A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband hates the fact that I wear makeup. When we first met I was into more of a "barefaced" look (meaning I only wore mascara). Once I started working again(after taking care of babies for a few years), I went back to my glam-girl ways and started wearing a lot more makeup. I don't cake it on, but I like to be "fashionable" and do very glam kohl eyeliner (cat eyes, etc) and colored eyeshadow. He told me I look like a very ugly TV character with it on and a "circus freak". He also gets mad if I wear makeup to the grocery store, he's convinced I'm wearing makeup for other men even though I've told him repeatedly that I wear it for myself. I have to wear a uniform to work, so I like to have another way to express my style besides my hair and jewelry. He doesn't want me to wear makeup, but he also criticizes my eyebrows (which I'm growing out and sensitive about), my accessories, and my clothes (vintage). It's like he wants me to dress like a slob with a bag over my head! Aunties, do you think this is insecurity? It's driving me up the wall. How can I get him to stop criticizing me? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 September 2016):
 He is trying to control you. There is only one way this will go and it will be a lot worse if you don't end things now. First it is what you wear, then it is who you speak to, then you need to give up work, stop going shopping, basically before you know it you will be a prisoner in your own home, and you will allow it because he will have taken all off your self confidence, you will believe him when he says things about you, he will bring you down.
If this was me and these early signs where in my marriage, I would leave before it gets to late.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2016): He is trying to control the way you look so you won't leave him for someone else. Makeup is the best thing ever invented!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2016): Wow! tThis is much more than 'just' your make up. This guy is belittling and degrading you and your whole appearance. It certainly needs to stop. If he loves and cares for you and his criticism is insecurity led it will dramatically reduce or stop if you sit him down and explain how it makes you feel. If he continues despite the conversation then it is abuse.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 September 2016):
 He sounds like an ass. Honestly, I have no better words.
He IS, like chigirl said, trying to manipulate you into not wearing make-up by criticizing you. Tear you down, when he SHOULD build you up.
And I do agree that a divorce is the only way to make it stop.
However, I don't think that is what you want. So what I'd do is sit him down and tell him; "I have NO intention of stopping with my makeup routine, I LIKE it and it's MY way to spice up these uniforms for work, not for OTHER dudes but FOR myself. I need for you to stop with the tearing me down, it makes YOU look insecure." (yes, I'd use a little manipulation RIGHT back at him, who knows it might even make him NOT want to criticise you because he doesn't WANT to look insecure.) While I'm normally not a "tit for tat" kind of person, I think the ONLY way he will stop this behavior is if he WANTS to stop it. He already knows it hurts your feeling and he doesn't give a single F about that, so... I'd use his own tricks on him.
As for things like your eyebrows that are growing out, TRY using humor. Tell him you are thinking of growing HUGE bushy eyebrows or whatever will make YOU laugh or defuse the situation, it will also make him feel STUPID if he no longer can make YOU feel bad.
He DOES sound VERY insecure, probably won't admit it. But again I fully agree with chigirl that WHEN you tell him his hurtful words hit home, he keeps at it. He for whatever reason wants YOU to feel bad about yourself, maybe because HE feels bad about HIMSELf (not that it is an excuse, more like a reason for his petty behavior).
So YOU have to do some thinking. Try a few things to switch it up. If that doesn't help, do you think it's something you want your kids growing up seeing/hearing?
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (25 September 2016):
 I'm very sorry to hear you are dealing with this. It does sound like your husband is insecure (maybe he's let himself go a little since you married?) and that constantly criticizing your look is his attempt to shut down what he seems to think is an effort by you to get attention from other men.
Please note that that is a (possible) explanation for his behavior, NOT an excuse. There is no excuse for what he is doing. Someone who loves you should not find it appropriate to undermine your ability to feel pretty and confident in your own skin on a daily basis. That is emotional abuse, whether he's consciously aware of it or not. Good for you for not giving in and changing yourself to make him happy, because otherwise he would "learn" that bullying and shaming are effective methods of getting his own way when you disagree on something.
Unfortunately you have already tried talking to him rationally and he has basically ignored that. (No surprises there; as Chigirl pointed out, there is no rational basis for what he is doing to you.) And this situation has the potential to cause permanent damage to your self-esteem and trust if it continues as is. I'm hesitant to tell you to go straight to a divorce attorney because it sounds like you have young children to consider, but something needs to change, right away.
In your shoes I would start by insisting on a visit to a licensed marriage/family therapist so your husband can hear in person from someone other than you that what he is doing is wrong and needs to stop. Immediately. Maybe a professional opinion will be enough to help shake him out of this behavior and back into the man you married. He does not have to like makeup or even to think that you look better with makeup, but he does owe it to human decency to keep his rude opinions about it to himself and to stop trying to make you quit wearing any.
If he doesn't acknowledge that there's a problem and won't go to counseling with you - well, you tried. When someone who took vows to love and honor you for the rest of your lives sees no issue with tearing you down daily, you don't have much of a marriage left. Proceed accordingly.
Important: I base the suggestion to give him a chance to get counseling and change on the apparent lack of controlling behavior in other areas of your life. You don't mention your husband having behaved like this previously in regards to your appearance or to anything else. IF he has a history of other control issues or prior emotional abuse of you, I agree with Chigirl: straight to a divorce attorney. The current arrangement, if allowed to continue without intervention, is incredibly unhealthy for you and potentially very damaging to your children, who will form their first impression of how women should be treated based on the way their father treats you.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 September 2016):
 Your husband sounds manipulative and controlling. You can't stop it, because a rational and sensible human being wouldn't be doing these things to begin with. He's doing it precisely to put you down and make you feel upset, that is his intention, his goal. He is bullying you and trying to make you feel bad about yourself so that he can feel better about himself.
The only way to make it stop, I am afraid, is to get a divorce. Just telling him "hey hubby, it hurts my feelings when you call me ugly" isn't going to end it. And why is that? Because of course he already KNOWS that it is hurting you, and why else would he be doing it??? His purpose for being mean to you is precisely this, to be mean to you and make you feel bad about yourself. Telling him that it's working will only make him do it more.
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