A
female
age
51-59,
*admumof3
writes:My daughter who is 19 has suffered from depression for the past 3 years, she is on tablets and struggles to sleep. I have tried to talk to her to help her to try find out why. She finally opened up to her CPN at the end of november, she told them that when she was 11 her dad used to go in her bedroom and touch her. He would start by stroking her back then move his hand down and not actually touch her private parts but be very close, of course this made her uncomfortable. It happened on more than one occassion but she is unsure of how many. They told her they had to inform social services because they knew i had younger children. So the social worker dropped this bombshell on me, interviewed the other kids, telling my 14 year old son what his dad had done. Both me and my husband had to go to the offices where they told him my daughter did not want it to come out, she did not want to press charges but if we stayed together he was no longer allowed to stroke the youngest daughter or tickle her. needless to say straight away he moved to a hotel, and now 3wks later he is moving into a flat. He is saying he cant remember what he has done, although he remembers feelings of guilt so it must be true. I told him it was true as my girl wouldnt lie. He threatened suicide, i had worked it out to her being 13, as we only lived in that house and her having that bedroom at that age. At that time, he was suffering fits, his two brothers had died and he also was seeing a councillor. I have probably done the wrong thing, but iv stuck up for him with my son, iv told him about 'the bad place' dad was in at the time but i really didnt want my son to suffer. I spoke to my daughter before talking to him and she was fine about it.Both daughter and son want me to forgive him and let him back home. I do love him, or did i have lost all respect for him and cant see us going back to what we were. I felt like he was half of me, i thought i coud rely on him for anything. But that has all gone now.. he is not the person who i thought he was. The youngest has no idea why we have split up. His family were told he had a affair and in no way is the split my fault.I was badly abused by my own father, i was put in care as my mother blamed me. I remember thinking how can a mum and dad do that.How do i deal with this? how do i cope with the aftermath? how do i support my daughter? I worry about my husband too.. is this normal? i close my eyes and see what he has done.. iv cried everyday. He comes to the house to spend time with the kids im still feeling sick. he asked about the younger two staying over but i cant ever see a time when i would feel comfortable with that..
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female
reader, sadmother  +, writes (14 June 2014):
I am discovering almost exactly the same disaster in my own family now. Can you please tell us how your daughter is doing now? Right now I feel like my world is ending .....
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (7 April 2010):
I can't remember if I said this before: when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. You have no obligation to him whatsoever. You have no reason to feel guilt or take even an inch of blame for the pending divorce. You were a victim of a bad situation and it's time to free yourself. Abusers are often manipulative people and I cannot tell you how many family abuse victims I have dealt with whose perpetrators "can't remember". You are already even communicating with him and that's gracious enough. You are doing very well so I encourage you to think about what's best for you and your kids ONLY. Your kids seeing your ex is only for the kids to know their father. Take all this pain and turn it into POWER; power over yourself, your life, your happiness and your future. Don't feel guilty about not being able to love him the way he wanted. He lost that privilege when he made bad decisions that destroyed everyone's life. Also, don't give him hope. Even if you are not going to date again, before his therapy is complete, tell him that although you don't want anyone now, you might in future meet someone. He needs to know you are planning to move on. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 April 2010):
 Your family has been saved, thanks in a large part to you and your attempts to normalise things as much as possible. The kids are ok, they still have two parents, you've been one of the best mothers in the world as far as I'm concerned.
You and husband... new ball game... sigh.... you don't love him anymore, or (correction) he isn't the man you thought he was. No your not confusing him with your father. You are judging him only by the things he has done. The fact that he can't remember (or says he can't) makes him confused and in his eyes it minimises the bad behaviour..
Until death do you part, those were the vows... but something has died, and you can't close your eyes and just forget..... time now lady to rebuild life as a single woman... maybe you'll feel differently in time, but probably not.
You owe it to your own self to get some happiness, and if this means going it alone, then you owe nothing to him, your children are safe...
Sorry, sorry.... sorry... my words feels so inadequate compared to what you've suffered in life.
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A
female
reader, sadmumof3 +, writes (3 April 2010):
sadmumof3 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt has now been two and a half months. My life has changed so much. The eldest daughter is starting uni this year, she seems so much happier now and is moving on. I think it has done her no end of good to get this in the open.. to be able to say 'i know what you did'
The ex is still seeing a therapist. He has told me that his therapist said that the drugs he was on for his fits may have something to do with his lack of memory. I dont know if this is true or not wether this could be the reason he cant remember.
I have allowed my son to stay at his flat last night, the youngest daughter had a friend stay here so that bit was easy not letting her go, im afraid of next time he goes though I cant let her stay.
The ex has asked on more than once if i will take him back, I have told him I cant forgive what he has done wether he remembers it or not I still have the images in my head of what he did. This is the reason for my return to the boards:
When I told him this, his reply was..
is it really me you see or your own father?
I am getting the feeling that he thinks I am now blowing it up out of proportion, and I am the bad one for not letting the family stay together. He is constantly asking if i have met someone else, he really does not understand I dont want anyone at all and that includes him.
I still care for him, but no longer love or respect him. I am over my own abuse but do agree maybe it made the situation worse (or better in my eyes) because I truly know how he made my daughter feel.. but I am well aware that what he did didnt go as far as my own father did.. but then again the emotional scar is the same..
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 February 2010):
Decorating... lol.. that's not small, that's climbing a mountain.. I got to do the same, but I keep putting it off. These so called "small" things are brilliant, they keep you moving forward in a positive way. Make sure he contributes financially, it's not fair for you or the kids to live in poverty.
I had a feeling, he was the guy you choose to look after you, and show you men can be different. You and I know, that there are very nice guys out there, unfortunately you've met the damaged/nasty ones. Ah well, we got time, love and trust will come in time. I like the fact that you are getting busy rebuilding your life as a semi-single woman. That show's healing, and putting a trust in life to make things better.
All good, you put a smile on my face. Painting and decorating, thinking about financial things, all good, better than laying down and giving up.
Have you got any girlfriends, maybe a night out, just having fun might do you well. :)
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A
female
reader, sadmumof3 +, writes (6 February 2010):
sadmumof3 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I was abused, for years I suffered because of it. I went 'off the rails' at 16.. drank way too much. On my 18th Birthday i suffered another setback, a violent rape whilst celebrating my 18th. My attacker was cought and sentanced to 8 years. I spent a few years in therapy because of that and my family life. I healed. I got over it the best I could. I still wont go out alone in the dark but thats the only side effect I have now.
I met my husband at a time when I was looking for someone to look after me, to care for me. He became my whole life.
Then he did what he did.. This has not bought back painful memories, but it means I know how she feels, how she felt. A man called dad, whom you worship and will look after you, betrays your trust in the worst possible way.
My problem is now I dont think I will ever trust another man again either with me or my children. Maybe therapy will help me again with that..
I have applied and been awarded tax credits now, iv had the first payment, I feel like im moving on providing for my children again. It is a hard thought that I am now on benefits after everything we once had.. but Im supporting us ok, we are not suffering financially. Another small but posotive step. I thought about increasing my hours at work but i need to be with my kids and they need me.
I feel the need to decorate, to get new furniture. Deep down I know these feelings are to change 'his' home into 'our' home, Im not fighting it. I am painting the living room tomorrow, I know its small but I feel it will help. xxx
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 February 2010):
Thank you very much for updating us all. You and your family have been in my mind since I first read your post. As I said, right from the beginning you have dealt with everything brilliantly, and you have made a very nasty situation very tolerable for your children.
Again, I keep thinking about you, and how this must be tearing you apart inside, but outside you have to remain strong. I can't believe I missed it, but I read your post again. So very, very sorry, I missed the fact that you have been abused and abandoned in your past. This must be bringing up torment from all over, from your past, the unstable present, and an unsure future. So very sorry, that the man you put your trust in, could hurt you in a way that must bring bad memories back.
Oh dear, what to say to you, what can make things better. I'm glad the government is gone, and I'm glad that the children have been left free to make a relationship with their father. I am also glad that you don't want to see him. Their future with him is one thing, you have helped them deal with that. But your feelings, your emotion, your love and trust has been damaged once again, and whatever you decide to do, I'm totally in agreement and supporting you. Do as you please, where it comes to you. The children are fine, a little shocked, a little shook up, but on the whole, they'll come through ok.
It's you I'm now worried about. Sigh.... wish I could help in some way, but I can't. Keep close to the counsellor, cry, scream, write stuff down, go swimming... anything to let the emotions out in a healthy way rather than feeling that you have to keep things in. Come back to Dear Cupid anytime, when you need to talk, when you can't sleep. Call the support group, talking with people who understand this type of situation will make you feel less alone. I know there are also groups online.
You have been and continue to be a brilliant mother and if I may say so, you seem like a very nice woman. So sorry that bad things have happened in your life, but I can see they make you stronger, even though the kill you a little bit inside. You've given your children what you never have, love, support, strength and kindness. Government has gone, kids are ok, now I need you to show all that love and kindness to yourself.
Again, my thoughts are with you and the children. Blessings and good luck, may your life get better with time.. :)
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A
female
reader, sadmumof3 +, writes (5 February 2010):
sadmumof3 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE: Social services have been today, the last visit. They say they are happy with how i am dealing with the situation now and that the children are well cared for and the fact I have put them first.
He will stay in their lives, but he is not coming back to our home. I cant cope with that. I will allow him access while I am there. I am not ready and dont know if I will ever be for overnight or weekend visits. That may change in time but I doubt it.
My kids are bright and well adjusted the ones that know about the situation understand how I feel. I cant believe what state I was in, but still im improving. I have some leaflets for a local support group and will be calling them.
I know I have still got a long way to go, but I really thank you all for your help and advice.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 February 2010):
The thing is people, the daughter and the son want their father to be part of their life. If their mother cuts all contact with him and refuses to let them see him, they will be fatherless, feel abandoned and will paint her as the bad guy.
Many abuse victims say that the worse was the noise and disturbance that happened afterwards. They feel abused once, but then they feel punished afterwards and suffer guilt because they believe it's their fault that the family have broken up.
I've been thinking from the point of view of the children, what they want and what they have asked for. However Mrs mum of three, I haven't really thought much about you, and it's a lot to demand of you, to solve everyone's problem when you have your own emotions to deal with. It's very good, people saying think of your kids, and dump your husband, but somehow from what you say that will make them even more unhappy. You really have to be a position of abuse to really know what goes on, and it's a lot more complicated than the answers here suggest. Please talk this all over with your counselling, and make sure they are used to dealing with child abuse within families...
PS: No, not all adults who are having mental torment abuse, just like not every drinker becomes alcoholic, or every hungry person becomes obese. But people are all different, and it's always best to deal with individual circumstances, rather than make rules which may miss some and hurt others. There are many more abusers than most adults realise, the fact is, faced with government, lost of family, counsellors, court and police, many children choose not to say anything.
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A
male
reader, Wombat  +, writes (2 February 2010):
First of all you are not alone. We all think of sexual predators as being sex crazed maniacs that stalk their victims, whereas the truth is they all have elements of their lives that appear normal. For the welfare of your children, and for your own sanity however, please be aware that non violent abuse is just as dangerous as violent abuse and leaves huge scars.
Also, your husband knew what he was doing was wrong, but was unable to control himself, even with his own daughter.
Put the victims wellbeing above that of the perpetrator and you will get your priorities straight.
Take care for yourself too as you are part of the fallout even though you have done nothing wrong.
(I have also been in your position and felt powerless as a father, but years on have a happy, healthy daughter who was abused by a male relative)
Best wishes
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): I am a lot like you.I don't trust easily.If the trust is broken I can never get back with the person.We all have instincts.Trust them.I think you are doing the right thing.You need to explain this to the kids in some way or the other.Your children are your first priority not your husband. I tried to put myself in your shoes.I asked myself,"What if my husband had done this to my daughter?".OP I would have got a restraining order against him.It wouldn't matter to me whether he actually touched her or not.The fear and doubt alone would be enough to make me paranoid and run.
Child abuse is not a joke.Most of us carry the emotional scars for a long time.
If I were you,I would read q1605's answer again and again.Harden your heart.Kudos mom.Always remember you are a mom first and a wife next.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (1 February 2010):
 Find a good counselor and start some sessions.It will help you deal with the magnitude of what you're going through and sort through everything. If you don't want your husband to return to the house, then you get to choose, not your kids. They can see him when he comes over, but everything is happening the way it should for the time being, don't try to rush the process of healing and dealing. There are no short cuts. Time helps and talking with someone neutral will do you wonders. I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, sadmumof3 +, writes (31 January 2010):
sadmumof3 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank you all for taking the time to reply.
I insisted my husband took therapy, he has his first session in a weeks time. He has asked if i wanted to be there, I said no.
I have talked to my daughter alot, she tells me she has forgiven him says she had 6 years to get over it. I have told her she is not 'over it' otherwise she would not be on those tablets or seeing a CPN..She tells me she is more worried about me and for me it happened a couple of weeks ago now. I know she wants things to go back to how they were but she also understands why they cant. We went out one day last week and did some serious retail therapy (using husbands credit card!) we had a great day together.
My son tonight wanted a take out, he asked if dad could pick one up and come round.. i let this happen. Iv just said to my son, you do realise I dont think I can bring him back and let everything be the same. His answer was 'mom, I really would not believe you could do that, I want him home more than anything but I know it would destroy you.. maybe you will feel different in a year'
My children must come first, but im unsure wether that is at my own sanity. I have thought and feel even in a year could I live with a man who i was frightened to leave alone with our own daughter who would be 12 by then? He has tried to hold my hand, asked if I wanted a hug but i couldnt bear him near me. My worst fear is it went further than she has said. If it had happened only once then maybe I would feel different, but to happen time and time again. Like someone else said plenty of people go to a dark place but dont do this.
I have given him what I can for his flat, other family members have given him furniture. My son helped him move in. He has asked me to visit but i dont want to. He has asked to take us all out to the pictures or something, iv told him to take the kids I really dont feel like playing happy famalies but feel i should be making more effort..
I went to the doctor, he gave me anti-depressants and sleeping pills. I have only taken a couple of sleeping pills but not the anti-depressants as im afraid to.
I have not slept right since i found out, apart from the few nights with the sleeping pills, but I am drowsy the next day.. almost not with it. I still have to drive I still have to go to work.
Social services are awful. I may put in a formal complaint about them telling my son, They said they would put a councillor in touch with me iv heard nothing. They phoned me last week just to ask if he was living back at home. They are also coming to see me next week.. I dont know what they want, what they will ask. I am afraid that now they are involved im my life i wont be able to get them out. They say the cant do anything legally as my daughter wont press charges. They say they are confident nothing has happened to the younger two.
He says he will do whatever it takes to make my and the kids life happier, better. He says he will support me financially, he hopes I can get over it and take him back. I miss him so much but when I think what he did i feel sick again. I close my eyes on a night and see him in her room..
I have told one person what he has done. She is in as much shock as i was. All my family and friends have no idea and just keep questioning me as to what has happened. I cant cope with the questions.
I wish there was a medicine that would make certain memories dissapear.. but then would it keep happening.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (31 January 2010):
Your first priority is your daughter who has survived this abuse and then the younger kids. Ofcourse its normal for you to feel sympathy for him but many men go through trauma as well bit they don't abuse their kids to get through their pain. My suggestion is that your husband goes through counseling on his own to deal with what he has done. Don't deal with him until he confesses. In my work I see this amnesia story very often; only tough love can help your family heal. While he is in therapy, its a good idea for you and your daughter and the kids who know to also go for counseling. When everybody has gone for their sessions, then I recommend family counseling which culminates in your husband taking full responsibility for his actions and apologizing to your daughter. In victims therapy, we often see this trend called the Stockholm Syndrome where the victim feels sorry for their perpetrator and even defend him. I recently dealt with a 9 year old girl who claims we should leave her adult abuser alone because he loves her. Don't take your daughter's word for it; she feels bad for breaking up the family and for the pain she has caused everyone so ofcourse she will say its all ok. You have to be angrier than her and never show concern for your husband in front of her because you are adding salt to her wounds. As for the younger children, your husband is already lucky not to be prosecuted for what he did so never having the kids overnight is a small price to pay. At least while they are minors he should give up that idea. Touching a child inappropriately can be just as damaging to a child so don't just write it off. Having said all this you can survive it if you really want your marriage. As an abuse survivor myself (not father), I couldn't stay married to someone who would harm a child. But you may see things differently so go through the therapy and then altogether as a family then see how you feel about the situation. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (31 January 2010):
And your daughter.. she is a beautiful kid, and very, very wise... You and your husband need to go out of your way to make her feel special and beloved.. she must be suffering from so much guilt. That's why we have to put her first, treat her nice, buy her stuff, take her out... You and dad, so she won't feel guilty, she'll feel loved. It's good she talked about this stuff, by making her feel special the guilt will go and she'll be happy she told.
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A
male
reader, Faraday +, writes (31 January 2010):
 "Miamine", what a splendid answer: hits all the points perfectly.Well, almost all. I was appalled to learn that the social worker told the young son about this. I feel that was totally out of order and beyond his/her brief. That has made a bad situation far worse than it needed to be and has hampered recovery from something so far in the past.I'm not dismissing it, as clearly although distant it was still very prominent in the 19-year-old's mind and she needs all the comfort she can get, but the husband needs counselling and rehabilitation, not vilification at this stage.The worst possible outcome is if Social Services do their normal inept job and break up a family and get this man put on the Sexual Offendres' register - it will destroy everybody.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (31 January 2010):
PS: can it work.. well I listerned to a programme on the BBC and the family are fine now after sexual abuse from the dad. They talk about it openly, but can understand that he was in a bad place at the time and is sorry with all his heart.
He can't move home because of the government, and you all need some thinking time, but you can show him he is loved, understood and forgiven by making that flat as pretty as you can. Ask your son and daughter to help, try to make his time away from home happy because his flat is as beautiful as you can make it... Therapy for everyone, and in time, he'll be back home.. You desperately need therapy, because now you don't trust him, you don't trust yourself, and you need someone to talk to and to help.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (31 January 2010):
So very, very sorry for you mrs mum of three.. You are doing the best you can. Everything is understandable, and yes, you are right to stand bt your husband. The guy that had sexual thoughts about his daughter, yes, lets call him "bad dad", he's not in that black place he was before, but you all need help to move on from this.
First, please, please accept that WE ARE ALL HUMAN. Your husband didn't actually abuse your daughter, but he had sexual thoughts about her and made her uncomfortable. For me, this is enough to call it child abuse. It's enough for your daughter to feel insecure, and now later, she has to deal with these issues that have probably been torturing her for years.
NOT ALL CHILDREN WANT REVENGE IF THEY HAVE BEEN ABUSED. MANY CHILDREN CAN UNDERSTAND.
As you say, he was in a dark place, a dark place which he got out of many years ago. He has been decent enough to agree that stuff could have happened, this is enough for your daughter to feel believed and loved. The kids probably remember BAD DAD, and at the time, he probably scared and frightened them even though they loved him very much. They know he's not like that anymore, they understand that he was suffering, and the last thing they want is government involved or any publicity... but that's how government works, they have to make sure that everyone is safe.
It's all out in the open, your husband is not in denial, you haven't rejected him and his kids love him still.. This is a beautiful position to be in... together, you will overcome this, your still a loving family, together you will get stronger and your love will get deeper.
Good daughter is in therapy, but probably therapy will help you now, and also help GOOD DAD to remember the bad times. Your daughter is the key, everything has to be ok by her. I would ask her if she wants to talk about this stuff, and make it a mother to daughter conversation.. Truth and honesty will bring you closer... later on, with your daughter's agreement, a talk with you, her and GOOD DAD.. appologies, forgiveness, understanding and most of all, tons and tons of love.. this will bring you through, together as a loving (battered but wiser family)
Funny, although it was a sexual act, sex wasn't involved.. He was in a desperate place, he was attracted to her innocence and he wanted to share in it, wanted to steal it some way to make the pain go away. At that time, he was also a hurt child, he was no longer an adult and could not protect her like he normally would. They switched roles, she had to be the adult, she had to take care of him. This is why she needs to go counselling, she needs her childhood back.
With her permission, talk talk will help, talk about it like you talk about the sports, the government or the weather. Nothing outstanding, nothing big. BAD DAD did bad things, and now together you need to understand it, and clean up the mess he did. It would be a good idea for your daughter and your husband to have contact doing dad and daughter things.. Maybe go shopping to buy her stuff, a fun fair, bowling, ice-skating.. anything that GOOD DAD would normally enjoy with his precious daughter... supervised of course, because it may bring back memories that they are unable to deal with unless a third person is there.
FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT.. with all your heart and soul for your family. They love one another, and they want things normal again. You are doing well, you holding on to their father, your keeping family life intact. People do bad things when they are in pain, but that doesn't make them bad people. Keep talking to your daughter, see how much she can cope with, always be honest with everyone, and bring your family to a situation where the honesty and out pouring off love removes the pain and the bad memories.
Again.. sorry that you have to go through this, sorry for your husband who has to relive the bad times, sorry for the shock to your son, sorry the government is involved, and sorry you have to lie to protect your family.. You can do it, I know you can, there is a lot of love in your family, just need to reveal the secrets, learn to understand and forgive..... My heart and my blessings are with you all.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (31 January 2010):
This is awful, but unfortunately you have to put the kids first. Social services get very jaded and see women letting real abusers back into their children's lives, so they will be watching you carefully and half expecting you to do the same.
Talk to your eldest daughter and ask what she would feel comfortable with.
Also remember that social services are not just there to take kids away. If you reach out to them and ask for help on how to handle this, how to help your kids etc etc they will be happy to point you in the direction of local charities and people who can help with therapy and things. They will also see how much you are trying to do the right thing by everyone which will be a big tick in your favour.
There is help out there for this kind of thing and we have aunts here on the site who will be able to give lots of detailed advice having been through the same thing.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, toucan20 +, writes (31 January 2010):
Honestly, this may be a answer you dont wanna her but, only time can heal this. I agree, keep your children away from the man. and support your daughter by just being there when she needs you. And yes it is normal to worry about yoour husband, he was a big part of your life untill this. and after all he threatend suicide. Glad to help:)
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