A
female
age
26-29,
bleu012
writes:I found out my husband has been communicating on-line with another woman for 10 out of our 11 month marriage. They have been dating for 3, but they claim they where never intimate. He states he wants to try to work it out and he seeks my forgiveness but how do I know if it is worth saving? He will do it again, right? Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): I was going to say after reading the start that I don't think that hes escaping stress...he's obviously not ready to be commited.
However the stress may have had something to do with it. If the marriage created the stress then it may have had an effect with the way he feels about you.
What you do now is up to you and your feelings. If you can't forgive him, then do you truly love him?!
I think you need to talk with him again. Explain that the reason your snooping around is partly because you obviously can't trust him. Trust remember (not being patronizing) is a key element to a marriage and a strong relationship.
As I said, you need to question your own feelings before making rash decisions. But you need to believe he won't do it again. Because otherwise you can be with someone who would be with you and only you. You need to choose between that and the man you married.
A
female
reader, bleu012 +, writes (6 July 2008):
bleu012 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH for all of your advice. A little more details on the situation. He had a "myspace account" where he was described as a single, successful and available man. He talked/flirted with many women but only dated one.
Our marriage brought a huge load of financial stress on us. We are still trying to recoup. I did sit and talk to him as to the reasons why he did it. He stated that he never wanted to leave our marriage he just wanted an escape from the stress of our situation. I have never been a crazy jealous snoop, this being the reason why it went on for so long. He really is a master at this game because he was never spotted on the phone or on myspace. But just last week I happen to log on to check my email and his secret email popped up. He denied everything but I was suspicious then and it didn’t take long before I confirmed everything with the cell phone statements. I hacked into his email account and I changed his password it wasn’t long before I could confirm it with emails to.
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A
male
reader, eddie  + ♥, writes (6 July 2008):
 What does communicating mean? Is it ...."Hi, how are you? How is your new job ?"..... Or, were they flirting? This is very important to know. The fact he is asking for forgiveness tells me he is either guilty or that you blew up and scared him into submission.
Nobody knows if he'll do it again. We don't know who is being unrealistic here either. You may be a really jealous person and the type who will try to control his every move. He may be the type who is a cheater. The fact he did this so early in the marriage is a little unsettling.
I wouldn't be thrilled if it were my wife. That doesn't mean I'd be correct either. It just means you need to figure out the boundaries in your marriage. Boundaries need to be realistic too. You have to set boundaries based on where you hope to be when you finish working on your issues. For example, I could suggest forming boundaries but it would be worthless if the person setting them was a jealous fool. They need to be general boundaries with some compromise. Maybe a counselor could help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): Your husband started a relationship 8 months into your marriage. We all know what marriage is meant to be, but particularly the start of the rest of your lives are meant to be the happiest!
Your meant to be all over each other!
Why he did it I can't assume. If you want to continue your marriage then give it ago. Possibly seek marriage consuelling to get the best chance to save it.
Again you can't assume he will do it again. And of course you can't assume he won't do it again. This bit is about trust. You just don't think about whether he will do it again, because its just out of the question. But if he did it this early to a marriage, obviously this would've been broken.
If you can't learn to forgive someone it isn't real love.
Personally I'd give it a go if you want to, but he does need to realize that he married you, and he shouldn't do that to you if he loves you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): Firstly, when is he able to do this 'communicating' ? Is it from a work computer? From home? If its from home then simply you tell him that he can prove his loyalty to you by not using the computer. If you can - create or change and access password. I would not trust him as this has gone on for the duration of your marriage so he is obviously pretty addicted to the secrecy element of it and as for dating for three - are you meaning cyber-dating or actually meeting up. If you want a future with this guy he changes right now or you kick him out. Give him an ultimatum and stick to it. Boy oh boy he has a lot of making up to do - I just hope you can find trust in him again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): Firstly sit down with your husband and ask why he started this online and why he feels he has to go and sneak around behind your back whilst you remain the loyal wife?Whatever reason he gives keep delving till you are satisfied he is telling you the truth when men start to sneak around they become compulsive liars so you have to be careful here to spot when he is telling the truth or lying to you!Usually it is boredom, fantasies,wanting their ego boosted i have had all these reasons but to be honest men LUST more than anything and i think it is that just plain Lust!To give him the benfit of your doubt you have to sit down and discuss why he feels the need to cheat on you.If he is genuinely sorry and has made a silly mistake! then it is up to you if you feel you can trust and forgive him only you will know that you are the one who has to live with him no one else so think carefully it may well be just a whim he had or he may well be showing he has other issues really the only way you can tell is to ask?It is a bit worrying you have only been married 11 months mind you and he is cheating already was he before?Has he addictions to other women?I personally would be very worried if i were in your shoes you must have been married only a month when he started communicating with her?Has he known her before he met you?Is she just a friend?Loads of questions here you must ask and if he is to gain your trust i would block all contact on your computer to these sites if you don't know how to do it get someone who does to do it i would'nt tell him i would just do it wait and see his reaction when you tell him if he is mad at you be worried!If he is like ok i understand you had to do this then at least you know he is considerate of your feelings and you also can have peace of mind he is not on accessing things he should'nt be when your not around let's face it we can't be with our husbands/partners 24/7!!!Do all these things and see how it goes be strong and i hope it all works out for you .Gina.
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