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My husband is living with his mistress but says he loves me

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 October 2010) 13 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2011)
A female United States age 41-50, *njfb writes:

Hi. My husband has moved out and in with his mistress. He met her on facebook and had an online relationship with her for several months before meeting in person. I found out shortly after, but he did not end the affair and now lives with her, has been living with her for 3 months.

He is on work travel so she lives with him there, and his company foots the bills on housing, food, etc. He proposed to her and she accepted.

However, he still calls and texts me all the time, and says he loves me and feels we will be back together. He is in another state , and is always wanting me to come down with the kids to visit. Then he acts normal when visiting us, like all is well. He says he does not want a divorce when I mention it to him. He says he misses the entire family, including me. He has tried to break up with his mistress many times, but never leaves her.

I know it seems like I should just drop him and move on, but we've been married 20 years and have 4 kids together, one who's only 6 months old. And I do still love him, probably always will.

His work travel may end soon, then he'll be back in my town, supposedly with her. I told him if he does that I will file for divorce, because I cannot have him living with another woman locally. How humiliating and embarassing for me and the kids.

I know what he says are just words, and they don't match his actions. Just wanted to get some objective opinions and thoughts.

View related questions: affair, divorce, facebook, mistress, move on, moved out, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011):

I am in a similar situation as yours, except that my spouse has a long distance relationship with another woman. I learned about it after they have been for a while. We are 26 years married and just like you could not just let that go. I can relate to all the things you said. Him too could not let go any of us. The OP is willing to have the two of us for him but I could not. So, I finally decided to leave him when he could not decide. I have no intentions of divorce but wanted to do all I can to force him to drop the other woman. Wasn't sure either if it will be right to force him but I had no choice. It's either I live with him for the rest of my life with the two of us in his heart or live by myself. Either way is tough for me but I don't want to live miserably forever. Now, he is working on dropping the other woman. Hopefully, he stand firm on this and never go back. I think he is bothered by his guilt and husbands don't seem to have a choice either when pushed to the end.

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A female reader, Bee4ever United States +, writes (3 November 2010):

I'm in the same situation you are in right now but i'm the mistress. From my pov I'll tell you that my boyfriend told both me and his wife the same thing. I loved the guy and it was wrong to get involved with him but I finally had enough after a year of being dangled and I put my foot down which is what you need to do. I called his wife and told her she could have him and I walked away. I didn't take his calls, texts or emails after that no matter how much he begged. It was then that he finally decided who he wanted and filed for divorce. You are in a different situation since you have your children to consider but think about what you really deserve. Ultimately since the other woman doesn't know or doesn't care you need to end this. He will just drag it out forever otherwise. I ended up with the guy so I don't want you to waste another 20 years on a guy that doesn't deserve someone as nice as you.

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A male reader, Cerberus_Raphael United Kingdom +, writes (2 November 2010):

Cerberus_Raphael agony auntTake the choice out of his hands. He says he loves you and that is such an obvious lie, for if he truly did love both you and the mistress, he would not have ran to her so willingly, he would be tormented by the choice, most likely leaving both of you and spending some time or perhaps, remaining with you in hopes of making a choice. Instead he ran to the other woman in an aimless attempt of god knows what.

File for divorce and remove this man from your life. Make that 'choice' for him.

I hope that helps.

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A female reader, knjfb United States +, writes (2 November 2010):

knjfb is verified as being by the original poster of the question

He has told me he knows he should be home with his family and really wants to,but cannot "break away" from his mistress. I have spoken to the mistress; he lies to her all the time too and makes promises etc.

He admitted he loves us both, and would like to keep us both but knows he cannot, so I suppose he's just continuing with us both as long as possible. So selfish!

And when I ask him a question he doesn't wanna answer he simply ignores it or gets very hostile and angry, like defensive about it, but won't answer it. Then he gets very mad if I accuse him of anything, which is laughable considering he broke any trust we had, and he lies all the time.

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A female reader, knjfb United States +, writes (1 November 2010):

knjfb is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi all, thank you for the wonderful replies and advice. I will keep you posted on the situation.

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A female reader, Rosygirls92 Australia +, writes (31 October 2010):

He's full of bull. He reminds me of my own dad. Married for20 yrs wit 4 kids and has the nerve to knock up my mum wit a kid, leaving her preg n alone whilst running bak to his wife. Let me tell u I have no respect for jerks like him. So wat happened is that his wife was strong enough to leave him. She found another man and opened a restaurant and her 2 sons are getting married. Hun life moves on and u dun need a loser when u do. :)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010):

He's burning the cndle at both ends. Don't be a victim. He may very well, and probably does, love you more. But he is too selfish and self centered to know what love really is. He is not giving YOU the love that YOU deserve.

And how the hell is he proposing when you arent even divorced yet...thats just looney.

Get rid of him. I hate to see the kids without a father, but he is neither a father, nor a real man. Move on.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (31 October 2010):

CindyCares agony aunt File for divorce anyway.

I bet all you want that right now he is telling his mistress the only reason why they can't be married is because YOU are being unreasonable and clingy and refuse to give him a divorce and give him back his freedom, no matter how hard he tries to convince you....

He likes it this way. The wife and kids at home, in the background, as a safety net just in case. And the mistress right there with him, but with no title for legal and financial rivendications.

The best of both worlds.

Pull the rug from beneath him. You don't need to sweat it or to be revengeful, his mistress will give him enough hard time for both of you,hehehe.

Of course, that won't solve your emotional problems. You'll still be sad, 20 years of marriage down the drains is no joke.

But if you are a smart woman, you won't be sad forever, and not even for long time. Eventually you will realize what a pathetic clown you got involved with, and you will be glad you got rid of him.

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A female reader, followtheblackrabbit Cayman Islands +, writes (31 October 2010):

followtheblackrabbit agony auntThe fact that he can move away from you and dare suggest living locally with this woman where he can hurt both you and the kids shows me that he does not love you. He's trying to keep you on the line to come back to if things don't work out with this woman. I know you care for him but at this point, you have to think of yourself and your kids-my father ran out on us. At school, the parents repeated what they heard from their parents and one told me my dad would go to hell for being an adulteror...I had nightmares for months and never told my mom. Divorce won't solve problems but it will allow you and your children to keep your dignity. You'll love him always because of your children, but this man has made his choice, left his beautiful family and there will be consequences. Don't allow him that luxury of having both you and this woman...I wish you the best

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A female reader, kirra07 Canada + , writes (31 October 2010):

What you're husband is doing is the epitome of selfishness. He's married to you and a father of 4, but is carrying around and supporting a mistress. Then he wants you and the kids to come visit him and communicate with him like nothing is wrong? He's married and proposed to another woman? He doesn't want a divorce? So what, he's going to marry 2 women? Last time I checked, that's illegal.

Don't stand for that. Divorce the cheating selfish jerk and find someone who will treat you with respect!

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A male reader, Jmtmj Australia +, writes (31 October 2010):

Jmtmj agony auntI'm used to telling people that I think they are over-reacting- but you seem to be under-reacting to me. If you're not expressing to him how unacceptable this is then I can understand why he might act "normal" when he does see you. He seems to feel safe assuming that you'll always be there to take him back, that you will never divorce him... which he shouldn't, otherwise he would have left his mistress already.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010):

He doesnt want to break the ties just yet. Hes like a toddler taking his first steps with you there in the background, acting as his safety net. Hes hoping if things go wrong, you will still be on side to pick him up and put things back together for him. He has this luxury because he knows how much you love him. And you WILL be there for him. Telling you he still loves you is securing you. Keeping you in your place. Holding you back from moving on with a divorce and settlement. He wont want you doing that until hes sure this other woman is what he really wants. Its calculated to keep you emotionally tied to him. If he really loved you and the kids, he wouldnt have cheated, lied to you and left you all for someone else. Dont allow yourself to be used in this way. Drop the role of wife/security blanket. Divorce him and get a good settlement before he starts complaining that shes pregnant and he cant leave her. Protect yourself and the children. Hes a user and not worth fretting over x

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A male reader, Cerberus_Raphael United Kingdom +, writes (31 October 2010):

Cerberus_Raphael agony auntFile for divorce anyway. He should not be able to do this to you, dangle your heart from his fingertip. You have to leave him and let him live with his own choices, whether they were the right ones should not be of your concern. Your children need a better role model. It will not be easy. My father left me and my siblings along with my mother so he could run off in another country with some other woman. It matters not, I am glad he left and I am glad I was never able to see him as my father, now I see him as a teacher, the lesson here being that I shall not be what he is.

Your husband should be ignored by you and your children so you can start your own happy life. Move on from him and do not let yourself get hurt.

I hope that helps.

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