same memory loss as you are experiencing...this is how we cope unfortunately. I now focus on taking control of my life and my two boys lives by trying to move on to a future that I can control. Protect yourself and make plans for a better future for you and your children even if you have to do this a year ahead to save some money up and get out.Focus on this dream and make it your reality. The one thing that I don't feel you understand is that you don't realize that normal people don't treat their wives the way your husband treats you. I feel that you are a very devoted and loving person. Wouldn't it be great to be with someone someday who treats you the same? You aren't alone,you have people who do care.

Linda

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009):

I am in a similar situation as you. I found this forum to look for help and answers. I have known my husband for 24 years and recently established informal marriage of 9 years (so that I would leave him alone). I am not living with him now because I'm in professional school in a city 200 miles from home. My husband has been unemployed for 10 years. He is in graduate school, he has been looking for jobs, but no one wants to hire him becuase of no work history. He is the most negative person and he blames me, his parents, and everyone else for him being unemployed and no job prospects because all of us has taken up his time by helping us. He says I not helpful and I exacerbate problems and his physical condition. He blames me for his ailments: Gerds and anxiety. In september of 2008, one of his "friends" asked for his help since her place had been supposedly burglarized she didn't have any place to go. He decided without my approval that she should live with him in my in-law's house until dec. Long story short, she was suppose to leave in dec, it is now feb 2009. When I ask him when is she leaving, he gets livid. This stupid woman maligned me by writing disgusting things about she and my husband and had the audacity to tell me that I am inconsiderate and causing my husband problems, and that I need to mind my own business. I have a difficult time writing down these things because it is so depressing. I can't eat and I can't focus on my studies because I am angry at him. He makes me feel so wrong about everything that I feel. Then, when I think about leaving, I feel guilty, but I can't take it anymore. But, yet, instead of me saying that to him, he says that to me. I think about hurting myself, but I know that is a stupid solution---but I just want my mind to be at peace. From the time I wake to the time I go to bed, my mind is just racing and thinking about this ordeal. I am tired.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009):

I am in a similar situation as you. I found this forum to look for help and answers. I have known my husband for 24 years and recently established informal marriage of 9 years (so that I would leave him alone). I am not living with him now because I'm in professional school in a city 200 miles from home. My husband has been unemployed for 10 years. He is in graduate school, he has been looking for jobs, but no one wants to hire him becuase of no work history. He is the most negative person and he blames me, his parents, and everyone else for him being unemployed and no job prospects because all of us has taken up his time by helping us. He says I not helpful and I exacerbate problems and his physical condition. He blames me for his ailments: Gerds and anxiety. In september of 2008, one of his "friends" asked for his help since her place had been supposedly burglarized she didn't have any place to go. He decided without my approval that she should live with him in my in-law's house until dec. Long story short, she was suppose to leave in dec, it is now feb 2009. When I ask him when is she leaving, he gets livid. This stupid woman maligned me by writing disgusting things about she and my husband and had the audacity to tell me that I am inconsiderate and causing my husband problems, and that I need to mind my own business. I have a difficult time writing down these things because it is so depressing. I can't eat and I can't focus on my studies because I am angry at him. He makes me feel so wrong about everything that I feel. Then, when I think about leaving, I feel guilty, but I can't take it anymore. But, yet, instead of me saying that to him, he says that to me. I think about hurting myself, but I know that is a stupid solution---but I just want my mind to be at peace. From the time I wake to the time I go to bed, my mind is just racing and thinking about this ordeal. I am tired.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (11 February 2009):

Great news!

I am glad you could do it and I hope the future for you is looking brighter.

Good Luck!! xx

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for all of you advice. He is out of the house now. It was not easy, but I did tell him that he must get help or leave. He does not think anything is wrong with him, so he left saying I kicked him out. I told him one time that I am his wife and I love him, but if he is not willing to get the help he needs to stop hurting us, then he has to go. We have not talke since.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, and_the_girl_settles United States +, writes (11 February 2009):

From one verbally abused wife to another. I already know! It took a good while before I finally found the strength to leave. Then let him run all over me throughout the divorce and he ended up with the house and our daughter after he convinced me I would never have either. We were married 15 years and I felt so tiny and inferior after the first 2 years. Once I left I found 'myself' again. When we were together he had me convinced I was 'crazy' and I seen doctors and was very medicated. I think medicated so I would do what I was told. Anyways, when we were apart I found happiness that I had never experienced. Three months after our divorce was final.....he talked me into coming back. Now my thoughts are evil and devastating. On the bright side (if you can find one) I'm back with my daughter and she's my world. I'd go through anything for her. One bad thing is she is now just like him and is beginning to treat me the way he does. So as hard as it is and I truly know what you are going through (I wasn't even allowed to work) think about this. Children act the way their parents do. My 10 year old took a swing at me not to very long ago. So, I'm back with him but I do have a job and I'm keeping it. And I'm standing up for myself more. But I can see alot of 'old' habits coming back already and we've just been back together 4 months. My post was probably not helpful but know you are NOT alone in the way you feel and what you are going through. I will pray for your sanity, strength and well being of you and your children.

Oh yeah, my husband (actually ex husband) is ADHD too but that doesn't give them an excuse the act like idiots!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2009):

Let us pray!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009):

I would agree with the answers you've already received, that things are to the point you really need to leave. While you will undoubtedly suffer further decline if you stay in that toxic environment, you will probably start feeling better and thinking more clearly once you are out of it. But you also need the support of someone as you seek to get out

People have mentioned some good sources for help. You might need to move in with family for awhile--or maybe even a family friend of your parents that your partner doesn't know--if you suspect you could be in physical danger once you leave. If your family or a friend can't provide housing, and there is not a shelter avaialble, have you talked to churches in your community? Some of their members might provide housing to folks like you in need. But if you are hesitant to go to a shelter because of pride issues, realize that in one of the major cities in this country, the first woman who entered the first battered womens' shelter in that city was the wife of a successful physician. She drove up in her luxuty car, and then she walked in wearing very expensive clothes and jewelry. She assured the director she had no money--asuming the director wouldn't understand. But of course, the director did. She knew that the physician needed his wife to look good to others, but he saw to it she had no money of her own because that was a way to control her--just as keeping someone away from family and friends is a way of doing the same thing. I suspect you might be facing that situation?

But still, is there some way you can contact your family--as uncomfortable as it might be? Otherwise, you will have to deal with social service agencies--or if they aren't around, you might even consider calling your local Cooperative Extension Service. There is one for every county in the country--and they tend to be connected to other agencies. See if they can refer you on to the resources you need.

http://www.csrees.usda.gov/Extension/ to locate the nearest Cooperative EXtension Office

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009):

You MUST contact social services in your county. Call your City Hall to get the number if you don't know.

They definetly will HELP you. They consider verbal abuse just as bad as physical. If all you did was give them this letter you wrote us, they would see the EMERGENCY of your situation. They would have crisis housing, mental help, food, all your basic needs taken care of until you can think clearly. They have programs for low-income housing, food stamps...you need to be taken care of and they will help you sort out your options. My one worry is the children. They might think you're incapable to care for them in your state of mind. But they must know, your mental state has progressed from living with this man.

Just assure them how well you take care of the children, and all that you do to make sure they are fed, clean, clothed, loved...

Is your husband the type that would get revenge if you leave? If so, then you need to be very careful. The people at social services will tell you what to do. Call for an appointment today.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (4 February 2009):

You must have some relative, friend. or someone you could go to with some kind of spare room. It doesn't matter if they are far away, sell your jewellery if you have to.

Get the kids, get on a bus / train / plane and go.

You cannot stay where you are or you'll end up suicidal.

Good Luck!! xx

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, lotus mama808 United States +, writes (4 February 2009):

lotus mama808 agony auntOoooooohhh, dear. You see, you really should have left a long time ago, and as a result of you staying this long, the abuse has caused so much stress it has become a serious medical issue for you. These symptoms are in fact serious, and you NEED to seek medical advice and attention. (I know because these are symptoms my very best friend has been experiencing. She just gave birth to a sweet baby with a man that has been mentally and borderline physically abusive toward her). Sounds like you have severe depression, and a possible perinial gland issue, but I am not a docter. Where is your family? Anyone who can pull you out of there and open their home to you? Staying is not an option, no matter what excuses you or your partner have. It is ruining your health, and without good health, you have nothing. Everything else will quickly fall apart without support from loved ones. Time to call some long lost friends or family. Suck it up, ask for help. Time to visit your physician too. Stop focusing on what is not now nor ever going to work and focus on you, your health and your children. And to be completely honest, no disorder is an excuse for someone mistreating their partner like that. My husband has ADHD, and he is very sweet, supportive and understaning. Perhaps they deal with it differently, but it is no reason for you to live with daily. Take some vitamins, and omega's for your focusing issue, and take acidophalis (sp?) to help with your digestive track, and SEE A DOCTER, pleeease.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "My husband is mentally abusive and I just don't know what to do anymore!"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.125!