A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I've been agonizing this for a while now. I love my husband more than I've loved any other man, and I see so much good in him, but is he abusive? He's never hit me. I don't think he would ever hit me, but he's really quick to anger. This is really hard for me to talk about, but here goes. He always got mad at me for seemingly small things. Really mad. Threatening divorce mad, telling me to keep my abusive father's last name mad. I would forget to do the dishes and he would be pissed. Or I would say I felt alone and sad, and he would get mad and question why he wasn't good enough for me.I've struggled with depression and anxiety for a while, and a couple weeks ago, everything came to a climax. It started with me asking my husband to not give me a hickey because I just started a new job I was really excited about. I don't know why I didn't expect it, but he got mad. He stormed out of the room, and I started sobbing. I knew I messed up again. So I begged him to talk to me about it. That's when he told me he'd slept with a lawyer (in more colorful terms, and before he met me), and he didn't see how giving me a hickey was a problem. He told me I was choosing my job over him. I was so hurt. I felt like I was nothing. I'd been struggling with feelings of worthlessness for years, but it was the tipping point, and I took more pills than I should have. He rushed me to the ER, all the while telling me about how he was going to leave me. He said I was being selfish. I still think about that. A lot. I ended up being hospitalized in a psych ward for 3 days. I'm stable now, but I can't stop thinking about that night. It hurts my heart. He hates the idea of me getting on medications or going to counseling.Where do I go from here?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2019): You should call the domestic abuse hotline at (800) 799-7233.
They have highly trained advocates there that have heard it all, and can help you figure out how to deal with and/or exit your specific situation.
You are not alone, be strong and reach out for help!
Best,
R
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (24 July 2019):
 He is definitely emotionally abusive.
He knows how to hurt you without violence, what to say and what buttons to press to make you crumble. What do you love exactly as personally I can’t see it.
He makes you feel like you’ve done something wrong when you haven’t, you’re being guilted into feeling the way you do. Who wants a love bite on show for a professional job? Absolutely no one, to storm out acting like you’d just spat in his face is childish. I can’t see anything you’ve done that would result in a reaction like he shows.
I think you’re wasting your time here to be quite honest.
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A
female
reader, KeW +, writes (24 July 2019):
 Hello OP,
I’m sorry you’re hurting. Please speak to trusted family and/or friends to help you leave him as soon as possible, without him knowing. Emotional abuse often develops into physical abuse.
You are very young to be married, so I can understand why this is extra overwhelming, but you can eventually find someone who won’t treat you like this and you can be happy.
Please try to hear this, OP; it’s important: you love who you *want* him to be, not who he is. You want to overlook the bad and that’s why you love him, but he is dangerous, be it emotionally or physically.
With the hickey, he wants to mark you as his, in front of anyone new you meet at work. He wants to control you and stop you getting counselling or medication for your health - that is not what someone who loves you would do.
Please seek help from a Women’s Shelter/charity for help in leaving; he will not change.
Best of luck and stay safe, OP.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (24 July 2019):
 Sweetheart, this guy IS abusive. There is no question about that at all.
Giving you a "hickey" is his way of marking his territory and showing other guys you have an "owner". Yelling and screaming at you is his way of keeping you under control.
You have two choices: carry on living like this for however long (he will not change) or get out, sort out your health issues and, only then, find someone who deserves to be your partner. Sadly I doubt you are ready to dump him yet. I hope you do open your eyes one day as you deserve better. Emotional and verbal abuse often does turn into physical abuse so, in the meantime, keep yourself safe.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2019): You are vulnerable. It sounds as if this vulnerability has nothing to do with your husband, BUT he is certainly abusing it.
Is he abusive? YES.
Hi reactions are totally disproportionate to what may have caused them. He is making you think that you are responsible for his feelings and moods AND his abusive reactions.
How long and well have you known him before you married him? How long have you been together?
What you describe (remember the information you give is by no means enough to conclude this with any certainty) looks like a codependant relationship, where one partner is the "victim" and the other is "abuser".
His manipulating you into feeling guilty. He want you to feel bad about yourself because then you'll stay with him no matter what.
And you are a fertile ground for this kind of manipulation. You have some issues to work on and you would benefit from therapy. Low self esteem is a symptom not a character trait. Sometimes it is a pattern we picked up in childhood for different reasons (perfectionists parents, lack of affection, conditional affection (if you are obedient you are loved), abuse...) and sometimes it is also a symptom of certain disorders like borderline personality disorder, especially if it coupled with depression, anxiety and especially self-harm (including taking too many pills).
So you have prescription pills, which means that you have already seen someone. So you know that you have some issues.
Now, here's where the things get REALLY dangerous - him not wanting you to get counseling, him preventing you from taking your prescribed therapy. That is CONTROLLING ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR. He is afraid that if you get help you'll leave his abusive ass. What would you do if a friend told you that her husband is preventing her from getting treatment for her cancer?
Which leads me to this question - do you have friends, family... anyone you can confide in and get support from?
Abusers often pray on people who lack support who for some reason do not have a well developed network of support (friends, family). It's easier for them to manipulate and control their partners.
You married TOO YOUNG. Why? It could be also indicative of certain issues.
Please, look for support and go to therapy! Tell your friends and family about this. If you don't have any, look for support groups. Do not be alone in this!
And take that job!
All of this is a good start to strengthen your self confidence and be less dependent on him.
Therapy is the most important step. You are vulnerable. Sometimes people in your situations are having abandonment issues and would rather be with any partner than alone. Again, this is something people like your husband abuse.
So, in a way he is only a symptom of some personal issues you may have.
Tell your friends and family about this (if they are trustworthy) NOW, take that job and get counseling.
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