A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Me and my husband have been married for 12 years. We have a severly disabled son, he is autistic, with learning difficulties and he cannot speak. he is very aggressive at the moment. Friday he pulled me onto the floor by my hair and head butted me. He doesnot realise what he is doing. We have been very stressed through his aggression they have stopped his respite.My husband told me yesterday that he is going to get a divorce. He says there is no-one else. He just wants to be on his own, and that we don't get on. I cannot look after my son on my own because if he hurts me he will be at risk, he has a mental age of about 2 years old, so he will have to go into care.my husband has been a wonderful father, but he is very sarcastic toward me, he says I am lazy, I work he gave up his job so we could get a cheaper house so he could be at home more for our son. He says I am stupid and not as clever as he is. He says that my son hates me and that it was a pity he did not hit me harder. Very patronising all the time.I have tried do hard to take the stress of him I have changed my hours at work so I can bath our son for school before I go to work I cook clean everything pay the bills. He says that I am good for nothing.It would be nice to hear your thoughts I feel to blame and a failure, I am losing my little family and I am heartbroken. Thankyou
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at work, cheap, disabled, divorce, heartbroken Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2016): You need help and you need to admit that you can not cope anymore, ALONE. Your son's anger is getting out of control and it is unfair to both you and him, to let this develop any further. He needs professional respite and YOU need complete respite or you will burn out. This breakup is positive in the long run, just let it go...he want's out. You have chosen to care for your severely disabled son, then allow the extra care to come in. This is not a healthy situation and your son is very vulnerable it is essential you put his needs first and he is showing signs of deep distress. Send him away for a proper break, so you can have a break. If a carer is burnt out, what care can you provide for another?You are not loosing your little family, you are gaining a stronger family by rebuilding. Don't carry the world on your shoulders, it helps no one, and often goes under appreciated anyway. Quality time not quantity...and if that means care and respite then you should consider it for all. Do you think too much STRAIN has caused your husband to resent you and turn his back, do/did you have other children who needed your attention. These are all realistic questions. It is not a weakness to say you need more help, this should not necessarily be just expected from your husband...there are professional carers out there, who the government pay to help families like yourself to take the strain off. I am not been hard just realistic because of personal experience.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2016): All Local Authority now have a website called Local Offer (just google for example Leicestershire Local Offer) and type in Short Break services. There are so many organisations that can help you and you will find help. Xx
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 November 2016):
 Your husband is lashing out on you because he is under severe stress with your son. It must be horrendous dealing with this behavior, I have dealt with it at work and it is stressful and upsetting.
If he wants to leave then show him the door. If he calls you all these names and brings you down then he is no good to you anyway. He may be a good father, but he is a shitty husband.
Has he mentioned what the custody will be like when he leaves? Is he going to do his share? Pay his share.
I think you need to contact your health center. I know you don't want your son to go in to care but you do need to do what is best and safest for you both. Your son is being aggressive because he is frustrated. He is frustrated that he cannot communicate with you what he wants. You need to look in to professional help.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (29 November 2016):
I am sorry to hear about your situation.
However...This is your time to shine. Your husband says you are stupid. Then you are going to show him you are smart enough to get away from such a fool.
I am normally one who fights to save marriages...But you do not need someone kicking you when you are already in pain.
You carried your son for 9 months, and I am sure you look after him the most. So can you do it??? Yes you can. You do what ever it takes. If you have put your son in a care place after he leaves, just to get your head straight, then do what you must....But above all things, you will not give up.
Let your husband go live the life he wants. After all, you are being the husband and the wife anyway, so why do you need him??
Your husband is to be your helper, not your abuser. Getting pulled to the ground by your hair, and head butted by someone who does not know better is one thing. Being abused by someone who knows better...Not acceptable!!!
Hold your head up, stick your chest out...You will show him you are smart, hard working, a kick arse mother, and when he is gone...the best wife he ever had.
What he considers useless to him, will become someone else's treasure.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (29 November 2016):
 This is truly heartbreaking indeed... your husband should be ashamed of himself! His measure of staying power has run out... he finds it easier to flee, blame you, abandon his disabled son, than to face responsibility, continue or give support, and has managed to weasel out of providing finances by giving up work.
From what I read, UK Law frowns on any type of abandonment... I certainly wouldn’t paint him as been a wonderful father or someone who gave up his job so he could be at home caring...; especially if he intends on taking his share of the roof over your heads!?
Keep a diary of yourself and hubby’s conduct and produce them in Court. I’m sure the Lawyer/Judge would like to hear how supportive he talks and behaves “…son hates you and that it was a pity he did not hit you harder.” How lazy you are when it’s hubby filing for divorce to be on his own, void of any responsibility!
Please consider Respite Care again for your son, after he settles down and before you crumble into total despair, it’s only temporary care until you regain composure. Go to support groups, rally friends and family, because from others you’ll gather strength and support to carry on caring.
OP, I highly praise you for your sacrifices and fortitude.
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2016): Sweetie, I am so sorry. You already have hell to deal with without your husband jumping ship. He is a weak man. And saying what he says to you is out of his own misery. He is miserable and he needs to blame someone. Usually it is the person we are closest to. And deep down, I doubt he means it. He is lashing out. He, too, is in pain. And he is dealing with it by running away. Not staying and fighting. It is a very difficult thing to care for an autistic child. How do I know? I have an 11 year-old son with autism. He is also non verbal. But he is moderate. And is not aggressive. He is a gentle soul, in fact. However, this does not mean there are not challenges. Every single day you are challenged. It changes the person you are inside, for better and for worse. It is a devil you are constantly battling. And some days it feels as if you are sinking and barely keeping your head above water. And you feel isolated because the rest of the world just doesn't understand. So what you need is a support network. Are there organizations in your area you can reach out to? There are many places which help you care for children with disabilities. Many social agencies. Please get in touch with them. You will need to take care of your own mental health to remain strong for your son and for yourself. It is so easy to give up. Please, don't. You are an amazing person for all that you do. Just know, not everybody is built that way. Not everybody can do what you do. Sometimes we are tested in life. Trial by fire. This shows what we are made of. Please keep on. But seek some help. No man is an island and there is nothing wrong with accepting help from others. Sometimes we need it. Our children need it. And if you have any family to rely on, that is what they are there for. Just never feel you are alone. Your son did not choose this. Neither did you. He is not aggressive to be mean. He cannot help it. Life is so hard for autistic individuals. They are just trying to navigate through all the overload as best they can. But it is painful for them to experience so much and have to bear it. Their aggression is a sign they are suffering and need respite from that pain. They do not know how to get it. They cannot express it in words. It must be very lonely and sad and frustrating and scary for them. That is why we as moms are compassionate and understanding. And we need to tell ourselves that our love helps to get them through. We do all we can for them. But at the same time, we need help. It so much to deal with on your own. It has changed my life so much. I feel alone a lot. And depressed. I also escape in unhealthy ways. Just so I can have some kind of joy. It is hard. Like a big weight is constantly pushing you down. And at times we just give up. You get sick and tired of fighting sometimes. Feel we have no strength left. But somehow we find it again. I suggest finding joy for yourself in an activity you enjoy. You need that escape. I do think you need someone to talk to. A therapist and one who can help you set goals and give you direction in life. You are much too overwhelmed. And you will need someone who thinks objectively for you. Please go on the internet. Call on support groups. And seek a therapist or someone you can talk to. And lean on your family. You need to talk. You need support and so does your son.Please come back and keep us posted. We are here to help. Hugs.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 November 2016):
 I'm so very sorry you're dealing with this, but I'm afraid that putting your son in care may be the safest for you and for him - where people can keep him protected from himself and help him with daily life. I know most parents wouldn't want to at all and you're not "failing" if you do, but he needs specialist help round the clock.
As for your husband, he's being verbally abusive. I know if he leaves, you feel you're losing your family, but the love is gone for him and you'd be better off without his nasty comments.
Talk to a lawyer about the divorce and to social services about your son's care, as soon as possible. Please don't wait for this to get worse before getting yourself a support system.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (28 November 2016):
 Hon, I am so sorry to hear of your troubles with your child. The aggression your child is showing is very worrying. Is he not medicated to help control these emotions? As hard as it is to say this, but maybe it would be better for your child to be in care where there are trained people to help him. You wont be deserting him, but perhaps he needs to be in an environment that feels secure to him. I really feel for you here, being a mom is not an easy task, and being a mom of a disabled child is a monumental task.
With regards to your husband. First you should consult an attorney with regards to the divorce. find out just what you stand to gain by it. Your child needs to be looked after for the rest of his life.
Your husband is behaving like a jerk. He is selfish and only thinking of himself. Even though you have not written much about him, I strongly suspect he has met someone else.
You need to act in your and your child's best interests. You sound like you are trying to cope with far too much, call on your social services, friends or family for help. You cannot do this on your own.
(((hugs)))
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