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My husband had an affair with our daughter in law!

Tagged as: Cheating, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 March 2009) 10 Answers - (Newest, 12 December 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

four months ago my husband came to me and confessed to an affair. this was the second time he cheated-or at least that i caught him. first was ten years ago with his secretary. i forgave him then but this time was much harder. it turned out the other woman was my sons wife, the mother in other words of both our grandchildren. my son is overseas now (navy). we had a big fight and i still hate my daughter in law but we agreed to work it out and not tell my son at least until he is back.

my husband is a weak man but i know he loves me. my sons wife on the other hand is a creep. she is throwing back at me that i am old and cannot please my husband and that she has to keep all the men in our family happy. i am at my wits end to do with her. i love my grandchildren but i hate their mother so much.

please help.

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A male reader, NLeo United States +, writes (12 December 2011):

I don't get it. Why is everyone blaming the daughter-in-law? She has been left alone to fend for herself, and if you asked me, the man actually helped her by cooling off her fires!

People who live with their husbands have no idea what it is like to be married to a man you hardly ever see. One really have to be saint to wait around for the husband to show up once in a while!

What if the DIL had gone to a club and picked up guys to sleep with on the side? Would that be better than sleeping with an available Father-in-law? Obviously the woman is not able to satify her man and that's why he is looking for action elsewhere! If at all somebody needs to be blamed, it's the wife, who is not able to satisfy her husband!

Been there, done that!

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A male reader, larry1249 Mexico +, writes (29 April 2010):

At 70 ...I have a great problem with in myself...My 28 year old step daughter in law is the greatest looking lady to me...My step son and I are best of friends and work together...I give her money all the time on the side and she takes it and knows what I am looking for...She is much stronger then I am...The reason I read these notes about this is to try and clear my head...I also know 100% it would destroy my life...I am an American and my hole family is Mexican...This reading tonight has helped me more...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009):

What a horrible situation! I know it is easy to blame the daughter-in-law in this situation, and she seems like a bitch to say the least. However, your husband is even worse! While your daughter in-law has betrayed her husband, your husband on the other-hand has betrayed you, your son and your grandchildren. He doesn't sound weak to me. He seems like he's got some sort of hold over you and fronts as weak in order to continue getting away with his behavior. Your son certainly has the right to know. It is up to him how his relationship unfolds with his father after that time - you can't worry about that. He is a grown man and has the right to make that decision for himself. If he ever finds out later in life (for example if his wife confesses), then he will hate both you and your husband eternally because you never told him. I would definitely give your husband his marching orders. Do it for yourself, your son and your grandchildren. The fact your husband and daughter-in-law had this affair shows that they were both willing to put it all on the line. Family to them must not be that important. Don't follow suit! Show your husband the door and tell your son. If you don't, you might end up losing out on all counts and not having any family at all.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2009):

OMG ! I just happened to find this site and after reading this, I am sitting here crying. I agree withthe other readers,you should get rid of your husband and please let your son know what his wife did. Blame cannot be put on one person only. They both are to blamed as they both are adults and knew what they were doing. I had a cheating husband for 13 years and I had 3 kids. He always put me at fault sayngI was a no good wife, but God All Mighty was at my side, when my maid came forward an said the child she just had was my husband's. Boy was I o glad when she told me this. Cos I then got rid of his ass and now I am a successful woman. And he is a loser to this day, 10 years later. I a a surviour and you too can be one. Coming from South Africa I went thru crap but I am here today, and yo too can do it. This incident with your DIL must me an eye opener for you, Its Gods way of telling you that you are way better than your husband and DIL. Your son needs to know cos what if she does this to him with another man. Think of your Grandkids, do they really need to lead this kind of a life.I dont think so. First step is to let your son know, and tell your husband that you hav had enough of his lies and cheating. Once a cheater Always a Cheater.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009):

remember that movie "damage" father has an affair with son's girlfriend etc etc etc.......

the ultimate betrayal it is called......who is more to blame, your husband or your daughter in law? I say BOTH EQUALLY. You may tend to be more lenient with your husband but remember HE CHEATED AGAIN. He HAD SEX WITH YOUR DAUGHTER IN LAW, THE MOTHER OF YOUR GRANDCHILDREN. How low go you stoop. HE EVEN BETRAYED YOUR SON, does your husband have any morals, does he possess any fatherly qualities right now. NO. He has betrayed both you and your son. What father does that? Your husband is NOT WEAK, he just plays the fool so that he does not need to account for his actions. He knowingly had sex with another person, it so happened that it was the DIL. You may re sent the DIL but your husband needs his marching orders. NOW. He is the one laughing at you behind your back. He is the one betraying your marriage and vows. He is the "serial" cheater. How do you deal with this from now on?

As or your DIL, where do I start? Does she live with you as well? If so, please let her make alternative arrangements. I know that you will feel sorry for the grandkids but your well being comes first. She is not ashamed of her actions. In fact she is throwing it in your face. Do not let her get away with it (or your husband). She needs to know that yes you are older, but you have more dignity and honour than her. You must act fast against her or she will destroy your self esteem/ self worth. You must not "mouse" around her. Stand your ground, do not be timid. Let her know THAT SHE DID THE WRONG, NOT YOU. But then you are dealing with the kind of person who is beyond contempt. Your son needs to know and right now. Do not try to protect your husband and DIL. Your son has a right to know what is going on at home. Yes it will devastate him BUT if you do not tell him, this woman will destroy you. What will stop her and your husband from continuing the affair. Nothing. She knows that she has you over this sexual encounter with your husband. She will torment you daily, and she is. Her dirty deed with your husband needs to come out. You need to "scream it to the whole world" (meaning family) about this ultimate betrayal. By keeping quiet you are condoning this betrayal. Do not stay quiet any longer. You know you want to keep your pride but the situation warrants it that these 2 are brought to book. You have done nothing wrong. Take back your pride.

Both you and your son will survive this. Your grandkids too. It's the shameful husband and DIL that needs to thrown to the wolves. You can do it. Be strong and act now. Do not let them intimidate you. Show your husband, especially, who is the boss. And right now you are.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009):

Your husband had a choice.

I find it quite repulsive as to be honest he slept with a member of the family. The ultimate sin? He cheated on his own son. He has cheated on you. He has betrayed the respect, honour and pride that should bestow any grandfather.

To say he has ruined everything over 'sex' (lets face it thats all it is) is an under statement. I feel for you but its up to you to see this for what it is and act on it.

I would ask him to move out and you bet his son needs to know precisely what has happened. Don't spare anyone their feelings - why should you carry their dirty secret around? Getting it away with a secretary is cowardly and pathetic (sterotype cheating) but this is something no family should endure.

Put common sense first - things will not be the same again whatever happens so its best the whole truth comes out. Don't just blame your daughter in law - your husband and her are just as bad as one another. If you get rid of your husband, you get rid of her.... your son will not tolerate what has happened and why should he - disgusting.

This will make you and your son free to start a new, respectful life and demonstrate what a proper family is about to your grandchildren. Your son could find a woman who is loyal and who creates a strong bond with you as a mother in law.

Don't live a lie and stop being a martyr. Have some self respect. You sound needy to me - as though you are grateful to have the so called 'love' you think your husband has for you. You need to open your eyes.

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A female reader, TasteofIndia United States +, writes (24 March 2009):

TasteofIndia agony auntIt seems to me that you are putting way too much blame on your daughter in law and not nearly enough on your husband. Even if your DIL has an attitude problem, she's the vulnerable one here with a husband far away, grand kids to take care of, etc. While that's absolutely no excuse, your husband has even less of one. He's weak? You're even weaker for forgiving him!! He is the creep here!! Let your son deal with his wife when he get's home, but for now you've got to deal with the man you married who can't keep his wedding vows sacred enough to resist his own son's daughter. I don't care if she went all out to seduce him, HE still cheated on YOU and that is the problem here.

I encourage you to leave him, and find someone else who will treat you and your wedding vows right.

Good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009):

i completely agree with guppypig!your husband has cheated on you twice and still you forgave him and only blame your daughter in law for this affair?she disn't force your husband to cheat on you and he didn't do anything angainst his will.i'm sorry to say this and i know what you must be going through is terrible but you're wrong to forgive and justify your husband.he is just as responsible about this affair as your daughter in law and there are zero excuses for him.he cheated on you twice and is a very poor excuse for a husband.divorce him immediately and tell your son about this as soon as he gets back.he's a grown man and deserves to know what's going on behind his back.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (24 March 2009):

eyeswideopen agony auntI agree with the guppy. This is nuts. Your husband goes beyond just "weak", he's a total loser. It's especially wrong since you son is currently serving his country. What kind of man does this to his own wife and son? Yuck. Get rid and tell your son exactly why you are doing it. I hope you will be able to find a man you can actually respect.

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A male reader, guppypig United States +, writes (24 March 2009):

Your husband is not a weak man. He is a selfish man, and you are enabling him. Worse, your son seems to have unconsciously imitated your example, by choosing a selfish (and sadistic) mate.

Break the cycle. Divorce your husband and tell your son the truth.

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