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My husband has sex dreams every night and I am upset!

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 December 2007) 19 Answers - (Newest, 26 July 2011)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My husband has strange bedtime habits - insight would be greatly appreciated. When he falls asleep he very often starts moaning, making noises like he's enjoying sex, occassionally he mutters something, and he is clealy in a sexually arroused state. He will often stroke his erection, or turn around on his belly and push against the bed. This can go on for hours in the night. He wakes up refreshed and stunned that I'm upset.

We enjoy a very active sex life, meaning that we have good, varied sex usually every night and often in the mornings as well. His behavior does not hinge on whether or not he just had sex. There have times when we've had sex a few times that day and he still has the nighttime antics.

He insists that he's not aware of what he's doing. And, when I wake him up he seems startled. Knowing how upset I am with this he's now trying to stop himself which means he keeps waking up in the night and his sleep is suffering.

This has been going on for 3 years and I'm terribly worried and hurt with this behavior. Any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

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A female reader, Babyg4269 United States +, writes (26 July 2011):

Babyg4269 agony auntI can relate as my fiancee often does this as well. We have a very active sex life (everyday except that time of the month lol) but it bothers me when he dreams about having sex with other women, my insecurity stems from my ex husband cheating on me with a girl he dreamt about. My fiancee often moans in his sleep and mutters,but I dont wake him. The other night he moaned his ex girlfriends name, so how would those of you who say its over reacting deal with that? What would u do?

All I can say to the woman who posted this comment is maybe talk to him and find out what the underlying cause is to him havin these sexual dreams, maybe its a sub concious thing that he may want to spice it up a bit. I am no expert but honestly I dont think there is a "right" answer to this

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A female reader, Audrey17 United States +, writes (25 March 2011):

I feel your pain. My husband is 70 years old and 22 years my senior. We have a great sex life. No need for Viagra and about once or twice a week. He also for at least 2-3 hours a night moans like he is having sex while he sleeps. I have shaken his arm only for him to get mad at me for waking him. So I end up leaving and going to another bedroom. Now, we don't even sleep together. He doesn't want to be interrupted. We still have sex, but this is so hurtful.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008):

Hi, My name is Kimi and I'm 22 years old. I am married to the most perfect guy...

I am very self conscious about my body and I just stopped nursing my baby girl.... so my boobs are freakin' tiny... and I hate them. When I was pregnant they were huge and after that they were even huger (as I nursed). My husband always said that he likes parts of the body to look exactly like mine..... and they change with my body.

Tonight he woke up (well he didn't really fully awake, he just started mumbling and rubbing his penis) and started saying something about "cumming on her big boobs". I obviously don't have those, so I asked him "whose big boobs". He kept answering my questions, for I thought he was somehow going to end up talking about me. Some random girl he saw today somewhere was all that I got out of it when I started to get really upset about it. He woke up and started yelling and denying that he had even said any of it. I am freakin' out, like... not like it's the end of the world, just that.... was he just lying and saying that he likes my little (he didn't call them little... ever)boobs so that I wouldn't feel bad???? What the hell... does he seriously just like girls with big tits? Does he see random people and have dreams about them? Does he think about them when we're having the best sex of our lives? klduoiasudfijhasodifsd I hate him right now... and I hate my body.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007):

My ex boyfriend used to masturbate in his sleep (or at least I think he was asleep!) and this had never occurred with previous boyfriends so it was abit confusing and weird for me at first to have this man jacking off in bed next to me who was seemingly asleep whilst doing it. I never woke him up as it did turn me on as well, however I did feel quite hurt at times when he would do after late night sex with me. I started feeling like I wasn't satisfying him since he didn't come during sex but during his nocturnal masturbation!!! My ex boyfriend's bedtime antics would keep me awake for a while at night so therefore disturbed my sleep but I always left him to enjoy himself and he always settled into a good night's sleep after his antics!!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks so much for all the thoughtful answers.

I have to say I really like the concept and format of this site.

I took the the answers I got by last night and shared them with my husband. It proved to be a very smart jumpstart to a great conversation which continued this morning. This is like putting the question out to friends and family without the complications and embarrassment. It's nice to have so many different points of view and proved very helpful in talking about this in a new, constructive way. U

By the way - we had a great night, and a big perk is being reminded that we really do have a great sex life; imagine taking that for granted.

Thanks again.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2007):

Hi Hunny

I think if you have sex as often as you have said then this is the very reason he is so content in dream world love, Id take it as a compliment that he is so comfortable and happy and let him have his sleep so you to can carry on your great sex life you have hunny. I dont think you have anything to worry about, you could jump on him well I would....seriously hunny you have nothing to worry about he is enjoying your sexual moments so much he carrys on in dream land this is not a bad sign TAKE CARE OF YOU LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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A male reader, Jamer70 United Kingdom +, writes (7 December 2007):

Jamer70 agony auntI think some of you are over thinking this. its VERY simple. Hes alseep, he cant control what hes thinking or dreaming of when hes alseep. And as a grown woman you should know this. Cut him a break he cant control his dreams, just let him enjoy his night rest. If the moaning is keeping you up, you be angry about that, but otherwise its not his fault

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (7 December 2007):

birdynumnums agony auntPerhaps you have missed the main point, he's asleep. As I have said, many of my sex dreams are about my husband, and who's to say who he is not dreaming of her? I'm rather surprised that he got jealous but it was most likely because it is was already an issue and he probably suspected that she was putting on a show in order to put him in his place. If it hadn't already been an issue, he would have taken the opportunity to join her, perhaps! (most husbands would have jumped in on that cue, Yay - No foreplay!). Fantasies about other people are a fact, not an if. Everybody has them. I'm not terribly insecure, no, but then I'm 52 and we have been married for 30 years (and I can probably guess who he would be dreaming of, if he didn't wake up and brag about it!). I simply know at this point that it's important to choose which battles are important and which are not worth quibbling over. Some are facts that can't be changed and it's far easier to change our own mind about how we deal with it. And she already said she did see it as silly. As of now, I'm far more concerned that they are BOTH having trouble sleeping. That takes a toll on how you feel all day long. Hope every works out for our couple, I think most people who write in want a variety of opinions and take it in the the spirit in which it is written, to help. Take care!

XXX

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2007):

There is a difference between dreams and fantasies. People have no control over their dreams, but do over their fantasies. To think that a person is cheating because they dream of having sex with another is ridiculous. As far as fantasies go, they are also not cheating. My wife and I both have had dreams about having affairs with others. So what. We even tell each other about them if we remember them. I have even had dreams about her having sex with someone else. Does that mean that she is cheating, and whose fault is it that she is "cheating". We have both had fantasies about being with another. I wake up before her and sometimes fantasize about having sex with someone else. I hug my pillow instead of bohtering her when she wants to sleep. When she wakes up, we normally have great sex, as I am all over her. She asks me who I was screwing and I tell her and she laughs and asks me if I had a good time.

I totally agree with birdynumnums. Waking him up, ruining his sleep and making him tired is not doing either one of you any good. If a person doesn't dream several times a night then their brain cannot function correctly and their body cannot be refreshed. Lack of dreaming can cause many problems. To repeat, dreams and fantasies are healthful. Fortunately, my wife and I realize that and know that our sex with others is not real. To deny dreams and fantasies might lead to real affairs.

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (6 December 2007):

eddie agony auntCome on everyone....he's sleeping !!!!!!It's not like he can control it. I'd like to hear how to control these actions...

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A female reader, girlwhoneedshelp United Kingdom +, writes (6 December 2007):

girlwhoneedshelp agony auntto BIRDYNUMSNUMS I think you are being a little harsh here. You yourself might be fine with the idea of your man having sexual fantasies about other women but I can definitely assure you that you're in a minority. Most women are very insecure, unlike yourself obviously, and this is a big smack in the face for a woman to hear that her man dreams about having sex with another woman. I for one would be horrified if my man was moaning in his sleep dreaming about having sex with another woman, I would give him a sharp kick and hoped that he dreamt of something else when he went back to sleep. Also, when this poor woman tried it on her husband he wasn't very happy about it was he? So she has every right to feel the way she does.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007):

Well I think he just has a high sex drive. And of course I can understand why it hurts you. Cause you feel left out. That would hurt anybody. I don't think it is unnatural for you to be hurt by this. So for those who say "oh big deal, let the man sleep," is brushing off the issue and obviously have never had a good two-way relationship. Because I do agree that he is a GOOD man and he loves you and you should let him sleep. But you are also a good wife and can't help being hurt to some extent by his off behavior.

Well the only thing I can think of is that his sex drive has changed. I mean he is entering his 40's now, so maybe he is have some body changes that have caused him to have wet dreams, or whatever. I guess if you are really curious, you could ask a sex therapist. I mean what do you have to lose? Maybe just make a one time appointment or just call and ask what this could be.

But I think the most important thing is that you both have good communication. It is a good thing that you have talked to him and I think it is a good thing that he has listened and cares and is trying hard to avoid this. I mean you guys have great communication and obviously you both care about each other alot. So hopefully now that he knows what he is doing, maybe he can try to control it better.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007):

What can he be up to while he is dreaming, nothing, so why worry and wake him up. You need to sleep properly and stop waking him up. Your age group, if right is in the mid forties and you have sex that often, LUCKY SOD!!! Just enjoy your lovely sexy man and let him get his sleep out so he can make love to you when he wakes.

take care

xx

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A male reader, leonard j, Douglas Philippines +, writes (6 December 2007):

If the shoe were on the other foot,I hope the your husband would have the good sense to let you enjoy your mind Lovers,as that is what I would do. you are the one who needs to be showing him that it's okay to enjoy other women in Dream-Land. I am sure like the rest of us,you too often commit Mind-Adultery.

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A female reader, Megan Deetes United Kingdom +, writes (6 December 2007):

Megan Deetes agony auntDon't worry about it :) He's only sleeping and probably dreaming of you and if he isn't he can't help it. Don't wake him up because thsi could damage his sleeping patterns and cause problems with his general mood, however if you are seriously worried about this you could always go and take him to a sleeping clinic. Don't get yourself upset over it though :) after all it sounds like your sex life is on fire ;) xxxxx message me if you have any further worries xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Just came back to the computer and am surprised and happy to see responses to my question. A big THANK YOU for those taking the time to answer my question.

It's not that I haven't considered your points for some time on my own. I do feel it's me that's making it a problem, obviously it doesn't disturb his sleep. Sometimes I have to go sleep in the living room just to get some deep rest, but we both hate that solution because cuddle time is valuable to us.

One point that is striking me is this: would the answers be the same if the roles were reversed? I asked my husband how he would feel about me moaning in pleasure and stoking myself all through the night. He could see how it would be alarming. So I actually tried it - and in his sleep he put his leg across me to stop me and when awake he immediatly told me to stop the experiment saying "he got it". In our sex life we actually enjoy watching each other pleasure ourselves but the real question is "how I can be so open about our sex life and still hate him having this sexual outlet (this is not an isolated happening but occurs most nights of the week).

But again, thanks for the responses I've been too embarrassed to bring this up to anyone and sometimes a woman just needs to have it spelled outloud - SILLY - now I hope I can actually take that advise to heart and leave this hurt behind.

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (6 December 2007):

birdynumnums agony auntI can't believe that you are waking him up! That is so mean and selfish! If my husband was dreaming about sleeping with Sigorney Weaver and about to climax, I'd hate to ruin that little fantasy for him! It's not like it's real! Why would you do that? He's not being unfaithful! HE IS ASLEEP. You are supposed to be his loving wife, his best mate and partner in life, putting his needs before your own. His sleep is suffering? I wonder why? Listen to how this sounds - "Honey, I want you to stop doing something that you don't remember doing while you are asleep and that you have no awareness of doing because it hurts my feelings". Get a grip woman. He is dreaming! He's sleeping with vapour, ghosts, nothing - he's just being sexual. It sounds like you have a VERY healthy, normal sex life and he sounds like a happy man, other than you hounding him. He can't help what he dreams! Even in his waking life, you can't get inside his head and control his fantasy life because it is his fantasy life. Every has one. Everyone looks and has fantasies.

It is not a reflection on you or how much he loves and desires you, obviously, or you wouldn't have such a good sex life. He's not being unfaithful. Wouldn't you much rather have him satisfy his curiousity in his head than bring home some disease? Frankly, I have a lot of sex dreams, and a lot of them are "instant replays" about my husband, so some of those dreams that you are objecting to are most likely about you. I don't think that this is his problem to correct. I think that you are the one that considers this is a problem, that the problem rests with you and how much it upsets you, and that you are the only one that can fix the problem by letting it go. I'd be more concerned about his lack of sleep and his becoming sick and tired of having this issue drive a wedge between the two of you. With the amount of stuff that we see in this column, you are a very lucky woman if your husband is only being *unfaithful* lol - in his dreams. In full agreement with deejuliet, this is just SILLY.

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A female reader, hello1 United Kingdom +, writes (6 December 2007):

hello1 agony auntIs it keeping you awake? I can understand that. But if it's really annoying you, see a sleep expert and get it sorted

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A female reader, deejuliet United States +, writes (6 December 2007):

deejuliet agony auntYou have an active sex life (VERY active!!!) and you dont think he is cheating. You are just upset that he has sex dreams. This, in my opinion is SILLY!!! He cant help what he dreams! He obviously has a very strong sex drive and, frankly, is probably dreaming about YOU! Lay off him! Let him have his dreams and get a good nights rest. You have no reason whatsoever to be upset with him.

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