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My husband doesn't want to move but I'm feeling isolated!

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Question - (27 July 2016) 5 Answers - (Newest, 30 July 2016)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My husband and I have been together for more than 7 years now, 3.5 years married. When I met him, I had just moved from my hometown to his area for college, and I swore to myself it was temporary. I told him it wasn't fair for us to date, since I knew I was moving back and he insisted he didn't want that to be a factor in our relationship because he was considering moving anyway. I still felt guilty, but we continued to date and needless to say, I ended up staying here out of guilt because he doesn't want to leave. I personally dislike this area. I'm used to trees, greenery, dirt roads, simple drives, and basically a small town lifestyle surrounded by family. Where I live, it's extremely congested, smoggy, hot, and takes an hour plus to go 15 miles. I could go on and on, but the end result is that I just feel like I'm missing out on the lifestyle I envisioned for myself, other than having a husband who I adore. Before we got married, he talked about moving away somewhere that is really inexpensive so we could live a simpler life and I was willing to compromise, even though it meant still being away from my extended family. Over the last couple of years he's become increasingly resentful about the conversations because he doesn't think I appreciate where we live enough. Now he's saying that he's completely unwilling to move and that I should just accept that, if I love him enough. I feel a bit isolated, since he's resentful of almost any social events I do go to here, since he feels I should prefer his company. It's getting a bit overwhelming and I am feeling a little trapped. I'm willing to compromise, but just need to bounce ideas off different people. Thoughts?

View related questions: my ex, trapped

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2016):

Thank you both for your responses. He and I have always brought in equal money, and paid equally on the house and all renovations. I currently make a little more than him and am very fortunate to have a great job working remotely. My boss recently told me that I could do my job from anywhere I wanted. I told my husband that I would be happy to support us both for as long as needed, and he can even chase his dreams to do some freelance work he's always wanted to do. He could use my benefits, and I may enough alone to pay a mortgage. He doesn't spent time with friends or family, he is just really attached to our house. I really appreciate everyone's input and I agree, I need to at least start putting my foot down on spending some time wth friends here, until we can reach a real compromise. Otherwise if I become isolated, it's because I let myself get there. Thank you again for your help! - OP

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A female reader, fishdish United States + , writes (29 July 2016):

fishdish agony auntHow easy is it for you two to find jobs in the areas you're thinking of? Sounds like he's letting his ego get caught up in all this, either bc if he feels he'd be leaving a secure job that he may not have other places, or because that job has earned you two the house you have now? I think for a husband to ask to be the be-all, end-all (I mean this not just for the location issue but also the socializing issue!) is not only an unreasonable expectation but an unhealthy one. It doesn't make a partnership, it makes for a co-dependency that will strain both individuals over time. It doesn't hurt to look at other jobs. It doesn't hurt to apply to other jobs. Ask him: what is the harm? I think he should at be OPEN to moving, what is keeping HIM there?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (28 July 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntYou moved there for college not for him, you just happened to meet him there. He told you he would consider moving, you told him you would not live there full time, yet here you are seven years later. He probably thought at some point you would chance your mind, I don't doubt that he loves you and vice versa but he needs to compromise as well, you already have done for the last seven years.

You do not like the area that you live in, and my guess is that he know this already? He suggested moving somewhere else and now he has changed his mind again, it seems your husband is all plans and no actions, it should be both of you calling the shots not just you yourself, it is unfair to you.

I think your husband feels that this problem will just go away, but you need to be stronger and stick up for yourself. If you want to go out with friends then do that, if you are invited to social events then go, let him sulk like a baby, if he starts acting more controlling put a stop to it. If he refuses to move, then tell him the marriage is going to be long distant and see what he has to say. Good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2016):

Thank you very much for that thoughtful response, that helps me put a lot into perspective! Now that it doesn't seem like my feelings are selfish, I will take your advice. - OP

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2016):

You are compromising already and your husband getting irritated and ignoring your attempts to start a conversation on this is helping no one. You made him well aware when dating that you did not want to stay where you are, to which he said he might move anyway. So he's either lied to keep you around, or just thought that you would change your mind over time - who knows. But he can't say your requests to move are unreasonable because you have always made him aware of how much you want to leave that city.

I recently found in my marriage that my husband was taking me for granted and just thought that no matter what I would always be around. Then a situation arose due to him and he realised the very real possibility of us not being together - and I think you husband might need to realise that he is risking your marriage with his refusal communicate, to make your time in a place where you are miserable even remotely enjoyable by joining your, or at least supporting your, social life and to listen to your hopes and dreams. You have compromised for 7 years, staying in a place you hate. You can't live your life wishing you were somewhere else, it's not fair - and if your husband would feel as miserable as you do if he moved to where you want to go, then perhaps your marriage is reaching a decision point.

You could enlist the help of a relationship counsellor to help facilitate communication between you both, and avoid it becoming an argument. But you need to tell him you're sitting down and talking about this because you're reaching a point where it seems he has mislead you for the entire relationship and just hoped your own dreams would end. I would put aside a day when you're both off work to go over things and maybe he will see he risks losing you.

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