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My husband is into shemales

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Pornography, Sex, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 April 2009) 3 Answers - (Newest, 4 May 2009)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

The sexual relationship with my husband is almost non-existent. We have sex once or twice a month on average. He doesn't seem sexually attracted to me.

I tried talking to him about it, and he gave me a bunch of excuses, then suggested I should be more dominant. Well, I tried that, and it didn't work. I have to give him a blow job, and play with his butt, to get him, and keep him, in the mood. I began having doubts about his faithfullness, so I started checking up on his online activities.

What I found was shocking. He has been looking at shemale and tranny sex porn, and he has several profiles on sites like "find a shemale lover", "adult friend finder", and "passion.com". It would seem that he wants to find a shemale or tranny to have sex with.

If it was just the porn, I think I could handle it, but this is much more serious in my book. I confronted him about the porn when I found it, and he claimed that he wasn't looking at it, that it popped up while he was on a different site. So, I don't think it would help to confront him about the personals sites, because he would probably just lie again. I'm at my wits end.

His lack of passion for me makes me feel unwanted, unloved, and ugly. Now I have no interest, or desire, to have sex with him. Part of me wants to run away screaming, but the other part wants to stay. I love him, and if there's any chance of working this out, then I'm more than willing to try. Does anybody have any advice for me? I'd really appreciate it.

View related questions: blow-job, in the mood, porn, shemale, unloved

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009):

u know what! just found out my husband of 3 years is the same. he goes to these Shemales websites and Trinnys and i've discovered that he's on FindAShemaleLover.com. I did confronted him but he says he's not Gay but don't believe it, it's jus so wrong and i do feel betrayed big time. I do not understand why, part of me wants to cheat on him cos am so hurt but i do love him though i dont see us working if he's Gay. My heart is just torn into pieces.

Sorry this is not the answer u expected but i just thot i should let u know, you're not the only one......

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A female reader, twinkle123 United States +, writes (16 April 2009):

HONEY, let him go!!! he is gay!!! not that i have anything against gays some of my close friends choose that lifestyle, although, not only do you have to worry about him cheating with a woman you have to worry about both. Hey, if you like i love it. i understand that he is your husband and you love him but sweetheart, wake up! fantasies are fantasies but, when your married they are supposed to be enjoyed together, husband and wife, then whoever else. However if you plan on keeping this man who wants both of best worlds than i strongly reccommend you investing into a dildo, or two.

Blessings

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A male reader, NightLad Canada +, writes (15 April 2009):

NightLad agony auntHi there,

First of all, let me say that your feelings are perfectly normal. In fact, I commend you for your sense of restraint when confronting your husband.

It is normal and healthy for people to have sexual fantasies because they provide a safe release for desires we may never engage in during our real-lives. For example; a married man or woman may fantasise about a person other than their spouse, although they would never actually cheat. Others may indulge kinkier sexual fetishes they’d never dare try in real life, like BDSM. For some people (although clearly not a small number) this includes an interest in Transvestites; pre-operation transsexuals, who may have undergone only part of the surgery, often facial and breast augmentation.

I cannot guess the reason some people develop this type of sexual fetish any more than I can say why others enjoy being restrained in latex or wearing fuzzy animal costumes. However, I can tell you that the vast majority of transsexuals are just regular people, trying to live their lives despite the certain knowledge that they were born with the wrong gender. Their struggle for acceptance from their friends, family, co-workers and society in general is very real to them. The members of their community who turn their gender-identity into a sex-prop for money are not typically well thought of.

Without knowing more about your husband, I would hazard to guess that the line between fantasy and reality has become blurred to him. It may have happened gradually, or it may have been rapid. He may have been hiding this interest from you for years, or it may have started recently. Whatever the case, he seems to be considering crossing from fantasy to reality.

If he were a single adult, I would say that this falls into the realm of his personal business. However as a married man he pledged to be faithful to you, first and foremost. As hard as it might be, try not to be any more offended that he is fantasising about being unfaithful to you with a transvestite than with any other person.

Just as with any other spouse of an adulterer, no fault rests with you. From what you described it sounds as if you’ve done just about everything you could to appease his desires; certainly far more than others in your place may have been able to do. Please, do not think that you’ve personally done anything to encourage or prompt this situation.

Despite having said all of this, I cannot tell you what you need to know the most; why your husband feels this way. I think this is the underlying question you are struggling to understand. To get this information from your husband you will need to sit down with him and calmly tell him what you know. Explain that you are concerned for your relationship; tell him that you are being made to feel ugly and unwanted; repeat to him what you told us here. Reassure him that you don’t hate him and that you are just struggling to understand.

It is time for open honesty on both parts. Let him know that you know about the personals sites. But also let him speak; hold his hand, let him take his time. Remember that he is probably confused about it too, and my honestly not know why he is attracted to this type of sexual fetish. Either way, let him say what he needs to. Ask your questions as they come, but give him time to form replies.

If your situation with him is particularly strained because of this, or if you think he will clam up and not respond, perhaps you will be able to convince him to attend marriage counselling.

You may also consider visiting the Straight Spouse Network. It is a community for heterosexual people who find that their spouse is gay, bi, or trans. Although your situation may not fall strictly within those terms, they may be able to offer additional support or resources to you. That website can be found here: http://www.straightspouse.org/

I hope this helps.

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