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My husband gets firm erections in his sleep. But he can't get one with me!

Tagged as: Health, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 June 2008) 8 Answers - (Newest, 12 January 2016)
A female age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My husband gets firm erections ,in sleep. But he can't get one with me,or not when he tried masturbating just to try it, how it works. So it looks like something is not ok with his sexual desire, or he shot it down,for some unknown reason.He is sure ,he loves me, but its no longer tolerable. He doesn't have anybody else I'm sure. He is a good man ,and loves his family. It 's been going on now more than 2 years ago. Nothing wrong with him medically. This situation is completely destroying our long marriage. Is there any advice ,or explanation. Anything helps.

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A male reader, Arzum Pakistan +, writes (12 January 2016):

Well I guess it's too late to answer now but anyways i will answer anyways because it might help someone else and i know the possible cause because i too suffer from it.

I am a guy 26 years of age and i found out when i was 24 that i couldn't get an erection with a woman but i could get hard in my sleep and often wake up with a boner.

I started masturbating when i was 9 and started watching internet porn when i was 11 or 12 then through out my adolescence i continued watching internet porn untill 46 days ago. My porn use continued for more then a decade and this resulted in my brain rewiring my arousal to porn use and pixels on screen then real women. I know it's not a physical cause because i can get erection fine with porn and i have hard morning erections it's just women that no longer turn me on (thanks to my porn addiction).

I suspect your husband's lack of arousal could also be because of porn but the good news is he can recover. If a guy like me quits porn and avoids all kinds of artificial sexual stimulation (cyber sex, erotica, porn) he can get rid of all his porn induced sexual dysfunctions. Recovery time depends on many factors (how long has a guy been watching porn, how long was each session, how many times in a day? or a week etc) and different guys have different recovery times which vary from a few weeks to two years but the bottom line is anyone can recover.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2008):

I am a 40 year old man and never get any erections when with my girl friend. For me, I am unique in a good way. In other words, I see intercourse as a sign that man is stronger and more dominant than a woman. I prefer the other way romantically. Also, this has deep religious implications that relieves me. Namely, I don't believe husband should always be the head of the house hold. I say this while knowing that many women prefer to feel led by their men. But not all people are the same. I also get high when watching extra muscular women in real life. I hope this helps.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008):

Yes, Its a very painful and difficult situation to be in. It's always better to know the truth and face the facts. But this way is like trying to find the switch in the dark.

i think its so true

.'' If sex is good it is only 10% of a marriage, if it is bad, it is 90% of a marriage!''

And even so I love him so much, it makes it hell. He did go to medical tests, everything was normal.

Its such a mystery...I wonder ,if its on his mind , what could that be, and how is it ever going to come out,, if he says there is nothing on his mind , what I don't know. Is it possible, that he himself wouldn't know it, what 's on his mind? Thanks for all the great suggestions. made me feel better.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (24 June 2008):

Danielepew agony auntThis is very clearly psychological. All his equipment works perfectly well. There is something that is disturbing his mind. He should try to determine what it is, if he doesn't know yet.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008):

How terribly awful for you, but also for your husband :-( There is only two possibilities......it is physical....or it is mental. It sounds like physical is ruled out by the fact that his nocturnal erections function properly. It would not work at night if it was a physical problem. Is he taking any medications? Check the side affects from the product print out if he is. Get him to the doctor and have a full physical check-up.

So, that leaves mental. Even if it is a lull in your marriage, I find it hard to believe it's lasted 2 years. Have you asked your husband if he uses pornography? Do you have a computer in your house that he spends a lot of time on? People are quite surprised to find out that their sexuality becomes hijacked by porn, many people deny this but there is mounting evidence to prove it is true. I don't know how much trust you have in your husband, many women find out accidently that this is going on behind their back and are infuriated....don't be. If this is the situation, learn about the phenomena at npsupport.net before you confront him....there is a lot of information there from men in recovery from this.

If it is not porn, get counseling...well, if it is porn, get counseling. If sex is good it is only 10% of a marriage, if it is bad, it is 90% of a marriage!

Don't let this slide any longer, fight for your marriage.

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A male reader, oldfool Australia +, writes (24 June 2008):

oldfool agony auntI've tried Viagra and it definitely makes a difference. The beauty of it is that when a man is feeling sexually aroused, he gets a hard-on. He doesn't need to keep checking that it might have gone down while he was performing. On the other hand, if he is not feeling sexually aroused (e.g., he gets turned off by something), the hard-on goes away naturally.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008):

You say it is nothing medical but have you checked? It can be the first sig of heart disease because the small blood vessells that supply the penis get clogged first. Cholesterol and diabetes are main problems. My partner has this issues too and we were told that in the majority of cases by far in men your husbands age, it IS a health related problem.

He may go stiff at night because he is relaxed and the blood flow is encouraged that way. Start with a health check if this has not alerady been done. Then see a sex therapist. You could look up the one I used as she has a website - victorialehmann. Godd luck, I know it is horrible to cope with this. I get quite tetchy myself. and feel rather unattractive. Plus my chap is on antidepressants. He does not fancy me much at the moment and it makes me very unhappy. I know he loves me, not so long ago we were at it like rabbits. Now I am feeling insecure much of the time, so am trying to get on with my own interests more.

We have Viagra which can help, but Cialis which lasts longer is better.

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A female reader, Honeygirl South Africa +, writes (24 June 2008):

Honeygirl agony auntSweetie, I understand this must be worrying, but it must also be worrying for your hubby. You say nothing medically wrong with him so we can rule out hypertension and diabetes, the next step would be for him to visit a counsellor. When we have been with our partners for a long time things can get boring, have you tried chatting to him about spicing up your sex life? I suggest that you dont wait any longer as sex is a very important part of a marriage. Be supportive of him and remind him how much you love him...

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