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My husband is having an affair with MY MOTHER!!!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 December 2008) 8 Answers - (Newest, 15 February 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I found out earlier this week off a good friend (female) of mine that my husband was having an affair with my mother. She said that she'd seen my husband passionately kissing my mother outside a well-known pub and whispering into her ear how sexy she was, and the two of them were laughing at each other's jokes. She said she'd heard them say about the affair going on for the past 6 months.

I confronted my husband about this, and rather than deny it, he admitted the affair, and said he'd only married me so he could get access to her! He said it was an alcohol-induced passionate affair.

My husband used to be so loyal to me, and romantic and loving, but this affair seems weird to me. I thought I loved him, now I'm not sure if I can even trust him again.

Then I confronted my mum about this, and she said he made her feel "frisky as hell", and loves it. I asked her how it started, and she said it happened when having a few glasses of wine and that she loves him.

I feel so disgusted about this and angry. I haven't told my dad yet, as he's currently gone abroad to Canada to see an old friend of his.

How can I cope with this and what should I do?? (apart from maybe divorcing him)


View related questions: affair, kissing

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A female reader, tangerineblu Australia +, writes (15 February 2010):

Please listen to me as I had a husband who broke my nose and had to leave him. There are many many men on this planet and even if you cannot find another one for a while, there are plenty of good, descent people who you could establish friendships with. This is not your husband...this is a joker. You cannot make this work, he has slept with your Mother. And, your Mother, what kind of Mother would betray her daughter that way? It is disgusting and you need to leave or make him leave. Havve forgiveness in your heart, so this experience does not eat away at you, but do not accept him back into your life. The incredible news is that you found out the affair. You found the truth and now it is staring at you. You can stay waste your life trying to fix things, or you can do the right thing by letting him go. Letting him go is not hard at all. You know he is untrustworthy and blatantly used you to get to your Mother...they are both sick and need help. Don't enter into their world and try and figure things out. Don't waste life feeling hurt or miserable because these kind of people just don't get it. Don't let it lower your self esteem because it is not about you, it is about them. Get yourself into some counselling or read all about how to move on from divorce to support yourself. Be thankful you found out and release yourself of any guilt or burden. These people know not what they do and they will do it to no matter who they are with. Your Dad should need his support and he needs yours. Tell him how you found out and what your husand and Mom told you and tell him that you are sorry for breaking the news, but you didn't want him to be suckered. You are not responsible for other people's actions or behaviours...only your own. You will survive, there is always a blessing through strife and grief. If you are not a Christian, I urge you to get involved in a normal, healthy church pentecostal or other mild Christianity. Unless you are already catholic, do not attempt getting into these heavily religious denominations as they will add more pressure to you. Just a nice normal church who will support you through this difficut time. Yes, you will cry, yes you will grieve, but owe it to yourself to know that you will pull through this and one day have an amazing story of courage to tell someone else. Stay focused on you, your children if you have any and let yourself have emotions and don't back down if he starts charming you. You are worth so much more than this man...this coward who dare to treat you with so little respect. Your Mother will have to choose and if she chooses him, there is something wrong with her. She could have met him in a more appropriate way like before you married him...they are not in love. They are searching for something both will never find. Anyway, if your Mom wants a relationship with you, she will have to earn your trust back the hard way and it is her responsibility to do so. Don't get depressed over this as there are many parents out there who are very immature and don't fit their role as parents. It is not against are a lovely is about her dysfunction. Being a parent is a gift from God and you are precious...she is the one with the deep issues. God Bless and all the best.

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A male reader, Main Man United Kingdom +, writes (6 May 2009):

Main Man agony auntIf you haven't done already talk to your solicter about either a tral separation or a divorce. He has been unfaithfull to you with your mother. Who will it be next your sister (if you have any) or your girlfriends. Alcohol is no excuse for him cheating on you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2009):

Kick him to the curb, and your Mom , too. Some lines one doesn't cross -- this line isn't even close to center court. You're young: Find someone who will treat you better than this -- it won't be difficult to find someone who will treat you better than he did, at all!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 January 2009):

Honeypie agony auntWow, I would be super disgusted and get a divorce asap. No trying to work anything out. What an odd situation. I'm sorry you have ended up in it. Also I would pretty much stop talking to your mom, what a greedy woman, she's married but she snagged her son-in-law too?

There isn't anything for you in that relationship. He's a himbo with cougar tendencies..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008):

I can't imagine what you must be going through! To be betrayed by your husband, is devistating enough, but your own Mom? No ,No, No !!!!! Not even cool! There is absolutely no excuse imaginable that anyone, even at their best, would cover this one! I am sooooo sorry for what you must be feeling. Don't take this from him! They can't even begin to understand what they've done! Inexcuseable!!!!!!

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A male reader, a_decent_1 India +, writes (30 December 2008):

a_decent_1 agony auntYou said it.. !! If you ask ME, I'd say there is Just One solution to this.. "DIVORCE"

You Husband and Mom are nothing more than "ridiculous" (plz pardon my language) . You should tell your dad everything and Kick your Husband out of your life.

He's already said that "YOUR MOTHER" was the reason he married you.. So, Kick him.


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A female reader, samsmommy United States +, writes (30 December 2008):

samsmommy agony auntI think if you want to save your marriage(and if he wants to, which sounds unlikely) you definitely need to get some counseling first. But just the fact that he said he married you to get to your mom is insane, and if that's true, then you really have no choice but to divorce him because that means he doesn't love you, and it is worse to be in a marriage with someone who has no feelings for you than to be alone. And what is up with your mom? I don't understand how she could do this to you. It almost sounds like a joke because it's so twisted and wrong.

You can mend things with your mother, because you only get one mom and it's her. But as far as your husband, it doesn't sound like he wants to be with you and I know you asked what you can do besides divorce, but that's the only thing that comes to mind in this situation, that is unless he genuinely wants to stay married to you, which is doubtful because he cheated on you with your mother and then turned around and told you that's why he married you(whether that's true or not). But, if he does want to stay with you, you guys should really consider getting some counseling. God bless.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008):

I cannot decide whether your husbands or your mothers breathtaking disloyalty to you is worse. It is the cruelest of actions on both their part when the only people to hurt are members of their own family. It is truly disgusting and I am sorry you are in this situation. You need to tell your Dad immediately you can as it is better it comes from you than someone else. Your mother does not deserve any further 'protection'. You should be able to get a quick divorce and my immediate reaction is to get away (physically) from both people as quickly as you can. Consider your own stability and finances as a matter of urgency and clear as much money as you can from any joint banks so that you are 'secure'. Take what possessions YOU need - because lets face it your husband has taken just what he wants when he wants hasn't he. There is a part of me that can brush off your husbands revolting behaviour as a 'typical male' (sorry guys) although of course this stoops lower than most. HOwever.... your own Mother? Yuk. No - that is more than any daughter should stand. You need a long time apart from her, keeping in contact with your Dad, but do not torture yourself into thinking you need to somehow 'forgive' her - your main decision should be to protect yourself in every way you can and buy yourself time to heal which could be considerable.

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