A
female
age
26-29,
help_me!
writes:i get no affection from my husband, should I stay or go?I have been married for nearly 3 years now and imtiamy has always been an issue for us. My husband will not touch me, hug me or kiss me, occasionally he allows me to hug him but wont hug me back and has not given me a proper kiss since we got married. If I touch him, he often tells me to get off.We have sex once every 1-2 months, never more than once a month, I bring up the issue with him, he will not talk about it and even says he likes having sex with me! I have asked him to come to counselling but he won't do that either. The sex is frustrating but the lack of affection more so, I feel now like I should leave but don't want to let go. I have really tried everything and am often left feeling rejected and worthless. Should I stay or should I go? I am really miserable but would feel selfish for leaving. Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): You have to ask why he does not do it. I stopped kissing my wife after I found out she had an affair. She lied to me, told others lies about me and tried to destroy my character by spreading nasty comments to her family members to justify the affair. It was a very difficult time when she was having the affair and I did not know about it. She was very aggressive and issued the worst offenses that a woman can tell her husband. Something inside me keeps me from kissing the lips that have done so much damage. We stayed together largely because of small children and they would have been affected. Even though she says she loves me, I no longer believe her. She gets upset that I do no longer kiss her but she would not understand why.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): I fully understand what you are going through. I just had my 16th wedding anniversary this month with my husband. We have been together for 22 years. After 6 years of dating I thought that I was marrying the greatest guy. Things were great until shortly after our son was born. About 3 1/2 years into our marriage he started to change. By the time we had our daughter in 2001 he wasn't the same person I married. He doesn't hug or kiss me. If I go to hug him he either just stands there with his hands down at his side or he pretty much says no. He never kisses me. If I tell him that I love him he just shakes his head. He never say's I love you back. Not even on our anniversary. I have recently changed my hairstyle and lost 28 pounds and he hasn't even said one word about me looking good. I am 5'11 and was not overly heavy to begin with. I often cry myself to sleep and feel very unloved and unnappreciated. He never wants to talk things over and when I try to he attacks me and say's you alway get this way when you are getting your time of the month. I just dread going home from work because I know that he is there. If it weren't for my kids I don't know what I would do. Well, I know what. I would have left a long time ago. That is what I suggest that you do before you have children and feel even more trapped. Living life under a black cloud of despair is not good for you mentally or physically. Believe me, I know. I am on Lexapro and have stomach problems from my stress at home. Get out while the getting is good. Find the kind of man that you deserve!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): Leave him. He has lost interest and clearly does not care about your feelings. I know it is hard to hear but you are worth more than this relationship or broken relationship. What a jerk. You cannot change him but you can change you and you can absolutely control how you allow people to treat you. Plan a departure and then go out and do what you feel will improve you and the way you feel such as get into better shape, buy some new clothes, hair and make-over etc. And then let your freinds and family begin to love you and introduce you to others. Join social activities and enjoy your life. God says he wishes us to have abundant life and your are not having that in this relationshop. I know the above to be true because I lived through the same thing and it is hard but better for you in the long run. :)
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A
female
reader, oscarollie +, writes (7 May 2008):
Hi, You must go now, I speak from bitter experience I
was in a similar marriage for 23 years, it goes no better.
I have a daughter so I stayed, you rationalise to yourself they are good in other ways, I did, he cooked, he cleaned etc.
but stop making excuses, if someone really loved you would they make you feel so neglected ? especially over a basic human need.
I know the feelings of anger and sheer frustration, believe
me they go worse as you get older.
This will kill the inner you, its just as bad as any other abuse. Please get out, good luck.
anne England
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2008): Go. End it now. If intimacy has always been an issue it probably will continue to be. I've had this same problem with my wife for over 13 years now. She always had excuses but I now realize that the bottom line is that the desire just isn't there and eventually, they stop faking it. I crave the same attention you do but with kids, I've got to stick around. You, on the other hand should find what you need, otherwise things will only get worse. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): I Have Almost The Same isse With My Husband To Be i Have Been With Him2 Years And When We Met He Would Tell Me I Can Have Sex 5 times A Day And He Used To Kiss And Told An Touch Me Here After 2years I Havent Had Sex But 8 times In That Time And When I Go On The Big Truck With Him He Wont Touch Me Either, When We Bought A New Bed In Oct 07 That Was The Last Time i Had Any Intercourse With Him And I Love Him Very Much But Im Very Lonely For His Affection. Then I Told Him Maybe You Should Have A Sex Change And No Response Then We Go Shopping And He Told Me About This Driver Showing Some Computer Things To Him And Then That Driver Asked My Man What Is Your Martial Status Mine Said Married The Other Said Im Gay. So What Am I To Think Then Mine After A Aweek Gone Sleeps With A Pillow Between Us. HELP!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): im having the same issue with my husband to be that told me 2 years ago i can have sex 5 times a day i havent had it but 8 times in 2 years ,then we bought a new bed and he wont make love or kiss me or touch me then he puts a pillow between us HELP !!!! i have never felt so rejected by a man and i consider myself attractive an lonely! Then I Went To Hug Him An I Said Maybe You Should Have A Sex Change About A Hour Latter He Told Me About A Another Truck Driver And That Guy Asked My Man His Martial Status ,Mine Told Me Im Married An Mine Asked Him The Other Said Im Gay!!! Have I Lost My Husband To Another Man Or Is It That He Doesnt Care Or What.?????
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): "My wife displays no affection towards me whatsoever and I'm ready to leave! Help!"
When we first met it was like magic. I lived in a big city in an upscale neighborhood and had a thriving business. I was 37 never married and no kids. She lived in the same city but we had never met one another. She was married with 8 kids to the same man. We crossed each others paths several times in different states in the US but never met. We found out later that we went to some of the same concerts together, ate at the same restaurants and I even knocked on her door while campaigning for a friends senate position. I was to a point in my life where I was tired of looking for my soul mate and was ready to sell my business, my house and move to the country on a 44 acre ranch in a big house. My family thought I was nuts for wanting to do this because I was not married and didn’t have any kids. Something that I always wanted – A lot of kids and a beautiful wife. Not knowing but she moved 1500 miles away in 2000. She ended up divorcing her verbally abusive husband of 16 yrs in 2002. She was now having reoccurring vivid dreams about a man from Iowa ( she doesn’t know but I’m from Iowa ) whose face she couldn’t see in her dreams and was trying to plan a trip there to maybe meet him. Well her sister ended up passing away of cancer back in the city where I lived. She was given air reward tickets for her and her kids to travel back for her sister’s funeral. Went to the funeral and planned a night out with her old friends. We ended up at the same place and the rest was history. We have been told we are the Barbie and Ken couple and on a scale of 1-10 in looks we are both a 9.5 plus. Here comes the bombshell. She tells me that she was a prostitute to support her kids and stopped 2 weeks prior to us meeting. Her house is going into foreclosure and she is way behind in her bills. So I start sending money to save her house and catch her up on her bills. We move forward in our relationship and I make several trips to her home in the country. She is having problems with her two oldest boys ages 15 & 17. The day I’m buying her wedding ring I get a call from her 1500 miles away and she tells me her oldest son just beat her up and was taken away by the police. I sell my house and business and move in with her on her 44 acre ranch in the country. Here is where the problem starts. Her pimp (prominent local businessman) so to speak keeps calling her for the next hook-up. This goes on for the next nine months and each time he calls I let her know how unhappy I am about it and that if she doesn’t stop him from calling that I was going to leave. In the meantime I’m catering to her every need because I know she has had it very difficult in the past. I’m doing all the shopping and taking the kids to school and basically running the whole house. I write her love notes, bring her flowers and chocolates, give her massages, and when we make love she tells me she has never felt that way before. Soon I begin to notice she doesn’t and hasn’t done anything for me that would show she loves me. No attention, no initiation of love or affection. I have wanted to leave her several times because of this and have tried talking to her about it numerous times. She says that if one person (me) is initiating the love, affection and attention in the marriage that it is ok and that a lot of marriages are that way. We have been together for almost 4 yrs and married for almost three. I have a lot of anger and bitterness in me now because of this. I have become very unhappy over the past 2.5 years and have said things to her that I wished I could take back. She says I have hurt her deeply because of the mean things that I have said. I’m not making excuses for my behavior but I feel like a dog chained to a tree that doesn’t get any food or water. I actually told her that if I hadn’t said anything mean to her that we would still have one person in this marriage with a shriveled up heart starved for love. I have lost my desire to do anything for her.
HELP!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, help_me! +, writes (11 February 2008):
help_me! is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly I would like to thank everyone for all their help and support on the issue.
Secondly, I need to update you all on my situation.
I told my husband that I wanted to leave over 6 months ago now. I have since learned some horrible truths about him and some led me to go to the police and he now has a court case pending. Anyway, I found the strength to kick him out my house, file a divorce and now I am free of him after a long and stressful struggle. I won't lie, it was really hard and took alot of courage but I did it. I went for counselling with Relate...who were brilliant and got life back on track. I was very lucky to meet a new partner, who was very supportive of my situation and is such a great person. He is warm, affectionate and loving. We share similar interests and are heading in the same direction. I can talk to him about everything and he gives me confidence and strength.
I am so happy now and cannot believed I stayed with such a loser for so long. I feel better, stronger, more confident , happy and content than ever before.
I have to say, good luck to everyone in a similar situation. Relationships are hard and going through a divorce was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I got through it and it was worth the struggle!
Take care all
Lx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): Mmmmm...I am completely unaffectionate toward my husband and I wish we could separate but we have kids. He completely turns me off in every way. He whines about everything, I find him often mean to our kids, he talks way too much about his ex, since I've had kids I do not have any time to work out at the gym anymore so expecially killing to my sex drive are the rude comments about my body but do you think he will clean up the kitchen after supper so I could have time to go to the gym - NO!. Everything about the infrequent sex we do have is a complete turn off and I can't wait till it's over so I can take a shower. Basically I hate him. That's why I do not even want to hug him anymore. He can't even see what his does makes him so unappealing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2007): i lost affection and love for my wife after several years..and she had always struggled giving me any before. when we finally were able to address it - issues from her past, it seems to be too late for me. we have 2 beautiful children (4) and (2) and been married 6 years, together 10.
i feel like the amount of time that the lackof affection, kissing, and passion in our relationship didnt exist - has now made it impossible to kindle that part. i give her such strong praise because like many times the root of her issues are from her childhood, alcoholic parent, etc...
i also feel like she is the stronger person - i couldnt take it any longer..i had escaped for years from the lack of affection (even with me always being the initiator - attempting to bring this side) - self service solo sex, websurfing, poker, etc...this just added resentment on her part. it took 6 years of being married to finally come to terms on my side that it wasnt just 'sex' - it was all the affection that came during the day (or lack of any), kissing and wanting to kiss your partner, 'atraction' - in several ways....it all goes together to create passion.
so i said she was stronger - because i am the one that jumped off the bridge - stumbled into an affair now, and after several cycles over 5-6 months of leaving, staying, etc feel like i am in love pergatory. See, not addressing it in the beginning - not going to counseling years ago and getting to the roots, has led me down a path through time, loneliness, etc that now i have fallen in love with a another woman. and to make things worse - she lives 3 hours away. i put all this detail in here because its so obvious afterwards that complacency in a relationship is the worst killer there is. and when you have kids, how much more painful it is. and when your spouse/sig other is a great person in so many ways, but you find yourself not in love with them, not wanting to be there it is very painful.
the other parallel here is that the woman i have had an affair with is married, has two little kids as well - 5 and 3. so - it becomes a warning that when you are not happy - when your partner continuously brings things up that you chose to not address that they will just go 'away' - you are headed down a path of complacency that will potentially lead one of you astray.
I know I am going on a tangent now a little - but even with counseling over the last 6 months sometimes its good to vent it all - and it seems that there are so many similar stories to mine.
I have tears welled in my eyes right now as i write this - thats how painful these types of things are. i wish i could have been a strong enough man to realize what it was i was escaping from over the years - and brought it up properly (instead of just saying not enough sex) so that we would have had a better chance. And also so maybe i wouldnt have veered off the path - and would have either been happy with the woman i was married to, or had already decided to go separate ways and not have the guilt of the affair.
and for some background - i had told my wife about the emotional side of the affair aftr only 2 weeks. couldnt divulge the completeness to her at that time. then 2 months in i told her everything. and its been a rollercoaster since. and to make it harder - because my wife is such a strong person - she has not made this a miserable time for me - she has done and continues to do what she can to help save us - without losing herself. oh how much easier this all would be if she was some psycho or difficult person - i wouldnt have so much guilt.
all this - not excused by it, but led by complacency on both sides of the marriage/relationship. all this - to the point divorce papers were served and mediation started 4-6 weeks ago, and then stalled - simmering now, led by complacency.
i guess, besides the rant - besides the selfishness of me wanting to vent this mess and give an example of where not to end up, besides the guilt of being the one who has had the affair (no matter how good it felt - no matter all the love that stumbled and blossomed from it which now seems like an impossibility to take further - thats a whole additional chapter) - THE ONE thing to take from this..is that its your COMPLETE RESPONSIBILITY - and i'll say it again - once you know there is something not right, or that is getting to you - it is your COMPLETE RESPONSIBILITY to address it and use every tool/resource possible to do it in the beginning - even if you think its small, even if you think it will change - because COMPLACENCY KILLS.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): while reading your post i felt as though i was reading my personal diary. i am in a similar situation. my hubby does not spontaneously kiss or hug me...ever! only in the bed IF its cold... its easy to tell some one in our situation to leave the relationship but going ahead and doing it is much harder. the lack of affection and attention is frustrating and it hurts so bad, considering we cook and clean for these men.even jus a hug would make u feel better right? i am only 20, iv been married for 3 years and i married this man after falling increadibly deeply in love with him. you, my friend, need to sit and think to yourself, is this man worth the pain you are going through? is he bringing you any joy whatsoever? does he even care or provide for you? would he even shed a tear if u died? no? if not you need to get out of this mess and leave. i thought my hubby was bad! but we still have sex at least once a week! even that is not enough! i dnt knw how u can go with jus once a month! oh another thing, your hubby sounds like a dumb *****! how can u guys have kids if your only having sex once a month? does he not know a womans egg is alive for only 12-24 hrs? you need to be having sex regularly, like every day, or every other day to give the egg a chance to fertilize while it is still alive....god, ur hubby has p***ed me off!!! jus pack up and go!!!
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female
reader, ilikenight  +, writes (7 September 2007):
 My sister was married to a guy like that. She would try & get affectionate with him & he would totally blow her off. Which made me wonder what the hell's she doing with him? She was 22 when they married, 25 when they divorced. She's pretty much any guy's dream as far as looks & personality goes. She's a dental hygenist now, makes good $ is married to someone else (although I don't think he's a much better choice) & has 2 kids. You need to leave him while you're young & don't have kids with him. Thank God she didn't have kids with him. I think he has a mental condition. He would also abuse her and he was into gross porographic things as well. Anyways, it was hard for her but she is way better off now, so just do it. Leave him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2007): It is a Sunday morning and I am leaving my partner of 17 years. I left for two years before and me back - why, because I love him deeply. But today, I have finally realised that I am becoming mentally ill - I receive no affection and am 'brushed off' when I touch him.
I am a wreck and I know that this is definitely not healthy. Please do not be like me and keep trying - go and find love from someone who can show it and provide your needs - we all need to have affection. I hope things turn out o.k. for you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2007): My husband has shown me no affection in any way in more than 4 years. There has no sex, kisses, cuddles or anything. Things started going wrong shortly before my daughter, now 3 was conceived. We have been for counselling over the last 10 months, to no avail and are still no closer to the route cause. I feel totally rejected and worthless which has in turn destroyed my self confidence. I am currently on anti-depressants which don't seem to help that much, as the problem is still there. I'm contemplating leaving my husband but feel I can't do it at the moment as his Dad recently died of cancer and he is going through an emotional termoil at the moment. If anyone has any advice I could really do with it. I feel for all those people out there suffering the same predicament. I am 38 and this is my second marriage, the first failed due to a very controlling husband. I have ended a marriage once and now I can do it again but it is much harder second time round and also with a child to think about things are more difficult. HELP!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2007): Everyone deserves happiness, and you should seek a divorce. If your relationship does not increase your quality of life, it is not a good relationship for you. By the way, I am currently living with an OUTSTANDING woman who lived a situation similar to yours, including a divorce and "no sex" with her partner. I feel blessed to have met her, because she is everything I wanted in a woman: affectionate, intelligent, and beautiful. In fact, I was searching the web for ideas writing a card to her and randomly found this page.
"my dad has been diagnosed with cancer last week and I need some support in my life"
Search for Laetrile or Vitamin B-17. There is a great book, World Without Cancer and you can watch the video on YouTube.com.
Take care,
-- Daniel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2007): don't feel selfish or bad for leaving that is what will make u happier.i recently got a divorce and its a scary thing but u are strong enough to get through it.it sounds as though he was just using u for money,cause he couldn't get off his lazy ass!and as far as the affection thing goes i totally relate that is a need when u are married and u love each other,and if someone truly loves u they should have no problem at all showing u that,especially when u really need it.it's not good to be starved for affection in a marriage and it wont make u feel satisfied or happy take it from me u'll be better off without him and theirs tons of great men who will give u everything u want and more.
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female
reader, help_me! +, writes (20 April 2007):
help_me! is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your help guys. Today I read this and looked at it from an outsiders view and realised what a fool I have been. I was blinded by love.
There is so much more to our problems. I have given him everything and more. In the beginning he said it was down to stress. He got a new job, I paid off nearly £30k of his debts by remortgaing my house which he moved into and bought him a car. I supported him for months while he was in and out of jobs, he then maxed out two further credit cards which I again paid off and its not like I have an endless supply off money either, its just I have made it more manageable and stupidly in my name.
I caught him watching someone wanking online who was quite young about 8 months ago and after that kicked him out. I then took him back as he promised me everything and I fell for it!
He wont even listen to me tell him about my day, the other day I was talking and he said "its quiet time now!!!". When I am down though, like now he will do little things to pick me up before knocking me back down again, like last night he told me he loved me, which a friend of mine says is a form of bullying.
He also told me he wanted children but would not try for them. There is so many things which are not right here. I think I was only looking for some reassurance. I know what I need to do.
I am only just 26 years old, I have a house in my name, a car, a great job which I love, family and friends around me so I guess I will be ok, just a little scared. I think I have come to realisation more now cos my dad has been diagnosed with cancer last week and I need some support in my life right now and not someone who makes me feel so worthless.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia + ♥, writes (20 April 2007):
 Hey sweetness,
This guy sounds like he'd rather be a hermit. Three years with little to no affection? You're stronger than I am, darling. I would've been out of there a long time ago, or at least given him a stroooonnnggg talking to.
Was he at ALL like this before the marriage, or were you two kissing and sexing it up? After you got married was this a gradual weening off of affection, or did he quit cold turkey?
Something isn't right here. Either you need to go to joint counseling or you need to give him a long, hard talk about the two of you and your relationship. Tell him that you can't go on living your life with someone who has become so cold. Marriage should be about warmth, togetherness, a shared appreciation of affection and most importantly communictaion. It seems like there might be something he's not communicating to you about.
At the very least, you need to start the conversation, because after three years it should be clear that he's not going to.
I wish you the best of luck, sweetness!!
xxIndia
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2007): im sorry but if my husband treated me like that i would have left a longtime ago,you said he hasn`t kissed you properly in 3yrs and never huggs you,im shocked that you have put up with it for so long,is there someone else or has there been someone else?you say he refuses to listen to reason or go to counselling well there is only one other option and that is to tell him if things dont change your leaving him,he married you for love an affection,which he is failing you and dont seem to care about.
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (20 April 2007):
 If he wont go to counselling and will not acknowledge there is a problem you have to reconsider things.
A marriage should be worked on and not just left to work itself out hoping things will be alright.
Tell him you need the counselling and without it, the lack of affection in the relationship will become an issue and is already growing in your mind a problem.
A husband should be understanding to his partners needs and desires whether or not he likes to admit it, there has to be some comprimise in this. Feeling worthless and rejected in a marriage is not healthy and will only lead to you resenting him for not giving you the attention you deserve.
he may have a problem which he feels uncomfortable discussing, but being with someone means you should be able to trust them with things close to the heart, no matter what they are. Try and find out if wants to tell you anything, give him the opportunity, without putting him on the spot and making him feel his is being interrogated.
You cant be expected to be happy with this style of living for your entire life with him and he has to see this as a problem otherwise he is ignoring you and the relationship that could be.
x
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